I Am Heartbroken that my Friend With Benefits is Getting Married and Wants to Remain Friends

Hello Evan,

I’ve been in love with my friend for over 5 years. We’ve been friends with “benefits” for over 2 years. Over the years, he always assumed we were just friends and as for me, I agreed with everything he said because I loved him. He told me two weeks ago, he was getting married to a girl he was into for many years. She finally accepted his proposal. I was devastated when he told me the news. I decided then I would cut him off because I could not handle it emotionally. I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and cry. So I cut him off. It was only a week since he didn’t hear from me. He got upset and came to see me. He said he was “hurt” I stopped talking to him. He still wants us to be friends and couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to carry on as we were. He didn’t think it was a big deal that he was getting married but we could still maintain being friends. He couldn’t forget me and he will never erase me from his life. How can I pretend to be his friend?

I’ve been sleeping with him for awhile. I couldn’t imagine being introduced as his “friend” to his wife. He said everything will be normal and even I’ll get married and it will eventually all work out. What should I do? Continue being there as his “friend”? Why does he still want me around even though he’s marrying the women of his dreams?

Is he just using me?

I am so confused. Does he genuinely care for as a friend? He says so but somehow that explanation doesn’t sit well with me. If he loves his future wife as deeply as he says he does, what does he need me for?



On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.

There are two very important pieces of information missing from your email. And until you clarify them, it’s impossible to give sound advice. But I’m going to do my best to be a detective and figure things out, logically.

The way you tell the story, it sounds like you were the “once a week” girl for two years, and then suddenly, he informed you that he was marrying his long-term crush that he had never even dated.

But something about this scenario doesn’t add up. It seems to minimize the relationship he has with his fiancée – as if he suddenly got married on a whim. Now if he DID get married on a whim – if he proposed to a girl he’d never even dated before, then, yes, I could see why you’d feel shocked and devastated at this sudden turn of events.

However, people generally don’t marry total strangers. I’m particularly skeptical because you wrote, “she finally accepted his proposal”. This indicates to me that this was his long-term GIRLFRIEND that he was marrying – not just a long-term crush.

Which brings up another question: was he cheating on his girlfriend with you for two years? Or were you friends with benefits until he got exclusive?

This, as you can imagine, makes a huge difference when it comes to assigning responsibility for how you could have ended up here, G.D.

On one hand, I can’t imagine how you could be shocked when your best friend proposes to his girlfriend. On the other hand, I can’t imagine how you’d be so heartbroken if he’s been dating someone else exclusively for two years.

What I CAN say with all certainty is this:

He is selfish. You are clueless.

He is selfish because, whether he cheated on his fiancée or not, he has to know that you’re in love with him. And while you say that he “assumed we were just friends”, he was still having sex with you. The fact that he wants to stay in touch and act like nothing’s changed indicates that he doesn’t fully understand how much you care. Whether he wants to keep you around as a friend or as a hookup down the road doesn’t matter. Neither case works for you. Lots of guys don’t think they’re selfish when they don’t say “I love you” or make any promises about commitment, but the good ones know when they’re abusing their power. This guy doesn’t seem like a good one.

What I CAN say with all certainty is this: He is selfish. You are clueless.

As for you, G.D – “clueless” may sound harsh, but there are too many things that don’t add up in this story.

Were you investing way too much time in a man who said you were “just friends”?

Did you have a fantasy relationship with a taken guy who blew you off years ago?

Do you foolishly want to win over a man who has been cheating on his fiancée for two years? Or win over a guy who has never given any indication to you in five years that he wants you as a girlfriend.

No matter what the real story is, you’ve made some major miscalculations. No matter how selfish your guy is, it’s your responsibility for not reading the writing on the wall sooner.

Which is why my advice to you echoes exactly what you said in your original letter.

Yes, he cares about you as a friend.

Yes, he still wants to sleep with you.

No, things will never be normal.

No, you shouldn’t be friends with him anymore.

Good luck to you – and good riddance to this one-sided, unrequited love you’ve been harboring for five years. I hope you won’t accept another friends-with-benefits arrangement ever again.

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  1. 61

    I just went through this. Five years, I was this person’s friend with benefits.  I stupidly agreed to it at first then caught feelings & found it very difficult to leave because he was nice and sweet, wasn’t disrespectful, there for me…..a friend.  I told him on several occasions that I wanted more & he would tell me he is “too busy for a relationship right now” or “he isn’t ready”.  Then he would back off, I start thinking he is seeing someone else so I back off only for him to come back & me stupidly allowing him only to go through the same thing.  Until a year ago &  I seen a pic of a girl that he claimed was just a friend at a relative’s Christmas party so I blew up at him.  He claimed all these years he didn’t know how I felt even though I told him several times.  Finally, we went on a trip together for the first time & he wouldn’t let me take a pic of the two of us together so I again blew up.  After the trip, he started to back off.  His texts became less frequent, he stopped asking me to come over.  That went on for the last month until I decided to “stalk” him & road past his house early in the morning to find the same girl’s car so I questioned him & he told me that the trip made him realize we weren’t “compatible” so he wanted to just talk to me as “friends”.  Right after that text I changed my number & blocked him from my Facebook page.  He has strung me along for all this time knowing that we were never compatible but I was so in love that I too stupid to leave him alone & stop letting him come back.  He told me the same things G.D.’s friend told her…..”we will always be friends”, “I will not stop talking to you”, “even if you get married we will still be friends”, blah blah.  Run far away from him.  If he played with you all this time, he isn’t a true friend & why would you want to be with a man who says “marriage is no big deal”?  It will hurt! Believe me, I’ve been crying all day & crying over the last 5 years but you have to let it go.  CUT OFF ALL CONTACT & good luck to you!

  2. 62

    it seems to me that if you are FWB that you don’t allow yourself to fall in love with your friend. It is what it is, folks. It is not love. If you can be FWB without falling in love, it will go a lot better for you.

  3. 63

    the late Maya Angelou put it very succinctly, ” when someone tells you who they are, believe them”
    he let her know  years ago that it wouldn’t go further, yet she clung to the thin vein of hope that
    perhaps one day because of the sex and perceived friendship they shared he’d come around. that rarely
    happens. these kind of relationships seem to  havebecome the norm these days, but there usually seems
    to be someone going terribly unfulfilled in them.

  4. 64

    Had a similar experience but only emotionally since there was no sex and just an online friend, or so he made out to be anyhow.
    But you know friends don’t hide nor play hide and seek games, feel okay to talk about themselves and are fine to have you as an “Emotional tampon” and yet ODDLY enough can never return the favor.
    There are some selfish people that love love love to be admired and have friends longing for them knowing fully well how you feel, and would still just LOVE to make sure your around to SEE you in pain and still say your a Pal, rub all there sex crap in your face, and cry how someone is breaking their hearts knowing they broke yours, and a LOT more.
    I cannot COUNT the times now I have ONLY seen men LOVE someone once they LEAVE them, and ME included – and I cannot tell you how utterly tired I am and will NEVER allow it again, Enough pain, Enough anger – Enough total BS and lack of respect will make you finally NEVER settle for less ever again, sometimes these things happen and pain happens to ensure that is doesn’t happen again, and that may make me a few enemies for NOT wanting to be second place or third place but guess what? Your liked whole LOT less when you allow it that is for sure, and never get to EXPERIENCE something else either.
    Sure many would LOVE you to stay right where YOU are sometimes too becasue hell, You might actually DO better in relationships once your fully AWAY from their sh*t!!

  5. 65
    danielle lowe

    hi was seeing my best male friend going for drinks and enjoying life  when he asks me fwb but only no sex only I go down on him next to find out he got married I hated him for it and didn’t speak to him for 8months now his back wanting more fwb his benefits

  6. 66

    I have been there, it is so hard to cut off someone that you have developed feelings for. Especially, if they do not want to respect your effort to leave them alone. It’s truly sad when a man would rather string a girl along than to let her go so that she can find someone who appreciates her and desires a real relationship. Guys can be very manipulative and sex just further complicates things. Emotions have a way of getting involved whether you intend for them to or not. This guy is definitely trying to play both sides and act stupid about not understanding why you don’t want to stick around for this BS. I think you would make a good loyal woman for the right man.

    1. 66.1
      Karmic Equation

      But women are not helpless. Regardless of whether a man is manipulative or not, a woman HAS TO look after her own best interests and make the hard decisions independent of his actions.
      She’s going to feel hurt whether he wants to “just be friends” or if she cuts off ALL contact. No phone calls, no texts, no emails, no social media.
      She needs to decide WHICH will hurt her MORE — IN THE LONG RUN. Or to phrase it more positively, which decision will HELP her more in the long run.
      My vote is that while CUTTING OFF all contact now will feel like it’s killing her, she’s going to survive. And actually, if he really cares about her, will also hurt him too. Which I think is GOOD thing. Pain may make him re-evaluate.
      The RISK (and her unspoken fear) is that IF she cuts off all contact and it DOESN’T pain him, that will be a big blow to her ego/heart/dreams what have you.
      It’s the chance she has to take.
      “That which doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” — Cutting off all contact WON’T kill her AND will DEFINITELY make her stronger. If you can survive this kind of pain, you can survive anything. Been there, done that.
      “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was meant to be.” — I can tell you that I did exactly this when I fell deeply in love in my college. I cut off all contact when he made it clear to me I wasn’t who he wanted in the long run. A year later we reconnected and he is my best friend today, my rock, my confidant. I know he regrets he never gave us a chance. However, our love remains. Just not exactly in the romantic way I had wanted it. And I believe it is more beautiful and profound than it could have been had we become romantically involved.
      God does work in mysterious ways. Have faith. If you’re a good person, good will happen in your life, but not always in the way you hoped or planned.

    2. 66.2

      As the other poster wrote, you are the advocate of yourself. Break-up/divorce is not easy. But if you endure the acute pain as opposed to staying in unhealthy relationship, you’d be better off in the long run.

      My beau and I celebrated our first year anniversary recently. Going back 14 months ago post break-up with my then BF I never would have thought I would be this wiser, content and happy. I vividly remember how hard it was to completely severe my previous co-dependent relationship. What made it easier was the gift of self-awareness. When I started looking at ME (the common denominator) and the part I played in all my relationships I knew something needs to happen.

      It didn’t change the fact that moving on was not an easy feat. The thought of totally no contact was paralyzing back then. I had to stay objective and look at the bigger picture and think long term. On not so good days post break-up I put on more miles on my running shoes, pedaled my bike faster and longer, took my kayak out and paddled hours on end, reached out to my friends, volunteer etc good healthy activities. Until one day you don’t hurt as much. And if it is in the cards you may meet a man that has your best interest at heart. Either way, you’d be in better place. :-) Nic

  7. 67

    Well sounds like youve finally made the right choice to cut it off. Clearly you were his his back pocket chick aka fwb. These situations never work. You can have a fling, but if friendship is involved then its asking for a broken heart. I was messing around with a younger guy, wasn’t my plan to fall for him but i started to and he clearly told me no commitment  (a little too late).  I chose to cut it off. Men can do this better than women. 2 years? Guys here justify the behavior by saying  “we were upfront” while they know the woman  has feelings for them regardless. Its just not worth the heartache..moreover, the damaging effects to ones ego. Wondering why he chose another woman and not you.  Always put yourself first. If rather cry for a month, maybe miss him but not waste time we dont have. Good luck to you and i hope you don’t consider being kept as his mistress. Find someone who is loyal and wants you 100 percent not half as8ed.

  8. 68

    Just move on… go out, meet new people, get another fb then bf… just LIVE!

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