I Love My Ex-Boyfriend, But He Only Calls Me When He Wants Phone Sex

About four months ago, I reconnected with a college boyfriend on the Internet, and we began talking over the phone. Although we currently live 400 miles apart, I will be moving back home, near where he lives, in about six months to be with my family.

He has just recently gone through a hurtful divorce and is now battling to see his daughter. In the beginning, he and I just kept it pretty casual, venting, chatting and catching up. After a while, there were a couple of times he tried to seduce me over the phone. I asked him to not go there, because I was not comfortable going there just yet. He was persistent, and one night, he caught me at the right moment. I normally won’t allow myself to invest in a sexual relationship (if that is even what you call it) unless I am very clear of the boundaries. Also, I have never had a sexual phone relationship before.

I have noticed since this has happened that he is different with me. He still calls; however, now he tries to discuss sex often. And he complains that he has to sleep alone and doesn’t get to have sex because I live so far away and haven’t come to visit him. He’ll also go for periods of time without calling.

In a month, I am planning to go home for a week. I’ll have a chance to visit with him then. I find that I am pulling myself back emotionally many times because I am not sure what is happening. At times I want to just go the other way….far away and fast. However, I really feel like I could (and even think that sometimes I already do) care deeply for him. Yet, I do not want those emotions to cloud my reasoning or judgment. So here I am seeking your advice… can you please help me make sense of all of this?

Laurie

Apparently, it’s Sex Month on Advice from a Single Dating Expert.  And Laurie, I’m afraid I don’t have good news for you.

You’re the phone sex girl.

It’s sort of like being the out-of-town girl, except, well, you never actually see each other, you just make noises on the phone.

If you don’t recall or are too lazy to click on the above link, this is the definition of the out-of-town girl: If you’re an out of town girl, you have a guy who lives at least two hours away who has been sweet talking you for weeks or months. Finally, you let him visit you and you have an amazing, memorable, erotic weekend together. The second he goes home, he does the slow fade. No more inquiries about your day. No more cute text messages to say he’s thinking of you. He got what he wanted, and maybe, just maybe he’ll call you again the next time he’s in town. More likely, he’ll call you when the girl in his area dumps him and he needs a quick pick-me-up.

It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.

If you’re reading this and it’s sounding familiar, look in the mirror. You’re being used right now. Which is fine, if you’re using him as well. However, if you’re anything like our sweet, original poster, Laurie, you probably have feelings for this cad, which are not being reciprocated. It’s time to cut bait.

Does this mean a woman should NEVER have phone sex with a guy, or NEVER sleep with a man after months of long-distance courtship? Not at all. If phone sex and long-distance never amounted to anything, the only businesses left standing would be AdultFriendfinder and some Russian mail order operation. Listen, I’ve driven to San Francisco to meet an online phone sex partner, and I’ve flown to New York to go on a four day date with an intense phone connection. They COULD have worked, but only when there’s intent on both sides to make it work.

As a woman, all you have to do is observe a man’s behavior and determine whether it’s the behavior of a man who desires a relationship with you. Exhibit A: he’s recently and bitterly divorced, he goes long periods of time without calling you, and when he does call, he goes straight for dirty talk. Does that sound like Mr. Right to you?

I think your solution is obvious, and the lesson goes out to anyone else reading this.

The problem with being the phone sex girl is not the phone sex. It’s that once you’ve broken the seal and established yourself as phone sex girl, it’s hard to be anything else.

Put it this way: while you’re emailing me about how you’re rekindling long-dormant feelings for an old flame, he’s probably bragging to his guy friends that his ex is getting him off on command.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Honey

    I agree with EMK. The nice thing is you don’t even have to run…you’re already far away! However, be careful when you move back. He may interpret this as a call to use you in what will eventually prove to be more hurtful ways. Remember: you’re not moving back for him.

  2. 2
    Selena

    I’m curious as to what happened when you went home – if you have already made the trip. It rather does sound like he is using you as phone sex girl, but I can’t help wondering about possible reconnection when you are actually able to see each other in person. For one thing, you have had an emotional relationship in person before. And for another, exactly how much besides “talking” can you do with someone 400 miles away?

    If he were my ex, I might not be so quick to dismiss him, but I would certainly proceed with caution.

  3. 3
    Jojo

    I agree with Evan! I was seeing a guy who lived about an hour away from me. We would have phone sex, but weeks would go buy without us seeing each other. We saw each other uner 3 months, went out about 4 times and 2 of those times we had sex. Of course we spoke a lot on the phone and had phone sex. When I told him that I wanted to spend more time with himhim, he told me he does what he can. I told him I didn’t want a phone relationship and ended it.
    I guess, as Evan puts it, i was like the out of town girl. I was feeling that maybe he was seeing someone that lived closer. Don’t let yourself be used. When you go home and do see him, I would not have sex with him or at least right away. Take care of yourself emotionally!

  4. 4
    downtowngal

    Evan ‘s right. You’re obviously not getting what you want from him. Also, it sounds as if he’s going through a transition, relationship-wise (divorce, custody battle) so he’s probably not in a place where he’s ready for a serious emotional committment.

    I thought it was interesting how he mentioned that you “haven’t come to visit him” – if he were interested in something serious I’d think he’d offer to visit you.

    It’s too bad about this one but best thing is to cut your losses.

  5. 5
    Shari

    Laurie,

    I wasn’t the out of town or phone sex girl, I was the sex girl…period. I had a very deep and intense connection with a man who could only see me every other week due to his work schedule. That every other week we saw each other was for sex. I’d hear from him the next day, then only here and there for another week, until Monday of the week we would be seeing each other when he’d suddenly become attentive until the day after we got together when the pattern would start over again.

    Before we had sex he communicated with me all the time, was constantly around, but maybe a month into the relationship having turned sexual, he gave me a line about how even if we couldn’t talk to each other as much as we would like, to know that didn’t change his feelings for me at all. Then I stopped hearing from him every day, then it was every few days, until it was only really that day after we had sex, and the Monday of the week we would be having sex again.

    I let this go for nearly three years, off and on, telling myself it was okay because a) I did have real feelings for him and to this day I think he did for me too but he’s a player who doesn’t want to change; and b) for quite a bit of those 3 years, I was using him too. He was a great fallback guy when the dates with other guys didn’t turn out like I wanted, or yet another man thought I was the best thing to come his way – until that next best thing walked by. He was a real ego booster and I’ve never had sex with anyone since that was a good as what I had with him.

    What finally happened is I decided I was worth more than what he was giving me, whether I was mutually using him or not. I turned myself around, and a year ago met the most wonderful man who’s not a player, who calls and e-mails and sees me because he wants to be with me no matter what we’re doing, and I couldn’t be happier.

    Only you have the right answer to the question of whether or not this man is worth it. But I can say, regardless of strong connections, if you aren’t getting what you want, then walk away and find what you need.

  6. 6
    Lora

    So in case you would want to stop beeing the phone sex girl and get him to want something else with you… what would you do?

  7. 7
    wendy

    shari,

    I have been going through the same thing for 8 months now, plus my guy was seeing other women.
    you couldn’t have put it better and what you write gives me strenght
    Thanks!

  8. 8
    Denise

    The fact about men, in addition to their actions do all their talking for them as EMK mentions, is they will also take what is given them.  If the woman continues to be phone sex girl, once in awhile sex girl, etc., then who is he to say no?  I’m not saying that all men are bad, I’m just saying that’s how they work.  The women they end up falling for are the ones that stand up to their bad behavior with their strong boundaries.

    Like Shari said, if the woman understands what’s going on and can handle it, then that’s fine (although women have strong physical reactions to having sex, which they can’t control, it’s natural and hormonal).  Most of us can’t though, without developing feelings for a man we’re sharing our body with.

    (Also would  like to add that there’s a lot of projection that goes on in on line or long distance relationships.  Nothing really counts in regard to a man courting a woman until the two people are physically together.  So talking on the phone for 6 months and seeing each other for 3 days means you’ve been on three dates with the man, NOT have been dating him for 6 months.)

  9. 9
    sher

    Shari,
    I am currently the sex girl for a guy I knew 25 years ago. He had a huge crush on me and I never returned to crush. I went to see him a few months into my separation from my husband and he was all over me. I was shocked, but kinda flattered, cuz I thought he was making up for lost time (gawd I sound like an idiot here lol). I thought oh, John still thinks I’m hot. Well fast forward to 9 months later and he only calls me when he wants me to come over for sex and that only turns out to be once every 5 weeks or so, sometimes longer. My divorce is nearly final, and I told myself that he’s been uncomfortable “seeing” me in public (cuz my ex is a controlling cop) so he wants to be discreet and when my divorce is final, thngs will change. Well, how hard is it to send a text or call occasionally? Sure he’ll talk to me when I call him, but it’s rarely for more than 5 minutes. Now another guy from the past is in the picture and he could be after sex too, but the difference is this new guy “Charlie” calls me and talks to me almost daily. Charlie brought me flowers and took me out to dinner and drinks when he visited from out of town. John has never given flowers, John forgot my birthday too. I think I need to kick John to the curb. So even if Charlie isn’t Mr. Right, at least he’s got the decency and manners to act like a nice guy, give me some nonsexual attention and remember my birthday. I’ve been too nice to John and he’ll never find anyone who holds a candle to me. His loss!!!!

  10. 10
    sher

    Ladies, let’s stand together and kick these cads to the curb! I mean, really, just who do these clowns think they’re dealing with anyway? I’m planning my “departure” from this kind of treatment. I deserve far better and John is lucky he’s “had” me this long…

  11. 11
    Denise

    #10 Sher

    I love the attitude! They can only to do us what we allow them to do.  So your direction is right in regard to having a stronger boundary.

  12. 12
    Kayla

    I googled this right after I got off the phone with my ex who’s always calling me up for phone sex! I didn’t give in this time, and after reading this, I’m glad I ignored his advances. 

    While I thought I could ‘make use’ of him as well, I know it’s not easy cos I’d just end up feeling hurt & used.  And yes, I always do, right after doing it. 

    So, ladies, who else is there to protect our dear, delicate hearts if it’s not us?  :)

  13. 13
    Tammy

    Just told my ex where to get off, I am worth more than his sexual advances

  14. 14
    Jenna

    These guys don’t care if you cut them off anyway, they don’t care about your feelings either. They think they are so slick and smooth, well ladies, you’re better than that, stop being his doormat! Just tell yourself over and over again that you are worth much more than that. You might be emotionally unavailable as well, and he could be your safety blanket too, he’s the fall back guy too. Read more about self awareness, it’s time to think about what you want, not what he wants. Just tell him your involved with someone and it’s going good and tell him that you can’t take his calls anymore. Put your energy into loving yourself not a mirage. Honestly, doesn’t it feel like a huge waste of time? Is there something else in your life that you’re avoiding? People can be used like any other addiction as well, what are you escaping from? Think about it. 

  15. 15
    Cathy T

    Respect yourself! You are like his puppet and he’s pulling the strings when he wants to jerk off! This situation is happening because you have let him do that to you. If you decided to move on then it’s time to change your number or just ignore his calls. Think about it.

  16. 16
    JoJo

    thank you girls. I feel full of strength now. I am ending the same situation with my user.

  17. 17
    JamesWilson

    Nice you shared a great blog. I like it

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