I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I waited until I was officially his girlfriend (2 months) before we had sex. It’s been amazing, but this New Year I want to get closer to God and stop having sex until we get married. It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me, and when I talk to him about it he tries to ignore the subject.He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. Should this be a big concern? Or am I taking it too far since we’ve already been sexual for the past 10 months?

Thanks! Yasmin

Dear Yasmin, I’m sorry, sweetie, but you really wrote to the wrong guy. I’m pro-sex, pro-logic, and pro-consistency, and your letter fails all three tests. I can understand a woman who sleeps with a man too quickly, like, date 1 or 2 – pulling back to say, “Hey, we should get to know each other a little better first before we embark on a sexual relationship.” The guy may grumble a bit at moving “backwards,” but, if he likes her, he’ll be pleased to wait a few weeks until she trusts him enough to resume the physical part of their relationship. You, on the other hand, were patient enough to wait two months to sleep with your guy. Good for you, really! – for showing restraint and seeing what he was made of as a man. As a result of your patience, you’ve been rewarded with an amazing boyfriend, and, not incidentally, 10 months of good sex.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.

Then, suddenly, you had a New Years Revelation (stronger than resolutions, I hear), which told you that in order to “get closer to God,” you should stop having sex. Got it. Now, forgive my ignorance of religion, but I’ve got a handful of questions: What does “closer to God” mean? What happens to all the unfortunate God-fearing women who have been having pre-marital sex without changing their minds? Are they screwed? Are they all going to hell? Or will they just not be as “close” with God as you are? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Shalini

    #58 Karl R
    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. Owe is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.
    I do things for my girlfriend which will make her happy. I do things that will help strengthen our relationship. I do things which will make her life easier. And she does the same for me.
    Amelia (#1)and Shay (#46)
    I completely agree to this. No relationship is about what you owe to others. Is this what you think when in every friendship and relationship? You dont owe anyone anything, does that mean you dont consider people’s feelings? Even my parents didn’t owe me what they did for me!! They did everything for me because they love and care for me.

  2. 62
    anette

    I like all you say Karl, except the faith thing.

    I wouldn’t say you have to have “exactly” the same values, but they do need to be similar. I broke up with a man who wanted to marry me and have children with me, the same thing I wanted, because I went to his church(I’m an athiest) and saw what he believed with my own eye’s.

    I thought his faith wouldn’t bother me. I realized, that I could never live with it and never raise my children in that environment.

    So yeah, it’s a big deal :)

  3. 63
    Steve

    From # 58

    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. Owe is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.

    What he wrote…..

  4. 64
    Steve

    The quote I meant to post:

    She doesn’t owe him sex.
    That’s absolutely true. Yasmin’s boyfriend doesn’t owe her a relationship either. Owe is an irrelevant concept when building a relationship.

  5. 65
    Sharia

    Honey @ 17: I took her comment “it’s been amazing” to be about the relationship, not about the sex, because she opened with talk about the relationship. She then mentioned waiting for sex within the context of the relationship. But safe to say that the antecedent to “it” isn’t quite clear in the sentence “it’s been amazing.”

    Lushka@33: I think someone else addressed this–there are lots of people who believe in God and want to get closer to God but do not participate in formal religious worship. Spiritual pursuit versus religious pursuit. Religious pursuits are all spiritual, but not all spiritual pursuits are religious.

  6. 66
    Karl R

    anette said: (#62)
    “I wouldn’t say you have to have ‘exactly’ the same values, but they do need to be similar.”

    James Carville and Mary Matalin have been married since 1993. Try to find a video clip where they appear on the same panel discussing politics, so you can see how their political views are polar opposites.

    “I broke up with a man who wanted to marry me and have children with me, the same thing I wanted, because I went to his church (I’m an athiest) and saw what he believed with my own eyes.”

    It sounds to me like you were unable to accept or respect how different his values were from yours. I would say that reinforces my comment on the topic.

    Since you were unable to accept or respect those differences, I would agree that you did the right thing by breaking up with him.

  7. 67
    JuJu

    Religious pursuits are all spiritual, but not all spiritual pursuits are religious.

    Neither are all religious pursuits spiritual. Too many people get bogged down in observing various rituals, believing that that alone makes them righteous, and losing sight of the primary goal – personal/spiritual development.

  8. 68
    Shay

    Bob (#57),

    I don’t mean to say that that guy is a pig or a bad person. I’m just saying exactly what you are saying, in a more straight forward manner.

    Its totally up to the guy to re-evaluate the relationship with Yasmin. If he cannot accept that Yasmin has changed and how her new found beliefs has affected their relationship, then he has the right to leave.

    Surely people grow and change. I agree with what some of the people say here. They might have grown to become incompatible.

    Anyway, I can’t agree that once you have given the man privileges, you can’t take them away. Would Yasmin want to carry on sex with this guy to keep him in the relationship and be troubled on her own? If Yasmin were to continue having sex with this guy despite her current beliefs, would she be truly happy? Isn’t happiness what we’re all looking for in relationships?

    I don’t see that this is the way to go. Sooner or later, there would be other problems coming along.

  9. 69
    Joe

    Shalini said in #60:
    So you can be closer to God by actually doing something helpful rather than doing something that you should be considering your boyfriends opinion about. I don’t think god will be pleased by any selfish act done even to please him.

    If Sharia is correct about Yasmin being Muslim, she ought to be helping others, if she’s being really religious, as alms-giving is one of the Five Pillars of Islam.

  10. 70
    anette

    Karl R #66

    You are right. I could not respect the beliefs at all. And yes it was the right thing no matter how much he told me he could accept my views. He couldn’t. Nor could I accept his. I just didn’t have “faith” that God would make us agree one day(like he believed). He would never stop trying to convert me.. That is not respect.

    We can create examples(as you have done) of “opposites attract” but I think you will find their values are similar. For example, I can respect a persons view that is different than mine, if they have drawn a conclusion(even if different from mine) through a similar thought process, or similar princples. Two people can have access to the same information and draw a different conclusion.

    Religion is a big one in this area, so it requires a great deal of thinking, (not faith it will just all work out), to determine if you can handle the religious difference.

  11. 71
    Maya

    Really, it comes down to the guy and I would bet 98% of men would not be willing to go without sex after you were giving it to him for 10 months! You are a tease! The religion part is a whole nother story.

  12. 72
    Sharia

    @71: A tease? Really? This whole idea that a guy is “owed” sex is very disturbing and that men call all the shots when it comes to physical intimacy–that we have to put out or get dumped–is the most disturbing thing. That this idea is coming from some of the women is really shocking. I guess you don’t really believe that your body is your own, do you? How do you expect to have a good relationship if you are not at choice over when/where/how/with whom you have sex? I feel very bad for you if you cannot set limits for yourself around sex.

    No wonder men feel so entitled! Blame yourselves if you don’t like the way guys treat you or women in general, then.

    That you don’t like her reasons for not having sex anymore is irrelevant. It’s her choice, for whatever reason.

  13. 73
    Sharia

    Ladies, do you want to be in relationships with men where sex is his prerogative and you cannot refuse? Wake up–you do not have to have sex unless you want to. Certainly not ever in a dating situation. But it was not too long ago that you could not refuse your husband for any reason. Here is some interesting info on spousal rape from Wikipedia:

    “In many countries it is not clear if spousal rape may or may not be prosecuted under ordinary rape laws. Sweden outlawed spousal rape in 1965, but other countries from the Western World outlawed it much later, mostly in the 1980s and 1990s. In the US spousal rape is illegal in all 50 states; the first state to outlaw it was South Dakota in 1975, and the last North Carolina in 1993. Other developing countries have outlawed it in the 2000s.
    In many countries, spousal rape is either legal, or illegal but widely tolerated and accepted as a husband’s prerogative. In 1999, the World Health Organization conducted a study on violence against women in Tajikistan, surveying 900 women above the age of fourteen in three districts of the country and found that 47% of married women reported having been forced to have sex by their husband. In Turkey 35.6% of women have experienced marital rape sometimes and 16.3% often.”

    Don’t you find it shocking that a husband could legally rape his wife in the U.S. until 1993? That means she could not say no if they were married. Think about what that means for your own family and how that has affected you and your view of what consent is.

    Shocking. Wake up.

  14. 74
    Evan Marc Katz

    @Sharia:

    The OP wanted to know if it was fair to cut sex off from her boyfriend. I told her it was fine, except the consequence would probably be that she lost him. All this stuff about spousal rape couldn’t be farther from the original point. Just because you turned the OP’s letter into something about men being “owed” sex doesn’t mean that it’s what the email was actually about. So, please, calm down, since you’re the only one here who seems to be agitated. Honestly. There’s no need to insult me, Karl, or anyone who disagrees with you. We’re not calling names. You are.

    Dissent all you want, but please, do it with respect.

    Thank you very much.

    The Management

  15. 75
    Karl R

    Sharia said: (#72)
    “This whole idea that a guy is ‘owed’ sex is very disturbing and that men call all the shots when it comes to physical intimacy that we have to put out or get dumped is the most disturbing thing.”

    You make it sound like sex is some kind of punishment for women. Most women don’t feel that way. My current girlfriend prefers to have sex 3 or 4 times per week. My previous girlfriend complains that her current boyfriend doesn’t spend the night and have sex frequently enough (and she broke up with him once over that).

    I like women who take the initiative with physical intimacy. There’s no reason that should always the man’s role. If you want to call the shots, call your boyfriend, tell him that you want him to come over tonight. When he gets to your place, lead him directly to the bedroom, take off his clothes, tell him to lie on the bed, get on top, and initiate the physical intimacy. You’ll be an empowered woman calling the shots.

    This doesn’t work so well if the only shot you want to call is “No sex.”

    If you don’t like sex, why would you want to be in an intimate relationship?

    Sharia said: (#72)
    “How do you expect to have a good relationship if you are not at choice over when/where/how/with whom you have sex?”

    This statement reminds me of my first two serious relationships.

    My first serious girlfriend decided that her decision of “with whom” she had sex included her ex-boyfriend. That decision torpedoed the trust I had in her.

    My second serious girlfriend did call the shots on “when/where/how” we had sex.
    where: her apartment (that was fine)
    when: twice a month (not so good)
    how: with as little effort from her as possible (disappointing)

    After two months, I decided we worked much better as platonic friends then as a couple.

    In a good relationship, you’re equal partners. That means both people get a say in the physical intimacy. If only one person is getting their way, then the partnership isn’t equal, the relationship isn’t good, and the other partner ought to leave.

    And if you’re in a relationship where one person always wants sex and the other person never does, you’re not compatible as a couple. Do yourself a favor and find someone who matches up better with your preferences.

  16. 76
    JuJu

    Shay, # 68: Anyway, I can’t agree that once you have given the man privileges, you can’t take them away.

    Well… isn’t this why most relationships end?.. Your partner used to be thoughtful and considerate, but is now careless with your feelings. They used to take care of themselves, but really let themselves go as they got more comfortable. Used to be spontaneous, now is a homebody. The examples can be endless. Yes, it’s precisely the withdrawal of a “privilege” that was initially provided that so often makes us unhappy with the relationship.

    Sharia, what if it’s the woman that wants sex, or wants it more often than the man? Does he owe it to her?

    Why is it that if a woman is having sex, it must necessarily be happening against her will??

    But I agree with Evan: you are just using this forum to pontificate.

  17. 77
    Selena

    @Sharia #73

    No one has written Yasmin “owes” her boyfriend sex. The point many of us have made, both male and female, is that when Yasmin decided to give up sex in order to “try to get closer to God” she arbitrarily changed the relationship with her boyfriend. And apparantly he isn’t too thrilled with the new parameters.

    It’s not about “owing” and it certainly isn’t about rape – it’s about how realistic it is to expect someone to change their values to accomodate you just because you changed your own. Pretty simple – why are you having such a hard time getting it?

  18. 78
    Jonsi

    @Sharia #72: “This whole idea that a guy is owed sex is very disturbing and that men call all the shots when it comes to physical intimacy that we have to put out or get dumped is the most disturbing thing.”
    A woman does not owe me sex. However, I don’t owe her emotional intimacy, or a relationship at all, even if I love her. The attitude “if he’s a good man, and if he loves her, he will respect her decision and comply” is disturbing. It implies that a man who drops her is somehow less of a good man, or does not value her. Neither of those things are true. It is true, however, that he might not respect her. Why is it that with religion someone can say “I won’t wash my hair, eat meat, or dial cordless phones on Sunday” and the other person is somehow obligated — if he wants to come off as a good person — to say “I respect that” just because religion is invoked?
    Like the guy on the wire: shiiiiittttttt.
    She should be prepared for the consequences of her action, which may include a breakup, because while it would be nice if he respected her, there is no reason he should respect her. “Thou shalt not break up with me if thou art a good, spiritual man” is bogus. Frankly, it’s manipulative.

  19. 79
    anette

    Lol Poor Sharia!!

    I have felt the same way you have. I was “horrified” at the thought that I owed a guy sex. I would have reacted exactly as you have with as much anger, including bringing up the entire “law” issue which required women to have sex inside a marriage. Nothing could make you feel more invisible as a woman, to be used as a hunk of flesh, with no rights at all. Believe me, most men DO NOT WANT THIS!! They never did.

    What we want and need most is intimacy. For men, that is primarily achieved through sex. You know that feeling you get when you share your intimate feelings verbally and feel SO close to a man?It gives you that warm fuzzy, loving natural high? That’s how he feels, when he is physically intimate with you. He just feels bloody great!! He does not want to have sex with a woman he loves JUST because he has a lot of testosterone and a high sex drive.

    The problem historically is that men(though the law) were getting their male needs fullfilled, and women were sometimes not. This also came at the expense of women, IE so he could feel close to you, you spent your entire life pregnant. And when women needed more(IE, talking, sharing, respect for their opinions, joint decision making, no more pregnancy) this was ignored. It was horrible and is still happening to women around the world.

    But in some countries, we have equality. Males and females crave intimacy from each other. For men, it is often physical, for females it is verbal. If you can find your “match’ then the male, will love the emotional and verbal intimacy you can provide and the woman will love the physical intimacy he can provide.

    So I will never “owe” a man Sex. But if I’m reading a really great book and might perhaps prefer to continue , but he’s had a hard day and just wants to feel close to me, I’ll put the book down, take him to bed, show him I love him and enjoy myself. I am under no illusions, that as a woman it is highly likely he will want more physical activity than me. It is highly likely I will require more talking than him.

    When you love some-one, you understand their needs, and make as much effort as possible to fullfill them. Choosing to fullfill your partners physical needs isn’t you being a piece of meat, anymore than he is a teddy bear with a set of ears there to listen to you.

    A lot of us Sharia, have let go of the bitterness of the past. The terrible treatment of females. Believe it or not, men were often treated worse, not better than women.

    We don’t owe a man sex. But if we are in a relationship, we do owe it to each other and the relationship effort in the areas that are important to us.

    Having said all that, the inconsistancy of the OP’s decision is what most people are actually focussing on here, rather than the actual sex. I do understand where you are coming from and I hope that you can learn to trust men again and move forward without fear of the past.

    All the best :)

  20. 80
    Helen

    I reread both Yasmin’s original letter and Evan’s reply. Evan, how did you even manage to come up with a response to this letter??? Her action is completely irrational – because what humans have made of religion is almost always completely irrational.

    Why would a good God give two sh*ts about who has sex with whom and when? How trite is that, compared with being generous to the poor, helping those in need, being a good steward of monetary and environmental resources, and being kind when at all possible. And yet, many world religions focus much more on controlling sex than about being kind and helping others. Amazing when you think about it.

    Evan and others, you can be as logical and rational as possible in your responses and arguments, but what good would that do for someone who is illogical? THAT is why I feel for both Yasmin and her boyfriend… one would wish that people are always swayed by logic, but that is not so.

  21. 81
    Michael

    If she wants to keep her boyfriend, she should marry him.

    If he does not want to be married, then there is no point in continuing the relationship.

  22. 82
    Lisa

    Okay, I’m a Christian… just putting that out there right now.
    However, I’m one who has always taken issue with hypocritical behavior I see among religious (whether Christian or not) folk.

    Being that I’m around a lot of Christians, I see the type of behavior that Yasmin is describing a lot. Couples start out having sex, then one person (usually the woman), has a great “awakening,” decides that she and her boyfriend are sinning by having sex before marriage and she tells him that because she needs to be following “God’s will,” there will be no more sex before marriage.
    The boyfriend is usually upset by this. He often leaves. The woman is then bolstered by her female friends who pat her on the back and congratulate her for her decision and demonize the man because he “chose sex over God,” or “interfered” in her Christian walk.

    Meanwhile, I’m thinking to myself, if you truly believed in no sex before marriage, then why did you start in the first place?
    To me, that’s the biggest issue in these types of situations. I assume that most of these women grew up in a faith that said no sex before marriage. Fine. But, because we’re all human and naturally desire sex, most of us violate that doctrine anyway and start having sex.
    Fine.
    But then, don’t turn around after YEARS and suddenly “realize” that you are “sinning” and “displeasing God” by having sex and then demonizing the man you’re with because he wants to continue… because you originally set the standard that this was going to be a sexual relationship. It IS bait-and-switch, and I would like for religious women to not play this “pick-and-choose” game as to what laws they would like to follow and which ones they want to ignore.
    Either establish no-sex-before-marriage from the beginning (as your religion stated) or have a sexual relationship and keep it that way. If sin is sin by religious definition, I don’t think God gives you brownie points because you stopped having sex at 10 months, when according to your religion, you shouldn’t have been having it at all.
    I just ask for consistency. Either you’re in a sexual relationship from the beginning, or you’re not in a sexual relationship. That needs to be determined at the start.

    1. 82.1
      starthrower68

      That’s an interesting take.  Because, as it is written, “we are transformed from glory to glory”.  Meaning reaching spiritual maturity is a process, not a cut and dried timeline. So if a woman is in the middle of her journey, and believers are until we die, does she walk in disobedience to what she believes God’s word is telling her?  God is merciful and patient, but is that a get out of jail free card?  Jesus told the prostitute (and no, I’m not calling women who have sex outside of marriage prostitutes) to go and sin no more. Should she have ignored his instruction?  I doubt she could have because the encounter changed her life.  People who experience a deep, authentic spiritual conversion will be more concerned about walking in obedience to God than pleasing the world.  And they won’t care if the world hates them for it. 😊

  23. 83
    Honey

    As an atheist who has a higher sex drive than her boyfriend, the turn this conversation has taken is completely mind-boggling to me. Rape? “Owe”? Really?

  24. 84
    Sharia

    How often do women have sex that they don’t want just to keep their boyfriends, husbands, lovers? This is a huge problem for many women. Maybe you do not know women like this, but I do. I thought this blog was about real relationships and sex, not about discussing fantasy scenarios where all is like a movie– the men are all charming gentlemen, women have org*sms at the merest touch, and everyone lives in gorgeous apartments without any visible means of income. In that world, yeah. I’d be up for it all the time, too, and would be happy not to have to deal with the messy realities of jerky dominant male behavior, clueless lovers, and working hard to take care of me and my SOs.

    But in the real world, where so many men are players (competitive) and feel entitled (or aspire to be) and sex with women is the prize for winning the game, the badge of entitlement, chances are that a guy’s interest in a woman is not about his great appreciation for her mind, spirit, and emotions. So a woman has to look out for herself and her own interests–if they jibe with his, so much the better. But when they don’t–be prepared to get the cajoling, the whining, or the attacks (how men behave in their competetive world when they don’t get what they want).

    The poster does not want to have sex with her boyfriend anymore and so she should not. There will be consequences to this decision. So what. She does not want to continue to have sex with him. Is that not clear?

    If a man leaves an intimate relationship because the woman does not want to have sex–one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time–then his primary interest is in sex and not in the intimacy with the woman. All people express intimacy in many ways–there is not one way that men express it and another way for women. And the sexual patterns of most long-term sexual relationships change over time, for a variety of reasons on the part of either partner (pregnancy, health issues, emotional issues, problems in the relationship, to name a few.) If a man cannot deal with that from the very beginning then he is not interested in you as a partner except in bed.

    No, I would not necessarily leave my partner if he suddenly did not want to sleep with me anymore. But we would talk about the change and come to a mutually agreeable solution. If he stopped making love to me for spiritual reasons (doubtful, but in a hypothetical world) I can imagine staying with him if I had a similar spiritual idea. So no–I don’t have a chain around his genitals or his heart. And he doesn’t have chains around me, either. We respect each other a great deal.

    And before you respond, EMK, would you want to date men? Would you want to deal with their demanding and fickle sexual behavior? Don’t you believe it’s your right to do with your body what you want?

  25. 85
    catherine

    I am a woman and am experiencing the same scenario with my BF of 1 year. But is the reverse situation in that HE is the one who is experiencing spiritual distress and turmoil over physical interaction.

  26. 86
    Karl R

    Sharia said: (#84)
    “All people express intimacy in many ways there is not one way that men express it and another way for women.”

    I’ll accept that. In my experience, however, some people find some expressions of intimacy more meaningful than others (physical intimacy, intimate conversation, time & effort, thoughtful gifts).

    Sharia said: (#84)
    “If a man leaves an intimate relationship because the woman does not want to have sex one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time then his primary interest is in sex and not in the intimacy with the woman.”

    I’m having a hard time reconciling this statement with the previous one. In order for this to be true, the following statement would also need to be true:

    “If a woman leaves an intimate relationship because the man does not want to converse one day, on consecutive days, for a stretch of time then her primary interest is in conversation and not in the intimacy with the man.”

    See how ridiculous that sounds when I switch the statement to another form of intimacy? It sounds equally ridiculous to me when you suggest that anyone would accept a major reduction in the physical intimacy in a relationship if he was truly “interested in intimacy with the woman.”

    If your partner doesn’t feel like talking for a day or so, that might be acceptable. But after an extended period without conversation, you’re going to assume the relationship is broken and act accordingly, despite your feelings for your partner.

    Since we (presumably) agree that sex and conversation are both forms of intimacy which are important to a relationship, why would it be reasonable to do without one form of intimacy, but unreasonable to go without a different form of intimacy?

    Sharia asked: (#84)
    “would you want to date men? Would you want to deal with their demanding and fickle sexual behavior? Don’t you believe it’s your right to do with your body what you want?”

    1. If I was sexually attracted to men, I’d date them. The guys I hang out with would be easy to get along with in a LTR.

    2. Based on the dictionary definition of “fickle,” Yasmin is the one being fickle. Technically, her boyfriend isn’t being demanding either (based on Yasmin’s description of the situation).

    3. Everyone has the right to do what they want with their body. That includes the right to leave a relationship with a fickle partner.

    Sharia said: (#84)
    “I thought this blog was about real relationships and sex, not about discussing fantasy scenarios where all is like a movie the men are all charming gentlemen, women have org*sms at the merest touch,”

    I know that Evan, Honey and I (and countless other readers) have sex on a regular basis. Your comments about sex bear as little resemblance to our relationships as the scenes in movies … perhaps less.

  27. 87
    Donna

    As a sometimes reader of this blog, I see where Sharia is coming from. There’s this idea on here that if a woman wants to have a relationship with a man then she has to be pleasing to men, and there is very little on here about women being pleased by men. Actually, I never read anything on here about how men also have to please or “give in” to women, and none of the men on here seem to think that this is necessary for them in relationship. Most of their posts are about how women have to “understand” where they are coming from, even when it’s clear that the woman “gets” where he is coming from–and says, “uh, no way, Jose.” I mean, look at what the male posters wrote about something as simple as putting the seat down.

    A culture where women have to “please” men is one step away from a rape culture, in my bood. And it is shocking to me that some states only put anti-rape laws for wives on the books in 1993. How can that have only made it into the social consciousness in 1993? How could that kind of ignorance NOT have stemmed from male entitlement regarding sex in relationship? Get that, and then think about how long it takes for that kind of understanding to trickle down through the general population. Scary. This blog is scary.

  28. 88
    Karl R

    Donna said: (#87)
    “there is very little on here about women being pleased by men.”

    Let me correct that for you.

    If the man you’re dating doesn’t please you, dump him. Immediately.

    Sooner or later he’ll realize that he needs to start pleasing his girlfriends if he wants his relationships to last.

    “I never read anything on here about how men also have to please or ‘give in’ to women, and none of the men on here seem to think that this is necessary for them in relationship.”

    Evan talks about the importance of compromise all the time. I’ve talked about it. Mr. Right has talked about it.

    I don’t have the ability to change women. If I don’t like something about my girlfriend, I can either learn to accept it -OR- I can work out some sort of compromise -OR- I can leave the relationship.

    I don’t want to spend the rest of my life looking for one girlfriend after another. Therefore, it’s in my best interest to accept anything minor and compromise on everything else, unless it’s a genuine dealbreaker issue.

    “A culture where women have to ‘please’ men is one step away from a rape culture, in my bood.”

    Following that reasoning, a state where the employer has the right to terminate an employee without cause (like where I live) is one step away from being a slave state.

    My employer has the right to fire me, but he has no right to force me to work against my will.

    Your boyfriend/husband has the right to dump/divorce you, but he has no right to force you to have sex against your will.

    If you can’t see a huge difference between being dumped and raped, then you should spend some time discussing the issue with a rape victim.

  29. 89
    JuJu

    Isn’t pleasure – the whole point of relationships? Isn’t that why we seek them altogether??

    Obviously, if your partner doesn’t think of you enough to please you, that’s not a good or fulfilling relationship.

    Karl, you are wasting your time.

  30. 90
    sayanta

    Karl, why aren’t you a lawyer?

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