I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I waited until I was officially his girlfriend (2 months) before we had sex. It’s been amazing, but this New Year I want to get closer to God and stop having sex until we get married. It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me, and when I talk to him about it he tries to ignore the subject.He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. Should this be a big concern? Or am I taking it too far since we’ve already been sexual for the past 10 months?

Thanks! Yasmin

Dear Yasmin, I’m sorry, sweetie, but you really wrote to the wrong guy. I’m pro-sex, pro-logic, and pro-consistency, and your letter fails all three tests. I can understand a woman who sleeps with a man too quickly, like, date 1 or 2 – pulling back to say, “Hey, we should get to know each other a little better first before we embark on a sexual relationship.” The guy may grumble a bit at moving “backwards,” but, if he likes her, he’ll be pleased to wait a few weeks until she trusts him enough to resume the physical part of their relationship. You, on the other hand, were patient enough to wait two months to sleep with your guy. Good for you, really! – for showing restraint and seeing what he was made of as a man. As a result of your patience, you’ve been rewarded with an amazing boyfriend, and, not incidentally, 10 months of good sex.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.

Then, suddenly, you had a New Years Revelation (stronger than resolutions, I hear), which told you that in order to “get closer to God,” you should stop having sex. Got it. Now, forgive my ignorance of religion, but I’ve got a handful of questions: What does “closer to God” mean? What happens to all the unfortunate God-fearing women who have been having pre-marital sex without changing their minds? Are they screwed? Are they all going to hell? Or will they just not be as “close” with God as you are? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    pogiman

    Some people take the religion too extreme i think. I have been a christian for 12 years now. I am happy of what i do, i import good from china to USA. We all know that Chinese has long paying job and some of them commit suicide because they hate how they live in china but (somehow abuse it) does it make me away from Jesus? No. This is the same thing making love, sex is different from making love i think. I love my woman and yes we made love because i want to be close to her. We made love many times sometimes in a day. Does this make me go to hell. I do not think so. First, I do not intent of hurting my woman, 2nd, i see on marrying her in the future. 

    Let me tell you a deeper reason why Jesus died on the cross, Everyone says “for us to be free”. It also means that, long time ago when the 10 commandments from GOD through Moses YOU HAVE TO DO ALL THESE 10 COMMANDMENTS  TO SEE HEAVEN. but when Jesus died, it also means he is the only way to heaven, believe in him, you do not have to follow all these.

    You see I do not like going to churches as I do not trust pastors on how they interpret things, the pastors are just people like us who gets paid by the church from funding of investors and donations. Technically its a profession, its up to them if they wanna be a real follower of God, they can only know this by themselves. I view all the pastors or priest just like my neighbors. I think the churches are just social places that people could meet and say hi to each other. Being a christian is something that is personal that you cant really convince anybody else but you. Example of this is, If i could always say that i am a christian to my girlfriend, but deep inside me am i really? meaning its something really personal.

    By the way, did the bible say that a person who smoke will go to hell? No.
    This is the same thing in making love with your man, did the bible say making love with a woman will lead you to hell? I doubt. God made us attracted to our opposite sex because this was his plan.

    If you want to take your spiritual life crazier, dont even wear clothes when you go to work because  all these are materials made out of your clothes are coming from plants and animals that God made. (this is probably would be the next idea that you may be heading to)

    But please, do yourself a favor, when you listen to a person who claims himself a prophet or pastor in a church, do not follow all of them. you have to read the bible and understand it yourself.

    If the scenario was if you do not love the guy and you are having sex then you maybe going in hell…

    but this is not me to judge. :D 

  2. 122
    Nicolette

    Unless you get closer to God, you won’t understand what Yasmin is trying to express. However, as a sister in Christ/ Yeshua/ God, it also makes me think of the fact that Adam and Eve were never officially married on paper but perhaps rather in spirit via God’s eyes, therefore i am not saying sex before marriage is okay but perhaps maybe forgiven or accepted. At the end of the day, i do believe it is okay to stay sexless until legally married because i have known some who have done this and they say that it greatly strenghtend their relationships, similiar to fasting during high holidays, etc.    

  3. 123
    Asha

    having intimacy without going to far sexually if you are with your bf is hard as a Christian , it is better to  marry young so you have less years of temptation but that is not always done. jus try your best and a balance will be found it will be hard and any guy if he loves you and sees such a struggle in your personal and religious life will want to marry you not because he wants great sex but because he loves you. Good luck to you Yasmin and God bless 

  4. 124
    seanyae@yahoo.com

    I think you are doing a good thing.. You may have slept with him a little too soon but everyone makes mistakes and god will forgive you.. But knowing that it is wrong and you continue to do it will only make god angry. Now dealing with your boyfriend.. If he is not pressuring you then he is being genuine. But if he does not respect your decision then he does not deserve you because if he did he would marry you like a respectable man would;)

  5. 125
    CG

    I’ve spent time reading this, pretty immature it’s so obvious there are a lot of posts that were posted under different user name but the same Person, I am not going to say who ;)
    A girlfriend’s body is not a car and a man being her bf does not give him the ‘privileges’ to ‘drive’ her, sorry to break it into you, this world does not evolve just around your little world, fulfilling your* own needs and them only.

  6. 126
    littleangel

    Why not getting married instead? That is a simple solution. You can keep the relationship, the loving boyfriend and the sex. The people who only make everything complicated. :)

  7. 127
    Me

    Jesus Christ what is with you faith nuts. How can a girl cut off a guy with some stupid excuse and expect him to be okay with it. I would break up with that girl in 20 seconds. Evan was much nicer than I would have been. Pray you don’t email my column (or worse, the GQ for answers). Good luck you poor girl. Let me know how long it takes him to leave you… If its a month maybe he really loved you. Congrats.

  8. 128
    Saint Stephen

    I know some couple of great relationships that broke-up over Faith. There is obviously no way to navigate around it when you have a strong calling which your partner does not share.
     
    I’ve seen a man who left his devoted girlfriend who loves him to death (abandoning all their plans of tying the knot and raising a loving family) to become a monk despite his girlfriend’s plea and endless tears.
     
    Things of the spirit cannot be understood physically, neither can logic apply to them.

  9. 129
    Cassie

    I don’t see anything wrong with it. If he really loves you, he will understand and wait til marriage, like you’re SUPPOSED to do anyway. I am in the same boat. I want to stop after I’ve been rushed for 8 months. If he leaves me, then I’m better off. If he stays, then maybe he’s worth it. But really, no girl owes a guy anything. It’s our body. We have a say.

  10. 130
    Mike

    “If he stays, then maybe he’s worth it. But really, no girl owes a guy anything. It’s our body. We have a say.”

    THIS!

    I wonder how many cats you will own by the time you’re 60.

    If you give it up, then take it away.. then you’re not worth it. If you can’t realize moving the goalposts after the game has started is wrong, then i can only hope the guy has enough sense to leave you asap since it’s his life and he owes you nothing and has a say too, as in he can tell you where the door is.

  11. 131
    Sue

    I am in the same situation. I told the guy in the beginning i wouldnt have sex until marriage even though it has progressed after being with him for 2 and a half years without being married to him. Since he hasnt gotten me a ring yet I think its time to pull back from the sex since I dont want to be used in this manner. I wont feel bad from refraining because if he decides to leave me he never oved me to begin with.

  12. 132
    Monis Khan

    Hi Yasmin,
                I am going from a similar situation, my gf is a muslim, i was a Christian, she told me she can’t marry a non-Muslim, so i turned into Muslim (also i found it more appropriate) anyway, at the starting of relationship she didn’t let me do any touching or anything, she told me its sin, but i forced her so much because i wanted to see her commitment and she accepted, we never had actual sex but we did like kissing and touching, but after 5 months she made a decision to stop all this and save it until we marry. I agreed with her, i am having such difficulties because i feel such need for it, but i can’t do it, i am not gonna leave her just because of this, i am trying to be strong, i know its hard for me at the starting its been 4 days since i quit and Inshallah i will be able to keep my promise. :)

    Regards, Monis. 

  13. 133
    Stephany Hoffman

    Yasmin, 

     As a woman who went through the same thing, (except about 4 yrs into my relationship!!!) I applaud you.
    Stay true to you.

    Talk to him about how he feels, maybe write him a letter if he is awkward about the situation.

    Remember ppl LOVE IS NOT JUST SEX!!!!!

    So if he loves you, if he thinks you are worth waiting for… and how you feel about the long run rather than the here and now moment in front of you he will listen to and try and understand where you are coming from,

    ALSO VERY IMPORTANT TO LET HIM KNOW that waiting FOR HIM may be hard for you to do as well, but it is a sacrifice you Love him (and because maybe you believe a pure marriage is that much more beautiful and believe it or not, it is soooo so much SEXIER!!! when you are then one)… ;)

    If he respects you and you honor him let him know! maybe he feels the same. if not, you know what that man is about, that simple. you have to LOVE yourself before others. ANY others

    Also don’t be so nervous. when you believe in the woman you want to be that makes it that much easier for your bf to believe in the woman you want to be! I’ve heard girls say “WOMAN enough to bring out the pure man in him?” lol meh? not quite like that…It’s up to him now, it isn’t like he doesn’t have the choice.

    I DON’T BELIEVE IN CONSISTENCY, but I do believe in growing and bettering yourself continually your whole life through BECAUSE I’m AWESOME! lol and so are you Yasmin.

    much love
    Stephany Hoffman 

    http://www.facebook.com/stephany_87
     

  14. 134
    eternalskeptik

    I am writing my post after spending almost and hour reading all the posts and here are my comments on OP’s question:
    1. She asked that she wanted to stop having sex with her boyfriend to get closer to God till she gets marries to him?
    all the post had varying degrees of assumptions made by the poster to defend their point of view and so I shall also indulge in such liberty of expression of my views
    Yasmin..
    2 months was not a long time for you to know the guy well before you started having sex with him and now that you want to stop sex for whatever reasons you have, I would agree to your own thought…
    yes, you are taking it far… it is hard for any guy to stop having sex just at the spur of the moment.. men are differently wired than women are.. so you got to really think over it..
    2. I agree to many who say that neither of them owe anything to each other.. they mutually agreed to be n a relationship and now they should mutually decide on this issue as well.. so guys hold your horses.. sorry if I am sounding aggressive..
    3. I guess religion was unnecessarily blown out of proportion here.. everybody will have a different understanding and definition of the word “Christian” so no need to beat the stick on it., as some have tried valiantly tried to explain, just leave it.. it has not come to a conclusion and I believe it will never come to an end this..
    4. And by the way, Yasmin, said that he agreed to not have sex so lets just wait for what happens.. Evan just shared his opinion on the issue so no need to attack him personally. I believe the post is meant to answer the issue or clarify it rather than totally taking it into religion or any other thing, which unfortunately is happening in the post.
    Lets talk on facts that we know of than to make assumptions and discuss something that might not even happen.
    Thanks and please my apologies for any offense I might have made in my post as it was purely co-incidental and unintentional.
     

  15. 135
    kittykat60621

    honey!! you are doing the right thing!! you want to get closer to God you must not have sex until you are married!! if he love you then he will be cool with your decision! and if hes not, then he probably isnt the one for you! i was in your shoes! i was dating my (now) husband for 2 years before we got married. and when i got closer to the lord i told him that i couldnt have sex with him anymore until we got married, and if he didnt like it, he was more than welcome to hit the door and move on with his life, because i was not going to risk my salvation for no one. you cant serve jesus and live in fornication, despite what this devilish world may tell you! but all in all i say pray to God on this situation, because God may not have attended for him to be your husband (DO NOT RISK YOUR SALVATION FOR NO ONE OR NOTHING)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(JESUS IS LORD)

  16. 136
    MISS-TERIOUS

    firstly I agree with waiting until marriage to have sex, and yes it is unfair to have already had sex for 10 months and now you change your mind.
    Yes you are entitled to change your mind at any given time, but think about what it did to your boyfriend. maybe you gave his ego a blow (no pun intended) and now he is questioning why he should stay with you, men like their egos stroked (speaking under correction).
     we can turn things around and say,”if he really loves you, he would understand and stay”, or ” a relationship is not based on sex”.
    before you make any harsh decision, ponder about it a bit more.
    put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes and see how you would feel if it was him telling you that he didn’t want to have sex any more. 
    there are many other ways to be intimate its not only about penetration, but most people prefer to have sex to feel closer to the person they are involved with. maybe the 2 of should explore other means of intimacy and see how it goes.
    have you thought about the fact that you are going to become horny, what is your back up plan? 
    i know my 2cents of a comment might not be of any help, but at the end of the day, you have to decide what is the right choice for you.

  17. 137
    NonExist

    Evan is spot on as always.
    True she does not owe her boyfriend anything.
    And he does not owe her anything either.
    Which means if he breaks up with her because of this, no harm no foul.

    As Evan said though, she should not expect the guy to stick around just because she has had a shift in her spiritual lifestyle.

  18. 138
    Allegra

    Hi,
    First I would like to say that in part, I do not think it was fair to ask Evan this questions as it should have been directed at a Pastor.  Evan is no theologian and is not paid to be one.  You want a Christian counselor, go to one.  But, I do believe that he made some valid points- even though I don’t agree with everything he said. 
    Second, I believe he has every right to be confused on the sex before marriage thing in relation to Christianity/similar religions as the two contradict each other. If sex before marriage is wrong, then why wouldn’t this issued be messy? Evan is looking at it from a logical standpoint and nailed it right on the head by stating that it is unfair to have sex with a guy and then cut him off while expecting him to stay.  Unless this a decision that they made together because they have similar beliefs, the guy is going to jet.
    Poor Evan, I believe that Christian females will be his hardest clients of all.  Most of them will probably fall into two categories: the devout firm believers, and the Christian Atheists (those who claim to believe in God and yet live as if he doesn’t exist).  My religious belief is that God either exists or he doesn’t.  There is no in-between.  And, if he truly exists- then he should be the one we should be going to with questions like these, not Evan.  Evan gives great advice and insight, but you can’t expect him to fix something you already believe is wrong.
    Being a Christian myself, I respect Evan and take his advice with a grain of salt.  But, I have to say I respect him even more after reading the disclaimer at the end about going to the respected clergy instead of him on this issue. 

  19. 139
    Experience

    All rubbish sexual dysfunction is what is called its normal to stop 
    Sex with the one you think you love. Most sexless relationships end and never return.  

  20. 140
    coz

    To the guy who answered the question u are not thinking of the woman religious beliefs goD is all forgiving as u rudely put it but y would u intentionally sin that basically using God wen repenting cause u meant to sin.Sex before marriage is a sin so I respect her decision.Sin seperates us from God and to sin with intent is wrong

  21. 141
    Peter

    Each new sexual relationship is another new attachment stimulated by hormones and nerve patterns.  Each one after the first one is weaker.  Waiting until you are committed is the right strategy for an enduring relationship.  (Although Anne Boleyn made Henry VIII wait and he chopped her head off).  UK statistics are quite clear that people who cohabit before marriage have a higher divorce rate than people who wait until marriage for cohabitation.

    After marriage the opposite rule applies.  Have a lot of sex even when you don’t feel like.  God or not, most catholic Christians (Orthodox, Roman, Anglican, Methodists other reformed) wedding vows include “with my body I thee worship”.  It’s part of the contract.  It’s an obligation.  Break it at the peril of your long term happiness, feminist credo or not.

  22. 142
    TRUELOVE

    I have personally been through this decision myself with my boyfriend of 11 Months. Everything turned out great, we both decided our relationship needed a stronger and solid foundation that didn’t involve us having a sexual relationship.  5 months and the relationship is better then it has ever been, our focus is on bettering our self, and growing closer to God. True love waits, even if the first decision was made to have sex there is no rule book here, it is life. There isba God with standards on how we should conduct our lives. If he really loves you then sex is not an issue, and after making it through this point you will see all the things you were missing…. i believe then when you get married you will feel complete with you, him, and your new life togather. If he decides not to wait for you then it is time to take a stand for the true you, and find a man that will respect you and your decisions on what to do with YOUR BODY! You have control ove that no one else. My boyfriend and I have discovered all we were missing out on and enjoy knowing we truly love one another, knowing we weathered this strom and many others that we are able to take the next step. Good Luck, remember true love and true to you. 

  23. 143
    Shakesgirl

    This is a very difficult decision. I agree with the comments that sex is more about intimacy and connection, than anything else. Yasmin, I think you should listen to your heart, and talk to your boyfriend about your decision. If this is a deal breaker for him, than clearly he is not the one.

  24. 144
    Richard Hairston

    I think that if you are involved with one person of the opposite sex in a intimate relationship that God sanctions the commitment as a marriage. Any sexual activity outside of this relationship is a sin which is promiscuity, fornication and adultry. I also believe that God never intended for the divine institution of marriage to be in the hands of a diabolical nation like America who has no respect for things that are divine at all. Especially when this country sanctions the union of 2 male or female persons. Do you think God is pleased with this??

  25. 145
    ce100

    sex is a sin…until you are married to the person you love…but we all not perfect either…so things we do have to change to improve in ourselves….even sex…just limiting yourself from desires that can get heated into other situtations…so i believe that she is being strong minded for herself…

  26. 146
    Jadafisk

    “I think that if you are involved with one person of the opposite sex in a intimate relationship that God sanctions the commitment as a marriage.”
     
    That’s… an exceedingly unorthodox reading. The Bible says that what God has joined, no man should tear asunder (Mark 10:9). How many “marriages” has the average straight person initiated and dissolved in a lifetime under this interpretation? Easily 5 or 6, and every one beyond the first one would be considered adultery per Biblical edict (Matthew 19:9). In your rush to absolve yourself and fellow straight Christians of fornication, you’ve declared them serial adulterers. I implore you to take the plank out of your own eye.

  27. 147
    Andrea

    This is an awesome response! One of my all time favourites! Made me laugh. Made me shake my head. Made me think about the oh so many ways we seem determined to complicate our lives. So many of us get what we think we want – in this case a great guy, a great relationship but somehow we can’t stand all the ‘great’. Nooooo need a little chaos, need a little tension to keep life ‘interesting’. Got a little too much happiness and serenity going on here….Oi. Not to mention that Evan is pretty clear on this kind of thing – seriously, did she really expect a different answer?

  28. 148
    Shazza

    This can be a problem for those who seriously desire to strengthen their original relationship with God. I am 63 and recently became friends with a 73 yr old man who also said he was a christian. He knew my beliefs before we were even friends and yet as soon as it hit the ‘sex’ question he insulted my intelligence, belittled my values, spitefully withdrew courtesy and the simply shown affection of a hello and goodbye kiss. He boasted that I did not know how persuasive he could be, to which I replied that he did not know how strong minded I could be. He accused me of not loving him, that I had ‘not proven myself enough’ to him. Considering that he himself told me all the other reasons he was drawn to me as far as my ethics and integrity was concerned it seemed he wanted a good woman that was just a little bit bad! I did love him and there were many ways where he did show kindness but because he continually tryed to push my boundaries into a situation wher I would lose total respect for him because he did not value ALL of my values.To this point I had been celibate for 18 1/2 years. In essence I had to break my own heart to protect not only myself but him from the sin of fornication. In any ordinary dictionary it is’a sexual relationship between two people who are not married’ A DICTIONARY folks…NOT JUST THE BIBLE! Scripture says ‘It is better to marry than to burn with passion’. I invited this man to marry me then if he wanted me so much so that we could both enjoy a sexual relationship in front of Gods face instead of behind Gods back. His responce.’Thats an ultimatum!’ And what was his…that if I did not end up having sex with him, he would end the relationship. I am on my own and though I miss his kindness, which may easily now have been just a way to seduce me, I am very thankful that I put my relationship with God first. What ever God requires of me is for my ultimate protection and wellbeing…not for his own selfish pleasure.

  29. 149
    Jean

    Shocked!!!  Wow!!  I cannnot believe most of you people. How dare you all jump on this woman for making a decision about her beliefs, her body, her life, and most important,  her relationahip with God!! How dare you all!! No wonder we have so many sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted  pregnancies. A WOMAN DOES NOT OWE HER BOYFRIEND SEX!! You all should not give these unfair messages out where these young gullible females are reading, believing, then and then go on to think that it is a  crime against the world. Shame on all of you. 
    To Yasmin, honey you are right in your decision. The majority answer does not necessarily mean it is right. My female club members and amy sisters, my cousins all support you 100% . Do what is between you and God. We love you and we’ve got your back.

    I expect these rude harsh responses from men, but al the rude responses from females is a big surprise. 

  30. 150
    Jean

    How are you doing? Hang in there Yasmin. Hang in there baby girl. I feel like you are my daughter, so, please know that some of us love you! 11-16-2012

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