I Want To Stop Having Sex With My Boyfriend Until We Get Married.

Hi. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. I waited until I was officially his girlfriend (2 months) before we had sex. It’s been amazing, but this New Year I want to get closer to God and stop having sex until we get married. It seems like he can’t sacrifice sex for the man above or for me, and when I talk to him about it he tries to ignore the subject.He agreed to not have sex, but I feel like he’s just saying it to say it. Should this be a big concern? Or am I taking it too far since we’ve already been sexual for the past 10 months?

Thanks! Yasmin

Dear Yasmin, I’m sorry, sweetie, but you really wrote to the wrong guy. I’m pro-sex, pro-logic, and pro-consistency, and your letter fails all three tests. I can understand a woman who sleeps with a man too quickly, like, date 1 or 2 – pulling back to say, “Hey, we should get to know each other a little better first before we embark on a sexual relationship.” The guy may grumble a bit at moving “backwards,” but, if he likes her, he’ll be pleased to wait a few weeks until she trusts him enough to resume the physical part of their relationship. You, on the other hand, were patient enough to wait two months to sleep with your guy. Good for you, really! – for showing restraint and seeing what he was made of as a man. As a result of your patience, you’ve been rewarded with an amazing boyfriend, and, not incidentally, 10 months of good sex.

And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.

Then, suddenly, you had a New Years Revelation (stronger than resolutions, I hear), which told you that in order to “get closer to God,” you should stop having sex. Got it. Now, forgive my ignorance of religion, but I’ve got a handful of questions: What does “closer to God” mean? What happens to all the unfortunate God-fearing women who have been having pre-marital sex without changing their minds? Are they screwed? Are they all going to hell? Or will they just not be as “close” with God as you are? And, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t God all-forgiving? I’m sorry. I really tuned out during Hebrew school.Oh, there’s one more thing that begs a question: what about your boyfriend’s feelings? It would be like you driving your parents’ car for a year when you were 16, and then, when you turned 17, hearing from Dad that you were losing your driving privileges. Why? Because Dad read a statistic that girls under 18 get into a higher percentage of car accidents. Does he have a point? Maybe. But that wouldn’t make you feel any better. In fact, having your privileges taken away will probably make you feel much worse than if you hadn’t been driving that whole year at all. You’d understandably be resentful of your Dad, even though you know he was doing it for the right reasons.

And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return.

No matter how I slice it, I see your predicament as an arbitrary, self-imposed one, based on a lack of understanding of both religion and human nature. And if you cut off your boyfriend from having sex after 10 months, don’t be too surprised if he cuts you off in return. Not because he’s a selfish jerk. But because he has a girlfriend whose actions and needs are not properly aligned with his own. Finally, I’m sincerely sorry if I misinterpreted the doctrine of your religion. If you, or anyone reading this, wants a more religious take on the Church’s position on pre-marital sex, consult your clergy. But since you asked a dating coach a sex question, you got my irreverant take on it. Hope it gives you some clarity.

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Comments:

  1. 181
    Jade

    PAUL, SO WELL SAID! Thank you for being an upstanding man! I wish there were many more.

  2. 182
    SHAKI

    Guys and ladies this is ment to help this young lady not argue. I understand both points of views girl  and I say talk to him see if he is will to do this with yu because if he is not it wont work because he will continue to want sex and persuade u to give it to him or he will cheat, u r worth it and normally when u change ur life for god who ever ur god is u cant take people with u

  3. 183
    Jean

    I am glad that there are females in the world, who are not easliy led, have their own minds, and support other females when they have strong convictions as men have. Many females in this country, in this world,  and here on this site, tear other females down to bits, in order to follow man-made doctrines, to eem “cool”and so that they will be accepted by their man and other males. I don’t need a males’ acceptance. I have my own opinions and feelings.
     With that being said, sex is a strong desire for  males and I assume some females as well. But for many single and married  females too, sex is not a want, a desire, and not satisfying for whatever reason. But the married females, realize that sex is part of the marriage and so will need to do what is supposed to be done for their husbands.
    But people, we must not blame or scold single  females for choosing to not have sex, just as we do not scold or blame single men for their choosing to play the field and choosing to hold off on marriage.  It is not right to scold one gender, when we do not scold the other gender.
       We MUST stop the way we treat females for their choices, while not excusing males with such sayings as”boys will be boys”, or “men will be men.”  This is so sexist.
     
     
    Haven’t you all figured out yet, that males and females are so different physically and emotionally?  Please respect females’ choices, because you all support male’s choices. Men stick up for each other. Females need to stop being stupid and gullible for males and attacking each other for our choices.

    1. 183.1
      Abu Bakar Hasnath

      May peace be upon you
      I really support your point of view.

  4. 184
    Twinkle

    A man needs sex, and the good guys here wants women to believe that they are in it not just for sex. Women on the other hand needs to feel ‘safe’ – ranging from loyalty, commitment, avoiding sexual diseases, torn with being judged by religious people for having premarital sex (men don’t get judged as bad- you know this is true),..  etc etc
    From a female point of view, even if she says she enjoys the sex etc but really, it is more straining for her to be in intimacy with a man who just won’t think marriage is, well, as important as sex. 
    Idk, I guess you won’t really understand it if you’re a man. Women get older and the older she gets the less attractive she becomes, generally speaking, the less men wants her in a serious way, generally speaking,… while men can still have good looking women, able, capable, smart etc to have a serious relationships with. 
    Idk, my mind is all over the place atm coz I’m hvg a fever so my points may not make tht much sense but the point tht i actually want to make at the end of the day is..  women has more to loose than men, so so so much more to loose when they devote themselves in a long term relationship (that goes on forever and then what?) than men. Time and age works against women. 
     
    Yet at the same time it is not as easy for women to just refuse or ignore a man who likes her and she, the same. We are all adults and you and I know that’s not easy. But at the same time, due to biological, sociological etc etc prejudice factors.. it is always a losing battle /end for women to be in a long term relationship (and then what)? 
     
    Men, why not make it simple. If you like the girl, put a ring on it. Get to know her, and if sex is important to you) of course it is), you can already gauge how her physical is when u look at her (not entirely correct, but u get some idea). Like what u see? Great. Like how she thinks, acts, behaves, etc? Great. Now ask her to marry you. 
     
    Simple! Solves it for both men and women needs. 
    Now u may say what about divorce? Really, it is a losing thing for men, but just please think for a bit, no matter how much you lose, a woman will still always lose more (talking in a situation where all things are equal, for example). I do not want to get into details as it will be long, but again, the losing part for women will be in terms of looks, the possibility of getting married again and if so; to a good catch and not just anyone who will accept her ‘lack’ in whatever terms (usually physical), etc etc etc
    Be a gentleman. Take that risk. Be her Knight. Fight for her and be responsible for her, whether or not it ends in a break up. Marry her. 
     
    You makes complain it is so hard for men to get married, please take some time to think it is really even harder for women in either or any way-whether in a pre-marital relationship, marital relationship.. 
     
    Just that the only ‘redemption’ so to speak (can’t think of a better word to use atm), is for a woman to be in a marriage. She will still have tht risk of being cheated, dumped, etc, but she will have a better peace of mind to fully go all out aand give herself to her man. 
    Sigh. I think i woke up on the wrong side of bed. I feel so hopeless :(
     
     

    1. 184.1
      Karmic Equation

      “Men, why not make it simple. If you like the girl, put a ring on it.”
       
      That solves the problem for women. It doesn’t solve any problems for men. 
       
      Nice thought. But unrealistic.

      1. 184.1.1
        Henriette

        I’m not even sure it solves the problem for women.  Or, at least, not for all women. 
         
        I suspect that plenty of us ladies have received proposals of marriage, but if they came from men who lacked what Evan refers to as “character,” we’ve still got problems.

    2. 184.2
      Jenn

      Nobody NEEDS to have sex. You NEED to eat, you NEED to sleep, but you will not die if you don’t have sex for a while.

  5. 185
    Jennifer

    Think its funny how some of you Think… sure sex is important and its good to wait a while in The beginning but your man still has needs and to cut hem of for your own selfish ideas??! If your not going to satisfy him in sure someone else would be happy to. If you love someone why put them threw misorey???
    If my man did that 2 me id leave his sorry ass! 

  6. 186
    Safia

    Hi, 
    i personally feel Yasmin is a little hypocritical. I’m virgin myself as I am a Muslim and believe in after marriage but considering Yasmin gave her virginity up and has been having physical contact for the passed 10months I don’t see how not having it would change. She’s already done the bad deed, everyone already has knowledge on their religion and what God does not allow. So why do it and then regret it?!  

    1. 186.1
      Jean

      Dang it, haven’t you heard of,   “breaking the habit?”  Also, have you ever done something wrong and then realized that you should not have done the thing and so,  decided to not do it again?  That is not what hypocritical is. She realized her mistakes.

      Why do we scold women so hard.  Men rape, beat women, cheat, and we dont scold them, but we scold the female. This is a sexist world.

  7. 187
    Jean

         You all need to learn what the definition of  “selfish”  is. It generally means that the person is thinking only of their own needs, wants, and what is satisfying for them.  Yasmin, is not selfish. She had been thinking about her boyfriend in the first part of the relationship, as she gave him the sex he wanted, while she was probably suffering in silence, very uncomfortable and unhappy about it, which is how MANY of us females tend to do. 5-8-14
          I was like many gullible and low self esteem young females are and  did the same thing with my boyfriend, all the while I hated it. Females have got to open their eyes and learn some sense and love themselves and stop allowing man made doctrines to persuade them to lay down with boyfriends, just to please him.  As a single female, I really was not that into sex.  I did it under pressure. As the one who has the vagina, I had so much to lose by having premarital sex.  There was, my going against my religious convictions about  what my God said to not do, the threat of pregnancy, disrespect from my boyfriend, getting a smelly vagina from constant sex, uncomfortable positions females get in during sex, the threat of my boyfriend getting bored from regular sex with me, the threat of sexually transmitted diseases that I knew were possible because most males will lay their penises anywhere they get the opportunity, while I knew I was only with him, and the list goes on.
     
         It seems that women suffer more from premarital sex than men and men reap the benefit of release. Females don’t have the build up of sexual tension,  and that urge to relaease often. So, you males, men and boys, stop trying to make  females be like you all, just like you all do not want us females to change you and try to make you like females.  We do not have penises. We have vaginas that do not get erect. Get over yourselves and shut up.  Females get tired of these articles that men and women scold and belittle females with. It is not fair. 
     
    Now tell me that the woman is selfush when she avoids sex. Yo all are xrazy

    1. 187.1
      Jenn

      Jean, I agree that wanting to save sex for marriage isn’t selfish. It is a difficult concept for most people to grasp these days, but choosing to save sex for marriage is actually the best thing you can do to honor your future husband or wife. Sure, her boyfriend wouldn’t agree, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles! He can either choose to continue to build a meaningful, committed relationship with her that could lead to a more mutually gratifying sexual relationship once they’re married. Or he can choose to put his own needs ahead of what’s best for the relationship and bail. But somehow I don’t think he’ll be any happier or more fulfilled in the long run. A man of character would appreciate her choice, even if he didn’t understand it or originally want it to be that way. On the other hand, I see why it would be hard for him to accept her choice.

  8. 188
    Could be my girl

    My girlfriend has decided to do the same thing, the way she uses God to defend her point is an unfair battle. She makes It something that can’t be challenged. I would leave her but I love her I would cheat but I love her. She is ready to get married now after a little more then a year but I’m thinking about 5 more years min. to be safe. With that being the case, honestly makes life look bleak… Not because that’s all I care about is sex but because idk how long I can take it. I find myself becoming overwhelmingly sad about it. Never heard about the whole sex carrot on a string but that’s what I feel like is happening. With me being a guy I don’t know what words to say so she can understand how I feel, because I have tried but it falls on death ears to a person that is a debater by birth.

    1. 188.1
      Jenn

      Why be 5 years? That’s an awfully long time to be in a relationship and not know whether you want to be married to someone or not. If you’re sad, it’s only because you are thinking about relationships more in terms of what you get out of it more than what you can put

      1. 188.1.1
        Jenn

        Put into it. If you can put your own selfish, baser urges aside to invest more of your mental and spiritual energy into the relationship, you might find that it’s worth it to delay gratification.

  9. 189
    Iridium_moon

    What a terribly sad tale.
     
    Sex is just a normal part of life. It’s no big deal. Really.
     
    In fact, once one begins to understand evolutionary biology, sex is possibly the reason for everything and quite possibly the answer, in one way or another, to every human question ever asked.
     
    That some commenters have suggested that women don’t really enjoy sex and that it’s all about the men, leaves me genuinely shocked. I am stunned that anyone can be so ignorant, or brainwashed, or somehow damaged, to really think like that. It goes against all evidence of biology, neurochemistry and anatomy.
     
    In my experience women adore sex, and are certainly capable of enjoying more of it, for longer, than most men are!
     
    Then came all the hundreds of religions (with each one, through the millennia, promoting itself as the one true version): ridiculous fairy-stories dreamt up – always by men – to control and suppress others, particularly women. I wonder why?
     
    Yasmin, you are clearly an intelligent woman, yet you say you intend to give up sex with the real man you have in front of you, who you can see and touch, for the benefit of what you describe as the ‘man above’, who you can’t.

    Right.
     
    Sex can be a celebration of this wonderful one life we have. Every moment of our short stay on this ridiculous planet is deeply precious. There is transcendental beauty out there: in nature, in art, in science, in love, in food, in parenthood, and in the people who touch our lives.
     
    If ever you are minded to listen to a stranger on the internet I implore you to listen to this: don’t let absurd, made-up rubbish (ie ALL religions) cause you to waste a moment of this wonderful life. Your time will not come again.

    1. 189.1
      starthrower68

      There are an awful lot of people in the world coming to know a Savior who are willing to suffer and die for “made up rubbish”.  If there’s nothing to it, seems to me there wouldn’t be such ardent resistance to it, either.  I would expect to be considered a simple minded fool for my beliefs, but there are some very learned, highly intelligent people who do believe.  

      1. 189.1.1
        Mark Ribbands

        << … awful lot of people  … willing to suffer and die for “made up rubbish”.  >>
        Yes,  that’s EXACTLY the problem!
        One has only to look at recent news to see that.  Only the most committed and true believers, who really, genuinely, believe one of the Abrahamic religions, become suicide bombers or behead aid workers: all for the greater Glory of God.

        1. starthrower68

          Are Christians doing that?  We’re not fans of Westborough Baptist or lone gunman in abortion clinics either and speak out against them.  We even acknowledge that if the church were doing a better job loving others, there might not be so many atheists.  You have the free will to think it’s hogwash as you please, but for those with a deep genuine faith, they aren’t likely to change their hearts and minds because secular culture thinks they should.

        2. Evan Marc Katz

          “For those with a deep genuine faith, they aren’t likely to change their hearts and minds”

          And vice versa. Religious people seem to forget atheists aren’t likely to change their minds, and are no less moral than those who believe in a higher power. Failure to accept and understand this is a collective religious blind spot.

        3. starthrower68

          Btw, I’d say my faith runs pretty deep, although I have room for growth and I have not “arrived”; I attend church 2-3 times a week, more if there is something going on.  But oddly enough, I have no desire to strap on a bomb and blow anyone up, nor does anyone in my church that I’m aware of.  I don’t know any Christians who want to do that.  But I can see how obeying a God who say love one another and share the Gospel would be confused for terrorists in an age where good is bad and bad is good. Sounds about right. 😉

        4. Mark Ribbands

          @Evan
          “Religious people seem to forget atheists aren’t likely to change their minds, … Failure to accept and understand this is a collective religious blind spot.”
          I remain unconvinced that religious people really believe they can convert a committed atheist (ie usually an intelligent person who has gained his information about how the world works from more that ONE book) but more likely that their church requires evangelical activity as part of their particular creed. Therefore, shouting at Richard Dawkins gains them points; presumably once they have enough of which they can turn left after the gates of heaven, rather than rough it in Cattle Class with all the other believers who didn’t quite believe enough.
          “… atheists aren’t likely to change their minds, and are no less moral than those who believe in a higher power. … ”
           
          It depends. I don’t believe that atheists or believers are necessarily any more or less moral than each other. 
           
          What I do believe though is that anyone who needs a stupid old book to tell them things like ‘do not kill’, ‘do not steal’, ‘be nice to other people’ and other divine instruction for what are usually innate human characteristics, has a serious moral deficiency.

        5. Mark Ribbands

           
          @ Starthrower
           
          “But I can see how obeying a God who says love one another and share the Gospel …”
           
          If you’re a nice person, starthrower, and I’ll assume that you are, do you really need a perceived ‘God’ to tell you to ‘love one another’? Is that not a self-evident part of being human?
           
          Tell me, did you REALLY need an old book to tell you that?  Was it like you were a horrible person, then heard a preacher spouting the words of Jesus, and you suddenly thought ‘Oh, silly me, I’d never thought of that, I’ll be nice to people from now on.’?
           
          (And then he probably in some way asked for money for these gems of wisdom. Funny that.)
           
          One thing I also find so offensive about religion is that it allows horrible people to continue to be horrible; but that’s OK because they can then ask for forgiveness. Atheists have no such get-out. We take our sins to the grave.
           
          Have you really read the bible? If there’s one book in the world that will cause a thinking person to reject religion, it’s not ‘The God Delusion’, it’s the Holy Bible (or the Koran). It describes a God who is outstanding in His capricious depravity. It’s one of the foulest works of fiction ever written. That said, in its King James version it’s occasionally an outstanding work of literature, but as a guide to morals? I don’t think so. I personally couldn’t keep up with all the murdering I’d be supposed to do. It would feel innately wrong.

        6. SparklingEmerald

          Starthrower said,  “Are Christians doing that?  We’re not fans of Westborough Baptist or lone gunman in abortion clinics either and speak out against them.  We even acknowledge that if the church were doing a better job loving others, there might not be so many atheists.”
          ST – You seem like a genuinely nice person,  and I enjoy reading most of your posts, but this attitude from believers, while perhaps well meaning, comes off as very condescending.  There is an underlying assumption that atheists/agnostics (and non-Christians, and people who are the “wrong” kind of Christian) are only what they are because they are “angry” at God, or that Christians were mean to them.  No possibility seems to be given to the idea that atheists/agnostics came to the conclusions that they did through rational thinking.  Oh no, they are just bitter disaffected people, and if someone just gave them enough love, they would start believing in God & Jesus.
          The whole “be nice to people as a way of witnessing for  Christ ” really implies that if someone sees a Christian behaving nicely and being happy, that all those poor unsaved atheists, agnostics, Buddhist, Jews, etc. will just somehow see the light, drop to their knees and shout “Praise be to Jesus”.
          I see people being nice, loving and happy on a daily basis.  Some are devout Christians, some are Heathens like me, some are Jews, I even have a friend from India who is Jain, who is very nice.  I see nice Buddhists and atheists, etc.  I also see people who aren’t so nice across the faith spectrum.  I don’t change my religion every time I see a person who seems happy, loving and acts nice.  I don’t condemn all Christians, Buddhists, atheist etc. when I see one of their members acting horribly.
          Nor do I expect anyone to become a Heathen because they see me doing charitable work, being kind & loving to those around me, or acting happy and positive.  And in my not so nice moments, I don’t think that should be a license to tar and feather all Heathens.
          More Christians doing a better job of loving mankind isn’t going to mean fewer atheists, but it will make the world a nicer safer place, just as more people of ALL beliefs doing a “better job  loving others”   will.

        7. starthrower68

          I think that those who disagree with Christians, and other religions, are going to think of me as they will.  It’s all good. Since I’m free from me, I’m free from you too.  I’m not mad or angry at any of you. If you want to think of me as having serious moral deficiencies because I follow an old book, well, that’s not on me.  Peace 😃

  10. 190
    Jean

    “It’s no big deal”   What??  It is a big deal for an innocent young and vulnerable female who has been coerced into sex by her boyfriend.  For a female sex is all about her boyfriend’s release.  She has no need for any release!  She is trying to please him, not herself.  Females DO NOT have a need to release any dog goned thing.

          When females act as if they are interested in sex, it is really them being interested in the closeness to their guy, the touching, hugging, kissing,  etc. Yes, for a female,  there is a thrill and it feels good, but honey darling, we females do not think about or want sex the way you all do. Why is this sad to you? Is it sad for you a male, because you want women to be robots and think and feel about sex like you all. Sorry, females can live without sex. We are the way we are. 

    .

    1. 190.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      She wasn’t coerced. She had sex for 10 months. She changed her mind. She will likely lose her boyfriend because of it. If she’s comfortable with that, that’s her decision.

      1. 190.1.1
        starthrower68

        NopeI agree, atheists aren’t likely to change their minds. But I recognize I’m not in control of that anyway.  ☺

      2. 190.1.2
        starthrower68

        I will add that I do appreciate your  willingness to allow the dialogue. 😊

    2. 190.2
      Iridium_moon

      Hello Jean. What an extraordinary response!  I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are a human female, and not some hairy internet-goblin, living in a remote Norwegian forest untouched by the hand of man. (I deleted an additional conjunction, because I’m a nice chap :) )
       
      ‘Innocent’?  ‘Vulnerable’?  Oh for goodness’ sake! Yasmin is clearly a mature and intelligent woman, able to think, and to make her own decisions. Were she not she would not be asking questions on this site. Please show the lady some respect and don’t insult her.
       
      Any man worth dating would never coerce a woman to do anything, let alone to have sex. Not only is coercion a spectacularly foolish strategy, doomed to long-term failure, but even if occasionally successful, is likely to result in highly unsatisfying sex anyway.
       
      You obviously don’t enjoy sex, and that’s fine with me: go away, live alone, don’t date, buy some cats, and don’t have sex. That’s what living in a free country is about, everyone can choose to do, or not do, whatever they bloody-well like.
       
      But please don’t appear on a dating advice site to spread such atypical views. I’m intrigued from where you get your data about ‘we’, ie all females. Have you asked them all? And please explain why you are spending time writing comments on this site at all: what do you want?
       
      It’s a shame that this site does not have comment approval/disapproval buttons. Such might prove instructive by revealing how many women here share your views. Or not.

  11. 191
    Jean

            Iridium, I thought you,  were the   “hairy internet goblin” ,  because you do not want females to post here and you want the site moderators to delete me,  just because  I am not a people pleaser who says what you want to hear. I like to speak the truth. I am one who is normally trying to help both genders. I am not being paid to tell you how many females feel about males and sex. Just trying to get some sense in your heads. 
         On the other hand,  you all can continue to behave like narcissistic, spoiled, little boys who want their way.  The moderators  might need to delete you and some of the other males  for bullying me and not wanting me to voice my opinion. I have done no wrong here.  Don’t men go to female sites all the time?  But you think  females can’t come to male sites?  This is the free world, Iridium.  I don’t need you to give me the benefit of anything and I don’t need your approval. But you need to calm your nastiness.
         Females’ voices have  been hushed and told to shut up for too long and we were not allowed to speak, or vote, or do anything, for many years,  lest some swollen headed, arrogant, male, labeled us as man hater, or some mess about needing to get laid or  being a troll. Men cannot control the world.
         In conclusion,  females have the right to give their opinions,  just like you males do.  Females  have feelings, emotions, and their own minds.  Oh, wait……. ahhh……..you thought females were meant to just give sex all the time and not speak or voice their opinions? Well, maybe,  for once,  just for once,  if males, would stop and listen to what females are trying to say,  then the world might  see  a lot  more sexually fulfilled males.  
        

    1. 191.1
      Lily

      Please don’t speak for all females. I love sex!
       

      1. 191.1.1
        Gerhard

        Love this reply

  12. 192
    -

    You can’t just have sex with someone than stop. Well you can, but people become dissatisfied. This would lead to cheating. Either you make them wait for it, for however long you see fit, or you have sex and keep it constant. It’s like giving a fat person chocolate cake for the first time — they will want it FOREVER. Either wait and hold off giving it as long as you think is necessary, or give and don’t complain when they want more everyday.

  13. 193
    Lauren

    Honey, I’m in an exact situation as yours. I’ve been together with my 2yr and half yrs boyfriend. Our sex was great! Til I became a Christian. I can sense that everything got uncomfortable when he knew how committed I want to be with God and our sex is affected. It’s hard to let go of the person you love but think of it as if you are to pleased God. I never felt any resentment to my boyfriend, we don’t share the same views. My bf not only noticed that but noticed I wasn’t the fun person anymore, I wasn’t the girl he loved before. Believe me it hurts so much. I kept crying all night he was great to me! But just wasn’t the guy for me. Put God first above everything. Don’t let our body be our heart. Do what makes you happy! Btw, my bf broke up with me today cause I made a choice.  God bless :)

    1. 193.1
      starthrower68

      Lauren, the world will call you foolish for the choice you made. But you chose the more excellent thing. :-)

      1. 193.1.1
        Lily

        I did the whole good-Christian girl thing. I had HORRIBLE sex for almost 30 years of my marriage. He did not give me orgasms (although I faithfully give him his) and he told me masturbation was morally wrong, so I had to hide from him to get ANY sexual pleasure.
        Thank God I got out of that marriage and discovered that yes, there are men who are unselfish in the bedroom.
        I think people who are not very sexual are the only ones who can actually follow the rules of conservative Christianity.  

        1. starthrower68

          I’m willing to bet there are a good many of us who would disagree with you since you can’t make blanket assumptions about the libidos of an entire demographic based on just your experience.  I mean you can, but it’s probably pretty far off the mark.

  14. 194
    Jenn

    Becoming a more godly woman is a good thing. If a guy doesn’t want to be with me because I am saving myself for marriage, then he is not the kind of guy I’d want to be with anyway. No matter how good of a guy he might be otherwise, if he can’t accept, respect and maybe even love me more because of my choice, he’s not worth my time. Though I agree that it’s unfair in the short term that her boyfriend is being denied sex, it’s for the greater good. It does need to be his decision as much as hers, though. If he knows he can’t (or more appropriately, won’t) agree to wait, then he should do them both a favor and leave.

    1. 194.1
      RustyLH

      WOW Jenn, we agree on something.  I’m shocked.

    2. 194.2
      Jeremy

      Jenn, I would agree with you if that had been the arrangement from the getgo.  But the fact that they were having a sexual relationship that she unilaterally chose to stop because she had a religious epiphany – is not a good sign for their future.  In fact, I would advise this guy to run before he commits half his assets to her in perpetuity.  If she has no qualms about the old bait and switch before marriage, what might she try to pull once she has him committed?  What other life changing epiphanies might be on the horizon?
      Again, if she had been upfront and told him that she wanted to wait until marriage from the beginning, it would be his choice as to whether he wanted to get involved with her or not, but she would have acted with integrity.  But in this case she waited until they were already sexual and engaged, then changed the deal.  Not cool. 

  15. 195
    Sandra L

    Thanks Amelia. I’m in the same boat……once you realized your son, repent is key….not keep on sinning over and over just because God forgives.. 

  16. 196
    Sandra L

    I’m glad I am not the only woman feeling thos way…..if a man truly cates he should be able to understand….if not, then maybe he’s not the right one.

  17. 197
    webding

    Sex outside of marriage if fornication. God is all forgiving, but he commands us to “sin no more”, or at least try as hard as we able (He’s God, so He knows what we’re capable of). Good for you Yasmin, I hope you are closer to God than anyone else, because there is only so much a mere mortal is capable of. By the way author, religion and God are not the same thing. Did you know that the phrase “ignorance is bliss” is a biblical one?

  18. 198
    Isaac Lovo

    Stupid feminist smh. You as a women have no right to say what a guy thinks,we think much differently than you chicks and have a stronger desire for sex. Now,I’m not much to talk,because me myself am not very sexually active, but come on. It’s obvious men really REALLY like sex,and to deprive them of that is to like deprive women of candy or buying nice things. There is a reason us men have to pay for EVERYTHING you women need,because we at least want casual sex once in a while instead of being deprived of it,come on chicks ,stop kidding yourselves, you’re just being die hard feminist

    1. 198.1
      tamara

      Men may want casual sex, but they don’t need casual sex. Your sexual desires can be satisfied by one person–your long-term partner. Even if I accept that men have ‘needs’ for sex–which I don’t really understand since there’s always m*sturbation–u can’t expect women to accept that u have a Need for casual sex. I really hope that u’re below 25/30, I’d really hate to think there are lots of fully-grown men who think like u.
       

    2. 198.2
      Evan Marc Katz

      Isaac is a simple-minded man who unfortunately represents a decent swath of the population. By allowing his comment, I’m hoping it allows you to avoid men like him.

      1. 198.2.1
        RustyLH

        I have noticed that there are two groups of people who seem to get very angry at the prospect of women making men wait for sex.  I personally think they both have the same motivation but they voice different motivations.  The men seem to be honest in simply advocating for things to remain the same as they are now, and seem to fear it going back to the more traditional ways.
        Women, I think have the same motivation, but I say that because I will never understand how they equate a woman CHOOSING to wait is somehow against women and for men, which is the reason most often given for their being against it.
        Frankly, I think waiting is the ONLY option IF a woman is at a point in her life where she is actively seeking a long term relationship.

        1. Karmic Equation

          I disagree that a woman should make a MAN wait for sex.

          I would say it differently…
          A woman should make HERSELF wait for sex until she understands HER own motivations for having sex AND has determined that HE truly LIKES her and is not just going through the motions waiting for the sex to happen.

          If she can’t tell that he LIKES her for her and she hasn’t determined that she likes him for who he TRULY is (to the degree that she can at that point in her relationship) — and not as the person she’s PROJECTED/BUILT him up to be — then she needs to REFRAIN from having sex with him.

          The reality is, if BOTH people TRULY like each other, and sex happens, he’s going to stick around. Men don’t leave women they truly LIKE. However, if a woman turns unlikeable after sex, he probably will leave, but it will NOT be because she had “sex too soon”, it’s because she CHANGED after sex. If women STAYED the same woman AFTER sex as she was BEFORE sex, you can bet most men won’t disappear.

          It’s not the “having” of the sex that makes men disappear. That is a fallacy to salve a woman’s ego and keeps her from having to address her own behaviors AFTER sex. 

        2. RustyLH

          I understand what you are saying Karmic, but I can assure you that even I, as a man, have known many women I would gladly enter into a short term relationship, just for the sex with her, but in no way would I ever consider marrying them.  In short, many men will enter into a sexual relationship with a woman, knowing before hand, that there is no way he is going to marry her.  In fact, the reality is, the majority of men do this the majority of the time.  It works perfectly for men.  The sexual revolution was a huge win for men.  It gave them exactly what they want.
          If I only want sex, I am not going to stick around and do all the boyfriend things without the sex.  Now…what many men say they will do is see other women on the side.  OK, how is he going to do that if he is your boyfriend?  When I say that…I mean that he and you are a couple, you do everything together…spend most of your free time together.  He shouldn’t have enough time to date other women.  If he takes a woman on a date, he should be running the risk of getting caught.  But then, the times most people go on dates, he should be on a date with her.  Coming around to see you once a week for a couple of hours, is not being a boyfriend.  Spending the majority of his free time with you, is being a boyfriend.

        3. Julia

          You know what’s crazy Rusty? Women will also enter into sexual relationships with someone they don’t want to marry. Sometimes we are just attracted to someone and horny. This isn’t a male phenomenon. Asides from virgins who have sex for the first time on their wedding night. Both men and women tend to also enter into sexual relationships before they know they want to marry someone. That’s perfectly normal,

        4. RustyLH

          I never said they don’t Julia.  This whole thing of making a man wait has never been about women wanting sex less, or not enjoying NSA sex, or one night stands.  We all know that women sometimes want that.  I pretty much acknowledged that this was the case when I said that women have the same reasons as men for not wanting it to  become the norm to have to wait, even though they try to claim some other reason, usually trying to claim victim status, that somehow this is all a male originated plot to hold women down.
          It has always been about one thing, and that is for women to be better able to separate the wheat from the chaff…when SHE is the one who wants a serious, LTR.

        5. tamara

          @Rusty: I have to disagree on your definition of a bf. There are pple who are more busy/introverted than others, plus not everyone focuses so much on spending time with the partner and still sets aside significant time for friends and family. One of my longtime male friends often only sees his fiancee once a week; it works for them. (He may be an extreme case though, because he has work-related stuff roughly 2 evenings a week)
           
          I just don’t want any woman to read your post and get freaked out that just becos she and her bf aren’t spending most evenings together, that he’s cheating on her. Pple don’t need more insecurity. :p I’ve had bfs before where we only met up once or max twice a week; women have intuition though, and I could tell who was serious about me and who wasn’t. They reveal it in their behavior. I don’t need to demand he spend most of his free time with me to know how he feels about me–honestly I would hate having to do that, because many women do like having personal time away from guys too!
           
          And secondly, I agree men benefited in some ways from women being ‘allowed’ to be sexually liberal. But so have women. I was just reading a Dickens story ‘Bleak House’ (ok the abridged version). This woman is threatened by a man, he says he will reveal a secret from her past; she’s terrified and feels her husband will never forgive her terrible past and leaves home. The secret? She was once engaged and had a baby out of wedlock; her fiance later died. She feels her life will be ruined (ppl will know she was an unwed mother, her husband would be disgraced) and she goes to the cemetery and is found dead lying on her ex-fiance’s grave with a suicide note.
           
          Ok this is an extreme case–Victorian England–but I feel that on-balance women have benefited from the sexual liberalism. Ask women whether they wanna live in the US or in the fundamentalist Muslim nation, it’s a no-brainer. I’m not sure I agree with what u say about the sexual revolution being a win for men though–u may think so, some guys think so cos of self-interest (more sex) ,and I believe true Liberal men think so because they generally believe in freedom (yay for Liberal men!) but believe me, I’ve heard lots of whining from men on the internet, about how difficult it is for guys to find women who aren’t ‘hoes’ thanks to the sexual revolution.

      2. 198.2.2
        starthrower68

        Exactly. Let people tell you exactly they are. We just have to be sure we’re paying attention.

  19. 199
    Jean

    First of all, let us stop with the overuse of the word “feminist”.  Need I use the word male chauvinist to label men who disagree with women? 

    For your info, every female who has an opinion about what she wants for herself and every female who supports her, is not a feminist. 

  20. 200
    Thom

    My ex did this same thing a couple of months before we broke up for family and religious reasons, or at least that is what she said.  So we stopped having sex because I didn’t want to hurt her and have her feel guilt over continuing to have sex.  What I didn’t realize and what it seems people are forgetting is that sex comes with an emotional attachment to the other person, or at least it should.  If she is really looking to marry her boyfriend then playing with his emotions is not gonna make that happen sooner.  More than likely she is trying to use this to get her boyfriend to marry her earlier and is tired of waiting.  Not saying that that is what is absolutely happening here but why wait this long into the relationship to cut off sex.  If religion was that important to her why have sex in the first place?  My experience with this was she was just looking to get married ASAP and used sex as a tool.  Taking away sex is not the way to get what she wants.  He will end up being emotionally distraught and more than likely the relationship will fall apart.  Whatever her reasons are for doing this are completely selfish and don’t take his feelings into account.  I can understand wanting to hold off in having sex before marriage but that ship has sailed.  

    1. 200.1
      tamara

      I agree so much with what u said. I hope Yasmine’s bf broke up with her over this, this seems like manipulation to me and is quite selfish. If she’s not happy with the rship or the fact he doesn’t seem serious about her, I think she should either discuss it with him or dump him, not play these games.

    2. 200.2
      starthrower68

      I think it’s a bit misguided to assume it’s some sort of play on her part to get a ring. If one is not a person of faith, then it’s easy to dismiss as some sort of trick.  But people have a true heart and spirit conversion truly desire to live it out even if it costs them everything. Merriam Ibrahim was in a Sudanese jail with her 2 small children and was willing to go to her death for her faith.  We’ve been blessed in America in that we have not been truly tested. But our turnid coming.

      1. 200.2.1
        Karmic Equation

        Starthrower,
         
        Someone who’s ALREADY had sex in a relationship and then decides to NO LONGER have sex in that relationship because of a new calling to her faith is TOTALLY different than being PERSECUTED by a GOVERNMENT for her faith. Not even remotely in the same ballpark.
         
        If OP’s faith is that strong, then she should just as unilaterally break up with the boyfriend and free him to find someone else, instead of trying to “have her cake and eat it too.” — As in, we’re not going to have sex, but you’re still my boyfriend. And this makes sense how?
         
        It’s one thing to do as Jenn and wait until marriage for ANY sex to occur. It’s totally different to change mid-stream. This is a woman’s equivalent to being “strung along” — she’s trying to “force his hand”.

        1. starthrower68

          Karmic I Karmic, with all due respect, you are looking to be contentious by saying I made a claim I did not make. I have said on this and when this situation has appeared in other areas of this website that anyone who wants to leave a relationship because the other person wants to stop having sex outside of marriage is perfectly free to do so.  I have even said that if their core values and convictions are that dissimilar, they are better off parting company. So I am not making the claim that you would like to think I am.  I am, however, saying that it would be incorrect to assume that someone has a conversion to faith merely manipulate another person. Does it happen? I’m sure it does. But is it correct to makes that a default, knee-jerk position? Not so much.  We cannot know what this young lady’s experience has been that brings her to her faith.  But it’s no great surprise when secular society calls a person foolish for it. :-) 

  21. 201
    starthrower68

    “Turn is”.  The smartphone burns me again.

  22. 202
    Jean

              First  of all, I think it is a bit unfair for a male to say that a female strings her partner along just to get an engagement ring. Yes, there are user females, but so are there user males. Getting a ring from your fella is a tradition that females look forward to,  just like a female’s dad  looks forward to dominating the wedding walk and being the one to bring daughter down the aisle and leaving her mother out.  Will you then say that dad is stringing the daughter along just to get to strut down the aisle without mom?

          You see expectations along the tradition lines, are just that, expectations. You see,  a female waiting and hoping for a ring is as much a tradition as the walk that dad hopes to do. Maybe we should just cut out both traditions. Stop dad from taking the wedding walk from mom and stop the boyfriend from giving a ring to the girlfriend.  

     

  23. 203
    mc

    Consistency hmm, it is a long term sexual relationship between 2 people, a lot is being said about individuals, entitlement, deserves, rights, and so on. It shouln’t be an I or me thing alone,  its a relationship and desire, decisions should be we and consider each persons feelings.

  24. 204
    Jean

    Isn’t that a bit redundant?

  25. 205
    mc

    A debate just for arguments sake, no thanks, its a Relationship its about 2people here not one.

  26. 206
    Kevin

    What happens though when you are already dealing with someone that has a problem being affectionate. My girl and I have been together for almost 2 years and she decided now she wanted to stop having sex to get closer to God, but what happens when she is no longer affectionate at all because she doesn’t want it to lead to sex. Marriage is not the issue because the wedding date is set.

  27. 207
    mc

    Kevin makes a good point, affection is important to each person, She decided does not sound like we agreed, being on the same page is essential i in marriage as is communication on feelings, needs and desires, partners dne their partnership jointly

  28. 208
    Jean

         Yes, relationships are meant to be about both persons and also meant to give both individuals some reasonable sense of  enjoyment. But often times,  it does not happen that way.  There is no need for anyone to play games,  just try to treat the partner with a reasonable  amount of respect.  There is no need to place blame, because really, men are just as tricky and manipulative as women are.  Women do not hold a trademark on manipulation or using others.  Those are traits worn by both genders.

           BTW, some women have a problem with having sex, just as some men have a problem with monogamy and  commitment.. Stop implying that there is something wrong with a woman who does not like sex. It’s no big deal to women. Unless we can begin saying that there is something wrong with men too, for not liking monogamy and wanting to commit. 
      

  29. 209
    mc

    lol not by implication, but by assumption people make erroneouus conclusions, hence the need for communication. which means listening and not just talking. its not about blame, its not gender battle. you can make it work or make it war, but whatever you do you BOTH play a part.

  30. 210
    Laura Mapani

    Yasmin, i think your question would have been better answered by Christians who would understand what you are talking about. Remember the wisdom of God is foolishness to the world. I know exactly what is going through your mind and what you are thinking. I’ve been there. You’re not crazy to want that, it’s part of that inner yearning to be closer to God. I don’t know why people want a free pass when it comes to Christianity. The are rules and regulations to it justbas there are to every other profession..

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