I’d Rather Have Sex With My Cheating Ex Than With My Devoted Boyfriend

What is wrong with me?? I have been searching for a sweet, wonderful guy. Along the way, I met someone that I adored, but I found out that he was sleeping with someone else. I confronted him and told him that I had to be the only one. He said he wasn't ready or willing to settle down with one person. So, I continued my search and met Mr. Wonderful. He adores me, is ready to propose, but I have a problem–our sex life is not good, and I find myself dreaming about Mr. Two-Timer, who was great in bed. What's worse, Mr. Two-Timer, who couldn't commit, now has a committed relationship with the other woman.

I'm still jealous and feeling hurt over him, while I've got this wonderful guy who loves me and wants to commit. I'm wondering what the hell is wrong with me? Can sex, or boring sex, cloud one’s judgment this much??

Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Isn’t it a shame there isn’t a correlation between “nice”and “great-in-bed”

(Millions of men who have slept with hot crazy women are nodding right now.)

The truth is that attraction and devotion are two things that CAN go together but don’t INHERENTLY go together. In fact, it would probably be more accurate to state that attraction and devotion are at opposite poles.

(Millions of women who have gone out with non-committal bad boys are nodding right now.)

He was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

So what’s a nice girl who wants a nice guy with awesome bedroom skills to do?

Well, as a dating coach who tries to train all of his clients to become their OWN dating coach, here’s what I’d suggest: Look at the things you cannot change.

Mr. Two-Timer is a two-timer. It doesn’t matter if you initially adored him, he was SLEEPING with someone else, which instantly disqualifies him for his free gift from the Boyfriend-of-the-Month Club. Good riddance.

Mr. Two-Timer has another 120lbs of baggage, his new girlfriend. Don’t get too upset. She’ll learn his nickname soon enough. Although maybe not until a few years into their marriage. Be glad that he’s her problem, not yours.

Oh, but then there’s the sex thing. Why does sex always have to get in the way of such beautiful friendships?

(Millions of women who want to marry their gay best friends are nodding right now.)

Thankfully, sex is something that can change, especially if the parties involved are motivated to change. If you don’t believe me, consider what you know about sex now as compared with when you were say, 16. Have you learned a thing or two? I sure hope so.

Where things get sticky (not literally) is in trying to finesse HOW to get Mr. Devoted to WANT to change. Does he have any idea that you’re dissatisfied with your love life? Have you been faking your way through the past year? If so, it’s going to come as quite a shock to this guy that, oops, I’ve been lying to you this entire time…. 

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I can only imagine if my fiance suddenly let me know that my mad sex skillz were merely elementary to her. There’d be embarrassment, shame, and a severe loss of confidence. See, that’s the hardest part to fix.

The same way a woman who’s been cheated on will have great difficulty trusting a man if she takes him back, a man who has been told he’s got no game is always going to feel like he’s falling short.

But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS.

And a guy who feels like he’s falling short is NEVER going to be confident enough to be good in bed. Let’s face it: being good in bed for a man is ALL about confidence. Sure, it helps to be properly equipped, but for the most part, it’s about knowing what you’re doing, playing a dominant role, knowing when to please and be pleased, experimenting, having stamina, and so on.

All of this stuff can improve with practice. But it is not going to improve until you start letting him know what you need. And that’s where you’ve fallen short, Lisa. You’re not wrong for desiring two men in two different ways. But you haven’t given your guy a roadmap to please you, you’re just hoping he’s got his own built-in GPS. Sorry, babe. Doesn’t always work like that.

Instead of telling him what he’s doing wrong, let him know what you’d like. You want to be tied up. You want to use a vibrator. You want him to take you from behind. Whatever. This guy WANTS to please you, all you have to do is show him how. And if that doesn’t take, there’s always Kama Sutra guides and sex therapists.

But it’s clear to me that you’ve got a far better shot of turning Mr. Devoted into Mr. Spank Me Harder than you do of turning Mr. Two-Timer With Another Girlfriend into Mr. Monogamous.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    christina

    Evan is super-right with a bullet here.

    Also, I’ve had my fair share of dramatic sex with a cheating ex and it was AMAZING. It was amazing because of the drama. I-missed-you-I-love-you-I-thought-we’d-never-do-this-again sex is often going to be way more intense than I’m-committed-to-you-and-want-to-make-you-happy sex. The problem with the first kind is how awful you feel the rest of the time. When you’re not in bed, when he’s not home and you know that he’s with his other girlfriend, when he’s lying to you and you know it. I’d take the person who makes me feel good all the time any day.

  2. 2
    mic

    Maybe the sex isn’t good because the physical attraction isn’t high? Anyway, it sounds like things aren’t going to work out in the long run.

  3. 3
    Honey

    I agree with Evan completely here. If boosting his ego while giving him suggestions is the issue here, you can always preface what you want him to do with “here is a list of things I’ve always wanted in my sex life that I’ve never been comfortable enough to list out or ask for with anyone but you.”

    And, what the heck, make it true! Really think about the things that you want to try that you’ve never done with ANYONE and add them to the list. Go for broke.

    Mr. Two-Timer will not change for you. But Mr. Devoted will. Best of luck!

  4. 4
    Peter

    The reason the sex isn’t good is because she never said she was devoted to him, only that he was devoted to her. After being with a guy who can’t commit, it’s a great ego boost to be with someone who adores you. However, that’s not the same as being in love with him. She never has been (and probably never will be) in love with Mr. Devoted. Time to go out and find Mr. Great in Bed Devoted forever.

    Sorry, no short-cuts in life.

  5. 5
    Loving Annie

    EMK is more optimistic than I am.

    I think if a man is mediocre in bed, it never or rarely gets better. It all boils down to chemistry.

    If a guy turns you on, he is teachable.

    Only you know whether you are physically attracted to this man – or just really appreciate him emotionally and intellectually.
    But if it’s the latter, you’ll end up hating him and cheating on him, and that sucks for both of you.

    The two-timer is a waste of your time despite his orgasmic skills. He’s a heartbreaker and an assclown and hopefully you won’t bastter your self-esteem and risk a disease by going back to him for my tying up and erotic spanking for being a bad girl (lol).

  6. 6
    Loving Annie

    oops, typo “my” had no place in the final sentence. Perhaps it was a freudian slip harking back to memories of an ex-assclown who was great in bed and nowhere else…

  7. 7
    Steve

    @Peter, post #4 , people have great sex with people who they are not devoted to.

  8. 8
    Steve

    Lisa;

    Whatever you do, no NOT talk to your current boyfriend about improving your shared sex life. Start phasing him out or dump him altogether. Go pursue your ex for sex. See if he will leave his new girlfriend, if so get back together all of the way with him.

    Oh wait………..you want to be happy…….never mind. Just do the exact opposite.

  9. 9
    JuJu

    mic,

    one of my worst sexual experiences was with the most handsome man I personally had sex with. The guy was an a**hole and couldn’t care less about my pleasure.

  10. 10
    Melody

    CHRISTINA!
    I agree with you, this has so much to do with the passion that drama illicts.
    It’s a classic case of ‘the chase’ that creates these dynamic sexual illusions (and trust me…they are mere illusions. Once you realize what a creep the ‘creeper’ really is, magically the attraction will fade. Been there done that honey!).

  11. 11
    Lisa

    Well an update on the Mr. Devoted…we broke up 2 weeks ago. Even though he was devoted, I just wasn’t in love with him. I kept asking myself why…on paper, he seems like the perfect guy for me. But the fact remained, I wasn’t in love.
    And Evan, I agree you have to tell your partner what you want in bed, if things aren’t going well. I finally did this with this man, even introducing a vibrator. And for the first time, sex was enjoyable with him. But things just went downhill from there. I think that did hurt his ego. But in his defense, this was a man who hadn’t been having sex for 10 yrs, being in a bad marriage for way too long.
    But anyways, I realized I was trying to be in love with this sweet man, but I just wasn’t ever going to be in love with him. So it’s over, and hopefully someday I’ll meet Mr. Wonderful, who is devoted, and I’m crazy about.
    Thanks Evan!

    1. 11.1
      Matt

      Do you want a nice guy or bad boy? You and every other woman on the planet needs to make up her damn mind already. 

  12. 12
    Beth

    Evan is right about the whole
    “you’ve got a far better shot of turning Mr. Devoted into Mr. Spank Me Harder than you do of turning Mr. Two-Timer With Another Girlfriend into Mr. Monogamous” thing. I was once in love with a guy. Then I found out that I was the “other woman”, not his only woman. NOT a fun thing to find out.

  13. 13
    JB

    Ya know what I always wonder ??? (And don’t take this personally Lisa) What makes every woman that says “he’s not good in bed” make them think that THEY themselves are GOOD IN BED ?? Isn’t possible that BOTH people can be awful lovers ?? Now granted, the term “good in bed” is an opinion that comes from the one who thinks the other one is NOT so. Why on earth would anyone stay with anyone for A YEAR if they weren’t happy sexually ??? I once dated a frigid woman in her 40′s and I finally had to tell her after 1 month and a couple of no chemistry sexual experiences that we weren’t “right for each other”.

  14. 14
    JuJu

    Lisa,

    may I possibly ask you to be more specific about why / how exactly the sex wasn’t good?

    JB,

    we have to agree on the definitions first. I would say, “good in bed” means the ability and the desire to please the other.

    I personally don’t understand why people don’t just start having sex with the question “what would you like / want?”

  15. 15
    Steve

    @Lisa, post #11.

    Thanks for filling us in. I ready your post as there were 3 things going on

    1. Mr. Devoted was not skillful bed.

    2. You did not find Mr. Devoted physically/sexually attractive

    3. You had no emotional connection with Mr. Devoted, no passion, no romance, not love.

    Is that about right?

    Did you bring the vibrator to bed the first time you talked to him about trying new things?

  16. 16
    Lance

    EMK, “mad skillz,” LOL!

    If you’re not attracted to a person, the sex will never be good no matter how skilled.

    @Lisa: Why is he a two-timer for sleeping with another chick? Were you in a dating phase, and if not, had you established an exclusive thing? When people are dating they are often sleeping with someone else. Happens all the time. I have to point this out, but Lisa never mentioned the bad boy was her BF. You can’t FORCE someone to be exclusive because you want them to have sex with you and only you, which is the impression I got from the letter.

    I get the whole communicating thing where the chick wants better sex and tries to teach her man how to give it, but I want to throw this out there: if you’re teaching your man about sex you’re likely emasculating him, as several people intimated.

    Also, why is the bad boy so good in bed? BECAUSE he sleeps with a lot of women…he’s got the experience, and more importantly, the attitude, that creates a strong sexual vibe. People, you can’t have it both ways. If you want the sexual master, you have to accept the fact that he’s giving his gifts to other women.

  17. 17
    Lisa

    JuJu

    With this man, the sex was always the same, over too quickly, and it was like he had no clue that there was anything to sex other than kissing and missionary position intercourse. And once he came, it was all over, without a thought to whether or not I was satisfied. (this is a man in his 40′s too)
    And to JB…you ask how do I know that I’m good in bed? One of my exes said I could do that for a living, it was so good. lol
    But really, anyone can be good in bed if you try new things, and you really care about pleasing your partner.
    Chemistry absolutely helps. With Mr. Wonderful, unfortunately it just wasn’t there for me. It was nice to be adored by someone, and I got caught up in that, but it couldn’t last if the feelings weren’t there for me also.
    And yes, I still can’t stop thinking about Mr. Two-timer. It’s pathetic, I know, but I definitely wouldn’t take him back. He was just an amazing guy. Great job, great body, smart, never boring, always interesting and fun to talk to. He was absolutely a 10. Unfortunately, I just wasn’t what he was looking for. Dating really is hard. We’re either getting hurt, or we’re hurting someone else. But I’m determined to keep trying until I find the right guy for me.

    1. 17.1
      Matt

      Do you think sex can only be great with a bad boy? You’re like every woman who claims she wants a nice guy but then dumps him for a jerk. Women like you make me sick. 

    2. 17.2
      Matt

      Do you think this devoted guy you were dating should kill himself since he is genetically inferior and will never be able to sexually satisfy a woman as well as a jerk? 

  18. 18
    Lisa

    Lance,
    He was a 2-timer because I had made it clear from the beginning that if we were sleeping together, it had to be an exclusive relationship. And he agreed.

  19. 19
    Lisa

    Peter, and Loving Annie…you are both exactly right. It was a great ego boost for me to have someone that devoted to me, but the chemistry just wasn’t there. I wasn’t in love with this man, and if I had stayed with him, I probably would have wanted to cheat on him later, which is something I’ve never done, and never will do. So it had to end.

  20. 20
    vino

    Um, how crazy is this situation? Lisa needs to:

    1. Get over the dude who cheated
    2. Cut Mr. Nice Guy loose for his freedom
    3. Seek therapy pronto (see #1)

    Every guy knows a nice guy who’s been screwed by someone like Lisa. Sorry, but it’s pretty likely nice guy will take it as a sign he’s inadequate if you try to ‘coach’ him in sex. And let’s face it, for Lisa, he is inadequate. Why try to change him? The problem here is Lisa…not nice guy. Lisa should go find bad boys & have some crazy hot monkey love, if that is a priority.

    Generally, the ‘nicer’ a person is of either sex, the less hot & crazy the sex is. Generally.

  21. 21
    JB

    Vino dude, lets give Lisa a little credit here. You can still be a nice guy and know how to and WANT give a woman an orgasm. It sounds like this “nice guy” didn’t know she was supposed to or care if she had one. Which brings me back to the point of he should of been gone months earlier and Lisa should of SHOWN him as well as told him what enjoyed and needed. That shouldn’t be hard for a woman who told me her “ex” said she could “do this for a living”. Bottom line is everyone has take some of thier own responsibility for thier fulfillment.

    As far as the “bad boy” being a “10″ ??? Big deal, he’s not YOUR 10.
    He’s EVERYONE’S 10 !!! …lol

  22. 22
    cinnamon

    “Generally, the nicer a person is of either sex, the less hot & crazy the sex is.”
    That sounds pretty depressing to me.

  23. 23
    Honey

    The idea that truly nice people all suck in bed is absolutely false. One of the hallmarks of being a nice person in a relationship is wanting to please the other person, and obviously nice people are capable of (and have higher motivation to) attain those skills.

    As far as the idea that a guy will feel emasculated by getting tips on how to please his partner better straight from the source (that partner), I think that is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. If you don’t want your sexual partner to be honest about what they want and you don’t want feedback about how you’re doing, you don’t deserve a sexual partner. It’s when you’re able to check your ego at the door and accept feedback from the other person that you know you can do the same thing, and get what you really want as well. It’s the whole point of sex.

    Obviously you don’t want to be making explicit comparisons to other people because that’s hurtful, but a suggestion of something to do differently or better? Bring it on. Everyone’s different, so just because you were your ex’s best lover ever doesn’t mean that what you learned is going to apply in your new relationship.

  24. 24
    Jennifer

    I think Lisa’s postings here have cleared up an ambiguity there may have been in the letter (and Lisa, you are a great sport for jumping into the fray). @ Vino, I would say she’s ‘over’ the ex, but if you haven’t had good sex in a while of course you’re gonna think about the last time you got it. Nothing she has said indicated a need for therapy. Lisa sounds like a very normal person undergoing the normal trials and tribulations of dating. It’ll all work out. Best of luck ot you Lisa.

  25. 25
    hunter

    Some women stay with men they are not in love with.

    Some women keep mr. devoted, and the bad boy. Women have been known to do this gracefully.

    So, whats the problem?…..hhhmmhh…LOL!..

  26. 26
    Lance

    @Lisa: Were you actually bf-gf? Or were you dating and you had the conversation about who is sleeping with who, and then he admitted that he had other girl(s) on the side?

    BTW, I support your decision to ditch the nice guy. Email me at lance@honeyandlance.com if you’re in the Orlando area. Please send pics.

    @Honey: Sure it’s sad, but honestly how many guys can check their egos at the door when it comes to lovemaking? Like 5%? And it’s not really ego, it’s insecurity about one’s lovemaking ability.

    Besides that, it’s hard to teach the dom-sub dynamic if that’s what you’re into, as most straight couples are. That dynamic is a HUGE component of what makes great sex, not just technical ability. For a guy, you have to grow into being dom, and much of that comes with maturity, attitude, and confidence; learning those core traits goes beyond sex tips from your partner.

    Just to give an example, say a chick says she likes to be spanked. You spank her, great. But what she REALLY is saying is she wants to be dominated and roughed up (a bit) during the entire sexual experience…she wants her little-girl-submissive fantasy fulfilled, and it takes more than butt spanking to do that. To play that role, you’ve got to be that type of man, and to be that type of man, you’ve got a lot of work to do in and out of the bedroom.

    All this sex talk is giving me a stiffy.

  27. 27
    Cathouse Teri

    If a woman is with a man who she’s not attracted to and continues to let him think she is (for a year?), I consider her to be just as duplicitous as the cheating fucker.

    Lisa, you don’t really seem to know what you want. That is no one’s fault but your own. Please don’t use nice guys as your guinea pigs to come to these conclusions. Stay away from relationships for a bit. Fuck all the bad boys you want, but make it clear you have no business in a relationship. You’ve got lots more work to do on yourself first.

  28. 28
    Honey

    @Lance, I understand that a lot of it comes down to dynamics, but if you’re really into the dom-sub thing, say, then you have NO BUSINESS dating a guy who’s not already projecting that into his life in and out of the bedroom.

    For heaven’s sake, that’s how you pick people you’re attracted to in the first place–you find a guy that you have chemistry with because of the way his personality/vibe/way of being ALREADY IS, and from then on we’re talking technique.

    And I still don’t get the ego/insecurity thing. Sex is so personal and individual I don’t understand why giving someone you a tip would EVER be construed as “you’re bad in bed.” What it really means is “what you’re doing may work for some people, but here is what works for ME.” If those kind of tips are not well received, that’s what makes that person “bad in bed.”

    For example, the BF hates to have his nipples touched. When we first started sleeping together, obviously I went for it because the majority of people like that. He said he didn’t. I wasn’t a bad lover for doing that, but if I’d CONTINUED to go for it after he said he didn’t like it, THEN I’d be a bad lover.

    Of course, this puts the onus on both people to communicate. If he hadn’t said anything, then he’d be thinking, “why doesn’t she just KNOW I hate this?” and I’d be wondering why he lost his hard-on every time I did it. Who’s the bad lover then?

  29. 29
    Steve

    Lisa;
    I would also like to thank you for being a good sport, following up, and answering our questions. Please ignore the dumbass comments from some of the other posters.

  30. 30
    Lisa

    Thanks Steve!
    And Jennifer! You are absolutely right. I’m just lusting over Mr Badboy because I haven’t had good sex in awhile.
    And Lance, sorry but I’m in Texas.
    And no I never said anything about S&M. Just normal “good” sex for me thank you.
    And in my defense, I may have mis-spoke when I said this had lasted a year. It’s just been since the beginning of this year.
    And we lived 30 mins away from each other, and both have kids, so it wasn’t like we were having sex every day, or even every week. And we only saw each other about once a week, so it took awhile to figure out how I really felt about this guy. (because sometimes it takes awhile to see who they really are) And it wasn’t just the sex problem that led to the break-up. Some people will just charm you, send you flowers, etc to win you over, and once the charm wears off…what are you left with.

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