I’m Disabled and Fear All Sexual Activity. Should I Go Forward with My Wedding and Let My Husband Find Sex Elsewhere?

I’m Disabled and Fear All Sexual Activity. Should I Go Forward with Wedding and Let My Husband Find Sex Elsewhere

I’m getting married this Halloween. I love my husband-to-be very much, we don’t live together yet and we will not be living together for a while as I’m finishing Grad School abroad. We have never had sex. He had lot of experiences before me. I’ve had just one experience, a really bad one where I was forced to have sex and it was more than ten years ago. I also have muscular dystrophy and I am already unable to walk. I’m confined to a wheelchair. Everything physical scares me more than I would like to admit. I have told him that I am prepared to have him look for sex outside our marriage as long as he loves me cause that’s everything I care about. He says that I don’t know what I’m saying. I don’t know how to say to him that I’m not joking and I don’t wanna have sex. Ever. I dread oral sex too everything sexual basically. I love kissing him. That’s all.

Now if I still were fifteen I’d say it’s normal. But I’m a 26 year old girl. I was ok before him. I was settling for a miserable loveless disabled existence, studying and getting as many college degrees I could get. Then I fell in love. I hate that I cannot give him what he deserves, I would love him in my life though. I am going to marry him and I will hope to find plausible excuses every time to avoid getting in bed with him. I presume and hope he will eventually get tired of trying and just cheat on me – only to have sex though. As long as I am his wife and he’s my husband for the rest of our lives.


I guess I just needed to write down what I’ve been thinking. I don’t suppose you can actually have something to say to me. I have faith everything that is happening to me it is exactly what’s supposed to be happening to me. I don’t want to-not-marry him. And he’s marrying me out of love indeed but should I just disappear break both his heart and mine only because I don’t wanna have sex?

Waiting in fear, silently crying for I feel a deep love for him.

Elizabeth

Every once in awhile, I’ll get a letter like this, which is so sad and so off-the-charts that it renders any sort of advice useless.

The original poster, Elizabeth, is, by now, already married to a man with whom she will never have sex and is already encouraging her new husband to commit infidelity (without falling in love, of course).

She didn’t write in for advice. She wrote to get her thoughts together and ended on the hopeful note that everything that is happening is happening for a reason. Sorry, but this atheist ain’t buying it.

This isn’t a matter of divine intervention. This is a series of highly questionable choices by two objectively confused people, which will most likely lead to a disastrous outcome.

This isn’t a matter of divine intervention. This is a series of highly questionable choices by two objectively confused people, which will most likely lead to a disastrous outcome.

The only way this DOESN’T lead to a disastrous outcome is if everything goes according to your script: Your husband is content never having sex with his own wife. He gets his sexual needs met elsewhere but has no emotional feelings towards the women he sleeps with for the rest of his life. He has no moral qualms about being a serial philanderer because his wife condones it. And the wife is completely secure and satisfied knowing that her husband is out fucking other women (but keeping things purely physical and not emotional.) That’s a LOT of variables and if I were a betting man, I would not bet on this being a happy and mutually satisfying marriage.

Which is exactly what you DON’T want to hear right after you got married.

Sorry about that.

I don’t know anything about your husband, but it sounds like you’re both operating from a place of fear and scarcity.

You’re marrying a man who loves you to avoid a “miserable loveless disabled existence.”

He’s willingly marrying a woman who is afraid of all things sexual and is unwilling to face her fears for the sake of her marriage.

Objectively, this is not the healthiest foundation for a relationship. So I don’t know what to tell you, Elizabeth. If he were asking me for advice, I’d tell him to find a wife who wants to have sex with him instead of one who doesn’t. There are plenty of them out there. But since it’s you asking for advice (sort of), I will tell you the one thing that’s within your control that can fix everything:

There’s only one person who has the sole power to make this relationship work and that’s you.

Get into therapy, face your fears of physical intimacy, and save your marriage.

All the other plans you have to avoid being in bed with your husband and pretending not to care when he has sex with other women while you’re at home?

That’s some alternate reality wishful thinking right there.

There’s only one person who has the sole power to make this relationship work and that’s you.

Please come back and let us know what you plan to do.

Oh, and congratulations on your nuptials. Marriage really is a wonderful institution.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Malika

    I wish I could say congratulations but, just like Evan, this sounds like a marriage that will make both parties very sad. Even with the best of intentions, it does not seem possible that either party can live up to the unrealistic expectations that are being placed on them.

    At the moment you might think that therapy is a lost cause, as you have a deep dislike for anything sexually intimate, only it doesn’t sound as hopeless as you think it does. You say you really like kissing him, so obviously there is not only the required chemistry between you but also that you are capable of the first step of physical intimacy. That’s a very good start! A good therapist would be able to help you further into exploring your sexual side. The therapy goes at your own pace, you will not be forced to do anything you don’t want to do. That therefore means it can take a while before you see progress, but it is feasible.

    I have been taking sessions with a sexologist for the past year and a half and that has been such a huge help. It’s not an easy process and miracles do not happen overnight. It has helped me relax and address the mixed feelings i had towards sex and within the past few weeks what seemed to be an unrealistic dream -the potential to have painless sexual intercourse- is very nearly becoming reality.

    Please think about visiting your GP for a referral to a sexologist. I am sure it could lead you to enjoying greater physical intimacy with your partner and not being afraid of falling in love with one of his sidepieces.

    1. 1.1
      Katie

      Elizabeth, listen to this girl and Callie below.  <3 hugs and kisses, lovie. Your story is soul crushing xoxoxoxo

  2. 2
    Callie

    The thing that gets to me the most about the letter aren’t the problems they will likely face in the marriage. It’s this: “I’ve had just one experience, a really bad one where I was forced to have sex…”

    This woman was sexually assaulted. Someone had sex with her without her consent. Already this woman has issues with sex due to her physical disability, but she has far greater scars because of this extremely horrible experience. Her one time experiencing “sex” (I put it in quotes because it was hardly that) was a traumatic one. Of course now sex is going to be absolutely the last thing she’s ever going to want to have, especially considering her added physical issues.

    So I really really hope, letter writer, you do seek out therapy. Not just for the sake of your marriage but for yourself. You need to talk through what happened to you and get beyond it so it isn’t controlling your life like this. You need to know that you are not to blame. You need to do this for your own sake. Don’t think of it as going to therapy in order to have sex with your husband (as right now I know that is the last thing you feel like doing). Think of it as going to therapy for your own health. It may turn out you truly at your core don’t like or want sex. And then you and your husband are going to have to deal with what that means. But right now you don’t really know what’s going on and you need help to figure it out. And you also need to get healthy. And feel good about yourself.

    Please take care of yourself.

  3. 3
    Dora

    I am sorry for her being forced to have sex- not nice thing,but…all the rest is so much CRAP…is so selfish and so immature and so controlling..and Not giving a damn what the husband /loved and loving/ thinks or wants..

    So, she is just saying straight up,that she Will be lying to her man day in and day out and will also push him hard to become something which he probably isn’t – cheater.. What a …crook .. What a revolting individual this woman is…If I was the man,I would dump her there and than.

    Look,woman – toughen up. Get over your BS excuses of that “so scary” experience – big deal.. someone stuck it into you.did not hurt you,did not kill you.. Many women- more that the reports show,being forced one way or another at some point to have sex in a way they do not like.. but we are all “Alive and kicking”..and not hypocrites or controlling witches with no regard for the other person..

    I was never “sorry” for disabled people who whine and cry like they are the centre of the world and everyone shall tip toe around their wishes,because..you see poor them, such a unfair life..Hey,life is pretty hard,for ALL of us, disability does Not give you any right to feel any superior in any way..

    Get over your own BS and be good devoted,loving wife, or… do this  man Huge favour and Free him up from your poison.. Because you can not even see,that he in fact is giving a lot more than you ever will- marrying an disabled..not only physically,but mentally as well…!!!!

    1. 3.1
      Katie

      “forced to have sex- not nice thing” ….that’s one way to put it I suppose.

      “Revolting individual” ?!?!? … Wow, wth. Why was this repulsive, judgmental, unfounded visceral attack of a comment even approved???

      “BS excuses” ?!?!?….Just what?

      “Hey,life is pretty hard,for ALL of us, disability does Not give you any right to feel any superior in any way..” ….. Clearly something has happened in your life to make you the person you are today. I suggest therapy to you and medication, because this comment is dumb and cruel.

       

    2. 3.2
      Erica

      “Get over your BS excuses of that “so scary” experience – big deal.. someone stuck it into you.did not hurt you,did not kill you.. ”

       

      This is extremely offensive and ignorant.

      1. 3.2.1
        SS

         

         

        While this comment might be severe, I could sort of see the person’s point.

         

        who whine and cry like they are the centre of the world and everyone shall tip toe around their wishes,because..you see poor them, such a unfair life..Hey,life is pretty hard,for ALL of us,”  True.  It is difficult for many people for many reasons.

        Get over your own BS and be good devoted,loving wife, or”  Hard pill to swallow, but kind of what EMK says. 

        So, she is just saying straight up,that she Will be lying to her man day in and day out and will also push him hard to become something which he probably isn’t – cheater.. What a …crook .. What a revolting individual this woman is…If I was the man,I would dump her there and than.”
        She is not being honest.  They aren’t dating.  They were married.  She is predicating the marriage on him being a cheater.  Something that hurts many people, influences the way that some people that solely blame and despise “the other woman” should change their viewpoint, and is overall unnecessary.  How would women (we) feel if a man later used his lack of sexual experiences in previous marriage to explain his harsh judgement of not putting out on a first date?  Abuse should not equal abuse.  The world is not sympathetic to anyone, although, it probably really REALLY should be.  (It really REALLY should be.)

        1. Erica

          What is offensive and ignorant is the poster’s comment trivializing rape and saying that being sexually assaulted is not a “big deal” and “did not hurt you.”

          As a former PTSD therapist who counseled both adult and child sexual assault survivors, I can say that being raped is indeed a “big deal” that does emotionally and physically “hurt you.”

        2. HH

          @Erica & all the others who protested so vocally against Dora’s H”big deal – he stuck it into you, he didn’t kill you” comment as “ignorant” and even “trivialising rape”:

          as a woman who actually has been raped, more than once,  not only do I understand Dora’s (admittedly harshly phrased) comment, but I agree with it wholeheartedly.

          He stuck a piece of his meat into me: that’s it. It wasn’t pleasant, it was extremely unpleasant, a terrifying and even painful experience, but THAT WAS IT. It is long over, passed, gone; it didn’t kill me, it didn’t maim me, and I will not – I will NOT – be held hostage to that event long gone, being defined by it. Nor will I allow any other woman (or man) to try and make me feel a victim at all costs. Yes, I most certainly was a victim… THEN. I was not a victim after it was over, I am not a victim of it now. There may have been some psychological damage – many things in life cause damage – but I am sure without a doubt that the damage would have been immeasurably greater had I remained stuck in that passing moment, however excruciating, and allowed my human dignity to be taken away from me – not by rape, but by reducing myself to lifelong victimhood.

          I don’t expect many people to understand my position, nor do I care if I do or don’t. Just don’t accuse those of us who refuse to wave the banner of victimhood of “trivialising rape”, if you please.

           

    3. 3.3
      Malika

      Hi Evan:

      Why was this comment approved? It is gravely insulting towards a woman who needs help, not hate-filled vitriol.

      @Dora: Revolting individual is a completely inappropiate way to address someone who has obviously gone through great trauma. I shouldn’t worry about people with disabilities feeling superior to everyone else, living in a society that still caters almost exclusively to the non-disabled and which can make people who have even the lightest handicap feel as if they are being supressed to the margins. I dearly hope that the op need never encounter such ignorant rantings as that which you have written in the above comment.

       

      1. 3.3.1
        Evan Marc Katz

        Comments are approved very quickly by my assistant. Our policy is to let people’s dissenting opinions stand and attempt to edit/block personal insults. Sometimes we miss a few. Remember, this is a free service I offer and is not the bulk of my business, which involves paid clients/products/coaching. Sorry we couldn’t be more perfect. We do the best we can.

        1. Malika

          You’re rather perfect as it is, so no need to apologize!

          I felt i would have been remiss not to say anything about this comment, i thought it crossed the line from dissenting, which i like (we all learn rather a lot from people who disagree with us) to unnecessarily vile.

          And a thank you to your assistant, who probably has to read way more agravating posts, than is good for him/her.

      2. 3.3.2
        Dora

        Open your minds,some of you – women….!!!

         

        my mom used to say – ( about how the world revolves..)-

        “lets help the idiots,because the good ones can help themselves”

        ” If you do not help yourself-alone- NO one else can help you”

        and I know for Sure one thing :

        If I do not move my arse,brain and hands – No one else would do anything for me ( not even God), good things do Not fall from the sky (unfortunately)..

        @ Erica and Malika – “trivialising rape…revolting individual..” – No Way to trivialise rape. The woman said “very bad experience..i was forced to have sex..” – this does Not imply rape at all, and for some “very bad” can be “not so bad” for others.

        Revolting individual – yes, Every individual who does Not give 5 cents about what the other person think ,feel and want – is in fact revolting and selfish and controlling, ignorant etc..

        Different people – different ways of doing things and also of Coping/overcoming things… Some can whine and cry for years at therapist office and  Not go ahead much..

        And Some – can get a good kick in the back side and “snap out” of their self absorbency ….Is also called – Tough Love.!!!

        So, do not misinterpret my GOOD meaning. Yes,is very harshly said,agree, but will not apologise for it to no one. Is about Acceptance as well…!!

         

        1. SparklingEmerald

          Dora said “The woman said “very bad experience..i was forced to have sex..” – this does Not imply rape at all,”

           

          Dora – You are right, this does not IMPLY rape, it is the very definition of rape.

          http://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/rape

           

          That being said, I found the OP’s letter to be quite unbelievable.  But I want to give the benefit of the doubt, but I just have a hard time wrapping my head around someone entering into a sexless marriage and giving the husband a cheat pass.

        2. Katie

          Stahp feeding the troll guiz. Dora’s loving the attention here.

        3. SparklingEmerald

          Katie is also most likely a male poster posing as a female rape apologist/denier/enabler.

           

        4. Adriana

          Sparkling- I immediately knew this “Dora” is a man . Most likely another MGTOW who needs a hug.

        5. Dora

          And How about that, stupids..?:

           I feel compelled to just remind women that even if 99% of rape claims are true, we have to be just as hypervigilant about protecting the 1% of men who are falsely accused. They, too are victims. And in the he said/she said dynamic that takes place after an accusation, there are only two people who really know what happened. The rest of us are just guessing and projecting what we want to be true.”

        6. Katie

          Clearly SparklingEmerald struggles with reading comprehension. I was the FIRST one to condemn Doras vile comments. Seriously, wth woman?

          Katie @ 3.1 :  Wow, wth. Why was this repulsive, judgmental, unfounded visceral attack of a comment even approved???

        7. SparklingEmerald

          Katie.  I am so sorry.  I meant to type DORA, as he is the obvious troll, rape apologist etc. and inadvertently typed your name instead. Please accept my apologies.

        8. Adreana

          Lets see rape enablers like “Dora” visit a prison and tell men who’ve been raped ” oh he just stuck it in there, no big deal get over it”.

          Perhaps then Mr. “tough” guy would learn to develop some empathy…

          This is why the “hated” “feminazies” will always be needed in the U.S despite all the progress we’ve made. It’s 2016, but the internet  exposes  a large group of people who think just like “Dora”. More than anything ,they wish they could go back to a time where they could take advantage of vulnerable women and get away with it.

          I’m done with this creep.

           

        9. Katie

          I heart you sparklingEmerald <3

        10. SparklingEmerald

          Hi Katie – Thanks 🙂   for the <3 !

        11. Dora

          And How about that, stupids..?: This is what EVAN said in one of his posts on the matter.,not me..”:::
          “””” I feel compelled to just remind women that even if 99% of rape claims are true, we have to be just as hypervigilant about protecting the 1% of men who are falsely accused. They, too are victims. And in the he said/she said dynamic that takes place after an accusation, there are only two people who really know what happened. The rest of us are just guessing and projecting what we want to be true.”””

          Also, go call troll your mothers or sisters.. I am a Woman, for sure, just that I have Brains,Logic,understanding and fairness… Not like you all.. And I also have Open mind.

        12. GoWiththeFlow

          “Dora” said, “. . .I am a Woman, for sure, just that I have Brains,Logic,understanding and fairness… Not like you all.. And I also have Open mind.”

          Oh, we’ve seen almost that exact same line here before!

          Let me guess:  You live in a small Eastern European country where the women stay slim and cater to their men.

          Dora sounds exactly like Theodora, who is really Ted, a red-pill swallowing American man with a fantasy fetish for Eastern European woman.

           

  4. 4
    GoWiththeFlow

    Wow!!!  Sitting here with my mouth hanging open and my eyes wide open. . . I can’t even comprehend how this train wreck started in motion.  BOTH of these people needed intensive counseling BEFORE they even contemplated entering into a relationship.  It would be a miracle if this marriage worked out.

    1. 4.1
      Adrian

      Hi GoWithTheFlow,

      1). Why do you believe that she wanted to get married?

      2). Why do women want to get married?

      …   …   …

      I always thought women viewed married as the ultimate proof of a man’s commitment to her and the relationship? Is that not why women can be dating a great guy who does everything for her and treats her right but if he just wants to continue living together and not get married she leaves him?… for no other reason, not because of anything he did to her, not because he suddenly became a bad person, but simply because he does not want to get married.

      I never understood this, marriage is just a piece of paper why leave a good relationship because a guy didn’t want to marry you? What is different between the married couple and the couple who are just living together?

      …   …   …

      This is why the original poster’s actions confuse me. Why marry a man who you will encourage to be with others? Spending time with someone that you NEVER have sex with and who you know is “actively” having sex with others is what I would call just a friend.

      So I ask why do you think she wanted marriage with this guy instead of just remaining close friends?

      What does marriage mean to women if she can marry someone but encourage him to cheat?

      Her actions make me rethink what I thought I understood about why women want to get married so badly.

      1. 4.1.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        Adrian,

        “Why do you believe that she wanted to get married?”

        I think Evan nailed the OP’s reasoning when he said she was operating out of “fear and scarcity.”  She mentioned that before she met her fiancé, she had settled “. . . for a miserable loveless disabled existence. . .”  It sounds like she is very afraid of being alone, yet her fear, and it sounds like revulsion, of sexual activity is a huge barrier to her having a true loving relationship with a man.

        “Her actions make me rethink what I thought I understood about why women want to get married so badly.”

        DO NOT extrapolate the OP’s beliefs and behavior to other women.  This is so not normal.  To tell the man you love before you marry that you don’t want to have sex and he can’t get it elsewhere is bizarre.  For many women, being single is hardly sexual nirvana.  It can involve long stretches of celibacy  and periods of high anticipation getting to know someone and then. . . things are a bust in the bedroom.  Regular quality sex with a man we love who is also our favorite person in the whole world would be a dream come true.

        As far as the OP’s disability goes I can’t tell you how many women patients I have had who have chronic pain from rheumatoid arthritis, osteoporosis, lupus, and other debilitating conditions who immediately after gynecological or urological surgery, as soon as they’re awake, want to know when they can have sex.  My arm-chair psychology opinion is that the sexual assault the OP suffered is what is behind her revulsion to sex.  Her disability however, is the hook she is hanging this trauma on.  It’s just too hard to admit how much damage the assault did and work to heal it.  I hope the OP gets into counseling to deal with this issue ASAP.

        “Why do women want to get married?”

        I can’t speak for all women under all circumstances, but getting married is part of the total package American dream.  It’s about having a best friend, lover, and partner through the journey of life.  For many women this also includes having children and raising them together.  Then having grandchildren and being able to enjoy your retirement years together.

        You’re probably too young to remember the show Newhart, with Bob Newhart, the second go around set in Vermont.  There was a character who was getting married and had a terrible case of cold feet.  He finally made it to the altar and his vow was “I take you to be my lawful wedded wife, as long as we both shall think this is a good thing.”  To me that’s what living together is:  Keeping the escape route wide open because you don’t trust or are not willing to be there for better or for worse, only for the better part.

        As far as “the piece of paper” goes, there are still important legal benefits that  marriage has.  The right to inherit directly, being the legal beneficiary for social security and pension benefits, being able to be on your spouse’s insurance, medical decision making.  Some of those things play out in a huge way.

        As for your question in #5 about why people think the fiance/husband needs counseling.  I go back to THIS IS NOT NORMAL!  They have not had sex up until now, not for religious or moral convictions, but because the OP is repulsed by the idea of sex.  The vast majority of women in the U.S. believe that sex is an integral part of a loving, intimate, long term relationship.  In fact, I’d guess a lot of us wouldn’t buy the cow until we’ve tasted the dairy products.  Why does this man not believe what his girlfriend saying, when what she is saying is consistent with her behavior?  She does not ever plan on having sex with him.  He is being self-destructively blind and deaf.

        1. CaliforniaGirl

          Honestly, I have a feeling that he married her for something or he is as well disabled, physically or mentally or both. This story is too unbelievable, sorry.

      2. 4.1.2
        Just Saying

        Easy answer. Marriage means commitment and commitment means true love. The kind of deep, enduring love that women fantasies about, the ultimate kind of love that transcends all. What I don’t understand is why he wants to get married.

        1. KK

          Ok, Chance,

          Marriage minded man who loves, adores, and respects women??

        2. Chance

          Again, KK, you’re falling into binary thinking again.  There is a middle ground.

        3. KK

          Lol. That’s the response I expected. I’m honestly just curious. Quite a few of your comments have a “MGTOW feel” to them. I know you’ve stated before you only comment to give a man’s (in actuality, your own) perspective and you’ve stated only women under 25 are worth courting. So, just out of curiosity, what is your take on marriage? From your earlier comment, is it only for suckers? Or is it something you would consider if you could get a younger woman?

        4. Chance

          @KK, I’d marry someone who doesn’t feel the need to constantly heckle people who say things she doesn’t like.  I’d also marry someone who doesn’t remind me of Sarah Palin.

        5. KK

          Lol. Nice deflection. I was just confused by your anti-marriage, anti over 25 yr old female comments. I certainly wouldn’t see any purpose of going on a male dating blog to tell them women get the raw end of the deal in marriage and that by the way, all you guys over 25 aren’t worth marrying anyway. Lol. Seems a tad trolllish. That’s just me though. Oh… and Sarah Palin.

        6. Chance

          No one made any “anti-over-25 yo” comments, KK.  This will be my last comment to you.

        7. KK

          You did, Chance. Not on this thread but awhile back. You said women over 25 don’t deserve to be courted.

        8. Chance

          *sigh/eye roll*   Okay, I’ll bite.  We’ve gone round and round on this.  I said that the case for courtship breaks down in situations when one is dating an older woman when one considers the purpose of courtship throughout American history.  “Deserve” has nothing to do with it, and this doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not older women make for good long-term mates (my partner is several years older than me).  Also, I never referred to 25 as being the cutoff for courtship.  You’re making that up until you are able to provide a direct quote.

           

           

          Finally, I’ve noticed that you and SE have a really, really hard time accurately interpreting what people say here when it’s something you don’t like.  I’m sure your reading comprehension skills are above at least a third-grade level so I am assuming that you just turn into emotional debaters when someone says something that triggers your insecurities.  Most self-respecting men will have little tolerance for this so try to work on that if you want to be in a relationship that lasts.  Take care.

        9. KK

          Chance,

          You jumped in on another conversation recently re. a response of mine to Adrian. I replied to you multiple times re. the fact you weren’t even on topic. So much for reading comprehension… Emotional? Re- read what you just wrote. Lol. If I or SE or anyone else disagrees with someone, it must be our insecurities?? Again, lol at you Chance. If you get your oil changed and get over charged, don’t you dare complain because your insecurities are showing. Logical! Very logical! Oh, and no self-respecting man will want me. Yes, Chance, you are very unemotional (snark).

        10. SparklingEmerald

          Chance. I don’t need your relationship advice as I am engaged to a WONDERFUL man who adores me.  And I know you won’t believe this, but I love him for what is in his heart and mind, not for any “provisioning” he can provide.  So, just because you and I disagree, doesn’t mean I am a terrible partner and need to take advice from a man who really does not appear to like women at all.

           

      3. 4.1.3
        Chance

        GWTF and Just Saying, the only commitment that is made when two people marry is that of financial provisioning from the higher-earning spouse to the lower-earning spouse (the husband 77% of the time according to a 2011 Pew study on BLS data).  The rest are just promises that can be broken at any time just like with an LTR.

        1. KK

          MGTOW?

        2. Chance

          Try again.

        3. SparklingEmerald

          Chance

          @KK, I’d marry someone who doesn’t feel the need to constantly heckle people who say things she doesn’t like.  I’d also marry someone who doesn’t remind me of Sarah Palin.

          *********************

          OK, I thought you were in a great relationship, with a woman who met all of your financial requirements (does she put at least 20,000 aside for her retirement ?)

          So if you relationship is so great, why aren’t you marrying her ?  Does she remind you of Sarah Palin or does she “constantly heckle” people who say things she doesn’t like ?

          Any btw Chance, you are only trolling this board to heckle women.  You even said you are here to “fight back”.  Since this is a blog for women, and I’m sure this blog didn’t come up to you and start a fight with you, you are only here to pick fights with women.  You shouldn’t be surprised when women respond to your unfounded comments that most women are careless spenders and demand provisioning from men.

        4. KK

          Go to search bar, enter: courting. Go to blog post titled, “Women who make the first move online…….”

          Comment #1, Chance:

          “This appears to be another example of cherry-picking customs to suit our needs.  If you’re not willing/able to have children and willing/able to stay home to raise them, then courtship isn’t really in order.  For older women, it is perfectly acceptable to call/plan/pay, and in fact, hypocritical to refuse to do so”.

        5. Chance

          Thanks for trying, KK, but you still haven’t shown where I said anyone “over 25 isn’t deserving” of courtship.  My stance on that thread is the same as what I said here in the comment above.  The rest you are making up.  I appreciate the time you have spent on this, however.  I’m sincerely flattered.  It’s obvious that you’re quite insecure that your ability to attract men is waning in relation to younger women because you’ve continually, over the past nine months or so, brought up those comments that I made a while back.  There is plenty that 40-something women have to offer:  kindness, intelligence, accumulated wealth due to years of fiscal responsibility that can be pooled with a man who is similarly responsible, etc.  Learn to improve those aspects of yourself and you won’t have to worry about competition from younger women.

        6. KK

          Chance,

          I posted that to show I was wrong about you stating a specific age, but right about your negative view of women over a certain age, which you refused to specify when asked directly (much like a politician). As for being flattered, I’m glad you are, but it was quite easy to find since I remembered the subject matter and yours was the very first comment.

          I know it gives you tingles to insult me, but I have no desire to “compete” with younger women. I like men my own age, thank you, and not douche bags that lust after women their daughter’s age. Furthermore, I don’t think ANY woman of ANY age would approve of what you said. We don’t have an expiration date. And yes, I did remember that because it was so ignorant it was hard to believe anyone actually thought that way. As for the last part of your statement, you’re just trying to hide the fact you’ve already stated those women are not deserving of courtship. Word it how you want in a pathetic attempt to sound PC, but it’s what you’ve said. And I wasn’t the only one to question it. Karmic Equation and several others did as well. So are we ALL insecure or are we ALL just pointing out that what you said was ignorant?  The latter. And since you feel comfortable doling out relationship advice to anyone who disagrees with you, here’s some for you: You come across very feminine and whiny. If you ever hope to get a real woman, you might want to look into that.

           

           

        7. Chance

          KK, hope you had a great Thanksgiving.  What kind of spread did you prepare for your kids?

           

          All men lust after very young women so all men are douche bags, then.

        8. KK

          Me and the other ‘womynz’ prepared quite the feast for the men and children. We just “cherry picked” from the traditional items that suited out fancies and did away with others.

        9. SparklingEmerald

          Me and the other ‘womynz’ prepared quite the feast for the men and children. We just “cherry picked” from the traditional items that suited out fancies and did away with others.

           

          Good one KK !

      4. 4.1.4
        SparklingEmerald

        Adrian – Please don’t even take this letter into consideration in your quest to understand women !  If this letter is even real, it is so far outside of the norm, to be of no consequence, to most people looking to partner up with someone for marriage and/or co-habitation.

        That would be like a woman taking Elliot Rodgers into consideration when making dating decisions.

         

  5. 5
    Adrian

    I don’t understand why people are including the guy when they speak about needing counseling.

    He is just a guy in love, the same as almost every comment or letter we get on this site. He loves her, he believes that she is NOT serious about the no sex ever thing because of the intense make-out sessions. He thinks she is just scared and if he is patient and kind enough she will trust him enough to have sex.

    He needs to find another woman but as Evan said they are most likely married now. People in love always believe that love is the answer; love will conquer all. But from reading her letter you see that some people can’t be reached even with love.

    1. 5.1
      SS

       

       

      “I don’t understand why people are including the guy when they speak about needing counseling.”

      A married man going out side of the relationship for sex doesn’t solve much of anything.  He should see that he has needs before a marriage.  so that later in life if he isn’t happy he isn’t taking that out on something else.  This isn’t the point of the letter, and it might not have much to do with it, but I don’t think that women ever benefit from sleeping with a married or taken man.  And, women don’t benefit from being led on by some cheap f–k.

      This kid in 15+ years or so after it doesn’t work out with whomever:  “Oh my gosh, the woman didn’t sleep with me on first date, going to be like ex.”  UHHHHH  (Massive eye roll.)  Blame yourself, man child, you’ll get further that way.

    2. 5.2
      Just Saying

      Adrian,you may be right about this guy and his motives had he been Brought up in conservative christian environmental. But according to OP, he has had quite a bit of experience. Her romantic payoff is that while he is away having sex with other women, he only loves her and will return to her, and puts her above all his other women. I am not sure what his “payoff” is. If he wants to coax her gently into a sexual relationship as you suggested, he could have done so without marriage.

  6. 6
    Mrs Happy

    I suspect he has his own sexual issues. Maybe it suits him to have a wife with an absent libido. He has been able to tolerate it in his girlfriend and fiancee, after all.

    (Adrian, I wouldn’t characterise kissing as an “intense make out session”.)
    Not everyone has a desire for sex. Marriages can work under lots of different circumstances. There are a lot of asexual people in the population, and some of them are married.

    Sex is just one part of a marriage. For some people it is not the most important part.

    If I were her I’d not try a variety of “plausible excuses” to avoid sex, I’d tell him the truth.

    1. 6.1
      Stacy2

      What Mrs Happy said ^^

      This is a match made in heaven. No sexually healthy young man would go through with this marriage, heck they wouldn’t even stick around to date a woman who doesn’t sleep with them. Unless of course these two are members of some strict religious group – but the OP doesn’t mention anything about it.

  7. 7
    Stacy

    A relationship without sex is a friendship…period. While I am terribly sorry you were hurt, it is counterproductive to intend to remain married to someone who you aren’t willing to be fully intimate with.  Both of you will eventually be miserable.  And it’s a tall order to expect a man you are married to to randomly have sex with different people without it getting really, really messy at some point – all the while, you are to remain the non jealous, understanding spouse. This will all end badly. I agree with Evan.

    1. 7.1
      ScottH

      You might be right but the terms of their marriage are up to them.  Hopefully they’ve considered all of the aspects.

      1. 7.1.1
        GoWiththeFlow

        Hi Scott,

        Elizabeth stated that she has told him that she doesn’t want sex and it’s okay with her if he seeks sex outside of their relationship.  He tells her “don’t say things like that”  She then says she has no idea how to tell him that this isn’t “a joke.”   It sounds as if they are totally failing to communicate, and he is in denial about what his fiancé is willing to do sexually after the marriage.

        This doesn’t sound like either of them will be happy here 🙁

         

        1. ScottH

          Hi GWTF- My comment was more in response to the one above about a relationship without sex being just a friendship.  if that works for both parties, then good for them.

          In the case of the letter writer, I agree that the marriage is based on a very shaky foundation.  This statement spells short term doom and gloom: I will hope to find plausible excuses every time to avoid getting in bed with him. I presume and hope he will eventually get tired of trying and just cheat on me – only to have sex though”    

          This marriage is not based on honest communication and understanding.  He who lives on hope dies of starvation.

  8. 8
    John

    First off I’d like to say my heart goes out to Elizabeth.

    I also am grateful that Evan lets all opinions land in his comments section. We are all adults and we don’t need safe spaces. This is an uncomfortable subject and not everyone can be graceful with it.

    I had a girlfriend several years ago who was sexually abused by family members when she was young. She wasn’t physically disabled, but she was sexually disabled. She just could not have a normal sexual relationship because she was abused. She went to counseling, but she just couldn’t get past her trauma.

    I decided ultimately to leave the relationship because I could not be in a relationship that was sexually dysfunctional. I had compassion for and wished her well. With that said, I couldn’t cheat myself out of a a complete relationship and I resisted the temptation to try to rescue her. It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make in my entire life.

    I really wish Elizabeth the best of luck.

  9. 9
    Just Saying

    Another aspect to this which no one has yet to bring up is the issue of children. Even if OP ended up having sex with her husband, she is unlikely to be in a position to have children and to care for them. If her husband to be is OK with this now, there is a strong likelihood he will change his mind later – unless he already has kids and don’t want more. Countless women have learnt this. Lesson the hard way – giving up their wishes for a family to comply with their husbands, only to have their husbands change their minds and leave to have children with younger women still able to give them kids.

  10. 10
    jojo

    “I’d tell him to find a wife who wants to have sex with him instead of one who doesn’t. There are plenty of them out there.”

    This strikes me as unkind and unnecessary. While I agree this is not an ideal situation for a marriage, is there any need to be callous towards someone who is clearly suffering? Where is the compassion for what sounds like an incredibly difficult and sad issue?

    And who are you to “tell him to find a wife who wants to have sex”? Being married/in a relationship does not automatically entitle you to sex, and you could easily marry someone with apparently no sexual issues only to run into trouble further down the line. And then what? Toss them aside because you deserve better? This seems a very self-centred way of looking at things.

    I appreciate you also advised the writer to seek therapy, but I wish you had focused more on this and looking at what can be done to improve things, rather than basically saying she is worth less as a partner because she has a problem with sex.

  11. 11
    judy

    I reckon that the lady has to be upfront and seek counselling about her sexual fears.  For me, this marriage could work.

    He sounds like a decent guy too.

    When she gets over her fears, including maybe her fear of not being “up to it” because of her physical problems, that marriage could be great.

    Because he did not say yes to sex outside of the marriage.  He sounds respectful and kind..

  12. 12
    Sum Guy

    Communication is the key here.  Sounds like there is trust but nevertheless fear, perfectly understandable fear, on the part of the OP Elizabeth.

    Elizabeth, I hope you confide in him as you did Evan.  I’m guessing he will understand and that together you can work it out.  There may not be too much to work out between the two of you, he may be OK with what you propose.  Yet I cant help thinking if you can overcome trauma you’ve been put through by the assault, and trust that when there is someone who truly loves you, that the sexual activity can be good.

    Why deny yourself the opportunity for what can be a most wonderful human experience, especially between a husband and wife who love each other.  Don’t let the scum who assaulted you, or capricious fate that bestowed upon you MD, keep you from this.  If you can wake up and face MD and go to grad school, you have reserves of inner strength that can get you through this.  A journey you can take with someone there beside you who loves you.

    I guess I’m not as much as an atheist as Evan, as I do believe some things happen for a reason, maybe the reason he is in your life is to help you heal your soul and be able to enjoy sex one day.  Yes it will be a major journey and take bravery on your part to overcome this fear, yet with him by your side.

  13. 13
    BTU Queen

    Evan, thank you for responding to Elizabeth’s desperate call for help.  You are wise beyond your years. If she doesn’t know a therapist in her area she could always start with her physician, either a family physician, her neurologist or gynecologist, whichever one she’s most comfortable with.  They can help her find the right resources.

  14. 14
    Marissa Chaseau

    Congrats on your marriage. Sex is important in marriage and I think your past has scarred you . however you can think it over hence try the maybe have sex with your husband . I get that its hard for you but try

  15. 15
    LW

    It sounds like this woman needs to be very, very honest with her partner before they get married about the reality of her situation, as it seems like he doesn’t really believe her or doesn’t really “get it” when she talks about not wanting sex after marriage at all. It sounds like she needs therapy to work through her trauma, but realistically even with therapy it could be years before she is comfortable with doing anything sexual (if ever). She may also be primarily asexual, in which case no amount of therapy is going to change her basic orientation.

    It might actually be helpful for this woman and her partner to do some reading about mixed orientation relationships between people who are asexual and allosexual, to get an idea of how to navigate these challenges and what expectations would be realistic.

    Also, I do think polyamorous and non-monogamous relationships can work. I know a number of people in this situation who are happy and have great relationships. However, it’s certainly not for everyone,  and it usually works best when both people want to be polyamorous (rather than just one person seeking sex/romance outside the primary partnership). It’s also often easier when both people already have multiple partners start a committed non-monogamous relationship, rather than trying to “open up” a relationship that has previously been monogamous.

    Also, using polyamory to “fix” a problematic relationship is usually doomed to fail, because polyamory requires an exceptional level of transparency, honesty and clear communication to work well. Since this woman is not being 100% honest with her partner right now, and her husband isn’t really listening or believing what she says, it spells trouble for their future.

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