I’m Pregnant and My Husband Is No Longer Interested in Sex With Me.

I’m Pregnant and My Husband Is No Longer Interested in Sex With Me.

My husband and I haven’t had intercourse lately because I am pregnant and he’s afraid it will hurt the baby. He didn’t have a problem with it from the beginning to the 6th month. I continuously give him hints and touch him playfully everyday, but he still refuses to have sex. I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch and he understands that, but he likes to sneak back in later when I am asleep and cuddle up with me. Okay, I admit, not having sex for a while is getting to me cause I am still young and virile. So last night I went to bed naked thinking he would cuddle up again and perhaps have sex, but no, he didn’t. Anyway, I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me. I don’t know if I should be angry or forget about it. I know it hurts my feelings though that he chose to masturbate to other girls instead of having the real thing with me… Right now, I just don’t know how to get over it. Because of his actions, I feel that i am not attractive to him anymore. Any advice? -Hannah

Oh, Hannah. You sound very young.

And because you’re very young, it seems that there a number of things that you need to be taught about men that older women have already figured out themselves.

So let’s start from the beginning.

1. Your husband is afraid that having sex will hurt the baby.

The fear is normal, if a bit overstated. The reaction to this fear is ridiculous. Have you heard of Google? I just Googled “does sex hurt the baby?”

Here’s what the Mayo Clinic had to say:

“Your developing baby is protected by the amniotic fluid in your uterus, as well as the strong muscles of the uterus itself. Sexual activity won’t affect your baby.”

Until you start communicating like an adult couple, your sexual problems are likely to continue.

Now that we’ve quickly dispelled that myth, your husband doesn’t have any excuse.

Of course, it’s not as simple as that. Because your husband’s lack of desire to have sex is not really about hurting the baby. In fact, it may start with:

2. “I like to sleep alone so I make him sleep on the couch.”


You expect your husband to feel warm, amorous and affectionate towards you when you treat him like a slacker houseguest in his own home?

You say “he understands that”, but I certainly don’t.

Tell your husband how you feel, ask him how he feels and get on the same page about your sex life.

And until you start communicating like an adult couple, your sexual problems are likely to continue. Ask him how he feels sleeping on the couch. Does it make him feel closer to you? Does it make him resentful? Does it impede the spontaneity of sex, given that he’s in a different room? I think the answers will be revealing.

3. “I caught him masturbating to Girls Gone Wild and it hurt me.”

More magic from Google: “how often do married men masturbate?”

Says one study, “Of the 647 who replied, 84% said they had masturbated in the three last months. While this may seem high, it is in line with other sources.”

So, given that the vast majority of married men still masturbate, given that you make him sleep on the couch, given that he’s worried he’s going to stab the baby in the head with his monster penis, and given that you’re six months pregnant, it doesn’t seem to be much of a surprise that he’s taking matters into his own hands.

The real surprise? “Girls Gone Wild”. Seriously? A cheesy, late-90’s VHS with college girls drunkenly flashing the camera? THIS turns him on? All I can conclude is that you guys don’t have a high-speed internet connection, otherwise this is the most disturbing development of all.

Finally, Hannah, a non-snarky paragraph from the aforementioned Mayo Clinic. I think it will lend some perspective to how normal your predicament is:

“You can have sex as often as you like — but you might not always want to. At first, hormonal fluctuations, fatigue and nausea might sap your sexual desire. As your pregnancy progresses, weight gain, back pain and other symptoms might further dampen your enthusiasm for sex. Your emotions might take a toll on your sex drive, too.

Concerns about how pregnancy or the baby will change your relationship with your partner might weigh heavily on your mind — even while you’re eagerly anticipating the addition to your family. Fears about sexual activity harming the baby or anxiety about childbirth might team up to sap your sex drive. Changes in your self-image might play a role as well, especially as your pregnancy progresses.”

In other words, this is normal, normal, normal.

Tell your husband how you feel, ask him how he feels and get on the same page about your sex life.

Once you know his thoughts on sleeping on the couch, pregnancy sex, and Girls Gone Wild, you’ll be able to move past them together.

And really, try using Google. It’s pretty incredible.

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  1. 61

    Ruby @61
    Other men may like the natural look but I have to be honest that my husband and the men I dated prior to him all liked it clean shaven. No guy ever asked me to keep it natural but plenty asked me to keep it off. Also in talking to my girlfriends who are single, they all say the same thing- the guys they are with all prefer the shaved look. These guys supposedly brought up the topic when they became intimate not when they first met. So anecdotally, I have to agree that most men prefer this by a longshot. If you dont prefer to keep it that way that is your business but you are fooling yourself if you think that John and most guys dont pay attention to that.
    And I do think that his comments earlier were not offensive and he was pointing out a way for a woman to somewhat level the playing field if she finds her man watching too much porn. I bet if a girl was natural and then she shaved it out of the blue, he would notice.

  2. 62

    Kathleen 59,
    Even though I used a quote from a previous post my post wasn’t directed at anyone or anything personal.  I was trying to convey that everyone is free to go about attracting the opposite sex in their own way.  And that sometimes we can be hypocritical in the sense that we don’t want to do something such as working out and keeping a very toned and muscular physique (just as an example) but we expect our partner do exactly that.
    Those “freaks” are doing just as you said – trying to make you their fantasy or fetish or whatever.  Not cool and I don’t endorse it.  They should be interested in how you personally present yourself first and foremost.  There are certain physical attributes I would love to have in the women I date but I have never nor will I ever ask a date, especially one I barely know, to wear or do something specific.  I want to be attracted to a woman’s own style and the way she her carries herself.  Moreover, that would be an attempt to control the whims of another person which is not possible.
    Admittedly, one of the frustrations I’ve experienced in dating post-divorce is the fitness-level of my dating pool.  I have become attracted to more muscular-looking (not as big as female bodybuilders) women in the last few years.  But my idea of muscle and the idea of 99% of the women I meet are not in line.  That is to say I like a little more muscle on women than most if not all of the women I date have.  They may workout but they stick to mainly cardio and don’t do resistance training as much as I would like.  There’s absolutely nothing I can do about it so I have to accept that my idea of fitness is not in-line with MOST of the women I date.
    Sooo, I will fantasize about fitness models and women but I will bring myself down to reality and date and try and forge relationships with women who have at least an acceptable level of fitness to me but not in-line with what I really wish for.  It’s Ok, we can’t have it all.  I would never tell a women that she needs to hit the gym and make her triceps pop a little more before our first date.

  3. 63

    To me it sounded like john was offering an idea to women who felt like they may not ‘measure up’ to or be as ‘desireable’ as a porn star. Like the letter writer.

  4. 64

    Yep “different strokes fur different folks”. I, at 52 yrs old personally love the “hair down there” but it’s not a deal breaker for me as it is for most of the younger guys I work with who have grown up in an era where the “bush” has only even been seen in “vintage’ porn. I tell any woman I’m seeing to keep it if they have it or grow it if they don’t. Some comply and some let it go in one ear and out the other. I in turn would have no problem with THEM (not me) shaving and waxing my entire body if that’s what they wanted as long they did what I wanted. It doesn’t matter to me what my body looks like hairy or not. That’s fair right? 🙂

    1. 64.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Was pretty sure this post was about communication between a married and pregnant couple, not about pubic hair standards. Amazing how we go off here, isn’t it?

  5. 65

    Suzanne #64
    I’ve dated plenty of men, and have never received such a comment or request. A few have told me they like the natural look, but as has been mentioned, it may well be a generational thing, as I’m over 50. Men in my age range (like JB) seem to have different preferences.
    However, I would agree with EMK that the LW’s problems have little, if anything,  to do with her body hair.
    David T #56
    Awesome post. I wasn’t going to weigh in on the porn debate, but if I ask myself if this would be a career I would envision for anyone I personally cared about, it isn’t.

  6. 66
    Some other guy

    @Evan #68 – From monster penis to pubic hair, this thread delivers 🙂

  7. 67

    @ Evan # 68: Maybe the wife stopped shaving when she got knocked up? 🙂
    Anyway, if shaving is too much of a bother for you, laser is no longer that expensive.  If you shop well, you can get it done for under $500.  And yes, I walk the walk.

  8. 68

    I certainly appreciate that this thread has been allowed to run its curly, bristly course, even though it looks like team Bush and team Sleek are deadlocked like sparkly vampires battling werewolves

  9. 69

    Just one more comment on pubes Evan.
    Sarahrahrah! # 50
    Your reaction to John’s comment was ridiculously ott. He merely stated what turns him on; he didn’t issue an edict demanding women groom themselves according to his standards. If you like sporting a fine bush that’s your business, but if I went back with a woman and found Don King snuggling between her thighs there’s no way I’ll be coming back for seconds. I won’t go f*** myself though, I’ll just go find some other woman who keeps things nice and tidy.
    Sorry, but I just don’t get women like you – why do you come here to find out how men think, and then abuse them when they say how they think?
    Ruby # 69
    I wasn’t going to weigh in on the porn debate either because ultimately it’s pointless. The porn debate was fought – and lost by the anti-porn side – 30 years ago so it’s around to stay whether we like it or not. The issue isn’t whether you would envision porn as a career for someone you care about, the issue is with women (like Hannah) who have a problem with their partners masturbating to it. 
    As David T explained, most men do it – and will continue to do so regardless of what anyone thinks – so women who have a problem with that should confine themselves to the small minority who don’t because as Evan keeps saying, you can’t change men so don’t bother trying.

  10. 70
    David T

    @Joe And yes, I walk the walk.
    What walk?  You mean bowlegged for a day or so?
    @Evan68 Was pretty sure this post was about communication between a married and pregnant couple
    I was wondering when the referee would step with a delay of game call.  I had to hit the porn topic because that is an important issue that I think we as a society are far too casual about (which is why making its use a deal breaker can be a significant hit to the dating pool.)
    Back to the OP’s letter, it isn’t clear why Husband sleeps on the couch.  Could be for lots of reasons, though I doubt it is something he is completely OK with, because if this was a long term agreement/need  (like Wife being a light sleeper)  they would have  a better solution in place like a day bed or a freekin’ air mattress on the floor.  Most couches suck. This is new or a topic the couple have not completely communicated on.
    Likewise, given the wide knowledge that sex in pregnancy is safe,  Husband is using a reason other than reality to explain his lack of desire. Could be he doesn’t know himself why, but fact is something is going on there he has not shared with her.  Likewise, she is not directly making her needs known to him.  Hannah doesn’t feel attractive to him and is sad?  Tell him that! And remember that he is coming back to bed to cuddle with her.   She may be sexually frustrated, but he clearly is not repulsed.
    Lots of non-communication is taking place at least in the last month or so of the OPs marriage.  This will (and already is) leading to dissatisfaction and friction. Maybe this is short term and they will move forward after a few unhappy days or weeks.  If this communication style is the general tone of the whole marriage, they are doomed to being very unhappy long term if they do not work to rectify.
    Somewhat Aside: I want to hit some of conclusions folks are making in the space left by the paucity of information in the OP’s letter.  Jenna#6 why is someone that young married to an old man ( in relative terms )?
    The only hard fact we have alluding to the OPs age is that  she is pregnant, probably naturally since there was no backstory about getting it (speculative).  So we know she is between 13 and 46.  Evan speculated that she” sounds young,” but she could just be inexperienced/insecure so maybe that is why she is “young” in your mind, but you really don’t know.
    Where did old man come from?  Because he likes Girls Gone Wild? I checked IMDB. Last one came out in 2003.  Suppose he cut his masturbating teeth on that at the age of 12-15? That would explain why he has a soft spot (ermm… hard?) for it 10 years later.  He could well be early to mid-20s. She could easily be older!
    Don’t mean to pick on you Jenna. Lots of folks are speculating and saying  “I don’t know but maybe this is going on and therefore that”  Speculatively coming to conclusions about missing facts and then using that as a basis for evaluation will naturally lead any discussion down many dirt paths. (and this same behavior within a relationship can lead to false accusations, fights and breakups!)  In this discussion, we found our way to the ethics and use of porn and since most agree it is OK we are talking about the boundaries surrounding wanting partners to be more porn like. I wonder if Evan is fuming with annoyance or shaking his head and chuckling. 

    (EMK shakes his head and chuckles)

  11. 71

    I’m sorry for not responding to your concern first instead of commenting on a tangential issue.
    That must be a frustrating situation you’re in.  I can remember when I was pregnant at your stage and was so horny.  That’s one of the fun aspects of being pregnant, isn’t it?  
    However, it must hurt to feel like your husband isn’t responding to you sexually.  Unlike the other commenters, I would advise you to hold off on communicating your sexual frustration to your husband right away.  Here’s why:  your husband clearly is bonded to you if he is coming into your bed at night to cuddle with you.  That is a very good sign.  If he found you repulsive or something, he wouldn’t be doing that.  Also, as Evan alluded to regarding watching GGW, I would tend to agree that he probably isn’t into porn much at all if he can watch that when there is much “harder” stuff available on the internet.  This tells me that his sexual ideal is probably based on you since you have been his primary partner for awhile.  
    Given that that is the case, I want you to put yourself in his shoes for a minute.  Your body has changed radically in the past six months.  It is a gorgeous, juicy, fertile beautiful body, but it is not the same one that he has been conditioned to be aroused by since you guys have been together.  He might have had some trouble getting his body aroused at some point and is now freaked out about that.  Men will often avoid the possibility of impotence by just withdrawing because they consider it highly embarrassing and shameful. 
    I encourage you to do something like this:  get naked, crawl into bed, pull the covers up to just under your breasts and then play with your nipples while having a nice, stress-free conversation with him.  Tell him that you need to roughen them up for breastfeeding.  If you notice that he gets distracted by this, ask him if he wants to help and tell him that him that licking them would be most helpful, you know, to prepare them.  I can almost guarantee that this will get him turned on.  If he needs a little help getting or staying aroused, manually stimulate him; turn off the lights. get on top of him and ride that bus to “O” town.   It’ll probably be a quick journey.  😉 
    After you break the ice, this will likely help get him over his problem of having sex with you at this stage of your pregnancy.  Then you can talk about other issues, how seeing him with the GGW thing made you feel, sleeping arrangements, etc.  However, I really think that if you can help him get over this mental block he is having right now, he will love you all the more.  Remember, you are a juicy, fertile, hot mama who has an abundance of love to give, especially to the man with whom you’ve chosen to share your life and start a family.
    I wish you much joy and peace as you approach the birth of your dear little baby!

  12. 72

    @ Evan #68,
    I think I also know a bit more about my fellow readers than I ever wanted to 😀

  13. 73
    David T

    @sarahrahrah 75
    Wow. That is considerate, clever AND sexy! Your significant other is/will be a lucky lucky man.  (This thread does have it all!)

  14. 74

    @ David T: no need for walking around bowlegged.  It doesn’t hurt but for a short while.  But feel free to let my biases outweigh your own.

  15. 75

    Evolutionary perspective on watching porn and masturbation:

  16. 76

    What an interesting thread.  Pretty much everything has been covered, including (most importantly), the OP’s initial question about her H’s sexual reluctance in light of her pregnant state.   So just a few things to add:
    1) I have never had a problem with my partners masturbating to porn.  Heck, I do it too.  And with some partners I have done it with them.   But one long-term partner (now an Ex) really surprised me in a good way, by sharing that he does use porn when we are not together, but he likes to find women who resemble me and have my body type.  He said it made him feel more like he was masturbating to images of me, rather than strangers. I don’t even know if it’s true, but I thought it was kind of sweet of him.  🙂
    2) Like most women of my generation, I go hairless.  I have tried waxing (twice) but found it barbaric and needlessly painful.  So I shave.  One recent partner surveyed my shaved state, and casually asked if I had ever waxed or if I would consider doing so.   I told him of my experience, and said I’d be happy to do it again if he came along and got his genitals waxed too.  That was the last time he mentioned it.  LOL  (He is now and Ex, too… for unrelated reasons).

  17. 77

    Karl, I’d gladly choose sex over television. Any ol’ day of the week.

  18. 78

    Hey Evan I just found your site and I really like it.
    But I am a bit troubled by this porn thing. Can you at least agree that a man should be sensitive to his woman’s feelings if she’s upset that he’s looking at other girl’s pussies? Personally I tell my boyfriends to keep their porn in the attic while we’re together. 
    I’m wondering if it would be cool with you if you were to find your girlfriend masturbating to hunky guys in a Playgirl. Maybe guys that were different looking than you, and perhaps with much bigger penises?
    I don’t know maybe you honestly wouldn’t mind, it’s just been my experience that men can be incredibly hypocritical.  

    1. 78.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @RH – A man should be sensitive to his wife’s feelings. And a wife should understand that a man who looks at porn on occasion is 100% normal and that she should not feel remotely threatened.

      As far as your question about my wife and a Playgirl, I couldn’t tell you how I’d react, but I’d like to think that I’m not a hypocrite. Furthermore, I think it’s pretty well established that more men turn to porn for stimulus than women, so I don’t think the two are equivalent exactly.

  19. 79

    I really respect David T’s philosophy on porn and other abuses 56. It sounds like that is your contribution to making the world a better place.
    Those of you interested in the impact porn has on the porn workers, watch “After the Porn”. It’s a documentary interviewing the men and women porn stars. It was depressing and sad. Many of these individuals have no skills, have come from difficult or abusive families and have little other options. They speak of how they were traumatized before entering the porn industry and then re-traumatized by their treatment during. Those that want to leave the industry have a difficult time for various reasons but one of the main one is that their past continues to haunt them. People recognize them, jobs won’t hire them, charities won’t accept their donations and their children don’t want them going to their sporting events (in case they are recognized).

  20. 80

    I was reading Dan Savage’s column this weekend, and his advice included what is, IMHO, a good answer to my question about what do you do when there are relationships issues surrounding the use of pornography, and I thought I’d share it with y’all:
    “Ask your boyfriend to be discreet and limit his porn consumption to an extent where you are unlikely to uncover any evidence of it, as porn upsets you.  If your new boyfriend manages to do that for you, SAD, if he’s considerate enough to cover his tracks, you should be considerate enough to turn a blind eye on those rare occasions when you do stumble over evidence that your new boyfriend watches porn – just like your old boyfriend and all your future boyfriends will.”
    (Note: SAD is the acronym he used for the letter writer who called herself “Sad and Naive.”)
    That seems to me to be a reasonable compromise that takes into consideration both of their feelings on the subject.

  21. 81

    I don’t think anyone has mentioned that there’s probably an innate biological component to this man’s lack of interest with his 6+ month pregnant wife. Why would a man have a biological drive to have sex with a woman who’s pregnant?  In fact, he may have a very strong drive not to have sex with her because from a biological point of view.  It’s not that he doesn’t love her or that she’s unattractive.  Pregnant women actually are pretty attractive.  People like to look at them.  If a husband knows his pregnant wife wants sex and will feel ugly and unloved without it, why on earth wouldn’t he just have sex with her?  It’s probably because every bone in his body is telling him “no”.
    Yes, there are plenty of stories out there of men who were so turned on by their pregnant wives and couldn’t get enough sex.  That’s not the norm, it’s just that people are more likely to share stories like that instead of “my husband won’t touch me”, although there are lots of stories like that too, it’s probably underrepresented. 
    Yeah, I know she kicked him out of bed.  My interpretation was that this is because she’s in her 3rd trimester and is really uncomfortable and for whatever reason, having her own bed to fall asleep in helps.  Sleeping is very difficult while pregnant and women do all sorts of things to get comfortable.  I think this is what she meant when she said he understands why she doesn’t want to share a bed.  She seemed fine with him coming in after she falls asleep, which seems weird, unless you consider that she, as a very pregnant lady, has developed this need to have lots of space to fall asleep.

  22. 82

    Evan, you’re normally a polite writer in a balanced and honest way, but I gotta say, this response sounded unnecessarily condescending.  You start off by saying “she sounds young” and you mean that in a negative way.  I don’t know, the only thing about her question that sounded young was the part where she literally said she’s young.  She’s a little naiive because she doesn’t realize how common pregnancy-sex issues are.  Maybe the masturbation/porn issue made her sound young, but there are plenty of not young women who would respond in the same way.
    You shamed her by saying this won’t get better unless she talks with her husband like an adult about their sex problems.  I didn’t get the impression that they didn’t talk about it.  She said he says it’s because he’s afraid it’ll hurt the baby.  I got the impression that she has made it clear to him that she still wants to have sex.  Just because now, after they’ve both stated their views, she drops hints and flirts doesn’t mean they didn’t talk about it openly like adults.  I see nothing wrong with what she’s doing.  She’s trying to spark some desire in him and give him an opportunity, without demanding sex.  It seems “adult-like” to me.  She’s not pouting.  She is upset, but she’s actively trying to fix this in a positive manner.
    You kept telling her to “google” as if she’s stupid and has completely wasted your time.  I think you could give that same response to most women who write you.  There aren’t many issues that haven’t been addressed on the internet.  Also, your last piece of “non-snarky” advice from the Mayo Clinic website wasn’t at all relevant to her problem.  The Mayo piece addressed women who don’t want sex, are uncomfortable with their bodies, afraid they’ll hurt the baby, are tired, nauseous, physically uncomfortable, have low sex drive, are worried about childbrith.  That’s the exact opposite of this woman’s problem.  You googled and copy/pasted text which 100% irrelevant… really, don’t try to argue it’s relevant just because it talks about pregnant women and not wanting to have sex.  The Mayo article talks about women not wanting sex.  This lady’s problem is that her husband doesn’t want sex.  VERY different issue.  I’d consider that bit of advice an “epic fail”, especially from an advice blogger for women who very sarcastically suggested this women try googling.
    I don’t know why this woman’s question got under your skin.  I think you zeroed in on “woman kicks husband out of bed” and “women freaks out about porn” without giving them enough consideration. I think it’s silly when women are hurt by their husbands masturbating, but in this situation it’s a little understandable since he’s not supplementing sex, he won’t have sex with her at all right now.  She didn’t explain her sleeping situation very well.  I’d be surprised if her husband resented her for asking him to sleep on the couch.  Most pregnant women change their sleeping arrangement in some way.  If she literally can’t fall asleep without space due to advanced pregnancy, do you really think he resents giving her that space?  He obviously misses her since he sneaks back in, but I don’t he resents her and her pregnancy quirks which she can’t control.
    Maybe you just shouldn’t have answered her.  I like your blog, but this is the worst response I’ve seen from you.  It was snippy, narrow-minded, and immature (you kinda acknowledged the attitude problem with your “non-snarky” comment)… and you had the nerve to accuse her of not being “adult” enough.

    1. 82.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Sarah – You have your interpretation of events, which absolve the OP of any responsibility.

      I have another interpretation of events. I suspect my version is closer to the truth. She doesn’t say, “Now that I’m pregnant, I like to sleep alone”. She says, “I like to sleep alone”. You’re willfully misinterpreting that to make it sound like the husband should be copacetic with this arrangement.

      You can quibble with my “epic fail”, but it really doesn’t change my advice. Her husband isn’t feeling close to her because he’s sleeping alone. His excuse is “I’m afraid I’ll hurt the baby”. As a couple, she needs to educate him and puncture a hole in his made-up reason, so that they can communicate as adults about what’s really going on – the sleeping arrangements, her body changing, whatever.

      Your “gotcha” email is way more snarky than anything I wrote, and I feel your criticism was far more destructive (insulting me) than constructive (helping the original poster solve her dilemma).

    2. 82.2

      I agree, Sarah.  His response was a little ridiculous.  There are different possible scenarios we’re left hanging with when reading this letter.  So we can speculate, and each speculation requires a different response.  For instance, if her husband is sleeping on the couch sometimes BECAUSE she is pregnant, and not indefinitely, then it’s rather understandable.  Pregnant women have trouble sleeping, maybe he’s a snorer, maybe he sleeps like a rock and doesn’t mind. Not to mention, he ultimately does come back to bed, which refutes Evan’s argument of him not feeling close to her. Furthermore, couples have sex at any time during the course of a day (not just in bed at night).  Hannah has already requested more sex, and his excuse doesn’t hold water.

      Evan assumes that Hannah thinks her husband never watches porn, and finally just caught him in the act.  I beg to differ – it seems to me that she’s upset because he chooses to masturbate (to other naked women) instead of sleeping with his ready, willing, and desperately horny wife.  

      Seems to me as if something else is going on.  Maybe he no longer finds her attractive.  Maybe he’s starting to see her as the “motherly” role that he no loner wishes to bang.  I don’t know.  But Evan, your response sucked because you placed the entire blame on this poor girl, when all she wants is to make love to her baby’s father.

      I’m surprised no one else called him out on this.  Epic fail, Evan. Way to place blame where blame is not due, and to be a total jerk about it (“Do you know what Google is?”). Come on, you sound like a condescending douche.  

  23. 83

    Evan, I am usually on board with your advice but your response to the OP sounds as though you woke up on the wrong side of the bed the day you wrote it.  Do you really believe her feelings have something to do with youth and immaturity??  I guarantee you that the majority of pregnant women, regardless of age, are going to feel diminished if their husbands refuse sex with them and then are caught masturbating.  Logically it’s easy to say “this doesn’t have anything to do with me” but emotionally that realization is not so easy to grasp.  You touch on the subject of female hormones during pregnancy, but in a way that I don’t feel is relevant to this topic.  The OP said nothing about a loss of her own sex drive so that kind of seems like a dig on your part.  Anyway, hormones combined with a changing body can cause insecurity, low self-esteem, and paranoia.  Research has proven this to be the case in fact.   Like I said before, I usually enjoy the advice you give and I think you are usually spot-on.  I have no idea what this particular response was about or why you answered the way you did.  :/ 

  24. 84

    Evan, you missed the point of her question. I’ve been using google (as you suggest) to find the same answers the asker was seeking and found these answers from you. My husband and I have been married 7 years, have a 2 year old together and am 6 months pregnant. My husband and myself both masturbate – neither of us has ever had an issue with it, and we have a healthy sexy life, even after kids. The difference is, now he masturbates daily in the shower instead of having sex with me, which was nearly every morning (at least) – the question rather – is why does he choose to masturbate more often when I’m pregnant? He did the same thing when I was pregnant the first time around. We both know it can’t hurt the baby, so then why does he do it? Does he find me unattractive now? Or despite knowing it can’t hurt the baby, he still has a bad feeling about it? Instead of answers, I found you condescending this woman.  I’ll continue my google search. 

  25. 85

    While skimming the comments, I gotta say damn there are some women too darn insecure when it comes to porn. Maybe becos I’ve never really felt physically inferior to the porn actresses I see–I have small boobs though but they’re perky and I otherwise conform almost 100% to the classically ‘perfect’ figure–or maybe because I’m quite liberal-minded, but I have no problem if my bf or future husband masturbates to porn. And I hope that when I get older and don’t look so good, I’ll still have no insecurity when it comes to porn. It’s a turn on, even I get turned on by it. We Are animals, on some level, after all.
    Seriously, women have to stop seeing attractive women as enemies and threats. Otherwise u’re always going to be miserable.
    I learnt something new today–I didn’t know that most men who masturbate did that while watching porn. Somehow I thought they just did that without an extra stimulation, I mean, isn’t the touching enough to turn a person on? :O lol

  26. 86

    I too am very wary of the perpetuation of pornography as an educational tool, as a lot of porn shows sex as something a man “does” to a woman, and many of these things cause physical discomfort to the woman.

    I think many men fail to recognise degradation in porn, as oftentimes it’s subtle. I’m not saying they shouldn’t watch it/get excited by it – all I could ask is that they recognised it, and not try to re-enact those things with a woman they claim to love (unless she is eager to do it also).

    I would expect a boyfriend or husband to watch porn, and it would only be a problem for me if it interfered with our sex life, and he attempted to make me re-enact activities/positions that were degrading, as I said above

    Also I’m very worried that I will marry a man who finds me unattractive whilst pregnant….  I don’t know how I would navigate that really. But I’ll deal with this if/when it happens! 

  27. 87

    I also have gotten the cold shoulder while pregnant. Three times over nine months is what I counted. I hear the excuse all the time of “it will hurt the baby” and “it’s normal for men to feel like this”, what about how we women feel. Not only is our self esteem affected by our growing bellies and swelling faces and feet, but our own boyfriend make us feel like we’re no longer good enough!!! I’ve cried many tears but I’m done now. If I’m left feeling like a single mother then I might as well be one. If I’m not good enough while pregnant, then why would I be good enough once I drop the baby weight?

  28. 88

    Whoever wrote this post don’t let these a**holes get to you. You came here to seek help. I know touching yourself is normal but if he can take a break from you then he can take a break from watching other men put it in another lady. I am pregnant also at thirty six
    weeks and there has been a minute since my husband and I really connected like that and back when I first found out we were going to be parents the internet was his best friend but he saw how much it hurt me and made me feel more insecure then I already was and he stopped (for all of you twats out there yeah you can really know if they stop so bite your tongue on that). I am coming to find though that it’s normal for it to get like this in pregnancy (not the porn but the sex) and it does make us feel like krap but if he’s willing to stop with the internet maybe give him more slack. Also while it may not sound like the most normal situations don’t listen to people saying you’re weird and it’s unacceptable for him to sleep on the couch because ALL pregnancies are different!! I’d try and get comfortable with him in bed but it really is not that uncommon for that to happen in pregnancies. Good luck.

  29. 89

    My fiancee and I have been together for five years and are expecting our first child. I have stretch marks from Hell. Super swollen! And am convinced he isn’t attracted to me even though he still gets perfectly going anytime I want. 

    But I noticed the controversy over masturbation. My fiancee and I met in Highschool, I was never into self pleasure and neither was he. Now that we live together and are together almost 24/7 I trust he doesn’t watch porn and hasn’t since we’ve been together. Our sex life is AMAZING I was never able to orgasm until I met him. So just because he doesn’t enjoy masturbatiom doesn’t mean sex will be boring if his drive is low etc. He’s just really loyal and really great in bed and I seriously lucked out! I’m a genius with computers. I can see everything that’s beenndeleted and can even see his phones history without going on it. He told me he’d be offended if I masturbated to porn and so I like to believe we have that mutual understanding. 

    I just hate how women and men always go out of their way to make people feel bad and try to convince them that their partner is lying and no good etc. Like, I’m sorry the men you guys found were pigs and can’t control themselves but you don’t have to convince everyone else that they are on the same boat as you. Enjoy your disappointment by yourself.

    Some people really just care and respect their partner. Deal with it. 

  30. 90

    the real reason why he won’t bang you out is because pregnant women are unattractive.. having a preggo fetish is very uncommon.. after you have the baby, make sure you lose the weight fast and he’ll be balls deep inside you before you know it..

    what i am saying is the absolute truth so don’t be offended

    1. 90.1

      How dare you say that we need to lose weight as soon as the baby come, wtf is wrong with some people?!

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