Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?

Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? –Sexually Deprived Female

While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…

And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.

Is sex something worth breaking up over?

You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.

Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover – otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.

The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.

It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.

See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.

His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.

It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.

People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.

Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.

Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”

And that’s where sex is really no different than any other dealbreaker: height, weight, age, education, income, sense of humor, geography, kids, blahblahbah. People who are looking to get married must realize that you don’t get EVERY SINGLE quality you’re looking for in a partner, but if you get most of them, you’re a very lucky person. My wife and I have similar libidos – closer to your boyfriend, for what it’s worth – so this is one thing that we didn’t have to compromise on. But we did compromise on religion, politics, geography, education, and a host of other things. This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

If you are insistent upon your partner having any quality that may be somewhat extreme – a man with a PhD (3%), a man who is a millionaire (4%), a man who runs marathons (.1%), etc – you are CHOOSING to limit your dating pool. There’s no judgment on you; but it will, by definition, take you a lot longer to find love.

One final point that you seem to have missed is this: you feeling lonely and rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex is YOUR decision. He’s still your boyfriend. He’s still attracted to you. He still sleeps with you. He just has a different biological makeup. It’s like being a chef who gets angry that his patrons don’t want to eat at 1pm after he just fed them a big lunch at 12pm. You can’t take this personally.

So once that’s off your head – and you stop judging him and judging yourself because you’re different, ask yourself: can I find happiness with this man or is sex important enough that I will continue searching for the man who a) can give it to me every night and b) also has all of the wonderful qualities of your current boyfriend.

You’re not wrong whichever way you choose, but it’s clear that the path of accepting your normal boyfriend is a surer route to a healthy relationship than blowing things up for a random guy with an equally high sex drive and keeping your fingers crossed that you’ll also love him VERY, VERY much.

Unless YOU don’t think so, in which case, I wish you the best of luck.

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  1. 1
    my honest answer

    Anything is worth breaking up over if it’s important to you. So all that matters is whether she can live, happily, with this level of sex. It’s a simple yes or no question for me.

    1. 1.1

      I love your reponses!

  2. 2

    The age of the couple involved was not mentioned.   Maybe there is a medical issue to be resolved?  Vigorous weight training can increase testosterone and libido.  So can improved nutrition.   So can injecting some variety( change of look, venue, etc ).  IMO if the partner is not willing to try these things then there is a a problem.
    Like EMK said, guys with high libidos are common, so maybe you can find a guy with a high libido who has at least several of the other qualities you like in your BF.

    1. 2.1

      If men with high libidos are easy to find, why do I keep getting stuck with duds?  married over 20 years to one, 10 years with the second one, I know people who have more sex in 1 year than I’ve had in the last 20 years.
      most recent relationship haven’t had sex in 1.5 years now, I may be older, but I’m not dead yet.  that is why I left my marriage, and why I am thinking about walking away again, sex is important to me, and I have learned that this issue never gets any better, it is a deal breaker for me. 

      1. 2.1.1

        I am so relieved to hear women complain about getting no play. I thought it was women with low libidos. I’m less confused after reading some of the comments.   I feel like rotting fruit. My wife gives me no attention. She loves me but I don’t feel appreciated in the ways I need to.  I always keep my self clean and am in great shape. I could understand why some women don’t feel attracted to their husbands. Most are out of shape and have given up with beer bellies. I’ve given my wife some of my best years and can garuntee that I won’t get sex this year. I have sex once a year or two for the last eight years. I’m so sad;(

        1. Lupita

          See that really sucks its also hard not to take personal

        2. mj

          Wow, dude that’s really depressing…I’m sorr!!! Im in a similar situation, my bf and i only have sex once a week!!!! I want it everyday or atleast 3-4 times a week but no. He sais its cause he’s tired from going to gym nd working nights, but i do the same work nd workout in the mornings plus im a mom. I still want it a lot more than once a week….im also so saddd!!! :'(

        3. Lostinlalaland

          Ross I feel the same. I feel like I work out I look good dress well smell nice cook clean take care of his laundry our kids the least I could get is some nookie. I feel like madge sex is a deal breaker for me that I have had several affairs to get sex but I’m too much of a coward to leave. I would love sex everyday anywhere anytime. Especially if my man loves me and appreciated me. I get neither. I thought all the above makes for an awesome wife. I guess I’m wrong.

        4. Alejandro

          Divorce your wife,if you are in great shape and if you get sex once a year that is not worth the staying in that marriage.

        5. Marci

          I have the same issue.  My husband is very overweight and over 50.  It makes me feel unloved, unwanted, etc.  I don’t agree with it, but can almost understand why people look elsewhere. Very sad.

      2. 2.1.2

        I spent the last 9 years with a good guy works hard that’s care of me .but sex is 4 times a month and half of the time sucks because he lazy we fright over was very unsatisfied and started hateing sex my self.then I started wanting to cheat, then I said fuck it am leaving him we don’t connect, we are not sister and brothers you my men.I have needs its not being for filled ,am not single now and meet a guy we have sex a lot he good to me but not as good as the guy I was with as far as spoiling me but am happier

        1. carlee

          sorry for annoying you..i had the same problem with my husband …i spent 2 year with also is 4 times a month..but in the beginning of marriage we did more…but i still with him till now, i want continue with you but may not interested …

      3. 2.1.3

        Maybe you need to be really honest with the soon to be husband about the importance of sex in your life. You can also try to fix things with your current husband, Viagra could be a solution.

      4. 2.1.4

        EXACTLY! Where on earth does she get this idea from that men with high libidos are so easy to find!? It’s way way WAY easier to find marriage material than to find a man who wants you every night! If the writer has an endless pool of highly sexed men she better start sharing details, because in my experience, they simply don’t exist!

        1. Elizabeth

          I hate to say this but really. Men are way stressed out. They are the ones most likely to have heart attacks. Why not give them oral it helps get them in the mood. When was the last time miss grouchy pants made the effort to make his fav. meal? It’s an emotional thing. Spend too much $? Money is a massive stressor to can’t expect them to preform if you are not doing their share. Sex is not about sex is the spotlight on other things wrong in the relationship.Maybe having a kid waking up every night is an issue. You have to look at the bigger issue and leaving only makes a bigger mess. It’s the little things that turn men on. Being demanding like a boss is another duty he has to perform. You perform first. Buy the reasonable priced nightie wear the perfume you wore on your first date. Look hot when he comes in the door. Put make up on just for him. Love is supposed to be unconditional not based if your screaming and having sweaty hot sex every night. If you are selfish in other parts of the relationship men don’t want to sleep with stingy girls. They want a girl to go all out for them. If you can’t do that you don’t deserve sex. Treat your man like a King he will do anything for you. If he is not then you might be doing something wrong. 

      5. 2.1.5

        All of you people complaining that you only get some once a month need to realize that there are plenty of us out here who haven’t been with someone in years, even a decade, or more.
        So quit whining.
        They say that every cell in the human body is replaced every seven years — so 3 years ago I became a virgin again…

    2. 2.2

      I honestly believe that the idea that men have a high libido is a concept that came about merely a result of the difficulty of women to openly talk about or express their sexual energy without being looked down upon in the past. Men have been able to talk about their sex lives without fear of being called a whore for a long time, so they get all the credit for apparently having a stronger sex drive, while  women can still be  looked down upon for embracing their sexuality. It is one sided to assume one gender has a higher libido than the other and quite frankly there is no way to completely prove such theories anyways.

  3. 3

    6-9 times a month?! That is normal/average for most long term couples, and pretty darn good for parents of young children. If she said they rarely had sex i would agree they may not be compatible. I’d suggest she look a little deeper into herself, there may be more going on for her it sounds to me like frequency is not the real issue.

    1. 3.1

      Right? This lady is a freaking barracuda. My issue, which is why I found this article, is that we hardly have any intimacy at all, and we’re both male. I feel like a crotchety old man, “MY old lady blah blah blah.” lol

    2. 3.2

      Lily you are being unfair. Just because you don’t have a high sex drive, doesn’t mean this poor woman isn’t feeling rejected when her boyfriend isn’t interested in sex when she is. Once a week may be fine for you but don’t assume every other woman is the same

      1. 3.2.1

        I actually am in the same boat. I want sex more often than my husband but I actually agree that I’m being selfish. It took me years of whining to get that.

        If he doesn’t have the urge for sex with me, I should still be grateful he does have sex once a month.  I work (he doesn’t which may contribute to him not feeling up to sex), I work out at the gym (which may make him feel less attractive – he does have a pot belly but I still find him hot because of our years together) and mostly he’s an adorable kind man who is a wonderful father to our daughters which is the hottest thing to most women, he also does the dishes occasionally too. Consider what he’s going through before taking it personally. It must be hard on him (pardon the pun lol) to get it up for me since I had a rocking teenagers body. It’s not a personal issue. It’s just their libido.

        We had a mismatched libido when we were teenagers (when we got together  I always wanted to makeout and he didn’t). I use my hands every night before bed and it fixes the problem. I also seek out intimacy often by hugging him and playing up to him.

        Maybe you are after connection not sex. It took me years to figure that one out.

  4. 4

    I think someone who is such great husband material would recognize the importance of this issue and  try to find ways to try to satisfy her without sacrificing himself. A simple ‘i don’t feel like it so it’s not happening’ isn’t a good problem-solving model for a couple, no matter what the problem is.

    1. 4.1

      that is so true Jennifer, it is a very selfish decision on his part.

  5. 5

    As Steve said, medical or psychological tests might be in order, but if her boyfriend isn’t interested in working on this, it will only get worse. First, rule out the obvious causes: low testosterone level, medications the boyfriend is taking, alcohol abuse. Couples therapy may be in order. I’m also wondering how old they are, and if the boyfriend has always been this way. After 3 years together, sex is only going to get less and less frequent over time. And yes, I’ve known couples who have broken up over this issue – in two of the cases, one of the partners turned out to be gay. It’s not just the physical act of sex that is missing, it’s the physical closeness, bonding, and intimacy. 

  6. 6

    If my boyfriend wanted to break up with me because my libido wasn’t as high as his, I’d be heartbroken.  I would hope he would find some way to talk to me about it that would let me know how important it is to him, instead of just breaking it off with me.  It sounds like she has had multiple discussions with him about this, but maybe he doesn’t know just how serious it is for her.  Maybe if he knew she was considering ending the relationship, he would be more willing to compromise and find a way for their sex life to be mutually satisfying.  It would be a shame to end a good thing over something like this, that’s a lot of time and emotion invested, I would try my best to make it work. 

  7. 7
    Saint Stephen

    Buy a vibrator. Sex isn’t everything in a relationship.

    1. 7.1

      that does not work! You can masterbate all day, but it leaves you wanting more from your partner in the end. The vibe is not the same as sex.

      1. 7.1.1

        Vibrators are rubbish when it is actual sex with a warm, loving human being that is lacking. Yeah you get an orgasm but it leaves you feeling cold and empty and sad because it is not about the orgasm it is about the intimacy.

    2. 7.2

      It may not be every thing, but is truly important to those of us living.  

    3. 7.3

      To me its pretty important. Especially since he isn’t even trying to help her by working on it. 

  8. 8

    ‘Course you could always turn the situation around and stop having sex with him altogether. Just take care of yourself as often as you need to. Bet you’d have an interesting conversation after that. Find some middle ground in between your two positions.

  9. 9

    Here is the honest answer…….It may not sound all nice and pretty but this is it:

    She did not mention their ages and that is a huge factor so I will give 2 answers based on age.  If she is a female that is already in her mid 30’s and they are planning on getting engaged and she wants kids, she should stick with him.  He has wonderful qualities that would make for a great husband and she does not have the time to risk the break up and finding another person IF kids are important!  Fertility drops for a woman at 35!

    However, if she is in her 20’s (or even 30 aprox) and has the time, she should LEAVE!!!!  Seriously, sex IS important.  It is obv very important to her or she would not have written the letter.  Leave and find someone that rocks your world in the bedroom and makes you feel hot and desired!!!!  And he can also be a nice guy :)  Compromise is necessary (as Evan says) but don’t compromise on the sex.  It does not sound like you want to and I don’t think you should. 

    Unfortunately women do have to think about their age which is why I gave 2 different answers.

    Good luck!!!

    1. 9.1
      Tomos Jones

      I totally agree with you on this.

      Nobody should have to compromise on sex to this extent.   Sex is an expression of love towards the person that you are with, it should never be given as a reluctant affair.  It is in no way superficial to feel desire for another person and no one should be made to feel guilty for feeling this way. 

  10. 10

    While i think breaking up here would be pretty selfish and self defeating… i do think that the guy could obviously try to mitigate this by using alternative methods. He doesn’t need to always ‘rise to the occasion’. he could go down on her, or use an assortment of toys to help her along.

    that being said, i’ve had my share of arguments with feminists declaring in uncertain terms that a woman’s vagina is not the property of the boyfriend and not there just to sexually service a penis at his every whim. i wonder what they would say in this situation. is he only a penis to service her or a full person (and apparently exceptional one from her descrip of him)

    easy answer is to just let hubby know when you’re horny and tell him you’ll bake him a nice cake or his favorite dish if he helps you reach the big O. just joking about the cake part… if he cares about you, he’ll want you to be pleasured.

  11. 11
    Valley Forge Lady

    I am willing to wager tht you have not discussed this with your BF.  Perhaps you are practicing here to see what the market considers reasonable.

    I recommend that you spice things up!  There is so much stress these days that it is  affecting everyone and the bedroom is really catching it too!

    Making the effort to heat up the    sex is  a lot easier than replacing a good man!  

  12. 12

    I agree with Abby but will add one more age if you are over 45 and both of you have grown kids. I have a very high sex drive, always have and I was married for 9 years to someone that had a very low sex drive. Granted I am older and wiser and realize that you can not get everything out of a relationship, but with kids out the way now I am glad that my current SO has a drive closer to mine. When my kids were young I was OK with less sex, too tired to matter, but now it is a very different situation.

  13. 13
    Simple lady

    I am experiencing this issue at the moment with my bf. We are both on mid 30’s no children at all. We are living together for more than a year. I tried all my best to help him but hes not into it. I told him that I am sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. He told me that hes tired and working long hours and he is not horny as me. He always says just help yourself if you want. He is also a loving bf but his libido is very low and not even willing to do something about it. Sometimes, I was thinking to find another man but im afraid he might be as loving as my current one but at the en dof the day I feel very unhappy when it comes to bed. Dont also know what to do if I will take the risk of looking for another man. 

    1. 13.1

      I feel the same way. My bf is 37 and I’m 24. I have no idea how or when to ask him for sex anymore he rejects me 99% of the time and we end up arguing about it a lot. I too fear if I leave him, I will not find anyone else who will love me for me. Sextually I’m SO FRUSTRATED and very unhappy when I bed. He tells me he dosent like it when he sees the toys out. When he comes home from work he feels.. Like i dont know insecure? Or like im cheating on him with it. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    2. 13.2

      I laughed bitterly when I read this post. 6-9x a month sounds like heaven! My bf and I are 42 and for us it’s once every 3-4 months. I’ve started discretely talking to friends about it and they ALL have the same complaint. The men just have no/very low sex drives. Several of these friends are now actively cheating or considering it now. Before anyone gets all down on the morally of it. A few of these women haven’t had sex in 10+ years. Staying for kids, financial stability, friendship…whatever. If your partner is unwillingly to help find a compromise I am not going to judge anyone who steps out for sex.

      1. 13.2.1

        This could be my life.  Loving and caring but low sex drive. Used to have sex 3 times a month in the first year.  Now we haven’t had sex in almost two years. I want kids and I’m over 35 so it’s too late to run but if you can RUN! Sex is important, not just because of the orgasms but because of the intimacy. My husband is a stranger I live with and all those qualities that made me stay are useless now because I don’t feel like I have a partner.

    3. 13.3

      Just curious what ended up happening in your relationship as I am in the exact same situation now. 

  14. 14

    This is a subject very close to my heart – I ended up leaving BOTH my husbands over this issue. I’m not looking for sex every night, but I am looking for someone who will meet me half way, and it doesn’t sound as though this girl’s “wonderful” boyfriend is doing that. She says they have fought about it many times, since early in the relationship which means a) the subject has been broached and B) sadly, nothing has changed. Unfortunately, this is very common in a situation where the man has a lower sex drive than the woman – she becomes unhappy, she raises the issue, he does not respond to her unhappiness with any kind of compromise. There are many women who have sex more often than they would naturally choose to in order to keep their partner happy and their relationship healthy, but men just don’t do that. I participated in an online forum for couples with clashing libidos for a couple of years and this point emerged very clearly. So the OP has to take on board that THIS WILL NOT CHANGE.
    Ultimately, for me, the problem became not so much the lack of sex but the fact that my partner was not prepared to  take my unhappiness into account, irrespective of the particular issue involved(in this case, sex). Realising that your partner simply does not care as long as he can stay in his comfort zone erodes a relationship to the point where it becomes unsustainable. It is extremely hard to leave a man you love (and desire sexually) because of this issue, but the longer you leave it the more you are investing in a relationship that is ultimately going to crumble anyway – no relationship can survive in a healthy form with such a major defect at its core.

    1. 14.1

      This is by far the best answer I’ve read.

      1. 14.1.1

        I agree katie

    2. 14.2

      Helene  thank you for this .. looking  for answers  . I’ve been in a relationship  for just over 2 years and sometimes we don’t have sex for a month -6 weeks my confidence has hit rock bottom . He is everything I love apart from this !and feel selfish to even be thinking of leaving him .. but I’ve lost that close Ness we had !and I’m very unhappy about the lack off sex .

  15. 15

    To me 2X per week is okay. However, I wonder about the quality – is she satisfied in those times? If it is good and everything else is good I agree with Stephen in #7. 

  16. 16

    @ Mike #10, I admit I haven’t argued with the feminists, but pretty sure the majority of women that are married/in LTRs, habitually meet their husbands or BF’s halfway and have sex when they don’t really feel the urge to. Like Helene said, they’re doing it to keep their husbands happy and the relationship healthy. There’s always a middle ground and most couples manage to find theirs.
    @ Valley Forge Lady #11, the OP says they have discussed it so many times, she’s given up because discussing it usually gets her nowhere.
    We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel.

    Personally I find his reaction a bit surprising, given that it is coming from a man who is the OP’s “best friend”. I thought friends helped each other out, no? Not drawing any conclusions, just trying to wrap my head around it… can’t he ever say yes for a change??

  17. 17

    It’s a coincidence that this is the topic. I’ve just ended a relationship due to this matter. I addressed the issue early on, and at first he seemed open but later became angry and unresponsive. I understand that this is a tender subject with men, but I feel it is important for both parties to do what it takes to satisfy the other because if you’re not going to make the effort with the one you love then what’s the point? He was getting the emotional connection that he sought; however, my needs were not being met. It began to strain the relationship, and the more I brought it up, the angrier he would become. Honestly, it wasn’t worth fighting about. The energy that was invested in arguing about it could have easily been spent in a more constructive way. It was sad to leave because I felt that it was a shallow decision, but I began to feel lonely and rejected and couldn’t take it anymore. Good luck to you! No matter what you choose, it won’t be easy.

    1. 17.1

      You hit the nail on the head in my relationship except it’s my gf with the non-existent sex drive. Like you, I addressed this early on and she seemed open about our compatability but now, 2 1/2 years later she’s very angry and unresponsive when I bring the issue up. She’s getting her “emotional connection and staying in her comfort zone” while my needs go unmet. Now all we do is argue about it when I question her about how I’m feeling about this. So now I’m contemplating leaving because I feel so lonely, rejected and undesirable. I’m older so I fear it will be harder to find someone who shares the same ideas and desires as I do but I just can’t ride the emotional roller coaster anymore. I hope you have moved on and found the happiness you deserve.

  18. 18

    It is certainly something that can be a deal breaker in a relationship. In my opinion this is one of the most important parts of a relationship as it is a way in which people can share a connection with one another.

  19. 19


    It’s not the lack of orgasm. I’m sure she could take care of it herself. It’s being made to feel undesirable with seems to be killing her libido when he is into it. Regardless it’s not a good sign if a guy only wants sex twice a week.

  20. 20

    Evan- i agree with most of your advice, most of the time, but not now. Compromising on sex is not the same as compromising on education, religion, height, age, etc. It is something that deeply affects a relationship everyday. Being sexually compatible sets the tone for the entire relationship. Most discord in any relationship has it’s roots in the woman’s sexual dissatisfaction.  If you don’t believe me, read any of Diana Richardson’s books, namely, Tantric Orgasm For Women. Also, you implied a couple of times in your response that this woman wants sex every night….I never heard her say that. She certainly wants more sex than she’s getting and that is a serious issue. In this day and age, women are sexually empowered. If she stays in the relationship and is perpetually dissatisfied, sooner or later she will seek out a lover elsewhere, and who would blame her? 
    And a note to Saint Stephen… hello…. a vibrator just doesn’t cut it. Your comment is clueless, and an insult to us women.

  21. 21

    Wowza Sara – Every woman wants GREAT GREAT sex – especially tantra and all of that. I think there is a bell curve for what is okay to great – but there is certainly bad where “he comes first” and that is it. Blucko. 

    Raise your standards, girls!! I mean bottom line is that he has an interest and also wants to have great sex and please his partner.

    I am wondering if he is really tired from work – like really stressed or working too many hours? Or if he is working out a whole lot. Those things can really affect a relationship. 

  22. 22

    I really like the photo illustrating this blog post.  Good photography and good looking models who are not model-perfect.

  23. 23

    @Sara 20, I’m a woman, and that was my first thought – she should go to  I totally agree with Saint Stephen and didn’t feel the least bit insulted.  If the writer has 80% or more of what she’s looking for in a husband, she ought to thank her lucky stars.  There is no such thing as 100% compatibility in every area.  And to those suggesting the man should “do something” about his lesser sex drive, that’s like saying he should “do something” about his nationality or height.  Once you rule out medical problems, you have to face the fact that some people are going to want a lot of sex and some simply don’t.  If you can’t deal with that, leave.  Only she can decide. 

  24. 24

    I would highly recommend reading “Mars and Venus in the bedroom” by John Gray. It can provide some new insights to you. Oh, and BTW, your boyfriend can up the ante a bit. Sometimes, you guys can just have some foreplay and then he can just help you have an orgasm and that would be fine. Since you already have a higher sex drive, you would probably need less foreplay. 

  25. 25
    Katarina Phang

    That was the story of my marriage as well.  Like everyone has said, sex is one of the pillars of healthy relationship (the others are chemistry, communication and compatibility).  It’s HUGE.  If one pillar is wobbly, it can’t sustain the relationship for long.

    When sex works it’s 10% of relationship -so yes, it’s not everything.  But when it doesn’t, it becomes 90%.  Because it’s one of the pillars. 

    And no, please…. sex in relationship isn’t replaceable by vibrators.  You don’t emotionally bond with your vibrator but you need to bond with your partner through sex.  If not relationship rots over time.  Slowly but surely.

    Only marry those whom you are sexually compatible with.  Those who belittle your sex drive and take it personally that you want more than they do are not worth your salt in the long run.  It’s a major red flag. They’re not wrong for not wanting as much sex as you, they are just wrong for you.  Everyone’s needs are different.

    Granted, to have all the pillars sound and strong is mighty difficult.  It’s rare to find someone you can feel right in all those areas at the same time.  But if you want longevity in your relationship, never settles.  It’ better to be alone now than being stuck in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill you.  It’s damned if you stay, damned if you leave.  The worst feeling ever.

    I make a promise to myself, no matter how much I like/love a guy, if our sex life isn’t up to my minimum standard, he’s out.  I’d rather date many guys and experience different guys sexually than being in a monogamous relationship that doesn’t fulfill me sexually.  It just won’t work.

  26. 26

    I think any person, male or female, finds the lack of sex or disinterest in sex a deal breaker in the relationship long term. The lack of closeness, bonding and satisfaction with your partner will drive you apart if you can’t find some sort of middle ground where both partners needs are being met.

    We don’t know if there is any sort of medical issue with her boyfriend but if she has been fighting with him about this for several years there is a problem.
    It depends how much she acutally loves him. Sex is always the cherry on top of the cake and there is so much more to loving your partner than just sex.
    What would she do if something happened to her boyfriend and sex was not possible anymore? An accident or medical issue? Would she dump the guy or do what lots of other people do who really love their partner. stay with them and do what it takes to make them happy no matter what?
    After all, it’s not their fault.
    A friend’s wife has Parkinsons disease and sex is no longer possible. He does go out with occasionally other women very discreetly but still loves his wife and would never do anything to hurt her and would never leave her. Is what he is doing wrong? He is just taking an occasional break from having to watch his wife die a little more every day.
    Sometimes life sucks!

    So, what’s important in the long run?

  27. 27

    Funny this is the second time I have checked out this blog that relates directly to my current situation. I am a woman in my late 30s that would love sex twice a week….but because of my BFs low sex drive I’ve compromised to once a week and he can’t even handle that on a consistent basis…..we’ve had so many discussions its crazy. It’s only been two years and it really pains me to break up over this but I’ve come to the realization this is a larger issue w him re intimacy problems. He is very affectionate and leaves I love you notes for me to try to make up for it but I also want to feel wanted and desired. Been told I look great for my age so it isn’t like I am bad to look at. I’ve stayed knowing that you do need to compromise but the sacrifice to your self esteem still ends up eroding the relationship. It will only get worse.

    1. 27.1
      Sad lover

      ive been reading all of these comments and feeling that it could be me writing that letter. I’ve been with my guy for 2 years. The sex was hot and heavy and erotic to begin with. There is nothing vanilla about him. We moved in together 8 months ago and suddenly his sex drive dived. We have sex once a week. Only on a Saturday morning and always from behind. He doesn’t look at me. We’ve been to a counsellor and I continue to raise this with him explaining that it’s hurting me and the relationship. I love him. I know he loves me. He masturbates which makes me think he’s just not attracted to me. To get any attention I have to jump through circus hoops. Dress up etc. my self esteem has nose dived. I spend a lot of time googling in the hope of finding answers. And here I am.

      1. 27.1.1

        dear sad lover ,
        mostly am the same case of you , we have been married 2 years ago , he was sexually better in the beginning and now he is very tired and some times he escape from me, by saying not in mood ,staff like that ,and our time is saturday night , once a week as you , to be honest , i start now to control him very well and overcome him in our daily life , that help alot in my problem with him, i start to point ..why he is not sexually good, but i dont know what to do ?

    2. 27.2

      Your post has given me some comfort. My issue is it’s my gf with the non-existent sex drive. Going on 3 years now and she’s like your bf, she’s affectionate and warm and we get along fine outside of an intimacy life. Like you, I’ve stayed around for compromise but after we have a discussion nothing ever changes and I’ve thought now it’s more of an issue that’s deeper than sex. We went to a councilor but she only went one time and won’t go back. But my self esteem is gone and I’m tired of the emotional roller coaster and I’m convinced it’s only going to get worse from my standpoint.

  28. 28

    SDF: if he boned you an extra 2x a week just because you wanted some, even though he didn’t really want some, would you be satisfied?

    1. 28.1

      Thank you. Your comment made it very simple for me. Appreciate that you leave no judgement. Sad realization, but no, I won’t be happy if he was just doing it for me. The clarity is gratifying, and so very heartbreaking. I love him so much…

  29. 29

    I wouldn’t tell a man who wasn’t getting enough sex to just suck it up and I wouldn’t tell it to a woman.  Like it or not, a sex life is a big part of a relationship and it has to work for both people for the relationship to be happy.
    I also wouldn’t tell someone who wants sex more than most people that they have an abnormally high drive.   Vice-versa for “low drive” people.  If that is their biochemistry, that is normal for them.   Their challenge is to find a partner who matches up with them.
    Several people have posted accounts of lower sex drive BFs.  I take it these are not men in their 20s or 30s?   Why do there seem to be so many?   I know women peak near their 40s.   As a group they also tend to take better care of their health than men at that age.
    I’m tempted to think hard work schedules and stress play a part, but women work now too.  I’ve heard married women with jobs and kids complain that those two endeavors kill their mood.   Maybe some women with lighter jobs or jobs that give them energy are pairing up with guys whose careers sap theirs?    Then there is boredom with a particular partner.
    Outside of those things there are the ordinary factors of poor nutrition, lack of exercise,  higher weights, lack of adequate sleep, etc.
    Did I miss anything in terms of what might account for a low libido?

    1. 29.1
      Nodzh nor Bittner nor Pipe

      Two things, for what it’s worth:

      a) Lack of prior experience. Not everyone is born with a tremendous ability to please a partner sexually (whether or not said pleaser is personally comfortable with sex) nor was sexual intimacy a part of their growing up or adolescence. I can speak from personal experience that many people in my position were never even offered the chance for sexual expression by the opposite sex in their youth, and were it to occur would find it extremely awkward, regardless of the enthusiasm I or they might have.

      b) Neuroleptic/psychotropic medication; in my case it was both antidepressants and atypical antipsychotics from my teenage years onwards. I realize that not everyone reading this will ever require involved psychiatric treatment for any length of time, but I submit that most modern medications intended for the assited treatment of bipolar (manic/depression) disorder, anxiety and schizophrenia/schizoaffective disorders pull one’s libido down through the basement, even if someone like me ends up meeting a compatible partner. I do masturbate infrequently but it is a rarity compared to what I perceive the norm for orgasmic expression to be for most sexually active adults.

      That said, I don’t mean to put myself forward as being ‘typical’ sexually; I suspect I’m not even close. But I thought it was worth putting my two cents in.

      1. 29.1.1

        @Nodzh nor Bittner nor Pipe thanks for your two cents, epecially your section b) responce. As a partner of someone on medication that affects their libido I’m glad someone mentioned their own experience with this. I love my partner but this has caused some fights, though I know it is not my partners fault as the medication is a must to keep SO healthy and well. This is still an issue for us, is there anything you have found that helps you with this situation?I understand not to pressure your partner but we are in our mid twenties and it’s hard to not to start feeling unwanted when asking for sex with SO becomes more like nagging.  I don’t know if this forums active anymore….

  30. 30

    @Goldie #16

    Oh i agree, if he doesn’t want to meet her halfway and try the other things as i discussed, then no matter what his feelings towards her, hes being callous towards her predicament and she would then be in her right to leave.

    But if he did meet her part way, but it wasn’t intercourse, would that be acceptable? I do recall not too long ago seeing another post with women seething about the prospects of some guy leaving his LTR because the girl decided to find religion and put a stop to sex until marriage. I recall many protestations to the mere possibility that the guy ‘might’ leave her due to lack of sex.

    It’s just always funny to see the many reactions to the plethora of life’s problems when faced from a different point of view.

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