Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?

Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? –Sexually Deprived Female

While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…

And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.

Is sex something worth breaking up over?

You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.

Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover – otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.

The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.

It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.

See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.

His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.

It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.

People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.

Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.

Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”

And that’s where sex is really no different than any other dealbreaker: height, weight, age, education, income, sense of humor, geography, kids, blahblahbah. People who are looking to get married must realize that you don’t get EVERY SINGLE quality you’re looking for in a partner, but if you get most of them, you’re a very lucky person. My wife and I have similar libidos – closer to your boyfriend, for what it’s worth – so this is one thing that we didn’t have to compromise on. But we did compromise on religion, politics, geography, education, and a host of other things. This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

If you are insistent upon your partner having any quality that may be somewhat extreme – a man with a PhD (3%), a man who is a millionaire (4%), a man who runs marathons (.1%), etc – you are CHOOSING to limit your dating pool. There’s no judgment on you; but it will, by definition, take you a lot longer to find love.

One final point that you seem to have missed is this: you feeling lonely and rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex is YOUR decision. He’s still your boyfriend. He’s still attracted to you. He still sleeps with you. He just has a different biological makeup. It’s like being a chef who gets angry that his patrons don’t want to eat at 1pm after he just fed them a big lunch at 12pm. You can’t take this personally.

So once that’s off your head – and you stop judging him and judging yourself because you’re different, ask yourself: can I find happiness with this man or is sex important enough that I will continue searching for the man who a) can give it to me every night and b) also has all of the wonderful qualities of your current boyfriend.

You’re not wrong whichever way you choose, but it’s clear that the path of accepting your normal boyfriend is a surer route to a healthy relationship than blowing things up for a random guy with an equally high sex drive and keeping your fingers crossed that you’ll also love him VERY, VERY much.

Unless YOU don’t think so, in which case, I wish you the best of luck.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Rachel

    I am going through this same thing.  My boyfriend and I have known each other for almost 3 years.  We just started dating 6 months ago.  Our sex life was great at first.  He is 44 and I am 31.  I love him so much and don’t want to leave him.  His parents are not doing very good health wise and we just bought a house.  He claims he is stressed out and has went to the doctor and was told that he had borderline low testosterone.  He won’t take medications for it either.  But it is starting to bother me.  We have had sex 3 times in the last 4  months.  He tells me that he has no want for sex and that he can’t get aroused.  But then will turn around and ask me for head almost every night.  He can get it up then and get off.  But then I am laying there not taken care of and have to use a toy… That doesn’t give me the same gratification.  I want my man back!

    1. 121.1
      Mrs Happy

      Rachel,
      stop giving him head.

  2. 122
    Madge

    I have learned from 2 very different relationships, if sexual intimacy starts dwindling quickly it is time to go, 2 of the men in my life have done this, they say “nothing is wrong, why should I see a doctor, it will get better”, these are lies, they don’t go to the doctor, they don’t care that their partner is hurting, frustrated and possibly homicidal at times, they make their own selfish decisions and you are left to deal with your own feelings. IT NEVER GETS ANY BETTER.

  3. 123
    leslie

    So appreciate this post… and the response. thank you both.

  4. 124
    Nrchlk

    I’m currently in a similar situation with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. We just started living together 3 months ago, but his low libido and evident lack of desire for sex has been an issue for quite some time now. And it’s only intensified now. Now before I go on, a few things to take into consideration are: He is an avid marijuana smoker and he works day/night shifts at a car factory. His commute to work is almost an hour one way. So I realize those two things most likely play a factor in his low libido. I REALLY try to be understand of his work schedule. However when the opportunity to have sex with me is in front of him, he passes it up pretty much all the time. I have to nag him to have sex with me, and it’s completely ridiculous that even have to do that. Men don’t understand how important it is to feel desired (sexually) by our man. We don’t need that attention from the millions of guys at the bar. We just need it from the one guy we have at home. And that’s my issue. I feel rejected. He has openly admitted he prefers to watch porn occasionally or masturbate himself because it’s just easier instead of putting in the effort to have sex. Which leaves me feeling neglected. It’s not fair that he’s only taking care of his own needs. So I’m constantly frustrated sexually, which makes me get angry in other aspects of the relationship. I’ve told him this numerous times but he doesn’t see sex as a huge deal. He keeps saying he loves me for more than just sex and he has said that sex now is kind of boring, but that you can’t expect the spark to be there forever. But that he loves me more than that anyway.  It’s just hard to accept that we’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy. 

  5. 125
    Aimee

    We’re both 27 and I’m experiencing the same situation. We’ve been together two years, I firstly had the serious convo at the start of the relationship but thought he was just shy. Then had the next serious convo about a year later when I realised things weren’t really improving. And now I’ve bought it up four times over the past fortnight, he just doesn’t want to meet me half way. I know he loves me and he says hell try harder to initiate things but he hasn’t. You’d think the following night or two after ‘the convo’ you’d pick up your balls and make a move. But no. And what’s worse is we are now expecting a baby. I’m so stressed out that this is it.. 

  6. 126
    Terri

    I am in the same situation. On top of that, my boyfriend and I also work opposite shifts.  
    However, I have no problem waking him and for a little afternoon delite, and he has no problem letting me have my way 🙂

    After two discussions about our different libido’s, we decided I will have to be in charge of this department, in our relationship. He handles the finances, and I handle the sex! hahaha
     
    I’ll admit, I would like him to take initiative at times, but I would not let this be a deal breaker.
    He is an amazing man, whom I’m deeply in love with, and we have an amazing relationship, in every other aspect.

  7. 127
    monty

    I’m a guy (36). My libido is not what it was. I could happily go without for a week or more at a time but I’m capable to go daily also if I wish. I do an extremely physically demanding job and am a terrible sleeper too so sometimes I am shattered but apart from flu, not man flu, real flu, I could always find reserves enough for 15 mins to half hour for a women I care about. 

    If I loved someone, really loved them, I would consider this a minor task to, at worst endure, on a daily basis. “If” it was a matter of enduring occasionally I would make it my mission in life to keep it from her!

    Admittedly if his stuff doesn’t work properly that’s entirely different ball game. 

  8. 128
    Rachel

    I’m so glad I came across this. I felt like I was reading my own story. Only trouble is, my partner isn’t a wonderful boyfriend. He’s a very rough person, and has really high walls. Deep down I see the good person he is and patiently love him as best I can. 
    I was Catholic so I didnt have sex till I was 21 and discovered that I have a very high sex drive. I married a gamer, and anyone who’s been in a relationship with a gamer sees where this went. I would stand in lingerie while he would play WoW and say that he can’t, he’s raiding. So that ended in divorce.
    Now I’m with another gamer. And while I enjoy gaming, I have learned how much of a killer of the libido this hobby can be. Men get incredibly lethargic, and not even a beautiful woman that loves them can pull them away from their controllers for an hour.  Society tells us women that apparently we’re supposed to be frigid bitches who use sex like a weapon. I’ve never turned down a boyfriend for sex. Unless I was sick or in pain, I always put out for my man and yet I end up feeling neglected, unwanted. It hurts when you’re partner isn’t in the mood, because you feel like it has to do with you. Its damaging on a person’s sense of security. 
    I get turned down almost all the time withnt partner. As much as I love and care for him, I still end up crying quietly when he turns me down.
    Sex is wonderful . Its intimate and pleasurable and I don’t understand how people go so long onths, years) without it. Its simply tragic. Maybe we high libidos are the weirdos here. But when you’re drive is high, I think it becomes a physical and emotional need.
    Some of us believe couples should always have separate bank accounts. Some of us believe that couple should pool all their money into one account, share everything. I don’t believe either one is right or wrong. I see the benefits in both. So I just have to decide what I think is needed. And then rank that in importance. 
    My view on money is not as high as sex. Because money comes and goes (goes more often these days) and since its not a big deal to me, I’ll adapt to whatever my partner prefers.
    But sex is an expression of love, and it is important to me. And being with someone that doesn’t want it that much can really tear at you. Make you feel undesirable (you know, the old “if I was skinnier/tanner/brunette/Asian/bigger-breasted he would totally want me right now” that goes through a woman’s head every time she puts herself out there, asking a man- ASKING a man, to take her clothes off and make love to her right there  on the couch and he just goes “nah”. Its disheartening and at times, soul-crushing.
    You have to ask yourself, is this going to continue to make me miserable? Its pretty simple. You can love him till you’re blue in the face. If there is little to no return of that love in a way that you enjoy and can feel satisfied.. Like I said, its pretty simple. We’re not meant to live in misery. 

  9. 129
    Clare

    I have been married for 2.5 years and i’m having the same problem. We have two daughters, aged 8 & 1, things at home are lovely, my husband is very affectionate towards me all of the time but we only have sex 3 maybe 4 times a month. I have raised the issue on numerous occasions as me myself also have a high sex drive, sex with my husband is amazing and nothing like i have ever had, bit it getting less and less and i’m becomjng more and more frustrated, i couldnt bare to be without him and he promises to make more time for me but then it reverts back to usual, he works very very hard however makes time for working out twice a week to make himself feel better about himself and look better for me so he says and also has the energy for his other kids every fortnight… I dont Know what to do but get angry now, leaving isnt an option unless i want my children to be without their father which i dont. I can sympathise with this woman as when my husband and i first met we were rampant, kids arent to blame either, time together can be easily made if the want for it is really there. has only changed in last 18months. if u are unhappy and have to serious ties like kids then just walk if it affects u so much.

  10. 130
    CP

    I’m in the same boat… sex is a once a month affair because I push for it at least once a month with hints etc… been this way since we had our first baby…. 9yrs ago. Ended up having 3 kids.. I timed our once a month activity well to fall preggies. Love my kids and hubby very much. But the lack of intimacy leaves me feeling broken and empty ;( have also had many discussions but it never gets better. He cheated on me 5yrs ago and then i cheated as i felt unworthy of intimacy…. we made it through all that and our relationship is strong. But the lack of intimacy is heartbreaking. 6 to 9 times a month is Wow. 3 to 4 times a month would make me the happiest woman in the world!

    1. 130.1
      anon764

      I’m always confused at why a refusing spouse would go and have an affair, like in your case, CP.  
      I know the feeling you mentioned about feeling broken and empty.  I think that’s putting it mildly.  But why do you think he cheated if you were a willing partner? 

  11. 131
    Holly

    I am in a similar situation and very dissatisfied.. I have talked to him about it several times.. There’s always an excuse and still nothing changes even after promises and promises.. I’m so tired of other people always ltelling me how pretty and attractive I am when the man I love and live with has barely ang sex drive. The bottom line is if you have to keep talking about it become so uncomfortable that you start losing interest. I keep thinking it’s going to get better but it never does and now I’m just resentful.. My heart is sad but believe me a relationship needs many things but you have to have the intimacy to survive! It starts making you feel very sad and unwanted and depressed.. I want my lover to desire me and be excited at the thought of love making not have to complain about it. .. I mean isn’t that what makes it the best when two people desire each other If we think about this it’s ridiculous and I say we move on . It will hurt like hell but if we don’t a piece of our spirit dies a little every day . I’m passionate person and need the intimacy. I think 2 to 3 times a week is normal and pretty average.

  12. 132
    Lola

    I have been dating a guy for a little while now. Overall it’s going really well, he helps me out with chores and errands all the time, gets along wonderfully with my family and friends. Treats me, my things, and my pets amazingly… However, the amount of sex that I want VS. the amount he wants varies wildly. If it were up to me I would have sex at least every other night if not EVERY night (and morning if I had my way) and he seems content to just NEVER have sex. He has said himself he is a “sex camel” and can go without it.
    I am unable to just not take it personally. I try not to but, I can’t help but think he isn’t attracted to me. I know I’m not super model and I do have extra weight I carry around but, I am by no means obese or way over weight. I deal with insecurities everyday as it is and this isn’t helping my self esteem any.
    There is an age difference between us and I wonder if that is part of the explanation. I’m 26 and he is 32 and I have wondered if it is simply the fact that he is past the sexual prime age range of his early twenties that could be causing this rift in our needs and desires.

    Call me crazy but, I believe sex is a HUGE part of any happy healthy relationship. It creates a closer bond and in many ways can reassure a partner that you still love them and find them attractive. I’m not sure how to remedy the situation as ending a relationship that is otherwise perfect over sex is simply not a thought that has even crossed my mind.

    It is however nice to know that there are other women out there that have the same issues in their love life.

  13. 133
    tammy

    we went from an amazing sex life as we dated 2 years.soon as we were married he started having ED problems . Now even though he is on Cialis still shows little interest. I feel bamboozled,Robbed,Tricked. He used to say ”wanna keep my attention,wear short skirts.” Well that does’t apply anymore I guess .nothing does.We halve been married a year and a half now.I am at the point I am losing my attraction toward him because of all his disinterest in me.

  14. 134
    RS

    It is not shallow to be considering a break up over sexual unfulfillment. There is the very real possibility that what she finds unlivable now will only decrease even further within marriage. I am there but now there are children’s needs to consider. Mine is content with once a month or two and even then it is “take it or leave it” and he gets angry or irritated if I dare initiate. He has no interest in changing things. I would rather not go longer than 2-3 times a week but he obviously has me over a barrel with that. Being constantly frustrated magnifies every other problem big or small and it is very hard to keep resentment in check. My children are the only reason I would choose this road. If your boyfriend is not concerned about your feelings and willing to find some middle ground it is a huge red flag and you should weigh your decision carefully as you could possibly save yourself years of frustration (pun intended).

  15. 135
    Gaya

    I divorced 6 months ago from my husband of 10 years because I thought in the beginning of our relationship that I am superficial to see different sex drives as a deal breaker. In the beginning of the relationship we made love once a week (and there were times when he couldn’t get it up even at that rate) which seemed a bit weird for me but I didn’t push him and tried to be as supportive and discreet as possible because I liked him very much. He also told me that he was used to having sex once a month. To cut the long story short it became such a big issue (we even had a year of celibacy because I decided that I won’t initiate to see whether he would… well, he didn’t) in the end. And it wasn’t only the lack of sex, it was the lack of cuddles, kisses, connection. Lack of his will to understand what I would like in a relationship though I compromised, compromised, compromised, tried to understand and accept him as he was – unfortunately I suffered for too long. In the end I was frustrated, passive-agressive, despised him, blamed him though it was my own stupid decision to overlook the sexual part of a relationship, to overlook my core need for intimacy in a relationship. Usually that kind of incompatibility becomes worse and worse over time – really think about it. It is not superficial to desire a physical connection (actually it goes hand in hand with an emotional connection as well) with your sweetheart.
    I have to say that his very low sex drive also translates into the way he lives. He has no initiative, he is very comfortable, has no interests, has no spark, no desire for anything – at the same time he is a nice guy with a kind heart. It was a very, very hard lesson to learn because I constantly suppressed what I felt, thinking that I was superficial because he was a nice guy. Do not make the same mistake and do not settle for just niceness.

  16. 136
    Renae

    It’s soo weird that I saw this right after having a heated discussion with my boyfriend of 4 1/2 years of the same situation. I feel he has become complacent in our sex life. I’m okay with 2 times a week if that’s all he wants but I do want to feel wanted. The sex has become routine and no passion. Although he is very sexy and in extremely turned on by him, I have to remind myself constantly on why that’s not a deal breaker. I liked your response. It’s good to hear I’m not the only one. The thing is, men like new, and if their sex drive has diminished, it’s prob because they are comfortable with you. Thanks for sharing.

  17. 137
    michael

    This is very bad you must make an appointment with a Urologist not normal needs his Testosterone checked He has a medical problem I am inbaresed for him  help this man out.

  18. 138
    sorella

    I’m in the same situation, with less frequency. 2-3 times a month (if it’s a good month). I’m 25, he’s 30. We’ve been dating for 4 years, living together 3. I’m in very good shape, and more experienced so I know what I’m doing, and when it happens it’s great but it’s not very often. I try to initiate but it’s always a let down. He’s very sweet and affectionate, always cuddling and kissing and we’ve built a great home. He grew up in a repressive Christian religion, when he lost his virginity as a teenager the pastors told him it was the same sin in god’s eyes as murder. we are both nonreligious now (he left the church after that) but I feel this shame with sex has a lot to do with his problems, and his anger issues but though he’s acknowledged this he refuses to talk to someone. I’ve told him he needs to figure it out or I’m afraid it will lead to me cheating. He has been saying for years I’ll get better, you deserve me to be better, I’ll work on it and it’s fine for a couple weeks and then it goes back to 1-3 times a month. I’ve threatened to leave, we’ve cried, I just don’t know what do because I love him. He wouldn’t be ok with me having an outside outlet, but I’m worried it might come to that. 

  19. 139
    Dave

    My advice is…. RUN..! I’m a male with a very high sex-drive masturbating 2-3 times a day in a 40 year old relationaship. I can tell you it will only get worse. We starting off with sex everyday. Ten years and two lovely Daughters later she started withholding to the point where 1 in 20 requests for sex was my success rate. In the last ten years we’;ve had sex about 10 times. I’ve been destroyed with depression caused by feeling unloved, useless, inadequate in everything, no self esteem, no confidence, this list goes on. I’ve tried suicide twice unsuccessfully, (yes I really did mean to do it, no cry for help here). I’ve had counselling for depression which has just about worked. Why am I still with her? I still, even after the way she treats me, love her and I have dumb principles like ‘For better or worse’.
    This is what’s in store for you if you stick with him!
    I just want out of marriage and life. I’m just waiting for the heart attack when hopefully no-one’s around. This existence is cruel. And its all caused by the lack of love, affection, and sex.
    There are loads of guys out there who’d love to be with someone like you. It’s all about the great feeling you get from knowing someone wants to be with you anytime and fancies you rotten.

  20. 140
    kiki

    I’ve never met a man who would be willing to marry a woman who didn’t want to have sex or was sexually unsatisfied with the woman he was with no matter how marriageable she was. Women shouldn’t have to choose, we should be able to have both. Just because decent men are hard to find doesn’t mean women should settle. It means Men need to step up.

  21. 141
    Kim Henderson

    I have a higher sex drive than my husband of 15 years I’m 49 he’s 44 we have sex once a week which I think is ok for that many yrs, I would like it more but I’ll live, I have been in a relationship where he wanted it far more than me and I felt awful for not wanting it, I was attracted to him just not in the mood, it’s bad on both people, my husband loved me enough to go see his Dr his testosterone was bottomed out, he now gets injections and things are better but we both work outdoors and in Texas so after 8 hours in 115 degrees so it’s understandable, and I’ve also learned if you become disinterested in sex for awhile he will want it more.

  22. 142
    Em

    This girls is literally in my situation. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years as well and my sex drive is at a 9 and his is maybe a 3. We only have sex 1 time a week if that and we are 20 years old. We fight about it all the time too and I’m constantly asking myself if this is something to break up over. But then I realize he works everyday from 6-6 hard labor and he’s ALWAYS tired. And then in the weekends he has off but he’s either too tired then or too drunk to stay awake. It’s extremely frustrating since I am a very sexual person and I love my boyfriend very very much and he is amazing in bed. So it’s also a disappointment becauSe he’s wasting his talent!! So I feel this girls pain. And I don’t know what to do either.

  23. 143
    judy

    I think this is a tough one to answer.

    If person “x” has a high sex drive and person “y” has a low one, there is a real problem, and only the author would know the solution to that one.

    139 – yes, I can fully identify with that and have felt the same feelings as you in a relationship.  I chose to leave (there were no children involved with this man).  Something for you to think about though 139.  In my first relationship, the sex was good and plentiful.  The rest of the relationship did not work at all.  I can’t say that I still love my ex-husband or miss him.  (This was the first relationship).  In the second relationship, the sex started GREAT, the love & kindness, respect and fun was there – but for some reason, I did not meet his needs.

    Of course, somewhere I know that something caused the sex to cool off (and this is not a dig at you, or a criticism) but I don’t know what that issue was (and yeah, I asked him, did the sex counselling thing, did some close looking at myself in relationship to him and other people but never found the right answer.  I wish I had.  I wish that this guy would have told me what the hell was going on.

    Maybe someone else is in that situation.  It might be you 139, or maybe 142.

    Is it really just fatigue and hard work?

    Open question, including for myself.

     

  24. 144
    Lani

    I’m going through it now. He’s always tired due to stress, unemployment and medical marijuana. He used to be very sexual. It’s been 2 months since he initiated intimacy/sex. I have told him how I felt so many times and have also told him my frustrations and that we should just be friends. He hasn’t changed nor made any effort or pursued me sexually. I’m feeling like he is not interested. 2 months is not acceptable. I need to move on. So, I had sex the other night with a long time friend. I’m going to leave him and tell him we can be friends in the future. I’m done and must move on, be happy and satisfied. I will not give the benefits of being a girlfriend and not get anything back. Good luck to all and remember, focus on yourself, be haapy with someone who will give back 🙂 

  25. 145
    Unsatisfied and confused

    I just made the decision to break up with my boyfriend of 4 months due to sexual incompatibility. Since age has been brought up several times, I will state for the record that I am 44 and he is 41. My dissatisfaction has multiple facets to it, some of which I am certain I will hear some backlash for.

    Some brief backstory: I have been married 2x prior. 1x for 8 yrs (from 18-26) and the second time for 14 yrs. I had very few sexual encounters before #1 or between either. After leaving #2, which was an emotionally, verbally and psychologically damaging relationship (where, ironically, sex was very frequent and satisfactory – or so I thought) I moved across country and began exploring my sexuality. Likes, dislikes, etc. My first time having sex outside of my marriage was with an old friend. Within 10 seconds of him being inside of me I literally said out loud: “Oh, my God! THIS is what it is supposed to feel like?” I had unwittingly discovered that to MY body, size really did matter.

    For the next 2 years, I “dated” – meaning I chose not to be in a committed relationship. I had issues to work out re: trust (both exes cheated and as I said #2 was just a horrible mess altogether.) so I wasn’t ready and knew that. I was; however, in my sexual prime – libido through the roof and curious about everything.

    So I (safely) went about trying different things with different partners (and, NO, not simultaneously – nor was anyone under the impression we were exclusive at any time). I threw out the idea of a “type” of guy and dated men from all walks of life, shapes and sizes, colors, etc. After a while, the “excitement” kind of dwindled and as I worked on myself more and more I realized I was over the fling of the moment and was ready to have an actual boyfriend. Someone to share time with and enjoy in and out of bed on every level.

    Enter my first BF after 3.5 yrs of being single and playing the field. Super sweet, funny, foodie, very social, musically inclined, manly yet sensitive in a balanced way. Not perfect looking – a lil extra to love, but that was okay. Then, in getting to know one another, the list of potential problems began to emerge:

    He is sickly often. Has serious back issues. And just too much to list. I tried to put that all aside because none of us are perfect, myself especially. Due to his myriad of health problems, he cannot perform often or well and is unable to orgasm. He is also not the endowment size my body responds to.

    We have talked about it. We have tried different positions, toys, you name it. It isn’t working for me at all. As much as we give one another in every other area, it is just one I cannot compromise on. So, last night I chose to end it.

    We are both heartbroken, but I can’t see a long-term scenario with him in which our sex life is a satisfying one for me and I would rather bow out gracefully before putting more time into it knowing this is my truth. No, sex isn’t everything. And yes, relationships are compromise. This just wasn’t one I could see continuing without resentment and hurt building and creating an unhealthy situation for the two of us…

     

    1. 145.1
      Karmic Equation

      You did the right thing.

      I wish more women were this brave…And to be honest, I think most women are…if she and her partner are SEXUALLY incompatible.

      But most women don’t have the courage to walk away from RELATIONSHIP-incompatible men OR if the sexual compatibility is great but the relationship stinks. If the sex is great she’ll overlook all kinds of relationship-incompatibilities and try to “change” him to suit her instead of dumping him.

      In this way, I think women are more sex-obsessed than men. Men will eventually dump the hot sex kitten if the relationship with her doesn’t make him happy, even if the sex was great. Women will not dump men who give her orgasms even if he’s a cheating jerk. Interesting, no?

      1. 145.1.1
        Unsatisfied and confused

        Agreed. And thank you for the feedback. Just a little addition to my back story. I didn’t know either husband had cheated until after I left. #2 had probably been for the entire time we were together, but I was so Gaslighted by his control I never saw it…

  26. 146
    Desiree Homan

    My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years now and have a 2 year old together.  We went from having sex all the time to I’m lucky if I get it 2x a month.  I still want it all the time but he doesn’t. I know how hurtful and rejected it makes people feel. So when you come up with a solution PLEASE let me know.

  27. 147
    Cherie

    I am a woman who can sympathize with this woman. I have been in a 2 year relationship with my BF and from the beginning, we have had this issue. We as well have argued about his lack of intimacy. I’ve tried to tell him how important being intimate with him is to me. It’s more than intercourse, its the closeness, the bond you have with your partner, that makes the act of sex special. Sex is an important component of a relationship. Believe me, I’ve gone through all the emotions of this problem. I’ve tried sexy lingerie, being seductive, but in all my relationships over the years, this is the ONLY one where I’ve ever felt more undesirable and “ugly” . I’ve gone to bed many nights in the past 2 years silently crying myself to sleep. NO ONE, man or woman should ever feel like this in a love relationship. I’m ready to leave this relationship. Yes, my BF is a good man, but he’s lazy, in the fact that he does not validate my feelings or even make an effort to try!

    Should she leave…YES, It’s not you, its HIM. It’s his problem, not yours. There is a man out there who will love and validate your feelings and rock your world!!

    1. 147.1
      Karmic Equation

      Cherie,

      Your boyfriend may be a good man, but he’s a bad boyfriend.

      Don’t just “think” about leaving him. Do it.

      YOU deserve to have your needs met. If you stay, HE’s having his needs met, but you’re not. There is no incentive for him to change.

      Go out and find a guy who feels the same way about sex that you do.

  28. 148
    Gabriella Applewood

    The response to the ladies dilemma was written I am led to believe by a man. Men very typically have black and white reponses and view points. They similarly wish to ‘fix’ situations and if something cannot be fixed they seem to then have little patience or time for it. They write it off/dismiss it, almost have oh just except it and especially if a situation is more emotionally led they can find it even harder to relate and understand. Woman do not see or feel so literally and in black or white terms. I felt this lady’s dilemma was not dealt with at all sensitively and was almost turned back on her as purely her issue and almost making her feel guilty for feeling like she did and that it had nothing to do with the man (aren’t men quite good at turning things round so it no longer is about them but something the woman has done/should have done)  This situation of hers is a complicated and upsetting one where she is clearly struggling.  Who ever wrote the reply has an extremely impatient and insensitive viewpoint of women’s feelings and thought patterns. And can I ask lets just say the man to whom replied to this woman had a wife who rejected him sexually, was not compatible with his sex drive and turned him down on regular basis; would he be of that same view point, well its not their fault but my issue so get on with it and just rememebr her good points??? Seriously doubt it. He too would feel hurt and frustrated and distant from his partner. And had a woman replied to his situation would be far more sensitive and less one sided. How can he possibly judge when he has never experienced this situation or appreciate the sheer importance of sexually intimacy? He cannot be so naive and blinkered surely to not see how important a healthy intimate sex life is and if it doesn’t happen so much, well get over it basically and think of their good points! The impact on a person is huge. It affects them and in turn their partner and finally the relationship.  I am a solicitor and sadly see only first hand the effects in a relationship where one partner feels pushed away, rejected and hurt when sex is rarely happening. The effect on self esteem, closesness, the bond etc can be huge and once this happens it can unravel very quickly. She needs to talk to her partner. Uncomfortable and tricky I know, but this is too much of a big issue not to. It will eat and eat away at her until there is no going back to what it once was or could have been. You need to try and see if there is any way this can be resolved. Don’t be the one to sacrifice what you need, yes compromise, together but don’t sacrifice because you will resent your decision and then in tun him. Talk to him, give him the chance to at least see if he can work with you on this and if there is something that can be done. Good luck x

  29. 149
    cribchick

    So many different opinions and viewpoints about one thing that we all want. I believe a lot has to do with how you was brought up – how your parents treated each other and the affection they showed in front of you.

    Me, I’m going through a similar lack of sex issue with my boyfriend of 15 years. He is 45 and I am 57. We use to sleep different times, We had a great sexual relationship until I began to gain weight in 2009 ( this was unknown to the the reason until Sept 2015 and I had gained 70 pounds, yikes!) when I found several adult dating sights on his computer and phone and chats with other women about how he loved me but was not attracted to me and needed a discrete sexual relationship. I confronted him and he fessed up that it was my weight and that he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. Was he for real – not wanting to hurt me, like trying to have an affair wouldn’t do that?!? This mistrust made me change my sleep – I sleep about 3 hours before he comes home @ 12:15 am and I go back to sleep when he comes to bed around 3:30 am. Then I get up for work myself at 5:30 am. He goes in at 3 pm, so we talk on the phone before he leaves and maybe on one of his 2 breaks.  Sept 28 I started exercising and to date I have lost 38 pounds, in 10 weeks. He works 2nd shift and me first, so we seldom see each other. He continues to lie about talking to other women on those sites and masturbating to them – Nov we went out for his birthday and just so happens a gal wrote him when I had his phone – I began to chat with her and eventually she told me that he had told her he was leaving me as soon as he could to be with her. He would have me observe him call and cancel a website if I found it on the c/card bill. It’s been a roller coaster of emotions for me. He has told me even as recent as this afternoon that I haven’t seen any chats on his phone or computer – I’m no dummy – he has hidden all these and I found an app this morning that locked all those photos, chats, etc but I couldn’t access it because he has it set to open with his thumb print. I have found some history of him viewing local women 18-20. I’ve viewed his google maps history on his phone when he tells me he’s on his way home – just to see if he was and 9 times out of 10 he was sitting in a parking lot in a remote place, I feel he’s chatting. He tells me I’m paranoid. I am a kind of jealous person, when he’s joking or flirting with another lady – I acknowledge that they are gorgeous and it’s ok as long as they know he’s all talk – or is he?

    I know you are asking me why do I stay with this man – because I love him. As far as sex, we have not had any intercourse for quite a while I think 3 times last year and only 1 time the year before that – he has told me once I loose the weight I will get it more often. I broke down today about that and told him I have lost almost 40 pounds and went from a size 18-20 pants to 10/12 and nothing has changed, I have tried to seduce him lately only to have my confidence crushed by him continually saying no. I have lost my will to reach my goal, I realize nothing is going to change. Compromise is what I ask of him, to met my needs once in a while and yes I already use toys. He expressed that he does love me, and he doesn’t know why he doesn’t want to have sex!  Really –  I question if he is using me to help with the bills only to stay in his house. I worked on his credit since 2001 to get him to the point he could buy a house and new car, otherwise I don’t think he’d have a a penny to flip.

    One fact you should know. We are also fighting the state about the child support the court is still taking out of his pay, going to his ex, his oldest daughter is married and 21 and the youngest is soon to be 20 and doesn’t work and not in school. Doing without $800 a month really puts stress on your relationship. I’d like to be getting that kind of “free” money. She’s not giving any to the kids either. Matter of fact, the older called last month asking us to send her rent money so they wouldn’t get kicked out of their apartment. We had to get a lawyer for $5000 to file to get this stopped. This has been going on for almost 4 years, you figure how much “free” money she’s gotten and won’t have to pay back – sickening. I’m not sure but this may be an underlying cause of some of his issues.

  30. 150
    Amanda

    I am surprised that porn use didn’t come up more often.  With how easy it is to satisfy every visual fantasy you could possibly have, especially older men just don’t have the energy to satisfy their visual desires as well as their eck hem “wife!” or “girlfriend!” who they “see” all the time.  My husband and I are in our late 40’s and have sex almost every night. We have been together since our teens.  Did he lose sexual interest in me at some point?  Yes, he did.  Did I lose sexual interest in him at some point?  Yes, I did.  Raising kids is hard work, especially when one has autism.  I was way too exhausted for sex most nights.  I am sure he felt rejected and turned to fantasy and porn.  When the kids were grown my sex drive increased.  When he declared he didn’t care if he has sex with me or himself it really hit me … I’m sure as hard as it hit him when I was “too exhausted”.  So he desensitized his brain on porn and over the top photoshop perfection then he has to “get hard” for me?  hahaha … Thanks Viagra!  Because I’m still the one for him …  Ok, in all seriousness … I could have asked for him to take more interest in his kids and housework to help me out .. then I may not have been so exhausted.  But I didn’t.  He could have seen my distress and helped me out without me asking, but … he didn’t.  I can’t be every woman, I can’t compete with his fantasy’s … but I can keep the lines of communication open to talk about these things.  So I think it is very important to find different ways of how you bring up the topic and talk it out.  I know it’s not what guys really love to do, or so I’ve read but its worth a few more shots to get to the bottom of what is going on as well as your expectations vs his expectations in the relationship  so you can come to a compromise.

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