Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?

Is His Low Sex Drive A Dealbreaker?
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years now. He is sweet, patient, loving, and all the things you can ask for in a BF/Husband. One issue is that my sex drive is higher than his. I’d say I’m at an 8-9 and he would be at a 4. On an average, we probably have sex 5-9 times a month. We’ve fought about it plenty of times starting during our first year together. At this point, I never ask for it or try to start it because I know it may not go anywhere and I don’t want to argue or be reminded of how sexually neglected I feel. It’s THAT BAD. Now I feel that we have just become best friends who live together and once in awhile sleep together. When we do have sex, sometimes I feel my mind thinking elsewhere. I believe I have programmed my brain to not want to have sex just so that I don’t feel lonely and rejected when he says he’s not in the mood. I think I lost that spark and special connection with my boyfriend who I love VERY, VERY much. Sometimes I ask myself if I’m happy almost every day because of it. What do I do? Is sex something worth breaking up over??? –Sexually Deprived Female

While I’ve tackled another version of this question before, I think it’s a subject worth revisiting since there are three times more people reading this blog now than a few years ago…

And although I’ll weigh in with my normal blend of facts, reason and personal anecdotes, I’d really like to hear from you in the comments below.

Is sex something worth breaking up over?

You’re not wrong or shallow to ask the question. After all, if you’re only going to have sex with one person for the rest of your life, you’d better be content.

Which is why I would never advocate that anyone marry a man where there’s ZERO attraction “just because he’s nice”. A guy’s gotta be able to turn you on and be a good, game and giving lover – otherwise, you will be perpetually dissatisfied.

The question YOU’RE posing, SDF, is a slight twist on that.

It’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material.

See, you have the perfect boyfriend. He’s sweet, patient, loving and he’s continually demonstrated his worth over the course of three years.

His only flaw is that he’s got an average sex drive while you have a high sex drive.

It seems to me that the only person who can really answer the question as to whether you should break up with this man is YOU.

People impose arbitrary dealbreakers all the time. We can quibble about which ones are reasonable and which ones aren’t, but ultimately, it’s subjective. And my subjective judgment probably doesn’t mean all that much to you if you feel sexually deprived if you’re not having sex 5 times a week.

Listen, you’re not alone. In the past month, I’ve had two clients tell me, point-blank, that nightly sex was important to them and has been a dealbreaker for them before. That’s their right. It’s also my right to point out that it’s a lot easier to find a guy with a high libido than it is to find a guy who is marriage material. If you have to choose one to marry, I’d choose the guy who is marriage material. But that’s just me.

Alas, the invariable blowback from the gallery is “Why should I have to choose? Why can’t I get BOTH? Why do I have to compromise on something so important to me?”

And that’s where sex is really no different than any other dealbreaker: height, weight, age, education, income, sense of humor, geography, kids, blahblahbah. People who are looking to get married must realize that you don’t get EVERY SINGLE quality you’re looking for in a partner, but if you get most of them, you’re a very lucky person. My wife and I have similar libidos – closer to your boyfriend, for what it’s worth – so this is one thing that we didn’t have to compromise on. But we did compromise on religion, politics, geography, education, and a host of other things. This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

This is what adults do – assess realistic expectations and either adjust or stay true to your list of demands.

If you are insistent upon your partner having any quality that may be somewhat extreme – a man with a PhD (3%), a man who is a millionaire (4%), a man who runs marathons (.1%), etc – you are CHOOSING to limit your dating pool. There’s no judgment on you; but it will, by definition, take you a lot longer to find love.

One final point that you seem to have missed is this: you feeling lonely and rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex is YOUR decision. He’s still your boyfriend. He’s still attracted to you. He still sleeps with you. He just has a different biological makeup. It’s like being a chef who gets angry that his patrons don’t want to eat at 1pm after he just fed them a big lunch at 12pm. You can’t take this personally.

So once that’s off your head – and you stop judging him and judging yourself because you’re different, ask yourself: can I find happiness with this man or is sex important enough that I will continue searching for the man who a) can give it to me every night and b) also has all of the wonderful qualities of your current boyfriend.

You’re not wrong whichever way you choose, but it’s clear that the path of accepting your normal boyfriend is a surer route to a healthy relationship than blowing things up for a random guy with an equally high sex drive and keeping your fingers crossed that you’ll also love him VERY, VERY much.

Unless YOU don’t think so, in which case, I wish you the best of luck.

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Comments:

  1. 151
    kp

    the reeling i do at night, googling, after a gut-wrenching “smooch” which leaves the answer to sex all too obvious… is wonder if i am with a closeted partner? am i too curvy? why can’t he just touch me, not just sex, but touch, time… it’s like i am with the real life anchorman who is constantly joking about sex, but doesn’t have it. it sucks because my self-esteem is tanking fast. i constantly feel myself questioning  if my instincts are awful or if i am just unlucky. i, too, ADORE my boyfriend. except this is killing that spark. not even trying to engage. it’s tragic. and shameful to talk about, as women, this makes us feel worse, to be shamed. his lack of intimacy is NOT my fault, nor should i be made to feel i am asking for more than my share of happiness. we have an egalitarian and reciprocal atmosphere, but i feel rejected physically. that’s HUGE. intimacy is the most important thing and if one partner feels shut out and down, all sorts of problems arise. it erodes all the great aspects! it’s not a petty resentment to need touch as a human being.

  2. 152
    misty

    My boyfriend has a very high sex drive. he wants it more than 4 or 5 times a day!!!  I did agree to at least once a day and he is still yellling and screaming at me and threatening to leave me.

  3. 153
    vickster

    The reason why they may have low sex drives with their girlfriends or wife’s cause they are a bunch of wankers.who probably just finds to watch porn sites much easier than making real effort with their partners. Otherwise they must be not well at all.

  4. 154
    sexuallyfrustrated

    I’m 37 and my boyfriend is 34.  I hit the gym and stay in shape whereas he’s a couch potato with an ever-growing gut. We’ve been together for a couple of years and we don’t live together.  I want sex as much as we can when we see each other on the weekends.  He’s fine with none or once a week.  I don’t get it.  I have guys in their early twenties hitting on me who would love to have sex with me.  Of course, I’m committed and would never dream of it, especially with someone that much younger.  It’s just hard to understand that other guys want me, but my boyfriend could take it or leave it.  I, too, feel lonely and heartbroken when he isn’t smitten with me and all over me.  I’ve come to have lower expectations of quantity of sex.

    1. 154.1
      anon

      Why are you committed to someone who makes you unhappy?  You don’t have kids, you aren’t married.  Why are you staying?

  5. 155
    Ibett

    My bf and I have been dating 6 years and recently moved in with each their. We have sex three times a month now if I’m lucky.. I communicate my needs but he brushes them off and I often feel neglected to the point of tears. I enjoyed reading this post

  6. 156
    LoyalT1987

    I’m the kind of guy that would be more than happy with sex every single day. I admit that I have  a high sex drive. I always have had one. I’ve been diagnosed bi-polar, and us bi-polar folks generally have pretty high sex drives. Just a symptom of the illness. I’m almost 29 and can go at it like I’m still a teenager. Doing it three times a day is nothing to me.

    I’ve been with my girlfriend, now fiancee, for three years. If I’m lucky I’ll get sex four times a month. My expectations are not unrealistic. I don’t expect her to be up for sex every single night. I accept that she works, I work, and maybe she’s stressed out and/or just not in the mood. I would love it twice a week. I don’t think that’s unfair at all. I have two hands that can take care of the need otherwise. It’s not like I don’t make it enjoyable for her. I’ll go down on her, touch her, and do any of the positions she enjoys regardless if I’m tired or getting fatigued. When we do have sex, it’s amazing.

    The issue I have is that she used to want sex more frequently than I did and now seems completely uninterested in it. She would stop by on her lunch break for a quickie. She would come into the living room and go down on me completely at random. She would put on sexy outfits or role play with me frequently. It’s one thing to have mismatched libidos from the very start and try to make it work. It’s completely another when you’re together for a year and she can’t keep her hands off you, and then it seems like she just doesn’t want it anymore. I understand the whole honeymoon phase and how it wears off eventfully and so on, but I don’t feel that a high craving for sex has any effect on the honeymoon phase. Three years into this relationship and I still want her as frequently as I always have.

    I try not to take it personally, but I don’t know how not to. Having sex once a week or once every week and a half is not something that makes me happy. I’m thoroughly confused as to what the issue is. It’s not like I’m a lazy guy, either. I work a job, I take care of the dog practically single-handedly, I do laundry )hers and mine), I vacuum, I mop, I clean house, I do the dishes, occasionally cook, make the bed every morning, dust, jot down the finances in an Excel spreadsheet every week, and the list goes on. I have lost weight since we first met also. She has gained some, but it’s not like I ever tell her that or make fun of her appearance in any way. I try every day to let her know I think she’s beautiful. I’ve surprised her with flowers, just-because gifts, notes written on the bathroom mirror, on a chalkboard, surprise emails, surprise phone calls while she’s at work just to tell her I love her. It’s not like I’m some lazy couch potato watches as she does all of the housework and then thinks I’m going to get some action after not showering for a few days and being a complete lazy sack of crap.

     

    I’m not perfect by any means. But I do think that I’m a good man whose family showed him how to be a good man and how to properly treat a woman. I take care of her physically and emotionally as best I can. Sore neck? I rub it. Sore foot? I’ll rub those, too. There was a time she would have me lay down and give me back rubs. I can count on one hand how often that’s happened in the last three years. Have we fought about what I feel is a lack of sex? Of course. We’ve fought about it numerous times. She says she feels pressured to do it, which I say I don’t understand. I don’t sit down with her and say, “Come on, let’s do it.” I very rarely bring it up. When I do, it’s because I’m at the point where I would really like to do it and the lack of it is so profound that I’m constantly noticing how little of it there is. I may approach her about it once a week. I don’t see how me being confused and feeling rejected is putting pressure on her. I sense an overall lack of effort on her part. Is it enough to make me consider leaving her? Yes, it is.

    It’s not just about sex. Sex is only the catalyst for what it really means to me. It indicates a total lack of effort or interest. How can I continue to make the effort, to show her I love her, to show her I’m still into her after three years when it’s rarely reciprocated? I can’t tell you the last time I was woken up by sex or oral. It used to happen pretty frequently. Now she’ll get up in the morning, sometimes hours before me, and will sit in front of the TV until I get up. She’ll greet me, and then it’s back to the TV. I go some days just noticing all of the times that she could initiate it with me, that she could take 30 minutes and just give me something that helps me feel that deep connection to her. It’s not like we don’t have time. All day Saturday and Sunday and most week nights. Seems to me she’d rather watch 5-hour blocks of TV shows than take a half an hour and put in some actual work.

    1. 156.1
      Bill Ballsac

      I feel EXACTLY the same way brother. I am living nearly the same life. I have the same experience.  She was all horny the first few years of our relationship,  I thought I had found the one for me, but as soon as we moved in together, it dropped like a rock. I bought a house for us, fixed her car many times including fixing her AC to the tune of  $1000.00. I got her a boob job. To be clear SHE wanted it, i actually tried to talk her out of it. In the end i hoped it would help her self confidence,  and might get her back to a hornyer woman she had been.  I do love her new tits however… when I get to play with them. I cook gourmet meals nearly every night,  I am funny, entertaining,  and told by many wemen, that I am very sexy. Add to that I am rather well endowed, and have been told by nearly every woman I have ever been with, that I am a great lover… what is a girl not to like? Well that is what my current girlfriend USED to say. I was the only guy to give her an orgasm regularly. I thought I had it made. I am in my 50’size now, I have spent my whole life looking for that woman. She is out there, but sadly,  it turns out this one is not it. Yes I love her, she is a great lover when she wants sex, that used to be 3 times a day even (not every day 3 times, but sometimes) 2 times a day was not unusual,  I could count on her WANTING sex at least once a day. He’ll I didn’t even have to ask. Not now… oh well it was great while it lasted…..

  7. 157
    Bill Ballsac

    To the woman who asked this to start with and to all you other sex loving ladies.  First off I want to say “I love you!!” DO NOT settle,  I did, I settled for nearly 30+ years, I compromised,  I tried to talk to my wives  ( I have had 2 now) I went to counseling for myself to see if I had a screw loose because of my high sex drive, (it was determined, I in fact do not have a screw loose, I just love sex, and there is not one thing wrong with that!) I talked to my girlfriends,  I went to couple counseling,  my wife and I even went to a Dr to see if there was something physically wrong with her. (There was not, I am rather well endowed,  so after my wife had her first baby, sex was better for her, she never liked it as much as I do) ultimately the end result was I have been married twice, I have been divorced twice. I doubt I will ever marry again. I have always had either a wife or girlfriend, a few times I had both at the same time. DO NOT JUDGE me, it actually helped my marriage,  because it took care of my needs that my wife was unable to take care of. I am telling you this as a cautionary tail. You see for one to have an affair,  one must have a willing partner. The best lovers are the ones who have as much to lose as you. The VERY BEST lovers are the ones who, like you ladies,  are left still feeling “hungry” at home. My point is this, if your not getting “enough to eat” at home, sooner or later you will get so hungry that you will stoop to “dumpster diving” to get what you need. Here is how it will feel. It will be incredibly EXCITING,  in fact at first it will be so exciting,  you won’t even need to meet the person to do anything physical  (I am presuming your on the Web with this statement.) It will feel so good that it won’t be long and you will HAVE to meet this person. When you do you will feel like a teen on your very first date, you will be filled with adrenaline,  twitching in all the right places. Then you will suddenly have a moment of fear, guilt, you might even call it off… the first time. You WILL be back, because once you crossed that line you will go back because it feels SO GOOD to feel wanted! Once you are able to push that guilt aside, you will begin to have what can only be described as the BEST sex of your life! And it will be good, it will be very hot and sexy, and it will be fast! When it is done, you will instantly regret it,  you might even feel physically I’ll. You will go home and you will be positive your spouse knows, he/she more then likely is clueless,  (at this point, this will change later) you will see the love and warmth in there eyes, you will feel horrible,  you will feel like an asshole. You will sware to yourself,  that you will never do that again… but you will. Each time it will follow the same pattern,  however it will get easier to push the guilt away before,  during,  and after. However the excitement will fade as well.  Eventually,  if you have covered your tracks properly so you don’t get caught, you will both quietly break it off. You will breath a sigh of relief,  but it won’t be long and the excitement of a new lover will fire that all back up. It will be very exciting again,  but the guilt you had felt will have faded,  because you got away with it before… it didn’t hurt your spouse,  it maybe even helped (truly it can) so you will quickly justify it, and the hunt will begin again.

    I guess I am trying to tell all of you sexual ladies,  there is nothing wrong with you, you have needs, they are honest,  important needs. One will always get what one needs, better to have someone who has the same needs a you.  So yes I am living proof, it is a deal breaker…. listen,  I am single,  I still have a very high sex drive, I own a home, a car, and RV etc. And I am still “gifted” as one lover put it…. come see me… we will both be happy!

  8. 158
    NuttyNick86

    RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!!

    Sex is one of the most important parts of a relationship, and you will NEVER be completely happy and satisfied if your boyfriend is a dud that hardly ever wants to have sex with you. I have had a low sex drive partner before and didn’t stick around for long which was the best decision I made! You need a man that can satisfy you intellectually, emotionally and physically. You can compromise with other factors but not those. I found a great guy that satisfied me in every way shortly after. People forget that there are literally BILLIONS of men out there and with positive thinking and determination, you will find your Mr Right guaranteed! Also, how old you are makes NO difference! It’s never too late and you should never settle! I can’t think of anything worse than a guy who only has sex with me once a week, my frustration would turn me into a monster if I was in that situation!

  9. 159
    Blonde99

    I am in a similar quandary.   I am 39 and my fiancée is 46.  He suffers from situational ejaculatory incompetence.  He can only orgasm by way of his own hand.   Basically our entire sex life is him masturbating on me and its just plain horrible.  We have tried it all he can’t even get off with his hand over mine.   He’s an average lover otherwise and can get erect but there is zero intimacy.  He shuts his eyes and it’s like I’m not even there.  There is very little info out there on this disorder but every doctor has told him it’s both anxiety and age related.  He won’t seek counseling and does not care that I want him to.   He thinks and many doctors think I should just settle for this  because it’s an otherwise great relationship.   I have a very high sex drive and am a lot more experienced and open to new things.   I know that maybe in ten years I will be in menopause and not care but that’s ten years! There is no passion he is like my best friend but that’s it.  I thought if we worked at  it it would be fixed but it cannot.  He’s struggled with this all his life and only ejaculated once or twice with other partners in his life.   It is a deal breaker.   I do not enjoy sec with him.  I think it’s one thing if you are already married then you work on it.  But knowingly going into a marriage where you won’t be sexually satisfied is a bad idea.  I have also been like the writer and dated men with a lot lower sex drives than me and I’ve ended those relationships.   I think sexual  compatibility is critical to a relationship and it’s a sure set up for failed marriages and cheating.  I prefer sex daily.  Now I’m getting bad sex a few times a month at most!

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