Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,

Laura

Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-“, “He says he loves me, but-“, “We had an amazing date, but-“. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We’ve got a different truth.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 301
    Josh

    Personally, I found this whole thing a little depressing, and I’m a man! Certainly not all of us are interested in just sex and maybe/maybe not something long term. I am a little concerned that women will read this and be suspicious of all of us now.
    Someone mentioned waiting months before sex. If a woman did that with me I would feel pretty certain she was not really interested.
    Good discussion though!

  2. 302
    LuAnne

    “The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing.”
    How one can know when the time is right?
     

  3. 303
    Sickened

    This article paints men as childish users, and women should just deal with it. Makes me want to become a nun and swear off men and all of their games. I know some women play games as well, but oh I am going to sleep with you until someone better comes along and you really don’t have a reason to be upset about this. Truly sickening.

  4. 304
    judy

    This is all very nice for both sexes – I’m assuming that both men and women have feelings. 
    However, why go to a prostitute? You can have sex for free with the women can’t you (while making your mind up?????)
     
     

  5. 305
    hunter

    …..judy, go ahead and say it…how do men have frequent sex for free??..

  6. 306
    Sparkling Emerald

    Hunter #310 –
       Because free* sex is flowing like tap water.  I’m surprised hookers can stay in business.
       Free * meaning not only no cash outlay, but no effort, no commitment, no promises, no nothin’.
     

  7. 307
    hunter

    ….hhmmmhh..most men have heard those two sentences, ever since the invention of the pill…any specifics that you can point out??..most men look for frequent sex, not once every month and a half……or every two months…

  8. 308
    Logs

    Evan’s answer may be right for most men but not all. There are men out there (myself included) who look for love first before sex. The “hunt” is not that important.
    So don;t be disheartened; just find the right guy. Don’t give yourself away in fear of losing him. If he is really into you, he will hang around.
     
    And for heaven’s sake, use your common sense. In our western society, we don’t really look farther into the future and ask the important question: “will this work for the long term?” I am talking about careers, tastes, age, location, etc, etc….
    In the name of living in the moment, we make wrong choices. Nothing wrong with living in the moment; if that’s what you want. But don’t make an “in the moment decision” and expect it to be a good long term solution at the same time.

    Cheers.

    1. 308.1
      D.

      Logs:
      Phew!! Thank goodness.  
      Yay. :)
       
      Ps. Still you are a minority we wish that wasn’t the case.  

    2. 308.2
      D.

      Oh and really good point/post about our have-it-all now society and then we wonder why things don’t last?
      Some of the messages of modern movements of freedom and spirituality have gotten adulterated a bit.  

  9. 309
    Star

    This blog post, and some of the male responses to it just make me feel like men are pure and simply monsters and beasts to protect myself from.
    Even though I know deep down there are decent men out there….somewhere….the ones who think some women are just sexual fodder make me feel disgust.
    I don’t go for men who sleep around just because the pussy-platter is free…I’m not attracted to men with that mindset. Number 1, I don’t want to catch an STD, and 2, a man who actually has some decency, self-control and real standards would be refreshing.
     

  10. 310
    hunter

    @star#314,
     
    …the kind of man you describe/seek does exist, they stay in their own little circles, in smaller pools, amidst the “ocean” of men…

  11. 311
    Scott

    In part this comes back to the alpha / beta distinction.  Becaues I suspect willingness to wait for sex is not completely independent of perceived ability to obtain sex.  In other words, if the guy is attractive and knows it, has confidence and has a history of success with women, then he is probably less likely to wait a long time for sex (in many cases, in part because he is sitll having sex with other women while he is waiting for sex from his long-term prospect).  Guys who lack confidence and do not have a history of success with women are more likely to wait, and to not have sex with other women while they wait.  That doesn’t mean women should not require that men wait for sex.  It just means that if you ask him to wait, and he does, then there is an increased chance that he is either sleeping with other women while he is waiting for you, or that he may not be as confident as you might hope or expect him to be.

  12. 312
    Rose

    I don’t buy the alpha/beta theory which was based on wolves on captivity I believe if my memory serves me correctly.So flawed as in a false enviroment.
    Wolves in their natural enviroment do not behave the same as in captivity and the Alpha wolves pair bond with thie mates I believe. Will try and find article on these theories and post for everyone to make their own minds up about this Alpha/Beta theory.
    Then of course you have that we are not wolves we are human. And that human babies are dependant on their adult cargivers for a long period of time and children thrive best in a loving family unit. So a man having sex with a lot of women and risking being a father to several or more is not a good bet for mate and Father material for various reasons.

  13. 314
    K

    @Scott 316 I generally agree with you, that men who are attractive and can get sex are less likely to wait.  However the ability doesn’t necessary mean someone doesn’t have another agenda.  I could make a lot more money if I find a new job, I have that ability.  But I’m wiling to be paid less, because my current job is comfortable and I like my lifestyle here.  I have a less attractive friend who will wait to have sex because he doesn’t have a lot of options.  I have a very attractive friend who has plenty of options in getting sex.  However he doesn’t often meet women he finds hot/smart/nice that he’s genuinely excited about.  On the rare occasion he meets one of those he’s pretty willing to wait (within reason) and avoids doing things that would jeopardize that opportunity.  If he’s meh about a woman he definitely won’t wait because there are plenty of other meh women (e.g. maybe hot, but too crazy to actually be in a relationship with) that he can pursue.  Or he may keep that woman in the rotation.

  14. 315
    judy

    Hunter, if that was an invitation, I’ll pick it up, yes.  I know that there are good caring men out there who share sex and love.
    And I know there are men (and women) who just want sex.
    How do they get it for free? Answer, they don’t pay for it, right? (Or maybe, with unprotected sex, AIDS, and the wheel turning round, they do).
     

  15. 316
    judy

    Hunter and a second thought: yes, and I know that women can get sex for free too.
    Some men and some women have a different modus operandi. 
    What a sad old world when all you can have is just sex, and no strings.  Or maybe it isn’t.
    But it sure puts the prostitutes out of business.
     

  16. 317
    hunter

    @judy#320,321,
    ….there are herds of men at most bars on friday and saturday nights, looking for frequent sex, that, would like to know how to have sex,  with a woman, without paying any money (free)…….
     

  17. 318
    judy

    Hunter – sorry if I caused offence.  By free I meant, low cost.  These guys you mention looking for frequent sex often get it, by more or less willing women (some naïve, some desperate, some sex starved) for the price of one or two glasses of wine.
    What do I know? I’m but a woman, who usually says no.
    Waiting for the man who knows how to treat a woman with respect and love.  Because if offering me sex for the price of two glasses of wine, this is really low class and yes, almost free.

    1. 318.1
      Jamie

      If men really find love in sex, and women find sex in love…it’s just to healthy or safe to sleep around. And every online guy I’ve chatted it up with, they can’t even manage to have a civil conversation…they always twist the conversation into sex.

  18. 319
    hunter

    @judy#323,
     
    …no offense taken…there are more women out there that say no, just like you…contributing to the herds of men at clubs and bars on friday and saturday nights…

  19. 320
    Jim

    I will just be very happy to meet a good woman that will Accept me for who i am.

  20. 321
    judy

    Jim 325 – she’s out there somewhere.  There are good men and good women still, believe it or not.
    We just have to find the right one.
    If she doesn’t accept you as you are, move on.  (Goes for women too – if a man wants me to change too much – chances are he doesn’t want me).  I’m not saying I won’t adjust (done that) but too much is too much.

  21. 322
    hunter

    #325
    jim, just have to keep trying, one out of ten women you ask will accept you as you are, the ratio is 1:10. 

  22. 323
    Sparkling Emerald

    On the whole accepting you as you are, I was out with one of my friends who is in her 60’s, just recently re-married, and she told me that the GREAT thing about relationships at her age, is that BOTH people know that they aren’t going to change each other at this age, and accept each other as is.  I really hope she is right.  I’m not looking for a perfect guy, just a good fit FOR ME.  Just hoping to find someone who can accept me, flaws and all !

  23. 324
    hunter

    #326,
     
    I think..most men hope and pray a women doesn’t change …most women are out to change men…..isn’t that how it goes??

  24. 325
    judy

    Hunter 329 – I read your comment with interest.  However, personally, I don’t belong to the “women are out to change men” category.  What I look for in a man is decisiveness/masculinity.  Sometimes, it’s easy.  Sometimes, it isn’t easy to identify if the man is just sensitive/shy OR just disinterested/passive or slightly more feminine, for lack of another word.
    But please elaborate, for us women out here. 
    Why would  “most men hope a pray a woman doesn’t change???”
     

  25. 326
    LC

    This is why I no longer date.  Men will say anything to get you into bed, and it’s just plain depressing that they never, ever want a relationship until they’ve lost all of their hair or have screwed as many girls as they possibly can.  No, thank you.

    1. 326.1
      Jamie

      “Men will say anything to get you into bed” ain’t that the truth!

  26. 327
    Henriette

    @LC 326.  I’m truly sorry that this has been your experience. I can see you feel hurt and jaded because of the men you’ve encountered and I can’t blame you.
     
    However, I can assure you that my experience has differed from yours.  SOME men have tried unscrupulous means to get me into bed but they’ve never succeeded.  All the men I’ve ever slept with have been boyfriends who genuinely wanted to see where a relationship with me would lead. 
     
    I’m 43 yrs-old and single so clearly these were not ideal romances in many other ways; I’m certainly not trying to act as though I have all the answers.   But I do hope you’ll take my word for the fact that not ALL men will “say anything to get you into bed” and not ALL guys want to “screw as many girls as they possibly can” until their hair falls out.   There are some good, kind, honest fellows “out there” and if we follow Evan’s advice, we will have a better chance of meeting and holding on to them.  Hugs and best of luck to you (and to all of us!)

  27. 328
    N

    You can’t have the benefits of a relationship and none of the responsibility.

    “Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy.”

    That’s exactly the point of view of the woman you’re sleeping with that you aren’t actually interested in having a relationship with (knowing perfectly well that it’s what she is aiming for). So AFTER we’ve been treated in such a skeezy manner, we feel used and sad, and have lower self-esteem.

    “Because there’s no challenge and no human connection.”

    I get the human connection part. I don’t get the challenge part. If you’re just trying to get a girl to sleep with you, pull a Barney Stinson and pick someone up at a bar for the night. Don’t play with our heads and hearts and call it your “challenge.” Then you really are the bad guy.

    “Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.”

    That’s a best friend. Best girl friend + sleeping together = relationship. This is the worst way of messing with us, because you treat us like a best friend/girlfriend and get our hearts and logical understanding of things involved, then pull a 180. We shouldn’t have to scrutinize every word and look like, “He completely acts like we are so close but he never technically SAID we’re together…” Expecting that from us is unfair, selfish, controlling, immature, game-playing, and callous. (Besides, isn’t there a stigma that women over-analyze? This is why we do it! Men who say what they think at the moment but don’t really mean it are being irresponsible. Don’t blame us for taking you at face value, and then ridicule us for trying to understand the details.)

    1. 328.1
      D.

      Exactly!! 
      Well said.  

  28. 329
    Jamie

    Really Evan? So, you said “men look for sex and find love.” If that’s the case, us woman have to in turn be sluts and sleep around with every Tom Dick and Harry to find love?

    1. 329.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      @Jamie – Why don’t you try reading the article instead of reacting to the headline? That’s not at all what I said.

  29. 330
    Brit

    Women always seem to want something for sex (an arrangement of some kind). Men don’t want anything for sex usually. Men don’t want a woman that is seeing other men. Same for women. Most men want a woman that is devoted to them, spontaneous sexually and submissive. I really don’t think a man can have a good relationship with a woman that is frigid acting or open to other men sexually. Most men go out with other women because their current girl is frigid or unimaginative sexually or uses sex a some type of leverage tool. One lady on this site mentioned that women should see other men so that they don’t attach to one man and get to committed?? This is exactly what men don’t want.

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