Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,

Laura

Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-“, “He says he loves me, but-“, “We had an amazing date, but-“. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We’ve got a different truth.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

290
134

Join 7 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (427 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 331
    RV

    Paraphrasing Evan Marc Katz: Just because he has fun with you, and shows you a good time, it doesn’t mean he actually is interested or wants you as his girlfriend. He is just being in the moment.
    As a woman I believe us women hold all the power before marriage. A man can not hold my hand or kiss me or do anything sexual with me unless I allow it. From my personal experience of dating, there are many men out there that are willing to wait a very long time for sex, even ones who had sex with other women and shacked up with other women.  
    I think for some men actually looking for marriage it is a breathe of fresh air when a woman allows a man to court her and treat her like a lady and wait and earn her love. So many other women have such low standards for how they should be treated. I waited for marriage to have sex in my late 30″s. We were  divorced and was not a virgin btw. I was dating and then engaged and the man I was with waited a year and a half. Guys who are sexually experienced will wait for sex. When a man really really likes you and considers you marriage material he becomes very honorable with his future wife. I absolutely love sex so we resorted to sexual things that did not involve me giving away my heart and body to man that did not want commitment yet.
    There was a feminist I was talking to who told me that it was such a positive thing that in todays modern world, prostitution is obsolete because now men can go on dates with women and get sex. I think this is sad and I think women treat themselves like trash and then blame men when they give up all their power in relation to men. . If a man has not given you commitment – he is willing to lie down his life for you and make you his wife don’t give your heart including your soul and body to him. Us women deserve dignity and love. Many men are willing to rise to the occasion and treat a woman who has standards with respect. Let him get to know You – your beauty, uniqueness, your specialness, your soul and wait until you are truly loved and respected before having sex with a guy if giving sex is going to hurt once he dumps you because you were not the one for him.

    1. 331.1
      SFV

      It’s hard. Damn if we do damn if we don’t. If we don’t put out, we miss out on the fun of being sexual… oh well, maybe it’s better than getting used for your vagina. Getting stds and getting pregnant while the man just walks away like nothing happend.

  2. 332
    AW

    Much more women nowadays are the one sleeping with so many different types of men, and just don’t know how to commit to just only one.

  3. 333
    D.

    What bothers me about this post and the underlying theme/reality, is the complete utter lack of responsibility taking for anything that happens from the man’s position, based on your reasoning Evan.  And I’m sure you’re right but it is so wrong!  What it boils down to is that despite all the stereotypes, men play far more games with love and sex than women do (even though I already knew that).   And to get your attention, many of us have to play them (bleh!).               A cake and eat it too (and not get fat) syndrome. 
    What you’re saying is that you as a man and men, don’t want to have to stop playing around whilst looking for love even if it means hurting women, yet you cannot be honest about your desire to have sex regardless of true interest level, because it will sabotage the possibility of getting laid?!?  o_O!
    If you’re honest, then it cuts down the likelihood of getting laid so you either lie or omit the truth about what you are really wanting in that moment, thus leading the woman on so YOU (the man) can get what YOU want in that moment regardless of anything else.  When YOU decide you are through and they’re not the one despite having feigned interest up to then, your onto the next woman and often the previous woman gets really hurt.   Lame. 
    This is why having relationships with so many men, esp.  American men are difficult.  Because of this idea that it all has to fit the man’s criteria or it’s a no go.  And thanks to the not-so-great by-products of the sexual liberation movement of the 70’s…sleeping with men is almost expected within a short period of time otherwise men move on fast.  Forget real courting  or romance…that’s passe’.  Promiscuity has become the expected ‘norm’ for modern sexual relationships and as a result, some women have gotten ripped off because we’re expected and told and taught and cajoled and pressured and convinced* into having sex earlier (*along with our own raging libidos helping us make stupid decisions) and more often as if it will actually lead to something real and yet….It usually doesn’t and we don’t always come away with anything but a sore ass! 
    Sigh. 
    While I appreciate a lot of your insight and honesty, this post harks upon the very crux of male entitlement, emotional impotency and the lack of selflessness in a lot of men in context to relationships and why so many women struggle with them.  Ultimately the short-sighted desires of men’s sexual needs being filled, not only hurts women and society in general but it deprives men of real authentic and INTIMATE relationships that could really fulfill their needs, all because they just had to get laid.  Duh….

    1. 333.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re assuming it’s a “game”, D. It’s not. You’re putting the onus on men to protect your heart. I’m putting the onus on you to not sleep with any man until you have established that you’re in a relationship. So, between controlling men and controlling yourself, which is going to be more effective? That’s right. Please don’t shoot the messenger. All I’m telling you is that men feel lust towards you before they feel love. I don’t know what is surprising about that. It’s up to YOU to make smart decisions instead of blaming men for their biological urges and hoping that they deny them on your behalf.

  4. 334
    D.

    I hear you on being the messenger, it’s just that the article went beyond just delivering the message and seemed to make it sound acceptable or provide an excuse for this kind of behavior and that it’s all up to women to work around it; WE just have to accept this.  If we don’t, somehow it’s because WE made a bad decision rather than WE were duped or played?  Nah…
    I think you missed a lot of my good points which addressed yours that followed.
    I totally agree that it’s up to us to make good decisions and not sleep with anyone until it feels right or makes sense.  Part of how we get hurt is by ignoring our instincts; Nothing in this culture encourages us to trust ourselves as women, and we are not islands.  Took me awhile to learn that one.  But that doesn’t take into account the very thing you’re talking about, how men will lie and aren’t often forthcoming about their intentions if they think it will sabotage their chances of having sex, even IF they aren’t interested in a relationship.  Therefore confusing our instincts and ability TO make good decisions.  Believe me Evan, this is VERY real.  
    With this paradigm you’re talking about above, it’s really hard to find someone to connect with where it doesn’t entail some element of upfront on-demand, sexual expectations and without it,  many relations rarely take flight in this day and age.  So for a healthy woman who is avoiding being used for sex or just plain disappointed yet again after opening herself up, it can be a LONG difficult time until we find a really good guy to really see us, be with us without there always being an agenda for sex.  (plus the sex is better for US once you care about us).  
    I’m in my early 40’s…lived a LOT of life and exposed to a lot of different things people and eras/genres/movements and as I age I am starting to really look at things clearer and see how messed up relations are, esp. in the gen-x generations and younger.  Some of the realizations are that yes it’s up to me to make good decisions and NOT be with unhealthy men, that onus IS on me.  I can read people a lot better and faster than I ever could thereby saving myself a lot of grief…or maybe I’m just really listening to my instincts now ;)  
    But it STILL doesn’t take away the respectable responsible thing to do when dating someone, and that is, to tell the truth as much as one is brave enough to so the other won’t get led on falsely or feel used.  
    Thing is Evan…and I am really wondering about this.  The possibility of NOT meeting a messed up, emotionally unavailable man-boy to date and love and not just screw…has REALLLLY dwindled.  The dating pool shallows when you really stick to your guns and use discernment to weed out the unhealthy people and make good decisions beyond your blinding hormones.  
    So with that I wonder….are they out there?  With all these caveats, how small does that percentage shrink to?  And of course, I have to match their needs which shrinks the pool even smaller.  Egads! :o

    Oh and I don’t think it’s a game at all Evan, in fact quite the contrary for me personally.  I just notice that there are so many bizarre rules and supposed-to’s, to contend with while getting to know a guy and not scare him off and it’s true because many men are easily scared off: (Don’t be too promiscuous if you want him to respect you, don’t be too prudish if you want his attention, don’t call right away, don’t be too eager, don’t be too unavailable or cold, don’t be too opinionated, don’t be too aggressive, don’t be a wallflower, shave this shave that, wear this, don’t wear that…etc etc…pant pant….ahhhh!) Oy!  Hahah…I’m pooped and I’m only mid-age!  
    Why can’t men accommodate us for a change?  Why can’t men be a little more selfless and giving or did the last 40 years change all of that?  :?
    I hear what you’re saying, but please consider what I am saying also.  And thanks for conversing :)

    1. 334.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      I hear you, but you’re very much stuck in your story. Your story = men are wrong for being the way they are. This is not true. It’s black and white thinking. It’s disempowering. It’s not helping you find love. Let’s establish the following as true:

      Men look for sex and find love. This doesn’t mean that men are bad, wrong, evil, users, players, liars or anything else. It just means that he will sleep with a total stranger and not have any idea if that total stranger is going to be the love of his life. So when you say, “men should tell the truth”, what exactly are you suggesting? That at the end of the second date, when he’s making the moves on you, he should stop and say something like, “Hey, before we do this, I’m really attracted to you, but I have no idea if I see you as my girlfriend?” That’s patently ridiculous. And so…

      You have to ASSUME that what I’m saying is true. And if you assume that all men (even good, relationship oriented men like me) are interested in pursuing sex before they know if they love you, it becomes incumbent upon YOU to figure out if he’s for real.

      The best way to do this – according to my book Why He Disappeared – is to not have sex with a man outside of a relationship and to use foreplay liberally for a good month while you’re BOTH trying to figure out your status. And that’s the thing that gets me the most about these “he’s using me/I’m a victim” type posts. YOU should want to take your time to determine if you want him as a boyfriend; it shouldn’t just be presumed that you’re waiting for him to choose you.

      So, my friend, there is no greater amount of messed up emotionally unavailable guys than there are women. You just happen to date men, that’s all. And by ending your post on “why can’t men accommodate us for a change”, you’re completely forgetting that, if we’re to be in a relationship with you, we are ALWAYS accommodating you. The ones who don’t will not get to be with you. Pretty simple in my book.

  5. 335
    D.

    Honestly, I’m surprised.  It doesn’t seem like you are reading/considering my comments clearly because you then say things that are inaccurate and label me.  For instance, I never said men are bad or evil because they want to sleep with us nor did I imply that.  I do see their VERY sexual natures, it’s just hard to live with sometimes(to be factual, man’s sexual nature/drive affects the entire world, but that’s another topic).  I never said, I was a victim nor do I feel like one. That’s rude to tag me with that assumption/label.  I take full responsibility for all the men I’ve dated and slept with, painfully and honestly.  It still doesn’t make it easy to find love because of the points I made above.  And I never said they should tell us something so specific by the second date or whatever- it’s assumed by most intelligent people that the dating process is, in a sense, an investigation process of getting to know someone to see if they could be your companion.  But many men lie in the process of trying to bed a woman and there’s only so much you can do in the face of deception ( yes I know women lie too, also no bueno).  I’m not making this up Evan…I’m also a messenger. 
    I am giving you credence and yet it feels like you aren’t giving me much.  I feel like you’re stuck in YOUR story of expertise so much that you cannot consider what I’m saying, what this woman’s experience is telling you, because you’re in ‘fix the woman’ mode. I know I’m not perfect but I do have some knowledge.  :) 
    I take responsibility for my actions and do not blame the man if I sleep with him, it’s my weakness half the time.  BUT as I wrote, many other salient points, if they are not being honest about who they are or what they want after awhile and still sleeping me under the guise of real interest and yet there is none, that is deceptive and I do believe men should ALSO take responsibility and not deceive us to sleep with us.  It goes both ways.  That is a fair point I wished you’d consider.  For the record, I no longer do sleep with someone until I know them very well and they know me and it makes sense for my life….but that’s why it’s all the more difficult these days…. because there are less and less people willing to wait and get to know each other(court/woo) if there is no sex on the table( at that moment).  (<and this is my main point and why it has become difficult to find love in this day and age.)
    Sadly.  
    Peace. 
    It takes two to make something work well.  :)

    1. 335.1
      D.

      Oops..pardon any snfu’s or errors :P  
      Anyhow..Evan, I have thought about what you brought up and there are some good points so I’m not being black and white.  Just discussing the finer points :)  I’m already on the page of me being clearer when to move forward on a physical level and it being my responsibility, not his.  I just had a few points on that beyond the initial post. 
      It’s good that these issues are being talked about by so many on your blog, good on you for that! :) 

  6. 336
    Mike

    80% of women go for 20% of men.
    20% of men have so much options, they don’t have to commit, sex is everywhere, even ‘love’ is everywhere
    The other 80% of men are still interested in lasting relationships and in love, but women don’t want them.
    So that’s my take on this!
    Not politically correct as I mostly blame women and not men (which is politically correct, blaming men)

    1. 336.1
      Karmic Equation

      Mike,
       
      Because those 80% men are going after the top 20% women and overlooking the 80% women who could be interested in them. And let’s assume for arguments sake, that the top 40% of women are after the top 20% of men, that still leaves 60% of women for the 80% men to date. But men don’t complain about all the “beer goggle” women they got laid by, do they? They’re all hankering for the top 20%, who can get the 20% men out there, so why would those top 20% women look below them?
       
      It’s the same for BOTH sexes. Looks get you in the door. Intangibles keep you there. And unfortunately for women, no looks, no door ever. At least for men, there is hope if they have money, status, or status to offset their lack of looks to get them through a woman’s door. No such luck for women. So boo hoo for men. Not.

      1. 336.1.2
        Karmic Equation

        Thanks, Evan.
        ————
        Just noticed typo… Replace one of the “status” above with “power”

  7. 337
    Ray

    Well for a man like me, all i would want is to meet a good woman to accept me for who i am. But most women nowadays want the best, and won’t settle for less.

  8. 338
    Desi

    I’m a woman and find this to be very true from my own observations.  However, I think that as woman we learn not to take a man’s words at face value. The confusion I have is when a man is obviously possessive (does not want you to be with someone else), but still wants to play the “friend” role. As a woman, you don’t want to hurt your ‘friend’, but you don’t want to close the doors to other options. If you treat him like he is just a friend then you can mess up the potential of a LTR, but at the same time, you don’t want to wait around for him to decide what he really wants. Actions speak louder than words and if his actions are possessive and jealous, then he is sending mixed messages IMO.

  9. 339
    Evilllama

    Good luck ladies and listen to Evan and the 99.9% men of the world. You know where this “compromising” will get you ? Sitting in a doctors office having he/she handing you medication for AIDS, hepatitis, Herpes, Warts, Crabs, Syphilis, etc. You can get 10 stds even wearing a condom. Then if you do find Mr. Right your night will sound like this, “Sorry honey we can’t have sex because I have big sores all over my vagina.” I’m a tomboy and it astonishes me how my guy friends, whom have a permanent std disease, will spread it without any guilty. They just figure, “hey if she gets it I’ll just move onto the next girl.” At the same token I’ve had a few guy friends who are looking for a real LTR relationship and there is one consistency between them, they never sleep with the girls that they are dating. Grow Up Guys!!!!!!! Go date a skank like you and leave us nice girls alone. 

  10. 340
    ariferahman

    If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me?

  11. 341
    SFV

    Why can’t men just commit and be honest from the get go? That way people wouldn’t get led on and disappointed so much. I mean what’s so hard about that? If you lie to your partner, it means you never respected them in the first place and that you are a selfish pig/liar! Don’t you agree?! Take my parents, they loved each other and still probably do though I don’t know to what degree but they are certaily very moral and commited to each other. They’ve been married for about 37 years now. Married in their early twenties. I mean, just because there is temptation, doesn’t mean you have to go take a bite all the time. I mean, wow…

  12. 342
    Miryam

    What you ladies need to do.. Is play the game like he does.. Don’t be dishonest.. give in to no attachment sex.. make him feel good.. Detach yourself from and call him for a good time occasionally.. I’m telling you he’d be begging to see you.. treat him like you love him when you see him but don’t you tell him that you lovem they hate that.. he will eventually tell u he loves you..you will see.. Because for him there’s no pressure.. And don’t be afraid to try your luck date around.. enjoy the ride ladies.. I’m telling u will catch the fish..

  13. 343
    Bobby

    So to sleep with someone  and then behave like insensitive cold bitch? i trough making love is about already liking the person, have some feelings developed, romance, love..i dont sleep with anyone before i have the feelings and before the other person has a feelings as well. something is wrong with you if you think woman should behave like that.

    Also for men- if they see women on beggining as a meat  and no respect then you don’t have a respect to women at all. and only women who will play this game with you will be calculating bitches who only will manipulate with you, use you,cheat on you, divorce you when you will have no money, get sick.

  14. 344
    ratnakar shukla

    sex is important for men women both for phisiical & mental pleasure both & pair have sex may be when doing sex that other with him having sex should get satisfide this relation will be longer stonger good food & sex is must for growth having sex is like nurshing himself & the partner both

  15. 345
    HP

    If ladies were ladylike and men were gentlemen, we would still have genuine love. Now sex comes before love, putting self first comes before love and honesty doesn’t have a ranking in there at all.
    Until humans realise their version of love is all ego and nothing to do with genuine love, the sooner they will stop engaging their restless, never ending free will/ego and have integrity,  honour, commitment, loyalty and all the genuine virtues of a human that brings genuine happiness.
    When genuine love happens, there will be no need for so many blogs and forums on the endless ego/psycho excuses, justifications and unending delusions.
     

  16. 346
    Kei

    I think EMK needs to explain what guys go through to.

    When I was single and dating, at first I was naiive enough to limit my discussions to one woman at a time.  This lead to some serial heartache as woman after woman gave me the, “You’re a great guy but….” speech after 3-4 weeks.

    Lesson learned.  After that, I resorted to never take invest emotionally in a woman until she was practically begging to invest in me.  And that’s when dating actually became fun for me.  After I stopped taking women seriously.  

    My fiancee is the woman who broke that pattern.  She insisted very, very early on that she was looking to settle down and only wanted a guy who was interested in the same.  But she also told made it clear that she did like me.  No guessing games.  We didn’t sleep together for 3 months despite seeing each other every weekend.  And this was despite being quite passionate.  She wouldn’t let it escalate.  And I never pushed too hard, because I really liked her and wanted to respect her boundaries.  I knew she loved me and wanted me.  And that’s really all I cared about.  I was honestly willing to wait as long as it took.  And a lot of that was because she wasn’t gaming me.  She was absolutely honest about her interest in me.  And the value and respect she had for sex.

    But for every woman that’s complaining on here about guys who aren’t honest, let’s just say that men didn’t become that way all by themselves.  Your sisters before you taught us well.  Every guy learns somewhere along the way that if he’s honest and nice, women will dump him before they give him nookie….but not before extracting some time and money out of him on several dates.  Worse yet, he’s automatically labelled as not nice for being interested in a physical relationship too.  Because, let’s face it, good guys shouldn’t want sex at all until you’re ready, right?   But if he keeps it ambiguous (and this doesn’t mean lying…this just means avoiding actual committments), then for some reason, women will be more physical to keep him interested.

    Women say they want nice guys/good guys or what have you.  But they’ve also somehow collectively decided that good guys deserve to be denied sex and punished for the very honesty, they claim to want.  Beyond being ambiguous, the guys who flat out lie (which I consider psychopathic) actually get even further.  The only thing keeping most guys from actively lying is a sense of guilt.  Heck, most guys even feel guilty when being ambiguous sometimes.

    Forget sex.  I found it cold how a woman could laugh at your jokes, like you’re a finalist on Last Comic Standing, and call you up the next day and give you the “You’re a great guy speech…”  Have a couple of those experiences and you’ll learn very, very quickly not to take women seriously and never to invest in one until she is absolutely willing to invest in you.  

  17. 347
    PissTest

    OMG This article is ridiculous. Men need to first of all, stop flattering themselves and second of all wake up to the fact that the first thing women view you as is a sex object. ALL of my girlfriends talk about the package right off the bat. Oh yeah, we are hanging around talking about what our children will look like. GMAB. I NEVER wanted to be married or have kids – but I did travel a lot, become very well educated, successful and happy with my life. Oh, and along the way I had a good piece of ass when I wanted. Those are the facts.

    1. 347.1
      FaydedJaded

      PT @347 – I think you are a man posing as a woman.  Most women want a relationship that INCLUDES sex, but isn’t purely sexual  (IOW, has caring, affection, love, etc).  You sound like a man trolling the internet trying to convince women that they are like men, interested in sex with no strings.

  18. 348
    Malcolm

    Closer to my experience: “Women look for security and find love.”  Maybe . . .

  19. 349
    Q

    I surfed in here…check out this wave…..The more you resist the flesh, and give way to the Spirit, the sharper yours ears will be to hear, what God is really saying about that special man in your life. ” -Susan Rohrer, I think she has a book on amazon called “Is God saying he’s the one”. I saw it on pinterest and ooh wee does that hit it.  I always say “Don’t give up nothin’ you can’t afford to lose”, and you def. can’t afford to lose yourself or your pearls….as  in “Don’t cast your Pearls before swine”. If you don’t have sex with men you are dating, you won’t sweat none of it as hard, and you can walk away if need be, without given’ up something you couldn’t afford to lose, and not feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself. Just be strong, know your worth. YOU ARE WORTHY TO WAIT FOR. IF A GUY DOES NOT TREASURE YOU ENOUGH TO WAIT FOR YOU, THEN HE ISN’T THE ONE. 

  20. 350
    Christina

    To put my two cents in….

    I have dealt with this more then wanted to experience.

    On the flip side of females, if we like to consider it or not. We ultamitly determined who bares our child. Take out the fact of the potential of getting raped. Men also can get raped too. Most women don’t realize how much contole we really have to deside who’s worthy
    of our eggs.  There is many of times where women are felt we are suffocated into an ideal because our intentions at first getting involved on life sexually is much more complicated and dynamic experience then men. Most men are marketed a very ideal sexual experience though porn. The women are more intellectually stimulated sexually so there isn’t as much need for outside influence to validate exactly what brings us pleasure. Men have a lot of pressure to fit a woman’s idealism much more then a man. Men can’t fix ugly. Women can by physical transformation. Ive dated both sides. I’ve also dated actors too. Its an unlikely standard to comprehend at first since most sex and love today, the concepts are very confused and abstracted. The word of pleasure alone has almost a dark blanketed term over it culturally. In order to really identify with a person genuinely is to understand what your bringing to the table. If you want a relationship. What does at look like to you (a want). Most people don’t do things without a purpose. Get to know the persons intentions. It can be manipulating at first but if men are really looking for that chase. Be smart about it and make it worth while. Its enevidable that any ‘connection’ has a honey moon phase. Make the romance worth while. 

  21. 351
    Bacon days

    This is a never ending subject of all the wrong things. There is no right or wrong answer to anybody this because what everyone thinks is just on the individual level. You are all most definitely all not right and most definatly all wrong. Nobody really knows anything. I’m ok with that, all of you wrong people should be ok too. Only person who knows you well is you. So with that said stop being so selfish and live your lives. And to the noob who wrote this article you don’t know any better than anyone els who commented on this blig of your opinion on how things work. This ha been bacon saying I’m humble enough to recognize that any of us don’t know it all. The end.

  22. 352
    Karen

    if a person (male or female) wants to be with you, they will make an effort to be with you and not excuses. if the excuses begin…move on. It’s about self-respect and teaching people how to treat you. 

     

  23. 353
    moira

    What I really start to hate these days is that with most men, nothing means nothing. This can go to the absurdity of ‘but he asked me to marry him and then left me’ — ‘well he’s a man – if he asks you to marry him, it doesn’t mean he actually wants it”… hahaha well it’s just exaggerated, but.
    This ‘he’s just not that into you’ thing we women are being dutifully told by all dating websites and forums seems to become too easy on men’s part. I know we live in the world where communication is fast and sexual revolution makes it easy for both sexes to have fun without (almost) any consequences…. and it’s great but..it does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. At times I am just angry because there’s nothing you as a woman can demand any more , because ‘he’s a man-what did you expect? just because…, doesn’t mean ….” I know it. But IT DOES NOT MEAN it’s OK to be this way. Casuality seems great at first, then you see the other side to it. Nothing is for real. It was all in the moment. 

  24. 354
    Ktia

    If men look for sex to find love that means if a guy who has sex with me would fall in love with me.
    where do u come up with this crap.  from studies.  get out in the real world.
    i have met men who say “i need to be in love with a woman before having sex”, there are also christians who wish to hold off. 
    and guess what……..i must be very unique and special ……….but i can have sex without being in love and enjoy every bit of it and could not care less if i see the guy again or not.
    people should stop reading all this crap and get out there and experience things the way they really are.
     

    1. 354.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Nope. You just either read the title without reading the article or suffer through very poor reading comprehension. What I said is that men pursue women because they are attracted to you and want to have sex…and in the process of getting to know you, determine if they have the capacity to fall in love with you. That does NOT mean that a man would fall in love with you just because he had sex with you. In fact, it’s the complete OPPOSITE of that.

      Citing exceptions to the rule (that some women like to have unattached sex devoid of emotions, and that some Christians hold out for marriage) does not negate the idea that most guys are trying to get laid first and will determine down the road if they really truly like you.

      I don’t see what there is to argue with.

      1. 354.1.1
        starthrower68

        On the one hand, I get it because men can have sex without emotions; and I certainly wouldn’t expect him to know right away if he loves me.  But to have sex with someone you don’t know that you like?  Makes no sense to me.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          It doesn’t have to make sense to you. It happens ALL THE TIME. Men, in particular, will get drunk, and sleep with a stranger that they barely know and might not even like. Just because YOU don’t do that doesn’t mean the rest of the world operates the same way. Your better bet is to learn how the rest of the world works instead of being perpetually surprised that it doesn’t conform to your methods and beliefs.

        2. JennLee

          I think this has a lot to do with reproductive biology.  It’s not in a man’s reproductive best interests to easily become emotionally attached through sex.  Just the opposite.  In an evolutionary sense, sex is about procreation, not pleasure.  The pleasure is to encourage you to do it.  So, since it is about procreation, it is in a woman’s best interests to bond with a man she has sex with.
          We try to get the best guy we can, because biologically, this makes sense.  The better the man we get, the better the odds for our offspring.  But, it’s a double edged sword because men tend to only bond with a woman that they see as their ideal woman.
           
          Think of being on a ladder, and reaching for a man higher on the ladder, but even if you get him to father the child, he isn’t truly bonded to you because his ideal woman is higher on the ladder.  That woman who is higher on the ladder is who he is more motivated to bond with.
           
          A guy friend told me that a woman could be great in bed, and thus somebody he would want for a sex buddy, even if she isn’t very attractive to him, or even if he can’t stand her as a person.
           
          I think that is somewhat like we women will do, with the key difference being that if we don’t like a guy’s personality, but he is extremely hot, we may sleep with him just because he is so hot.  The danger is that we might start having feelings for a guy who is very wrong for us.

  25. 355
    starthrower68

    I don’t expect it to conform.  But there are parts of it I can avoid. 😉

  26. 356
    JM

    Interesting article. I would like to put a hypothetical situation out there so that women may be able to see from a certain man’s perspective. Evan, chime in if you wish.
    Guy is dating girl. He thinks that maybe the relationship is not one for long term. However, he enjoys spending time with her, cares for her and enjoys the sex. Now this guy has two options: 1. His compassionate/thoughtful/empathetic nature compels him to tell her that he enjoys his time but does not, at this time, see a LTR. However, he would like to see how things go and would like to continue having sex. Woman responds with ‘You’re a jerk who is using me and I want nothing to do with you!’ 2. He follows what other men display to him as being ‘smart’ by not telling her anything, continuing to enjoy his time with her, have sex, and then maybe break it off in an amicable way with minimal damage to both sides. The problem I see is that when this man is honest with her, he receives less rewards than if he is(I would not say lying) just enjoying his time and not forcing a conclusion. In option 1, this woman sees him as a jerk for using her instead of the truth of him being honest and not stringing her along, she could never see from his perspective. In option 2, he is treated better and can bring things to a more comfortable close. Its a dilemma that occurs, where the man has to seemingly choose where his respect goes, in option 1 it goes to her in 2 it goes to himself. You may read this as ‘option 2 is selfish’, but that choice has less damaging effects for both of them. I personally believe in option 1, because that is my nature and I believe in honesty/communication/compromise, however I wouldn’t want to hurt her and the rewards of option 2 are very enticing. The point I am trying to make is not for women or men to tell me which option to choose from, but rather that you really need to try to understand the other person’s perspective and good intentions.

  27. 357
    Not really

    Normally Evan gives out good advice, not in this case. He’s drawing from personal experience that isn’t ideal for every woman. A lot of men are looking to “hit the lottery”, settle down with someone “perfect” or even just normally out of their league (see bio and picture of Evan’s wife).

    In the mean time, they pursue other women to fulfill their immediate needs while ignoring the needs of these “not quite right” women. It shows a lack of emotional empathy.
    Do you really want to date someone who selectively utilizes empathy?

    I’ve had no trouble finding men who don’t have this problem. I’m sure Evan and his wife are perfectly happy but I’m looking for different things than his wife is (a kinder, more empathetic person).

    1. 357.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Seems like you’ve taken something personally or internalized something that isn’t quite there. That’s your narrative. You’re entitled to it. But it doesn’t mean it’s true. To wit:

      My wife is the single best human being I know. We are well within each other’s leagues. We each bring valuable traits to the table and work extremely well as a couple. She accepts me for all of my flaws; I cherish her because that’s so rare. So whether you’re implying that she’s out of my league (because you think she’s more attractive than I am) or I’m out of her league (because I’m more accomplished on paper than she is), I can assure you that neither of us feel we’re slumming it.

      Next, you suggest that I’m not sufficiently kind or empathetic. And you’re basing it on what? Things you’ve read on my blog? You are aware that you only know about my dating/relationship advice and you have no idea what kind of man, husband or father I am, right? You may draw the conclusion from what little you know of me that I’m not kind or empathetic, but I can assure you that you’re mistaken. You kind of have to be a kind empathetic person to do this job.

      Finally, you’re responding to a blog post that simply reports back what everyone on the planet has observed before me: men can easily separate sex from love. If you’re there, you’re into him, and you’ve had a couple of drinks, he’ll probably have sex with you because he’s attracted to you. That doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. That doesn’t mean he lacks emotional empathy. It only means that he wants to have sex with you. It’s on YOU to decide if you want to have sex with a man you barely know, a man who lacks character, a man who is still seeing other women. If you can’t handle the consequences of this, then you shouldn’t have sex.

      You seem to want to shift the blame for your emotional pain to men, instead of taking responsibility for choosing those men. Men who sleep with you aren’t cretins. Men who date you and don’t want to see you again aren’t evil. Men who date you for a few months before deciding they like other women better aren’t users. Men who date you for a year before realizing they don’t want to spend their lives with you aren’t liars or players. Just substitute the word “Women” in all those sentences. No one owes anyone anything when it comes to dating. We all risk getting hurt, and yet we all come back for more.

      If that sounds unkind and unempathetic, then I believe you’re going to have a hard time with reality. I’m empathetic to your plight. I’m telling you how to correct your plight. Telling me that men “should” never sleep with a woman unless he can guarantee he’s going to marry her is an exercise in futility.

  28. 358
    Not really

    Don’t take this personally but you were much much, older when you settled down than most men. You sir are an attractive man but your wife is even more so. You held out for someone “perfect” and it worked out for you even if you had to wait considerably longer than most. Nothing wrong with that. In the mean time, you made sure you weren’t lonely.

    I go for a certain type and generally don’t have this problem but my inner circle of friends is full of men that date women that they know on the first date aren’t right for them but continue to pursue them hoping they can sleep with them or alleviate some of their loneliness for some time. They are misleading these women, allowing them to develop feelings when the men know this isn’t going anywhere. Every time I meet one of these women, my heart sinks at how much they are falling for my friends (who also are generally good people) and my friend was just bashing how “not smart enough, not pretty enough, not tall enough, etc. this woman was.

    Just because it is somewhat common behavior from men( more so the older you get because you get a higher concentration of “holding out for Ms. perfect”). Again, nothing wrong with this if you aren’t using other people in the meantime to fulfill your own needs.

    Everyone thinks they are a good person, no one is a cretin. in reality we are somewhere in the middle. Toying with someone’s feelings to satisfy your own needs isn’t the most empathetic behavior.

    I really like your advice and for the most part if spot on. I apologize if you thought I said you were a bad person. You’re not. This advice is helpful but people,should take it with a grain of salt if they are looking for someone a little more empathetic and kind.

    1. 358.1
      Tom10

      @ Not Really # 359
      “Don’t take this personally but you were much much, older when you settled down than most men”

      Relevance?

      “ You held out for someone “perfect” and it worked out for you even if you had to wait considerably longer than most. Nothing wrong with that.”

      Agreed. A sensible strategy one could argue.

      “ In the mean time, you made sure you weren’t lonely.”

      Nothing wrong with that.

      “They are misleading these women, allowing them to develop feelings when the men know this isn’t going anywhere.“

      They are misleading these women, or these women are misleading themselves?

      ————————————

      This seems to be a common sentiment from women that I read here quite a bit. In fact, I had a huge row with my sister at Christmas about this, so I’ve been thinking a lot about it recently. Like many/most women you/she feels it’s immoral for men to sleep with women they have already decided they wouldn’t marry; and so men should assume responsibility for who women should have sex with, and altruistically choose to remain celibate until they meet a potential wife, (as marriage/ltr is the only legitimate goal in dating, right?).

      Like many/most man I feel that women who have sex without commitment, despite commitment being her actual goal, are in effect “cheating” the dating game and trying to use uncommitted sex to snag guys who they actually aren’t capable of snagging long-term.

      So why do you look down on men who have sex with women they’ve no long-term interest in? Because it is in your interest to do so.

      You are trying to shame men into not following their instinct (look for easy sex) for the benefit of women, instead of encouraging women into not following their instinct (hypergamy) for their own benefit.

      This is a futile strategy.

      #359
      “ Just because you did something and it was common, doesn’t make it right. This is a huge turn off to me”

      Fair enough. Do you know what is a huge turn off to me? Trying to control the behavior of others through shaming.

      Why don’t women just not have sex until they receive a commitment? What’s so difficult about that?

  29. 359
    Not Really

    Just because you did something and it was common, doesn’t make it right. This is a huge turn off to me and I’ve had no trouble finding men who don’t use women (yes they even turn down sleeping with women they don’t see a future with).

    You sound like many of my single male friends, just because you think this way then everyone must think this way. They don’t. Plenty of great guys out there who don’t have this issue. Yes, their are guys out their who care about the feelings of a woman even if they have no further interest in her romantically. This is the kind of man I like and to date had no trouble finding them.

    Ps. Sorry you took my comment the wrong way. I kind of always assume in a mixed attractive couple that the men are aware that they hit the jackpot (looks wise at least). Evan, you did and you are a very lucky man (not so bad yourself).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>