Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,

Laura

Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-”, “He says he loves me, but-”, “We had an amazing date, but-”. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Sorry. We’ve got a different truth.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Seductress Within

    Kenley, you’re right. Some women do ignore the verbal and non-verbal messages men send thinking they can change his feelings or turn something casual into something serious.

    Anytime a woman begins a dating situation with sex she must assume it is casual and expect nothing more. If she’s pleasantly surprised, great.

    The problem is that a woman’s feelings become engaged when she is sexual and she starts to look for validation that she is special and not just a lay.
    End result, the guy feels her edging toward a relationship and runs. And no matter how much a woman tells herself that she’s cool with hooking up, it never feels good to share your body with men and then get dumped.

    It’s simple-Don’t have sex so soon if you want a relationship…

  2. 92
    starthrower68

    Kenley & Seductress,

    You both make very good points. It’s difficult to remain objective once a situation reaches that point. I’m not saying it can’t be done but it’s not easy.

    To respond to Hunter, I would say at the early stages, a woman is smart to keep things in an “information gathering” stage. That’s not to say attraction isn’t an element, but a wise woman will not get carried away with that.

  3. 93
    starthrower68

    BTW, Hunter, what I mean by “information gathering” phase is not that she grills him like its the Spanish Inquisition. She should learn by observation.

  4. 94
    hunter

    “The problem is that a woman’s feelings become engaged when she is sexual”…..very true, only, some of us we call that marriage. A woman marries/bonds when she is sexual.

  5. 95
    hunter

    to Anisa on post #89,

    Do you really think men define their relationships to that extent?….LOL!….isn’t it more like, oh, I might want to say, hhhmmh, let’s see, it all starts with an erection(chemistry),,,he, he, ehe,… not that it’s all about sex, oh no, or does it begin with attraction, or is that all in the same category?……hhmmmhhh, can men really think past that?…..eeeeeeehhh!…OMG!..

  6. 96
    Michelle

    Post 85 (starthrower68): Yep exactly! Darned if you do and darned if you don’t., but we can always say they weren’t worth it anyway!

    Post 91 (Seductress Within): Well said. I agree, but it’s still good to have enough confidence in yourself to know you determine how special you are.

    The guy is either ready and wants a relationship or doesn’t. I think we run into trouble the minute we turn to someone else for validation. I am a lot stronger now because I realized I determine my worth and value and not anyone else.

  7. 97
    starthrower68

    Michelle, you are spot on. A wise woman will also turn to her friends and family to get her emotional and relational needs filled so that she not dependent on a romantic relationship. Again, not saying men aren’t wanted or needed. It just helps her stay grounded so that she too may remain in the moment.

  8. 98
    Elizabeth

    a real man will explicitly say he doesn’t know how he’ll feel the next morning after sex. that way there will be no confusion. all that staying silent bs is what causes sh%t to hit the fan. stop being selfish and tell the whole truth because you will be the first one complaining that you have a stalker! men do the right thing!

  9. 99
    starthrower68

    LOL! Elizabeth, your point is well taken, and I understand the spirit with which your comment is made. But if I guy won’t do the righ thing, the hell with stalking him! If he’s a creep, I’ll put as much distance between him and myself as possible!

  10. 100
    Anisa

    I wonder if this is the topic with the most posts. That means something don’t you think?
    So what does it means?

  11. 101
    Sayanta

    “Did the women’s liberation movement screw the pooch so to speak by making it too easy for men to skip the romance step?”

    Cilla- this is brilliant. You hit the nail on the head. My consolation is, things will balance out. I hope.

    I mean- look at all those dating sites that have men looking only for “Hang Out” or “Intimate Encounter”? WTF??
    I’m one of those very very very few American females who refuse to have sex outside of a committed relationship. Yeah- I know the male post-ers here are laughing at that one. Oh well.

    I figure I’ll just start going overseas to get dates eventually.

  12. 102
    hunter

    Sayanta, “one of few american females?”…. you have plenty of company, because every saturday night I go to restaruants, I see herds of good looking women having dinner with other women.

  13. 103
    vino

    Re: post 101

    “Did the women’s liberation movement screw the pooch so to speak by making it too easy for men to skip the romance step?

    Cilla- this is brilliant. You hit the nail on the head. My consolation is, things will balance out. I hope.””

    - I understand the sentiment, but ‘that horse left the corral’ so to speak. It’s like men asking where are all of the June Cleavers of today? Both are casualties of society’s change. Question is what do you do but accept that change?

    Another twist… coupled with the backdrop that men do not need to commit for sex anymore (used to have to MARRY for it), and that there are plenty of available partners, consider the power angle. That, by submitting to the demand he commit to a woman, he turns the bus driving of the relationship over to her. Most guys I know feel that’d be the short bus to happiness…and choose otherwise. Just a thought…

  14. 104
    starthrower68

    Sayanta, you may actually be part of a “silent majority” of women. I mean, I’m not even going to have sex outside of marriage, so I’m really out of luck! I do think, however, there are enough women out there who will have sex without the commitment – hoping to get a guy to commit – that alot of men just sort of expect that now. And as long as there are enough women out there willing to make that compromise, there’s no reason for men to do anything different. I figure I’m better off to hold on to my code of conduct. It will weed out the ones that would never have respected or valued me anyway.

  15. 105
    Anisa

    I agree so much with Starthrower68.
    The laugh is: the more you are comfortable and happy with that situation, living by the code, you are going to be so much the more desirable for those men ….. They will finally respect a woman although they will be having a not-fullfilling “relationship” with someone else.
    And then it is a pity that they don’t know anymore how to approach and pick up a respectable woman like you ………..
    Because they want it all …… and they want it for free …..

  16. 106
    Kenley

    Are we actually saying that “easy” women are to blame for men not committing to “respectable” women? Wow. Is there anything that isn’t the woman’s fault as far as relationships are concerned?

  17. 107
    Sayanta

    To StartThrower 68 (post #104)

    “Sayanta, you may actually be part of a silent majority of women. I mean, I’m not even going to have sex outside of marriage, so I’m really out of luck!”

    LOL- you know what- I’m glad you wrote this. I had that same “Problem” (for lack of another term) for a long time. I just didn’t want to come out and say it on this blog. I say ‘had’ because it’s gone from marriage to just commitment for me. I should note, though, this doesn’t mean I advocate being a total prude before committment. You just have to get a little…creative on dates, that’s all.

    I also think that some men MAY get weirded out because they think women who think the way we do might be religious freaks.
    It has absolutely nothing to do with religion for me.

    The main (only) reason I’m sticking to my commitment rule is because I don’t want to be on the Pill. Or on any kind of hormonal contraceptive methods. I’ve seen how badly this stuff has messed up my friends’ bodies, and I’m staying away. The fact that I’m a total greenie (one who DOES shave her legs and shop on 3rd Ave boutiques) has a lot to do with it too. And to all the women here, doesn’t it seem unfair that WE have to take all the health risks (and even if you do fine on the Pill, there are ALWAYS risks) and guys don’t have to worry about stroke, cancer, etc. just from having sex?

    And yeah yeah, lots of women use barrier methods instead, but condoms break easy and diaphragms don’t have that high of an efficiency rate, and I’m guessing a guy who beds you on the third date isn’t going to be sticking around to pay child support.

    There are natural birth control methods (NOT the Rhythm method, which is bullshit anyway) which have a 99% efficiency rate, since a woman is not fertile every day of the month. But the thing is, these methods can work best if you’re in a committed relationship, since the guy can’t just get it when he wants it, but has to wait until the woman is in her non-fertile phase…anyway, I digress. Sorry if this got too X-rated- I’m very- um, passionate about the birth control topic as you can tell.

    Vino #103-
    “…That, by submitting to the demand he commit to a woman, he turns the bus driving of the relationship over to her.”

    Point taken. At the same time, if a woman gives it up before she wants to, SHE’s given the steering wheel to him. This isn’t true for every woman, but a lot. So, what’s the compromise?

    Anisa #105
    “Because they want it all and they want it for free..”

    Amen sister!!! I say we call a strike. LOL

  18. 108
    hunter

    Men are cheap, if it is free, most men will take it.

  19. 109
    Sayanta

    Oh- one more thing, while I’m all riled up. :-)

    I know plenty of women who’ve given it up on the second and third date only to later have the guy completely ignore her or treat her like a piece of trash. I honestly think men do not understand how devastating this is for a woman. Their conquest is over, so they move on. She’s heartbroken, in the mean time.

    And then you have women like me and startthrower68- I don’t know about you, starthrower68, but finding a boyfriend with my committment rule isn’t exactly a piece of cake. So, you have the girls who’ve given it up early to please a guy who end up with the guy acting like a jerk, and then girls like me who are the oddballs out in American society.

    It seems like women are losing out in the ‘relationship’ game no matter what road they choose.

  20. 110
    vino

    Anisa’s #105 –

    “Because they want it all and they want it for free.”

    When one barters their sex like it’s something to sell on ebay, a smart shopper will pay the least.

    Sayanta’s #107 –

    “At the same time, if a woman gives it up before she wants to, SHE’s given the steering wheel to him. This isn’t true for every woman, but a lot. So, what’s the compromise?”

    - Actually, she isn’t giving the steering wheel over. Carrot & stick. She controls her own body, no? (See previous posts) She can at any time choose not to, even after ‘doing it’ one, twice, etc… I can say with reasonable certainty that when you let a guy know you will give it up when you are damn good & ready (ie. – doling out sex like like it’s the biggest favor to him, keeping control), he’s less likely to stay around, nor should he.

  21. 111
    Sayanta

    “I can say with reasonable certainty that when you let a guy know you will give it up when you are damn good & ready (ie. – doling out sex like like it’s the biggest favor to him, keeping control), he’s less likely to stay around, nor should he.”

    So- women should basically grant men sexual favors whenever the man wants and not think about herself at all. Dear Christ, what has this society come to?

  22. 112
    hunter

    On post #107

    Try and stay away from the 99 cent condoms, they fit very tight, and make the blood in your body rush to your ears and it makes your ears swell.

  23. 113
    starthrower68

    To Kenley #106, no the point is not that all relationship problems are the fault of women. It’s not even a judgement on women who will have sex before commitment. The point is, if all a man is looking to do in the first place is find sex, and he can take the path of least resistance to obtain what he seeks, he will.

    To Vino, #103, I disagree with the notion that the woman who resists sex before commitment takes over control of the relationship. If a man wants sex, doesn’t want to commit, and she won’t sleep with him, he has two options: he stays or he goes. HE is free to make that choice. As matter of fact, HE can still choose to leave, even if she does have sex with him before commitment.

  24. 114
    starthrower68

    Santaya, in response to your post on #109, I’ve said before and I’ll say again, based on different posts by Evan, if a woman will not have sex before commitment, she’ll probably be dumped. On the other hand, if she has sex before commitment, then a guy will probably lose respect for her and leave. Of course there are always exceptions, but my believe for myself is, if I never have a romantic relationship or sex again, then that’s just how it’s going to be. I don’t have to live with the guy who dumps me because I won’t have sex before marriage but I do have to live with me. I’m sure that the way the world is today, I’m looked at as foolish for that mindset. LOL! But you know, I’m ok with that. It doesn’t bother me a bit!

  25. 115
    Kenley

    The fact of the matter is that millions of men commit to women every single day under many different circumstances — some have sex on the first date; some on the third date, and some after 3 months. The fact that some of us on this blog are having a difficult time finding the man/relationship we want does not make it accurate to say that men don’t commit to women because they do, and a lot of them marry women. I think it is really a defeatist attitude to think that men are unwilling to make connections.

  26. 116
    Seductress Within

    #110
    “(ie. – doling out sex like like it’s the biggest favor to him, keeping control), he’s less likely to stay around, nor should he.”

    If her intent is a game of manipulation and she USES sex either by giving it OR witholding it, then yes, if I were a man, I’d bail too.

    But there is a difference between the above and a woman who doesn’t use sex, but rather just follows her own values regarding it to protect her own heart and body.

  27. 117
    vino

    Re: Saytana’s #111-

    “So- women should basically grant men sexual favors whenever the man wants and not think about herself at all. Dear Christ, what has this society come to?”

    - I feel compelled to point out that Syatana either missed or ignored my mention of carrot & stick and choosing not to immediately preceding the quote she used, which places the quote out of context, distorting what I stated.

    Re: Star’s #113 – You may disagree that by ‘resisting’ (I hope the implication is not that he’s ‘pushing’ like some animal) a woman takes control, but then go on to describe a situation where she makes the 1st choice to give him a choice, thereby setting the ground rules…Commit first or no lovin’ for Mr. Man. In other words, she controls things.

    Re: Seductress’ #116

    “But there is a difference between the above and a woman who doesn’t use sex, but rather just follows her own values regarding it to protect her own heart and body.”

    - While I don’t disagree with the statement, it doesn’t cover the situation where the sex or lack thereof IS being used as a manipulation, but under the guise of ‘following her own values’ to ‘protect’ her heart & body. This is far more pernicious, and I suspect more widespread than most would mention.

    It also places guys in an poor position indeed, playing on their sense of honor (which most have, contrary to their usual portrayal)… On the one hand, if it IS a manipulation, she doesn’t respect him & he’s a henpecked fool. If he calls b.s. on it, it’s all too easy to call him a d-bag animal that only wants some tail. I can safely say that every guy I’ve talked to has faced this situation, as have I.

    Faced with 2 such poor choices, most guys I know would rather be called a sex-crazed jerk in that situation. After all, we’re called that all the time anyway…cause or no.

  28. 118
    Sayanta

    To Starthrower-

    “Santaya, in response to your post on #109, I’ve said before and I’ll say again, based on different posts by Evan, if a woman will not have sex before commitment, she’ll probably be dumped. On the other hand, if she has sex before commitment, then a guy will probably lose respect for her and leave. ”

    Well- I agree with you there. That’s pretty much the last line of my other post. American women are losing out big time in this relationship business.

    Kenley- post #115

    You’ve got a good point- you’re definitely more optimistic than I am. But that’s my New Year’s res- change my mindset! :-)

    I think the basic human tendency is to generalize based on what we’ve seen in our personal lives. Add the media to that for our generation. If you watch any old TV show, it would seem that 12 year olds are getting more action than I am- and that men are basically lounge lizards, etc.

    If a woman’s met supportive, decent men all her life and had good relationships, her mindset toward the opposite sex will be positive. Aside from a couple of family members, I haven’t met men who genuinely care about the women in their lives.

    My birth control argument is a perfect example- an acquaintance of mine had a stroke at age 28 from her Pill- do you think any of the men she slept with cared? THey just went on their merry way sleeping with the rest of the city while she lay in the hospital. It’s sad how so few men have compassion. But anyway…I digress.

    I guess the key is to have as many experiences as possible and let them color your life, hopefully for the better.

  29. 119
    Sayanta

    You know what- I retract the compassion thing. Just because a guy who burns a woman one minute can also be rescuing people from burning buildings the next.

  30. 120
    Cilla

    Seductress Within makes a good point, as does Kenley. There is a happy medium somewhere that allows women not to have sex when they are uncomfortable with it and men not to be manipulated by this choice. Kenley hit the nail on the head by saying it’s really just a matter of finding the right partner who feels the same way you do. And that can change at different times in your life, even within a short period of time or depending on whom you are dating. The same woman (or man) who wants to wait with one partner may feel like sleeping with someone else earlier in their dating process. It’s a matter of getting expectations on the same page no matter what choice you make and being willing to live with the consequences.

    I’ll give you something to think about from another perspective that runs contrary to that of most women posting here. I should note I am 47 with a long dating history and a marriage in the middle. I have waited to sleep with men until we were in a committed relationship and I have also slept with men within a few dates. In some of the latter cases, we hit it off and had relationships that lasted months or even years. Clearly the sex did not get in the way of him calling me again.

    In another recent instance, I slept with a man on the first date. We met online and had had a long wooing process because of our schedules, him living a few hours away, etc. During the date I debated about sleeping with him (thinking the decision might come up), in part because of some of the discussion generated here (kudos, Evan). But the date had gone well, and I felt like we had exchanged enough information about wanting a long term relationship that I was comfortable taking it to the next step. Well let me tell you: the sex was so horrible I was immensely relieved I had NOT insisted on a committed relationship first. This was not a case of taking a few sessions to educate each other about our preferences, etc. He was just plain selfish in bed, and untalented to boot! I never would have known this until we had been intimate, no matter how many dates and deep conversations we had. Had I insisted on an exclusive relationship first, it just would have made it harder for me to stop seeing him without it getting messy. Sometimes NOT waiting is the best decision, for a variety of reasons.

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