Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.

Men Look for Sex and Find Love. Women Look for Love and Find Sex.
Hi Evan,

I’ve been online dating for a while now, and I’ve started to notice a trend with a lot of the men who have contacted me. By way of background, I just ended a three month relationship with a man whom I met online because he did not want to be exclusive. He claimed that he didn’t want to date other people but he was hurt several times in the past by cheating girlfriends and didn’t want me to go thru the hurt again. For my part, I realize I’m at fault for waiting three months before asking for some type of commitment.

Hindsight has pointed out that on his profile he listed he wanted a “casual relationship” as opposite to my listing of wanting a “serious relationship”. So now I’m back on the online dating scene and I’m paying better attention to what guys are saying they are looking for in their profile. Several guys put in their profile that they are looking for “friends” only, one guy even put that he’s too busy for a relationship right now.

Is this a case of semantics? Are these guys really just wanting to take it slow and be friends first? If they are really just looking for friends, why don’t they go on a free site like MySpace, Facebook, or Friendster? If it’s just a clever way to find booty calls, why don’t they go on Adultfriendfinder or Craigslist? If I want a bona fide relationship, should I just ignore these men when they contact me? Has looking for a relationship on a dating website become taboo?

Thanks for your insight,

Laura

Brace yourself for a shocking revelation!

Men very often don’t know what they want.

Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend

This shouldn’t come as a surprise to you. You could probably tell from our actions. But it’s true. Most men can tell a story about how they weren’t looking for anything serious and then fell in love. And most men can tell a story about how they were looking for love, but discovered they had a lot of fun being single. (Most women could probably say the same.)

Therefore, you have to take any information in an online dating profile with a grain of salt. It’s not that he DOESN’T mean what he wrote; it just means he meant it AT THAT MOMENT. This is in accordance with the way we act on a date as well. Just because we think you’re attractive and we show you a good time doesn’t mean we’re actually INTERESTED. It just means we’re being “in the moment”. Unfortunately, most women aren’t familiar with this concept until it’s much too late. That’s why half of my questions are versions of: “He sleeps with me, but-”, “He says he loves me, but-”, “We had an amazing date, but-”. One of the most important – and frustrating – concepts that women need to get about men is that most things have NO meaning, beyond what’s being conveyed in the moment. Just because he wants a serious relationship doesn’t mean he wants one with YOU. Just because he has fun with you doesn’t mean he wants you as his girlfriend. Just because he thinks you’re sexy doesn’t mean he wants to commit to only you. Each time you think this is the case, you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.

And so we go back to Laura’s insightful question – what does it all MEAN?

Well, I can only speak for myself here by pretending to be a guy dating online (I know, it’s a reach. Bear with me).

So let’s say I’m serious about falling in love. I go onto a dating site and list that I’m looking for marriage or a relationship. So, week after week, I date a lot of attractive women, none of whom feel like they will be my future wife. Which leaves me a number of questions that I’d like you to consider:

  • 1) Am I supposed to NEVER hook up with them? No kissing, no foreplay, no sex with anyone that I don’t think I want to marry? Do you think the standard should be: heavy petting is only in exclusive relationships, or not at all?
  • 2) If I DO hook up, but have no intention of committing to an individual woman, does that make me a bad guy?
  • 3) How should I notify a woman that I am not serious about her before we start a physical relationship? What’s better? A written warning? Or perhaps a canned speech that while I find my date attractive and will gladly sleep with her for a few weeks, I’m actively continuing to pursue other women in the meantime? How’s that gonna go over?
  • 4) Finally, if I do, in fact, want to hook up from time to time, does that, in any way, mean that I’m NOT looking for a serious relationship?

These are real considerations that go through the heads of real guys who want real relationships. But just because a man aspires to love doesn’t mean he’s above the lust and passion that comes from short-term flings.

So how are men supposed to navigate this space with any integrity?

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

That’s right. We can’t. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t.

You may feel that: “I just want a guy to be honest with me. Believe me, I sometimes want to have sex, too, but I just want to know where I stand. I don’t want to get hurt. He should be man enough to tell me the truth.”

Men look for sex and find love women look for love and find sexSorry. We’ve got a different truth.

The truth is that we’re attracted to you in this moment.

The truth is that we’re not sure if we want a relationship with you.

The truth is that if we tell you that we don’t know what’s going to happen in the morning, nothing will ever happen.

So we say nothing. And hope that you don’t get too attached.

Why don’t we go to Adultfriendfinder for easy, no-strings-attached sex? Because it’s kind of skeezy. Because there’s no challenge and no human connection. Because we actually want someone that we can talk to, vent to, and hang out with.

So understand, Laura: while it might work for YOU if commitment-confused men restricted themselves exclusively to the “adult” personals, it doesn’t actually work for MEN.

Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex.

The exceptions don’t disprove the rule.

If you find this confusing and want to learn how to navigate this emotional minefield, I am here to help. There ARE good men out there. There are relationship-oriented men out there. And often the difference between the players and the committers is YOU. The right woman at the right time can make a man want to stop playing. I know. It happened to me.

So if you’re done spinning your wheels on the wrong men and want to get an edge with the right men, click here to learn more.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Evan

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Sayanta

    Cilla-

    You make a good point- it’s something I have to wrestle with myself, considering my stance on hormonal contraceptive methods. At the same time, it would majorly suck to wait and then end up hating the sex. What to do…

  2. 122
    Seductress Within

    Vino,

    “it doesn’t cover the situation where the sex or lack thereof IS being used as a manipulation, but under the guise of following her own values to protect her heart & body.”

    Sure, but honestly, I tend not to feel sorry for the man in this situation any more than I feel sorry for the woman who is dealing with the man who promises her love, devotion, marriage, a white picket fence and things she’s never even heard of (as a manipulation) to get into her pants.

    Men and women alike are responsible for taking care of themselves. I refuse to believe that either one is victimized more or at all by the other sex.

    It doesn’t take very long to discover that someone is gaming you in this area or any area if you pay attention, follow your gut, watch to see if the person’s actions and words follow a consistent thread throughout all of their behavior…

    Ultimately men and women must be true to themselves in relationships and regarding sex- should never *use* it for any selfish reason.

  3. 123
    Anisa

    Vino @ post 110
    I am not talking about bartering. I am talking about responsibilities. Over de centuries women take too much care for men and too little for themselves. It’s now time to do so. Because men are not likely to take care for another person or for another persons feelings. They are too spoiled. They want to take without giving.
    …….and sex is never for free. Somebody is paying!

  4. 124
    starthrower68

    To Vino #117, I suppose you and I are going to have to disagree on this one. I’m not talking about a man pushing for sex like an animal. I’m willing to concede that by sticking to the values I’ve set for myself, I’m setting a boundary with the guy, but I’m not controlling what he DOES in response to the boundary I set. Now, are there some women that use sex as a weapon? Of course there are, and there are no doubt plenty of women who are being manipulative under the guise of self-protection. I’ve never denied that, and I’m smart enough to know that there are exceptions to every generalization. And listen, while I’ve said that I will wait for marriage, to be quite honest, I realize I’m as susceptible to giving in as anyone. I admit, it is easy for me to sit here and say I don’t care, I’m sticking to my guns, because I’m not involved with anyone. I hope that I can stick to my values, but should the moment arise, I may very well do something else. And just so you don’t think I’m purposely being disagreeable and trying to bash men, I can understand the points you make. I just happen to believe that there is a difference between controlling a situation and setting a boundary.

  5. 125
    vino

    Star,

    I can say with certainty I see your point. I think we agree that often, both sexes don’t bring the most altruistic motives and actions to the table.

    I do think that, practically speaking, women do have greater control. They can always say no. BTW, there are enough stories of falsely accused date rape etc. (Duke Lacrosse famously comes to mind), that any guy with 2 brain cells to rub together should know that if she says no, respect it & get the hell out of there, lest you face jail. This is why I say that women have greater control.

    One of the things I seek to point out in this thread that as a guy, it is exceedingly difficult to determine if the sex or lack thereof is being used as a weapon or manipulation. The point being that to the guy more often than not, he can’t tell if you are being true to your values or manipulating him. If he can’t tell, then the safest choice for him is to assume it is a game where he’s being played, and leave for his own protection.

    It’s easy to paint him as only out for sex, and bailing b/c he didn’t get any, but when you’ve been the guy who’s been manipulated in that situation, usually more than once, it’s only reasonable to change your behavior for your own good.

    Re: Anisa’s #123 –

    “I am not talking about bartering. and sex is never for free. Somebody is paying!”

    Holy contradiction, Batman!

    Anisa, I don’t want to pick a fight with you, but as a guy reading your post 123, I can tell you that it’s entire content is a HUGE disincentive for men to date, if that’s what they find. I can further say that many guys have run across it, and have removed themselves from the dating pool as they do not want to deal with it.

  6. 126
    Sayanta

    “I can further say that many guys have run across it, and have removed themselves from the dating pool as they do not want to deal with it.”

    Just curious- so what do these men do? Switch teams?

  7. 127
    vino

    Re: #126

    They do other things. They work more, furthering careers. They spend more time with hobbies, whether those hobbies be fly fishing, reading, volunteer work, triathlons, etc. They spend time with their friends. They do what makes them happy. In short, they do other things that enrich their lives other than devote their time, effort, and money to fruitlessly chasing women.

    – Something to keep in mind when you hear the tired refrain of “Where have all the good men gone?”

  8. 128
    Anisa

    Vino
    If you want to see a contradiction you will find it.
    But I hope you understand that I am saying that a man can think he is going to pay the least (a smart shopper will pay the least (your post 110)) is in fact making the woman pay. (and then I mean: emotionally)

    And @ post 125 “if that is what they find” My question: if they find…what??
    “and have removed themselves from the dating pool as they do not want to deal with it.”
    My question to you: to deal with what??
    If they find and have to deal with women who take good care of themselves in the first place???

  9. 129
    The Seductress Within

    Vino,
    “it is exceedingly difficult to determine if the sex or lack thereof is being used as a weapon or manipulation. The point being that to the guy more often than not, he can’t tell if you are being true to your values or manipulating him. If he can’t tell, then the safest choice for him is to assume it is a game where he’s being played, and leave for his own protection.”

    So you are saying that because it’s difficult for a man to tell if he is being manipulated by both the woman who has sex and by the one who doesn’t, it’s safer to assume they both are and bail out completely?

    It seems he’s cutting off his nose to spite his face. Unless all he wants is sex in which case, if woman A doesn’t give in he can bail and go find someone who will and when women B will screw him, he can bail as well and go find the next one to do it with.
    If that is his only goal, then that is a good strategy.

    However, what if he really wants to find a relationship? Could it be possible to give her the benifit of the doubt until her character reveals itself?
    If a woman manipulates with sex, it’s likely she will manipulate in other ways too and I submit that it doesn’t take all that long for it to be revealed.

    That is what we all are trying to figure out in dating.
    The other person’s level of honesty and integrity. Which has to do with everything, not just sex. People tend to act with a level of consistency or not.

    If one pays attention, doesn’t ignore the clues, trusts their gut, it’s not that difficult.

  10. 130
    hunter

    Sayanta on post #126, I think some do switch teams, others, sadly enough, marry someone they are not in love with, some do further their career, etc.

  11. 131
    hunter

    on #129, “doesn’t ignore the clues”, aren’t men constantly accused of being “clueless”? Somehow, I don’t think everyone has that, “gut trusting” gift, isn’t the lack of, part of what makes us all different?

    It has been my experience, that, the words manipulate/woman, frequently, go together, men must think this way, just to maintain our sanity.

  12. 132
    Anisa

    You must understand
    That the touch of your hand
    Makes my pulse react
    That it`s only the thrill
    Of boy meeting girl
    Opposites attract

    It`s physical
    Only logical
    You must try to ignore
    That it means more than that

    Oh whats love got to do, got to do with it
    What`s love but a second hand emotion
    Who needs a heart
    When a heart can be broken

    I`ve been thinking of a new direction
    But i have to say
    I`ve been thinking about my own protection
    It scares me to feel this way

    What`s love got to do, got to do with it
    What`s love but a sweet old fashioned notion
    What`s love got to do, got to do with it
    Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken
    ——–
    To Sayanta @ post 111
    “Dear Christ, what has this society come to?”

  13. 133
    The Seductress Within

    Hunter,
    “doesn’t ignore the clues, aren’t men constantly accused of being clueless? Somehow, I don’t think everyone has that, gut trusting gift, isn’t the lack of, part of what makes us all different?”

    Here’s a clue: when someone says one thing but does another.
    Here’s another: when someone declairs a belief or moral yet behaves in contradiction.
    Here’s another: when someone whilst casually telling you their past stories, things don’t add up.
    Here’s another: when someone never accepts blame or responsibility for the negative things that happen to them.
    Here’s another: when someone behaves with an attitude of entitlement and treats friends, family, waitstaff poorly.

    I could go on. All of these can be very glaring, but sometimes very subtle. That’s what I mean by pay attention, don’t ignore the clues.
    It’s not a “gift” to trust your gut. Sometimes things feel off yet but you can’t put your finger on it because they are not glaringly obvious. All of which can be signs that someone is not the honest person they may be trying to convince you of.

    I don’t believe sweeping negative generalizations such as men are clueless or women are manipulators.

  14. 134
    MICHELLE

    HOW BOUT SOME KAYNE WEST LOVE LOCKDOWN Y’ALL?

  15. 135
    starthrower68

    It is sad what dating and relationships have come to. I can understand what Vino says about men finding other things to do than date because as a woman, I’ve had my share of frustration as well. That having been said, I am by no means implying there are no good guys out there. Of course there are….somewhere…

  16. 136
    Sayanta

    Anisa-

    That’s one of my favorite songs, incidentally. Sweet, chilling, intense altogether. Tina rocks!

  17. 137
    Sayanta

    Hunter- post #130

    “Sayanta on post #126, I think some do switch teams…”

    Hmmm. I’m not an expert on homosexuality by any means, but I’m wondering- if you’re a man who’s been sexually attracted to women, how do you turn that ‘off’ and get attracted to another guy.

    I mean, God knows I’ve done my share of bitching and moaning about men, but I’ve never checked out the blonde chick next to me at work because of it.

  18. 138
    starthrower68

    Hunter, I think from the male perspective you probably have a point. I think both sexes have their quirks. Women are seen as manipulative and men are seen as players. Now, we all know that in reality, its probably only true of the MINORITY of people out there. But if that’s a person’s experience enough times, that perception becomes truth.

  19. 139
    Karl R

    Vino said: (#125)
    “I do think that, practically speaking, women do have greater control. They can always say no.”

    By that same arguement, I could claim that I have greater control over women in relationships … since I can always say no.

    It’s entirely possible that women have more control in your relationships, while I have more control in my relationships. This has nothing to do with being male/female, but instead hinges on differences in our self control … and our ability to say “No” to ourselves.

    But to look at it from a different perspective: if I find that the amount of power or control (between my partner and me) has become a factor in the relationship, then it’s time to leave that relationship. I don’t want to be in any relationship where power games are being played.

  20. 140
    The Seductress Within

    Very well said Karl!

  21. 141
    Anisa

    I posted the Tina Turner-lyric for a reason.
    I know that women (most of them) are loving creatures.
    But how about men?? We are talking a lot about sex, relationships, commitment, expectations etc.
    But when is LOVE involved? Especially from the male side of view? What is the male-concept of LOVE? Are men able to LOVE a women? And what is the feeling like for them, how do the “discover” it? How do they show it? How can a women know and truly believes that a man loves her? (I don’t mean by words) I am very curious about the reactions, because I think that men nowadays (in general) are afraid of it and protect themselves from that feeling (and I am not talking about being afraid of commitment)……..

  22. 142
    Anisa

    Very well, let me try this one than:
    “LOVE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. NOTHING AT ALL!”
    It is all about benefits plus freedom vs attachment plus feelings.”

  23. 143
    Karl R

    Anisa (#141 & #142)
    Did you watch the third Matrix movie? Near the beginning, Neo has a conversation with a “family” of sentient computer programs. The “father” (Rama-Kandra) claims that he loves his “daughter” (Sati). Neo challenges this claim, since the machines can’t feel emotions.

    Rama-Kandra replies, “Love is a word.” He then goes on to point out that the way he acts (out of “love”) is essentially identical to how Neo acts on the love he feels towards Trinity and Morpheus.

    Or back it up to the first Matrix movie, when Neo met The Oracle for the first time…
    The Oracle: “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Being The One is just like being in love. No one can tell you you’re in love, you just know it.”

    The Oracle: “But you already know what I’m going to tell you.”
    Neo: “I’m not The One.”

    But Neo is the one … or he will be. Eventually he begins to believe it. But Morpheus believes Neo is The One all along. Who is right?

    Rama-Kandra has a point. Love is a word. And the way you use that word may be different from the way I use that word.

    Anisa said: (#141)
    “I think that men nowadays (in general) are afraid of [love] and protect themselves from that feeling”

    You really have a low opinion of men, don’t you.

    I was watching a show on TV about the Battle of Fallujah. They talked about how “Uncommon valor was a common virtue.” And they also mentioned how that valor was motivated by the love each soldier had for his fellow soldiers. (Military leaders have understood this for ages.)

    If you understand this, you can understand a lot about men’s love.

    Talk is cheap. Feelings can be deceptive. Men show love through action. They discover they’re in love by acting on it.

    Anisa asked: (#141)
    “How can a women know and truly believes that a man loves her?”

    How can you know there’s a God?
    Easy answer: You can’t.

    How can you believe in God?
    Easy answer: It’s possible for someone to believe in God, but it’s not possible for anyone to tell you how to believe in God.

    You want some man to give you easy answers to some of the most complicated questions. Good luck with that. I’m not certain that women are better at loving than men, but they are definitely better at communicating.

  24. 144
    Selena

    From reading this blog it would seem there is a thin line between waiting to have sex until you know someone well enough to believe they won’t disappear afterwards and waiting so long they conclude you are a prude and don’t want to spend any more time getting to know you. Where is the magic window of opportunity? Apparently it is a quite short one. When you reflect upon your past relationships was the line really that narrow?

    If you choose to have sex with someone you don’t really know, do so without expectations that having sex makes you a couple, or will lead to being one. Be honest with yourself as to why you are having sex with someone of such short acquaintance.

    If your value system is to not share your body until you have a formal commitment with someone, realize that yes, it may take you longer to find a partner who shares/respects your values. Those who don’t aren’t necessarily “wrong”, but simply wrong for you.

    If you are a man who finds himself dating a woman who you believe is using sex as some form of manipulation? Clearly you don’t trust her, and therefore don’t need to be dating her anyway.

    It seems to me, the regrets about having sex with someone are not always based on what the other person does afterward as much as they are a result of not being honest with OURSELVES when it comes to relationship expectations. And by extension, not being honest with our partners.

  25. 145
    Sayanta

    Anisa-

    I don’t want to sound like I’m against you or anything, because Lord knows I’ve had the same questions you’ve had about the opposite sex. But I’m going to agree with Karl’s response to your post.

    It sounds, from what you’ve written, that you genuinely have a low opinion of men and that you don’t believe they’re capable of love. The thing is- and believe me, I’ve learned this as well- is that if that’s what you think, that’s the kind of man you’re going to attract. I’m a big believer of the universal laws of energy myself- I realize most people aren’t, but this is what I’ve seen in my own life.

    The thing is- and again, I speak from experience- if you believe that men aren’t capable of love, they’re going to pick up on that. And the ones who are genuinely loving will run away from your bitter view. The ones who will stay are the very ones you’ll want to leave.

    “I know that women (most of them) are loving creatures.”
    Are they? I’ve met plenty of cruel women.

    I don’t think we should talk about which gender is more capable of love, better as human beings, etc. The truth is men and women have created this society together. And society is in sad disrepair right now. Men and women have both become exceedingly bitter and narcissistic, and until we get to the root of these problems, badmouthing either sex is going to accomplish nothing.

  26. 146
    Anisa

    Do I have a low opinion about men? I don’t know. I don’t think so. I like them. And I’ve enjoyed a very loving very long term relationship.
    Do I have many questions about the other gender regarding love and relationships? YES!

    ……but I am learning a lot these days, also from this tread.

    Thanks for responding.

  27. 147
    hunter

    Selena #144, men know that, having sex with a woman, is like a form of super glue at the short hair site. We know that once that happens, you will be around for some time. Our behavior won’t really matter.

  28. 148
    Michelle

    Anisa asked: (#141)
    How can a women know and truly believes that a man loves her?

    My answer to that is you won’t haue to wonder because you’ll already know. Men who truly loue you make it clearly apparent so there won’t be any room to doubt; lest they risk losing you.

    They call you when they say they will, they don’t stand you up for dates and they generally euen show up on time. They ask how you are and what they can do for you; then actually follow through by doing it!
    They really try to make you happy : ) and can’t stand to see you sad.

    If they want to be with you, they will be with you, without question whole heartedly and assuredly; and you won’t haue to wonder about it or second guess them. And there is ‘almost’ nothing you or anyone could do that would stand in their way of being with you. That’s how you know!

  29. 149
    Selena

    hunter #147,

    “men know that, having sex with a woman, is like a form of super glue at the short hair site. We know that once that happens, you will be around for some time. Our behavior won’t really matter.”

    Ha ha! Sometimes, yes it seems. Sometimes no though. Depends on how good the sex was I suppose.

  30. 150
    MICHELLE

    (#148 Continued))
    ..Additionally they make it a priority to spend time with you and include you in their life…and not just their bedroom! And they will definitely put more than just ‘super (short-hair) glue’ into a ‘real relationship’ to keep you around!!

    If you tolerate any behavior that makes you feel bad or like you are a convenience or expendable; than believe me it’s not love!!!

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