My Girlfriend Wants to Get More Sexual “Experience” Before Getting Engaged. What Should I Do?

I’ve been dating this girl for two and a half years now – not just dating, but living with, I think that makes it all the more serious.  We were good friends for a year before all this, which is why we were comfortable with starting dating and living together at the same time…  The problem, I think, is that while I was her first, I had prior sexual experience with former girlfriends.  Maybe it’s my fault, for wanting to broaden her mind, but now she’s assured me she’s going to have sex with another man, no one in particular, but just because she wants to have a certain level of experience before she commits. 

Last summer, we had a “break”, some time apart, and I know she’s been with another guy, though just oral sex.  Even though this devastated me, I agreed to get back together – she says she’s glad to have had time to figure things out, and in a sense, so am I.  But now I’ve become more insecure about all this, and certainly this jealousy is putting a strain on our relationship.  My problem is, she’s sure she’s going to sleep with another man, and that she doesn’t want to commit until she’s had “adequate” experience with sex and men; on the other hand at the moment we really are in love, and really enjoy being together – we can both imagine a long-term future together. Am I just avoiding future heart-break by not finishing it with her right now?  Are we too young to marry (we’re both in early early twenties)?

I feel silly writing to an “internet dating expert” (don’t take this personally!) but I don’t know who else to turn to. 

Love is complicated.

Thanks,

Chris

Love is complicated, Chris, and I’m sad to report that it just gets more complicated. The more you know, the more baggage, the more responsibilities, the more you realize you don’t know.

The more you know, the more baggage, the more responsibilities, the more you realize you don’t know.

So just be glad that you have many years to get burdened with the weight of life experience. In the meantime, to answer your questions in reverse order:

Yes, you’re silly for writing to an “internet dating expert”. As you know, everyone who dates online is a loser who couldn’t succeed with the opposite sex in real life. And when you account for the fact that I’m a 35-year-old single guy who has never had a relationship over a year – well, let’s just say you should be very embarrassed for even talking to me. I’m sure my clients, girlfriend, and mom all feel the same way.

Next: Yes, you are too young to marry. Sure, there are exceptions to every rule – my girlfriend just introduced me to her friend who got pregnant and married before she was 20 and they’re still together at 38. But this is beyond exceptional. Today’s generation – and even my generation – Gen X – can’t compare ourselves to our parents. The world has changed too much and everything seems to have been delayed ten years. I am of the full belief that 30 is the new 20, 40 the new 30, 50 the new 40, and so on. It takes longer to choose and establish a career; we have infinitely more dating choices; and gender roles and needs have morphed considerably. So while it would be nice and nostalgic to return to a time where 22 year olds had kids and grew up with them, like my parents did, it’s highly unusual. People simply change too much in their 20’s and 30’s….

If you don’t believe me, ask anyone who is five years older than you what they knew at age 27 vs. 22. Then try the same trick with 32 year olds. And 37 year olds. It is SHOCKING how little I knew five years ago when I first started this business. I had never been in love. I had never had my heart broken. I had never contemplated a future with anyone. But what I had done, Chris, is sleep with plenty of people. Which is a surprisingly important thing when you’re contemplating not sleeping with anyone else ever again. Your girlfriend has not had this experience.

For years, young kids got married so that they COULD sleep with each other. They’d get pregnant and since divorce was frowned upon, live a long, unhappy, responsible life with their large families.

Now that we’ve been able to separate sex and marriage, things are different. Women are more highly educated and are expected to develop their own careers. And while there’s still plenty of evidence of a sexual double standard, women are no longer under the illusion that their virginity should be saved for one man after holy matrimony. This is a double edged sword if you’re a guy. Because you should want someone experienced, you should want someone who knows what she likes and doesn’t, and you should want someone who doesn’t wonder what else is out there. Unfortunately, since you’re in such a serious relationship at such a young age, it would be impossible for your girlfriend to have that wisdom.

Because you should want someone experienced, you should want someone who knows what she likes and doesn’t, and you should want someone who doesn’t wonder what else is out there.

So you’ve got a real dilemma on your hands, my young friend. Because I would never tell you to dump a woman you loved to spare yourself the heartbreak. And yet I’d be irresponsible if I said that I thought you were going to have a happy ending.

If she’s determined to sleep with other men, you pretty much have two choices:

Break up with her and hope she comes back after some experimenting

Or allow her to fool around without telling you the details, and hope she hates it.

I think the first one will be hard to do, and the second one will be harder. But no matter what happens, remember, there are a lot of women out there – and you may just find that your girlfriend has done you a great favor by breaking up with you.

 

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Mattie

    Kim’s point is great, Chris: buy a copy of the Kama Sutra or similar, and offer to, er, work through the whole book with your girlfriend!

    Also Evan puts the matter into pithy proportion – and Lance’s contributions, from a similar standpoint, offer very sensible and helpful solutions.

    At least your girlfriend has been completely honest, which has got to be an advantage as it demonstrates respect for both you and herself. Frankly, more power to her for wishing to explore and develop her own sexuality; God knows, nobody can do that for her – just with her (nuance)! This constitutes taking responsibility in my book – and, in this case, doesn’t appear to suggest that your young woman is even remotely sluttish (if she were, believe me, she’d be enthusiastically and energetically transforming herself into the village bike without reference to your finer feelings let alone knowledge!). Which would you rather have: a partner who’s frustrated in bed thanks to her real or perceived inexperience (and either blames you or herself with equally emotionally-disastrous results for your relationship in either instance) OR one who is relaxed about the whole thing, happily familiar with her own needs and how they are best met, and knows how to please a man?

    But bear in mind that, while it is certainly possible to feel desire for lots of other people when in a committed relationship as it is also possible to love more than one partner – it is NOT possible to be wildly in love with more than one person at a time! Being in love fixes one exclusively upon the love-object and has a terrific effect on the libido, so maybe this is what is lacking?

    If someone’s not ‘wildly in love’ at/near the beginning at your age, then perhaps you both ought to agree to look elsewhere sexually – and definitely live apart. Nothing lost, as you’ve obviously established a good friendship which is a considerable and valuable achievement.

    Why not see what happens, while you both separate as lovers and look around – after all, time is very much on your side: what’s the rush? Just don’t play games, or manipulate other partners.

    Buy the book, anyway, or take up Lance’s referral – and start working your way through it safely, with new partner(s). At least you’ll have an awful lot of fun before life gets too serious – as it will do, I fear, sooner or later. [Oh, and if you DO buy the KS, you can ignore the section which calls for two yaks, a gallon of yoghourt and a bungee-rope (Ha! Only joking, honest!).]

    Now, where did I park my yak …?!

    Mattiex

  2. 32
    Dee

    Chris, I understand your GF’s position sort of. I have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend for the past 2 1/2 years. We’ve lived together for 2 of it. We are committed to each other and plan on eventually getting married after grad school and stable jobs and such. He has slept with past girlfriends before me, but he is the only one I have been with ( by choice ). We are in our twenties.

    I’ve thought about this situation over and over again. Yes, it does get to me once in a while when I think about the fact that he has been able to experience different things with different people, and that sexually I have only been with him. It isn’t the fact that I was lacking experience but more that we hadn’t gotten the chance to experience the same things. I don’t think he knows that I think about this suject, because if it were an issue I would tell him. You see, I love him with my whole heart and would never do anything to hurt him. If I didn’t love him, I would have left already OR I would’ve tried pulling what your gf tried to pull on you. A relationship is a relationship. If you even have to question this 1) you’re a great guy for thinking about letting your women sleep around ( dumb, but you’d have to be great) and 2) you are going to get hurt because she is going to end up leaving and breaking your heart.

    Bottom line: sleeping with other men would have probably benefitted me I guess, but if she really wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of your lives, she would feel the way I feel and would be proud that she’s only been with the man she fell in love with and spending the rest of her life with.

    Best of luck-Hope this helps. Let me know how it goes.

    Dee

  3. 33
    hunter

    to dee,

    …sounds like you are married, most women marry from the neck down….men we need a certificate to be married…

  4. 34
    fokoyo

    MY GUY IF YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE DOMP THAT ASS SHE IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU IN ANY WERE THERE A LOT OF GIRLS IN THE WORLD SO DUMP DUMP DUMP HER

  5. 35
    Kaylie M

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We dated for about 2 years before we decided to have sex, the first time for both of us. We are still very much in love and would not even consider having sex with other people just to gain more “experience.” If she really loved you, she wouldn’t want to have sex with anyone else. It seems like she is afraid to be alone. There are plenty of other girls out there, you just need to look. Best of luck to you!

  6. 36
    ANA

    Hi Chris

    Well, from a personal experience let me tell you my ex-boyfriend, who in fact I was going to marry until he left me. He is the only man I have ever sleep with I am 21 and I never had the need to sleep with other men or experiment with. But everybody has different ideas, the point is that if she really love you, she would not feel the need to sleep with other men. Real love comes with fulfillment, commitment, faithfulness, and above all respect. I don’t think it means that she doesn’t love you at all, it just means that she is not ready to be completely into you.

    Take care

  7. 37
    Erik

    Chris, your girlfriend has lost attraction and interest in you. Move on!

  8. 38
    Mike

    I think if she wants to have sex or do anything else with another man you should just leave her. You are just setting yourself up for a live time of trouble. What if she sleeps with a guy that as a STD or something and you catch then your fuckeT!

  9. 39
    sameer

    i am amresh 20 years old.my girlfriend is pooja whose age is 20 years.
    i have kept all the physical relations with her.
    but her interest is to keep physical relations with other man and also with me.
    so in which way i will tell her dont keep relationship with other man.
    now i am under tension.
    plz give sugeetion imediately.

  10. 40
    skitzo

    sadly i wouldn’t know what to say to you hun, since I’m in the same situation, I’m not ready to marry but i do want this girl to make up her mind. i tell her that i feel she’s keeping me around for incase she doesn’t find someone and I’ve been stupid and just blind myself of the truth. she was a virgin when we got together, then she wanted more a relationship with other guys, since thru out high school she didn’t have that. She claims to love me, yet tells me she loves my brother, well a friend that’s been like a brother to me(though not much of one since they’ve kissed while i was around) Luckily i wasn’t sober and didn’t see, but i had my feelings that something had happen.. trust me when i say this isn’t going to end well, your insecurities will kill you inside, if not drive her away. I’ve tried ending it but I’m weak and she wins, always getting me to forget at least for a while well till i see the txt on her phone. there’s no easy way to say this but i think we both need to just let go. not only for our own sake but since you love her I’m sure you don’t want her regretting you being the 1st and the last one she’s with, maybe she wont now but its very possible that later in life she’ll tell you she’s unhappy and that its all your fault for wanting to keep her trapped. or for possibly keeping her from the one that would make her complete, but if you let her go she might just tell you that you’re giving up on the one that truly loves you. We know that it should end, the answer isn’t hard to figure out. What’s hard is admitting to yourself that its really over. We purposely blind ourselves to keep from hurting, feeling like a failure, worthless. Etc. there’s only so much one can keep bottled, eventually that bottle will burst, and you’ll have to deal with it then. The question has never been should you break it of? Its when will you decide enough is enough!?

  11. 41
    Kris

    I can see how she could be afraid of not having the single life experience but in my eyes according to what youre saying you two are married. You have your lives together the only thing is that you aren’t married on paper. What would honestly change when you two got married. probrably nothing you would just maybe decide to have kids but your relationship is at marriage level.

  12. 42
    Sahaja

    To all of you guys who have gfs who want more experience or vice versa, please take note of all the ppl commenting above. You can not stop what he/she does, only what you do. If they want to do something outside of the relationship, 1 – there is not saying they havent already and 2 – you are not in the relationship that you want and deserve. And neither of you will be happy in it. So get out now – You can hold up hope they will change their mind, and some do – but the likelihood is not high. I feel like Im restating a lot of what is said – but bottom line – open communication, figure out what you want and WHY , both of you, and if you can not reconcile both, you’re going have to end it and move on and hope for the best. Thats all I can say – you’d save a lot of pain that way.

  13. 43
    Kris

    Dude I’m going through the same thing… except I was with the girl 8 years engaged for 1.5 years, then she is to start university and she’s heard all the helpful ‘advice’ from other women who tramped around while in school and it’s causing her to have massive doubts.

    I’ll tell you what I went through and you can make your own mind up of what to do buddy but you’re damned if you do and damned if you dont.

    Year 6 she had an affair with my friend. It was an emotional affair nothing physical but it was totally traumatic and probably would have gotten physical if I didnt find out. The guy was fat, dorky, married with 2 kids and wife was pregnant, plus he was 16 years older than her (I’m 7 years older than her) so it was an ego-killer.

    I worked with her on it and we toughed it out and then a year later we got engaged (hey if you can make it through that you can make it through anything, right?) Well six months of being engaged go great then she starts to get a little ‘off’.

    The stupid “experience” crap comes up again with the helpful women in the family, friends. Comes back to haunt us. We work through our issues and both of us are trying like crazy for 16 months, but nothing made her happy, she always found reasons to complain about the life we shared together. None of the complaints really mattered, she would forget about them and each time they would be different.

    In the end she packed up her crap and moved out and says she “doesn’t want to committ to a relationship right now”, needs to “figure herself out” and all that bull. She, like your girl, totally loves me and sees herself spending the long years of life together and raising kids and wants to stay friends and kind of have a no strings attached on and off relationship but it’s bull, she obviously wants to take up the advice and try it out with some other men, even though she loves me. Its like she is pushing herself to do it, there’s no other guy in the picture and she’s not even going out trying to meet any.

    And because someone asked, yes I can please this woman. I almost always make her come at least 2 or 3 times except maybe when I’m having an off day. My record score with her is 14 times in one session, second record is 9 times which was after we separated. I’m not some adonis we just click.

    Honestly your best bet is to put it to her real plain, I just had to do it after 2 months separated and this on and off crap and it’s super duper hard to do but it’s the only option you have. Tell her, you’re with her and she’s with you and there’s no other guys, or she doesn’t get to have you and you’re going to go off and find someone else and live a life without her.

    Don’t close the door on her entirely or anything, because there is the odd chance that she may change her mind after a while and come running back, but don’t count on it at all. Actually, live under the assumption that she never, ever, will and it will do you more good than anything, it may actually encourage her to come running back.

    But the key is this: don’t be a doormat. Don’t be that guy that she can come and have sex with when she can’t meet someone else to have sex with. Don’t be that guy who will always take her call and always hang around with her when she’s lonely. Don’t be the guy who will help her fix crap. Don’t be the “fallback man” because then she will associate you with feeling guilty and you may never get her love back anyway. You will keep letting both yourself and her enter some half-assed relationship with no committment and feelings of guilt and neediness and each time her “romance clock” will reset back to zero for you.

    If she’s ever going to come back to you 110% she needs to feel what it’s like to truly be without you. Sorry bro. See as I was typing out this crap my ex called right now because she needed help with something. Murphy’s law works. Trust me on that one, as counter intuitive as it feels.

  14. 44
    Peter

    Nobody can say what to do, but I can share my experience.
    After ten years of marriage, my wife asked me permission to have sex with another man, because she wanted to have the experience once in her life. She felt that she had the right to do that, because I have had sex with another woman before our marriage. I did not sleep that night. The next morning I gave her permission because of the following reasons:
    – I knew that she would do it anyway.
    – I was sure that she would not leave me.
    – Thinking of her having sex with another man turned me on.
    – I loved her so much that I did not begrudge her the pleasure.
    One month later she told me that she had slept with another man on a tour with her choir. Although the sex was very satisfying, she would not do it anymore. We are still happy together.

  15. 45
    Cilla

    Take her to an adult lifestyle resort and let her get her freak on with whomever she pleases. While you watch. If she truly just wants the experience, that will fulfill the requirement.

  16. 46
    Derek

    Chris,

    Since this you have probably already made your mind up what to do by now and have done it I’ll make my post anyways.

    I dont believe that she is necessarily saying she wants to be sexual with another man but more or less that she is unhappy with the sex life the two of you share together. Have you experimented with toys? Are you out of shape? Do you use the same ole same ole sex positions? These I believe are the trully important questions you have for yourself. If you trully gave her all she disired in the bedroom then there is no way she would want another man, regardless of her inexperience with other partners. Those questions I listed abover are a few that you have control of that can make the difference.

    Good luck!

  17. 47
    patty

    She just wants to get her score even with what you have. Imagin the pain she feels when she thinks of the experiance you have. God she just feels the only way that she can ever feel right about this is if she has sex with someone else too. She doesnt want to. Its you. Its because of your past.

    She loves you. And you most definatly please her.

  18. 48
    Seductress Within

    She’s telling you that she is not ready for such a serious commitment at her young inexperienced age.

    She wants to date other men. She’s using the “excuse” that she wants more sexual experience because it’s convenient. It works because you have had others and she hasn’t.

    But I don’t believe a women wants to increase her numbers for the sake of numbers. I believe it goes deeper than the sex issue.

    I think she wants the freedom to date/and have sex with other people because she is young and not sure that you are the one.

    Maybe she thinks that using the “I need more experience” excuse will hurt you less because then it’s not about you.

  19. 49
    joe

    if she wants to mess around on you..you straight up tell her that your just gunna do it right back while shes off doing it. see her reaction.

  20. 50
    Autumn

    I’ve been in the same situation as your girlfriend. I loved a guy but I wasn’t ready to completely commit to him without seeing “what else was out there.” We considered going on a break or having an open relationship. My boyfriend at the time would have agreed to any of it; he loved me that much. I knew that it would only hurt him if he had to “share” me with other guys and it would hurt me to have to hide a part of life from him. Even though I was convinced that I loved him, had considered marrying him, and thought of him as my best friend, I decided to end our relationship of 4 years. After the initial pain passed, I realized that the reason that I wanted to “see what else was out there” had less to do with getting sexual experience and more to do with the kind of relationship we had. He loved me more than I could ever love him and I was aware and bothered by this fact. Although I didn’t take advantage of it, I felt like I ALWAYS had the upper hand in the relationship. I realized that I wanted something more mutual, where I wasn’t calling all the shots. I wanted someone that challenged me as a person and demanded my respect. The moral of the story for you is this: end it now, with no intention of getting back together. It is likely that she has other trepidations about the relationship anyways. Further, if she can’t see how much it would hurt you if she went out and got busy with other men, then she doesn’t love you as much as you thought; you deserve to have someone love you as much as you love them.

  21. 51
    Rob B

    It this happened to me, I would tell her that she can sleep with whomever she wants, once our relationship ends. And if I ever found out that she did sleep with someone else while we were together, the relationship would end right then and there…. even if we’d been married for years and this occurred years ago. Don’t put up with this. If she loves you she will not want anyone else. just the fact that this subject has come up is a HUGE red flag.

  22. 52
    Sean

    Or…you could take advantage of her promiscuity and see if she’s open to a…well, “open relationship”. Heck, see if she’s got some girlfriends who could join you for coitus.

  23. 53
    matt

    ok, now i realize im probably the odd one out here, but ive been with the same girl since i was 16 and she was 14, shes never slept around on me, and ive never cheated on her, now i wont say ive never wondered what sex with someone else would be like, but its not something id ever really want, ive talked to her about her feelings on it too, and shes gotten upset to the point of shedding tears because i “suggested” she might like to sleep with another guy, we both have very strong feelings with that stuff, and i believe i know the real problem here, its not really that your too young, im only 22 right now and we are both engaged, planning the marriage for a few months from now, weve been together as you can see from my age, 6 almost 7 years now, so its not age, nor is it inexperience, its more to do with being happy with whom your with. when you are really happy with your mate, you dont want anyone else, even sexually, because your partner satisfies all things you wish. my personal belief coming from an inside view of a younger audience is that quite directly put… the modern generation is more carefree and less caring about each other. infidelity should be considered bad, unacceptable even, especially in cases where one of the couple are against it, were i in this position id tell her exactly how i feel, and if she still was intent on doing so, id tell her out right, doing that would cause me to leave, because theres no way id stay with a person looking for reasons to cheat.

  24. 54
    Kurt S.

    Chris has no balls whatsoever and should in his “man card.”  If his girlfriend is considering sleeping with other men, then she obviously doesn’t love him and he should move on and try to find a woman who does love him.

  25. 55
    Azz

    I am 25 and This happened to me in a way we have been married 4 years and together 9 she told me she wanted to experiment befor we got married i was reluctant but as time went on i warmed up to the idea and it was her way of getting me to partner swap and now we have had a great time living the lifestyle at 6 years and we still love each other and swing

  26. 56
    Ang

    I agree with Damie, I find it unfathomable to sleep with others whilst being in love with my partner. I think that anyone who wants to sleep around whilst being in a serious relationship is pretty much unfaithful inside even if they are being honest. Sexual relationship should not override love, it should be the other way round. If you think you made a mistake marrying someone who is rubbish in bed, and either cheat or want to cheat, then you should have stayed single, sleeping with anyone you wanted. The only time people should do want Lancie suggests, is if the people involved are not serious, but are having sexual dates to find a match. If you have been in a serious relationship with someone, it is not something you should do, Chris. And if people (and I am not talking about open marriages practiced by a small minority) want sexual partners after marriage, it means they have no respect for their partners or self. I am quite far-left, but I still think that ”traditional” relationships are a good thing, whether people are homosexual, bisexual or heterosexual.

  27. 57
    Connor

    As a 17 year old guy, my advice is most likely not going to influence you much but I do have a small amount of experience in this area. You see, I’ve had my girlfriend for a little over a year now and (however unlikely it may seem) we do intend to continue our relationship beyond highschool. After a lot of open honest talking with one another, we’ve come to the conclusion that in order to give us the best chance to stay together, we need to both get more experience on our own. We intend on doing this by taking little “breaks” where we are free to do as we please. I understand that this concept may seem odd but with young couples it may make things much easier down the road. Now there’s always the other option of talking to her and telling her how you realy feel. Perhaps knowing how much you care may sway her decision.

  28. 58
    ted

    if youve been together all this time over 3 years no so you say, i dont get why she has to get expeience before you are married. i think shes just looking for a way out . the only thing she seems sure about is moving out ( i hope since youre no longer exclusive) as this woman i met used to say. i hope she at least has the decency to move out so you dont have to meet her new whatever. 
    i would start preparing myself for a breakup if i were you
    good luck
     

  29. 59
    Yosh

    Oh my god, 30 is the new 20?!!?! That makes me feel a lot better! Thanks Evan!

  30. 60
    LCFR

    BRO! you are an idiot for putting up with her shit, so she gave some dude a blowjob and you took her because she is not sure if she has experience? what a lame load of shit that is. 

    If people love each other this issue should not exist. So after when she gets married she gets unsure again and then you will be a door mat and she runs off again, fuck this. Luckily there are plenty of women who give it up so easily and you dont have to commit.

    STOP BEING A WOOSE and tell the bitch to take a hike! Save yourself some headache. 

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