I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage. Why Won’t Anyone Date Me?

I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage.  Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

Dear Evan,

I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage. I used to think that women have more self-control than men, but have since realized that we are all humans.

Is it ever possible to have a year-long relationship without sex? Even the most conservative girl I’ve met gets heavy on that after a while. I feel pressured. They ask questions like “will we be doing that (whatever is the action in the movies) in future?”

I think maybe I’m the problem. I’ve been called frigid, gay (am not), etc.

There’s so much more to life than sex, right? Maybe I should look for intelligent scientists.

Jon

Dear Jon,

You sound a bit like the guy who insists on buying flowers for women on first dates. He seems like a really nice guy, but what he doesn’t get is that his views are out of step with the majority of society.

So it’s not a matter of whether he’s right or wrong; it’s a matter of whether his behavior is effective or ineffective.

When you lead your question with “I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage,” you make it abundantly clear that your moral stance is quite ineffective. That doesn’t make you wrong. That makes your choice a highly questionable one as far as most women are concerned.

And, as I am wont to do, I’m going to use this platform to ask readers to consider if they have any hard-wired minority beliefs that prevent them from making a connection. Again, I’m not a moralist; I’m a pragmatist. Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Lest you think I’m joking – that’s a true story. I had a client four years ago who was a grown-up 70’s rocker who teaches guitar lessons. Nice man. Very passionate. But in his insistence on “being himself,” he pretty much eliminated every woman who tossed her AquaNet out the window in 1989. Same goes for my Jewish client who loved his dreadlocks, and was surprised he didn’t get much attention on JDate. Somehow he was shocked that all the Ivy League women who want to marry doctors and lawyers weren’t flocking to his unwashed nest of hair. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy – it just means he had to make some tough choices: Keep the hair and lose the women. Or lose the hair and get the women.

Since I’m not a psychologist, I’m not gonna worry in this space about WHY you’d opt for abstinence. That’s between you and your clergyman. All I can say is that the number of people aboard the no-sex train is increasingly small. So as I see it, you have two choices:

Keep beating the drum that says sex is wrong outside of marriage and continue to wonder why most women keep running away, OR:

Get off your moral high horse and start sexually servicing these women the way they want to be serviced.

If not, someone else will. I guarantee that.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Justin

    While I can appreciate someone taking a religious or moral stance on the no sex before marriage issue, it comes down to a trust thing. My ex wife had no desire to be intimate prior to us being married, but said that that would “change” after we tied the knot. It didn’t change, we still didn’t have much sex at all, and we divorced.

    I’d love to find someone and wait until marriage, but I have to know for a fact without any doubt, that physical intimacy is going to be an important part of the relationship. Frankly, words don’t mean anything anymore. I’ve dated several women since my divorce and one actually told me that sex wasn’t important after marriage. She was kicked to the curb the next day.

    At this point, it’s not negotiable from my stand point. Words just don’t cut it.

  2. 62
    JerseyGirl

    It might have more to do with how you approach these women with your “I don’t do sex early” thing. That could be the real reason they are turned off, by your approach, not your message. It’s good to have certain vaules and stand up for them..it’s great infact. But how you carry it out is what matters. The difference between a Christian Fanatic and a Christian is that they have the same beliefs but they deliver their message different. And most people are turned off by fanatics of any kind.

    You also have to remember that women have been conditioned to think that men think and want sex 24/7. And that if a man doesn’t want this right away, or doesn’t push for it something is either wrong with HER (she isn’t sexy or attractive enough to him) or with him (he’s gay/not really into her). And most women want to feel so undeniably attractive to their mate that he can’t keep his hands off of her.

    With that in mind, you don’t have to negate on your beliefs. You just have to work on how you deliver that message and make sure the woman you are seeing doesn’t question your interest in her and make sure she knows that there will be sex eventually but you want to take your time.

  3. 63
    Katie

    Dear Jon
    I’ve been struggling with a similar issue, but I don’t want you to give up! I don’t feel pressured to have sex so much as I keep wondering why it’s wrong. My current boyfriend I’ve known for five years, but we’ve only been dating for four months. He’s very respectful of my decision not to have sex, but I know it’s killing him, and the truth is I want it too. I want to tell you to be strong and dont give in, thats there are lots of Christian girls out there who are waiting and I could even introduce you to a few, if you were interested. But I dont know how much encouragement I can really give you when I know any day Ill slip up and fall as an example. Good luck, I hope it goes better for you than it is for me.
    Katie

  4. 64
    BA

    Im with Emily, It does cheapen if your partner didnt wait, in such a godless world its hard. I think a virgin woman should not settle for a man who has sowed his oates because he has poor judgement and a lack of control, their are a large number of men in their 20s who are virgins just many arent brave enough to say they are.

  5. 65
    BA

    Emily, you might feel strong emotions for him but those doubts might be God telling you he has someone better. I know as a man, I would be sicken if a woman had sold herself short. They way I look at it is you have a lot of people who claim to be Christians but dont follow the bible, thats why the world hasnt change, nothing is wrong with God, its man who is flawed. When you watch porn, have pre marital sex you begin to take something about fromt eh act of sex, I never had a problem turning down sex , though I have struggled with porn, but recently I have stop cold turkey on that. STDs, Children or of wedlock and people are cool with it now.

    Bobby Cutts – adulterous man how had 7 women and killed one.

    Look at Nancy Grace and you will start to see people are paying for their sexual sins, Fornications, Adultery.

    Its hard but we of faith need to stick togethr and encouage each other I know I have prayed to God to be equally yoked with virgin bride. and with God all things are possible.

  6. 67
    Khalid

    I agree with Alice, not the response to the article.

  7. 68
    A-L

    I have to disagree with BA’s contention that there are large numbers of virgin males available for virgin women to reserve themselves for. According to a CDC report (http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/ad/ad362.pdf) here are the statistics of male virgins, by age.

    11% 22-24 years old
    4.7% 25-29 years old
    3.1% 30-34 years old
    1.9% 35-44 years old

    Male virgins exist, yes. But holding out for one, especially the older you get, is increasingly unobtainable.

    Secondly, there’s a phenomenon I observed at a divinity school where a close friend attended. At that school there was a high incidence of meeting someone, getting engaged, and married all within ONE year. Do I think that divinity students have a higher likelihood of being struck by a thunderbolt of love? No. I contend that it’s because they wanted to have sex, and felt that sex should be reserved for marriage. Therefore they married the first person they liked who liked them back. I’ve also known short courtships to not be very uncommon in churches that are more vocal about premarital abstinence.

    I believe this stance can be just as detrimental to marriages as many other factors that churches decry. If you’re not taking the time to make sure you truly know someone, are compatible with them, and are happy to make the sacrifices and compromises necessary for a lifelong commitment, then you’re setting yourself up for divorce or a very unhappy marriage. In these situations I think it would be better to have sex just so that it’s not the primary factor pushing one to the altar.

    This is why I make no special efforts to find another virgin. Besides the paucity of those men, I don’t want to find someone who only wants to marry me so he can have sex. I want the whole package, and I think that most men who’ve had sex before are looking for the same as well.

    Again, just my $0.02.

  8. 69
    Deathslayer

    This problem is easy to solve.

    If virginity is THIS important, then arrange for a chaperone to go with you on all dates, go only in public places and never alone and date for over a year…plus, you seem to be picking the SAME sort of men…either change your selection technique or go to a coutry or join a religion that arranges marriages.

    If I were going to make some suggestions for approaches which might be more useful than others, I would say start with looking at older style courtship processes.

    When I was a kid, the first question parents would ask their child who had a new love interest was “Do they come from a good family?”

    That one simple question contained a huge amount of wisdom. Look at the value system they were raised in and thus are likely to hold to. Try to meet a woman’s family. If her mother or sisters are not able to keep men or repeatedly divorced, or her dad is ajerk, or gone because he either got pushed out of the family or was a deadbeat, look somewhere else.

    There is another factor in that as well. There really is something which might be called “social capital.” A good family reputation benefits all the members of a family and a bad one harms all of them.

    From a 2006 article-thanks, del

    Furthermore, many foreign women have customs that are much better than American girls. Not that they are better than American girls, but just better at dating. Indians are allowed a few chaperoned dates before marriage. The marriage is arranged, but you can refuse and ask your parents to choose another for you.

    During these dates, most Indian girls will tell her prospective husband her faults and ask the guy what his faults are. These girls do not try to trap a guy into marriage by putting her best foot forward. Instead, they try their best to be sure that they can live with each others faults before getting married.

    American girls will try to trap you in a marriage with hot sex and seduction. They will never reveal their faults before marriage.

    Only 20 percent of Filipina marriages with American men end in divorce. This is higher than the 5 percent Indian divorce rate, but still lower than the American divorce rate of 50-60 percent. You might be surprised to find that you are incredibly lucky to have a love marriage that works because, statistically, arranged marriages are at an advantage.

    Yes, love marriages can work, too (I am an optimist). Since I am not Indian, I cannot have an arranged marriage. So, I will do the following to cut hormones out of the dating equation in order to make a rational decision about who I will marry. I will not have sex before marriage. If I get horny, I will have sex with a prostitute. I will have a pernuptial agreement to make sure we understand exactly what to expect of each other. I will serreptitiously use a voice activated lie detector on her. I will investigate her with a private detective. The latter two may seem paranoid, but you might be surprised to find that it is necessary (though not foolproof) to root out the liars. Most western women will go through ridiculous lengths to attract a husband. They wear makeup, theyll say almost anything, etc. Muslim women will hide their face (or at least their hair) and bare their faults at pre-marriage chaperoned dates. To me, makeup is a form of visual dishonesty. So, whats to stop her from verbal dishonesty?

    You might be surprised to find that the odds are against a love marriage working out. 50 to 60 percent of all love marriages in the USA end in divorce within the first 2 years. However, only 5 percent of arranged marriages end in divorce. This is because arranged marriages are not made of hormones. They are arranged with care by parents according to compatibility of the bride and groom. I had a classmate in medical school who got an arranged marriage. I thought it was weird until I ended up in a bad love marriage. She is still happily married. None of the other doctors at the hospital are happily married. Only one doctor, an Indian guy who had an arranged marriage is happily married. It is best that you marry someone who you do not love, but will grow to love because youve chosen your mate logically without hormones interfering.

    You want someone to respect your virginity, then pick men who are taught it’s value AND have something else to offer them besides a clean slate.

    Deathslayer

  9. 70
    BA

    Well, I am a 25 year old male virgin and I played sports in high school and college. No one ever asked me if I was a virgin, most these stats are b.s. that try to make young people feel about God, themslefs and chaste.

    Why would I want to obstain from sex to give my wife a gift, and the only gift she is giving me is she has had sex with some other men?

    I believe in repentence but I know even If I do marry a woman who has had sex before me I would honestly tell her after we had sex that is a dissapointment she isnt a virgin and it cheapens that in our relationship, not to say I wouldnt love her but I would kind of look at me waiting for marriage to marry a person who didnt as cheapened. I wouldnt bring it up to her but I would surely tell her if she asked so how was your first time, I would say much better if you had been a virgin as well. So I would say its not as exciting as it would have been if you had held out.

    As a man I dont want to even marry a woman has had kids with another man, like if i have a child with a woman I want to experience that with her for the first time as wella s sex.

    Now my goal might lead to a very lonely and painful life, but I know if I met a woman who I loved and found out she had sex with other men it would cheapen the marriage for me.

    A woman having a kid would definitely kill the deal, I would never marry a woman who has had kids, been divorces or who has had another sexual partner.

    I believe or I ope that with God all things are possible and I hope he leads me to a nice virgin woman who has held my same values, I dont want one of these born again virgins who slept around with any and everything and now after all those bad boys have broke their hearts want a realtionship with me a nice guy, I can honestly say I turned down sex quite a bit 4 years in college why not have a spouse who done the same.

    THis is a painful part of life but hey unless i find another virgin, I much rather die alone.

  10. 71
    BA

    TO AL

    My father was and adutlerss. My mother was a sorry wife who laid around felt sorry for herself.

    If a woman would judge me based on my family I think they would lose out.

    I have been baptised in the name of the Lord Jesus.
    I have a college education.
    I dont drink or smoke.
    I have never had premartial oral or sex( which is a turn off to many women)

    But I have a strong set or morals and values. My father now still lives as a proud adultery. My mother is a Godless woman who dabbles in sorcery.

    My father has almost nothing to do with me and my mother spites me.

    I never been arrested, though I did back slide a lil from 22-25 I could never bring myself to fornicate or even lay with a married woman and I had my chances but each ttim turned away. I want something speical and real. I am embarassed by my family thats why I am anti fornication and adultery I have seen the pain it causes. My father has 8 brothers and sisters who only 1 has never been divorces much is the same on my mothers side.

    I am the only one who follows jesus christ. I have been baptise din his name and now I am waiting for the holy spirt.

    I am 25 and I like to have wholesome fun, I work out, go to musems, run on the beach and I have other dreams.

    I pray that Lord Jesus, grants me the desires of my heart but he doenst have to and I am find dying a lonely life but I will be in the church and I will be doing good by the poor and praying for all righeous and unrighteous.

    I just want a virgin bride like myself, because I dont want a woman who settled for others because I didnt settle for others thanks to the Lord Jesus Christ.

  11. 72
    BA

    Another thing to so called Christians….. The bible says the a young WIDOW should remarry because she will grow weary of the lord. AND WIDOWS Should REMARRY but to you who marry and your first spouses are still living you commit ADULTERY….

    When Jesus was talking about accept it be adutlery he was talking about someone being engaged to be married. When Marry became pregnant to jesus she was engaged to Joseph and in those days when one was engaged they call them Husband and Wife though they had not yet married.

    So to all you Christian hypocrites with you 2nd and 3rd marriages please save it with the bulcrap Im saving it for marriage. What ar eyou saving it for? Your not a virgin you have 3 and 4 kids, and what is this your 2nd and 3rd marriage your first spouse still lives….. Jesus Christ says you are married to your husand or wife as long as THEY SHOULD LIVe , but he said if you CANT LIVE WITH A SPOUSE SEPERATE, do not be fooled if you happen to in YOUR POOR JUGDEMENT marry a wicked man separate if he beats you or your children or is bringing STDs home but he is still your HUSBAND UNTILL DEATH separeates you for BETTER OR FOR WORSE.

  12. 73
    hunter

    to A-L,

    Keep in mind, most women marry from the neck down, men, mostly, marry with a certificate in hand….

  13. 74
    Michael Ejercito

    Only 20 percent of Filipina marriages with American men end in divorce.

    What about Filipino marriages with American women?

  14. 75
    A-L

    Hunter: I need clarification on your comment. Afraid I’m too dense to grasp what you’re saying here.

    BA: I think you intended to direct your comment about looking at someone’s family to Deathslayer, not me, as he was the one who put forth the idea of assessing the potential mate’s family as important background info.

    In terms of where the statistics are coming from, they’re from the Center for Disease Control, an agency that’s part of our federal government. Yes, there are statistics out there that aren’t very credible, but I think these are. As I said in my previous post, male virgins exist. But in your age group, that’s less than 5% of the population. And if you’re looking for a virgin bride, that’s no more than 7% of the women your age (see a previous post of mine in this thread for further details). And as you age, the number of virgins (male & female) will decrease.

    In terms of your spouse’s sexual history, I don’t think it’s that important (see post #51). But if you’re willing to wait, and risk never marrying, rather than to compromise on this issue, that’s your choice. But if you do marry a nonvirgin, please don’t tell her how her sexual past has cheapened your marriage. That would be very destructive, and in all likelihood quite self-defeating. If you believe that saving yourself is a gift for your spouse, then it’s not something to hold over her head because she can’t give you the same gift.

  15. 76
    hunter

    to A-L,

    Women mostly, “bond” with a man by having sex. Women mostly, are exclusive, socially and sexually, when they have sex with a man. So, the saying, women marry from the neck down.

  16. 77
    gabby

    How can abstinence”Out of step”??? That is not something that goes in and out of fashion like stone washed jeans and big hair.
    Someone’s beliefs as pertaining to religionn transcend time. The secular view in America has changed to become more promiscuous, but that doesn’t make it right.

    In the end, it’s not society you answer to Jon, it’s God. Stick to your guns and you’ll find a gal who agrees with your way of life. Don’t give up.

  17. 79
    Missy

    I don’t see what the problem is; are there really THAT many middle aged women out there that have issues with a guy who doesn’t want to grope them on the first date? Personally I’d find it rather refreshing to not be pressured during those first few weeks of dating.

    My advice is to look in your own circles; those circles might be bible study groups or… well I’m not sure what else. But you see where I’m getting at, yes? You don’t go looking in a disco for a girl who likes to spend a quiet night at home, and you don’t go trolling the bars or the internet for a girl who doesn’t have lots of hot sex near the top of her priority list.

    You’ll find someone for you, I’m sure. And if not your spirit will eventually be broken down by society and you might start to rationalize that strong morals and beliefs have no place in modern relationships. Either one.

  18. 80
    hunter

    to Missy,

    I admire your choice of words.

  19. 81
    Sleepless in...

    I hope I haven’t set some kind of record in a no sex relationship.

    I dated a widowed (for 3 years) Christian woman for about 4 years. Early on (when we were just friends) she told me she felt so out of step with todays morals and did not believe in pre-marital sex, even after marriage. She grew up in the 50′s when this was much more the norm. Even her friends told her that she was no longer a virgin and was happy that I was in her life.

    I had no issue with this as we were just friends and had no sexual interest in her at that time. We did hang out together most weekends. I grew to enjoy my time and “dates” with her. She wanted to be “wined and dined” and take up from her dating years 30 years prior. I just liked hanging out and doing things together. After a maybe 6 months, she initiated some hugging and kissing and I slowly became interested in her physically. She told me that asked her friends what was wrong with me for not initiating something. I never told her I wasn’t interested in her in that way and besides knew her moral convictions were deep. I guess she wanted to be kissed and do what she did as a young dating woman. But today, few guys will stop at that. I did.

    She would put the brakes on and I felt like a teenager with a parent always there! We could not go in her bedroom, only the couch or floor. It took forever for her to trust me. I eventually made her see how foolish this was being adults today and all. We never had intercourse, or got totally nude, just kissing, rubbing and petting (me to her). Often for many hours.

    Over time, this drove me crazy and I was much more sexual than she was and it was tormenting me physically and mentally. I know this affected her at Church and I am sure she confessed it all. I didn’t share her religion and don’t believe in any man of the cloth telling me how to live my life. I was upset that we could only go so far in the relationship and knew in my heart that we were wrong for each other, we often irritated each other and she was very quickly angered and controlling of me. I should have left but was in love, stupid and weak.

    Eventually, she would not let me touch her at all and we saw each other less and less. She would not talk about it. It was off and on and finally we broke it off. I never got a solid reason. I know menopause kicked in big time which didn’t help. Today it is simply a lesson learned as life has been better for me without her.

    My take on this subject is that it is up to the individuals and have different morals, backgrounds ans beliefs that we have to work and live with. It may be better to live within your beliefs and better if you can find someone else who feels the same. It would likely not work or be fair to try to change someone, even yourself.

  20. 82
    David

    Selena, I think sexual compatibility is something that can be achieved through the course of a relationship.

    Read the article on the posted link to see where I’m coming from.

    David

  21. 83
    Veryman

    I’m in my late 30′s and PROUDLY virgin. I am also proud of my accomplishments on the personal and the professional level and I am at peace with myself. I have enough self confidence that I never felt needy for someone’s approval of my manhood. And yes, I make it clear from the start that I am ONLY into marriage.
    The choice circle is small but I’m not the only one out there. It’s only a matter of time to get to share the REST AND BEST of my life with the right woman; one who have saved her self for someone trustworthy and GENUINE. Too bad, many women keep falling for the same jerks but they don’t realize they just ask for it.
    Anyway, I truly believe it’s up to anyone to choose their own way; isn’t that what makes us unique? I know it’s hard to stick to high morals nowadays but look..this is quite the NORM in other societies.
    No one should compromise their INTEGRITY just to join the big herd. Those who would not or could not hold on to the TOP should not tease others to join them DOWN in this fake heaven.
    Let’s leave some room for VIRTUE to grow in this world before it turns too ugly for everyone. True believers have to remember they were meant to be MINORITY, not only on the chastity level but also on all morals. Isn’t lying and selfishness becoming prevalent? Doesn’t it take patience and courage to hold on to honesty and kindness?
    Believers whether morals or religious have to accept the challenges and hold on until they redeem the rewards now or later; call it FAITH.

  22. 84
    Someone

    Hi, I am a 21 year old woman who is a virgin and my boyfriend who is 25 is a virgin too. Of course for many people is weird, but in reality is nothing out of this world. We are two sexual people and we are fun, we are just creative. I though it was impossible to find a virgin man and was accustomed that all men in the world my age were not virgins anymore and my future bf was not going to be a virgin, but it turned to be the opposite way, and we are very happy we ourselves. Because you are a virgin that doesn’t mean you have to be extremely reserved and cold, etc. I find my b.f irresistible because he is proud that he is a virgin, he works out, has a great body, he is very sexy. Many people would think that we are weird and wrong but no, what matter is that we are happy.

  23. 85
    Sahaja

    Look, Jon asked Evan his opinion and he got his answer. Everyone has their own personal opinion and that falls true to their own life. And opinions can change. I think a lot of the comments were unrelated to Jon’s specific question – What does quoting statistics about filipino marriages and chaperoned dates have to do with him? Jon, honestly, do what is best for you by finding your target audience. I agree with some of the commenters above that since this important to you, you need to find someone who finds that equally important. I am sure there has to be dating sites out there for people who want to wait until marriage – I am not sure what religion you are, or even if you are waiting for religious reasons, but maybe finding a dating site with the same religion as yours would be an idea. I hope you find your dream woman and here’s to your happy hunting!

  24. 86
    Lucy

    I believe in saving your virginity for marriage too. Therefore, my boyfriend is breaking up with me, because he cannot accept it. He think if I love him, I would give him everything. I simply think he’s not respecting my belief.

  25. 87
    Lucy

    After reading back, I feel much better to know there are some people out there holding the same belief as I do despite my boyfriend keeps telling me there is no one there out there like you, if you prefer ending a relationship over saving your virginity, it would be hard for you to find the right person for you. I am 28 and my boyfriend is 32,he’s not a virgin, I just cannot understand why he can’t do the same while I am not imposing my belief on him,

  26. 88
    Karl R

    Lucy (#86 & #87) stated:
    “I believe in saving your virginity for marriage too. Therefore, my boyfriend is breaking up with me, because he cannot accept it.”
    “I simply think hes not respecting my belief.”
    “hes not a virgin, I just cannot understand why he cant do the same while I am not imposing my belief on him”

    Technically you’re correct. You’re not imposing your belief on your boyfriend that he should wait until marriage for sex. But you are imposing that behavior on him, even though he does not believe in it. If he chooses not to follow that behavior, his options are to break up with you, or to cheat on you.

    That may not technically be imposing your belief on him, but the effective difference is very small.

  27. 89
    Lucy

    Karl R, maybe you are right, i am imposing on him in some way or other. someone has to make concession when there is a difference on major issue in a relationship if we want to keep it going. I admitted it I could not completely let go but Not a second in my life have I doubted my belief .I would not give up my belief in order to accommodate his. After breakup, he still called back and wanted to maintian a brother-sister relationship at the same time encourage me to make new boyfriend. I do not know what’s going on in his mind.

  28. 90
    Karl R

    Lucy (#89) said:
    “After breakup, he still called back and wanted to maintian a brother-sister relationship at the same time encourage me to make new boyfriend. I do not know whats going on in his mind.”

    I’ve remained friends with a couple girlfriends after the breakup. It’s convenient if the two of you run across each other on a regular basis. If you think you need some space (temporarily or permanently), you have every right to request it.

    I had one girlfriend who seemed particularly interested in seeing me find another girlfriend after we split. It was my impression that she was (overly) concerned that I’d been hurt by the split, and it made her feel better to see me move on.

    There could be a different for him wanting to stay friends, and a different for him wanting to see you get a new boyfriend. But there are fairly normal reasons why he could be acting that way.

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