I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage. Why Won’t Anyone Date Me?

I Think Sex Is Wrong Outside Marriage.  Why Won't Anyone Date Me?

Dear Evan,

I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage. I used to think that women have more self-control than men, but have since realized that we are all humans.

Is it ever possible to have a year-long relationship without sex? Even the most conservative girl I’ve met gets heavy on that after a while. I feel pressured. They ask questions like “will we be doing that (whatever is the action in the movies) in future?”

I think maybe I’m the problem. I’ve been called frigid, gay (am not), etc.

There’s so much more to life than sex, right? Maybe I should look for intelligent scientists.


Dear Jon,

You sound a bit like the guy who insists on buying flowers for women on first dates. He seems like a really nice guy, but what he doesn’t get is that his views are out of step with the majority of society.

So it’s not a matter of whether he’s right or wrong; it’s a matter of whether his behavior is effective or ineffective.

When you lead your question with “I keep losing relationships when I say that sex isn’t right outside of a marriage,” you make it abundantly clear that your moral stance is quite ineffective. That doesn’t make you wrong. That makes your choice a highly questionable one as far as most women are concerned.

And, as I am wont to do, I’m going to use this platform to ask readers to consider if they have any hard-wired minority beliefs that prevent them from making a connection. Again, I’m not a moralist; I’m a pragmatist. Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Just because a guy tells me that his mullet hairstyle is the purest expression of how he likes to look, doesn’t mean that wearing his mullet in his online dating photo will help him woo the ladies.

Lest you think I’m joking – that’s a true story. I had a client four years ago who was a grown-up 70’s rocker who teaches guitar lessons. Nice man. Very passionate. But in his insistence on “being himself,” he pretty much eliminated every woman who tossed her AquaNet out the window in 1989. Same goes for my Jewish client who loved his dreadlocks, and was surprised he didn’t get much attention on JDate. Somehow he was shocked that all the Ivy League women who want to marry doctors and lawyers weren’t flocking to his unwashed nest of hair. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy – it just means he had to make some tough choices: Keep the hair and lose the women. Or lose the hair and get the women.

Since I’m not a psychologist, I’m not gonna worry in this space about WHY you’d opt for abstinence. That’s between you and your clergyman. All I can say is that the number of people aboard the no-sex train is increasingly small. So as I see it, you have two choices:

Keep beating the drum that says sex is wrong outside of marriage and continue to wonder why most women keep running away, OR:

Get off your moral high horse and start sexually servicing these women the way they want to be serviced.

If not, someone else will. I guarantee that.


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  1. 181

    While I realize this is a very unpopular point of view, some believe in waiting because they believe they answer to a higher power and are more concerned with how God judges him or her than how the world judges.  Some are not willing to compromise certain convictions and principles just to have a date.

  2. 182
    dove of love

    He’s wrong. Never let go of your morals,beliefs,or faith because it’s not what the vast majority is doing. Your Patience will one day be rewarded.. and when you do find that special woman..trust me she will be happy that u saved something that special for her.be strong and look elsewhere for women who also share your beliefs on purity.

  3. 183

    Sleepless in 81 – how can I say this sweetly? It strikes me that the lady in question did not know which way she was going.
    Being from the same age group, I’m familiar with the “God wants you to…….etc.” I think it is clearer and fairer to say from the start to the man what your truth is with that man.
    For me, although I was brought up in a religious background, I tend to focus on the man in front of me.  If I don’t feel safe/confident/able to have sex with him, then I don’t but neither would I let him kiss/cuddle and pet me.
    It’s called being honest.
    In case someone misunderstands me, I’m a passionate woman, I enjoy sex but putting the brakes on when the car is travelling fast and saying a sweet prayer to backtrack is just not on.

  4. 184

    People like Jon should do what they believe is right, not what other people tell them. As others have said, look in the right places. Your chastity is far more important than having a girlfriend, so I hope you will wait until you find someone who respects your value and can raise their standards instead of asking you to lower yours.

  5. 185

    I really admire your values and courage. I am now 72 and thank God I was not born today. I am really now looking forward to my ‘end of days’. The whole world is going down the toilet. We actually managed to communicate without mobile phones etc. The youth of today are never going to experience the wonderful life as portrayed in the sitcom, ‘Happy Days’. I did, when girls were virgins when they married. The guys put girls on pedestals and loved and respected them. Like, opening doors, pulling a chair out for them to sit, guiding through busy areas with a simple assisting arm behind their backs, giving up seats on public transport, a flirtive kiss on the first date. A bunch of flowers to indicate their interest, the list goes on and on.
    If the future continues as at the present, sod everyone but myself, where will it end?
    Women should be nurtured and respected. If they are treated, as today, another male friend to have intercourse and add to a males notch on his gun. So help us all! 

  6. 186

    If you don’t believe in sex outside of marriage, i will assume you are a strong believer in God (most likely christian), and if this is the case, you shouldn’t be looking to secular forums for answers to your question.
    There are a number of reasons why a woman doesn’t want to stay with you when you say no sex before marriage.
    1. She probably thinks she’s undesired
    2. that if she isn’t giving you sex outside of marriage the relationship cannot possibly be
    3. She’s not Christian or mature enough to respect your request.
    I chose to remain abstinent, and I still am (4 years now), until marriage. I can’t even tell you how many men didn’t stick around after they found out (which was usually within the first month of our friendship), and some of them were even Christian! 
    You need to trust God with your decision and know that he WILL give you a woman who will respect your view. Ive been with my boyfriend for a year now, and yes, its HELL-UH difficult for us, but we know that it’s best for us until marriage. (and he admitted to me that he was abstinent before i did.. so he wasn’t just saying it to keep me looped on his finger while he messes around..)

  7. 187
    ryan billingsley

    I think if someone believes that being celibate before marriage is beneficial, they need to be able to communicate why to their partner without bringing religion into the conversation.   I am not stating God shouldn’t be central part of your relationship, but one needs to articulate the reason without stating because the Bible says so.
    Also, there are many ways to make a girl feel desired without the actual act of sex.   I highly doubt that women are leaving him just because he doesn’t have sex before marriage.    My guess is they don’t feel valued or desired by him.   

  8. 188
    ryan billingsley

    When someone states a certain moral code (no sex before marriage), we have preconceived notions of what this person is like.    
    I am fine with no sex before marriage.   But I am not fine with someone who is a religious legalists.  I am not fine with someone who believes that the Earth is 6000 yrs old.  I am not fine with someone who believes that unbelievers are spending eternity in flames of hell.    I am not fine with someone who thinks Sarah Palin and Kirk Cameron are awesome. 

    1. 188.1

      You are free not to be fine with those people that value what you disdain. And they are free not to stop valuing those things to be considered approval-worthy.

  9. 189

    Dear Jon,

    I am giving you a standing ovation for your belief system.  I too feel that sex is for marriage and to be protected within the security of a commitment founded on love.  I think the responses you have received are a sign of the times.  With the divorce rate so high and other issues that spill over from this issue have gotten to the point that people truly want to ask why it will make perfect sense that the character of the person is what is to be questioned.  All my best  

  10. 190

    I don’t want intimacy before marriage I wish that they wouldn’t force it but also the man woman buzz has to be there.there are many people and women who do not want intimacy before marriage.Some of the comments here for not consider being taken advantage of.
    He’s not out dated.it is cruel and hypocritical how soc predates on us as younger to brainwash us and when we get pregnant make us name fathers etc.I am fed up with religious hatred being used to.I didn’t get to read it fully but pray.there are women who want to wait.it is good if we leave before intimacy as no harm done.it is the same as it is for sexually active people only they give themselves away before and they decide they are not going to stay.I hate the anger when one says no it frightenes me in law this is coercion.they even try to attribute it to psychiatric problems to get you /to do what they(society ) want you to be that’s insane and cruel and coercion.and more and more.if you compromise yourself you will grieve.don’t maybe they are not the right people for you.i
    t takes longer and then I Emden be able to hold a job down too it wild have to be OK.

    You don’t have to have sex to see if you ate going to “fit together”

  11. 191

    Like it’s been said if you don’t want sex fine, but unless you are looking for a virgin someone who has had it in high probability will want that feeling again. Digital stimulation is perfectly acceptable, if she respects your boundaries and you acknowledge her needs. I personally think oral is a rather intimate act. The fact that there will be physical chemistry with women you don’t think are right is the reason to give a little so you can give a chance to good match by not rejecting her for naturally feeling aroused by you. 

  12. 192

    I take my hat off to you. Where are all the men like you hiding? If I had one wish it would be that more men would see it the way you do. I sincerely hope you find a good woman who appreciates your values. Best wishes

  13. 193

    I wish I could meet Jon. He’s just the kind of guy I’m looking for. It makes me angry to read things telling him to compromise his beliefs. I sincerely hope he didn’t follow the “advice” given to him in this article and I hope he found a nice woman spend his life with. We may be a minority but those of us who hold to the sex-only-within-marriage view are still out there.

  14. 194

    Hey Jon!

    Congratulations for sticking with your values. I personally don’t believe a person with your belief system is “high & mighty” or prudish for putting a high value on sex. And from looking at the very high divorce right of modern times should tell everyone the our “modern” values aren’t working anymore in solving problems then the values of some generations ago.
    Sex does not solve problems nor does it increase compatibility. And it’s been proven time and time again that a sex relationship without any sense of love or responsibility to another person doesn’t last. That’s why so many people who put sex before love go from person to person to person. No matter how good it is at 1st boredom is guaranteed to set in….or you find someone you ACTUALLY fall in love with.
    That being said this site is the wrong place to get advice. It’s best to seek out a church or even an internet group that believes as you do. They may be in the minority but they are out there. I’m sure you will find women who value the sex act as you do.

  15. 195

    I think it’s important to not that Jon did NOT cite a religious reason for his views. I’m not really Christian and I’ve had this view as a previous staunch atheist.

    And to tell someone to get “off his moral high horse” is a high horse in itself. It’s beyond cavalier and dismissive. Give me a break.

    It’s unfortunate that such a view limits his dating choices so severely and he’s the only one to suffer here for his view. So it’s curious to hear such a backlash for his statements. Really – is there a person here that doesn’t “judge” a date based on perceived values? Really? Is that not an advisable thing to do?

    1. 195.1

      I love your response! Good for you for sticking up for Jon. I could not believe the “get off your moral high horse” comment. I can’t believe so many people have such a negative perception of someone that wants to have sex out of love for someone. And as you mentioned, a person doesn’t necessarily have to abstain for religious purposes. I know I certainly wouldn’t want to date someone that wanted to go to bed right away.

  16. 196

    Evan, this is an incredibly rude response to this man’s question. To some people sex is a sacred thing between a man and a woman who truly love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together — not something just to do for fun.
    Good for you for having a higher set of morals than most people.

  17. 197

    Sexual satisfaction is really very important in a marriage. Not being sexually satisfied can be a deal breaker. And not all couples are sexually compatible. No offense to the folks who wait, but it’s just not logical to wait until you’re already married to be sure that your spouse will meet your needs in bed. Good luck finding your girl, and do consider easing up on your abstinence. There are things you can do that do not cross the line of actual intercourse.

    1. 197.1

      I would agree. Waiting is not logical to most of secular society.

  18. 198

    Evan is right. In this day and age, waiting for sex is completely unrealistic and he will continue to lose relationships until he changes this about himself. Everyone has their own religious beliefs, but let’s get real. No woman wants a virgin long term. No woman. It is the same with woman who want to stay virgins until marriage. I respect their beliefs, but practically every man is going to want sex before marriage.

    1. 198.1

      And most folks will compromise on those beliefs. I guess it all depends on what is more important to an individual.

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