Should My Sexually Inexperienced Boyfriend Sow More Wild Oats Before We Marry?

Should My Sexually Inexperienced Boyfriend Sow More Wild Oats Before We Marry

My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties, live together, and have a very healthy, equal relationship. We speak comfortably and openly about our problems and insecurities, but there is one we just can’t seem to solve: I have had a significantly larger number of sexual partners than he has. I spent my early and mid- twenties however I wanted: I bought a home by myself, I went to concerts alone, I backpacked through the mountains with pals on weekends. And I had casual sexual relationships with men and women whose company I enjoyed. To be clear, I was always responsible, mature, and sober. I did not lower my standards to get laid, or market myself as a “bimbo” for attention. I just really liked people, good conversation, and sex. I had great experiences that helped me determine what compromises I could make and what behavior I would not stand for, and I eventually realized that men and women can have equal partnerships and respect each other.

My boyfriend is the opposite. He is a serial monogamist who can count the number of women he’s kissed on one hand. We were friends for years before getting together, and even when I tried to wingman him at bars, he was never interested in casual hook-ups.

Now, he might sometimes tease me that I’ve been with more girls than he has, but we both agree that numbers don’t matter and that the past is the past. The problem is that both of us have these little bits of doubt. He worries that I’m too hypersexual to be satisfied with just him, when really, I never would have committed if I felt he stifled me in any way. If anything, I am glad that I have dated and experienced such a variety of partners. I am 100% confident that I want to be with him, unlike some of my friends, both male and female, who married before they discovered exactly what they wanted out of life or a partner and now have Grass is Greener Syndrome.

So while my boyfriend worries that I want some exotic fling, for the first time in my life, I am happily hunkered down at home with someone I have real feelings for. On a similar note, however, I do worry that he hasn’t experienced enough variety to be so certain about me. Don’t most men want to sleep around? We have been talking about marriage and it will break my heart if five or ten years down the road he decides he needs more than just me. I have even suggested that he go on a trip with friends and have a free pass to at least MEET other women. His past relationships were with sexually conservative and religious girls and I am by far the kinkiest, so I worry he doesn’t know what else is out there. Even when we were just friends he would tell me he was too shy to hit on strangers. Is he settling for me because I was bold enough to make the first move?

I have heard many times from men that they could never marry a girl who had a higher number of sexual partners. Do I need to encourage him to take some time to be a little promiscuous before he marries me?

Vittoria

Dear Vittoria,

His insecurity is that you will not be satisfied with just him.

Your insecurity is that you will not be satisfied with just him.

Try taking “yes” for an answer and enjoy your life with this shy, devoted guy.

If you assure him that you’re satisfied with just him, both of your insecurities go away.

Your boyfriend doesn’t want more sexual experience. He’s satisfied with what he has right now, a kinky, hypersexual woman who wants to marry him. Who could blame the guy?

Try taking “yes” for an answer and enjoy your life with this shy, devoted guy.

Love,

Evan

P.S. If you need more than that, check out this email from a man whose girlfriend wants to get more sexual experience before she settles down. I don’t predict a happy ending for them.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    jeremy

    From the OP’s description of her boyfriend, he sounds like marriage-material. He sounds like a man who WANTS to commit to one woman and stay that way. Of course, there are no guarantees in life, but such a man is more likely to remain faithful IMHO compared to a man with a promiscuous past.

    It is somewhat ironic that Evan posted this letter shortly after the post about choice addiction. Would the OP feel more confident that this man would remain satisfied in the bounds of marriage if he had a promiscuous past? Because studies show the opposite.

    In fact, not to disparage the OP in any way, but I wonder why a person with her history would suddenly be interested in marriage. If a person has always viewed sex and relationships as casual and fun, why the sudden epiphany to want to “lock it down”? If anyone is at risk of straying in the future, it is more likely the partner who has always viewed relationships as casual and disposable, rather than the one who is hardwired for monogamy.

    I wonder how much of the OP’s worry about her future husband’s future dis-satisfaction is projection of her own (perhaps subconscious) fears in that regard.

    1. 1.1
      Karl S

      I’m with Jeremy in assuming that if anyone gets the Grass is Always Greener syndrome down the track it will be the OP because her natural tendency was towards the casual side. I’ve been reading about loss aversion lately. In economics and decision theory, loss aversion refers to people’s tendency to strongly prefer avoiding losses to acquiring gains. Most studies suggest that losses are twice as powerful, psychologically, as gains. What the OP would lose is the freedom to go home with all those people she clicks with like to used to. That’s not to say that people who sleep around in their youth can’t settle down into happy and successful committed marriages (Evan being a prime example), but I imagine it takes a greater force of will, at least in the earlier stages of commitment, to ignore those little niggles and impulses because intellectually you know that you’ve landed the right partner.

    2. 1.2
      MaryAnne

      Funny as my now ex husband was nine years older than I.  I had fun in my teens and younger years, but he was far more experienced and was a ladies man.  He said to me that he thought before we married that I should sew my oats before we settled down.  I said no, I had no interest in that.  He said ok.  We married, I was the one who was faithful and a good wife and mother and while I was raising our children he was the one sewing the oats he already sewed for years.  Ironic.  If I were the boyfriend I would be leary that you would think it would be ok for me to cheat.  If a person truly loves you they wouldn’t want to share you with another person.  I hope to find a man like your man someday.

  2. 2
    Dina Strange

    I’ve always believed that people of equal caliber must be together. I feel that eventually her boyfriend will stray. But again, this is just my opinion, perhaps he won’t.

    I wish them both the best though…

    1. 2.1
      Morris

      Why would he be the one to stray? It seems he is the one that has been true to himself from the beginning. She is the one who has changed.

      To be honest I think this is a marriage that is highly likely to fail. Women want to marry more than men yet file for divorce 2/3 of the time. In all likelihood this marriage will not turn out like she hoped.

      This isn’t to say she/he is bad or anything. I actually agree that equal caliber people probably fit better in marriage. But in this case he isn’t changing his ways. But she is. Maybe she needs to be truer to herself and find someone more like her.

  3. 3
    starthrower68

    Let it be. Don’t borrow trouble.

  4. 4
    Tom10

    @ jeremy #1
    “I wonder why a person with her history would suddenly be interested in marriage. If a person has always viewed sex and relationships as casual and fun, why the sudden epiphany to want to “lock it down”?

    Two possible reasons I reckon: 1) She wants kids, or 2) she wants to check off the dating hamster wheel whilst at her maximum sexual/relationship value. Or both. A sensible strategy one could argue.

    @ Dina strange #2
    “I feel that eventually her boyfriend will stray.”

    That’s interesting. Like jeremy, I would have thought the odds of straying are higher with the party who is (by her own admission) “by far the kinkiest” woman her boyfriend has ever met, and who has an extensive promiscuous past, rather than the party with a history of serial monogamous relationships.

    ——————————–

    My take on the Op’s situation is that she actually hit the dating/relationship jackpot. She lived her “early and mid-twenties however [she] wanted” enjoying multiple casual relationships with men and women whose company she enjoyed. Now that she is at her prime she has found a guy with a track record of monogamous relationships who wants to settle down with her. Bingo. In fact, most guys probably dream of doing the same.

    However, she’s not entirely satisfied and I wonder why. It’s almost like she has some sort of inverse “Madonna/whore” complex. If I was in her shoes I would be delighted. Maybe it doesn’t work the other way around.

    Evan’s Answer:
    “If you assure him that you’re satisfied with just him, both of your insecurities go away”

    Can’t argue with that.

    1. 4.1
      JJ

      Where does it say she is not satisfied with him? It only says she worries he hasn’t been around enough. It says she IS satisfied with him…am I reading it wrong?

  5. 5
    marymary

    I find myself agreeing with the men here, she seems the one more likely to stray.
    Don’t encourage him to have sex with other people before you get married, that’s nuts!
    I say, stay as you are, see how you get on, maybe get engaged in a year or two.

  6. 6
    ladyengineer

    It seems the letter writer is projecting herself onto her boyfriend. I’ve learned in relationships that each person needs be confident in what they want and need and not assume the other person has your same life experience, desires and perspective. If her boyfriend is perfectly content being monogamous and doesn’t want more varied experience, then that’s great for him, and her if she accepts it! However, if he is actually desiring more experience, then they should talk about it. It’s different than a similar situation I recently had, where I started dating someone who is an incredible late bloomer and has such little experience, being together felt like being with a teenager trying to figure out how to talk to, respect and relate to a woman, and even know how to kiss properly. In that case, I had to let him go, it was just too painful to stick around to try to get him up to speed. I didn’t want to fix him. And he wasn’t really ready for a serious relationship anyways. In that case I think he’d be better off experimenting around a bit with some perhaps younger girls who are also experimenting and maturing a bit to know how to have a good relationship with a woman.

  7. 7
    Karl R

    Vittoria,
    Not all men care whether their girlfriend/wife has had more partners. Some do (which would explain the men who have expressed that opinion to you). Trust your boyfriend to know which category he’s in.

    Likewise, he needs to trust you when you say you’ve had enough experience to know that you’re happy with him, and just him.

    1. 7.1
      Jeremy

      In this case, Karl R, I disagree with your comment.

      Certain people exhibit dopamine addiction. These are people who constantly seek out new and exciting experiences. Always travelling, always searching for new relationships, always searching for fun. Sounds great, right? Problem is, these same people tend to get bored when experiences get old, when they feel locked down.

      There are people whose personalities are well suited for marriage, and others whose personalities are not. I obviously don’t know the OP – all I have to go on is her letter. But her writing suggests a dopaminergic personality – someone on the far end of the Myers-Brigggs J-P scale (where J is a “judging” personality and P is a “perceptive” personality who likes to keep things open).

      It isn’t about having enough experience to know that you don’t want anyone else. It’s about what you’re looking for in the first place. It’s entirely possible to seek marriage, yet have numerous relationships that fail, for one reason or another. Such a person seeks monogamy and marriage, and stands a decent chance of being happy if he/she finds it. But a person who seeks fun and adventure and flits from person to person…and then suddenly changes lanes to seek marriage? Less likely to be happy in the long run, once the dopamine runs out.

      1. 7.1.1
        Karl R

        Jeremy,
        You’re making a lot of assumptions without evidence to back them up. Vittoria describes her past this way, “I just really liked people, good conversation, and sex.” On the Myers-Brigs, that sounds like an E. She goes on to say, “I am 100% confident that I want to be with him,” which may even indicate that she could be a J.

        Furthermore, she doesn’t describe herself as a sensation junkie. The activities she describes (buying a home, going to concerts, backpacking with friends) aren’t the sort of activities that scream “sensation junkie” to me.

        Furthermore, can you show me a shred of evidence that people who rate as a P on Myers-Briggs tend to be dopamine addicts (or that they’re sensation junkies)?

        If you wish to continue this line of conversation conversation, you might find it helpful to read a little basic information first.

        Information on dopamine:
        http://www.theguardian.com/science/2013/feb/03/dopamine-the-unsexy-truth

        Information on Myers-Briggs in relationships:
        http://www.typefinder.com/story/compatibility-and-your-myers-briggs-personality-type
        (The last couple paragraphs seem to be the most relevant.)

        1. jeremy

          Thanks for the links, Karl R, though my knowledge both of dopamine/neurochemistry and MBTI/personality theory happens to run quite a bit deeper than those basics. Rest assured that if you and I disagree on this topic (as we may), it will not be for any lack of background on my part.

          I agree with you that evidence is scarce in this situation, as all we have to go on is the OP’s letter. Having said that, there is some evidence of a “P” personality. The OP wrote: ” I spent my early and mid- twenties however I wanted”. A “J” personality spends their early 20s doing what is expected and scheduled (kind of like this woman’s BF), not freely according to the whim of the moment. That behaviour is the definition of a P personality.

          She wrote ” I bought a home by myself, I went to concerts alone, I backpacked through the mountains with pals on weekends.” With the exception of buying the home, these activities are sensation-seeking activities. That is not a moral or value-judgment, just an observation. The multiple hook-ups, the casual relationships, the desire for the sensation of both male and female partners – these all indicate a personality that seeks sensation and experiences. That would be a P personality by definition.

          Frankly, the fact that the OP can’t understand that her BF might not want or need the same type of experiences is even more evidence to her P personality, and it shows up when contrasted with his apparent J personality.

          It is not a question of introversion vs extraversion – though she certainly does seem an extrovert. Extroversion explains her love of being with people, but P explains her love of experience.

          This is what leads me to question the very sentence that you bring to suggest she might be a J personality. She wrote “I am 100% confident that I want to be with him.” Hmmm, that does sound like a J personality. And the very fact that everything else that she wrote screams P and this screams J makes me question it. The fact that she seems to be projecting a fear of commitment on her partner (who shows no such fear) leads me to believe that it is SHE who may harbor such fear.

          Karl, you wrote: “Can you show me a shred of evidence that people who rate as a P on Myers-Briggs tend to be dopamine addicts (or that they’re sensation junkies)?” I don’t know of specific studies done in this regard, but the answer to your question is pretty obvious from looking individually at both dopamine and the definition of a P personality. Dopamine is the chemical associated with new and exciting experience, as well as pleasure and reward. People who seek sensation and new experience do so to seek a dopamine high (and there are lots of articles about that). In MBTI, P personalities are the ones who seek new experiences – open-ended adventure, while J personalities are the ones less enticed by dopamine. J’s are the ones who prefer oxytocin – the familiar, the loved, the things they have already bonded to. A P personality is just a way of describing a sensation-seeker. Thus, asking for evidence that a P personality seeks dopamine is like asking for evidence that an ant-eater eats ants.

          And evidence that choice-addiction is bad for marriages? Again, plentiful. Begin by reading “The Paradox of Choice”, then its end notes.

        2. Karl R

          jeremy,
          You are assuming that novelty and spontaneity are the same thing as thrill-seeking and risk taking.

          What would you call my friend who spends every Saturday going skydiving (with the same group of people)?

          Going the opposite direction, what part of “backpacking through the mountains with pals on weekends” do you consider risk taking? Or thrill seeking?

          Why is going to concerts alone automatically spontaneous? I’ve gone to concerts alone. If I decide on Friday afternoon that I’m going to a free concert Friday evening, that’s spontaneous. If I buy tickets to a concert three months in advance, not so much. Most concerts don’t involve a lot of risk, either.

          Vittoria said: (original letter)
          “To be clear, I was always responsible, mature, and sober.”

          jeremy,
          What risk-taker or sensation seeker describes herself (or himself) in those words?

          Ironically, while you’re busy vilifying people for being P, you’ve been displaying some of the worst drawbacks of being extremely NJ. You jumped to some rather extreme conclusions, even though you had too little information to rely on. And when I pointed out some of the evidence that contradicted your conclusions, you doubled down.

          For the record, risk-taking isn’t an inherently P trait. The classic P flaw is paralysis of inaction. Even when time is critical, they still want to wait for more information before acting.

          (Vilifying and/or ridiculing people with the opposite trait is reasonably common for anyone on the extremes.)

          Vittoria said: (original letter)
          “I am 100% confident that I want to be with him,”

          When you re-read “The Paradox of Choice”, try to find some evidence (any evidence) that Vittoria’s statement conforms with choice-addiction.

          jeremy said:
          “Frankly, the fact that the OP can’t understand that her BF might not want or need the same type of experiences is even more evidence to her P personality,”

          I’ve heard that described as an ENTJ trait. I’m not sure which of those four traits is most responsible, but just based upon the process of elimination, I’m reasonably certain that it’s not P.

          That point aside, it is important to be able to understand (at some level) that your partner does not necessarily want the exact same thing as you. Vittoria needs to work on that concept (regardless of her personality type).

          ——–

          Getting back on topic:
          My first serious relationship was similar to the relationship Vittoria describes. I had relatively little sexual experience. My girlfriend was a bisexual with a lot of sexual experience. While the relationship had a lot of problems, and it ended badly, it had none of the problems jeremy is assuming will occur.

        3. Chance

          Holy cow, you guys are making my head hurt. J… P… NJ.. MBTI.. ETNJ…. WTF?

        4. Karl R

          Chance,
          jeremy was talking about the Myers-Briggs personality test. All of the acronyms relate to that. There’s a small library of information on the subject (if you’re curious). I don’t feel like trying to cram a decent synopsis into here.

          But if you’re going to try to learn a little about it (and a little knowledge can be dangerous thing), I would give you a few pointers to keep in mind.

          1. Each Myers-Briggs personality trait has its own strengths.
          2. Each personality trait has its own weaknesses.
          3. The traits aren’t binary. Many people are somewhere between the extremes.
          4. Even being “balanced” between the extremes has its strengths and weaknesses.
          5. People on any extreme tend to be blind to the weaknesses of their own trait, and blind to the strengths of the opposite trait.

          If you do pursue more information on this, I would strongly recommend against making assumptions about what personality type people have. Especially when presented with minimal information. (I would hesitate to guess what my wife’s Myers-Briggs traits are, much less someone who has only written a few paragraphs to Evan.)

        5. Chance

          Thanks Karl R. Helpful comment.

      2. 7.1.2
        Paula

        Y’all are arguing about Myers Briggs like it’s real science. It’s not. It’s as scientific as astrology.

        1. Clare

          And jeremy is showing as he did in the previous post that he knows almost nothing about how women work.

        2. Karl S

          Paula
          “Y’all are arguing about Myers Briggs like it’s real science. It’s not. It’s as scientific as astrology.”

          Yeah. It’s fun to self identify with a particular one (I like to think I’m INFJ) but ultimately it cops heavy criticism for the fact that it doesn’t hold up under subsequent retests. People get different results depending on their mood, their recent circumstances or how they interpret the phrasing of the multiple choice questions. I believe the IPIP (International Personality Item Pool), based on the Five Factor Model of Personality, is generally regarded as better among professionals in the field, although even that cops some criticism.

  8. 8
    Fiona

    LW, from your description of things, your boyfriend sounds totally committed. I understand your insecurity. There are all sorts of messages in our culture about how men only want to sleep with as many women as possible and that marriage and commitment are the end of all the fun parts of your life.

    But that is all a load of crap. It sounds like your BF loves you and wants to commit. It’s okay that you are apprehensive about it. People doubt relationships. But if you really believe he needs to sow his wild oats, you have some deep seated insecurities you need to work on. Therapy could help you work through this issue.

    Please ignore the MRA jerks and all their sexist commentary.

    1. 8.1
      Twinkle

      Fiona, I agree with most of your comment. But I haven’t seen any ‘MRA jerks’ or sexist commentary on this page yet. 🙂 there’s lots of well-intentioned advice.

    2. 8.2
      Chance

      Fiona and LW,

      Most men certainly do want to sleep with as many women as possible. In fact, I probably undress at least 10 women in my mind per day. It is a constant struggle that all men have to deal with. However, we choose to override biology when we meet a woman who is worth the commitment, which is why we don’t act on it. So, I don’t think women have anything to worry about when a man is in a committed relationship.

      Also, I agree with Twinkle in that I haven’t really noticed any sexist commentary. Could you please elaborate? I’m interested in hearing your perspective.

      1. 8.2.1
        Fiona

        There was someone going off about how LW won the “dating lottery” by getting her chance to screw around with bad boys then settling with a provider. There were also a few people suggesting there is something wrong with OP for traveling, dating around, etc.

        I don’t see any reason to believe that women don’t have those same thoughts. I am always on the look out for hot guys and I absolutely think about having sex with guys who aren’t my fiance all the time.

        Maybe guys are more base, but I’m not so sure. All of the guys I know want long term, monogomous relationships. None would cheat even if they could “get away with it.”

        I am absolutely the most sex-obsessed person I know, but I would be too paranoid about STDs and pregnancy to really enjoy a casual hookup.

        1. Tom10

          @ Fiona #8.2.1
          “There was someone going off about how LW won the “dating lottery” by getting her chance to screw around with bad boys then settling with a provider”

          Um, I guess that would be me. I didn’t mean to come across as a sexist MRA jerk with that comment though. Sorry 🙁

          “I don’t see any reason to believe that women don’t have those same thoughts”

          That was my point. I believe many/most women do have those same thoughts to “screw around with bad boys”. I don’t see anything wrong with that as it happens.

          I don’t see anything wrong with women travelling either.

          However, the problem usually comes when those women then want to settle down. That’s part of Evan’s *raison d’etre*. However, Vittoria doesn’t have that problem, which is why I was confused as to the why she wasn’t fully satisfied with her situation (as evidenced by the very fact she felt the need to write to a dating expert).

          “I am absolutely the most sex-obsessed person I know”

          Now you know me. I reckon I could offer a strong challenge for that award 😉

      2. 8.2.2
        Sass

        This is borderline from Morris:

        To be honest I think this is a marriage that is highly likely to fail. Women want to marry more than men yet file for divorce 2/3 of the time.

        1. Morris

          So you’re going to take one sentence out of context and label me MRA? It’s a fact women file for divorce 2/3 of the time. So stating that fact isn’t acceptable behavior? There is a saying. Men marry hoping women will stay the same. Women hoping the man will change. It seems pretty relevant in this context.

          “Why would he be the one to stray? It seems he is the one that has been true to himself from the beginning. She is the one who has changed.
          To be honest I think this is a marriage that is highly likely to fail. Women want to marry more than men yet file for divorce 2/3 of the time. In all likelihood this marriage will not turn out like she hoped.
          This isn’t to say she/he is bad or anything. I actually agree that equal caliber people probably fit better in marriage. But in this case he isn’t changing his ways. But she is. Maybe she needs to be truer to herself and find someone more like her.”

  9. 9
    Adam

    It is great that OP’s boyfriend loves her and wants to commit to her. She should marry him, he sounds like a good guy.

    But her letter shows why men who are not promiscuous, need to hide their sexual past from women. It is funny, women are told to hide their total number of sexual partners from men, if the number is too high. Many, if not most women, lie about their number and say it is far lower than it really is. And guys, if they are not promiscuous, need to lie about their number. Women simply don’t like and respect guys who don’t have a high enough number. I know this from personal experience.

    1. 9.1
      Henriette

      @Adam: I think women (and men) are judged negatively by someone no matter how many or few sex partners they’ve had.

      I’ve slept with few men, and always within the context of an exclusive relationship. Plenty of fellows think that a woman who has never been swept away by an ill-advised passion in the heat of the moment; never had a one night stand; never gone through a promiscuous phase must not really be a sexual person and is, perhaps, a lousy lay. Some think If I didn’t spend my 20s f*cking on the third date, I must be a prude. Of course, to the men looking for virgins, I’m a nasty slut. Haha.

      You seem like a lovely guy, based on your posts. I guess the difference between you and me is that I simply accept that some guys will reject me for having a sexual past that doesn’t appeal to them. Too much experience/ too little experience… *shrug*. No hard feelings. ( Some also reject me, no doubt, for being too tall, for being too old, for being a single mother, for not having whatever indescribable quality they’re looking for.). I just know that when a guy likes me enough, he happily accepts the whole package. I wish you, too, had the confidence to refrain from lying and know that you will be appreciated by some women as you truly are. This does not mean telling women, “I’m a virgin,” or, “I’ve only had sex three times.” But if a girl asks you about your sexual past and you look her in the eye and say, “to me, sex is best with someone I really care about; I dont “do” casual,” there will Definitely be some women who respond positively to that…. And who cares about those who don’t!?!

      Anyway, regarding the letter writer: research shows that promiscuous people generally end up with promiscuous partners while those with a lower number of past partners usually end up together. I wouldn’t worry about your boyfriend’s likelihood of straying, but please do examine your own.

      1. 9.1.1
        Adam

        Thank you Henriette. Your very kind. You sound like a lovely person as well.

        What it boils down to me is percentages. Yes, I guess I could have continued to tell the truth and hoped that some woman, somewhere would have accepted me when I was an older male virgin. That would have been a VERY, VERY, long wait though. Perhaps you are not this way, but nearly all, not all but easily 95% of women consider this a major negative and potential deal breaker. I am not angry about this, I just accept that this is the way things are.

        That is the core of my philosophy. I think guys are too angry and judging when it comes to women. We need to accept women as they are and learn how to be successful with them. Because after all, at the end of the day, the only thing you can truly change is yourself and your own behavior. I advocate lying because that was successful for me. After years and years, I never found a girl who understood me being a virgin and was OK with this. Years. I never found a girl who was sexually attracted to the way I used to act. If they were initially attracted, they got turned off by my personality. That is why I believe in lying to a limited extent and changing who you are in order to be more attractive. It is just like men not liking obese women. We can say that men should love obese women, but they don’t. It is the same thing with women and beta males who are virgins. They don’t like these. That is all we need to know.

    2. 9.2
      Karl R

      Adam,
      You have three different options:
      1. Tell the truth.
      2. Lie.
      3. Refuse to answer the question.

      I would recommend Option 3. I have never told a woman how many sex partners I’ve had.

      “I don’t discuss my previous sex partners. And I don’t care how many partners you’ve had. Instead, I use protection. Every time, no exceptions. If we get sufficiently serious to where we want to have unprotected sex, we can both get tested for STDs and compare results.”

      And if a woman is unwilling to accept that answer, let her know that you respect her decision, then offer to break up with her.

      Refusing to discuss your numbers has integrity (you don’t have to lie). It sets boundaries. Best of all, you can’t get caught in a lie.

      1. 9.2.1
        Adam

        “You have three different options:
        1. Tell the truth.
        2. Lie.
        3. Refuse to answer the question.

        I would recommend Option 3. I have never told a woman how many sex partners I’ve had.”

        Good idea. But she wouldn’t take #3 for an answer. So in the end, I lied and am happy that I did so. It is funny, after I “confessed” my imaginary long sexual history to me, she basically expressed to me how relieved she was that I had this history as she was deeply disgusted and turned off by virgins. And she is far from unique, as I said before, nearly all women feel the same way.

        I believe in faking it until you make it. Women almost never give men a chance who are inexperienced and older. This is not a criticism, this is just the way things are. It is like saying the sky is blue. It is blue. Nothing is going to change the fact that it is blue. Therefore we need to not debate this and just accept it.

        As to being yourself, as long as you are already a rich alpha male with a promiscuous past, that is fine. Do continue being yourself. But if you are not already the kind of man that women love, you need to change yourself, without a doubt.

    3. 9.3
      Karl S

      Adam said:

      “Women simply don’t like and respect guys who don’t have a high enough number. I know this from personal experience.”

      I don’t know. I’ve met enough women who’ve had very few partners over many years and probably thought I was a bit sad for having slept around so casually like I did.

      “I advocate lying because that was successful for me. After years and years, I never found a girl who understood me being a virgin and was OK with this. Years. I never found a girl who was sexually attracted to the way I used to act. If they were initially attracted, they got turned off by my personality. That is why I believe in lying to a limited extent and changing who you are in order to be more attractive.”

      While I’m a believer in personal growth and transformation, using lies as an impetus to stimulate change sounds a bit unhealthy. It also sounds more like a PUA philosophy because even though you desire for lasting change within yourself your method for getting there required manipulation rather than authenticity. I recently read Mark Manson’s book “Models: Attract Women Through Honesty”, which is basically a guidebook to becoming a more confident, passionate and interesting human being through self-development and vulnerability, where finding love and sex is more of a side effect because you’re genuinely awesome.

      1. 9.3.1
        Adam

        Yes, but what you don’t get, is that THEY ARE DATING YOU. YOU GET IT. They are going out with you.

        My fate when I was younger, is that women were SIMPLY NOT INTERESTED, or would dump me after the first or second date.

        Look, I respect your point of view, but I have never found honesty to be the best policy when it comes to women. They are just not interested in sexually inexperienced nice guy beta males who go to church and love their parents. I still go to church and love my family to pieces, but I don’t mention this to women unless we are in a serious relationship and have had sex multiple times already. I DEEPLY and SINCERELY wish that women would have loved me and been attracted to me the way I was when I was younger. Sadly, this was not to be. Again, we can argue as to why this is, it is just is. So we all need to accept this.

        1. Karl S

          Adam:
          My fate when I was younger, is that women were SIMPLY NOT INTERESTED, or would dump me after the first or second date.

          Can I ask what kind of age demographic you fit into? Because, to be fair, I’m in my late twenties now and I’ve always had internet dating and websites like Okcupid as a platform with which to contact women. It meant I could effectively “roll the dice” more easily and more often within a larger pool of dates to eventually find those who accept me for who I was without needing to lie or withold info about myself. I’m totally a beta male myself, or was. Maybe less so now.

        2. Sass

          Adam, I can completely relate, as a 39 year old female who’d taken herself completely out of the dating pool. It’s not because I hate men or have unrealistic expectations of them. It’s that 1 – I don’t feel at this point in my life I have much to offer anymore and 2 – I hate playing games and having to pretend to be somebody’s ideal just to get their attention for more than 2 seconds because they’re always thinking about what they can get that is better (online dating has just magnified this dynamic 1000 fold). I’ve decided to focus on other things in my life that make me happy. I’m not saying you should, just letting you know that as much as men will tell you we hold all the cards, it’s just not true for every woman. Some of us understand what you are going through.

      2. 9.3.2
        Adam

        Karl, you said:
        “I’ve met enough women who’ve had very few partners over many years and probably thought I was a bit sad for having slept around so casually like I did.”
         
        Once again, I have to remind you, that the difference between you and how I used to be is that WOMEN ARE DATING YOU. I don’t think I was clear enough before, I don’t care what women say they want or don’t want. I am simply looking at who they date or don’t date. They didn’t date me. They did like me and think I was a nice person. They thought I was a great guy and a great catch. They thought it was great that I hadn’t slept around. BUT THEY DIDN’T WANT TO DATE ME. They were sleeping and running after guys like you who have slept with tons of other girls. So therefore, I needed to change myself. To answer your question, I was in my teens and early 20s during my nice guy phase.
         
        As to OK Cupid and certain other websites, I have sent out tons and tons of emails and very rarely get an email response. It is a way of meeting women, but in my experience, has not been a very good way. In person is better for me but different strokes for different folks, so it is good that this works for you.

    4. 9.4
      MaryAnne

      I wouldn’t consider myself a tramp and I would just have sex with anybody and  I could tell you the names of everybody I have been with.  I have been a serial monogamist I like to keep that part of my life private as I am sure most people do.  I cant stand men or women who brag and talk about that portion of their life.  I have no interest in knowing the number of women a man I would be with has been with as long as he would be faithful to me.

  10. 10
    Sunflower

    Who gives their partner a free pass? That’s insane! If my partner said something like that to me I would question his judgement and seriousness of a true committed relationship.

  11. 11
    SAL9000

    There is some merit to the concern. BTDT. I was a very very very late bloomer. My issue is as I gained more confidence/experience the more I wanted to “make sure” regarding the women I was dating to the point I did get cold feet on what were otherwise blossoming or good relationships. The first few women I dated I remember thinking like within the first couple of dates “I COULD SO MARRY HER” lol lol lol. Anyway, my advice to the letter writer is ascertain whether he is confident and validated not only with you, but with his body of experience with women and life in general. If he is (and it sorta sounds like it) things are probably okay, or at least okay enough to keep moving forward without upsetting the apple cart. Oh, and as others have alluded, ignore the ‘Hollywood Values’ approach to male sexuality ;).

  12. 12
    Vittoria

    OP here…wow, thanks Evan and all the commenters! You have given me a lot of relief!

    To clear a few things up, no, I am not planning on settling down to have kids. I want to “settle down” because honestly, I just love him and can see myself still enjoying his company many years down the road! He has proven to me that he handles rough times well, too, and I think we have a great partnership made even better by our romantic feelings for each other.

    Also, this personality type theory is interesting. I don’t think I’m necessarily a thrill-seeker. I just grew up with a very negative view on relationships (and especially a woman’s traditional role) of losing yourself when you become part of a couple, so I eschewed the entire concept and was extremely independent.

    Anyway, I am going to stop assumimg I know him better than he knows himself and smile, relax, and be happy knowing that we are happy together. Also, I came across this at just the right time, as tomorrow is our anniversary.

    1. 12.1
      Chance

      Hi Vittoria, thanks for coming back to provide some additional clarity. However, if you don’t mind my asking (given some facts you’ve provided about yourself), why do you want to get married? You are obviously progressive, and you don’t want to settle down and have children. So, you could have everything you appear to be looking for within the context of a committed LTR. To get married would simply be to mix finances. You mentioned that you bought a home on your own, so it appears that you may have accumulated some assets. What kind of financial situation is your bf in? If he doesn’t have/make as much as you, you could be putting your assets at risk, and what for?

      You said that you can see being with him for many years to come. I don’t know if you just didn’t put much thought into your words or if you can’t yet see yourself with him for the rest of your life. If it’s the latter, do you think you might be put in a position where you have to pay out your hard-earned income and assets in the event it doesn’t work out? Please do your due diligence, and good luck.

  13. 13
    Nic

    I like your attitude OP.
    Smile, relax and be happy 🙂

  14. 14
    Katt

    Vitoria, get down on your knees & thank God that you have a wonderful guy who loves and accepts you for you, just the way you are.
    None of us know what the future will bring so live for now & enjoy every moment.

  15. 15
    Vittoria

    Chance, your observations are pretty spot on. I could honestly be happy with or without the legal technicalities of marriage, as long as we are together, but he is a romantic and likes the idea of calling me his wife. I also suspect that due to the fact that he has virtually NO family, it would give him some form of comfort, though he hasn’t expressed this to me. I figure, since I don’t have a strong opinion on the matter, why not do it his way? It will make him happy, and it certainly won’t make me unhappy. Financially, we are pretty well balanced, with him making a bit more than me. We use his funds for important stuff, and mine for the emergency or fun stuff. We were friends for many years and I saw him go through a breakup during which time his girlfriend was unemployed, and after seeing how he handled that, I fully trust him to be a decent, honorable guy,. I can’t imagine him ever screwing me over financially out of spite or anger.

    As for the part about our future, it was definitely carefully choiced words. I know I would love to spend my life with him! However, I have learned in life that you just never know what will happen or who people will become. I’m definitely willing to try my all, though, and even if we only have 20 or 30 good years together, I do know I won’t regret it!

  16. 16
    Sass

    @Morris: Stating that the majority of divorces are filed by wives is fact. Presuming that their husbands are blameless in the failure of the marriage based on this fact is bias.

    1. 16.1
      Morris

      Not sure what that has to do with anything. Who presumed anything?

      1. 16.1.1
        Sass

        I’m not sure what the rate of women vs men filing for divorce has to do with this woman’s question but if I misunderstood your point, I apologize.

  17. 17
    Chetoro

    Not sure how old this is but wanted to chime in on the subject as I was up late night googling to soothe my own issues. I happen to be in a LTR ( married actually ) have been with my wife for 10 years. Prior to her I had been in 2 serious LTR ( 6 yrs, 4 yrs) and that is the extent of my sexual experiences. 3 ppl. Turns out my wife was very promiscuous just prior to us meeting and had been with 20+ ppl in a matter of months. She basically owns it and says she enjoyed sex and the adrenaline / thrill / variety etc.; will even tell you she was a proud “slut”. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my wife and part of me thinks that was hot and awesome. But even now 10 years later I have insecurities and a hard time dealing with it since it’s such a stark contrast to my own experiences. I often wish I had more sexual experiences … not so much because I long to do it myself. I could care less and have always been happy with just having my one awesome mate. But so that there would be some levity to my perspective…  and the scenarios / numbers of my wife that I know wouldn’t be so jarring and bothersome to me. I understand the value in what I had vs. what she had. I understand the appreciation for now. I understand all of the positives and logical rationale behind why I have these negative feelings. However, it doesn’t stop them from coming and going, driving me crazy sometimes. Not a question, just venting I suppose. Carry on folks!

  18. 18
    Anastasia

    I agree with our statement this time. Nobody got blamed or put down.

    Good job Evan.

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