Should I Disclose the Number of Sexual Partners I’ve Had In the Past?

Should I Disclose the Number of Sexual Parthners I've Had In the Past?

I’ve been reading for a while, and I find myself hopping on your blog whenever I meet a new guy or am faced with a new situation. But have yet to find something to address my question, given all the differences in the way men and women view sex and relationships and communication: What are the rules about disclosing your number of sexual partners and should it matter?

Now of course I think about this more so in a safety sense, not that I need to know how many girls a guy has slept with but more so I want to know that he is safe for me to sleep with. Inevitably though, this question of numbers comes up and I always hate when my number is higher than his or significantly lower. I know it sounds silly but it’s hard to know what a man is thinking when you share this type of thing. Is it better to just keep it to yourself? Do numbers really matter?

Megan

Dear Megan,

LOVE YOU for asking this question. As always, my opinion is just my opinion. Feel free to disagree. (And I know you will!)

So, like the whole “Who Pays” thing, there are different rules for men and women. Mainly because the sexual double standard is alive and well. I don’t endorse this. I report this.

The average number of partners a man purports to have in a lifetime is around 11. The average number of partners a woman purports to have is closer to 6. Of course, this is not true.

Says Dr. Norman Brown of the University of Alberta:

“Every time a man has sex with a woman, a woman has to have sex with a man. So either there are some very lucky joes out there or someone is not getting their numbers right,” Brown said.

I know I haven’t answered your question, Megan, but I thought I would puncture a hole in the “men are promiscuous/women are chaste” thing. If a man’s sleeping with a woman, a woman’s sleeping with a man and everybody’s numbers are going up. So there.

And as far as I’m concerned it is NOBODY’S BUSINESS HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU’VE SLEPT WITH.

And as far as I’m concerned it is NOBODY’S BUSINESS HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU’VE SLEPT WITH.

Similarly, it’s none of your business how many people he’s slept with. This is a classic “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, on par with “Are you dating anyone else right now?” and “Have you ever had a drug fueled orgy with six Polynesian dwarves?” If you say yes, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, and frankly, you shouldn’t have to explain….

Before you jump all over me, this is not the same as “Do you have any STDs?” That is a pointed and specific health-related question, where full disclosure is essential. But some guy can sleep with 100 women and not get herpes and some woman can go down on one guy and get herpes. And although one’s odds certainly do go up with multiple sexual partners, a number doesn’t necessarily reveal any greater truths.

Take me. I’ve had a pretty decent single run (more than 10, less than Wilt Chamberlain), but have NEVER had unprotected sex with a non-girlfriend. Is that better or worse than a guy who has slept with eight women but never used a condom?

I recall one well-meaning woman who asked me on our first date what my “number” was. I laughed and told her it was none of her business. She playfully said that she could handle it. I playfully told her that it was irrelevant: I was with her at this moment, and my past history bore little relevance. The more I refused to answer, the more she dug in. Finally, she said, “Whatever you say, it won’t bother me. As long as the number is less than X.” And when I gave her a look that revealed that her guesstimate was low, her jaw dropped. Way to not judge me!

Years ago, my best friend went out with a woman in her mid-30’s who confessed that she’d been with over 30 men in her life. My friend FREAKED out, because his number was lower than hers, and because he couldn’t bear to picture her being pounded by 30 different guys. I told him he was being ridiculous. If this woman was never married, never dated a guy for more than a year, and was exclusive with a new boyfriend every six months, she will easily top 30 men at that age. Sleeping with fifteen people in the year after your divorce is a lot more promiscuous than sleeping with thirty people in your whole life.

Thus, a man has no right to know your number, lest he judge you by a different standard than he judges himself. If he insists, give him a little white lie. It’s none of his business and he doesn’t deserve the truth. Seriously. As long as you’re not sleeping with anyone while you’re dating him, whatever you did in your past is between you and your conscience.

As long as you’re not sleeping with anyone while you’re dating him, whatever you did in your past is between you and your conscience.

So Megan, it’s not that numbers don’t matter. It’s that they can be deceiving. Questions about numbers only beget more questions and create more insecurity. The only thing you need to know about his sexual past is whether he’s disease free. If he is, judge him for his merits, his efforts towards you, and how he treats you.

But certainly don’t get on his case because he had a successful sex life for the fifteen adult years before he met you.

19
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Comments:

  1. 91
    Sarah

    Oh please. The number of people they’ve slept with only matters to those who value sex? Give me a break.
    Just yesterday my boyfriend asked me for my number. I hadn’t asked him, and it hadn’t occurred to me to ask him. In fact, I still haven’t. I told him it was a high number and left it at that. I don’t avoid telling him the truth because I’m ashamed, or because I’m trying to keep him with me. It’s none of his business who I’ve been with, nor does it impact our current relationship. What more does he need to know than the fact that I have always been (and still am) STD free? He benefits from my experience, whether he sees it like that or not. If it makes him insecure, that is an insecurity he had long before I came along.
    I can’t believe all the people on here going on and on about not wanting a partner who’s had several partners themselves. If you’re religious, fine, I wont touch that with a 10 ft pole. If you feel that way because you think it makes them dirty, or it makes you insecure, or it makes you question how serious they would be about a relationship (??), or worse yet… makes you question their fidelity in your current relationship…… you’re an idiot. It takes a certain kind of person to judge someone solely based on their past sexual experiences. Not the kind of person most people would really want to be with. Being close-minded isn’t a positive quality. 
    Sex can be anything. Really. Sex with someone you love is special. It brings you closer to them both physically and emotionally. Sex with someone you’re just having sex with to have sex… is gratifying. Sex with someone you’ll never see again is exactly that. People have sex for money, people make having sex their profession. There are many porn stars who go home to loving husbands/wives. Do you think they value sex less than someone with fewer partners, just because they have it more? I don’t think so. I think to truly value sex and the experience of having it… you need to have experience doing it. But that’s just me. 
    I find a lot of people here with negative things to say about others are people with very little experience themselves. Maybe that in itself is something they are insecure about. Maybe not. At the end of the day, who you are is who you are. What you want is what you want. Just because I know my way around a penis, doesn’t make me any more or less moral than you, and definitely doesn’t mean I value sex less. I don’t think less of myself because I’ve had several partners. I look back on my past fondly and wouldn’t change a thing. Even if you would !
     

    1. 91.1
      HI

      If you’re in a serious relationship, especially one that could lead to marriage, it is his business. If he could cheat on you, and it not impact your relationship would that be none of your business as well? If he decides to go on vacation and refuses to tell you specifically where he’s going, is it none of your business as well when your in a committed relationship?  If he cheated, with multiple people, on every girlfriend he had before you and had 15 girlfriends prior to you, would that be none of your business as well?  At least you admitted it’s a high number even if you didn’t specify though.

  2. 92
    Mike

    I’m 23 and my girlfriend of 4 years (26) and I were talking, and she was reminiscing about her college dorm years and she gave me a hint at how many sexual partners that she has had. I had never really given it much thought before, but when she said that in her two years in a college dorm that she had slept with more than 10 guys, I have to say that I felt genuinely disturbed and that it still bothers me. It’s not for any particular rational reason, since I know she doesn’t have any STD’s and she hasn’t cheated on me, but it’s just one of those things. I think it mainly has to do with the fact that I have only had 1 sexual partner in my life (her) and the thought of a bunch of other dudes with makes me uneasy. I don’t look down on her because of it, but I just wanted to be honest about how it feels to me.

  3. 93
    The_Soothsayer

    From personal experience Mike (Comment 93), I totally understand how you feel.  Unfortunately, if it makes you feel uneasy now, it may become a major issue later on in your relationship. You have an extremely hard decision to make. You only have two choices, bite the bullet and break up the relationship for both your sakes. Or, continue with the relationship and the uneasiness may grow to become a major issue. I suggest you have a frank discussion about it with your girlfriend and consider the possible consequences of continuing the relationship. However, it is extremely hard to be rational when you are in love.

  4. 94
    Ron Diggity

    Wow – some of these answers are straight up ridiculous.  Not surprising, considering some of the illogical premises they stem off of:

    1) The guy’s a stud/woman’s a whore “double standard” is not a double standard at all, but in fact two completely seperate standards!  Viewing sex the same for men and women is idiotic.  There are several reasons for this, but just a few are a) different social risks b) different health risks (ex. pregnancy, more likely to contract STD’s) c) completely uneven playing fields (i.e. sex is easily attainable for women, more of a challange for me)

    2) Also, even Evan uses some really poor math in the “who are these women sleeping with? MEN!”  This COMPLETLEY disregards that there is a small % of “studs” who sleep with “all” the women. To use an extreme example.  We have 100 men and 100 women.  20% of the men are studs who sleep with all 100 of the women, 80% of the men get little to no ass, save maybe an occasional partner or two.  Now true, those studly men might be argued to be “super-sluts” (although this fails to take into account any “skill” they had to use to bed those women vs. virtually none from the women’s end) but that still doesn’t discount the fact that a) all those women are well into the double digits and b) most men are relatively chaste in comparison.

    To say a person has no right to know is simply trying to force YOUR opinion/values onto them.  They have a right to decide for themselves what they are willing to accept or not.  IF you don’t want to tell them, that’s your choice, but chalk it up to different values – don’t kid yourself that your moral position is superior or they are somehow flawed.  If anything, it’s inferior, b/c you are purposely withholding something they require or possible deception by omission.  Not all difference of opinion is equal – Sort of like it’s the the aggrieved who decide what’s offensive – you might not have meant to offend a person, but if they are, by definition, you did.

    Lasty, to anybody who thinks “the past doesn’t matter” – try that b.s on your next job interview or at the bank for a loan application lol.

  5. 95
    Jeff

    From my own personal perspective, when you find out your partner has had sex with an assload of people, then it makes your relationship with them seem a hell of a lot less special. Just sayin’.

  6. 96
    Ray

    I agree that attitudes about sex and relationships are more important than numbers.  One imagines that they can somehow sift this attitude out by asking for numbers, but I disagree.  Some people’s values change over time or they go through different phases in their life that make them reevaluate.

    I’m more interesting in understanding what their current attitude is and seeing if their actions match their words… and if our goals and values are similar. 

    For instance, I’m not really interested in dating men who need to have sex before being ‘exclusive’… nor am I interested in men who have the three-five date rule for sex either.  I want to know I can trust a man before having sex with him.  That doesn’t happen in 3-5 dates unless you’ve known them in some other capacity beforehand.

      My attitude on this was developed over time.  Does it matter how I developed this belief?  No, I think not.   If a guy pressed me for my ‘number’, I’d ask him what he was hoping to learn by that, and try to stay focused on his actual concerns… if he couldn’t focus on the actual concern, and insists on a number to play with, I expect we probably won’t see eye to eye on discussing other areas that are too convenient for labeling/judging.

  7. 97
    Ray

    Regarding one’s past… the US government doesn’t go past 10 years on top secret security clearances.

    Credit reporting agencies forgive many transgressions past 7 years. 

    The reason this ‘standard’ is applied is because it is generally accepted that any behavior not repeated within 5-10 years has been acceptably extinguished.  Me personally… I don’t tend to ask questions on things that people can easily lie about or can’t be independently verified.  I prefer to observe how they interact with others and how they conduct themselves with me. 

    Most of the time, I feel questions like the above are only important for people who need to have a nice story to tell in their head, or to their friends/family.  Or maybe, just maybe…. they have some things in their life they feel less than wonderful about, and are looking for dirt on the other person to elevate themselves.  I’ve witnessed this myself, and so my tendency is not to give people like that ammunition.  

    jeff@96

    I think you’d figure out if the relationship is special alot easier if you’d take some care to control your own sexuality and get to know the woman before having sex instead of expecting her to be the moral arbiter on when it happens.  The double standard exists in part because so many men refuse to share responsibility for the pace of a relationship.

      Try it sometimes… I mean, remembering that your penis is attached to your body, not the woman’s.  It’s really helpful.          

     

  8. 98
    Ron Diggity

    While I agree with several of the points Ray made (#97-#98), there were a couple specious and misleading ones in his posts:

    The U.S. gov’t DOES go further back than 10 years on top secret clearance- that is the minimum invetigative scope.  Also credit unions forgive many transgression, but the most serious can last longer, and even when they drop off your report, they can still come back to haunt you (ex. the “have you ever had a bankruptcy” question on loan apps/job apps)

    On a more extreme example, I don’t think any women would be lining up to date a guy who “hadn’t raped anybody in 10 years…” b/c they were confident his behavior was “acceptably extinguished”

  9. 99
    Goldie

    @ #95
     
    “Lasty, to anybody who thinks “the past doesn’t matter” – try that b.s on your next job interview”
     
    There are a number of questions that employers are not allowed to ask at job interviews, as they are not allowed to discriminate based upon the applicant’s answers to these questions. http://humanresources.about.com/od/interviewing/a/interview_quest.htm
     
    Now, granted, there are no illegal questions in dating. You totally has the right to ask a woman her number. In return, she totally has the right to get up and walk out on you, if she does not like this question for any reason. I probably would, and my number isn’t all that high — I just think that, with a man that finds this information important, it’s pretty much guaranteed that we’re going to have trust issues later in the relationship, so why bother.

  10. 100
    Ron Diggity

    @ 100 Goldie

    I think I already stated that both of you have those rights.  I think you sound a little “proactive sour grapes” with that rationale. It would be like someone with a a checkered job history claiming “pffft, I was too good for the employer anyways!”.  Why not chalk it up to a different value set vs. you’re right/he’s flawed for asking?
    In general I find it ironic that people would have less of a problem doing due dilligence on a lesser commitment, yet one which could literally last a lifetime with a person, it’s taboo to inquire about things that very well may speak to a person’s values, decision making, and psyche

  11. 101
    Jeff

    @Ray 98
    I’m not exactly sure what you’re getting at, but I’ve had 2 sexual partners in my entire life in two very long term relationships.

  12. 102
    Goldie

    @ Ron
     
    “It would be like someone with a a checkered job history claiming “pffft, I was too good for the employer anyways!”.  Why not chalk it up to a different value set vs. you’re right/he’s flawed for asking?”
     
    But my number has nothing to do with my “job history”, as in, how good of a partner I was when I was in an LTR/marriage (unless you assume I racked up my number while I was married, then yeah you have a valid point.) So, to my earlier point, it’d be like an employer asking me if I have children (illegal question that has no bearing on my value to him as an employee), and then refusing to hire me because I do, in fact, have children. In that case, yeah, I’d probably go “pfft, I’d probably be miserable working for this guy anyway”. 
     
    Either way, I’ve never understood trying to get the person’s number out of them, because this approach is never going to work — if you’re asking for a number, it’s pretty clear that you want to hear a low one — so the woman that wants to use you, will give you the answer you want to hear. And there’s no way for you to verify her answer, well unless she tells you she’s a virgin and she’s not. But by all means, go ahead and ask, let me know how it works for you.

  13. 103
    Ron Diggity

    @ Goldie

    I think you completely missed what I was saying.  I was comparing a job history from the standpoint of “info that might reflect negatively on you”.  For example – you’ve had 8 jobs in the past two years.  Sure, maybe this ends up being the job you work until you retire….but it’s far more likely you won’t be here 6 months from now for one reason or another.

    I do agree with your point that you can never be sure the number is true and you sort of incentivize low-integrity women to lie.  I was more talking big picture.  Whether her number is 37 or 52 really doesn’t matter – she’s in the slut range

  14. 104
    Goldie

    Nope this example doesn’t quite illustrate the number theory. You are asking how many people she has been intimate with in her lifetime. So, back to jobs, if I did odd jobs as a kid like babysitting, mowing the lawn -say I had a total of 15 of those, part-time evening/summer jobs as a teen and college student – again say a total of 15 of those, then changed 5 jobs in five years as I was in my career growth phase, then worked in one place for say ten years, five in another, then I was out of work for two tears and took part-time and contract jobs till I found full-time work, a total of 10, and was at that full-time place for let’s say 15 years. This brings my total job count to 48. Major job-hopper. Except, of course, my employer isn’t going to care how many people I babysat for when I was twelve, or what I did to make ends meet when I was out of work during recession. You see what I mean? You worry too much about things that are completely irrelevant, when you should be paying attention to things that really are important in determining whether this woman would make a good partner for you. Who cares what she did in the seventies! How is that in any way important for what kind of partner she will be in the 2010′s? I just do not get it.

  15. 105
    Ron Diggity

    @ Goldie

    You’re right – you do NOT get it.

  16. 106
    still looking

    Ron Diggity @ 104
     
    You stated, ” Whether her number is 37 or 52 really doesn’t matter – she’s in the slut range.”

    What’s your magic number before a woman is considered a slut??  If a person has sex with 3 people a year starting at age 18, is he or she a slut because he or she has slept with 30 people by age 28?  60 people by age 38?  90 people by age 48?

     

  17. 107
    The_Soothsayer

    In my day, that is the 1960′s, there were two sets of values, one for males and one for females. I can only speak from the male perspective. In my group of friends, guys would carry the number of girls they had sex with as a badge of honour. Bragging to their friends the intimate details and assessment of each girls performance. Girls became popular not because anyone found them particularly desirable, but the guys knew sex was guaranteed, which was the main objective in those days, especially after a few beers! :-) Unfortunately, girls with a reputation became known as sluts, so were avoided where long term relationships were considered. No guy wanted to know that his mates had sex with his partner. From the comments above, things don’t seem to have changed. It seems most guys want to know the number of sexual encounters their girlfriends have had, where girls seem to accept the guys would have had several. So have standards really changed that much? 

  18. 108
    Ron Diggity

    @ still looking

    It’s 11. :P

    On a more serious note - obviouly the longer a person’s sexual “career” the higher their number could potentially be, but I think there is a flaw in your premise (as well as your math, btw)  of 3 people a year as if that is standard acceptable.  It’s like recreational drug use in a way:  lots of people do it, or have enjoyed doing it, never overdosed, and “appear” no worse for wear, but people who think that kind of indulgence is wrong lose respect for that kind of behavior , not to mention the hidden damage that it may cause to the user. 
    I think most men have a problem with “how that number came to be”.  The higher the number, the less and less likely it happened in any kind of serious relationship, and was much more likely causual/ONS type of sex.  Now if a 40 yr old woman told me she only had 7 partner in her life, but they were all ex-husbands, that would raise a completely different type of red flag.

    I’ve always found it interesting that women tend to have more problems with a man’s sexual past regarding the women he cared about, while men have a problem with the one’s women really didn’t care about (ex. one night stands, friends with benefits, etc)

    Women would be well served to accept the reality that one of the things men value most about you is your sexuality.  Why else do you think you get flowers when you are upset or he tries to keep you happy????  Since this is arguably your most important trait, when you cheapen it by giving it up freely, your value suffers.  I know this comment will upset some people, and is not “political” correct, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t “actually” correct.  Sometimes you just have to accept facts.

  19. 109
    Ron Diggity

    And let’s be clear folks – a man sleeping with “x’ amount of  partners and a woman sleeping with “x” amount of  partners is not the same thing.  People want to claim “it’s a double standard” but clear and objective thinkings shows it’s two very different things entirely.

  20. 110
    Goldie

    @ Ron #106, nice argument there. As a matter of fact, I get your position fairly well. Especially since you explained it in more detail later. “Women would be well served to accept the reality that one of the things men value most about you is your sexuality.  …  Since this is arguably your most important trait, when you cheapen it by giving it up freely, your value suffers. ”
     
    Basically, when you meet a middle-aged woman, you expect that she’s been saving herself for you all her life. Isn’t it kind of unreasonable?
     
    Further, when you date a woman, do you plan on having sex? if so, you’re racking up her number and driving down her property values. Shame on you.
     
     
    PS. wait, what?!
     
    “Women would be well served to accept the reality that one of the things men value most about you is your sexuality.  Why else do you think you get flowers when you are upset or he tries to keep you happy????
     
    I thought he wanted me to be happy for the same reason I want him to be happy — because he cares about me. Not because I’m more likely to put out when I’m in a good mood. Geez. I’ll let you in on a secret — not all men are like this.
     

  21. 111
    Ron Diggity

    @ Goldie

    I didn’t say all men are like this, just those that are honest and not socially programmed to be politically correct beyond belief.

    As people get older, sex plays a lesser role sure.  In fairness, I was unclear that I am referencing younger people as a whole – a 68 yr old widow who was marired for 40 years is very different than a 26 year old girl getting married for the first time.  And quite frankly the same age guy who marries the older widow has a far lower sex drive.  Sure in those scenerios, things like companionship mean more.

    You’re “racking up the numbers/shame on you is flawed”.  If I bought a new car and ran it into the ground, I would not try to pass it off as brand new when it was time to sell. If you position it as a used car, no problem.  Women try to do that when they sleep around and then are ready to settle down.  Also, you are COMPLETELY disregarding that putting that milegae on as it were was the WOMAN’S choice! I know it’s fashionable to try to avoid pinning responsibility on women these days, but not here sister!

    Goldie, you can’t be that naive.  If you don’t think women receive special treatment from guys under the hope of future sex, I don’t know what to tell you.  I mean do you think if a man asks you out on a date and pays for dinner, he’s hoping you can be plutonic friends?? Come on now!

  22. 112
    Goldie

    You said “why do you think he tries to keep you happy” That makes me think you were referring to a BF or husband, not some random dude on a first date. If the only reason my BF tries to keep me happy is so he can get some, then I’d say I’m in a pretty dysfunctional relationship and should get out immediately.
     
    I don’t even know what to say to the rest. Such heavy medieval stuff. Anyway if a woman is a used car, then so’s the man, unless she’s been sleeping with other women that whole time.
     
    “If I bought a new car and ran it into the ground, I would not try to pass it off as brand new when it was time to sell. If you position it as a used car, no problem. ”
     
    Someone tried to pass themselves off as a virgin to you? for real? I don’t know. Never happened to me. The whole subject never came up. I never asked the man’s number, he never asked me mine, end of story. I figure both sides were relieved to know they’re not the other person’s first, but, other than that, nobody cared about the other’s past. But yeah you’re right, I’ve only dated adults. We’re people, not cars. Just from the fact that we have children, it’s pretty much a given that our certain body parts aren’t what they used to be. Everyone accepts it. I haven’t seen anyone lose sleep over it. Unlike with cars, there are other, more important criteria in choosing a partner.
     
    Our little discussion here inspired me to re-read Evan’s post. Turns out I agree with every word of it, and could not say it better than he did.

  23. 113
    Ron Diggity

    @ Goldie

    I understand your points.  It’s a shame you don’t understand mine.  The fact of the matter is you seem to operate under premises that I see as false.  One for example is that men are women are equal and should be judged equally across the board.  To use a flip scenerio – if you and I were walking down the street and we saw a woman crying, we might think certain thoughts.  If we walked further and saw a man sitting on a bench crying, I seriously doubt you would view it in the same way.

    You are also slipping into fallacy.  Nobody is saying “I want a virgin” – they ARE saying ” I DON’T want a slut”  Big difference.  Also, you seem to feel it’s ok to impede on a person’s right to decide for himself what does and does not constitute being a slut or what they are comfortable in accepting in a partner.

  24. 114
    Goldie

    “One for example is that men are women are equal and should be judged equally across the board. To use a flip scenerio – if you and I were walking down the street and we saw a woman crying, we might think certain thoughts.  If we walked further and saw a man sitting on a bench crying, I seriously doubt you would view it in the same way.”
     
    I think it’s a pretty sad situation. First we don’t allow men to cry or show emotions, and then we wonder what happened when they suddenly go on a shooting rampage :( I’m OK with men crying. Not something I see every day, but trying to get used to it.
     
    Like it was already stated on the other thread, men and women are different, but they have equal rights. Just because I cannot lift my body weight, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be allowed to vote. etc etc
     
    “You are also slipping into fallacy.  Nobody is saying “I want a virgin” – they ARE saying ” I DON’T want a slut”
     
    Sure. Define slut. You said it’s anyone who had more than 11 partners. Why 11? What if I marry the first man I became intimate with, stay with him for 20 years, then in the month following my divorce, I have sex with nine people. Then I meet you. My number is ten. We’re good, right? What if I had sex with those nine people while married? My number is still ten. We’re still good, right?
     
    “Also, you seem to feel it’s ok to impede on a person’s right to decide for himself what does and does not constitute being a slut or what they are comfortable in accepting in a partner.”
     
    Nah. Far it be from me to impede. It’s just that, the more weird and arbitrary a man’s definitions are on these issues, the more women will refuse to be his partner. Even if they meet his requirements for an acceptable partner, they may find him repellent. Just trying to warn you here, but I guess I too am not getting through, because I already told you the same thing, and in response you said something about sour grapes and such. What sour grapes? I’m not interested. I’m not even available right now. Just warning you that you’re cutting a lot of very decent women out of your dating pool with this stuff. In fact, by implying that women are only good for sex, you’re pretty much limiting your dating pool to those exact same sluts you’re trying to avoid. Don’t shoot the messenger.
     
     

  25. 115
    justme

    I hope this posts right under Goldie’s comment (115). 

    As a woman who was married for 18 years and at the time of her divorce had only kissed 2 men and only had sex with one man (my husband).  And as someone who views sex as something special and not a buddy activity – RON – I find your views completely appalling.  I’m sorry.  Someone who has such disrepectful views about women is someone I hope all women run from.  Good thing our most prize attribute is sex – you won’t miss any of the nurturing, humor, sympathy, socializing, giving, touching, commerserating we offer.  For the other, I suggest a blow up doll.

  26. 116
    Ron Diggity

    @ Goldie – I appreciate the concern, but my life is great, thanks for asking.

    Calling people’s standards different from you own “weird and arbitrary” speaks much more about you than it does them.

    I can respect that you think men crying is equal (I don’t and I’m a dude).  As long as you are consistent, I can respect that.

    And I was TOTALLY being facetious about the 11 number.  I guess it didn’t flow in the thread the way I intended it.  What defines a “slut” is a personal decision I suppose, factoring in things like age and circumstances, but eventually there comes a point where most reasonable people will universally agree – what’s that number?  That’s the $64k question I guess.

    Please note justme’s typical response (I think the kids call it “butt hurt”) She did not like what I said and then wished me ill, and showed complete intolerance since I don’t share her views.

     

  27. 117
    The_Soothsayer

    May I suggest that the discussions above don’t take into consideration that the human race is composed of individuals with different personalities. Each will view the importance of previous sexual relationships differently. Unfortunately, I have a jealous, obsessive personality. The jealous part reard it’s ugly head when I found out my partner had several previous sexual encounters. The obsessive part came into play by keeping me focused on it. The lesson to be learnt is that an individual should determine their own and their potential partners’s personality before entering into a serious relationship. This may determine whether the union will be pleasant or confrontational. There are many good books on ‘Personality Plus’, that assist in determining your personality and that of your partner’s.
    In my situation, and it may be true of many others, I spent more time on researching a vehicle that I would keep for five years than on a partner with whom I would spend the rest of my life!     

  28. 118
    Goldie

    @ The Soothsayer #118, thank you, this is exactly what I was trying to say was back upthread. I know I don’t do jealous very well. I’m outgoing, have friends of both sexes, like to do things on my own in addition to the time we spend together, etc etc. So I figured, if I’m on a date with a man and he absolutely needs to know my number, then later on, he’ll also need to know who I went to lunch with at work, who I got a text from, who all these people are on my FB friend list, etc etc. It’s a disaster waiting to happen, so it’s pretty clear that, even if my number is one, we still won’t be a good match. But just because this man isn’t a good match for me, doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be a good match for someone else.
     
    To me it’s the same thing as I’ve had with a few guys who emailed me on Match and OKC, and then I go to their profiles and it says that religion and religious life is important to them. I’d write back saying “nothing wrong with you or me, but the two of us aren’t going to work out. Bummer, I know, but that’s the way it is.” 
     
    “The lesson to be learnt is that an individual should determine their own and their potential partners’s personality before entering into a serious relationship.”
     
    I totally agree. Chemistry gets in the way, though. When I agreed to marry my ex, I was one hundred percent convinced that he was the right one for me, because a)he was laid-back and b)he liked animals and I did too. I was crazy in love, and that was all the proof I needed that we were a perfect match. Turns out, there is such a thing as too laid-back, to the point where you no longer care if the person likes animals or not!

  29. 119
    Ray

    ron@99

    Only speaking from experience.  I was granted a top secret clearance, and noone in my organization ever had it go beyond 10 years.  There is also a polygraph requirement.  Where does your info come from?  

    and regarding most people’s credit history… most fall off after 7 years.  You know that as well as I do.  Specious and misleading my butt.  I just submitted a proposal to a company who asked me if I’d gotten a speeding ticket in the last three years.  I thought that was wierd, but ok.  They are the ones doing the hiring, so I guess they are allowed to ask.

    … and finally…. sure, we can talk in hypotheticals all day.  I wouldn’t want to date anyone who ever murdered someone.  (rolleyes).  

    …and regarding your other posts…    Unless you have a polygraph on hand, you will have no way of knowing what a woman’s mileage is. They aren’t like cars. They don’t have bondo over the dents.  At best, you will have marriage/divorce records… if you are lucky.  I know women who are changing their names to avoid being Googled. 

    You guys act like you have some magic shield (ie a woman’s number) that protects you from sh*t.  Hilarious.

    Although, I guess men have to have SOMETHING to obsess about.  It’s not like the world is crawling with female serial killers, rapists, alcoholics or drug addicts…  You know… like, REAL things to worry about.  

      

  30. 120
    Katarina Phang

    Let Ron get his low libido non-slut woman.  There are plenty of decent guys who are okay -and in fact love- sluts.  I’m a slut and I’m proud of it and never had a problem attracting guys who want to be with me -and that’s not just for sex.

    He’s got his own issues with female sexuality, let him deal with it.

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