Should It Be a Dealbreaker If He Watches Transsexual Porn?

Should It Be a Dealbreaker If He Watches Transsexual Porn?

Hi Evan,

My boyfriend is great – he’s attentive, kind, generous, smart and funny. He also has a good job and his own place. The only thing is, he watches transsexual porn exclusively. As in a woman with a penis, except they don’t even do a very good job looking like women. I have talked to him about this and he says that he was very worried that he was gay at one point and still doesn’t really understand the reasons he likes this porn. Although he has reassured me he isn’t gay. I sort of understand because I occasionally watch lesbian porn.

The thing is, he was in the shed secretly watching transsexual porn when I was in the house waiting for him to come in, and I was more than willing to have sex. When I found out I almost broke up with him, not because of the porn content but because he was making me wait.

Have I forgiven too easily? He promised he wouldn’t be watching porn secretly in a shed when I am at his house (3 days a week) and making me wait to have sex. The reason he said he was in the shed was because we were ‘getting on top of each other’ since I had been at his house for a week.

Really appreciate your advice! –Lily

Yep, another transsexual porn question.

If I had a dollar for every one of these filling my inbox, I would have, well, a dollar.

Unfortunately, your smart, funny, attentive boyfriend has a fetish for chicks with dicks.

And while I’m very confident in the things that I know about normal dating and relationship dynamics, I’ll be the first to admit: I’m way out of my depth here. I don’t know any transsexuals, I’ve never coached any transsexuals, and I’ve never even thought about the existence of transsexual porn. Now that I have, I blame you for putting the image in my head.

But I am experienced and I am intuitive and I am hoping that what I’m about to tell you gives you strength and courage.

Get out.

I’m not saying this because I’m homophobic. Some of my best—okay, that’s not true. But I’m really not judgmental about people’s sexual preferences, as long as they have no negative impact on a partner.

Unfortunately, your smart, funny, attentive boyfriend has a fetish for chicks with dicks. And it’s not a particularly slippery slope to see how that might cause a problem for you down the road.
 
 
Because it’s one thing for a guy (or a woman, for that matter) to say, “Here’s my kink. I hope you can play along with it. Or at least appreciate that it’s what I fantasize about in my free time.”

It’s another thing when he’s taking your time together to indulge his kink without you.

There are other attentive, kind, generous, smart, funny men out there – who won’t make you compete against kinky porn.

It’s another thing when he’s openly questioned his own sexual identity and sort of/kind of decided he might like women.

It’s another thing when his immediate reaction to a week living with girlfriend is “must retreat to transsexual porn!”

It’s just a few too many red flags for my taste.

As a dating coach, I can give you a high degree of reassurance that there are other attentive, kind, generous, smart, funny men out there – who won’t make you compete against kinky porn.
 
 

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Josh

    I don’t understand why the OP watching lesbian porn is not noteworthy but her boyfriend watching transgender porn is a dealbreaker. Could it be that we simply find one less off-putting than the other?

  2. 32
    Selena

    “If it makes you go eww…you must not pursue.”
     
    Quite pithy Tracy. Love it. :)

  3. 33
    Karl T

    Selena and Tracy,
    If you read carefully, the OP does not say ‘eww’ at all.  Her main concern here is that the guy was not running to have sex with her and was watching porn instead.  She seems totally not put off at all by the style of porn since she watches different types of porn herself- even lesbian porn.  How come none of you women are commenting on that part??  Both Josh and I have pointed it out and you women seem to ignore it and give your own personal opinion that you find his porn preferences gross- which is NOT relevant because the OP does not seem to find it gross.  Your comments are misguided, as they are focused on the ‘tastes’ of the guy’s porn preferences when the OP herself is not even bothered by it.
    Like I said before, giving your opinion of what you like and what you would do is pretty useless advice.  Give the OP advice based on her situation and the information about herself that she has given.  Geez.

  4. 34
    Some other guy

    There’s nothing wrong with being curious about (or even enjoying) tranny porn, but when a guy watches it exclusively, and has raised doubts about which team he was on, it would be hard for me not to wonder in the back of my mind if the fella might not take his curiosity to some other level.
     
    The red flags they are a wavin’

  5. 35
    gingerreplicant

    For what its worth, I am a pre-operative male-to-female transsexual and I agree with Evan’s take on this.
    Sadly, tranny chasers don’t even make good partners for trans women. As I wrote on my blog:
    “The body of a trans woman is an Inkblot Test for the so-called “TG Admirer”. What they read into us has everything to do with the peculiarities of their own psyche and nothing to do with the reality of who we are. I am just a woman with a medical problem. However, no tranny chaser will ever acknowledge this, because to do so would ruin their sexual fantasies.”

  6. 36
    MsWalker

    @ Ginger
    Well said Ginger.  The problem with all porn at the addictive level (like when someone cannot get aroused without porm) .. is that they are steeped in objectification and not relating to the person.
    I spent years married to a man who was deeply into porn.  He ignored me sexually. He had other issues as well but it was especially cruel to be ignored.  Before marriage he did not tell me how bad his porn habit was.  He pretty much lost interest in sex with a real human being 6 months into the marriage.
    So it is not the type of porn, it is how deep into it is the partner and can he or she actually relate to a human being. Can he or she get aroused without porn images.  Does he or she enjoy just cuddling and being together.  I would suggest therapy for the person and it might be long term.  I would friend zone the relationship and be kind.

  7. 37
    katy

    I had the same (similar) thing happen to me with my now husband.  Transsexual porn is very NORMAL for hetero males, in fact it’s one of the most popular types of porn, so I wouldn’t worry about that.
    He probably just needed space and a release.  I dont know all the details.  I’d say, follow your gut.
     

  8. 38
    Karl T

    katy,
    I respect everyone’s own opinion.  I have no objections to anyone’s sexual tastes so long as they are consentual and involve adults.  However, if by ‘normal’ you mean ‘common’ or ‘mainstream’ then I must say you are vastly wrong.  I would say greater than 90% of heterosexual males that I know are intensely turned OFF by transexual porn!!!  If your husband likes it and you are ok with watching it then that is totally fine and there is nothing wrong with that.  But, please don’t falsely think that most heterosexual men like it….that is incredibly false!!!!

  9. 40
    Rose

    Apologies my mistake . One of the most popular not the most popular.

  10. 41
    Karl T

    Rose that a bunch of BS.  Nowhere in that link do they provide facts to back up that it is viewed by lots of men.  They just say that.  Unless you’re counting men that are tricked into watching it until they realize it is a man dressed as a woman and not a true woman…..
     

  11. 42
    Rose

    Accoding to the interview they gathered data from web seearch history, pornsite subscriptions etc etc. So shows what people are really doing rather than what they admit to doing.
    If someone puts something in a search or subscribes and pays money with credit card don’t see how they have been tricked into viewing it personally.
    It’s the only reserach to date on this
    Posted for people to look at and form their own opinion.
    has got any other research on this.
     
     

  12. 43
    Karl T

    Rose when you subscribe to a porn site or do a search on the web for porn…how do they know you are a hetero male..let alone whether you are male or female.  Maybe they are saying it is one of the more searched out types of porn….but NOT amongst hetero males!!!  And have you ever put something in a search and something totally unintended came up?  It happens all the time!!  Come on ,think about it before you put such blind faith into anyone who makes such a bogus claim.I’ve seen pictures of transexual porn come up before when I did a google image search for something that was not even pornographic!!!!

  13. 45
    Karl T

    Rose,
    You used the link to prove a point.  That means you believe in the validity of their study.  So you DID put faith into that study and you DID believe they are right.  Nice cop out Rose…

  14. 46
    Rose

    I believe they are more than likely right that a lot of men look at transexual porn from the link. And that most gay men don’t. I would have to check all of the data avaialable myself in order to makes fully informed belief. on if more hetrosexiual men rather than bisexual men did this I haven’t done that yet.
    My gut feeling is though that most of these men could be bisexual. Or it could just be that a lot of hetrosexual men have bisexual fantasies  and wouldn’t really want to cross the line in real life.
    This is something I don’t believe they have covered or asked.
    I am not buying into their optical illusion theory on the reason why.
    I don’t buy it
    I can understand why you think what you think about what I beleive and why.
    Those are your belefs on what i believe though. Made up in your imagination.
    I believe that the reason taboo porn is popular is to do with addiction.  So for someone who is addicted to porn to get the dopamine high and get aroused the porn wll have to get harder and harder  etc. no pun intended in order for them to get their dopamine fix.
    Not so with someone who can take ifor leave it.pornographers know this they have a vested interest in getting people hooked and addicted. Just like all drug dealers. Not everyone will become addicted. Just like with other drugs.
     
     
     

  15. 47
    Rose

    Starthrower 68 it can be changed. They can be invited into emotional intimacy learn, grow and develop a healthie connectedr loving way of being to share sex in a mutual caring way. Rather than in a compartmentalised disconnected objectifying way if they want to and are developmenatally able.

  16. 49
    John

    I am not gay and have never loved guys. I have never liked male bodies or faces. I always loved girls and had sex with them. I am married now and love my wife. I need nothing else but that and no one else except her. But when I was not married and without girl I “discovered” transsexual porn. I was very scared when I realized I like it. I took time before I understood the reason. Transsexual porn shows female bodies and penises right? Don’t we see the same things on straight porn? Also, many straight guys are curious about anal sex but most of the women don’t want to have it which is understandable. So here it is – transsexual porn arouse almost all guys I know and they are all straight and the reason why is simple it shows same shapes like straight porn and also anal sex. So, who loves straight porn, probably would like transsexual porn too and who is honest will admit that. I have told my wife about transsexual porn and we sometimes watch it together. We have normal sexual life and I don’t watch transsexual porn so often.

  17. 50
    Brad

    http://yourbrainonporn.com/age-21-been-free-shemale-porn-two-years-now – your boyfriend should understand is a very serious addiction and it has nothing to do with his attractions to gender but more with his hidden anxieties or emotional problems – he probably has some problem with his manhood but in an emotional not gender manner.
    Talk to him about that but remember that it is not a woman who can change a man but only maturity and hard work.

  18. 51
    MisY

    100% agree with Evan.  Leave while you can!  I am in this unfortunate situation where my BF was (is) into transexuals.  He admitted to this while we were dating.  Has Porn.  Get “excited” when he see a transvestite. I confronted him of his fetish and he assured me he could not be with a transexual.  Lo and behold, 1 year to our relationship, I checked his text messages in his phone between him and a transexual – very explicit and with photos of “her” d**k.  So tranny porn sets an alarm bell.  Don’t believe in his excuses & find a better guy.

  19. 52
    Pat

    I am going through something similar and would kindly ask any advice, esp from the male readers.  I was looking for a movie to put on using my boyfriend’s computer while he was in the bathroom (he told me I could, I wasn’t snooping) and I came across a folder of incest porn.  I haven’t always been ok with him watching porn, but I understand the utility and I’m trying to accept it.  There was different types of incest porn in the folder (siblings, mom-son, dad-daughter, etc all 18+).  I didn’t see any other types of porn, but he’s told me before that he keeps most of his porn on another drive and he says it’s mostly lesbian, milf, threesome, etc.  

    I asked him about it and he said he “forgot it was there” and that “he’s not really into it” and it was more of a “curiosity” thing.  I feel like he’s lying out of shame and embarrassment, bc why would he have downloaded all this onto his hard drive?   He’s lied to me two or three times in the year we’ve been dating (mostly silly stuff he was embarrassed about), but has been pretty honest with me most of the time. 

    He’s great otherwise, and I haven’t felt neglected yet.  He seems to have a normal relationship with most of his family (parents are divorced, strained relationship with dad).  Is this a normal kink for guys?  Up until now, I’ve been thinking he was the one I wanted to marry.  Should I be concerned?

  20. 53
    Vanelise

    Well yep. My husband and I have been married for a year. Sex stopped. I ask him for it but he is too tired. I found a picture of him at a place I do not agree with. I confronted him, he did not react the way I would think a husband should. I went through his computer and found a bunch of porn. Porn disgust me. Everyone’s face in porn looks miserable like they are being forced to do something shameful and for me it ruins the point of sex. Well yeah there was tranny porn. I asked him and he said he was just curious. I feel so sick. I loved this man but he looks at something I could never be. Orgies, threesomes, husband swallowing wife’s lovers well the list goes on. I never wanted to be one with a divorce but I’m at that point I would rather be a divorced woman then a woman living a lie. 

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