To Booty Call or Not To Booty Call?

Dear Evan,

So what is it with guys who just want you to come over and don’t ask to take you out? What is it really – if they have tons of money, it’s not affordability…Laziness? I don’t understand… are they like that with all girls, or just ones with SLUT written on their forehead? It hurts my feelings.

Thanks,
Nancy

Three words, Nancy: Because they can.

That’s pretty much the reason that anyone does anything, right? Because they can.

Why did you climb Mt. Everest? Because I can.
Why did you yell at your assistant? Because I can.
Why did you go over her house with a bottle of wine and no intention of taking her out? Because I can.

The problem is, “because I can” puts the full onus on the guy. And while we can’t hold him blameless – there’s no gun to his head, forcing him to sleep with you – you have to take responsibility for allowing him to come over and not take you out.

In psychology, they call it enabling. I can’t come up with a better term for it, so we’ll stick with that, for now. By enabling, you are creating an atmosphere in which the guy can continue his unacceptable behavior. In other words, if you let him treat you like a slut, you can’t be surprised if he continues to treat you like a slut.

Not that I’m judging or anything. You’re not a slut for staying in the bedroom with him; you’re only a slut if you feel like a slut. Booty calls are great, but only if both people are on board. If not, somebody’s getting hurt, and it’s most often the woman. This is due to biological reasons (oxytocin bonding), sociological reasons (men are studs/women are sluts), and human reasons (you want to be valued for more than your body and you crave a stable relationship). All in all, if this pattern of behavior isn’t satisfying for you, it’s your responsibility to cut it off. Not his.

Because when a guy’s getting the equivalent of a male royal flush – sex for no money – there’s no reason to expect him to fold. The only way to bust him is to break the cycle and say that you’re looking for a real relationship. If he steps up to the plate, you have your relationship. If he doesn’t, you won’t have to feel like a slut. And if you determine that you’re actually okay with the arrangement, that’s cool, too. Just don’t wait for the booty call to turn into a boyfriend on his own.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Ginger

    You wrote, “And if you determine that you’re actually okay with the arrangement, that’s cool, too.”

    In your experience, is anyone actually capable of saying that they’re really truly okay with just being a hookup? It’s one thing to say you’re okay with it when he’s calling you every day, and totally another to realize how easily forgotten you are.

    Btw, great blog. Do you have training in psychology, or is this just your common sense?

    Ginger

  2. 2
    Loverville

    re: what Ginger wrote — I think it is indeed possible to have someone just as a f*ck-buddy, but again, as long as you’re on the same page. But of course, I realize that everyone is different, and this might not work for a lot of women.

    I have a FB who I see every so often — we dated a while ago, but realized we were better off as friends, and now have the occasional booty call. I have a fun time with him, but he’s just a “friend with benefits” for those times I’m feeling a bit randy when I’m not dating anyone seriously.

  3. 3
    Lucy

    Yeah I would not be okay with being a booty call. I’d only want a relationship, casual or otherwise, where I feel like I’m being treated as an equal. I don’t think I could really say I was getting equal treatment if a guy is using me as an easy route to sex.

  4. 4
    Nim

    IF a guy really likes you…….he will wait…..and wait…..and wait.  IF he really likes you.    IF he is really ready for a real committed relationship, and he wants it with you, because he really likes you…..he will wait.   IF he tells you he cannot wait for sex, and leaves,…..well, he did not like you much anyway……and he did not want a relationship with you, or he would have waited.   
    When a man is seriously into a woman,….he wants to be with her.  He likes the way he feels with her, he has fun with her and wants her to like him.   He KNOWS he can get sex from any number of women, BUT,……he WANTS sex from her…..and he does not want to lose her,…so he will wait months or till marriage if that is what she wants.   TRUST ME….

  5. 5
    Erika

    Men are inspired for the long haul with woman who are ” WHOLE” not FRACTIONS! If you’re being treated ” less than” you set it up that way! You are constantly telling everyone how to treat you, by the mere way you treat yourself, and of course how true you are to your values hence, if you can’t find what’s valuable about you, how would you expect him to find your value, or you valuable! You see Lady, what you don’t get from your relationships is your responsibility to earn that truth by giving yourself the lack you cry about with him. I am a Dating Coach and have helped hundreds of Men & Women overcome their challenges in relationships. If there is 1 word you should study and practice it’s self worth! Your self worth marks all which serves you well in all your endeavors!

  6. 6
    Haveproblem

    I’m so interest in this topic because recently I in this kind of situation ….. I never have sex with any man until I start connection with my teacher ( divorce man with three kid)  i have learnt from him a lot about human relationship that we stay with the one we love till the day they cant stay together …… I start to love chatting and the feeling near him…… i really love him and sex is the only way I can keep around me as I have noticed from his action and how he teach me……. After sex ….. I still get ignorance from him….. I hate my decision and hate that I accept being his booty call……
    he rarely busy or sleep early at night time before ….but suddenly he stop talking with me till late night or not even chat with me….. And tell me he busy most of the time……. 

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