What Happens When You Check Off the Casual Sex Box on a Dating Site?

Important Phone Call

My friend, Christan Marashio, also known as Moxie on her blog “And That’s Why You’re Single”, wrote a compelling first-person piece on what happened when she expanded her search on OkCupid to include casual sex.

Of course, the predictable responses rolled in: pervy, skeevy, tone-deaf guys giving their most forthright pitch, to no avail.

What you probably wouldn’t expect as a woman – what I already know as a man – is that just because a man is interested in casual sex doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ONLY interested in casual sex.

Wrote Marashio, “I polled a few men as to why they checked off casual sex. One man said he did so to make clear that sexual compatibility was important to him. Another said he did it so that women would understand that he would not date someone for too long without sex being part of the equation. A different man not only selected casual sex but clipped his profile by telling readers he was currently dating other women. When I asked him about that he told me he wished to avoid meeting women who might develop other expectations.

What you probably wouldn’t expect as a woman – what I already know as a man – is that just because a man is interested in casual sex doesn’t necessarily mean he’s ONLY interested in casual sex.

Interesting stuff. I think it’s pretty foolish for guys to think that “casual sex” conveys what they meant, but I’m sure they were sincere in their intentions. Which brings us full-circle to one of my more popular credos: “men look for sex and find love”.

The article continues, “I ended up dating three men during this time for 3-6 months each. We did “couple-y” things like go to the movies, make dinner, and spend weekends together. We weren’t meeting up for quickies as some people might assume. There was intimacy and affection and shared confidences. There just wasn’t exclusivity or expressed commitment. I wasn’t seeking “just” sex, so adding casual sex as a relationship choice actually worked to my advantage. It exposed me—in various ways—to a broader audience. One that I may not have been exposed to had I been a “good girl” and listened to my well-meaning male friends and only selected short and long-term dating.”

To sum up – are you more likely to attract pervs if you check off casual sex? Yep. Are you more likely to meet guys who aren’t in the place for a serious relationship? Sure. Are you more likely to find your knight in shining armor if you click “marriage” and nothing else? Probably. But it’s wrong to assume that every guy who is interested in casual sex is not husband potential. If you understand that, like the author did, it can be a valuable way to potentially expand your options – knowing that some men are just looking for fun…until they fall in love. High risk/high reward.

Read the full article here, and thanks for your comments below:

0
0

Join 8 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (67 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Joe

    I didn’t read that carefully, so I might’ve missed it in the article, but would the author not have met these fellows if she hadn’t checked the “casual sex” box?  That is, were the guys she dated as a result of checking the box specifically not looking for a STR/LTR (they had not checked the STR/LTR box), as well as casual sex?

  2. 2
    Goldie

    When I joined OKC back in the day, it was right after a very bad dating experience that left me shaken. So, quite honestly, I added a note at the end of my profile: “I am not ready for a long-term relationship right now.” A lot of new people started writing. I met some really cool people that wrote to me after seeing this. Some of them are still my friends. OTOH, my boyfriend almost DID NOT contact me after seeing this little note. I guess my profile, that I had written using FTOO, was so amazing that he decided to give me the benefit of the doubt and contact me. But he asked me about it almost right away. So at the end of the day, I expanded my options, but came thisclose to never meeting the man that I now have a very happy relationship with. Had I checked casual sex, I probably wouldn’t have met him at all. Just my personal experience, YMMV, like they say. Also, from my brief dating experience, even if a guy has LTR and marriage as his long-term goal, he won’t say no to casual sex, so I don’t see the need to specifically check what’s already obvious. (I see that the article mentions this, although not in a good way.)
     
    As for the article, something caught my attention when I was looking through it. The article starts with:
     
    “After a six-month relationship with a man I met on OKCupid ended, I took a brief break. When I came back I decided to shake things up a bit.”
     
    And towards the end, says this:
     
    “Another observation I had was that a lot of the men contacting me during this time were in transitional phases of their lives. There were a number of couch surfers, recently divorced/separated guys and newly single types seeking women who might be, as the kids say, “DTF.” I didn’t want to be anybody’s “get over the hump” hump. If they admitted in their profile or in messages that they were newly single I didn’t engage further. I made sure I traded enough emails to discern what their relationship/living situation was. I was not interested in being a rest stop for some OKCupid hobo.”
     
    I’m confused here. So, it is okay for Moxie to be newly single and to “shake things up a little” because of that, but that very same thing is not okay for the guy? Don’t get me wrong, it’s all good and well that she doesn’t want to be a guy’s rest stop, but then why would he want to be hers? How bout a little reciprocity over here? Then again, as I understand from my brief, long-ago stay on Moxie’s blog, she and I are very different people and our thinking goes down completely different paths, so I guess I’m not surprised that I do not get this approach.

  3. 3
    @ATWYSingle

    Hi,
     
    All of the men I mentioned in the article checked off short term dating, long term dating and casual sex. As did I. I would never contact or respond to anyone who only selected casual sex.
     
    I have no idea if I would have met these men otherwise. I didn’t really think about that. That seems like a recipe for disaster. Suffice to say that they weren’t just looking for a ONS. If they were, they didn’t opt for that with me.

  4. 4
    Jackie H.

    Honesty is always the best policy, but you must be willing to accept the consequences of your honesty…

  5. 5
    @ATWYSingle

    @Goldie
     
    The difference is that I didn’t *tell* these men I was just out of a relationship. I intentionally avoided anybody who announced that in their profile or initial emails, because that’s a discreet way of saying that they’re just looking to get laid and nothing more. That’s why I crossed them of the list. If a man comes out and tells a woman he’s newly single, he’s telling her that she should have extremely low expectations. I don’t go out with those men.

  6. 6
    LC

    I can’t imagine clicking on the casual sex button.  I have never searched for casual sex not even once in my life. It seems that’s all men are looking for, and why would I put myself into that category if that’s NOT what I’m about?  Seems like lying to me.

  7. 7
    Michelle

    A few quotes from guys in the article got a strong reaction from me, specifically this one:
    “…Another said he did it so that women would understand that he would not date someone for too long without sex being part of the equation….”
    That one made me think a few things: 1. Well..y’know what sir I won’t date someone too long without the potential for a real relationship being a part of the equation. That means there won’t be any sex until I’m confident there is AT LEAST potential, and I won’t have a hint of that possibility until weeks of dating have allowed me to observe the man’s behavior.  Is he consistent? Is he making plans with me often? etc. etc.  THAT is the point where I’ll decide to have sex with him, but prior to that, I won’t do anything more than kissing and then going home to masturbate while fantasizing about how great it will be to sleep with him finally once he’s proven he’s worth getting involved with sexually. 
    2. What is too long exactly? I know guys have some internal sense of how long is too long, but I suspect they know that if you were to actually verbalize what that is to a girl they’d come off like a scum bag for setting a time frame for when a girl is supposed to put out especially if he KNOWS he doesn’t see himself being with her long term. To me, its only justified with a woman he knows he wants to be with and can assure that even if things don’t pan out for one reason or another, that his INTENT is to make it last. Then it’s understandable to get upset that a girl is making you wait too long.
     
     

  8. 8
    Amanda

    My only problem with this advice- “the difference between a player and a guy who commits is you”- is that it plays into a woman’s delusional belief that she can “fix” a bad boy. We all know that bad boys are and always will be selfish, even if they do marry eventually. Saying that a guy looking for casual sex is really a good guy who will act on his selfish tendencies until the “right” woman comes along is misleading to women. It makes them invest in these dbags with the hope that they’ll change for her once they see how amazing she is. So women try their hardest to be the “right” one, but we all know that’s a futile effort because bad boys/players/assholes rarely-if ever-change, and if they do, it’s usually not because of a woman. So if I can disagree on this one, I think men who are actively looking for casual sex are too selfish and are definitely not husband material. At least not for me. 

  9. 9
    Goldie

    @ Moxie #5: I see now. This makes sense! Thanks for responding.

  10. 10
    JB

    A woman I recently had a couple of dates with from Plenty Of Fish who’s profile intent said “looking for a relationship” told me she was thinking of changing the intent to “wants to date but nothing serious” and I told her don’t even bother it wouldn’t matter that much because most guys could care less. If they like your picture they’re going to email you for the most part. You have to “date” BEFORE you decide you’re in a relationship anyway so most men really don’t care and we have nothing to lose.      Ya know why? We’re MEN! :-)

  11. 11
    Skaramouche

    Interesting article.  In most circumstances widening the net is a good idea because it increases your options.  I’m glad it worked for you, Moxie.  Casual sex doesn’t mean only ONS or FB type situations.  To me it means exactly what it says…sex which is without commitment and expectation.  You can do couple-y things but the point of the relationship is that there isn’t one.  You owe one another nothing beyond a good time, in bed (and outside if you so choose).  I would argue that while the article presented some interesting points of view, there wasn’t anything particularly revealing.
     
    @ATWYSingle/Moxie
     
    >> If a man comes out and tells a woman he’s newly single, he’s telling her that she should have extremely low expectations.
     
    Or maybe he’s just being honest?  Not looking to engage you in a battle here…just genuinely curious.  Has it been your experience that all men who announce that they are newly single expect you to read the “I’m not looking for anything serious” subtext?

  12. 12
    @ATWYSingle

    @Skaramouche
    You make a very good distinction about this kind of disclosure. Yes, I think if a person offers that information, they are trying to say something without actually saying it.  If someone writes in their dating profile that they’re newly single, they’re setting up certain expectations. It’s the fact that they announce it that is the signal, not their status itself.

  13. 13
    Lia

    @ Goldie # 2
     
    Thanks for sharing your story.  I think you are very fortunate that your boyfriend decided to contact you in spite of his misgivings, he was able to see past that “I am not ready for a long term relationship right now” and contact you.
     
    About four years ago I tried online dating for the first time.  At that time I did not have any preconceived notions about what it would be like or what to expect.  Because I didn’t have any expectations, I felt like the belle of the ball.  I am sure that the twenty and thirty something crowd gets many, many, many times the emails I did but since I had nothing to compare it to I felt great.  It was so much fun.  
     
    Here’s the thing – I have a daughter Isabelle who is disabled.  I didn’t write about Isabelle in my profile.  I didn’t feel that this was dishonest because I wanted some small piece of my life that was just for me, some small part of the world where I didn’t exist solely as “Isabelle’s Mom”.  
     
    So in my profile I wrote, “I am looking for a monogamous relationship that does not involve marriage or cohabitation.”  I wanted to deliberately weed out those men who might be looking for a wife or partner because I knew I couldn’t be that.  (This tactic didn’t work as well as I thought it would.)  I was surprised at the number of men who wrote to me and tried to warn me that I should remove that part because other men who just wanted to use me would contact me.
     
    But the “bad” guys didn’t show up.  Dating was a blast.  I didn’t meet any creeps.  I met guys who made me think and laugh.  I went to dinner, dancing, movies, and many other great dates.  I was just so thrilled to be out and around other people.  That these people were kind, thoughtful, attentive men made it even better.  Dating had never been this much fun, even when I was twenty.
     
    So I dated for a few months (until my saving ran out and I could no longer afford to pay for caregivers) then I went back to the way things had been before.
     
    Things in my life have changed.  When I go back online I will NOT be looking to weed out men looking for something long term.  I won’t ever be checking the “casual sex” box (if in fact I go on OKCupid).  I got that the writer had fun with “shaking things up” but I don’t want to “shake things up” that much.

  14. 14
    Ruby

    Sometimes men look for sex and find love, but I think, more often, men look for love and find love…eventually. EMK has said that, even though he dated many women before meeting his wife, he was always looking for true love. Even if each relationship a man  – or woman – has doesn’t end up going long-term, the desire for long-term needs to be there. Otherwise, you do end up with guys in transition, cubs looking for a cougar, and men who, while they might be decent sorts, just don’t want a serious relationship.
     
    OKC also has a “short term relationship” button. In Moxie’s case, none of the men she dated turned into anything more serious, but it’s interesting that the structure of these relationships, in which she ” did “couple-y” things like go to the movies, make dinner, and spend weekends together, along with “intimacy and affection and shared confidences,” seems very similar to an actual relationship. To me, these relationships would fall more under the header of “STR”, rather than casual sex. So since these men had also checked off short term dating, then I think her results would have been the same if she’d left “casual sex” off.
     

  15. 15
    Rose

    “why would I put myself into that category if that’s NOT what I’m about?  Seems like lying to me.”
    It is lying. And no love can develop from lies. Truth opens the door for love to enter.

  16. 16
    Tom10

    Amanda #8
    “I think men who are actively looking for casual sex are too selfish and are definitely not husband material”
     
    I’m a bit bemused that you think guys who look for casual sex are selfish whilst simultaneously thinking that you are some sort of philanthropist serving the good of others with no benefit to you. Come on – women are out for their own needs too. Women want sex too, and love, and support, and intellectual stimulation and…whatever else you want from a man. Just because you look for love first and sex second doesn’t make you any better, or indeed a better marriage prospect.
     
    There is a difference between guys who look for casual sex and dbags – no-one is asking you to date dbags with the hope that they’ll change for you. In fact Evan advocates upping your game to identify these guys early and then ditch them.
     
    “So women try their hardest to be the right one”
     
    As you said yourself this is futile – once you’re trying, you’re losing.
     
    As Evan said going down the casual route is a high risk/high reward game. If you can differentiate between good guys who look for casual sex and dbags you might be well rewarded.

  17. 17
    Tina

    An interesting topic, an interesting blog on here, no doubt. There are always a provocation and a lot of different talks and i like it.
     
    I agree with big part of Tom10 #16. The only thing i do not agree… ‘high risk’ doesn’t always mean ‘high reward’.

  18. 18
    morgan

    @Lia 13
    Thank you for sharing your story.  I’m so happy you had that wonderful dating experience – bravo you.  All the best with whatever life brings.
     
    @1, 2 & 3
    WAH, acronym attack people…
    STR
    LTR
    OKC
    OTOH
    FTOO
    YMMV
    DTF
    ONS
    and possibly ATWY?
    Evan is so very articulate and he tends to attract commenters of the same ilk, but folks please don’t assume people know what you mean when you use these acronyms (if that’s even the correct term for them).  It’s freakin’ annoying when I can’t work out WTF you’re saying in an otherwise beautifully written comment (…yes I know, I did it on purpose)
    Yours in mock outrage,
    m

  19. 19
    Rose

    There is a difference between selfcare and selfish.
    If a man is telling you he is happy to have causal sex, LISTEN he is letting you know that he is happy to use a womans body as an object for his own instant self gratification with no regard for the woman as a whole person. That is a selfish attitude.
    He is telling you loud and clear happy to use your body if you willing to allow it. If you want the same and are happy to have your body used and or use his without knowing each other then no problem. You are a match.
    Most women however are not hormonally and biologically able to do this and will end up with a broken heart etc. as they are not able to compartmentalize sex.
    If however you want a mutual fulfilling loving relationship, then casual sex is not a good bet to get you what you want.  When a woman says no to casual sex she is declining having her body used in that way as she values and cares about  herself as a whole person wanting to take care of her body and heart and is able to wait and delay instant sexual gratification and get to find out about a mans character over time, choosing and holding out for  someone who is of good character and relationship’ husband material who doesn’t want to use and objectify women in this way.
    Personally it feels best to me to get to know the real man over time before I get to know his manhood. Who he really is on the inside. how does he treat women  Not what job he does, status, what car he drives, how hot he looks. And this takes time for their true selves and true intent to show.
    If casual sex with a hot looking man or woman is what BOTH people want then that is what they want, both people are a match and happy in that area.
    If both people want more than casual sex then getting to know the person first to see if you are compatible on inner core values will get you a better match for happy loving relationship.
    One thing for sure though is lying about what you really want will not bring happiness or love.
    There is no love with lies.
    If a man used to want and have casual sex but now has emotionally matured to be in a place where he no longer wants or is interested in casual sex. That is different. But he has to be in that place before you have sex with him if that is where as a woman you are already at. If as a woman you want more, choose someone who wants the same and is able.
    If he is still ticking a casual sex box, that is where he is at and what he is ok with. And as we all know you can’t change anyone else. So you then have to decide is that where you are at and what you are ok with? Are you a match in that very important area?

  20. 20
    Amanda

    @Tom- 
    In my understanding, casual sex means using people for sex, so what kind of character does a person need to have to actively seek out casual sex? Selfish and self-serving for sure. Yes, women love sex too, but sex for a woman most often means something more than just physical. Women typically don’t have sex with men they don’t want to be emotionally close to. Even if a woman wants to have a little fun, sooner or later, she’s likely to want a commitment from the man she’s sleeping with. Men who sleep with women casually simply don’t care enough about that. Why would they when they justify casual sex by saying “oh well women want sex too, so I’m not an asshole.” Just consider for a minute what feeling used feels like. It’s obvious most men don’t care enough to take a time out and think about that, and men who don’t care how their actions affect others are dbags. 

  21. 21
    Liz

    Yikes, you are very brave. I am of the attitude if it makes you happy, go for it. However, I can tell you that having sex with multiple men, who are in turn having sex with multiple women, would make it very difficult for me to develop any type of closeness. Perhaps that is my own insecurity, or part of just me. That has been the hardest thing for me to grasp in the world of online dating.

  22. 22
    Lia

    @ Morgan # 18
     
    I am embarrassed to admit that I often have to look up the slang/ acronym/ abbreviations.
     

  23. 23
    Karmic Equation

    Rose 19

    “If a man is telling you he is happy to have causal sex, LISTEN he is letting you know that he is happy to use a womans body as an object for his own instant self gratification with no regard for the woman as a whole person. That is a selfish attitude.”

    Rose, are you talking from personal experience? Or from conjecture?

    I think this is all conjecture on your part because what you state just doesn’t happen IRL. Perhaps online with the checkbox, but that’s not quite the same as “telling” it to someone’s face.

    #1 – Men and women don’t typically “tell” each other they want casual sex – not in those terms, any way. Most times, the conversation is “I’m not looking for anything serious” OR there is simply no discussion about commitment or relationships when the clothes start coming off. So no guy is going to TELL you he wants casual sex. He normally tells you what he’s NOT LOOKING for (way before the clothes start coming off) and you have to decide then whether to move forward or not. If you don’t end the relationship once he’s said “I’m not looking for anything serious”, you’re implicitly agreeing to HIS agenda: casual relationship. So, IRL, there is no “telling” anyone you want casual sex. The closest you’ll get is a “I don’t don’t want anything serious.”

    #2 – As a woman who indulges in casual sex, which means sex without commitment or expectations (great definition courtesy of Skaramouche 11)–not sex with anything with a penis–I am friends and friendly with and care for the men with whom I have (or have had) sex. We hang out, watch TV, shoot pool, play board games, talk, have dinner, etc., just like non-romantic friends do. The only difference is sometimes those hangouts end up with us spending the night together.

    I fail to see how simply adding the element of “casual sex” into the interaction all of a sudden makes my friends or me, “happy to use a [person's] body as an object for their own instant self gratification with no regard for the [individual] as a whole person. That is a selfish attitude.”

    I suggest that unless you ACTUALLY HAVE HAD casual sex, to not talk about it like this. Perhaps certain times in your past you may have had sex without commitment, but I’ll bet that you had unspoken expectations and were burned. So the sex was NOT, in fact, casual for you.

    Casual sex adds another dimension to one’s friendships. As long as you don’t have casual sex with people you actually want romantic relationships with, it’s a lot of fun. But you can only do this if you’re a secure person with a healthy and realistic outlook about sex and relationships.

    As a woman, casual sex allows you to “chase attraction” and not get burned, as long as you know how to deal with your oxytocin bonding tendencies. If you’re only in it for the sex and not angling for a relationship, once you have sex, your goal is accomplished. Any relationship that might result is a bonus. If you’re hoping for sex to jumpstart a relationship, that will backfire on you.

    So either have sex for sex’s sake; or have sex only within a sexclusive relationship. Don’t try to use sex to start a relationship. That’s when you’ll get hurt.

    That said, I’m glad I was a serious, monogamous young woman, who found good men to have relationships with. I think if I had met cads and players in my youth, I could easily have been damaged by them. But because I’m indulging now, as an emotionally mature and secure adult, casual sex is nothing but liberating.

    Tina #17
    When it comes to men, there is high reward to go with the right high-risk man. Wouldn’t we all want a chance to tame James Bond? The probability of taming a man like that is slim to none. But just imagine if you were “that one”<sigh>

    If you allow yourself to indulge in casual sex, there would be at least one night to remember for the rest of your life with a man like that. I’m not sure about most people, but I know that I regret things I’ve never done more than the things I have actually done. You can bet I’d “do” James Bond were I given the chance. Because I’d regret passing him up more than I would indulging. As long as I accept that no relationship will result, I would commit myself to having the time of my life (and his LOL) with him, even while knowing that would be the only night ever.

  24. 24
    Lia

    @ Rose # 19
     
    You wrote, “If a man is telling you he is happy to have casual sex, LISTEN…”  I don’t know if what follows in that paragraph is true about him having no regard for the woman as a whole person.  But I whole heartedly agree with LISTEN.  I had a guy friend say to me (after asking him how I could choose better), “look, listen, and pay attention.”   My sister always says, “people reveal themselves.”
     
    Casual sex is an emotional mine field that I am personally not equipped to deal with.  There have been times when I have wished I could, it seems to me that in someways it would be easier if I could.  
     
    When I went online four years ago I strongly believed three things. 1.  I would be the only one to take care of my daughter for the rest of my life.  I could not imagine that there would come a time when I would not be the one to do everything for her.  2.  I didn’t believe that anyone would be willing or able to take on the package deal I came with.  3.  That relationships were all about hard work, endless hard work.  
     
    I was so lonely.  I tried to find some middle ground.  I thought that if I had something monogamous with someone but didn’t expect them to take on something that I knew was too difficult that I could have two pieces of a life, even if they weren’t together. Believe me if I could have handled casual sex it would have been a such a relief – just to be held even if the man didn’t love me, even if he didn’t want forever, hell even if he didn’t want anything past one night.  There were times I would have given everything to just let go of all my considerations and feelings and just be different.  
     
    The dating was so fun.  Those men will never truly know what a gift it was just to spend time with them, to laugh with them, to talk with them.  They treated me so good.
     
    Near the end of my dating time I did get involved with someone.  He was a good guy but  the “monogamous with no commitment” relationship it did not work. Be careful what you wish for. :)
     
    I didn’t judge women who could enjoy casual sex… I envied them. 
     

  25. 25
    Lia

    @ Skaramouche # 11
     
    You wrote, “Casual sex doesn’t mean only ONS or FB type situations.  To me it means exactly what it says… sex without commitment and expectation.”
     
    Thank you for that definition.
     
    @ Karmic Equation # 23
     
    You wrote, “I fail to see how simply adding the element of ‘casual sex’ into the interaction all of a sudden makes my friends or me, (then you quoted Rose) ‘happy to use a [person’s] body as an object for their own instant self gratification with no regard for the[individual] as a whole person.  That is a selfish attitude.”
     
    IT DOESN’T!  I do NOT believe that if I had had sex with the men I dated (before I got involved) that they would have done it just for their own pleasure.  They probably would not have “fallen in love” with me but they would have cared, because they did care.  They were good guys, and if I had had casual sex with them they would have remained good guys.
     

  26. 26
    Rose

    Amanda says.
    “In my understanding, casual sex means using people for sex.”
    Is also my understanding Amanda. I base my understanding from the above definition.
    Casual sex or hooking up refers to certain types of human sexual activity outside the context of a romantic relationship. The term is not always used consistently: it may refer to extramarital sex, sex in a casual relationship, one-time encounters, promiscuity, or sex in the absence of emotional attachment or love, which can include prostitution and swinging.[1][2]
    Sure sounds like using someones body to me without emotional attachment or love to me. Detaching oneself from the whole person who is a person with emotions and feelings. Therefore compartmentalizing sex.
    If others disagree with the definition than I accept they disagree. I feel happy to agree to disagree as I have no interest in debating and agueing other peoples belief on the definition of casual sex.
    Others are free to believe what they like and choose to do what they like.
    Personally I would have no interest in ticking a casual sex box just to get more dates. This feels manipulative,dishonest and game playing to me. Again if otherw want to do that and they feel ok with it, then do what they like really.
    Like I said before. If Love is what you want, it is my belief that their can be no love without total truth.
     
     

  27. 27
    Rose

    Karmic, if women are happy to enter a friends with benefits relationship, then that is what they are happy with.
    If a woman wants love  romance in a committed realtionship. Having casual sex or agreeing to friends with benefits will not very likely get her what she wants and will just keep getting her exactly that casual uncommitted sex or friends with benefits. They are simply not a match.
    Yes you may hear of the RARE exception that led to romance  love and commitment. But that really is the RARE exception.
    Think we have already had a thread on that where Evan stated as much. Telling women not to have sex until the man wanted to commit to sexclusivity, therefore not having casual sex any more. So he had already reached that point in his life of not wanting to do that anymore.
    If as a woman casual sex is getting you what you want then carry on doing it. If it isn’t then stop. Simple really. If you are happy with it then it’s right for you.

  28. 28
    Joe

    Rose, et al.: in a mutually “casual sex” situation there’s no “using”–both people get as good as they give.

    1. 28.1
      Prisqua

      Totally agree. Casual is casual sex, usually both parties agree to have casual sex so nobody is using anyone.

  29. 29
    Karmic Equation

    Rose 26

    Again, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. You can’t say “sushi is horrible” if you’ve never tasted sushi. Taste it, then say it’s terrible. If you’ve never had casual sex, you’re not qualified to judge it. You can’t judge the people who’ve had it, you can’t say the people are compartmentalizing or using someone for sex, etc. Now if you say YOU, yourself, have had casual sex and this is why and how YOU have casual sex, then by all means say what you want to say. Otherwise, you’re not qualified to talk about casual sex, other than to say you don’t want to do it.

    If sex is such a big deal to you, how can you base an understanding from a DEFINITION, which by the way is flawed. Prostitution does NOT equal casual sex simply because prostititution is ILLEGAL in most places, whereas casual sex is quite legal. Unless you go into some states’ ancient blue laws.

    Absolutes get people in a lot of trouble. If you believe that there can be no love without total truth, would you let men you’re dating know that you post on this blog? And point them to your specific posts on love and sex and all that? You can’t have true love with those men without them knowing the full truth about you, right?

    There are just some things you don’t have to share. Doesn’t mean that you’re being dishonest, it just means some stuff is none of other people’s business.

    As it pertains to casual sex, no one has to tell you directly that they want casual sex, all they have to tell you is that they’re not looking for anything serious. If you don’t have conversations about sexclusivity before having sex, then you’re not sexclusive. It’s simple. But it’s not morally wrong for people to have casual sex. People who have casual sex are NORMAL people, not detached people who feel no emotions for the people they have sex with.

  30. 30
    Rose

    Karmic. I didn’t say it was horrible. those are your words not mine.
    I can and do say what I like, so to say I can’t say x, y or z is arguing with reality.
    If you believe I am not qualified to talk about casual sex that is your belief not mine. We have different beliefs. I feel happy to agree to disagree as I have no interest in debating and agueing other peoples belief on the definition of casual sex.
    Others are free to believe what they like and choose to do what they like.
    Any man I  chose to have sex with will know before hand my truth about love and sex.
    This conversation is now startling to feel too draining for me, it feels best to me to have conversations that energize rather than drain me. As I have previously stated I do not wish to agrue or debate my beliefs and feel happy to agree to disagree.It now feels best to disengage with you on this topic.
     
     
     

    1. 30.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Rose, instead of disengaging from Karmic, try listening to her. She’s right. Just because you can’t handle sex doesn’t mean casual sex is bad. Just because a man sleeps with a woman without intentions of a future doesn’t mean he’s using her against her will. Just because a man sleeps with a woman on a first date doesn’t mean he’s interested in a relationship. These are facts, not opinions. You’re allowed to conduct your life your way, but please don’t misunderstand or misinterpret reality for the rest of us who CAN have casual sex and are also GOOD people.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>