What Should I Do If I’m Pregnant and He’s Pulling Away?

What Should I Do If I’m Pregnant and He’s Pulling Away?g out results of a pregnancy test

I recently started dating a guy a couple of months ago; we met on a dating site back in January and were talking for about four months before we actually met. The first 3 weeks were magical! Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues. His ex wife screwed with his head and cheated on him a lot so, he brought those trust issues into our relationship. We made up and got back together and things were good for a few more weeks and he became upset that I had checked my email on a couple of dating site that I used before I met him. He still has his profile up and I didn’t make a big deal about it but he didn’t want mine up. Well, hence another fight. The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.

When we first started dating he called me babe or sweetie all of the time, texted me, and initiated conversations via text. When we are together it is great! I love being together with him but, he doesn’t want to spend the night and now when I text him they are short answers and I feel like I’m bothering him. He works a lot of hours and has 2 kids so I understand that he can’t always talk, but he just seems so cold and distant when we aren’t together. I am scared to have this baby and him not want to build a life with me. All I want to know is where he stands. I am so confused and I am starting to fall in love with him. I don’t want to put all this work and energy and love into this relationship if he is just not longer interested and is just going to walk away. I’m so scared and confused. If I wasn’t pregnant with his baby I wouldn’t worry, but now that I am I just want to know that he will be there for me and with me. Please help!

–Jules

Dear Jules,

I’m answering your question in spite of (because of?) the fact that I just did a post about whether men should be forced to pay for children they didn’t want. I want to shelve that discussion for now, because my feelings about that are irrelevant to my feelings towards your own dilemma.

I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.

And let’s be clear: this is one helluva dilemma.

I’m not sure how to say this diplomatically, so I won’t: your relationship is doomed.

Why am I so pessimistic? Let me count the ways:

“We talked for four months before we actually met.”

That means you fell in love with a stranger. Fell in love before you met him. Before you kissed. Before you ate a meal. Before you had your first fight.

Your cart is way before your horse.

“The first three weeks were magical!”

So are the first three weeks of every relationship. That’s how relationships get started! You do know that three weeks isn’t a really significant amount of time, right? You do know that you don’t get to see all sides of a person for a few years, right? You do know that you can’t build a lifetime on three magical weeks, right?

Oh, dear…you didn’t know that, did you?

Well, we had gotten into a fight because of his trust issues…We made up and got back together.”

Your beloved boyfriend of three weeks has trust issues. This is a big red flag, which you probably could have seen coming if you didn’t make him your boyfriend so fast. So now, you’re in love with a man you’ve barely met, and you have your first fight! And he quickly breaks up with you! And then you quickly make up with him!

The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.

And now everything’s supposed to be okay? Forgive me if I’m not sold.

The day we got into the fight I learned I was pregnant. We both took a couple of days to evaluate where we are and where we want to be. We finally spoke and made up a few days later.

This is where it starts getting sad and I can’t maintain any level of snark. I just want to give you a hug. Listen, Jules, I’m really sorry you’re hurting right now. You’re experiencing what everyone has experienced before you – the feeling of getting your heart broken by an unrequited love whom you overestimated due to chemistry.

The difference is that you’re pregnant.

It may or may not matter why you got pregnant. Did you forget your pill? Did he use a condom? Did it break? Did you have a spontaneous moment of passion without any protection? No matter what happened, you’re in the same place: you’re pregnant and you’ve got a man who doesn’t want to have any part in your life.

There. I said it.

You’re asking me “where he stands”. That’s where he stands.

He knocked you up, he completely regrets it, and he wants to run.

I don’t know this for a fact, of course. But the short-term nature of your relationship, the personality conflicts, the making up and breaking up, the trust issues, and the post-pregnancy pull-away give me all the signs I need to conclude that this is NOT your future husband and that you should NOT be wasting one more second on him.

I hope you can see in retrospect that he was never really your boyfriend. He was a stranger. A stranger that you feel you loved, but a stranger, nonetheless. You slept with that stranger, he knocked you up, he’s distancing himself and you’re still intent on ignoring his colossal flaws and trying to forge a relationship with him.

Babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way.

Please, stop.

The only decision you have is whether you’re going to keep the baby.

If you’re not, then you can terminate your pregnancy and your man simultaneously.

However, if you ARE keeping the baby, please be aware that, by making this decision, your child will probably not have much of a father. I’m not saying whether this is right or fair. I’m saying what is patently obvious to a third-party observer. This guy does not want a future with you, nor does he want to support a baby for the rest of his life. If I’m wrong, I’m wrong. But I’d be surprised if he stepped up.

I also believe that babies deserve fathers who WANT to be fathers, men who are fully committed to their wives and families. Unfortunately, you can’t MAKE a man want to be this way. He either feels it or he doesn’t.

So understand, Jules, if you choose to bring this baby into the world, you are also choosing to give yourself and your baby a great hardship: a tempestuous, mistrustful, busy absentee father who has no interest in being a part of either of your lives.

If it sounds like I’m weighing heavily in one direction, that’s because I am.

You have the right to do whatever you want. All I wanted to make clear was the consequences of your decisions.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, my friend. I hope you make the right call for you and your family. Please come back and let me know what you chose.

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Zara

    Eva that is not what evan is advising. He is asking her to think about her options and to understand she will have to raise this baby alone if she chooses to keep it. The father by his actions is showing he is not interesting in raising this baby with her or trying to work on the relationship. This is important to consider … if she chooses to keep the baby she will have to build a support network of friends/ family. 

  2. 32
    Rose

    Eva, if someone wants impartial advice, rather than a dating coaches opinion why ask a dating coaches opinion on a public forum
    She asked his opinion, he gave it.
    And as it is a public forum, she will get the publics opinion too. If someone doesn’t want an opionion then don’t share your problems or ask.
    Is up to her if she chooses to act on any of these opinions.
    . Or choses to connect deeply to herself, get a clear picture of what is going on with the man who is pulling away which Evan appears to have pretty shrewd idea about altough admits he doesn’t know for sure. Whislt ignoring opinions on what Evan and  what others think is best for her and her life circumstancies and making her own mind up.
     

  3. 33
    Sunflower

    There are obviously more than one top of discussion here…..abortion, casual sex, being a single mother.  However, I’m in total agreement with Jenna #14 & 22.  If you can’t be responsible with your actions during and after, you have no business going down that road to begin with.  Chew on that!

  4. 34
    Lau_ra

    Sunflower,
    such phrases like “chew on it” make me think that pro-lifers are actually happy if someone suffers in accordance to their poor-choices in regards to safety of sex…
    You talk about responsibility-well you know what – the OP is responsible either way, whether she keeps the baby or not. 
    Its not time to  start saying “you should have done this or that”. She has the right to decide what is best for her (yes, most convenient as well) and she should not be shamed about that, whatever is the choice.
     

  5. 35
    sarahrahrah!

    Jules, I have a somewhat different perspective.  As a divorced single parent in California, I can tell you that fathers have a lot of rights to their children, for good and bad. However, they have far fewer rights if they were never married to you.  I have many friends who are single parents and overwhelmingly, if the guy is a jerk, it is far better for you and your child if you never married.
     
    If  you read this blog, you’re aware of many women who have wanted children, but never got the chance.  Depending on your perspective and age, this child might be a blessing.  You may never have another.  It’s very much your choice, but I can tell you as a single parent that I’m very grateful for my children and wouldn’t want to change my status.  Also, I’m sure there are a lot of very involved fathers in the world, but, from my perspective, I did the majority of the work of child rearing so it wasn’t a huge difference from going from raising my children married to raising them single. 
     
    Food for thought.  Take care of yourself and good luck.

  6. 36
    Stix

    I am pro-choice, and yet I wonder why it’s so easy for people to evaluate their options when it comes to aborting or keeping a child, and yet so difficult to evaluate their beliefs about raising a child. It doesn’t have to be such a hardship to have a child. Just one child. 
    When evaluating “options” a woman can also, at the same time, evaluate beliefs, judgements, and the way they could raise their child. 
     
    I have a family member right now about to become a single mom. And she is going about it in the right way, if you ask me. Refusing to shell out 1000’s on expensive “toys” and disposables: cribs, strollers, swings, diapers. Instead opting for more frugal options: baby slings, a bassinette, a baby carrier, hand me down clothing, cloth diapers etc. She is planning ahead and saving up for the things the child will need as he grows, instead of perpetually breaking her bank and never being quite stable.
    A woman can evaluate HOW to raise her child, at the same time as she evaluates WHETHER to raise her child. 
    Abort, or hardship, are not the ONLY options. 

  7. 37
    Yuri

    A wonderful gift in a bad situation?  Doesn’t that wonderful gift deserve wonderful parents?
     
    I feel bad for Jules, and I wish her the best.  I can see she is trying to make the best out of a not-so-good situation for the sake of this child.  An unhappy relationship would not be best for the child and nor would a lack of a father figure.  She has options, and they are hers to choose from.
     
    If you don’t like abortion, don’t have one.  It’s not your place to judge the people that have them.  You can’t act like everyone who aborts just makes a split-second decision to terminate a child.  That’s a highly ignorant and simplistic view of the process.  She has the right to think it through and determine what she feels is right even if you don’t think it’s right.  Everyone has a view on what they feel is proper parenting, and it’s not one singular, universal view.

    I see her primary concern is providing a healthy and loving environment for this child.  Evan was simply stating that such an environment would not be provided by this man.  He did not encourage termination; he merely said it was an option.  He did also mention keeping the baby lest you all forget.

  8. 38
    Sabrina

    My heart goes out to the LW, and it makes me sad to see people bluntly advising her to “just get an abortion.”  I’m 110% pro-choice, but I can only imagine what an emotional decision it must be.  I hope whatever decision you make, you do it knowing that this guy is probably not going to be there for you, unfortunately.

  9. 39
    Sunflower

    New flash Lau_ra, I’m pro-choice!

    We live in a society of “it’s never good enough.” Who cares what other people do and have. It’s about acceptance and finding peace within yourself.

  10. 40
    Nattyk

    Aisling – I used to be like you all ‘judging’ about how pregnancy accidentally happens. I used fofm of birth control for years but when I split with my long term ex I removed it as I hated not knowing when my period was going to come it was vital to the depression I began to experience later on. My doctor agreed with me that  hormone based contraception was not helpin my moods. that’s all hormones btw. Anyway I stated dating a guy and we used condoms and I managed to get pregnant not entirely sure must of broke but at the time I did not realise it. I had an abortion. He had already dumped me. Then 6 months later I had a one night stand and the guy was a real dick – use were both drunk and he took out his condom, put it on and pulled it off during. When I realised I was horrified. I got the morning after pill and guess what? It did not work. I got an iud/ coil after my second abortion and I hate it but it was the next best thing as its non hormonal. Be careful of you get an abortion because your body can pregnant any real easy in the year afterwards for some reason you are more fertile according to what I’ve heard – anyway people forget that Mistakes genuinely happen and others judge real easy to. Not everyone agrees with hormonal bitry control so lo

  11. 41
    judy

    Jules, if you have decided to keep the baby, maybe your parents will help out.  Abortion is painful and leaves emotional scars (some of my friends have had abortions and still can’t live with their own choices).
    Adopting is tough when you’ve gone through the actual pregnancy.
    Please make the right choice for you and your baby.  I hope that you find a good man, who will be a father to your baby and husband for you.
    Hugs from here,
    Judy

  12. 42
    TJ

    Evan is right on the money with this one.  He’s already out the door.  She just needs to decide whether she wants the baby or not.  However, the option Evan fails to mention is keeping the baby and still nixing him.  She can simply commit to being a single parent and neither solicit nor expect any contribution from him at all.  If she wants a child and is in a financial position to do this, it’s an option. I wish her the best whatever she decides! 

  13. 43
    Carla

    Wow. Looked up this topic because I am in a similar situation. Not exactly but similar aka getting pregnant early on in what seemingly felt like a comfortable and fun relationship.  I do not agree with the majority of the responses here. I feel they are offensive and selfishly out of line. Truth is the situation is hard. But, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason and for me this baby without or without her father has been a tremendous gift to me and my life. I am confident in my ablitity to be a single mother if that’s how the cookie crumbles.
    Let’s be honest on though, it is a trait of a coward to not take any sort of responsibility not only for knocking someone up as its been said here but to not take responsibility for the actions that caused it.  Life happens. We meet people that inspire us to fall in love for our own personal reasons and it is not to be judged by those around us or those reading or sitting on the sidelines of our story to place shame or negativity on our actions or desires.
    What the world needs is kinder, more understanding people that engage in their relationship in a more authentic way.  Regardless of how long they’ve known each other, where they met or how long it took to finally meet. Life happens. Embrace it and feel no shame for what was REAL AND HONEST FOR YOU.

    1. 43.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      You’re choosing to carry a child to term that he doesn’t want. He doesn’t have the right to make you have an abortion. It’s your body.

      So why do you have the right to make him pay for this child for the next 18 years? How are you being kind and understanding to him?

      To be very clear, life doesn’t “happen”. You’re CHOOSING to bring your child to term. He has no choice. That’s not fair – and if you were a more sympathetic person, you’d try to understand things from his perspective instead of your selfish perspective. He’s not a coward. He just doesn’t want to pay half of his income to a woman he doesn’t love for a child he doesn’t want. Put yourself in his shoes and it makes perfect sense.

  14. 44
    Carrie

    If you want to have an abortion then that is your choice (thankfully we get to have that choice these days) however if you want to have the baby then do so! I had 2 children to a man I did it all socially correct with, dated for 2 years, engaged for a year and then we married, had 2 children and then 6 years later, he left me! Then I met a man I quickly fell for and I hadn’t dated more then 4 months before I became pregnant. Now I’m 5 months pregnant and he has decided its all too hard and expensive so here I sit divorced, mum of two and pregnant with a ‘looser’ stamp constantly being threatened to be stamped on my head. BUT I have my children, I will have this one (not anymore though) and I will be happy. Sometimes it doesnt matter if you do it the ‘right way’ or the ‘wrong way’ because it may or may not work out the way you hope. All you can do is your best and put your child first. If not having the child is what you believe is best then I won’t judge but rest assured he will be a giant jerk either way so make your decision for yourself and the bub.

  15. 45
    beavis

    Abort…abort…abort…you can see the train wreck coming with this man in your life…

  16. 46
    Tatiana

    no don’t kill your baby. U don’t need him to complete your happiness. 
    A baby is your choice not if the farther stays then yes keep it. I am a single mother N I am doing happily fine with the jerk who left.  My kid happy n that’s what’s makes me even happy. Abortion is sad n who carries a baby for 9 months n then gives it up. U don’t need him. Unless your basing your life on a stranger u barley knew then that itself show’s the less confident you’re. Be strong n have your baby. It will be the happiest day of your life

  17. 47
    Lisa

    I understand Evans point however men fail to understand that having an abortion is not an easy thing to do.  Even if the mother does not want the child it can be a devastating ordeal…having something ripped out of your body is not as easy as buying a bag of potato chips at a store.  And this is not about religion because I am an agnostic.   Almost all of the  woman I have known who has had an abortion (about 3) has regretted it and wished they had the baby.

  18. 48
    Richard

    I read your story and I think these people gave you some sage advice my brother works for a child support firm called support kids, let me tell you how many times a parent, boy friend has fallen short in their duties owing years of child support and the parent has to turn to public asst. just to get by people should take sex more seriously because the outcome can screw up your life for years to come hard to find work baby sitter than you have to come home to a baby after a long day of work now imagine that for years to come.

  19. 49
    chante

    You guys are all wrong, talking about abortion! Whats wrong with you people. I can tell none of you are christians. Jules, sweet heart, I am currently a single mother, and am pregnant right now. My son is 2 years old. Yes it terribly difficult to raise a child on your own. But it has nothing to do with the father, if you love your child you would do the right thing. Sweet heart dont go to hell listening to these people. Its sin to murder anyone, and an abortion os a form of murder. The best choice is just to have the baby and just leave it at the hospital. Then they can give it to a family that truly wants a baby. Please dont listen to these nuckleheads. God says, he chidlren Parrish due to the lack of knowledge. Im informing you that its a sin to murder so now you know. God bless you

  20. 50
    Anna

    Hi, I think a lot of thinking should be done by this lady at which point she is in her life and if she can provide and want and love and cherish a child, the guy should be taken out of the equation.

    I had an abortion fairly recently, and I just can’t seem to get over it… I’m struggling with life a bit now and feeling really depressed and can’t stop thinking about it. I am not quite sure what to do. It’s had a huge impact on my life and I don’t know which steps to take to move forwards from this. I wish I had given it more thought.

  21. 51
    Stacy

    You guys are stupid. She should keep the child no matter what her stupid immature little boyfriend thinks. Obviously she’s OLDER and not a teenager if her little “boyfriend” has two kids of his own already. Abortion is a terrible idea, for ANYONE. If you even think about it, you’re a terrible person. That’s taking away someone’s life. Someone who might not ever be born again. You don’t know. So stop saying it. It’s a cruel punishment for an unwanted child.

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