When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?

The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:

How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex.

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.

The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. … That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts? Men, I want to hear from you, as well…

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Comments:

  1. 31
    khris

    Honestly I can’t handle sex without emotions UNLESS I’m on the prowl (hormones) which hasn’t been something I have been on in a very long time and I can only think of one instance were the guy called back but as soon as I became nice with him he turned on me and gave me the boot, later came back but was only looking for more sex.

    I personally can’t deal with sleeping with men I have dated, I already know if I sleep with him well I like him and he’s a potential for me so I prefer not to sleep with a guy unless I know in my heart that I don’t care to get that call again. Plus I don’t like other mens scent and energy on me which in some cases is very negative.

    I’m not the bible belt type either, marriage before sex but I can say that waiting has its benefits. Unfortunately the Samantha Jones of the world are next to nil, most women want more, desire commitments with men they sleep with. I have used to relationships to cure my loneliness and I know for sure thats not that answer.

    I say date, have fun, stop worrying about if he calls, just go with it but be aware of your feelings and emotions and always be honest with yourself. Bottom line is if you know your skin is thin like mine well its probably best to not have sex until you can function it all out, alteast thats what I have chosen to do.

  2. 32
    Hot Alpha Female

    Evan i think thats a wonderful standard to have.

    “Find out if the man is interested in you or in the sex”

    I don’t like the term dating rules. But if there was one rule to live by when it comes to this issue, THAT would be it!

    thanks for sharing….

    Hot Alpha Female

  3. 33
    Zhinnara

    It’s so ture and well said that there are no actual rules for when to have sex for the first time. It all depends on the indviduals and the circumstances. I personally prefer deeper connectedness with a guy and of course some level of commitment. But agian others might feel differently about it. The best way is to go by our own instincts and decide according to that. The bottom line is whenever you have sex, enjoy it without getting hurt emotionally.

  4. 34
    Mich

    Totally 100% Paul has it right. If a guy really cares, he will wait til marriage. I live in liberal SF California and – surprise – know a LOT of people who have waited til marriage, and NO SURPRISE they all have MUCH better marriages than those who, eh, took the honeymoom before they got married.

    Real love can wait. And, guys, there’s no bigger turn off to women than a guy who’s weak about sex. Learn to go for a jog, take a cold shower, and perhaps say a prayer now and then. I promise, you will have no regrets!

  5. 35
    Chance

    Hello Ladies,

    Welcome to the leftovers of the women’s movement. Instead of a guy treating you like a lady and trying to provide a good home, you are now treated like bitches and ho’s. It will take a very long time to heal the wounds of the seventies and eighties. You can start by not sleeping with a guy unless you really care for him. So many of you say, ” Does he want me or sex” ????? Are you really that stupid!? The males in practilcaly every species is designed to want sex with HIS perception of the fittest female. It may be a nice full figure, it may be a twigy and some it just might be big boobs. The thing is men think of sex on an average of 3 seconds for every minute he is awake. Women on an average of 14 seconds and hour. This is in a normal enviroment not one where you may be looking for sex, example; doing math in your cubicle with no opposite sex photos or work mates, or wiring up a building with no females around. The answer will always be HE WANTS SEX! It is up to you to make him want REAL sex with you. This is accomplished by not caking on make up, wearing push-up bras, gel or water filled bras, hi-heals, control top pantyhose, hair extensions, and definitely not acting un-interested. Playing hard to get only works on guys that want to conquer you or notch their bedpost. If you truely want someone to love you for who you are… be you! Let them know what they see is what they get, don’t be affraid to experiment and make him happy. News flash, the more you make him happy the more he will want to make you happy. If he is selfish then you will need to cut back as he does. Let his actions speak for yours but please DEAR GOD do not use the pussy as a weapon. If you try he will screw your best friends, your sister, maybe your mother and don’t leave him alone with the cat. There is only one offense worse than using sex as a weapon and that is cheating. Remember though, just like women we want support and affection. Don’t be like the stupid females and think he will pick up on the things you want. Men are intelligent but very simple. We do not have the social skills, verbal skills, intuition or need to please like women. We can be programmed if you tell us what you want by making a certain look at the same time. After about five times we will know that look and respond. The key answer though on when to give it up is, it is not a date or number, especially a pre-set number. It is when you feel confident the two of you are ready and if he doesn’t call again you will be okay with it. If you are squriming your bar stool cause your crotch is burning and the guy seems to be what you want go for it. Make sure one of you has protection, it may be the last time you see him. If you are truely after love and happiness, he will wait, trust me! If I could find the perfect woman for me, I could wait five years. Love is not sex but sex is part of love. It is a way to communicate intimately what we have trouble finding in words. Women can usually find some words but they have the need for intimate communication also. Don’t let being horny dictate. Yes men want sex and yes if is too easy they will worry more about how easy the next guy can get you into his bed. Not so much how many you have been with because both men and women lie about the number. Be a lady in company and a slut in bed and if he loves you it will last. Be a slut in company and a lady in bed and his interests may wander.
    Well, I am done and I wish all who read this the best of luck and hope you all find the right one. The world would be a better place.
    Take care,

    Chance

    1. 35.1
      newreader

      Brilliant!

  6. 36
    Brian

    Why do some women believe sex is something of a commodity, to either grant or withhold from men? What if the tables were turned?

    Sex is used too much as a tool (I’ll give it if you’ll stay, I won’t if you don’t/won’t stay) – that’s just silly. Why is it so difficult for a man to find a woman to have sex with?

  7. 37
    Lona

    @brian because men can be assholes

  8. 38
    Maria

    I think all men are assholes, the only variation is to what degree. However, when it comes to sex and matters of the heart I am blessed with two brothers who I have been fortunate to observe over the years. Evan and Chance (#35) are spot on. I have witnessed my older brother dump a smart, sweet attractive woman (long term relationship) faster than you can blink an eye for a slut. Within 3 weeks he proposed to the slut and had been dating the other woman for several years!!! LOL I believe a man knows when he knows, it’s all not planned out. (My brother is not smart enough to actually plan a maneuver like this!) It does not matter when you sleep with him. If sex doesn’t deepen his attachment to you, NOTHING else will. You just havnt met the right guy yet.

  9. 39
    shanu

    gr8 thoughts! i lost my virginity to a guy last yr just coz he told me he is a virgin too and he wants to just experience once. i loved him and gave him all i could for last one and half year . things turned bad and loveless,i could feel only lust from his side and a lot of pressure in bed, he dumped me and now confessed that he ws not a virgin …. i made a mistake , and just realised alot of stuff after reading all these blogs . i didnt wanted to lose it before marriage.

  10. 40
    Sayanta

    “I think all men are assholes, the only variation is to what degree.”

    Does that mean you’ve stopped dating them? I only ask because if I thought someone was an asshole, I wouldn’t want to waste any time in their presence.

  11. 41
    Maria

    No of course I havn’t stopped dating men, I am heterosexual. Allow me to rephrase, all men have an “assholish” side to them. Is that better? And if you ask men, they will say all women have a “bitchy side.” It is what it is. We are all only human and we have weaknesses.

    Shanu, #39 just a quick note to reply to your situation. When it comes to men, believe none of what they say and only half of what they do. You will be just fine. This experience will make you stronger and you have learned alot.

  12. 42
    Thiagoo

    Let me be clear. Whether it is animal or humans all the living organisms in this world are made for each other to live. its just we humans got thinking power than animals and made our self different species. Due to social, cultural and economical changes, Sex is looked in multiple angle. What ever the chemistry we all talk. it might not exist at the later stage in life. We humans have some animal nature inside our heart. This vary across men and women. When you start a relationship, men and women attract each other for sex, sharing of life etc.. but when time travels, we face so many social and work challenges. Of course, economic challenges. If men and women who thinks all about this and serious about having sex together by considering all these factors. There won’t any cheating. If they do lie to get sex or temporary satisfaction. They are going to break up. During the date, we spend lot of time is attracting each with our physique, style, color , structure etc.. but we always fail to discuss the day to day things in life. So many factors such as, food habit, cleanliness, type of life, style, social life style, etc.. are important to discuss during date.

    If both men and women agree, then you have sex and continue. At this point they both are going to clear, what they want in life before or after having sex. So be creative in dating. Don’t any ways blame men for cheating women or women for cheating men.

    These are basics of life before getting attracted. Thats why historically culture was formed and some religions are following it. Even though some Negatives are there. After all life is not about sexual desires. But, some people argue with western attitude of open approach to sex.

    I am not gonna say which one is right, which one is wrong. All i am trying to say is that, BE CLEAR and TALK EVERYTHING.

    Hope this helps

  13. 43
    qp

    freedom to love vs lack of freedom to love. it dont mean a thing with out a ring.

  14. 44
    Jay

    Last night I cancelled a date with a girl I had been seeing about 2 months and told her I didn’t think we were right for each other. Why? I realized that we didn’t have the right chemistry for one. I guess in the end that was the real reason. But lack of sex was the straw that broke the camel’s back. She wouldn’t even take off her top.

    Sex isn’t everything, but it is the most visceral, direct form of intimacy us guys know. Moreover, I have had too many experiences of girls who seemed to want me as little more than a friend for them, but who wouldn’t show me even the slightest commitment by going that extra step.

    Who knows? Maybe me and that girl would have been able to have some more chemistry together if she had opened up a little more to me?

    I’ve never had a girlfriend, so I would give my left arm to be in a committed relationship. But if a woman won’t have sex after months, that tells me that she doesn’t see me as a man. I refuse to be the guy who buys her dinner, takes her out, cooks and gives her everything I have only to be told “let’s just be friends” at the end of the road.

    Take heed ladies: withholding sex is a double-edged sword. You can’t test his commitment without having yours tested in the process.

    Consider that your refusal to have sex is also a sign of lack of commitment on your part, and if the guy picks up on that lack of commitment, it may drive him away from you if he’s serious, just as surely as it will drive him away if he’s not serious.

    So my suggestion is to wait, but don’t wait too long or you risk losing something good.

  15. 45
    David

    Had a second date with awomen two nights ago that turned into a night of sex. The next day, I called her and she told me she regrets what happen and how upset she is for allowing me and her to get into this situation without actually getting to know one another. She told me she does not feel comfortable seeing me again. Before it happened, everything was dandy! What do you guys think is going on?

  16. 46
    Steve

    @David #45
    It is very difficult for most people to say “Hi, my name is blank, lets have a booty call”.

    If a man had said the things your liaison said to you most people would conclude that she was just out for a booty call, but didn’t know how to handle the maneuver successfully while being 100% upfront about it.

  17. 47
    Joe

    Uh, maybe she’s having second thoughts? Did you slip her a mickey or something?

  18. 48
    David

    I know this is not a booty call. I know that. She and I talked again the next day after she has given some thoughts as to what she said the day before aboutnot wanting to see me again. She has agreed to meet for lunch and coffee this weekend strictly as friends. She told me she felt like I invaded her boundary and I am way too fast for her taste. I might be but damn I am a guy, we fall for this kinda shit. I like this chic but what I am hearing from her is that I will now never respect her the way she wants to be respected. I don’t want this to end but sure as hell sounds like it’s headed that way…

  19. 49
    David

    Joe,
    Nah! I did not slip her a mickey. I am a decent guy, alright?

  20. 50
    Ava

    David #48

    If she didn’t want to have sex, and she’s so upset about it now, why didn’t she just say no in the first place?

  21. 51
    Kristyn

    David – why is she telling you how you feel? She might guess/worrythat you won’t respect her, butI’m not getting from your posts that you actually feel that way at all. Hmmmm.

  22. 52
    David

    Ava #50
    She said I instigated it and she lost self control. Obviously, I am to be blamed for it. She only started to get upset the next morning and got worst as the day progressed. She is better now but very distant.

  23. 53
    David

    Kristyn #51
    I have no idea why she thinks this way. I only had two dates with her. She has shared with me that her ex was very abusive towards her so my guess is that she is really seeking a guy who will respect her. I told her that it will not be an issue but I don’t think she trust me yet to believe what I said. She has hit the reset button on me and is distancing herself. Does not want to see me tonite as planned. Do you have any advise? I am a guy so cannot speculate what’s really going on in her mind.

  24. 54
    Kristyn

    I’m a girl and cannot speculate what is in her mind.

    If you are really interested, my advice would be to show her that you mean what you say – but how to do it if she is discounting both your words AND your actions, I don’t know. And I don’t know that I’d be interested in putting in time making up for someone else’s behavior.

    Just my thoughts.

  25. 55
    David

    Kristyn #54
    Thanks for the advise. It’s hard to show interestwhen she is isolating herself. We talked this morning.She is now saying that we have a personality conflict and won’t be a good fit long term. She says I am too fast for her pace and that she needs someone who is more laid back. After two dates and a night of sex, I have been judged and given a title “Aggressive”. Wehaveagreed not to see each other again.Kristyn, you are right. I am not sure if I want to invest time to correct someone else’s behavior. Lessons learned from this is not to have sex the first several dates until you have had the time to get to know each other. It can hurt cause before and after that night, I was talking to two different person.

  26. 56
    Kenley

    David,
    Since you have only had two dates with her and you are already working way too hard to figure her out , I think you need to move on. I have a feeling that if you keep trying to catch her, you are just setting yourself up for headaches and heartaches. Walk away and find a woman who isn’t carrying so much baggage.

  27. 57
    Selena

    David,
    Perhaps she’s ambivalent about dating you, ambivalent about sex, or both. Sounds like she let her hormones rule for the night and now instead of taking responsibility for it, is choosing to “blame” you. If she’s distancing herself – let her. This is your red flag that this chick has “issues”.

  28. 58
    Ava

    David #53

    Something about this situation smells fishy to me. Does it make sense to you that someone who is so upset about having casual sex has done exactly that? And that she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own choices? Perhaps she is “just not that into you”, or has unresolved issues about her past abusive relationship. I’d back off.

  29. 59
    Selena

    @David #55

    What you described is something many women have gone through: guy seems really interested the first few dates, sexoccurs and then the guy becomes distant, backs away. The woman is left wondering “What happened?” It’s confusing and it does hurt and feels like the guy was two different people. It becomes pretty obvious upon reflection that the guy really wasn’t interested in the woman as a potential girlfriend, just interested in having sex with her at that point in time.

    Reverse the genders and it sounds as though this is what happened in your situation, with the added little barb of being called *aggressive*. And you’ve drawn the conclusion many women have: Don’t have sex until you’ve taken the time to get to know each other.

    Though I’m sure it stings right now, I think you really dodged a bigger bullet down the road by finding out how this woman operates before gettingmore emotionally invested.

  30. 60
    David

    Kenley #56, Thanks for the post. I am moving on. I don’t need the baggage at the moment.
    Ava #58, None of this makes any sense to me and I will never ever find out. I don’t want to anymore. It’s quite stressful.
    Selena #57, I couldn’t agree more.
    Selena #59, I hope that’s not the case. I take responsibility for instigating the sex. I also did not draw those conclusions. She told me so. Maybe I should have wored it different. It’s not important anymore. Water under the bridge.

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