When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?

The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:

How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex.

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.

The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. … That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts? Men, I want to hear from you, as well…

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Comments:

  1. 151
    shawn

    most men cant go long without sex. men dont feel connected to a partner without it. hey its biology 3 dates max and then  its the sheets or dont call me again.

  2. 152
    Nic

    Honestly,If a man who truly loves you will wait for you to have Sex.
    Now if you want to give up the goods at the first date that is your call.But do not blame the Guy for servicing the goods and leaving! 
    Why would any self respecting woman submit herself to a man on the 1st date anyways.Yu do not know that man..Neither does he know you.
    You are basically going on a date for SEX and nothing More!

    And THis article about Modern day whatevr bull shit..
    Sex and Relationship is no different through the centuries.
    Albeit..We are in the 21st Century Yes..But Still Morals and Values Stand firm and true through out tome. if you want to have a relationship that meaningful..
    Sex is Sex IS SEX!
    LOVE Always and has nothing to do with SEX!
    That is why a man knows the difference between love and Sex better than a woman!
    True Sex ..it is Extremely important to a relationship..I am in full agreement.

    But a woman should Never Ever sleep with a man on the 1st date much less the 3 or 4th..She should gave him a period of at least 3 months.Which is fine..
    Why give up the goods, if the person turns out to be a douche!
    We are so busy trying to rush through time we do not really GIVE TIME to make a relationship better..Men and Women..

    Take TIME to know who you are with..
    Take Time to Understand the Person you are with..
    Take time to Enjoy the Company of that Person you are with
    Take Time to Know Yourself and how this person makes you into a better person and, or if this person brings great qualities out of You or Not.
    Take Time Is the Message really…
    We are all rushing into relationships and when it does not work out we wonder why and what happened..to make it end..or not work out..

    Men knows within 30 seconds if the want to Fuck you, or Marry you or have a long term relationship by the way in which you carry yourself!
    That is true..
    To a man Self respect is worth Rubies in his eyes.
    He knows if you are going to cherish yourself 1st before someone cherishes YU!
    And if you do not care about yourself or your reputation then Why should he care?
    If you want to Give Sex on the 1st date.I am sure he is not going to say NO!
    If he can test Drive and Leave without as much as a THanks for the ride!

    SO I think what i really want to say is this..
    If you want Sex..Then go about doing whatever it is you want..Sex on the 1st date or whatever.
    IF you want Love and Respect from a Man then Yu let Him Wait..
    Cause you need to know IF he is the man who will love you and take the time to really understand and know WHO YOU ARE!

    Some people will disagree with my opinion..That is fine..But I want to say is this..Yes, we are in a Modern Age..But, as I said..THe values, Traditions..And Thinking of a MAN IS still the Same!
    HE wants a WIFE who will love him and care for him and any children they should have.Period.
    No one can alter that In a Man..That is how it is ..and It is never ever going to change.
    THe time will change but in the heart of ALl Men-They know what they want and do not want out of a WOMAN.
    It is really that Women are failing to Understand the Heart and Mind of a MAN!

    Men Loves Sex.But they want Love Most of All!
    And a woman explaining to a man why she wants to take time to get to know him before Sex is sure to make his Eyes Look at her with great Admiration and Respect!

     

  3. 153
    Missy

    @chance

    I love you haha! 

  4. 154
    Think

    David # 65
    You know her ex was abusive, you know she has trust issues.

    She is starting to trust you because you ‘seem’ to be ‘serious’. She is coming around, that is why she is contacting you,…and you want to trash the trust you have already established with her,… Nice guy!

    Whatever you have decided, that you’re in or out, make it clear! She does not need you to use her and convince her, all men are ‘abusive’, using, assholes.

    You are all absolutely clueless.

    Nic # 160

    Absolutely! Culture may say things are ‘different’ but people are the same no matter what the Century.

    If he wants sex he will disappear quickly when he does not ‘get any’ but be aware that a man may stay around just for the challenge as well.

    Women need to ‘guard’
    themselves and wait,….. for their own safety,…on multiple levels.

    Every man will honestly tell you, ‘men are dogs’.

  5. 155
    Bravo

    This is going to sound extremely nuts but my wife made me wait 6 months but it wasn’t a set time in her mind it was more like we had to build this emotional connection. I was practically writhing in pain (lol) but during the course of that suffering I found out she is amazing. We fell in love, and when it happened I felt even closer to her. It was like everything became intense and we been riding that high ever sense. We have been together for 6 years married for 3. I’m not a fan of waiting but I had a one track mind until she showed me how amazing she is. So ladies if you are making him wait, do not sit idly by as he suffers in anticipation. The best thing about this time is that you have his undivided attention. Be yourself but show him how you feel about him in other ways.

  6. 156
    Nic

    Bravo- Actually what you said is not nuts at all.
    But what you said was very important.
    And that is Emotional Connection.
    When there is emotional Connection between a man and woman.The relationship is off to a great start.A man will fall in love with you.
    Time is what i was saying from my earlier post.
    Taking the time to know the person you are with And establish- A bond-Trust-Respect-loyalty.
    It is very hard for a Man or Woman to walk away from a relationship with those element are involved.
    Being yourself is very important.
    Making the person you are with Understand who you are..What you love and what you want out of life is important.
    I know many men and woman have become jaded and many carry resentment from past relationships and whatever.
    But just seeking Sex is not going to make anyone happy..except for the few out there..who do exist.

    Men are wonderful-Truly wonderful!
    Men Want to be happy and they do want to live happy lives with a great woman.Who will stand by them no matter what.

    So here is what i am saying- If you want only Sex- then that is all you are going to get.
    Lol..You might even get bad sex too!
    And is bad sex worth it?
    You give what you get really..
    But regardless- women need to wait.
    Wait ..Do not give a man sex on the 1st date-or the 3rd or 4th date.
    Be smart-Be wise.
    We can all make very bad mistakes when we are so desperate for  any affection really.
    And having sex with someone- who you do not know is not going to make you happy!
    If you want love- admiration-respect- loyality…You can find it..and it does exist..
    You cannot find or get these qualities rushing into a sexual relationship.

  7. 157
    Michael

    Wow, it seems that the Old Sin Nature has the majority of us all fooled. Man by Nature is Sinful. What did the Lord God tell Adam and Eve: not to eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. They were fine till they ate the Forbidden Fruit.

    By the way, the Forbidden Fruit was a Grape. So, now for over 6000 years since Adam and Eve man has for the most part been Doing HIS OWN thing: Opposite of what the Lord God had told us to do. Just think if they would have Obeyed God. How much better off would the world be?

    Well, God gave us Free Will. Otherwise we would be Robots. But Truthfully, He Placed in His Word(a King James Bible) how we should act toward a Woman we want to love. I am far from Perfect, and Sadly am going through a Second Divorce.

    My First Wife I truly loved, and waited till we Married to be Intimate! Wow, you talk about something Incredible! She had a 12 year old (before Wedlock) who did not want her Mother Married. The Daughter was the Wedge that broke us up. (She, the daughter some years later called to Apologize. The Stepdaughter was now a Stepparent herself and realized how good I tried to be to her. She destroyed the joy that my first Wife and I had. Sadly, my first Wife was not able with her daughter to keep her in check.)

    In my Second Marriage, my Estranged Wife saw me as a Meal Ticket and Decided on the first date (knowing I was real Vulnerable. It had been 10 years since my Divorce) to coax me into Sex. Big Mistake for myself! I had gone to meet her with every intention of just getting to know her. She pushed herself on me. And while I am an adult I was not strong enough to resist her. Just like Adam in the garden I gave into to sin.

    So, I can tell you from experience (as a Christian and a Man) that if you Really Like someone WAITING is the Key to Real Love. You see, if your Frame of Mind is Focused on how the Lord Jesus Christ had created our Roles as Men and Women are to be(no sex till marriage) and each person has that proper frame of mind WAITING can be The Best Goal for your Relationship. I truly believe this and if Both Parties have the Same Belief then as difficult as it may seem in this Sex Crazed Society : Real Love Can Wait.

    There is a difference between Infatuation and Real Love. It depends on What you Men and Women Want. Honestly, I want a Wholesome thinking Woman who will Love me for who I am : A Gentleman, Kind, Loving, Giving, and very Caring Man who is not only Totally Loyal to 1 Woman; but Who will Be to her all I can as a Godly Man.

    Sadly, I let Infatuation win instead of True Love: it has been a Costly Divorce I am still going through. I made the mistake of Not being the Man God had Created us Men to be. All it got me has been serious Heartache, Pain and so far has cost me over $100,000 dollars and counting.

    My Advice for all those Men out there is 1. First Trust Christ Jesus as Savior (Believe that He died for your sins, was Buried and Rose Again in your Heart) 2. Become the Man God created us to be and 3. Then Act like the Man God Created you to be and

    Then True Love will be yours! I mean, come on People…If you want Love that Lasts this is really the only answer.
    Sex is not Love, but True Love does have Sex as a part of it. True Love is much better than all this Sex the World is having with No Real Purpose in it! And when we have Sex with no purpose involved You are Not Better than an Animal!!

    (Thanks for the Random capitalization! – the Jewish Atheist Moderator)

  8. 158
    casey

    I always find it amusing when women ask why it is cool for a guy to sleep with tons of women, while a girl who sleeps around is considered a slut. If you think about it, that is really, really dumb question. Why? Because the answer is so damn obvious.

    Men and women have totally different views on the value of “experience” in potential mates. Most men would consider a girl who has been with too many partners as loose. And most women would classify a guy who hasn’t been with enough partners as a loser.

    So there you go. Women are attracted to promiscuous men, while men are attracted to non-promiscuous women (which, like most aspects of human psychology, probably has roots in evolutionary adaptation). For women to try convince men that “sluts” are just as wholesome as the less experienced girls would be the equivalent of men trying to convince women that shy, nerdy, socially awkward nice guys are just as desirable as suave “bad boys”.

  9. 159
    Amy

    I’m going to try and keep this short otherwise I really get upset.
    My husband and I hadn’t had sex in 45 years! That was on our wedding night, the first, last and only time. He told me he didn’t like it, it was digusting, no excitement, no meaning and just plain blah. Also that will never happen again. and it hasn’t happened again. He set up housekeeping in the basement then traded his day time job for a midnight job. He treats me like an apartment deweller. We never see each other, never talk for months at a time . We do live in the same house and thats it. He lives like a hermit and the last time I saw him he looked terrible like a home less person. I try to live my life sort of upbeat, try and stay away from our home, and associate with people I enjoy being with.

  10. 160
    lilbuddha69

    This is my own personal experience and not meant as advice or the truth on men or dating…just my life experience. First, at the age of 43, i am finding that men my age do not want anything more than to get it in. They only want an orifice, any orifice will do as long as its attached to a woman. She , the human being, does not matter. I have also learned that they will say anything to get in your pants. Anything, especially all the thing we women want to hear. So the bottom line is this: he is never interested in you, only sex and if you put out for him in the hopes that he will stick around, then you are a fool.

    i have been on every pay and free dating site and have never met a man who wanted to date. If you press them hard enough, they will admit they just want to get it on, get it in and get going. I, personally, find sex without commitment nothing more than two strangers fumbling around like a bunch of boobs. She’s hoping he will call and he’s hoping to God she doesnt ask for his number. So knowing that i will never find a man who wants to commit , i no longer engage in sex. I have found that my life is 1000 times more fulfilling now that i am not fucking strangers and have found other things that are more enjoyable than sex with some moron I met on a dating site or in a bar.

  11. 161
    susan

    Amy – i’m sad for you. and remember that is NOT ABOUT YOU! it is his stuff. and you deserve so much more. congratulations that you have at least gone out and made a life for yourself. but even 45 years on it is not too late to experience that side of your life again.

  12. 162
    Ana

    The majority of men will tell you straight what they want out of life if you simply ask them up front. I always do on the first date so I don’t waste my time on someone who only wants to be friends (which usually means with benefits), and no possibility of commitment. The man I’m with now told me he doesn’t want to be in an intimate relationship unless it’s exclussive. He said just what I wanted to hear since I feel the same way too.

  13. 163
    Ana

    Just curious, but isn’t sex without love ultimately a psychological dead end? I’ve had sex just for fun with someone I barely knew but in the end, for me anyway, unless I had some feeling for the person that kind of sex wasn’t an enriching experience. I’m not saying that first time sex can’t be an awesome experience or even a moving experience, but usually that occurrs when you feel something for the person beyond mere attraction – which can happen on a first date. The guy I’m with now I initially turned down when he asked me for a date. But one day he did something that melted my heart and I’ve been crazy about him ever since. Weird, but it was almost like an empathy I felt towards him too. And the sex is a phenomenal transportative experience that I’ve just never got from a one night stand.

  14. 164
    Rhonda

    I haven’t read all of these! but thanks to the guy “CHANCE” and everything he wrote. Thank you! I am a 41 year old female that is a single nursing student now. I also have no children and am retired from the Navy after 20 years. Dating is extremely hard but finding love is important to me because I’d rather not end up alone in a retirement home, it would remind me of the ship (again) LOL Anywho, “Love is not sex but sex is part of love.” Your so right Chance it is so much more than that! the way a person treats you without getting something says how much they enjoy being around you. Thanks for reminding me before my date tomorrow! =D

  15. 165
    Clare

    Very good advice, Evan. And I’d like to add that, in my experience, when a guy is very interested in you, he will go out of his way to let you know that *before* you have sex. A guy who wants to make you his girlfriend wants you to know he’s interested in more than just sex with you before you sleep together. So I think his behaviour before and around the time of having sex should weigh in heavily on whether you decide to go for it.

    My boyfriend and I slept together after a week, but by then he had taken me on a couple of expensive dates and we had spent an entire long weekend of affection and companionship together, and he waited till the last night of the weekend, so that it didn’t feel like he was rushing me.

    In my experience, a guy who is only interested in sex won’t bother to build up an emotional connection first, and won’t show any interest in your feelings about where the relationship may be heading, and I think expectations after sex with such a man should be extremely low.

  16. 166
    TotallyLost

    This is all I’ve been finding lately, actually.  I’m 45 now and the men I’ve been meeting (from 40 – 55) all want sex by the third date … and I’m getting tired of it.  How do you get a commitment from a man if he’s pushing sex from the very start (and I’m not talking about marriage … I’m talking about the two of you only seeing and sleeping with each other)?  And even after they tell you they will drop the subject, they still push … to the point of taking you to a bar on a date rather than dinner (the original plan) when they’ve picked you up after work and know you haven’t had anything to eat … and they also know you rarely drink.  Yeah, I foiled this one … I ordered a bar burger and a coke instead of a beer!  And this one was a blind date through a friend rather than someone on a dating site.  I never thought I would actually come to this belief … I’ve wanted to believe that there were still good men out there … but it seems that all I’ve been meeting lately are pigs!  It doesn’t matter whether you sleep with them or not … they still drop you.  I’m to the point where dating isn’t even worth my time!

    1. 166.1
      Lily

      You will get better at screening men through phone calls. But please drive yourself to the first meet. Don’t get in their car until you know and trust them.

      1. 166.1.1
        Julia

        I got into a car with my boyfriend when we first met. He’s the only man I ever met online who actually offered to pick me up. It was really thoughtful, set him apart from the rest and gave him the chance to tell me that any man who didn’t offer to pick me up didn’t deserve me.

        I think it was just a few weeks after Evan posted about letting a man pick you up. Truth is, women are more likely to be hurt by men we know, so we all take risks every day. Trust in a man and he will prove he’s worth that trust. 

  17. 167
    Blueberrie

    Seriously let’s just give up and get a house full of cats!!!
    I hate this topic more than anything, it is THEE most confusing thing…. EVER!!!

    and seriously it’s massively time consuming…. we could all be like genius’ if we put half the effort and thought that we do into this topic in quantum mechanics or soemthing and just get dildos. :)

    most men that I end up out with usually want you to committ to them after 2 or 3 dates which I mean I almost laugh at, that’s ridiculous and usually just so they can get laid.  then they throw a hissy fit if you say something like that’s a little fast, maybe we should get to know each other better… at which point they either never call again or they call ALL the time or they move you to texting, email, or phone conversations and dont take you out again until they think they’ve put in their “time” and then do ask you out again and if you dare go, they typically expect the sex.    My FAVOURITE are the guys who suggest that you have trust or committment issues because you are unwilling to committ to them (meaning give the sex) after a couple of dates…  i call those guys sore losers. 

      I have to laugh at this one guy’s approach…. he had this whole time line set out (he was also sure to tell me from the very start that he was not a douche bag).  So I listened… So the time line was he would wait the standard 3 months before sex or committment but would only take me out every 3 weeks to very nice restaurants where he proceeded to do all the talking rarely asking anythiing of myself… he never contacted me during the 3 week breaks to talk at all, he was a good looking guy and great to kiss but hell no I wasn’t going to sleep with him after hearing that time line thing or the fact that I think I could have been from Mars and he wouldn’t have known because he never bothered to ask me anything - essentally 4 dates in 3 months…. I very much enjoyed the expensive dinners he paid for and the kissing and promptly dumped him after the 3 months.  omg he was so arrogant!!!  he told me he wanted his money back from the dinners :)  he actually kinda chased me for a while after that… i never gave in lol

    i get that guys love sex, omg I love sex too (with the right partner and wow that’s a whole other topic), but I think the thing with women is, we don’t want to sleep with a guy unless we have feelings for him, unless we see him as a potential boyfriend, husband, long term relationship prospect.  So if we do sleep with them because we see them as possibly this and then they ditch us because all they wanted was sex, it’s kinda devastating and YES it affects the way we feel about the next guy and about ourselves.   Men want love too, I know that but somehow it’s this sort of pure girl love or where you can be their sort of dare I say it…. mothers?  we aren’t all pure girls and we don’t all want to be your freakin mothers and honestly we hate this game and that’s why we often choose cats and dildos over you!  (actually the dildos because of the whole lousy sex thing :)  

    I agree with Evan, wait until you know if he wants you or sex.  In the long run it’s just easier than all the time you’ll waste feeling like crap if you do it with him and he ditches you.  And I like one girl’s comment in here about getting good at being alone, just be alone for awhile, prepare yourself to be alone until you find someone who is right for you, it’s just way less hassle than being in the wrong relationship or getting used.   that’s my opinion anyway, everyone is looking for different things.   I just want someone I can TRUST, be good friends with as well as a lover – much harder to find than you’d think!

  18. 168
    margarita

    Evan,

    Thank you so much for sharing this!!!

    I’ve been wondering if I had done the right thing but after reading this article it put my mind at ease. I went out with this guy who seemed really cool. We went out 5 times over the course of almost two months but we didn’t speak every day, etc. He seemed very cool and romantic and even introduced me to his bother, close friends and two kids on our 4th date. I was under impression that this was turning into a relationship. Then after that date (we made out for like 2 hours)  he told me that he can’t decide if he wants a woman to be his girlfriend until he sleeps with her. 

    I was kind of shocked and disappointed hearing this after hanging with his family and kids. On our 5th date the subject came up again at which point I asked him if this was going to be an exclusive relationship and at first he said I was his girl, but when I asked again he freaked out and said that he can’t make that determination until he sleeps with me many times. 

    I’m still confused as I thought he really liked me.

  19. 169
    marymary

    margarita
    i think it’s a bit nutty to introduce a virtual stranger to your kids and family. it’s irresponsible to your date and to your kids.  while you may be thinking HE REALLY LIKES ME, the kids are thinking, “another one of daddy’s pretty friends”!

    as for when to have sex:
    1. when you don’t care if you’ll hear from them again
    2. when you do care and are sure that you will
    and
    3. when you don’t need to have sex to prove to anyone, least of all yoruself, that you’re attractive, worthwhile, sexy etc.

    Personally, I will wait until I am married.  That’s not a foolproof strategy either, cos there’s the danger of getting married just to have sex!
    Sooo, however long you wait or don’t wait, be observant of what is going on with yourself, with him and the relationship, rather than follow a formula.  However, there is, overall, no harm in waiting a little longer than you have been if you’ve been dating a while and finding it’s not working out.  Give yourself and him time to make a genuine emotional connection.  That can’t be rushed and no grand gesture and fancy words can shortcut just spending time with someone.
    And if he bails after three date or whatever, wave him goodbye. that’s not the man you want for keeps anyway. And to all the men who think that’s ridiculous, what will you be teaching your daughters?

  20. 170
    mitcoes

    Usually, at least in my environment, a man do not consider a woman his girlfriend after he makes love several times to her and likes it.

    Making love may be a dealbreaker if it is not satisfactory after one or 2 months, but not making love is a dealbraker.

    The best way of making the relationship solid, more if you are young is to become, at first, lovers, or friends with benefits, freedom is good, even if you do not practice it.

    if you are good lovers – good and frequent sex – you do not look for more, and if someday you are tempted is very difficult that one night stand sex to be better than a relationship sex, because you understand each other sexually experimenting.

    If you are a virgin, sex can begin with face kissing, and oral sex, you can wait until second encounter to have penetration, but if you are heterosexual, probably you will have several boyfriends, sometimes even two at the same time until you find your husband, and as much experience in sex and relationships you have you will be happier with your future husband.

    Do not put your standars for having fun sex at the same level you will do to look for your husband – more or less at every society at the same age -and today is not usual to marry your first lover.

    Lesbian porno is the best way to learn good sex for a virgin, men do like to be touched too as porno lesbian do more than hetero porno shows, remember it, slow kissing and touching with a hard final is the best sex for men and women, and oral sex before the last penetration is the best way to begin.

  21. 171
    rakel

    this makes me friggin’ depressed. I’m only 20 and debating if i should just have casual sex with some strangers just so they feel like becoming my bf or if i should remain a pure little virgin for the guy who probably won’t be a virgin. hmm, but then i think f*ck it. if a do fall in love and he *supposedly* is in love with me why should he friggin’ care?. i believe that “in this moment i love you. we all have pasts. but i’m choosing you from this moment on and forever so the rest is history. “

  22. 172
    blueberrie

    So I decided to not bed down with ANY guy unless he could prove to me that he was boyfriend potentially long term material…. one year later, still hadn’t had sex after MANY dates!! dated a nice guy for awhile until he admitted that he really just wanted sex from me, not a relationship, not so nice guy.
    Anyway, so at the one year mark I was pretty much losing my mind… then out of the blue I get a message from a guy i had gone on one date with years ago literally my first date after getting out of a long term relationship AND I had slept with him on the first date, heard from him once or twice after but never again. Thing is… on the date I honestly had feeling like this is a guy I could get serious about BUT I just got out of long term relationship soooo didn’t feel ready.
    Anyway, so here I am one year no sex and potential guy I actually REALLY liked has asked me out… well u know what happened… hours of talking and then hours of sex. and I only did it with the thought that he kinda ditched me once, I actually don’t expect to hear from him again…. surprise… he starts messaging me and kind of didn’t stop for a LONG time! meanwhile I’m freaking out cuz here I’ve slept with him and now I like him from all the messaging we’ve done and talking. Well that was a month and a half ago, still haven’t seen him again but he claims he’s just been reallllly busy work and family committments. I told him pretty much up front that that was a one time deal and I won’t repeat unless in an exclusive relationship… so far, no relationship at all.
    I can’t figure out if he likes me or not, my instinct would be to say no considering he hasn’t asked me out again but then I’m not sure because of all the messaging and opening up and his excuses re work and family committments. So I feel I’m in a catch 22. He says he doesn’t know about the whole committment thing and that right now we are “friends”, blames it on a couple of bad relationships, a divorce and says he’s not sure about putting his heart into anything… meanwhile I honestly feel like I’ve fallen for him quite a bit, just from all the talking (and of course knowing how compatible we are in the bedroom). however part of me wants to make a break for it because the more we talk the more into it I get and without him making an effort to “date” or even see each other, just feel it isn’t all that real…. ahhhh

  23. 173
    marymary

    blueberrie
    you’ve had casual sex with him twice.  In six weeks he hasn’t seen you.
    this is dead in the water.
    Nuke it.   

  24. 174
    Kathleen

    Blueberrie
    Sadly Marymary is right He’s not even your friend. Nuke it, learn from it and move on 
    If you are open to Evans advice, use it and you won’t be single for long At 54 Im smart enough to have learnt anything i can from his advice and I now have a boyfriend who adores me and is the most loving man Ive ever been with in my life. Learning about mirroring and concentrating on how he makes you feel will guide you Also loved Evans Why he disappeared book. Thank you Evan!
    Ive learn how I feel when Im not with the guy is the guide No wondering No anxiety No insecurity ….pure happiness.  My guy is cute, 10 years younger and committed. 
    Now I know the difference I won’t go back to guys who ends up making me feel bad
    Good luck with things going forward.
     
     
     
     

  25. 175
    Blueberrie

    MarryMary and Kathleen,
    I nuked it.  lol   I should have clarified, he DID try to see me on numerous occassions but he either wanted me to drive to his place which is about an hour drive which I refused to do or to go away with him on overnight business trips but in both cases it wasn’t a real date in a sense, to me it seemed mostly like him wanting a glorified booty call of sorts and I refused to do that, I just kept saying no or suggesting he do the date thing, come pick me up, go out for dinner etc etc.   He eventually got fed up with me saying no to his suggestions, got quite angry with me and then told me that really he’s just a lazy guy in relationships and not interested in doing the whole dating thing.   Said he doesn’t usually have to make much of an effort with girls.  So I could have been his little ms convenience and MAYBE it would have gone somewhere but I just didn’t want to, I guess I expected more of an effort.  and I figured if things did go somewhere it would always be me making the effort (been there done that not doing it again) thoughts?  we aren’t talking anymore.  

  26. 176
    Laney

    In my opinion, a woman shouldn’t have sex with a man until she is emotionally ready, and the man has displayed in his every action that he wants more tHan sex. Any man not willing to put in the effort to court a woman, make time for her, call her, and most of all wait for her, was never interested anyway and he will fall off there books. Seriously, being true to yourself, is about you as the woman, not the man.

  27. 177
    Michelle

    Blueberrie, you received great advice and I admire how you kept the focus on what YOU want/wanted.  He can do whatever he’s gonna do, he can go hang out with women who are ‘easier’ than you….that’s his business.  He’ll show up again some how, some way.  It’s up to you on how you will handle it, no need to be bitchy, this is just all not good enough for you. 

  28. 178
    ocroz

    As a woman, I just crack up at the ‘men are assholes’ comments I keep reading. Sure men can be assholes, but women can be conniving manipulative bitches. So which is worse?
    I don’t believe there is anything wrong with sex as long as there is no malice in it and no one is lying. Many women have strong sex drives as well, like me. But my heart is connected to my body, so I have taken Evan’s advice to heart and I make sure the guy is exclusive with me before we move on to sex. Otherwise, I certainly make sure I know the consequences if I don’t follow that advice.
    If a guy knows you want to be exclusive before moving toward sex, then he at least knows you are now just another ho. However, it doesn’t guarantee is he isn’t a lying bastard. You just have to be smart about it all.

  29. 179
    chemo

    the situation maybe abruptly different from one to another. However, we men are incline to judge easily. for example, if a woman gave it to early, and to be precise, the first time she meet the man. we tend to think she is easy, or more like she have done this a lot, and therefore, not worth the relationship commitment. it may sound cruel, but we keep the woman as life boat. when we find another woman, we sink her. men are reductive and instinctively look for the woman who is uphold values, and less plagued with drama and doubt. once the woman gives it easy as the example above, i advise woman to only considered it as strictly sexual and it is a one night thing. otherwise, the emotional consequence will be severe. 
    the woman will be lip passed from one man to another, as its a trophy they acquired. blaming the man is obvious, but we have to remember, it is an instinctive response, and he will always doubt her. this is common around you women and men. young men can be described as predators, in another words, they play games that fit their situations. when a woman eyes flirt the man. he knows immediately, she is easy and a possible prey. therefore, he plays the hard  to get. leading the woman to be interested more, and here , she falls for the trap. whether the man have something else in mind, it will always end up bad. no matter what directions you look at. if the woman did not consider it as a one night stand and avoid the possiblity of getting to know each other after the sex. she should be fine. but once she opens the door for the man after the sex, that is a different story, she is probably already a ring in his finger. he already figured out how to get her into her bed, whether he is handsome, strong, interesting story or funny. he will always get what he wants. 
    woman may argue this differently, that he cannot have it unless they agree. yes, thats absolutely true, but remember he figured out how to get into your pants, and even if you thought you are the one who made the move. 
    the advise, do not sleep with men unless you are pretty sure about it. if the situation of first encounter let to sex afterward. then do not even think about knowing him intimately. been friends is possible, but every possible scenario where you sleep with him again, should be thrown out of the windows. or you will be hurt severely. society is harsh, especially if the community is small such as college. once the woman makes that mistake, she will be labeled as the slut, and as the easy one. I have witnessed many of my friends, fallen for that trap.

  30. 180
    Jeff

    The most common source of problems in marriages is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.
    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.
    1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.
    2. To accept her as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her.
    3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
    4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.
    If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a beautiful and mutually satisfying experience.
    If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older. If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.
    Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College.

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