When Should a Woman Have Sex With a Man?

The end of Wednesday’s blog post brought up a very important topic; perhaps the most common question I get asked by women whenever I give a speech:

Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

How do you know when it’s okay to sleep with a guy?

I discussed this back in March, but most of you weren’t reading then. So forgive me for recycling, but my views haven’t changed, and you definitely want to get in on this discussion…

No doubt about it: The first time a woman beds down with a guy she’s crazy about is an exciting and special time. Still, the question remains: When? Well, it depends. Some women are happy to get down to business the night they meet; others will wait weeks or months before doing the deed. Whatever a woman’s decision, we had to wonder: Does the double standard still exist today? In other words, if a woman knocks boots with a guy too soon, does she automatically nix her chances for long-term love—or is that old-fashioned nonsense in today’s modern-day dating scene? To find out, we grilled three women about the ups and downs of when they get down to business… and what they said may surprise you.

My two cents on the whole thing?

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex. They’re particularly stuck on the idea that if a woman hops into bed with them quickly then she must have done this with lots of other men as well. This lowers her value in his eyes. After all, if everyone can have her, she can’t be all that special, can she?

On the other hand, I also know from personal experience that if a guy is crazy about a girl, and they move really fast, all the rules go out the window. In fact, this is the way MOST of my relationships have started. But then, I’ve always been determined not to be hypocritical when a woman has the same lack of morals I do. I love women with loose morals.

Men are sexual hypocrites. They push women for sex, then blame them for having sex.

The sex question is a popular one because it comes up in every dating situation. However, there’s no set timetable or finite number of dates that will let you know when it’s time to give it up. I know one woman who was told by an “expert” to wait 10 dates before sleeping with the man she was dating. The guy dumped her her after 7. … That’s what you get for playing by a made-up set of rules. Sex isn’t something you “allow” him to do. It’s something that you share and create together. Turn sex into a reward for good behavior and time put-in and you’re missing the entire point.

As a woman, your job is not to come up with an arbitrary number of dates, like the U.S. coming up with a pull out date for our soldiers in Iraq. Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

I repeat: Your sole responsibility before having sex is to figure out if he’s interested in YOU or in SEX.

If you don’t know the answer, don’t have sex. If you think you know the answer, then have sex. And if you can’t handle the emotional consequences of making an occasional mistake, you probably shouldn’t sleep with anyone until you’re in a committed relationship.

This has been my personal policy for the past three years – no committed relationship, no sex – and it’s worked very well for me.

What are YOUR thoughts? Men, I want to hear from you, as well…


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  1. 181
    Katarina Phang

    As I said it in my recent blog post, I think When you ask yourself: should I put out?  The question should be rephrased to: DO I WANT TO and FOR WHAT REASONS, and CAN I BE OKAY WITH WHATEVER OUTCOME I MIGHT GET OUT OF THIS?

  2. 182

    Women the only time it is ok to have sex with a man is when YOU want to have sex with him. no arbitrary amount of time. Not when you think he is commited to you , or loves you , or will stay with you. If you only have sex with someone when you want to , because you want to , then you cant be used by him for sex , or hurt by him from sex.  
    it is very hard to find someone who you believe is the one you want to spend your life with. When you start your search with worrying about how long to wait for sex , or how many people have they had sex with , you dont start with the most important thing. What kind of person they. Is this person someone who believes in the things i do. Values the things i do. wants the things i do. 
    it is mostly true that men look for sex and find love. that is because sex is fun , much easier to find , and much less likely to hurt us if we dont find it than love is. Love is very hard to find and hurts very much when it does not work out. men want sex with all women , but we only want love with the right women. sex is easy and comes quickly in a relationship. Love is hard and takes time. If things dont work out you can still remember the good sex. you cant remember the good love with a broken heart. 

  3. 183

    In the movies there are less than 90 minutes to create a story, climax, and go home.
    In life you have hopefully 90 years, to create a story, climax and stay home.
    Every experience you have or allow, you will always carry with you.  Be careful with the story you write, maybe the old cliche of writing the last sentence first can serve you well.
    I don’t like computer viruses, I have protection.  I don’t drink and drive, I have a savings account.  I have an emergency/insurance plan in case of fire, flood, etc… I have a clear understanding of BEcause – Effect.
    Last time I wasn’t up on my information, I screwed myself over on the stock market.
    So, when out on the “meet” market.  I’d prefer to have full disclosure before entering the UFO. “Unidentified Fuking Offer”

  4. 184

    Q: When should a woman have sex with a man?
    A: When she is horny. When she wants it. When she thinks he will make her come.

    What the heck. Sex is not powerplay, it’s to enjoy for both people involved.

  5. 185

    Ah, the scarcity model: the sole purpose of knowing when to have sex shouldn’t be about whether he’s into YOU or just SEX. (Sure, consider it.)

    How about the sole purpose is: whether or not you’d like to have sex with that person?

    1. 185.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      Try “the practical model”, Lauren. I could care less who sleeps with whom and when. But if you look around, you’ll discover that there are a LOT of women who sleep with men and then freak out because they don’t know where they stand. “Is he going to call? Is he just texting? Does he want to commit? Is he seeing other women? What is he thinking?” My advice to these women is not to have sex until you’ve established a monogamous relationship. If YOU want to fuck a guy and can handle the consequences of him never calling again, then, by all means, fuck away.

    2. 185.2

      “How about the sole purpose is: whether or not you’d like to have sex with that person?”

      Well, I agree with EMK’s response but would like to add, I don’t KNOW if I would like have sex with that person, UNLESS I know wher I stand and how they feel about me.

      An analogy would be I see something in the grocery store, that LOOKS like something I might like to eat. It looks like some yummy sweet desert, and my mouth is now watering. The packaging says “low cal” or “low fat”. But on closer examination I see that that is low cal and low fat because it has all kinds of crappy artificial ingredients in it, that I have NO DESIRE to put in my body, no matter how delicious it might taste. So I put it back on the shelf.

      I might decide to buy the ingredients to make my own healthy version of a dessert, it takes a little longer, it’s a little more work, but then I know EXACTLY what I’m getting, and not only will it taste good, but I’m NOT filling my body with crap.

      So even if I am initially attracted to a guy, and his profile says all this wonderful stuff, and he makes my mouth water. (well you know what I mean) I’m not going to hop in the sack with him until he reveals himself through his actions. I just recently had an experience with a guy who’s profile said he was a non-smoker, and he was looking for a relationship. I met him in person and I was VERY attracted to him. We kissed good night and I thought I smelled the faint smell of smoke. I said nothing and went back to check his profile (some men will change their status to non smoker, before they contact me, then change it to “occasional smoker” after we meet.) Well, I went and re-checked his profile and it still said non-smoker, but THEN I noticed his height was listed as 6 feet. I am 5’3″, I was wearing 3 inch heels and he was about a half inch taller than me. Do the math, NO WAY was he 6 feet.

      At that point, I figured if he lied about his height, he probably lied about being a smoker, and since he asked me for a second “date” of coming over to his place to drink wine in front of his fireplace, I figured he lied about wanting a relationship too.
      My initial attraction to him faded when I saw how dishonest he was.

      So glad I read the label on THAT package.

  6. 186

    I’m really glad I was curious and looked this up. I’m dating this guy now. Today is like 4 days together. Last night we slept side by side and of course we cuddled, etc. It did escalate here and there. Just, the way he kisses and touches me, it’s reallyyyy hard to say no. I’ve never felt so much spark before. Muchless had someone actually adores me for me.

    Anyway, before we got together. When he was still a stranger. I hit him up for sex. I have needs and I’ve been single for awhile. We did see eachother that day I asked to see him, but instead of having sex, we just hung out. A couple weeks passed before we started dating, we were courting eachother; and not once, has the subject of sex came up.

    I’m just thinking, since things did escalate pretty hard last night. Next time it does, it’ll be THAT more intense to where I can’t stop him like I did last night. And yes I stopped him several times. Not a word was said, he never sighed or grunted in aggravation, he’d just lay back down beside me and act like nothing happened.
    It feels a little soon for me. Like I don’t exactly wanna be like “yeah we dated 4 days, then went all the way” that doesn’t look good. I just don’t want him to lose intrest either if I give it up too quickly that’s why I’ve been putting it off, mostly. (Also because it doesn’t feel appropriate right now) Everything feels perfect but I don’t want to screw it up by not saying no when I should’ve.

  7. 187
    Desert Mermaid

    Wow!  My ex and I divorced nine months ago. We have had sporadic contact since our divorce. Yes. We had “toyed” with the idea of reconciliation during the nine months since our divorce but I feel we are afraid and don’t trust one another. The longest stretch of not having any contact on his end was five months.  In the interim I had been sending email messages without any responses. When he got in touch with me I asked him had he received my messages. He responded that he had my messages automatically added to his email “trash” folder. I also asked him during a casual early dinner meeting if he was interested in reconciliation and his response was “In my heart yes, but . . . .” He never completed the statement. He shared he was dating on line. He shared that the women he had dated well . . . There was no “Chemistry” sexually. I discovered he has been online dating and having casual sex. Yet, when i kater read his online dating profile he goes into great depth about being a deeply moral man. As Marc mentions in his article, men are sexual hypocrites.My ex also shared his disappointments with dating. We continued to stay in contact while expressing my desire to reconcile. We went on a couple of dates and after I arrived home he expressed he thought I would invite him over. I had mixed feelings because I still love him and expressed it to; him reciprocated.. But I keep my boundaries even with my missed up emotions. I finally had to tell him unless we are dating exclusively and on the road to reconciliation I felt it was in my best interest to not get physically intimate with him. Besides, I had not seen him face-to-face in eight months. I had emailed him and never received a response so I wrote a personal hand written letter. About four days letter I received the nastiest email message when I opened my email box at work about I’m trying to pressure him, and to let his God continue to work on him. And that i was “trying to hard ” my response was that I could not continue to do the same things I had done in the past (name up sex) because jumping into a casual sexual relationship would not work for me or be in my best interest without knowing where I’m heading. And if expressions of love is what you fear something is not right since I’ve know you for over four years something dies not seem right. We should fear hate and indifference. Bottom line I believe he wanted me for a one night stand to get through his dry spell while dating on line. Yes. We has intense sexual “chemistry” when we were dating and while married but the chemistry began to fizzle out after two years into our marriage when real life and conflicts began to hit us; the second stage of our marriage – the Power Struggle stage. 

  8. 188

    He was ready after five weeks. I wasn’t. So he left :( I really liked him. He thought I was wasting his time. I really wasn’t. I liked him but I wasn’t going to have sex until I felt ready And instead of him to have that conversation with me he avoided it, sent me a text about ME  not being interested in HIM and didn’t answer my phone call when I tried to call him. 
    You know after typing this out I see that he was an under cover douchebag. I’m a very attractive lady and I guess he thought I’d be an easy lay. I did like him. O WELL

    1. 188.1

      Sounds like he did you a favor. 

  9. 189

    Back in the 60’s when we were married you only had sex after you were married. So you never really know who you have. The guy I married was a disappointment ! He didn’t  (HATED) sex and every thing that went with it. He tried on our wedding night and IT   made him want to throw up. I was told that I was disgusting and vile, he wanted nothing to do with sex and couldn’t understand how anyone could lower them selve  to do some thing so disgusting. So were still married my mistake 46 years and no nothing from him. He’s lived in our basement and worked midnights all these years. To old to care any more about each other when my life ends I will be so happy.

  10. 190

    I’ve had men tell me they want to have a committed relationship just to have sex with me. So, keep in mind that doesn’t always work.  

  11. 191
    S L

    It seems every time a girl likes me, she wants to have sex the first day we meet.  And I don’t feel ready.  Both times the girl hated me for this.  I didn’t even have a chance to date them.  I keep in contact with the girls for years.  They seem more interested than one night stands.  Is it okay for a girl to reject men for not have sex on the first day.  One sent me to her psychiatrist.  I almost broke down talking about this to someone the other day.  I just want to know if I really need to have sex on the first day if a woman wants it?  I am actually a virgin.  But they don’t know.

  12. 192

    Yes I agree with that. If you feel confident that a guy likes you for more than just sex and you feel ready to handle whatever outcome go for it. It varies from individual to individual because some women have had experiences in the past of bad judgement so some can tell a little bit faster than others. It really has to do with reclaiming your power, knowing yourself and what you can handle.

  13. 193

    It seems in the comments I read the perspective is about ‘How the guy feels about you?’ vs. ‘How you feel about yourself?’.  I think the question is ‘How you do you feel about letting somebody inside of you literally and emotionally?’ Sometimes as a woman you just want to connect and have great sex.  Other times you want a deeper connecting relationship and want to be able to get to know the character of the man. If I take a slower route, (everything except penetration) I have time to understand how I feel about the man. Rather than connecting falsely via Oxytocin bonding and putting an unworthy man’s character traits aside because I have prematurely bonded emotionally via intercourse. I have deft put unworthy men on a pedestal because I have physically bonded before I got to know their true character. It isn’t a game of how men feel and judge you, as much as it is on how you feel and judge yourself, your needs and emotional well being! You are worthy of what you are looking for and that should be your goal to asses above and beyond how he feels. 

    1. 193.1

      If he doesn’t return your feelings, then how you feel about him and yourself are moot.

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