When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?

When Should I Have Sex With Him For the First Time?
In the latest “Water is wet; News at 11″ report, the Journal of Sex Research reports that – get this – having sex too early in a relationship is a bad idea. Shocking, I know.

And before thou dost protest too much because you’re the happily married woman who hopped into bed and are still in love 30 years later?

Chill. You’re the exception. Here’s the rule:

“Investigators surveyed roughly 11,000 people on when a couple first got frisky. Compared to couples who had sex before they started dating or during the first three weeks of their relationship, those who waited actually rated their current relationship as more satisfying and more stable. They also reported greater levels of positive communication.”

“Sexclusivity”: don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend.

You mean fucking an attractive stranger you’ve known for 3 hours and hoping that you’re compatible in the long run is a bad idea? REALLY?

“There is compelling evidence that waiting to have sex until later in the relationship is associated with better relationship dynamics and outcomes,” says study co-author Brian Willoughby, PhD, an associate professor in the School of Family Life at Brigham Young University.

This isn’t just conservative Mormon B.S. This correlates with what you know from reality. He sleeps with you on the first date. You think it means he likes you or wants to be your boyfriend. In fact, all it means is that he wanted to have sex with you. He’ll figure out in a few weeks or months whether he actually likes you enough to commit to you. But why is sex too early so dangerous? According to the article:

Not surprisingly, having sex creates powerful emotional bonds. If those bonds are forged too early, they may saddle a relationship with baggage that can complicate the partnership before both partners are ready, Willoughby theorizes. Having sex sooner might also compell us to stay in relationships that we know aren’t built to last, the study suggests.

Finally, “women who delay sex are more driven to invest in their relationships,” says one researcher, adding that the research results were consistent across age groups, races, and religious affiliations.

The word I’ve coined for this is “sexclusivity”. Don’t sleep with a guy until he’s your boyfriend. Wait a month or so before you do so. And if/when you do finally have sex, you are guaranteed that it’ll be with a guy who you like, trust, and know enough to be worthy of commitment – as opposed to letting lust take over and then keeping your fingers crossed.

Read the article here and please, share your thoughts below.

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Comments:

  1. 61
    Sparkling Emerald

    JB 61 said
    “I have no problem enjoying the “dating process” and waiting a bit even if it’s with a woman I have no long term interest in because I know I have to take what I can get or I’ll be celibate. ”
    —————
    If the woman asks, do you honestly tell her that you have no long term interest ? Do you tell her up front before she asks ?  Does your dating profile say that you are looking for a relationship, looking to date but nothing casual, or do you just not say.
     
    Inquiring minds want to know . . .
    Also, your comment about women only like “casual” in regards to “dress code” made me LOL.

  2. 62
    Sparkling Emerald

    Karl S 57
    Yes, I noticed the word ONLY, but your example of married people can “f***” vs making love, I slightly disagree with. Married women may just feel more free after marriage to get down and dirty in the bedroom, let out their kinky side, go for a no-frills quickie, BUT, even if that particular act of sex is more f***-like than love making, it is still in the overall context of a loving committed relationship. Even couples who get dressed up, go out to a bar, pretend to be strangers randomly hooking up, you could say they are just having a non-committed f***, but in reality, they are a loving committed couple having a bit of fun with role playing.

    I know other people have different sexual needs, or will settle for love-less sex on their journey for the real thing, and I don’t pass judgement on them. I thinking using words like “foolish” towards women who rather remain celibate until they find a real relationship is being judgemental.

  3. 63
    Shmilla

    I love Evan’s work. He helped me find the absolute love of my life, who is at this moment making me breakfast while I am still in bed. We’ve been dating 5 months and exclusive 4 of those months. We haven’t had sex. He was used to casual relationships and I was used to my own Biblical morality, so when we first started dating I said I wanted to wait until I was married. He knew from the beginning and I  knew things about him from the beginning and we each kept coming back.
    Yes, sex is a huge part of a relationship, but only a part. I think if you meet the right person, respect each other, respect yourself, you can’t lose no matter what. I could have had sex with him in the first hour we met, but I would have had to wait longer to learn about a lot of the amazing things about him that I know now. He told me that I make him feel safe and I love him unconditionally, that he can’t lose with me. He’s right; I am on his side. But we are still getting to know each other. Who knows what will happen?
    When it comes to what other people do in or out of the bedroom, I guess I just tend to my own garden. I have an amazing friend who writes a blog about healthy sexuality and has had hundreds of sex partners, which works for her. She’s asked me to guest blog about celibacy, which works for me. There’s a spectrum and place for everyone on it. 
    And I have to go eat brunch now.

  4. 64
    Morris

    @JP #61 – and I know someone who lived to 90 and he use to drink, smoke and sit on the couch all day. But my advice to people who want to live long is to not drink, smoke and sit on the couch all day. The point was you can weed out players by waiting on having sex. There isn’t much a woman can do about a guy willing to wine and dine a woman for 8 weeks just to get some.

    1. 64.1
      Andy

      I understand your idea, but the fact that a man (or a woman) wants to have sex early in the relationship doesn’t necesarily mean that he (or she) is a player.
      I’ve mostly had long term relationships and I didn’t wait 8 weeks.

  5. 65
    Rose

    Sparkling Emarald.
    Love what you say.
    Especially this
    “I hope the young girls of today get this message loud and clear.  There is NOTHING wrong with waiting until the relationship is where you want it to be emotionally.  It is WISE and NOT foolish.”
    As do I and intend to put an action in place to turn that hope into a reality.

  6. 66
    Karl S

    I think there’s been a bit of confusion as to the implications of my statement in post #49. I was talking about how sex is defined, as in how narrow one’s mindset over what sex be is. There’s a difference between somebody who acknowledges the spectrum of sex for different people and then chooses to wait for deeply committed love, and a person who insists sex is only about deeply committed love and that anything else is abhorrent.

  7. 67
    Jennifer

    My hope is that young girls feel free to conduct their sexual lives in the waythat works best for them, individually. And my hope is that older generations of women allow them to make those choices without judgment or pressure,  and recognize that every woman that chooses to have ‘casual’ sex, whether once or dozens of times, is not a lost soul having a sad, meaningless existence.

  8. 68
    JB

    @Sparkling Emerald #63 – I don’t say anything unless they bring it up then I’ll honestly say how I feel about them. Occasionally after a few dates I’ll offer “I usually only date one woman at a time” which is true although occasionally there might be a little overlap but rarely. As far as what my profile says? It says at the end and I quote “Let’s take our time and get know each other, spend some time together, and see how it goes. If it turns into a relationship that’s great! If not it’s always great meeting new and interesting people. I’m looking for quality not quantity.”
    So you can take it any way you want. I don’t say “If it turns into a relationship that’s great if not and we’ve already had sex too bad for you”…..LOL These are grown women over 40 I’m dealing with here. Most are intelligent enough to say what’s on their mind before anything physical happens if they care to.
    @Morris #66 – 8 weeks isn’t that long and it’s not like I’m shaking hands good night on the 5th date or anything…lol If things aren’t “progressing” accordingly to both our comfort zones it would obviously end before then. Ask Evan…..I always have the option to not ask someone out again at anytime(ie:Disappearing) just like they have of not returning my call or accepting my invitation. It’s called “Dating”.

  9. 69
    Rose

    Jennifer, wanted to reiterate. What I already wrote.
    I feel annoyed when my words are not quoted accurately or out of context.
    It changes the whole meaning.
    These were my words.
    “I feel deeply sad hearing about others trying to fill a void by having casual sex.” I felt sad to hear of their emptiness trying to fill that void.” In response th what John wrote.
    “I feel deeply sad hearing about others trying to fill a void by having casual sex.The void will not ever be filled that way, just a temporary addictive fix. Lost souls wondering around.”
    John.
    “He may like you enough to wait, but dont be oblivious to the fact there is a good chance some other lady is filling the void you aren’t providing.”
     
    At no time did I write “a lost soul having a sad, meaningless existence.”
    Those are your words twisting my words and my meaning.
    I don’t want to fill a void for any man who has a void to fill. And wouldn’t want to encourage any other female to be the one filling a void. Would respect their right to choose to do that if that is what they wanted and thought was right for them however. I respect everyones right to chose to chose when given a fully informed choice.
    Just as I respect others right to choose hard drugs, whatever religion they want to follow, etc etc.
    Have written more than once now.
    “If that is what others want to do is up to them and to decide if it is right for them just not right for me or what I want.”
    Feels best to leave it with that final comment now.

  10. 70
    Rose

     
    Evan.
    Feels interesting how someone comes to the conclusion from their perspective and their interpretation,taking one part of said whilst disregarding the rest, for instance. quoted below.
    “If that is what others want to do is up to them and to decide if it is right for them just not right for me or what I want.”
    That in their opinion I am intolerant.
    As Intolerant refers to an active refusal to allow others to have or put into practice beliefs different from one’s own.
    If you believe and think I am actively refusing to allow others to put into practice having casual sex. Then that is your belief and who am I to argue.
    So feels best to agree to disagree with your belief on my intolerance.

  11. 71
    starthrower68

    @ Jennifer 69,
    It’s a good thing I’m only the mother of one young girl because that isn’t what she’s going to be taught and I’m certainly not setting a merry divorcee example for her either.
     

  12. 72
    Tina

    JB 61 said:
    “…I usually only date one woman at a time but that doesn’t mean they’re my “girlfriend” so in theory I am monogamous during that short period….”
     
    LOL, i’m sorry. So you hit women for short period and at the same time you send emails to theNext.

  13. 73
    Valid Question

    I’m reading conflicting information here that I’d like to get cleared up.
     
    The majority of blog posts are advising women to wait until you get “exclusive” before having sex.  Yet, there have been statements stating that men won’t often commit until they have sex.
    I’m not advocating having sex as soon as the hormones start raging, but sexual compatibility (as long we are compatible on the non negotiables)is an important factor for me to when it comes to deciding whether I will commit to an exclusive relationship with a man.
    So what is it?

  14. 74
    Steve

    If I am able to divorce and date again, I want a woman who puts me off from the heavy stuff until we are both fully committed and 100% exclusive.

    Unfortunately my dating prime was in my 20 – 22 year old years. Most of the time the women I dated slept with me early on, we either became “exclusive” or I naively thought it meant something more. 
    Where i say “exclusive” I mean they stated that we were, and called me their boyfriend, but 2/3 girlfriend cheated, and the one became my multiple cheating spouse. 
    Since I have the experience of knowing what I need, I now know that a (for sake of argument MANY)woman that will have sex with me fast will also be fast and careless with cheating. 

    So I would say make them wait until there is a relationship. After that, go for it.

  15. 75
    Rose

    Me neither Jennifer. Who’s setting a merry divorce example? I personally do not know anyone who does that? and is not something I have seen or heard of Is that your experience?

  16. 76
    Joe

    Rose, how do you know people who have casual sex, a) have a void, and b) that it’s casual sex they’re using to fill that void?  Sounds a little presumptuous on your part.

  17. 77
    JB

    @Tina 74 – I don’t “hit” women but yes occasionally while I’m sleeping with them I still may be emailing other women that might be more what I’m looking for long term. If I find someone who I feel fits what I’m looking for for a relationship (which is rare) I will act accordingly and play it that way. In the meantime………… life goes on. Actually I did meet someone like that about a year ago. After one meet & greet with me and 2 others she picked one of them took her profile down and lived happily ever after. She was on Match less than 2 weeks.

  18. 78
    starthrower68

    @ Rose #77, 
    That was me commenting on Jennifer’s remark that it’s sad when young girls don’t feel comfortable with their sexuality.  My young daughter doesn’t need to concern herself with that and when she is out from under my roof I won’t be able to do anything about it. Until then, promiscuity is not an example set in my home.  If that makes me hateful and intolerant than so be it.  

  19. 79
    Cat5

    Joe @ 78 – maybe it is a presumption on Rose’s part, but it’s probably an accurate presumption with respect to a significant percentage of the population engaging in casual sex.  All you have to do is truly listen to what people having casual sex are saying about it, sex, and other parts of their lives, and it is obvious.  (DISCLAIMER:  Please note I did not say everyone; I said a significant percentage of the population engaging casual sex.)
     
    JB @79 – seriously…a year ago she met three guys, choose one, took down her profile, and lived happily ever after?  How long do you think happily ever after lasts?  Have some perspective.  IMHO after less than a year with someone, I don’t think that statement can be made.  In fact, statistically speaking it goes against her living happily ever after.  Let’s see where she and this guy are in about 60 years.  If they are still together, then it would seem appropriate to say happily ever after.

  20. 80
    Rose

    Joe.
    It feels rather tiresome when other people make up stuff about what I actually wrote. I accept I have no control over that. Just feels tiresome and been as I want to feel energized, this is the last time I am going to comment on this point.
    When men say things like fill a void like JOHN did I make NO  PRESUMPTION, I take the words REAL meanings and respond accordingly. MY response, my feelings were “I feel deeply sad hearing about others trying to fill a void by having casual sex.
    Salient words here being HEARING, so not presuming. and OTHERS! Others and everyone have two different meanings that is why the English language has two different words for these things. If I has meant everyone I would have used that word and not have used the word OTHERS.
    If  other people tell me they feel lonely and go looking for sex to fill the void of their loneliness then again I take it as it is.
    So some people do this. I NEVER stated everyone.
    Then many other men have told me when younger it was plain and simple raging hormones and they pretty much would f8888888cck any woman just for hormonal release  if they were able to get some girl to agree to that rather than masturbate. And had no interest in that particular women, were just after a shaaaag. Not a girlfriend etc..
     
     

  21. 81
    Sarah

    I always think its weird to put constraints on when you can have sex. If it feels right and you’re careful about STDs etc then go with it! My BF and I had sex on our first date, but our first date lasted an entire weekend and I had spent about 28 hours with him straight before having sex. But technically I only knew him for a day… I guess it doesn’t take me an inordinate amount of time to get to know someone’s general character. If we hadn’t had sex though and he had found out later it was just because I have a preordained amount of time that has to pass first he may have left me.. you never know whats going to happen with relationships. Of course, if you DONT feel ready and its doesn’t feel right then yeah, you should wait.

  22. 82
    Karmic Equation

    I think it’s safe to say that no woman wants a lousy lover. — Nor men either, but I think men are less judgmental about this because of their biology – There’s a joke by a male comedian “When sex is good it’s pretty good; when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good!” — Not so for women :7

    Do you think he became a great lover in a vacuum? He just woke up magically one day with exemplary Don Juan skills? Would you REALLY rather that he gained those wonderful skills having been in ONLY “deeply committed relationships that were transcendent” than that he got those wonderful skills in less than ideal relationships with meaningless bimbos ;) ? Are you sure sex with YOU will transcend his prior transcendental experiences? You’re sure sex with you will be that good?

    Not sure about you other gals, but I know I’d rather believe that he DIDN’T have any meaningful relationships until I came along :) And that his sexual experience was gained with meaningless shags until I came along to help him understand what meaningful shags were all about. And I’d rather he knows what he’s doing than if I had to teach him.

  23. 83
    JB

    @Cat5 – Ummm I was being facetious with the “happily ever after” thing…lol she’s 48 and divorced twice so “statistically speaking” you’re right. I more meant she never came back on Match after the 2 weeks even though she originally signed up for 6 months. So yes, she’ll have to be with him for 40 or so more years for “ever after”. I’ll let you know WHEN(not if) she comes back on Match. :-)

  24. 84
    Julia

    @Karmic how strange that you hope he would have not had any meaningful relationships before you. Are you in your early 20s? I think its a strange fantasy to hope you are his first real relationship, just as strange as Rose’s hopes that she will meet a man with very few partners. We are all adults here. Look at your past (sexual/dating) and assume that any man you date will have a similar dating past than you based on how long he’s been on this earth. 
     
    We don’t live in a fairy tale gals and Prince Charming isn’t riding in on his white horse all we can hope and expect is a man that will care for us and treat us well for the rest of our lives.

  25. 86
    Sparkling Emerald

    Juilia – (IRT 86)   Didn’t you notice the little smiley face Karmic put after her remark about meaningful relationships ? 

  26. 87
    Joe

    @ Rose #82:
     
    It still sounds to me like you misunderstood what John was saying.  John was saying, in a nutshell, that even if you’re not putting out for a guy, some other probably girl is.

  27. 88
    Susan61

    @Steve #76
    If I am able to divorce and date again, I want a woman who puts me off from the heavy stuff until we are both fully committed and 100% exclusive.
    Steve, if this is what you want, why put the entire onus on the woman?  Certainly you’re at an age where you have better control of yourself so cannot you also play a role in delaying sex?  Do you have any responsibility in how quickly sex happens or do you, as an adult, also have the ability to “go slow” to “say No, not yet”? 
    I get tired of the woman (especially in the over 40 crowd, I’m over 50 – gasp) always being expected to have to control her sex drive when men are still allowed to plow full steam ahead.   Thus the woman usually ALWAYS takes the blame for the failure of the relationship depending on when sex happened, how soon it happened, how it did not happen fast enough, etc.  She’s too easy, she’s not a challenge, she doesn’t “respect” herself (as if she is dirty or damaged goods somehow, for being sexual/having sex).  Sigh.  Yes, I know, Evan teaches men are not going to change so women have to adapt but the fact remains, women are human beings and we have sex drives too!   Yet we are continually judged and punished for having sex drives (and this drive is primal and strong for many of us) and for having the gall to actually give into the drive every once in a while!
    I recently had a brief “thing” with a guy I met online.  He “disappeared” after five dates.  We did not have “sex” but we did everything else and for me, it was fun and I really liked him.  Oh well, he did not feel the same apparently.  Yet I still, at 51, had to worry that he would think “well, how many guys does she do that with?”  (Thanks “Still Looking” for letting me know that NOT ALL men think this way).  And I would never, ever think to judge him in the same way nor would he worry that I would judge him.
    I know the double standard will never go away and women just have to try to make our way but I am continually reminded that women will never be allowed full human being status in the sexual realm.  It is what it is.
    Ok, rant over. 
     
     
     
     
     
     
     

  28. 89
    Susan61

    OK, I just re-read Steve’s comment and I see he did say “until we are both fully committed” but it still says “puts me off” as if it is up to her to push him off of her and be the one to say NO.
     
    And I keep forgetting to double space between paragraphs!!

  29. 90
    Karmic Equation

    @Susan61

    Most men aren’t going to do turn down easy sex with an attractive woman. So “no not yet” is a ploy by a savvy player; or the guy is just not that into you; or maybe someone very religious. So you really probably DON’T want a “no, not yet” kind of guy.

    There’s no reason to control your sex drive. You’re 50+. Have fun. If you find a man attractive and he you. Then there’s no reason to not have sex UNLESS you need a relationship to go along with the sex. I would ask WHY do you want a relationship? If you can separate sex from relationship, you don’t have to control your sex drive at all.

    I’m sorry your guy disappeared. I know how excited you were about him. Here’s something you might consider. Did you mirror his level of excitement for you? If you were MORE excited about him than he you (and he could tell that), that could feel like desperation to him and that’s a turnoff. You have to control the excitement. He should know you like him, but not how much. The “how much” part you need to mirror. If you mirror him, and he wants you to be more excited, he’s going to show more excitement to you to get that from you.

    And when you say you did “everything else”, I’m going to assume oral sex was part of that. It’s really strange. I think a lot of men and women think that oral sex is “not really sex”. But I think oral sex, especially when a woman gives it, is MORE INTIMATE, and I think subservient, than vaginal sex. Frankly, I don’t think men deserve oral sex until he’s your bf.

    There are men out there who are just good for fun. Then there are men out there who are good partners. There’s nothing in the “rule book” that says you can’t have fun while looking for a good partner.

    Separate your need for a relationship from your sex drive and you won’t lament the double-standard. Just choose wisely. Wanting a relationship from the “fun” guy is heading for heartbreak. And wanting a relationship from the good partner guy would work if you don’t inadvertently do something that could turn him off. Early sex isn’t a turnoff to a good guy, but over-excitement, change of behavior after sex (e.g., possessiveness, future-talking), drama, etc., that’s what’s going to make a good guy leery and potentially scare him off.

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