Why Are Women Louder Than Men During Sex?

I saw this video on Andrew Sullivan’s blog on The Daily Beast and thought it was worth a share. The speaker is Christopher Ryan, author of “Sex at Dawn”, the seminal work, which explains the biological basis for human sexuality. The main finding of “Sex at Dawn” – and the most simplified take on it – is that humans are not, by nature, monogamous creatures.

I don’t know why that’s a big surprise, but, to some people, any information that doesn’t support what they want to believe is controversial.

In this video, Ryan talks about why women are louder during sex than men. Like in his book, he uses a lot of primate talk to explain this phenomenon as well. My logical take on it is simpler:

If a woman makes noise during sex, it signifies that a man is doing something right and should therefore keep doing it.

Women are louder during sex because they HAVE to be.

a) If a woman makes noise during sex, it signifies that a man is doing something right and should therefore keep doing it. Her moans and screams are therefore an act to maximize her own pleasure during sex.

b) If a woman doesn’t make ANY noise during sex, it signifies that a man is doing everything WRONG. In other words, a woman’s silence is the ultimate confidence killer in the bedroom. By letting your partner know he’s pleasing you, it provides him not only a roadmap to continue, but the confidence and joy of knowing that he’s a good lover. Refusal to make noise makes him feel all but impotent.

But then again, I’m just a dating coach, not a scientist. What are your thoughts? Do you feel pressure to make noise when it doesn’t come naturally? Is it odd when a man makes too much noise?

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Comments:

  1. 31
    emily

    For me, If I’m really enjoying the sex, I CAN’T  be quiet!

  2. 32
    Roxy

    If it feels good I can’t help but moan I can’t control it its natural for me. I tend to loose control of my body during the week of ovulation and a few days before AF it becomes intense almost like I’m high. Afterwards I’m dizzy and completely out of it yet I can not sleep it’s almost like I can’t move.

  3. 33
    James

    Some guys are really lucky to have a partner that moans and expresses pleasure during love making. My partner don’t make a single sound. I yearn for such expressions which will turn me on further but I don’t get it. I definitely don’t want anyone to scream or moan too loud and waking up the neighbours or in the other room but “sounds” of pleasure at different levels based on the pleasures received would be good.

    Being a guy, when pleasure heightens I say some dirty words, nothing loud and of course my breathing goes faster too. During love making I do that many times.

    All I can say, ladies….your partners are very lucky to have you , who moans and expresses pleasure during love making. Keep it up 🙂

     

     

  4. 34
    Rampiance

    I didn’t make sound at first ~~ I guess there was not much to make sounds about. But sounds are a natural expression of intensity!

    Regarding porn ~~ after I saw a porn film with a lover, I felt extremely self-conscious about sounds because I HATED THE FAKE SOUNDS on the porn film. I asked my lover if I sounded like that, too, and he said, “No” and that he liked my sounds. It took a while to let that film fade out of my head and get comfortable with myself again.

    I have recently been in situations lacking privacy where less sound or where silence is better. I have found that keeping the sound in actually intensifies the energy levels ~~ releasing sounds reduces intensity levels ~~ so my next experimentations are to balance these. Lucky that I’m with a man who is empathetic enough to feel my orgasms as they happen ~~ he doesn’t need sounds for guidance but he likes them anyway.

    He makes some sounds, and I like the breathing, grunts, and some of his talking because it all seems organic and natural from him.

    But if he asks me a question that needs an answer in words, it stops me cold. I’m at the pre-verbal level during intense sex, and I have to leave that level in order to use words again.

  5. 35
    Madrtuche

    This will not be popular, but evolution-wise you have to think of the traits we have as traits that were required to continue our human species.  That being the case women that were loud during sex attracted more males and thus gave more chances for reproduction.  This also explains why women last much longer than men.  Don’t get mad, we are animals first and foremost.

  6. 36
    Jessica

    I love the sound of my man working up to climax especially when he is on top. His breathing is deep and the sound he makes on exhaling is so darned sexy. I like to hear him as he reaches climax While diving into my neck kissing me. Afterwards is just as important. As much as men like us to be vocal during, I like that my man runs his hands and fingers through my hair, pushing it away fro my face over and over.

  7. 37
    karney

    I really, really love my gf to make noise during Sex because the more noise she makes, I get more excited and feel that she’s with me and that’s how she gets more of me too, yeah..

    As for my ex girl, she used to ask me to slap her jaw both ways, and that’s how she gets more feelings and me too. My current girl is so noisy to the extend we both remain ‘Cheerful’ after sex for each time we meet. oooo yea..my sweet babb,,

    I will always love girls who make noises during sex.

  8. 38
    sophy

    I always moarn till neighbours complains.Its enjoyable while in bed though have never heard my hubby make noise & when I ask him he says he uses alot of force in me wow! what a face answer

  9. 39
    focus jrn flatter

    As for me what I have experienced is that. Girls they enjoy sex than men. “why? Most of men once they release sperms, the impact or interest of prolonging doing sex at that moment decreased. but a girl can still need more sex and pleasure! Secondly; there are two ways which I know why girls make noise during sex.(1)That noise is for pain(2) other one is for sweetness of sex. Now on these two strucullar ways. can tell that you are doing the right thing while someone is making noise of pain? Some girls they do quite during sex, now it doesn’t mean that she don’t enjoy sex she do, she is just strong in doing it or maybe she is the one who has a problem of her muscles ok. Pleasure from sex doesn’t depend on how big penis you have for a girl to make any noise,its about how you enjoy the times the moment,the lady,and the environment. Mental and physical status is very important because if a girl she don’t set her minds that this is now sex nothing can come out of her, you ll just end up blaming men..

  10. 40
    focus jrn flatter

    Sophy. Does your man enjoy sex? coz it seems that you are the only one who enjoy it while on bed.

  11. 41
    KK

    Wow this is news to me, I thought everybody naturally made a little noise.  My BF said he liked to hear me, that way he knew he was making a difference.  But honestly, it just comes naturally,  nothing screaming wild, but enough that the guy knows he’s bringing pleasure…..unless maybe he’ not…..

  12. 42
    LouderTheBetter

    I can understand why some people think that making noise is fake. To me that just says that you’ve never experienced genuine honesty in sex.

    For me, noise during sex, alone or with someone, is a foregone conclusion, and it has nothing to do with porn (I find 99% of porn too stupifyingly dumb to waste time on). I literally cannot be quiet during sex, and I’ve tried many times. The more I try to inhibit any vocalizations, the less enjoyable the sex is for me, and it’s just about impossible for me to climax. And I’m never successful at being quiet, so what’s the point in trying?

    Although making noise is a great way to communicate with my partner, for me it’s secondary. I once had a bf who took She Comes First very seriously. He could easily spend an hour just making me orgasm before joining the pleasuring. He would make me orgasm for as long as it lasted, a few minutes usually, until I stopped making so much noise. Then after a few minutes of rest when I was ready, he’d start again. Without fail, each subsequent start resulted in more intense orgasms, bringing me to the point of screaming. He loved it, and would only stop when I was exhausted and couldn’t take the intensity anymore. And when he’d join me, he’d make me scream more. Never needed to fake it. He made me orgasm and he came when he was ready. He loved the affect he had on me, and I loved it, too.

    I’ve had a couple of bfs who thought it was fake at first, but they learned it wasn’t and began to enjoy it, too.

    The way I see it, whatever you’re comfortable with is what you should do, and don’t let anyone tell you what’s “right.”

  13. 43
    Hanna

    No one has to make noise. Lol

    Noise is not determined by ones sex but by the individual.

    Porn is fake and I feel so embarrassed for the man! The unecessary noise is very annoying and sounds so ridiculous.

    If a man doesn’t moan,then how does a woman know she is doing it right?

    women need an ego boost!

  14. 44
    Naomi

    I SIMPLY CAN’T HELP…It’s too sweet and intense…some positions make me moan louder than others..I guess when he goes so deep I lose control. It’s such a heavenly experience

  15. 45
    Josie

    I’ve always been very natural and uninhibited about sex.  To me, it’s a beautiful thing, clean, pure, magical.  I’ve never tried to make noise, but I just naturally get lost in sensations and emotions and the sounds come out.  My exes all loved this. My current partner loves it. I wish women would realize that the more they tune in to their bodies, the more they focus on simply receiving pleasure from a man, and the less they think or control or hold back, the more their men will enjoy them.  And the more the women will enjoy their men.
    But what I really want to say is that a LOT of men are silent during sex and this is a real drag for women.  Some men use porn phrases and this is also a turnoff.  And some men make announcements like, “Here. Take it.” or “I’m cumming!”  Also a huge turnoff.  We can figure out for ourselves that you’re cumming, guys.
    Just be natural, everyone.  Let go and enjoy deeply.  Don’t copy some guide for what to say in bed. Speak from the heart (or genitals!).  Don’t talk like a porn start.

    There was only one time I stopped myself from making noise during sex.  It was a VERY brief relationship (4 days).  A man I’d known since we were kids, and I, finally got together for a week.  His idea of sex was to kiss for a few minutes and then start having vaginal intercourse.  Luckily, I can have vaginal orgasms pretty easily. Otherwise, I never would have had an orgasm with him at all.  From talking with other women, I know this guy is not the only man who is like this in bed, and that is why I’m telling you this story.

    The second I started to orgasm (and make noise), he would cum.  It was like he just couldn’t wait to cum.  Apparently he thought a woman is satisfied with one orgasm that lasts half a second.  Apparently he didn’t really enjoy sex or want it to last longer than one minute.  So I learned to stay completely silent while I had a few orgasms.  If he didn’t realize I had an orgasm, he could go for 5 minutes instead of two seconds.  I don’t want a 5-minute lover. I want a 5-hour lover, an all day lover, a 5 times a day lover.  This guy was either a totally clueless lover, or a very selfish lover.  He was selfish as a human being, it turned out.

    If people don’t know how to be good lovers, they can read books, and go to intimacy retreats, or in some cases, sex therapists.  If they refuse to do that, if they refuse to even try, I guess they don’t want to give their partners pleasure.  What does this mean?  They are incapable of loving another person? They are selfish?  They are too terrified and hung up to even talk with a sex therapist?  I know men and women who are stuck in marriages with people who are not good lovers (to put it kindly), and they are miserable every day of their lives.  My advice to them always, is if their partner refuses to try, then leave them.  Go be with someone who makes you feel alive, sexy, filled with joy, sexually.  Leave your ex and let them find another person who doesn’t care about sex and they can be happy doing crossword puzzles together.

    1. 45.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      “A LOT of men are silent during sex and this is a real drag for women. Some men use porn phrases and this is also a turnoff. And some men make announcements like, “Here. Take it.” or “I’m cumming!” Also a huge turnoff. We can figure out for ourselves that you’re cumming, guys. Just be natural, everyone.”

      So men shouldn’t be silent, but they shouldn’t say things like “I’m coming,” but they should be natural? How about you give us a list of what we’re allowed to say instead?

      1. 45.1.1
        Josie

        If I understand you correctly, you’re saying you don’t know what men could say during sex besides, “I’m coming.”

        It also seems like you think the only alternative to silence is talking.  What about natural sounds of pleasure?

        After reading the excellent comments by other people here, I can’t think of anything I can add to make this topic clearer.

        1. Evan Marc Katz

          I’m saying that policing what comes out of your lover’s mouth is a shortsighted dating strategy; nothing more.

      2. 45.1.2
        Rampiance

        I, for one, really appreciate when a man tells me, “I’m cumming!” because he often gets to the 99% then backs off, then up to 99%, then backs off, a few times. If I make assumptions, I miss the high mark with him. So…I say, natural, yes. Communication, yes.

        1. Josie

          I couldn’t agree more, Evan.  I would never tell a lover what to say or not say. That would be crushing and deflating. I would only contribute my experiences and thoughts and information I’ve gleaned from many women friends, in a forum like this.

          If we’re lucky, all our lovers (men and women) seek information like this website and are open to learning and becoming even better lovers.

          The reason, actually, that I ended up reading this site yesterday, is that I was discussing with 8 women friends the sad fact that many men are quiet during sex.  One friend said she feels like her man isn’t enjoying what she’s doing. Also, it’s impossible for her to know what he likes, so that she can do more of that.  In addition to asking our menfolk who DO make noise uninhibitedly,  we decided to google the subject.  One hope was to find ways to inspire, (WITHOUT telling), a lover to let go, be natural, tune in to his body and enjoy the pleasure received so much that he becomes more responsive.  Men love it when women are responsive and women love it when men are responsive, for the same reasons.  So the quest continues…

        2. Josie

          Rampiance,

          Good point.  Different things work for different people. Thank you for mentioning your experience.  I need to add to everything I write, some kind of disclaimer. LOL  Like “In my experience only” or “My own preference, which might not match others’…”

          My personal preference — which may not match anyone else’s —   is that a man let me know he’s close and whatever I’m doing is wonderful and he wants me to keep doing exactly that, by saying something like what my soulmate says. Various versions of…  “Oh god!  Keep doing THAT! Just like that!”  or “Oh yeah, don’t stop!”

          Alternatively, if my man makes certain sounds of pleasure, I know to keep doing whatever I’m doing, for a little while.

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