Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Evan,
I meet a man via an online dating site, we email back and forth, get to know each other, then he will ask for my phone number. If I like him I will give it to him. Then he will text me. I may even give him my email. This usually leads to him asking me out on a date. So far, so good, right? Well… here is the wrinkle!

About 85% of the men who get my telephone number and/or email do something very bizarre. They randomly and with no warning whatsoever send me a picture of their penis!! Erect!!! Also, they seem to prefer texting and emailing prior to a date, instead of actually calling me up and asking me for a date. But back to the penis issue… is this normal? How is a woman supposed to react? Why are they doing this? I mean, you’re just going through your emails or texts. It’s early in the morning and you’re drinking your coffee… and suddenly BAM! There is a fully erect phallus in your face! Coffee snorted up the nose, all over the keyboard!

I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but this is crazy to me! And these are actually nice guys! Normal jobs, normal-to-great-looking, very polite. I have no problem with sexual banter or even sexting in the build-up to a date or for building anticipation in a new relationship, but normally when that happens there’s some kind of finesse – they don’t just whip out their johnson! Do they??

Evan, is this normal now? Is this what guys do? What should I do or say when this happens? I know it’s not just me, because my friends are having the same experience with the random penis pictures. Any clarification or advice, or just explaining this odd male behavior would be appreciated. Thank you!
–Darcy

Darcy,

On behalf of all men, I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t text a cock shot to a stranger in 1000 years, so I may not be the best person to explain this, but I’m going to do my best, like the amateur sociologist that I am.

Once again, I will reiterate that, although I was a self-proclaimed male slut from 25-35, my work was done before texting and camera phones became ubiquitous. So this stuff was never an option.

What I’m guessing, however, is that, like I wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, good qualities come with bad qualities.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up.

I meant that in relation to men – brilliant men are often difficult, handsome men are often entitled, etc. But it also applies to technology.

For example, the Internet is great, but it’s also caused the polarization of our politics, tons of misinformation, and an endless time suck.

Same with cellphones. It’s very convenient to have everyone you’ve ever met accessible through the Facebook app on your iPhone. But that means that you’re highly accessible, never unplugged, constantly distracted, and a lot more likely to crash your car.

When we look specifically at the use of cellphones during dating, I’ve frequently stated that texts largely signify one thing: “I don’t want to talk to you; if I did, I would be calling you right now.”

I might have to revise that statement.

There are many people who use texts the way I use emails – to send frequent communication throughout the day that suffices as a conversation. I never talk to my own assistant on the phone. It’s all email. And it works for us.

The difference is that it’s highly impersonal as well. Quite conceivably, a man can be texting with five different women at the same time and none of them will know the difference. There’s no time investment, emotional investment, or true information exchange that comes with a series of back and forth one-liners. Which is why, even if texting is ubiquitous, it’s still an objectively SHITTY way of building a relationship. Keeping in touch with a boyfriend? Great. Getting to know someone new? Terrible.

Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part.

What does this have to do with you and your many penises, Darcy? Not all that much, admittedly. I think I just wanted the opportunity to state in public that we’re not going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. Texting is here to stay. And if you’re a woman who values herself and wants a man to make a more personal investment in you, it’s your job to show him how. Otherwise, he’s gonna keep you as one of a half-dozen women on his low-investment texting roster.

You deserve more than that, and you can get it – with the right guy.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up. But don’t keep rewarding men who think that this type of behavior is okay. They’ll exploit it for selfish reasons – not evil – just selfish – and you’ll never get what you want.

As for why men send their penis to you? Two reasons:

1) Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part. Somewhere in their primitive reptilian brains, they think this is a good idea. Objectively, it’s not. I’ve never met a woman who was turned on as much as she was creeped out.

2) Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them. This is probably the soundest psychological premise I could put forth to explain something so patently stupid. “I showed you mine, you show me yours!” or some such nonsense.

What they don’t know is that while most women appreciate a good body – and quite possibly a hard cock – you are really turned on by his wit, his intellect, his drive, his warmth, and his strength. These are the qualities that make you want to be with him sexually, not vice versa.

And so, Darcy, any man who leads with his penis – as you pointed out – isn’t necessarily a bad human being, but he is definitely someone who doesn’t understand what makes women tick.

I allow for many mistakes in the early phases of dating, but think that a penis text is a perfectly reasonable reason to dismiss a guy.

I wouldn’t even want to know what he thinks is appropriate to send to you after he finally meets you.

12
22

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Comments:

  1. 1
    Fiona

    I have to say no-one has ever done that to me so I am a bit concerned if 85% of men that the OP communicates with are doing this. Maybe this is an issue with younger guys rather than middle aged? Or is she perhaps handing out her number/email to the wrong men in the first place? In any event it is clearly a no brainer. Delete him and don’t respond.

    1. 1.1
      Selena

      I don’t know about 85%  buy it’s happened to me a lot as well. You really don’t see it coming. they seem like nice handsome professional men  and out if nowhere  BAM!! Penis text! I used to feel violated but now I just laugh and show it to all my gay male friends.  

      1. 1.1.1
        Selena

        BTW, these were men in their 40′s

      2. 1.1.2
        timothy sanford

        i’d rather that when female see penis, always keep the assumption that he is “male for female” and only show it to other girls, no boys, if she plans to show it to someone else,  unless the Penis Sender mentions otherwise, bc if i had lots of gay men texting me. i’d be angry!

  2. 2
    RW

    LOL LOL LOL LOL.  I apologize for laughing at your problem, Darcy but it’s just so damn funny.  I have never been texted a penis by someone I am not in a relationship with and I am hard pressed to even imagine what my reaction would be.  It’s all very well to say that these are not bad men and they probably aren’t but my knee jerk response would probably be to block the guy and never speak to him again.  You would think that in general, men would want to show you their fine specimens in person before attempting to send a photo. I am disturbed to hear that this is becoming common.  I would be tempted to just ask a guy what he was hoping to achieve when he sent the photo.  If you do decide to ask someone, please, please post the response.  I’m impossibly curious about what it could be.

  3. 3
    CS

    EMK …..I am glad to see this post! Last year I decided to try online dating. Oh boy!! I was excited of the possiblity to meet interesting, nice men. Well, to my surprise after meeting a few guys after the intial emailing one another back and forth.. We had decided to exchange numbers to text/call to get to know one another prior to meeting. After a few text messages… I was sent pictures of their penis.  Now, I was never sure why either of these guys would send me a picture like this ….so not impressive.  However, in sharing these experiences with my girlfriends …they to have had these same types of pics text to them. I don’t why some men would do this??? But its makes me run the other way….is this the best they can come to the table with??? WOW?!!

  4. 4
    MIsha

    Personally I would be offended and horrified. And it would tell me one thing. They want sex and they want it now and are trolling for a romp. And probably sending said photo to all on their list they have contact w/ for a booty call.
    I think it’s massively rude and inappropriate behavior unless they are on a pick up site. Fine display your johnson there. Not to normal gals who want to get to know you before being slapped with your junk. Sheesh.
    No they are trolling and just.. offensive, selfish and rude. DELETE.

  5. 5
    BeenThruTheWars

    Are they all guys from the same website?  Might be time for a new website.

  6. 6
    Anonymous

    Thank God I’m a lesbian.

    1. 6.1
      Helen

      I wish I was a lesbian!

      1. 6.1.1
        Sandra

        I’m not, but I’ve just received a said pic from someone I met twice and I’ve come here looking for a suitable response to his “you like?” – besides ‘seen one you’ve seen them all’

  7. 7
    Ruby

    I’m with Fiona here, maybe it’s an age thing, but I can’t imagine a guy over 40 doing this. Heck, I can’t imagine a guy over 25 doing this. What’s odd to me is Darcy’s statement, “I don’t want to hurt their feelings…” Wait, what about her feelings? Did the guy ask her in advance if she’d mind seeing his dick “pop up” on her phone while she’s at work or in class? I don’t know where she’s finding these guys, but if 85% of them are doing this, something’s wrong, unless, of course, she’s just looking to get laid. In my world, truly “nice guys” would show a little more respect. Perhaps Darcy is letting the sexual banter and sexting go too far before she’s even met the man, and is giving men the wrong impression.

    1. 7.1
      Jane

      Dear Ruby, I have to say that I dated an american guy. His age was 45 and suddenly, when I was spending a weekend with my girlfrends, I got this terrible P-picture on my phone. I could not believe it. He was odd anyway, but this text “message” really ended it.

      Jane

    2. 7.2
      S

      The cases that hit the news are indeed of men over 40. I also could not imagine any man in my network would be sending such below-the-hip-portraits. Until I learned that two men indeed had sent such photos. Both in high-profile positions, family-men and generally well-behaving and “nice guys”. One in his mid-40′s and one close to 50. Neither of the younger female recipients (a long-term fiancee and a colleague) had provided any kind of invitation to receive such messages and neither were impressed to receive them. A need to boost one’s self-image does not ask age. I just wonder if the men would have sent those pictures prior the digital age…

  8. 8
    David T

    When I read the OP’s letter, I was thankfully not drinking anything.  Frankly this blows my tiny little mind. Out of the blue?  What the heck?  And to respond to RW I can’t imagine doing that to someone who I am IN a relationship with, unless they asked. . . and then I would be puzzled and would probably want a long talk with them before doing anything.

    I am with @MIsha. These men likely just want sex, or at least are completely focussed on it during that moment. Even if it is ‘just’ an “in that moment” thing they have impulse control issues and are being rude. Evan was far too charitable.

    RE: Evan’s comment on texting in general. I find that when I call a woman (or many of my male friends for that matter) the cell phone actually gets picked up maybe 1 time in 3, and these are people who I know in general are happy to talk to me! The low number of hits is a symptom of our over connected world.  Heck, I probably only answer 1 in 2 calls myself. Sometimes I leave  voicemail, but am likely to hang up and text instead. For some people the pick up percentage is far lower.  With these, I will text out of the gate and not even try to call, though my text might be “are you available to talk?”

  9. 9
    LC

    These guys ARE bad men.  They only want sex.  DELETE.  There are just so many of them out there these days that feel entitled to be male sluts for 10-20 years of their lives, and there’s nothing we girls can do to change them besides not sleep with them.  I’ve received many pictures like this, stories of their exploits, etc., and I’m not impressed.  I cannot respect a man who has no respect for himself or the women he’s dealing with.  NEXT.

  10. 10
    Alyssa

    No one has ever done this to me, either, so I can’t help but wonder if the OP is bringing it upon herself in some way… she did say she was game for ‘sexting’ pre-date which I think is a BAD idea unless sex is all your after.  I never ever have any sort of sexual conversations before a first date, or before exclusivity for that matter- I personally think it would devalue me as girlfriend material.

  11. 11
    JustMe

    I have gotten a handful of these pictures.  I have gotten them from guys over 40 and i have gotten them from guys under 40.  They are a complete surpise.  I did ask one guy WHY he sent me that and his response was he had to have some way to get my attention.  I replied if he thought that was an appropriate way to get my attention then I was NOT the girl for him.  To be fair, these are the minority. 

  12. 12
    K

    Very weird.  I’ve been doing online dating for years and several different sites.  Currently in early 30s no one has ever done this to me online or offline.  Makes me think there must be something in her texts or her profiles which indicate that she may be more open about these things. The last few pics I got from guys I hadn’t met yet were travel pics or sporting events that we had talked about.

  13. 13
    RW

    @David T
    I’ve never gotten a penis text from anyone, period and I agree with you…it boggles my mind.  I re-read my comment and I guess I was trying to highlight the fact that it would at least be considered in the realm of acceptable if it was from a person I was sleeping with.  Darcy’s situation is just bizarre.

  14. 14
    Kathleen

    I was cracking up imagining Darcy being invaded by the X rated texted peni  . A funny topic indeed!!

    No this isn’t unique to guys under 40 Ive found!!

     Clever wit is always a turn on!! This …ahhh …..not so much…. LOL

  15. 15
    julie

    I have dated from the internet for a long time and never have i had someone send a penis picture unless we discussed it prior to him sending it or i was in a relationship with the guy. This isn’t the norm and whatever dating service your using sounds like it is oriented more towards the intimate encounter kind. I would delete someone in a heartbeat if they sent that without knowing if I was interested in receiving such a photo. Put these guys in their place fast. Next. 

  16. 16
    Paula

    It’s happened to me once and it does get your attention but in the wrong way.
    Send back a repy text along the lines of ‘Oh, is that all? Does it come in a larger size? Poor you? Doesn’t always pay to advertise you know!’
    I’m sure you can make up your own put down, delete their number and don’t answer or respond to any further texts from them.

    This is not normal behaviour for decent guys, these weirdo’s are fishing to see how far they can bust your boundaries and make you accept their outrageous behaviour.
    At some stage or another they must have got a positive outcome from sending their pathetic little penis pic so they keep doing it. It’s a really lazy, low effort way to get attention and any guy who is engaging in this sort of behaviour tells you all you really need to know about him.

  17. 17
    Serena27

    I had a guy I met online send me headless pictures of himself.  He was usually shirtless, but then the last one he sent was him in tight boxer briefs and he’d stuffed the front.  It looked like he had a hockey cup proctector in there, it was not a natural shape.  We hadn’t even met yet.  I sent him a good-bye email telling him those pictures told me he was only looking for sex, and if he wasn’t then he should seriously consider the kind of impression he was making on women.  He sent me a polite email back defending himself that that was not his intention.  I didn’t bother to write back.

    However, I think the penis pictures are becoming more common.  My wonderful, sweet sensitive boyfriend started sending them after we had had sex, and kept asking for pictures of me.  He was actually hurt and confused that I didn’t send him one or let him take one, and even argued, “but you don’t seem shy about your body”.  I told him that yes, I like my body, and I’m comfortable with it, I even like walking around naked, but I’m not taking pictures.  We had to have two conversations about it.  I kept remembering Evan’s advice that sometimes good guys do stupid things. 

    Based on his other actions (he was very attentive and caring in the early days and he has remained consistent the last 6 months) I decided he simply had a very different world view from me and took the time to explain my reasons and that I needed him to respect my decision.  He did, and later said he realised he had been immature and wrong and apologised.

    The other thing he doesn’t do is call.  We send eachother over 450 texts/month.  Each!  I understand that guys don’t like long conversations on the phone, and that’s fine, but I’m sure in the last 6 months he’s called less than 10 times.  The thing is, he hates calling people.  He just doesn’t like talking on the phone to anyone.  He sends what I would call ‘girly texts’ with lots of emoticons and hearts.  I actually started using them just for him.  When we first met, he always asked me out for the next date at the end of the date we were currently on.  So it wasn’t until much later that I figured out that he doesn’t really call. 

    However, he does understand that I wish he would call more and if I ask him to call, he will call me.

    So, there are wonderful guys out there who also communicate via text and think penis pictures (or underwear shots) are sexy.  But they should still be doing other things to show they really like you.  My boyfriend did call before we met for the first time and talked for a while.  We had a good connection, so I knew the first date wouldn’t suck.  There was also no sexting from him before we met or even until a few weeks in.  And it wasn’t because he doesn’t know how; he’s actually very good at it.  But he saved it for when we were dating.

  18. 18
    Goldie

    Wow. I thought I’d met some pretty unsavory characters during my two rounds of online dating (2010 and 2011). Then I read this post. What on earth is happening there? No one has ever sent me a text like this, and I spent three months on plentyoffish, for crying out loud! Only guy to come anywhere close, texted me the night before our first date, something like “I can’t wait to meet you in person tomorrow night, and then we’ll make sweet love”. I texted back to cancel, never met him, end of story. But even then, there were no pictures. No, this is not normal. No way, no how. At least, not with the guys that contacted me online (professionals/some blue-collar/some small business owners, age from 30 to 50ish with a few 20-somethings thrown in). If Darcy has 85% of men doing that to her before the first date, I’d suggest, in this order:
     
    1) like someone suggested before, change sites.
    2) if that doesn’t help, review your profile. Does it say anything that sets them off in this way? what about profile pictures?
    3) if that doesn’t help, move, cuz I’m out of ideas at this point.

  19. 19
    Robyn

    Trust me on this – you can have as “normal” or G-rated profile or personal ad as possible, and you will still get some fraction of the male population being this crass / inappropriate when contacting you.
    And age has little to do with it. In my experience, the older ones (over 35) have been the worst offenders.
    When a man does this, he is (in my opinion) telling me he is desperate to get laid with any woman who will take him and/or doesn’t have anything to recommend him other than his d_ck – neither of which are attractive qualities in my book.
    In fact, they are immediate dis-qualifers, as far as I am concerned.
    Whatever you do, do not bother replying to their texts/e-mails asking why they are doing what they are doing.
    Don’t let them bait you into corresponding further with them – they don’t deserve your time and attention.
    Delete their e-mail(s), block them from contacting you again & if they do it more than once (by creating a new user name & repeating the process – which has happened to me a few times), report them the the web-site management/moderators for inappropriate conduct.

  20. 20
    Kim

    In defense of Darcy, those of you who are saying that it MUST be something she did are akin to those who insist that women who are raped MUST have been asking for it by their behavior, style of attire, location, blah, blah, blah. Really? Shame on you for judging Darcy!  This IS a rather common occurrence, and it happens everywhere, without provocation. Men over 40, under 40, Match, POF, and eHarmony. I have never sexted before a first date, or exchanged lewd emails and still have received lewd emails and texts from would-be suitors.  Penis pics: yes. Confessions of masturbating to my profile pics: yes. Questions about my bra size: yes. And one guy, on the third date, when I invited him in for a cup of coffee, went into my bathroom and came out naked, and we had never once discussed sex, either that night or any other.  I was appalled and threw him out.  But my point is, it doesn’t take slutty behavior on the woman’s part to invite bad behavior on the man’s. I think that somewhere these guys have gotten the idea that women are turned on by the sight of a penis, hard or otherwise, and are trying to get her in the mood so they can jump her bones at the first chance. It just doesn’t work that way for us. It is offensive.  But it happens, and not because anyone asks for it.

    1. 20.1
      KC

      I agree with you, Kim. It’s not what Darcy has done or not done. I’ve had several penis pics (in various states of arousal) sent to me too, from men ranging in age from 30 to 50. They have even asked for photos of me, ‘that were not included on the site.’  Which I’ve found out is code for, nude. Completely offensive. It does happen – even when you don’t ask for it. 

  21. 21
    JD

     I actually don’t like talking on the phone to someone until I’ve met them in person. I find it awkward and it doesn’t tell me any more about them than email. You still can’t gauge chemistry over the phone – at least I can’t and I need that in-person contact to build a rapport before phone contact. 
      That being said, I have never received a phallic photo via phone from anyone . . . ever. Email is another story but it has been infrequent.  I have received requests from guys to send a photo via text which I find supremely annoying. Clearly they are looking for a sexy pic, even when they say they aren’t, or they would be satisfied with what is provided on the profile until we meet in person. (I make sure to provide close-up face shots & further away body shots to give an appropriate over all idea of how I look)

  22. 22
    K

    @20, not trying to judge Darcy or saying she has asked for it.  I’m just trying to be  helpful and suggest she re-review her profile or how she communicates with guys.  All I can offer is my experience and that of my friends (females who don’t get those pics and male friends who don’t send them).  I’m willing to accept that I am in the minority (lucky) and the norm is to get them all the time.  I’m just happy it isn’t my reality, because if 85% of the time it was happening to me, I would have stopped online dating as I’m fairly conservative.  Luckily (if that is all it is) I communicate with several new guys a month and so far nothing lewd.  I have used Okcupid, Match and eharmony.

  23. 23
    Spiral

    Yup, this has happened to me on numerous occasions, and I totally agree with Evan’s assessment: they are looking for sex, and they think you want to see them naked as much as they want to see you.
    I’ve never developed a strong emotional relationship with any man I’ve dated who sent me a penis shot, but I have had some fun flings! ;)

  24. 24
    Ruby

    Kim #20
    I’ve done online dating off and on for years, and corresponded with many men from 20s to 60. Never once received a penis photo, nor have any of my friends. I also don’t engage in “sexual banter” or “sexting” with men I’ve never met before, and when a man has attempted this, it immediately sets off red flags for me. I’m not saying Darcy is “asking for it”. But she’s written to ask if this is normal, and the vast majority of responders say it is not, so we’re trying to figure out why most of the men she corresponds with would do this. She may be giving these men the idea that she is more open to casual encounters than she realizes. She may also not be so good at reading between the lines in the man’s profile; some men can be rather subtle about their lack of interest in any kind of serious relationship. The fact that she’s so concerned about hurting THEIR feelings isn’t helping her any, either.

  25. 25
    David T

    @Spiral22
    I’ve never developed a strong emotional relationship with any man I’ve dated who sent me a penis shot, but I have had some fun flings!
    Would you vote for any of them for congress?
     
    @Kim20
    And one guy, on the third date, when I invited him in for a cup of coffee, went into my bathroom and came out naked, and we had never once discussed sex, either that night or any other
    Was he confused when you asked him to leave? Did you give him time to dress?  Laughing minds want to know! (It must have been scary for you in that moment, but it is a funny story knowing it ended safely for you.) I guess when you invite someone for coffee you have to spell out that coffee means just coffee. Sad.
     
    Maybe he spilled coffee on his clothes, went into the bathroom to  hand wash ‘em and while they were drying on the shower bar, he thought it would cross your boundaries to wear one of your towels without asking. . . . Kidding.  Even I am not that naïve. :D
     
     

  26. 26
    Tom10

    Like Evan and David T, I am dumbfounded that some men think sending these photos to women they haven’t even met is a good idea. These men are obviously just looking for just sex and initially I thought they were doing it in a very tactless way. However, they are surely being deliberately provocative in order to test her boundaries: i.e. quickly suss out kinky she is. Sure it will freak out most women, but the ones who respond positively are the ones they are looking for.

    Spiral #23
    “I’ve never developed a strong emotional relationship with any man I’ve dated who sent me a penis shot, but I have had some fun flings!”

    This is interesting: it seems to indicate that these photos do work for a certain percentage of women.

  27. 27
    JB

    I have to say like Evan said these are men who clearly don’t “know” women. Even though some are very succesful(Brett Favre,Congressman Weiner etc…) They have no idea what women want or what makes them tick emotionally let alone what may spark and keep attraction. These are the same idiots that think WOMEN read Playgirl magazine when we know it’s mostly gay men that read Playgirl. Ohh and ladies, you can bet the men on this blog are much much sharper than to do anything like that….LOL :-)

  28. 28
    SouthrnPhoenix

    My percentage has never been 85%, but I’ve had my fair share of penis pics sprung on me (no pun intended).  My response to each of them has been “My kids are frequently close to me when I receive text messages and could see these pics; please don’t send anymore.”  The response is usually some variation of horror and a promise not to do so again.  I’ve only received a couple of them before a formal meeting and my response was always harsh, as in “don’t ever contact me again.”  They do happen.  I more or less agree with Evan, but will add that I honestly believe most of these men are impressed with their equipment and hope I will be as impressed.  I wish it wasn’t that way, but it happens.  I’m 38 and my age range is about 30 to 48.  I usually see it in men closer to my age or older than the younger ones.

  29. 29
    BChick80

    If it makes the lady who asked the question in the first place feel any better, I once had a male coworker that I went on one (yes, ONE) date with do this.  When I received said Text of Shame, I was on a jam-packed train on the way to work.  Yes…dude sent me a picture of his ding-a-ling before 9:00am.  Appalling.  The six people standing behind me got a good look and are probably still traumatized and telling their therapists all about the time their eyeballs were assaulted with a d*ck picture and wondering what kind of woman GETS a d*ck picture first thing in the morning.  I can’t even. 

  30. 30
    Sue

    I also received a penis picture one day and about shit my pants!  I couldn’t believe ti!  Thanks so much for the post and I am glad I am not alone.  I never responded and deleted his phone number!

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