Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Evan,
I meet a man via an online dating site, we email back and forth, get to know each other, then he will ask for my phone number. If I like him I will give it to him. Then he will text me. I may even give him my email. This usually leads to him asking me out on a date. So far, so good, right? Well… here is the wrinkle!

About 85% of the men who get my telephone number and/or email do something very bizarre. They randomly and with no warning whatsoever send me a picture of their penis!! Erect!!! Also, they seem to prefer texting and emailing prior to a date, instead of actually calling me up and asking me for a date. But back to the penis issue… is this normal? How is a woman supposed to react? Why are they doing this? I mean, you’re just going through your emails or texts. It’s early in the morning and you’re drinking your coffee… and suddenly BAM! There is a fully erect phallus in your face! Coffee snorted up the nose, all over the keyboard!

I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but this is crazy to me! And these are actually nice guys! Normal jobs, normal-to-great-looking, very polite. I have no problem with sexual banter or even sexting in the build-up to a date or for building anticipation in a new relationship, but normally when that happens there’s some kind of finesse – they don’t just whip out their johnson! Do they??

Evan, is this normal now? Is this what guys do? What should I do or say when this happens? I know it’s not just me, because my friends are having the same experience with the random penis pictures. Any clarification or advice, or just explaining this odd male behavior would be appreciated. Thank you!
–Darcy

Darcy,

On behalf of all men, I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t text a cock shot to a stranger in 1000 years, so I may not be the best person to explain this, but I’m going to do my best, like the amateur sociologist that I am.

Once again, I will reiterate that, although I was a self-proclaimed male slut from 25-35, my work was done before texting and camera phones became ubiquitous. So this stuff was never an option.

What I’m guessing, however, is that, like I wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, good qualities come with bad qualities.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up.

I meant that in relation to men – brilliant men are often difficult, handsome men are often entitled, etc. But it also applies to technology.

For example, the Internet is great, but it’s also caused the polarization of our politics, tons of misinformation, and an endless time suck.

Same with cellphones. It’s very convenient to have everyone you’ve ever met accessible through the Facebook app on your iPhone. But that means that you’re highly accessible, never unplugged, constantly distracted, and a lot more likely to crash your car.

When we look specifically at the use of cellphones during dating, I’ve frequently stated that texts largely signify one thing: “I don’t want to talk to you; if I did, I would be calling you right now.”

I might have to revise that statement.

There are many people who use texts the way I use emails – to send frequent communication throughout the day that suffices as a conversation. I never talk to my own assistant on the phone. It’s all email. And it works for us.

The difference is that it’s highly impersonal as well. Quite conceivably, a man can be texting with five different women at the same time and none of them will know the difference. There’s no time investment, emotional investment, or true information exchange that comes with a series of back and forth one-liners. Which is why, even if texting is ubiquitous, it’s still an objectively SHITTY way of building a relationship. Keeping in touch with a boyfriend? Great. Getting to know someone new? Terrible.

Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part.

What does this have to do with you and your many penises, Darcy? Not all that much, admittedly. I think I just wanted the opportunity to state in public that we’re not going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. Texting is here to stay. And if you’re a woman who values herself and wants a man to make a more personal investment in you, it’s your job to show him how. Otherwise, he’s gonna keep you as one of a half-dozen women on his low-investment texting roster.

You deserve more than that, and you can get it – with the right guy.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up. But don’t keep rewarding men who think that this type of behavior is okay. They’ll exploit it for selfish reasons – not evil – just selfish – and you’ll never get what you want.

As for why men send their penis to you? Two reasons:

1) Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part. Somewhere in their primitive reptilian brains, they think this is a good idea. Objectively, it’s not. I’ve never met a woman who was turned on as much as she was creeped out.

2) Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them. This is probably the soundest psychological premise I could put forth to explain something so patently stupid. “I showed you mine, you show me yours!” or some such nonsense.

What they don’t know is that while most women appreciate a good body – and quite possibly a hard cock – you are really turned on by his wit, his intellect, his drive, his warmth, and his strength. These are the qualities that make you want to be with him sexually, not vice versa.

And so, Darcy, any man who leads with his penis – as you pointed out – isn’t necessarily a bad human being, but he is definitely someone who doesn’t understand what makes women tick.

I allow for many mistakes in the early phases of dating, but think that a penis text is a perfectly reasonable reason to dismiss a guy.

I wouldn’t even want to know what he thinks is appropriate to send to you after he finally meets you.

12
22

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Angie

    85%  WHOA, that is a high amount!
     
    Darcy, here is where I do think you can assert some control over this not happening:  Take a look over your own profile to see if you have any mentions of liking sex or being a sexual person, including photos where you are looking seductive.  Also, don’t text them anything too flirtatious.
     
    To be honest, I wouldn’t give my email to someone I hadn’t met.  If they ask for your phone number, give it to them and say “I look forward to your call” or something to tell them how to reach out to you.  There is no reason to give them your email address.  You are essentially emailing them already through the dating site, except that you won’t be able to flag or report a breach in terms of service through your regular email.
     
    As silly and old-fashioned as this sounds, if you want a date, make your profile read “Girl you can take home to momma”, not “Girl you can take home after a couple drinks”. (Seriously, I apologize for being silly and old-fashioned sounding, this isn’t meant to sound offensive or as if I believe a woman does anything to provoke this, but you do have to market yourself).
     
    Some guys have handles like “HornyDude77″ etc and sending penis pictures is probably their primary method of operation, but the reality is that 85% of guys on dating sites are not out to do this.  Try to change your interaction leading up to these texts and see if you get different results.
     

  2. 32
    Dawn

    Haha…I am soooo glad to know I’m not the only one. I have gotten so many of them that I wish I had saved them, I could have made a book.
    The last time I specifically told the guy that I didn’t want one. Had enough, just want to discover that on my own if that time came.  He said he understood, however the next day I got the damn cock shot.  REALLY???
    I explained that although I do appreciate a good ‘package’ he had pretty much taken the mystery out of it for me. There was no longer that desire to discover what may be in store…I became quickly uninterested.
    I’ve even so much as asked “why” why on earth do all the men feel the need to send a picture of that. Especially when there has been no intimacy between us…I don’t get an answer. They get embarrassed and apologize, but I never get why they all seem to want to show their cards. 
    I’m with the idea that they probably are hoping to get one in return.  I no longer indulge…I used to, but now the only one who’s getting nudy pictures of me is the lover who has explored the real thing first.
    I’m gotten off online dating in part because of this exact thing. Seems like online dating has become a bit of sex for free…I’m over it.  Learned a lot about myself, and about men, and about what I’m willing to tolerate and what I wont.
     

  3. 33
    Amy

    Hey Darcy,
    I love your post! Funny and relevant. I have received many such photos during my dating career and they never cease to shock and amuse me. In some cases I’ve met the guy just once, in other cases not.  I hate to say it guys, but even though these d*cks are all different, they tend to all look alike in photos.  In one such photo, both the guy’s hands were visible, making me wonder who took the picture! I could probably collect them all, print them on fabric and have enough for a lovely penis quilt! What I wonder is if these guys realize that women are far more apt to laugh at these photos than they are to say to themselves, “oooo, I can’t wait to have sex with this guy!”  And to Ruby @7, YES, middle aged guys text these photos too. The “oldest” penis pic I’ve received so far is 47.  All humor aside, ultimately this is not classy behavior, but that of 19 year old frat boys. I cannot imagine that the man I eventually meet who will be my boyfriend/husband/partner would ever do this, it seems really low brow/trashy, even if it does provide a few laughs in the moment.  And to you guys who’ve weighed in (especially Tom10@26),  thank you!

  4. 34
    Casey

    David T @ 25 and Bchick80 @29, LMAO at your comments!
    I am early 50′s and have only received one of “those” un-provoked texts from a 50 something that thought he was hot stuff (actually he was ;) I just thought “what an idiot” and proceeded to share it with my girlfriends who all Roared about it!  Oh yes, he was such a narcissist that he included his face!!

  5. 35
    David T

    How about responding this way. . . .  “A picture is easy. Show me you are serious and make like van Gogh.   Here is my PO Box address.”
     
    Or find a truly gross medical picture online, maybe a photo of a gall stone removal, or male circumcision on an adult, and send that back to him. Heck, if it upset you, it is only fair. . . .

  6. 36
    Simone

    Tell him that you’re going to post the pic on Facebook and tag him in the photo. That way all of his friends will see it. He’ll think twice before doing it to someone else.

    Or maybe someone should start a website where people can post these unsolicited pics with the guys’ names on them. I mean, so many guys are always trying to get naked pics of women–whether through persuasion, coercion, or harrassment (think cell phones on escalators, young girls in dresses). No one is even persuading, coercing, harrassing these guys–they’re volunteering to be outed.

    And do not date these guys!!! Sometime it’s a wonder to me that anyone ever has a good relationship with a guy at all. The majority of guys seem so reptilian. How can you get beyond that. Even if they “change” and get some sensitivity, these reptiles always have this awful behavior in their past. And you can’t know how reptilian the “changed” guy used to be. Let’s say you get married and build a life with a reformed reptile, and then one day via social media something awful pops up to destroy your life. I know of some awful things that guys did to women when I was in college. If any of that ever got out some of these guys would be ruined. It’s harder to hide this kind of behavior nowadays because of technology. 

    Thank god.   

  7. 37
    Some other Steve

    “Oh: that looks like a penis, only smaller”

  8. 38
    Karl S

    What website is she using?

    She might want to try Okcupid. I’ve had the most success through there and the people who sign up are generally more intelligent writers, or at least that’s how it is from a male experience.

  9. 39
    sharon

    There is nothing more unattractive than i disembodied penis. If you’re going to be lewd at least show me something worth looking at. A cute butt, arms body shot whatever. That at least might turn me on. Dudes like their dicks way too much.

  10. 40
    Kathleen

    Remember Anthony Weiner the political who was “exposed” in the sexting scandal that destroyed his career and possibly his marriage with his fiancee? 

    I remember he could never really explain his behavior but therapists quoted at the time said the motivation may have been just a need for more power, sexual stimulation and needing reassurance of desirability. Hard to understand I know …no pun intended LOL

    I think a sexually attractive woman may be a target of these guys but its not really about the woman as an individual.

    Yesterday a guy from POF sent me a message he was masturbating to my pics. Im now 54 His profile said he was 37. With one click I blocked him and I don’t really think that was about me personally.      

  11. 41
    Karmic Equation

    I’ve never received any d_ck shots, even from guys I was in relationships with. The only inappropriate images I ever received were animated porn images from a guy I hooked up with ONCE without any sex. And he was ex-CIA (yes, I confirmed this, so he wasn’t lying to impress). The most soft-spoken guy ever met. Always talked respectfully with me. Was a total surprise that he was so into porn.
     
    Given how un-hung-up (pun intended) I am about sex, I totally agree with everyone here that it is a turn off. I’m totally hetero, and honestly, would prefer to see pix of naked women over naked men. Men look better clothed, imo.

  12. 42
    Kate

    I had my first experience of this recently when a guy texed me a picture of him shirtless in front of his bathroom mirror, and we hadn’t even had a phone conversation. I texted back “is that picture on your profile? because its kind of weird to see you in the bathroom”. He apologized but it was too late – there’s no way I’d get involved with someone who does that before I’ve even had a conversation with them!

    On the text messaging note, the first time a guy texts me, I politely write back “its great to hear from you. I hope you don’t mind, but I have a policy of not texting people I’m trying to get to know on Match. It leads to what I call “Lazy communication” lol! But I’d love to get to know you better on the phone or in person”. The genuine guys have no problem with it and actually agree with me, and it weeds out the ones I’d be wasting my time on. Think about doing this ladies – we deserve more than crumbs, we deserve a phone call!

  13. 43
    Goldie

    Kate — I canceled a first date once over a shirtless bathroom pic. The guy was hanging by a thread already — he’d sounded weird on the phone. He had three pictures on his profile: portrait picture (main); in front of his living room mirror, taken with cell phone; in front of some other mirror in his house, taken with a cell phone. The night before our first date, I log into the site and get a notification that he’d updated his profile. Turns out he had added a fourth picture — in the bathroom, shirtless, taken with cell phone. That just was a lot more weird than I could handle. So I texted him, apologized, said I was having second thoughts and that I was canceling. He was very understanding about it, I have to say.
     
    On texting, I’m in the minority here in that I prefer texting and emailing to talking on the phone during that get-to-know-you stage. Just do not have that kind of time. Whatever we need to chat about, we can chat about it on a date. With that said, I’ve had a couple situations where the man appeared perfectly good on text and email, but then we’d start talking on the phone and the most incredible stuff would come out of his mouth. So I guess phone conversations may work as an additional way to screen.

  14. 44
    NN

    I really hate talking with a man on a phone.
    It is awkward, and they just don’t have anything interesting to say and I have to be the one to keep the conversation alive. I hate it!
    There is actually no point of meeting him for a date after a phone call since I lost interest totally in that phone conversation.
    Not even once in my own long dating life has something come out of phone conversation with a stranger.. They just proved that they just plain boring, and lost me with that call they insisted to make.

    Now adays I don’t give my number, and problem is mostly solved. =)

     

  15. 45
    Karl R

    While I wouldn’t say that Darcy (or any other women) are “inviting” penis shots from men, I would say that men are interested in sex. While the good men will respect your boundaries, we will also be interested in finding out how far they extend. To a certain extent,we discover that by testing those boundaries. But we also take cues from our impression of the woman in question.

    I find the idea of a penis-text crude, immature and (fundamentally) clueless about what works with women. However, even someone like me will push farther with some women than others. If a woman seemed extremely conservative, I would take several dates without even trying for a kiss on the lips. For other women, I’d being seeing if 2nd base was an option at that point.

    I didn’t try for 2nd because I knew the women would say yes. I tried because I was reasonably certain they wouldn’t be offended by the attempt.

    If 85% of the men are sending that kind of text, you are giving the impression that you’re less likely (than most women) to be offended by it.

  16. 46
    K

    I was once texted a photo that would not display on my phone (it may have even been an early iphone, so it wasn’t that long ago) which I now suspect was a penis.
    It happened after I’d been out with him once. He shared a little too much personal info, he did seem just a little odd – but he was attractive and seemed interested in me, so I thought, give him a chance.
    When I told him the photo wouldn’t display, what was it? He said “A pic of me, send me one of you” … NO … even after this I thought, give it a try, I don’t *know* it was a penis. We went out again and he said more odd things and we ended up falling into silence abrubtly. Weird. He texted me a “let’s be friends, we don’t have chemistry” the next day, which I politely replied to (“same here”) or something. Within a week, he was calling and texting repeatedly with no reply from me. I asked him to stop contacting me and he didn’t. Things like “give us a chance!” after 2 dates.
    He stopped and occasionally texts or calls randomly a year or two later (!). Most recently I texted him that he had the wrong number and I think it worked.
    Yikes! Thank goodness he didn’t know where I live. I don’t think he’s dangerous but he’s definitely weird (also ex military).
    In conclusion, I do suspect the photo was a penis. :)
    PS I do date online – yes, met him online – and I don’t look at other women’s profiles to compare mine. But an ex told me that some women do have in their profile things like “don’t contact me for casual sex” and so on. I’ve never written that, even though I don’t want guys contacting me for casual sex, so I guess it depends on the site you’re using – but it could even be something you’re not saying that other women are saying that attracts men who are a little wacky/clueless.

  17. 47
    Maria

    Evan,
    great articlet by the way. However, when you mentioned that most men are using text over phone calls, you are saying they do NOT want to talk to us? I do not think so. So why is it my date never calls me? He is a very shy person and I can prove it. Am I excusing him with the fact he is shy??

  18. 48
    daphne

    I’ve been on Match two years, lots of dates, never ever has this happened to me. I’m a bit confused over 85% of anyone’s contacts doing something this idiotic and offensive. Perhaps wait until you’re much further along and have at least met for a date to give them your # ?

  19. 49
    Rosy

    While I’m more than happy to receive a mobile phone photograph of my chap’s old chap (although it’s always on request, never unsolicited), if he’d have done it while we were still in the “getting to know each other” stages of dating, I doubt he’d be my boyfriend now.
    Darcy, echoing others’ comments here; what dating site are you using? Maybe I’m just incredibly lucky, but I didn’t get a single penis picture sent via OKCupid. Plenty of Fish, on the other hand…… eek!
     

  20. 50
    Henriette

    Bwahahahaha!  Should I be offended that I’ve never received a dick shot from an online suitor? 
     

  21. 51
    myra

    Let me get this straight…you are having sexual banter & sexting with someone you havent met, to build up to the the first date and yet you are surprised that you are getting photos of an erect Penis??? Really???? You have invited the photos with your communications. Men will be gentlement with women who are Ladies.
    I am not a prude  at all… but these men are total strangers to you. You have presented yourself as someonewhoi is  open to  the receipt of such photos.
     

  22. 52
    Dawn

    @myra #51
    I know in my case that pictures have been sent with NO sexual banter.
    I’ve had them sent after one text, and after days of text.
    I would not be surprised by one that followed sexual banter. I think the question is more about why men send them when they are not requested.

    If a man tells me he’s a boob man, I don’t send him pictures of my boobs. If I flirt with a man, that does not immediatly mean I want to see his junk.

    For me, it seems that men want to send them. I understand there may be different reasoning behind WHY, but it really does seem to happen a lot.

    Don’t judge, unless you know ALL the facts…this is a fishing for understanding post.

  23. 53
    Ruby

    Of course, now I realize why I’ve never gotten a penis pic – I don’t text! Yet another reason to avoid it as a way to communicate with dates. It’s too lazy as a method of communication, and too easy to send unwanted crap. A man should at least be able to send an email to ask a woman out, but picking up the phone, as hopelessly old-school as that sounds, is even better.

  24. 54
    Rochelle

    1. I fortunately never had a guy text me something like that but if I did I would have to rule him out. o_O  I get that men can be clueless about how to behave with women but I believe most know that kind of behavior would creep out a woman.

    2.   I can’t even imagine accepting a   date from online without speaking on the phone first. And I tell them that,especially since several guys seem to ask you out on the dating site! This helps to see if he’s really serious about getting together or just wants an online or texting “friend”, which seems to happen frequently on dating sites.  They want to continue talking online but when meeting  seems very real, they back off. So my suggestion to Darcy is to let these guys know your boundaries, not in an entitled bitchy manner but tell them   their date idea  sounds  wonderful   it is just that you feel uncomfortable accepting online dates before a phone convo.  It always has worked for me when they really wanted to meet… With some guys once I speak to them on the phone, I know I couldn’t go out with them but was considering them before.  you  save yourself from wasting time since there are a few things you can gauge from a phone convo.

    3. Agree that texting as a basis to get to know someone sucks. Heck I rather email than text because at least there you’re more likely to have more than one line exchanges of banter.  Since 98% of the men I come across are text happy, I simply started being less  available for texting. For example, I generally don’t text men I’m dating while I’m at work.  If they complain, I tell them this and say it would feel good to catch up over the phone later, and when they call, I show appreciation for hearing from them. If he   is serious about getting to know me, he will do it gladly. If it’s too much work, then he can go.

  25. 55
    Kathleen

    Dawn  I agree  

    Before texting technology there were obscene phone calls  These weren’t provoked.
    The penis shots I got weren’t provoked by me. 

    Great post on Facebook today by Evan re being tolerant of a guys flaws but not his lack of effort. Guys avoiding speaking lack effort and often lack relating skills. NEXT

  26. 56
    Selena

    From Ruby #7:

    “Perhaps Darcy is letting the sexual banter and sexting go too far before she’s even met the man, and is giving men the wrong impression.”

    This is my take also. If 85% of men are sending you cock shots, it’s most likely because they don’t think you would be offended, given the things you’ve said(written) to them. You probably think you are being fun, flirtatious, cool…and may not realize some men are taking this further than you intended. Dial it down. Way down. See what happens.

  27. 57
    maria

    This is very common for me too. I am a social media junky, i like online dating and i meet a lot of people at social settings. I notice that the guys I meet online do this a lot. I find out that they are very immature, non-committal and slutty. They also may be insecure. 
    i press delete and dismiss them with the quickness. It is SUCH A TURN OFF! 

  28. 58
    Hope

     
    I received a few penis shots when I was on Match.  Quite simply, it’s the man’s way of saying without words that he’s looking for a purely sexual or friends-with-benefits situation. Serious relationships don’t start with a cock shot.
     

  29. 59
    sarahrahrah!

    I think these men do this because that is the practice with “adult” websites.  Most people don’t post pictures of their faces; they post pictures of their body parts and then choose their “partner” based on what they like.  Really pathetic and one more reason to stay away from anyone who sends you penis pictures.  Big STD risk.

    Unfortunately I know all about this because of a cheating ex… 

  30. 60
    myra

    What I am saying is that if 85% of the men Darcy communicates with are sending her these photos, there is a reason.  I have been online for 5 years and I have only received  an inappropriate photo once. If that manymen  respond in that manner, there is a reason… they think that the recipient would not be offended.
    Selela #56  seems to understand  how Darcy is sending the wrong message and as a result is getting these photos…. Again 85%of the men are sending her these photos?????? What does that statistic tell you?

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