Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Evan,
I meet a man via an online dating site, we email back and forth, get to know each other, then he will ask for my phone number. If I like him I will give it to him. Then he will text me. I may even give him my email. This usually leads to him asking me out on a date. So far, so good, right? Well… here is the wrinkle!

About 85% of the men who get my telephone number and/or email do something very bizarre. They randomly and with no warning whatsoever send me a picture of their penis!! Erect!!! Also, they seem to prefer texting and emailing prior to a date, instead of actually calling me up and asking me for a date. But back to the penis issue… is this normal? How is a woman supposed to react? Why are they doing this? I mean, you’re just going through your emails or texts. It’s early in the morning and you’re drinking your coffee… and suddenly BAM! There is a fully erect phallus in your face! Coffee snorted up the nose, all over the keyboard!

I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but this is crazy to me! And these are actually nice guys! Normal jobs, normal-to-great-looking, very polite. I have no problem with sexual banter or even sexting in the build-up to a date or for building anticipation in a new relationship, but normally when that happens there’s some kind of finesse – they don’t just whip out their johnson! Do they??

Evan, is this normal now? Is this what guys do? What should I do or say when this happens? I know it’s not just me, because my friends are having the same experience with the random penis pictures. Any clarification or advice, or just explaining this odd male behavior would be appreciated. Thank you!
–Darcy

Darcy,

On behalf of all men, I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t text a cock shot to a stranger in 1000 years, so I may not be the best person to explain this, but I’m going to do my best, like the amateur sociologist that I am.

Once again, I will reiterate that, although I was a self-proclaimed male slut from 25-35, my work was done before texting and camera phones became ubiquitous. So this stuff was never an option.

What I’m guessing, however, is that, like I wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, good qualities come with bad qualities.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up.

I meant that in relation to men – brilliant men are often difficult, handsome men are often entitled, etc. But it also applies to technology.

For example, the Internet is great, but it’s also caused the polarization of our politics, tons of misinformation, and an endless time suck.

Same with cellphones. It’s very convenient to have everyone you’ve ever met accessible through the Facebook app on your iPhone. But that means that you’re highly accessible, never unplugged, constantly distracted, and a lot more likely to crash your car.

When we look specifically at the use of cellphones during dating, I’ve frequently stated that texts largely signify one thing: “I don’t want to talk to you; if I did, I would be calling you right now.”

I might have to revise that statement.

There are many people who use texts the way I use emails – to send frequent communication throughout the day that suffices as a conversation. I never talk to my own assistant on the phone. It’s all email. And it works for us.

The difference is that it’s highly impersonal as well. Quite conceivably, a man can be texting with five different women at the same time and none of them will know the difference. There’s no time investment, emotional investment, or true information exchange that comes with a series of back and forth one-liners. Which is why, even if texting is ubiquitous, it’s still an objectively SHITTY way of building a relationship. Keeping in touch with a boyfriend? Great. Getting to know someone new? Terrible.

Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part.

What does this have to do with you and your many penises, Darcy? Not all that much, admittedly. I think I just wanted the opportunity to state in public that we’re not going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. Texting is here to stay. And if you’re a woman who values herself and wants a man to make a more personal investment in you, it’s your job to show him how. Otherwise, he’s gonna keep you as one of a half-dozen women on his low-investment texting roster.

You deserve more than that, and you can get it – with the right guy.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up. But don’t keep rewarding men who think that this type of behavior is okay. They’ll exploit it for selfish reasons – not evil – just selfish – and you’ll never get what you want.

As for why men send their penis to you? Two reasons:

1) Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part. Somewhere in their primitive reptilian brains, they think this is a good idea. Objectively, it’s not. I’ve never met a woman who was turned on as much as she was creeped out.

2) Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them. This is probably the soundest psychological premise I could put forth to explain something so patently stupid. “I showed you mine, you show me yours!” or some such nonsense.

What they don’t know is that while most women appreciate a good body – and quite possibly a hard cock – you are really turned on by his wit, his intellect, his drive, his warmth, and his strength. These are the qualities that make you want to be with him sexually, not vice versa.

And so, Darcy, any man who leads with his penis – as you pointed out – isn’t necessarily a bad human being, but he is definitely someone who doesn’t understand what makes women tick.

I allow for many mistakes in the early phases of dating, but think that a penis text is a perfectly reasonable reason to dismiss a guy.

I wouldn’t even want to know what he thinks is appropriate to send to you after he finally meets you.

13
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Comments:

  1. 61
    Selena

    Re Myra #60:

    Yes, whenever there is a pattern, it’s worth looking for a common denomiator. Apparently there are gobs of foolish men sending pictures of their penises to women they’ve never met. But the women who’ve received these pics acknowledge MOST men don’t do this.  If most of the men Darcy communicates with (85%) are sending her these photos, what is she doing differently from other women? The obvious answer seems to be the sexual style of her communication. Pointing this out is not to shame Darcy, it’s about if you want different results, try changing your methods.

  2. 62
    Kathleen

    I thought Darcys post was funny Maybe the “85%” was an exaggeration for humorous effect :-) 

  3. 63
    Catherine

    As someone who has used internet dating for years and never received one penis photo, I think anyone who has received multple penis photos must have written a suggestive profile or be on a dodgy dating for sex site

  4. 64
    starthrower68

    I’ve heard it referred to as “digital courage”; it’s the same phenomenom that allows tween girls to cyber-bully each other.

  5. 65
    Joe

    So…what percentage of the penis pics are manscaped?

  6. 66
    Joshua

    This article actually made me laugh when I saw the title because I was out with a girl last week whom I met online.  She told me that after the first date, the guy went home and texted a picture of his private parts.  When she didn’t respond he actually got angry.  The sad part is, this isn’t the first time I have heard this story. I think when it comes down to it the explanation is as simple as, some guys are just nuts!   Unless the two people met off a sex site, this is never acceptable.  Period!

  7. 67
    Reddy

    I honestly think that the best reaction for this is to go to the police and file a complaint. That’ll learn them. After all, if you meet an exhibitionist, you are entitled to file a complaint so why shouldn’t you if someone has the nerve to send you a pic of his genitals.
    I don’t think this is a matter of guys doing stupid things, I think it is because these guys have a very unhealthy attitude towards sex and are beyond repair. This is about not respecting other people’s, esp. women’s boundaries.

  8. 68
    Kathleen

    Reddy 67
    With all due respect that would be a complete waste of police time and the volume of “perpetrators” would be impossible to manage 

    These guys want attention andy the best response is no response, delete. 

  9. 69
    Cat

    Although I don’t have any experience with this I have to share a similar story. A friend of mine who has been single for the past 4 years & been dating quite a lot has had MANY penis pics sent to her. Now the thing that is funny to me is she is 41 & most of the men are between 30 & 45. It seems odd to me that men in that age range do this because I would expect the behavior from younger men (20’s), not older men. With that said, I’m of the opinion that it’s men that are quite well endowed that text these pics because they are proud of their “junk”. Of course she shows all her girl friends said pics & we get a giggle out of them & are usually very impressed. HA. I think it is very common nowadays actually!

  10. 70
    Anon

    this happened to me today and after discussing it with my sister she tried to tell me that it was normal and every guy does it. I immediately blocked and deleted him … The worst part is that we haven’t even met yet and he thought it would be appropriate. Tbh I was really uncomfortable and felt as if I had been disrespected. i am very conservative and it totally crossed my boundaries, as a 20 year old woman. Thanks to everyone for the comments it made me feel a lot better, as if I wasn’t just being over dramatic and now I know this happens a lot to women and they have the same reactions that I did. JERKS 

  11. 71
    judy

    I’d deselect those guys.  Unless you just want sex.  Chances are, it’s not going to be subtle and refined sex, is it? And my guess is, the sex will be all about them and their penis.
    How about sending back a text with “could do better”.  And then delete them completely.

  12. 72
    Kathleen

    It’s not just the younger crowd. I got one from a 69 year old who was on OK Cupid. And no, my profile is not suggestive.

  13. 73
    Me

    It’s funny reading all your comments … I once tryed the internet dating experience … The guy didn’t even send me a picture of his front but he did send me a picture of his behind lol … And wrote ” your turn ” I found this so inappropriate that I immediately told him ” I don’t think so your an ass … Don’t ever contact me again ” since then I have been dating other men … And find they all send me pictures of their penises once they are comfortable in our relationship. I think men are different than us woman … They are very proud of their manhood for some reason and they are very important to them? like it’s a dam trophy lol Woman don’t care to show of our vaginas .. That doesn’t even enter our minds . So we don’t get it ! So men here is what I want to say to you take your pictures and enjoy them yourself … No need to show them to us woman it’s not a turnon to us at all . More a turnoff … We want to feel Loved and respected. Showing us that picture kind of gives us a feeling of disrespect . Sorry … It gives us a feeling we are dealing with a pervert .. Not a real man :)

  14. 74
    Girl

    Thank you thank you for posting his issue! I was so confused why this hot guy would need to do this. What I’m wondering is, if this is a common occurrence -how do they realize this is a good idea? Do they tell each other – “yea send her a pic of your d*ck” and how do I get them to stop and still carry on a conversation?

  15. 75
    judy

    Geez! Do they think we want a PHOTO? Personally, I’d prefer the real thing.  Ha ha! But if any man sent me a text/photo like that, I’d know what to expect.  Vulgarity and rudeness.  Can’t be bothered.
    Happy New Year to all.

  16. 76
    Nissa

    *wiping away tears of laughter*
    Oh, that’s a good one. Maybe I’m mean, but I’d just send back a text reminiscent of the Seinfeld episode where George has just gotten out of the cold, cold  pool, and a woman catches him changing: “I’m sorry…I’m really, really sorry…” while George screams, ” I was in the pool!!!”  I’ll bet he doesn’t do that again… 

  17. 77
    Todd

    1. It may be the quality of the dating site. Some are viewed as just for hooking up.
    2. It makes it look bigger. The iPhone especially has a “fishbowl” effect at close range. That’s why guys don’t just whip out their member in person. They want to control your perspective.
    3. Some women respond positively. Like a handful of men ruining it for the rest of us by scarring women, there’s some women that want to see it. The shy ones are the worst.
    4. It’s a huge turning to think a woman is staring at your penis and admiring it.  Definitely spankbank material.
    5. Some men have no intention of meeting if they do this. They are looking for sext partners to play will before they go to bed. No fuss over dating and investing time and money in a woman that could hurt or use them. 
    I’ve done it 3x, but only after getting to know her and IF she asks after I suggest it. All 3 times the woman’s reaction was extremely positive. 
    You’re welcome,
    A 38-year old attractive, successful guy.
     
     
     

    1. 77.1
      Erica

      Todd,

      it sounds like you were already at a stage where you were exchanging nudie selfies, or at least were sexting with those women. In your case it wasn’t unexpected or necessarily unwarranted.

      With what the letter writer and the female commenters here are describing, though, it sounds more like that parody of the fam0us pop song I saw somewhere, “Here is my penis, so call me maybe.”

      Not only clueless, but honestly really disrespectful, considering they are sending those to women they don’t even know.

  18. 78
    Mitra

    My best friend gave me the sane advice. Well said Evan,…… 

  19. 79
    melanie

    What kind of dating sites are you on? If you’re using adultfriendfinder, than I can see you might get a penis shot but sites like match.com or eharmony, that would NEVER happen as the guys there are usually looking for something serious. 

  20. 80
    Bill

    I just got divorced and starting on-line dating. I was suprized at how many girls send me their phone number after 1 or 2 e-mails without me asking. Now I am wondering if they want dick pics? I met one girl who said she wants to put a book together of dick pics and put it on her counter. Not sure if she is joking but I think it speaks of how common I think this is.   

  21. 81
    tamara

    Omg I’m kinda selfishly-happy that this has happened to so many other women. Btw this is definitely not just for online daters. A man I’d dated who’d asked me out in the mall did this. He’d been serious about me too (as far as I know). When he was on a business trip and presumably lonely, he’d emailed me a penis photo, telling me he really wanted to sleep with me! EWW. He apologised when I got angry, but still. It was a big reason why I broke off contact with him, I’d assumed he was a sleazebag with zero respect for me.
     
    But thanks Evan for letting us know guys who do this aren’t necessarily bad pple, just bad with women. The thing that blows my mind is he graduated from a top university–so actually v intelligent academically. But I think he’s always focused on his studies and then work, and hasn’t much experience with charming women. After reading what u said, I’ve decided to stop holding a grudge against him for this, and to be nice to him if he tries to contact me again. =)

  22. 82
    Tori

    I have just opened a profile on Plenty of Fish.
    I saw a profile of this guy whom I thought had a gorgeous smile andsi  messages to say just that- nothing more.
    he thanked me and said ‘ but i think we r after different thinhs’ and so I said bye. But He kept messaging and so i did too,then we exchanged nimbers and bam! An erect penis picture sent me within 24 hrs of first contact- I reacted by falljng off my chair and hid my shock behind witty te  complimentary texts. But after three more days of phone calls in the middle of the night, of him masturbating and talking I felt dirty. He wanted me to come over for dinner and a play.  I said no i need to het to know hom m

  23. 83
    rob

    I am a man who gets vagina pictures out of the blue, I think women do this more than men do. its wild. I don’t go for this in a woman and I don’t respond to it , I might say very nice or wow because I don’t want to hurt there feelings. but that’s it,   ladies good day

  24. 84
    man again

    Not one woman appreciated the photo when it was solicited by sex chat, why?
    Have the ladies  social conditioning disrupted their animal instincts. The man’s penis is one of the largest for body size, in the animal kingdom, and so females must have been paying close attention and selecting that for generations. Will technology get homo sapiens back to that!?
    Sending a photo creates a fantasy about sharing the pleasure experience, and by that it is likely positive, so he’s still likely to be the nice guy he was before, he wants the woman to know he’s thinking about her. Men form projections of their ideal women instantaneously into a relationship, and that bluntly is a slut, in a nice way. 
    If the photo is completely or weakly unsolicited, and the other person’s boundaries or intent could not have been ascertained, then one could only guess at the person’s boundaries who sent it; they could be socially inexperienced with confused boundaries, or self satisfying predators with boundaries they no longer care about.

  25. 85
    Iridium_moon

     
    Ha Ha! Darcy’s calculation of the percentage of men (‘85%’) who do this, to a resolution of 5%, implies that she’s received at least 17 cock shots.  
     
    ie 17 out of 20 men, or maybe it’s 34 out of 40 … :) 
     
    That’s an awful lot of disembodied penises.  As others have, hilariously, suggested perhaps a montage could be made into some kind of wallpaper.
     
    I’m with Evan on this one. The whole idea is unthinkable to me, and I’m genuinely shocked to hear that this immature behaviour is so ubiquitous.  From a purely selfish perspective, it’s so obviously unlikely to ‘work’ that any reasonably intelligent man would not do it. 
     
    Unless it’s maybe a ploy to select for only those women who are ‘up for it’ on a first date and so prevent a player from wasting time with women who are not.  Although I suspect it’s only very rarely such a relatively sophisticated strategy, being more likely a self-selection of ‘we all know why they’re single’ men. The word ‘w@nker’ comes to mind, both literally and figuratively. 
     
    Although I last month received some texted pictures from two women with whom I’d been house-sitting, displaying their breasts. Both girls are very attractive, and much younger than me. 
     
    I have to say that I really didn’t mind! :)

  26. 86
    Ananni

    Yes, this has happened to me a couple of times also with men I’ve begun dating from the internet – highly articulate, intelligent, handsome, professional men in their late 30’s. First time it grossed me out so much that it caused an argument between us. I love to see and feel a guy’s penis but not in a picture, and not before I’ve seen it in real life. Second time I got a picture like this from a different guy I’d gone on 2 dates with, I pretended to love the picture cause didn’t want to cause him shame, but secretly was like wtf??!

  27. 87
    Unhung hero

    how about a naked pic with the dong hidden. How do you all feel about this? I am always shocked and insulted when I receive any photos like this. It is all to assuming and forward. Immature?

    1. 87.1
      Julia

      Listen, if a man walked to you on the street and pulled it out, it would be assault. If you talked to a man at a bar and he pulled it out, it would be assault. Why is it any different if its in an email or text?

      1. 87.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        Well, technically, I believe pulling it out in public is “Indecent Exposure” unless he touches you, then it becomes assault.

        So phone pix aren’t assault, but definitely indecent, particularly if unsolicited. 

  28. 88
    Unhung hero

    If anyone texted a pic of their dong to me. I would delete it and not talk to that person ever again. Gross!

  29. 89
    Unhung Hero

    thank you julia, but what if he sends naked but covered dong pics. how does this relate to the topic. Claims it is pg-13.

  30. 90
    Jud

    It is sweet, the guy also sings to me on the phone, I’ve known him for years. Not a problem for me in this case. I love it. 

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