Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Evan,
I meet a man via an online dating site, we email back and forth, get to know each other, then he will ask for my phone number. If I like him I will give it to him. Then he will text me. I may even give him my email. This usually leads to him asking me out on a date. So far, so good, right? Well… here is the wrinkle!

About 85% of the men who get my telephone number and/or email do something very bizarre. They randomly and with no warning whatsoever send me a picture of their penis!! Erect!!! Also, they seem to prefer texting and emailing prior to a date, instead of actually calling me up and asking me for a date. But back to the penis issue… is this normal? How is a woman supposed to react? Why are they doing this? I mean, you’re just going through your emails or texts. It’s early in the morning and you’re drinking your coffee… and suddenly BAM! There is a fully erect phallus in your face! Coffee snorted up the nose, all over the keyboard!

I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but this is crazy to me! And these are actually nice guys! Normal jobs, normal-to-great-looking, very polite. I have no problem with sexual banter or even sexting in the build-up to a date or for building anticipation in a new relationship, but normally when that happens there’s some kind of finesse – they don’t just whip out their johnson! Do they??

Evan, is this normal now? Is this what guys do? What should I do or say when this happens? I know it’s not just me, because my friends are having the same experience with the random penis pictures. Any clarification or advice, or just explaining this odd male behavior would be appreciated. Thank you!
–Darcy

Darcy,

On behalf of all men, I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t text a cock shot to a stranger in 1000 years, so I may not be the best person to explain this, but I’m going to do my best, like the amateur sociologist that I am.

Once again, I will reiterate that, although I was a self-proclaimed male slut from 25-35, my work was done before texting and camera phones became ubiquitous. So this stuff was never an option.

What I’m guessing, however, is that, like I wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, good qualities come with bad qualities.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up.

I meant that in relation to men – brilliant men are often difficult, handsome men are often entitled, etc. But it also applies to technology.

For example, the Internet is great, but it’s also caused the polarization of our politics, tons of misinformation, and an endless time suck.

Same with cellphones. It’s very convenient to have everyone you’ve ever met accessible through the Facebook app on your iPhone. But that means that you’re highly accessible, never unplugged, constantly distracted, and a lot more likely to crash your car.

When we look specifically at the use of cellphones during dating, I’ve frequently stated that texts largely signify one thing: “I don’t want to talk to you; if I did, I would be calling you right now.”

I might have to revise that statement.

There are many people who use texts the way I use emails – to send frequent communication throughout the day that suffices as a conversation. I never talk to my own assistant on the phone. It’s all email. And it works for us.

The difference is that it’s highly impersonal as well. Quite conceivably, a man can be texting with five different women at the same time and none of them will know the difference. There’s no time investment, emotional investment, or true information exchange that comes with a series of back and forth one-liners. Which is why, even if texting is ubiquitous, it’s still an objectively SHITTY way of building a relationship. Keeping in touch with a boyfriend? Great. Getting to know someone new? Terrible.

Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part.

What does this have to do with you and your many penises, Darcy? Not all that much, admittedly. I think I just wanted the opportunity to state in public that we’re not going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. Texting is here to stay. And if you’re a woman who values herself and wants a man to make a more personal investment in you, it’s your job to show him how. Otherwise, he’s gonna keep you as one of a half-dozen women on his low-investment texting roster.

You deserve more than that, and you can get it – with the right guy.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up. But don’t keep rewarding men who think that this type of behavior is okay. They’ll exploit it for selfish reasons – not evil – just selfish – and you’ll never get what you want.

As for why men send their penis to you? Two reasons:

1) Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part. Somewhere in their primitive reptilian brains, they think this is a good idea. Objectively, it’s not. I’ve never met a woman who was turned on as much as she was creeped out.

2) Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them. This is probably the soundest psychological premise I could put forth to explain something so patently stupid. “I showed you mine, you show me yours!” or some such nonsense.

What they don’t know is that while most women appreciate a good body – and quite possibly a hard cock – you are really turned on by his wit, his intellect, his drive, his warmth, and his strength. These are the qualities that make you want to be with him sexually, not vice versa.

And so, Darcy, any man who leads with his penis – as you pointed out – isn’t necessarily a bad human being, but he is definitely someone who doesn’t understand what makes women tick.

I allow for many mistakes in the early phases of dating, but think that a penis text is a perfectly reasonable reason to dismiss a guy.

I wouldn’t even want to know what he thinks is appropriate to send to you after he finally meets you.

98
66

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Comments:

  1. 91
    rachel

    This was great!  I accientally came upon an email my boyfriend sent to an online chat friend.  It was of his penis and the email subject was Horsey.  I must be a complete idiot, but I am more curious than anything else. Really odd.

  2. 92
    anon

    Seems like a symptom of men addicted to internet pornography.

  3. 93
    Mar

    Hahaha! I’ve also received a few penis pics.   I’m definitely shocked at first.  Then I think about how sometimes when you’re at  the stage in a relationship where it’s time for sex and it’s a little disappointing.  So, i go along with it.  The penis pic shows up shortly after I’ve given my cell number, I blow that baby up and take a good look at it.  After the inspection I think, well, at least I won’t be disappointed if I ever get in bed with this guy.  But I was wrong.  I received one that did turn into a sexual encounter and you know how sometimes you can take a selfie that makes you look smaller?  Well, I don’t know how he did it but he made his unit look a lot bigger than it was.  If that’s all the relationship is about, so be it.  Hopefully it’s an honest penis picture.  Happy online dating ladies! :) 

    1. 93.1
      Erica

      Nah, unfortunately the penis pic is not at all a reliable indicator of what it will turn out to be like in reality. The man with probably the smallest penis I’ve ever seen (we are talking about the size of a Chapstick) sent me such a pic already after we had been intimate, and all I could do was marvel at how on the pic his, ahem, instrument actually looked to be a decent size.
       
      It’s not a useful piece of information when you can’t see the scale.
       
      As for texting it before meeting: no, I don’t think I’d ever want to meet that man after that. He is just a completely different class of person, if he thinks it’s perfectly all right to send that to a woman he doesn’t know; and I am not in it for charity.

  4. 94
    Chelle

    I think the article is true. Women lower their standards and accept “second-class” status just to keep a guy interested. It’s the equivalent of a “BOOTY-CALL”…he can only do it if the woman is receptive. The world is a big place and with all the males who live in it, surely that one complete stranger online is not the only guy who will ever respond to your dating post. Women need to learn to be more discerning and have higher standards. Also, I am a true believer in letting someone know that an unrequested dick pic is inappropriate and unacceptable. 
    TELL HIM YOU THINK IT’S GROSS AND GIVE HIM A GOOD, HEALTHY DOSE OF SHAME AND GUILT. Likely he will appologize, and he will know you are a quality woman, if he doesn’t, then you drop him immediately.

    1. 94.1
      Erica

      Chelle said (94): TELL HIM YOU THINK IT’S GROSS AND GIVE HIM A GOOD, HEALTHY DOSE OF SHAME AND GUILT
       
      I disagree with this completely. What exactly would motivate me to do this? It’s not my job to teach anyone basic etiquette or reform anyone. I also couldn’t possibly care less whether such a man knows I am a quality woman, nor would his apology mean anything as to our potential.
       
      I say, just laugh it off and move on.

  5. 95
    Karen

    I am so happy to see that I am not the only victim of the 1900 jack off guys.. seriously it does get really old. I have tried several sites for the past ten years off/on.. and this is what I found.. Men that already had gf or wives, Men that were looking for one night stands, or Men that were looking for a home, money, or obviously sex. Most were never serious, Most had so much baggage they would never make it across the borderlands.. lol  Even on FB a man gets a chance to chat at you and he is instantly sending you sexual inuendos and pics of models with no clothes or boob n butt shots.. or he will ask to send pics of him and send u a lil at a time til we get past the hips to the dick of him.. and then he wants to get your number and drive you nuts with begging you to send him porn pics of yourself or to skype so he can see you play with yourself. It is so frusterating for us single women to get on here being sincere honest good people looking for a good honest man and none I repeat none of them are sincere, honest or not into stupid sexting, porn or video porn with you and they are very manipulative with it. For those whom ya actually go to meet they will treat you like garbage.. you wind up paying for your own trip or theres to see each other and there dinners ect. If you go to stay with him in a guest room  you will find he is texting, online dating and talking to several other women and hiding in the bathroom or barn or his vehicle talking on his ph for hours while you sit and wait to go on your dinner date with him.. I wish dating would go back to the old fashioned morals, respectable ways.. cuz along the way we have lost the courtship dating phases and everyone just hops in the sack gets a lil and rushes into and out of relationships like there ordering a big mac daddy at mickey D’s.. so frusterating online dateing sucks. My most recent experience was I was on a dating website and this texan dude contacts me .. we start to talk and text .. and with in the first few days my membership expired and so I text him to contact me on fb and what do ya know walah .. His gf was posting I love you and so was he to her and proceeds to lie to me when I confront him about it.. and I chewed him out for it. We are friends only now and he is still with her but he had been sexting me , and porn talking me and begging me to send him porn pics and talk dirty to him so he could whack off his junk in his trunk.. no respect no honesty, I was so hurt and flustered about it all I still am. He apologized and a finally admitted it was wrong. He still carryin on with innocent gf who lives 7 hrs from him and he works in the Oilfield and she dont know how dishonest he is to her. I aint about to cause fb drama.. so one day she will figure it out as I had to.  Online dating and sexting doesnt lead to a real functional relationship.. It leads to alot.. I repeat alot of frusteration, heartache and tears.  thanks for readin >> Karen and good luck to the onliners.. it never never works.

  6. 96
    carol

    Yes!! I met an amazing guy on a dating site. We texted every day for 2 wks. He sent me lovely ‘good mornings’  and the conversation flowed easily. Then he sent me almosttttt pics of his penis. Then a full pic late one nite. Yes!!! I was impressed!!! But when I said we should meet he made excuses…like the distance would be a problem for a relationship but a friendship would ve okay. So who does that….send nude pics then say just friends!!?? Someone wanting to boost his ego and pkay ganes is my guess. Wgo agrees??

  7. 97
    ELLE

    I’ve received more than my “wanted” fair share of penis pics. Ignoring them didn’t seem to work so I began with replies such as “ewww what is that” or “sorry about your luck, please loose my number”..The men I date now I make a point to bring up how ridiculous it is when someone sends a pecker shot (Hopping to never get one from them), and it works!

  8. 98
    Gbee

    I know it’s useless to complain about but it’s so sad that she has to “explicitly” say in her profile that she doesn’t want dic pics.

    Some people have been victims to sexual assault in real life and this can trigger extreme depression and anxiety attacks for them. I know it does for me, not to get too personal but I just felt the need to comment given my experiences with life and yes, I have experienced two unwanted pics. 

    I am 31 and my mom is 55, we are both on online dating profiles and I thought this was actually funny as I stumbled across it earlier today. The first thing my mom complained about when I asked her how it was going, was dick photos. From 3 different men ranging age 48-65, her one photo is of her face. She asked me what has happened to men. She is really pretty and looks at least 15 years younger than her age and has cute dimples. 

    My mother is into men who are in good shape and tall, no big surprise I guess. I happen to really like chubby guys, which has its own set of problems but I won’t get into that right now. I think a lot of men who are considered “good-looking” are more likely to do this as they have been told this is going to impress women and maybe women who are more into those kind of looks will get the guy who goes to the gym all the time and loves his mirror and stuff. Maybe some women are impressed, I dunno. I can’t talk to someone after they do that to me, it feels like they think I care about their dick and they don’t care to understand me at all. 

    I also think better looking women tend to get a larger amount of them, unfortunately when a man sees a woman as unusually hot, they start thinking they will act like a porn star or something just based on looks. Also these kind of men will only go for the 9’s and 10’s in the room because they think they deserve nothing less. They’re the alpha males who want to show their friends what they pulled last night.  So these women get harassed a lot more.

    Too bad porn is also unrealistic and that’s why those women get paid so much. Sorry but I have a two female friends who have been in porn and neither of them could wait till they made enough money to never have to do that again. Very few women have the amount of sex drive a man has and that’s why some men tend to get selfish about it. 

  9. 99
    Kev

    if this is done by a guy anytime unless together very long dump him. I’m a good guy I would not be happy with a woman accepted that behavior , if they want a date believe me thAt wony

  10. 100
    Demetria

    I have blocked more men in the past few years than I ever thought possible… even had one post his picture on my FB page (settings now revised). Initially I felt completely violated, and simply blocked the men. As the behavior continues, thought I would try something new.

    My revised plan – sending all pictures and contact information to my lovely gay neighbors to play and respond to. Perhaps childish, though my hope was to share the feeling of violation in the slight chance it may change behavior, or at least think twice before mentally violating another woman.

  11. 101
    Erica

    Okay, I’ve been doing a LOT of online dating in the past few months, and I changed my whole perspective on this. I don’t know if this would work as a recommendation, since you either are or aren’t, but just don’t be prudish – it will do wonders for your peace of mind. I have actually come to appreciate the occasional penis pic – it provides much-needed information.

    You see, you all ladies think that men purposely do this to offend you, but they really don’t. They are just turned on by the idea of being with you, they want to make it immediately apparent that they want sex, and they want to know that you want sex with them.

    In the first season of Broad City, one of the characters said she stores all the penis pics on the cloud (or something like that) – in modern-day dating *that* is the attitude to have towards it, really, rather than get all bent out of shape about it.

    Granted, the more sophisticated man would first ask you if you want to see it, but they are not all some kind of evil perverts for doing this.

    Make your peace with it: just like texting, this isn’t going away.

  12. 102
    Demetria

    Lulu.com I say expose the exposures.

    1. 102.1
      Erica

      Yes, start a whole crusade – *that* will make you feel better!

      AND bring results, no doubt.

    2. 102.2
      Karmic Equation

      You don’t get it, Demetria. Men don’t care. They’d probably love it if you exposed them.

      Aside from that, I agree with Erica. Men are just as clueless about what women want (and don’t want) when it comes to pictures as we are about what men want in pictures. Just delete them and tell them you don’t like unsolicited nudie pix. Basically, mulligan his stupid pic and let him know. What he does next is far more telling about his character than that one pic. I’ve had that happen twice. Once I just asked “why the heck did you do that” — Can’t remember his reply, but we had an ok convo after. Another time, I explicitly stated I did NOT want any nudie pix and he sent one anyway and I got angry. Mulligan’d him once but he still couldn’t lay off the sex talk, so sayonara to that guy since he demonstrated he has no ability to adhere to a straightforward request to knock it off.

  13. 103
    Joanne

    you guys might be surprised to know the “dick” pix are not limited to guys under 50. I have had my share too, and when in a serious relationship found my boyfriend was sending these pix in the middle of the night, I guess when he would get up from our shared bed because he couldn’t sleep.. This is a guy with a phd, a very responsible job in aerospace, and a professional sophisticated demeanor… Equally surprising were the 50+ yo women who would send him pictures of themselves… Kind of ludicrous… .
    I think of men I admire, my father, my brothers, who are disgusted by this stuff when i tell them..
    I think it’s a lack of class which is prevalent right now…

  14. 104
    Christina

    Sadly, this has happened to me on MANY occasions, I’ve even had several men whip it out on a date. The texting or emailing a picture I think is exactly as Evan states….they really think that because they’d like to see us naked, that we must want to see their package. I’ve reached the point that when someone asks for my number I tell them “OK, but don’t send me any naked pics. Those can wait till after we’ve met and decide if we’re really interested”. As for whipping it out on a date, sometimes it’s been during the goodnight kiss and suddenly there it is. I even had one guy step in front of me as we were watching a movie (at his apartment complex’s theater room) and bring it out for show and tell. That’s the quickest way to ensure there’s no follow up date. Ugh.

    1. 104.1
      Erica

      Okay, I gotta say, that one is new to me. Guy whipping out his thing without at least some sort of prelude? It’s downright bizarre.

  15. 105
    Connie

    I received a great photo from a guy who is a very good friend. The kind with benefits. We talk for hours and make love often. I loved getting the photo. He is 25. Young men love their penis’s. He was thinking about me at 2am. It made me happy. I sent him back a boob shot and got lots of Mmmmm’s back. A nice prelude to falling asleep.

  16. 106
    Jo

    My solution to the problem of unsolicited penis pics is to change dating sites.

    I have never received a dick pic from a man I have met via eharmony or match.

    Plenty of Fish was rife with married men , and creepers who wasted no time in texting photos of their private parts.

    1. 106.1
      Miranda

      I couldn’t agree more. My experience on Plenty of Fish nearly destroyed my faith in men. Absolutely chocka with perverts of one kind or another. If they weren’t perverts they were weird losers. Sometimes you just had to laugh such as the requests for photos of my feet and the man who liked hairy women. Never had anything rude on Match. The men have been respectable and polite although there are still disappearers. I’m in the UK. I’m not sure if it’s the same in the U.S. 

  17. 107
    cookie

    i used to have a private penis folding when I was online dating … My friends and I would chuckle hysterically every time I added one to the folder. What a bunch of morons ! I would then ask them …. And has this WORKED for you in the past ????
    Seriously ???

  18. 108
    vicki

    Totally unacceptable. You must have the gumption to tell him so and that he has no manners or class and to never contact you again. If you accept disrespect by text then what do you think you will get in person? More of the same. Evan is right about low investment….don’t accept less than what you deserve…men will eventually get the picture if more women will respect themselves. Only give them what you want to give and after you’ve gotten what you expect….it’s a you first situation or you will never win with a man; remember they are hunters and like the elusive prey.

  19. 109
    bee

    Why not forward the penis picture to some other dirtwad guy you’re trying to ditch. Bet it would work….

  20. 110
    Dogar

    hay there, it is A class of different boys and mostly boys are join dating site just for fun/sex , so I think is is not a strange thing for girls bc most of girls want to pass their time on dating sites.
    cheers 

  21. 111
    Lily Rose

    i was led down the sexting road slowly and skillfully  by a very sexy man 
    and I am finding that taking pics of my sweet spread underneath for him 
    mid a huge turn on for me!  He is usually directing what he wants to see
    and his urgency for my pice is a turn on to me, too.  Lily

  22. 112
    Ryan

    But the thing is a lot of men don’t know. They only find out when they aren’t being talked to anymore. I’m guilty of it because I have not many girlfriends and I thought if I did that I would have a girlfriend. This isn’t common knowledge to think all guys know this. I’m 32 and still have no idea. If you women want to help the situation actually tell men about this. Being silent does not help your cause. I understand women don’t want to get played but you also hurt many men by not speaking up. You could lead men to suicide by not helping.

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