Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Why Does He Text Me Photos of His Penis?

Evan,
I meet a man via an online dating site, we email back and forth, get to know each other, then he will ask for my phone number. If I like him I will give it to him. Then he will text me. I may even give him my email. This usually leads to him asking me out on a date. So far, so good, right? Well… here is the wrinkle!

About 85% of the men who get my telephone number and/or email do something very bizarre. They randomly and with no warning whatsoever send me a picture of their penis!! Erect!!! Also, they seem to prefer texting and emailing prior to a date, instead of actually calling me up and asking me for a date. But back to the penis issue… is this normal? How is a woman supposed to react? Why are they doing this? I mean, you’re just going through your emails or texts. It’s early in the morning and you’re drinking your coffee… and suddenly BAM! There is a fully erect phallus in your face! Coffee snorted up the nose, all over the keyboard!

I don’t want to hurt their feelings, but this is crazy to me! And these are actually nice guys! Normal jobs, normal-to-great-looking, very polite. I have no problem with sexual banter or even sexting in the build-up to a date or for building anticipation in a new relationship, but normally when that happens there’s some kind of finesse – they don’t just whip out their johnson! Do they??

Evan, is this normal now? Is this what guys do? What should I do or say when this happens? I know it’s not just me, because my friends are having the same experience with the random penis pictures. Any clarification or advice, or just explaining this odd male behavior would be appreciated. Thank you!
–Darcy

Darcy,

On behalf of all men, I’m sorry.

I wouldn’t text a cock shot to a stranger in 1000 years, so I may not be the best person to explain this, but I’m going to do my best, like the amateur sociologist that I am.

Once again, I will reiterate that, although I was a self-proclaimed male slut from 25-35, my work was done before texting and camera phones became ubiquitous. So this stuff was never an option.

What I’m guessing, however, is that, like I wrote in “Why He Disappeared”, good qualities come with bad qualities.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up.

I meant that in relation to men – brilliant men are often difficult, handsome men are often entitled, etc. But it also applies to technology.

For example, the Internet is great, but it’s also caused the polarization of our politics, tons of misinformation, and an endless time suck.

Same with cellphones. It’s very convenient to have everyone you’ve ever met accessible through the Facebook app on your iPhone. But that means that you’re highly accessible, never unplugged, constantly distracted, and a lot more likely to crash your car.

When we look specifically at the use of cellphones during dating, I’ve frequently stated that texts largely signify one thing: “I don’t want to talk to you; if I did, I would be calling you right now.”

I might have to revise that statement.

There are many people who use texts the way I use emails – to send frequent communication throughout the day that suffices as a conversation. I never talk to my own assistant on the phone. It’s all email. And it works for us.

The difference is that it’s highly impersonal as well. Quite conceivably, a man can be texting with five different women at the same time and none of them will know the difference. There’s no time investment, emotional investment, or true information exchange that comes with a series of back and forth one-liners. Which is why, even if texting is ubiquitous, it’s still an objectively SHITTY way of building a relationship. Keeping in touch with a boyfriend? Great. Getting to know someone new? Terrible.

Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part.

What does this have to do with you and your many penises, Darcy? Not all that much, admittedly. I think I just wanted the opportunity to state in public that we’re not going to be able to put the genie back in the bottle. Texting is here to stay. And if you’re a woman who values herself and wants a man to make a more personal investment in you, it’s your job to show him how. Otherwise, he’s gonna keep you as one of a half-dozen women on his low-investment texting roster.

You deserve more than that, and you can get it – with the right guy.

If you tell him that you’re turning off your phone unless he presses the little green dial button on his, you may incentivize him to step up. But don’t keep rewarding men who think that this type of behavior is okay. They’ll exploit it for selfish reasons – not evil – just selfish – and you’ll never get what you want.

As for why men send their penis to you? Two reasons:

1) Men look for sex and find love. They’re leading with the sex part. Somewhere in their primitive reptilian brains, they think this is a good idea. Objectively, it’s not. I’ve never met a woman who was turned on as much as she was creeped out.

2) Men assume falsely that because they would like to see a naked picture of YOU, that you MUST equally crave seeing a naked photo of them. This is probably the soundest psychological premise I could put forth to explain something so patently stupid. “I showed you mine, you show me yours!” or some such nonsense.

What they don’t know is that while most women appreciate a good body – and quite possibly a hard cock – you are really turned on by his wit, his intellect, his drive, his warmth, and his strength. These are the qualities that make you want to be with him sexually, not vice versa.

And so, Darcy, any man who leads with his penis – as you pointed out – isn’t necessarily a bad human being, but he is definitely someone who doesn’t understand what makes women tick.

I allow for many mistakes in the early phases of dating, but think that a penis text is a perfectly reasonable reason to dismiss a guy.

I wouldn’t even want to know what he thinks is appropriate to send to you after he finally meets you.

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Comments:

  1. 121
    Lisabeth

    I just got one of those pics today!  From a guy who is 44 even.  The thought that older guys don’t do this just isn’t true.  I’ve met him once, we’ve texted alot, and granted the conversation was getting a little risque, but I was not expecting that.  It’s like BLAM, here’s my junk!  I felt like saying I’d rather see his face in a picture.  I’m not offended easily, I guess he’s proud of his bits but really, give us some warning and the option to say yes or no about seeing the photo.   We’ve had many deep and meaningful conversations so I guess he just assumed we had reached that point where it was acceptable, who knows.  As long as he doesn’t ask for a pic from me because he ain’t getting one.   What I don’t understand though, is how does he know I won’t show other people or text it to his mother or boss?  Not that I would, but do they not think of that sort of thing before sending it?  Obviously not…

  2. 122
    Erica

    I think the better question, Lisabeth, would be how you would even have those people’s phone numbers to text them in the first place, because THAT indeed would be weird and stalkerish.

    Anyhow, I have had a few experiences where I really got off on sending pictures of my boobs and my butt to men, because I knew they were turned on by them, and I am guessing that is precisely the reason men send their penis pics – they are hoping for a similar reaction. Obviously though, my pictures were far from unsolicited or unexpected, but still, I was quite surprised at the rush that gave me, and the mere idea that the person on the other end of the conversation is masturbating to my images is a huge turn on.

  3. 123
    Lisa

    Unfortunately this is common place and it is not unique to the dating apps.  It is also the sites where you are allegedly looking for relationships.  It does not matter how conservative your pictures are and if you say you are not looking for hook ups and only for a serious relationship.  This is just how things are these days and it is part of the online dating scene.  For ladies saying the never got these and blaming the women for either flirting or engaging in sexual banter or having too sexual profiles no that’s not the case.  I wonder if the women not getting these are a lot older meaning in their 60s or not getting a lot of messages or unattractive because this is the general experience.   Even if you don’t get a dick lick you are being asked for a dirty picture of yourself or sent some sort of inappropriate sexual message very early on and even the nice guys do it and like the writer says its out of the blue.  It’s actually pretty horrible.  You have to weed through the 99% of guys that act like this to find the 1% that don’t.

  4. 124
    leah

    I have not only had pics sent to me but have been asked to see The Penis not knowing this is what I was invited over to see and during a 15 min work brake!!! It’s creepy and no! woman don’t want to see your junk in pics or real life! Many men think we must like this and what makes its so horrible is not knowing them or knowing them well and feeling as if they think that little of you like your just to what grab it or quickly meet it personally?  They assume we are all set to go for a (even though I don’t really know you) I have  taking it out for your testing and driving pleasure???creepers!!!!

  5. 125
    dj

    I was with a guy for two years, while we were together my dog pasted away I had him for 14 yrs. I was quite upset so my sister took me to lunch and I got a text from him, I couldn’t read it without my glasses so I gave the phone to her and said it say’s  In coming well it was a pic of his penis masturbating and then he became obsessed with the penis  text thing and got pissed because I wouldn’t send nude pic’s to him. Well we are no longer together . Strange first yr he never did any of this

  6. 126
    George

    Darcy, I am so greateful for your candid disclosure of this degeneracy for it confirms my worst suspicions about the type of men that use online dating. First of all, I have been drunk, stoned on ecstacy and not once had my neo- cortex been overidden to an extent as to allow for such desecration of social mores that elevates human above the beast. Just to put it into context, men who sent picks of their privates will not be able to secure an encounter with a sex worker! That ‘s right, a sex escort screens potential clients in several ways, and a pick of his private parts will get him blacklisted on escort forum – he will not be able to book a paid sex session! It is a self destructive behaviour.

    The fact that 85% of men online do this confirms my deep seated suspicion that 85% of men (that’s plain downright degenerate in need of help, what about other  15%?) who use online dating are creeps, and sexual perverts.

    I speak behalf of all normal men when I say that texting your unsolicited picks of yout privates is degenerate behaviour of a mentally ill person – period! Men would not do that even with a wife of 20 years! I repeat, NORMAL men don’t do this. There are no buts and ifs.

    Internet dating is still at its infancy and unlike a bouncer at a club entrance there is no one at the cyber gates to turn back the sick and the twisted. My friend is a bouncer and he can tell them in an instant. These sick individuals are the ones who flood the inboxes of unsuspecting women and inflate thousands of egos while at the same time drive out quality (normal) men out of the game. Perhaps 20 years from now cyber bouncers will come to the rescue, but untill then, good luck to all the women.

    Once again, thank you Darcy for confirming my theory. The real reason why men are dissatisfied with online dating is not women but those creeps. Patients are running the asylem that has become internet dating.

  7. 127
    George

    These men might be battling symptoms of repressed homosexuality for sending private pics of penises is predominantly  a gay behaviour. My sister is a DJ who is exposed to underground gay sub-cultute and she tells me that this is the method gay men use to get to know each other better..

  8. 128
    les

    I usually reply….oh yeah that reminds me…i need hotdog rolls…then i block!!!!!

  9. 129
    Holly

    I just thought it was a man’s low self esteem issue, like “I know you are not gonna like me, so let me show you my enticingly super hard member cuz after all isn’t that what you love?” God, men need to grow up, and stop selling themselves way too short. I would still like them otherwise, tho I have had this happen to me, I just laugh and keep it for sh*ts and giggles!!

  10. 130
    carl

    Girls say they like to see a penis. They are liars.   guys mostly ascarlk if they want to see it first ….Guys actually feel it can turn them on and prove their size. Women are very skeptical and again natural liars. Which every straight man will come to know in time if he doesn’t shut down all together first. Women send pics too way more than they ever admit.   Just the facts.

  11. 131
    Some Dude

    Guy here and avid cock shot sender. However, I cannot stand it when other men do it without asking. They are ruining the game! I enjoy the playful banter of flirting and teasing a girl, and hinting at sexual things before meeting. The idea of enticing a girl to the point  when she wants to see it, is the goal. When she finally admits,” yes, show me” it is her reaction that turns me on the most. The suspense of that moment between firing the pic and her reaction is thrilling. I don’t know if she will like it or not. Then when she responds “wow,” “omg” or something to the effect of how she wants to perform oral sex on me. It’s a huge turn on. By the time we meet, I know it’s a slam dunk and probably getting a blowjob on the way home. One time I met a girl in another country when I was traveling abroad. It was like having an instant girlfriend for the weekend and we were getting in bed withing 15 minutes after picking me up from the airport. Unfortunately, the guys that do it randomly, without asking, I want to repeatedly punch in the face. They are ruining the fun.

    So ladies, now you know. They are hoping for the same reaction but don’t bother to step up their game first. The point is getting the woman to ask!

  12. 132
    Brett

    Am I the only male who’s never sent a dick pic? Sorry, I’m a photographer and my penis isn’t something worth photographing. It’s not like viewing it on a four inch screen is going to make it look any better, either.

  13. 133
    Steve

    I’m involved with a woman that has had an online presence for a number of years. She was divorced and used various forms of social media to meet people. She told me she had received an unsolicited dick pic and it started a conversation. Did that work for any guy ever?

    Not really, but it could catch her attention if it was sent with a good comment and was what she called epic.  If it was someone she had been communicating with and was interested in, a dick pic then might generate a Netflix and chill invitation from her. In fact, there were a couple of guys she was indifferent about and after texting for a little while and they sent one when she was bored and she thought what the hell and invited them over.

    And I guess that’s why guys do it. They’re looking for a woman who enjoys sex and doesn’t necessarily need to be in love to have it. I’d never send one, and never thought it would work, but her experience shows that it does work sometimes. Which is enough of a reason for a lot of guys try.

    End of the day…she realized that although she had some enjoyable sex, it wasn’t leading her to a real relationship  Even the fuck buddy model seemed to be filled with unintended drama for her and was no longer worth it.

     

    1. 133.1
      Erica

      Why would she tell you this, though?

      1. 133.1.1
        Steve

        Because we talk. We share anything with each other. She has a past; I have a past. Someone sending her an unsolicited dick pic started the discussion.  I’ve always wondered why guys would just do that, thinking it would never work and you’d just look like an ass in the process. She was divorced and was at an age where many women are still single. She enjoys sex and wasn’t shy about engaging in it for fun. She isn’t embarrassed of her past. It’s part of who she is. I knew all of this about her before we became involved. Her honesty and willingness to discuss anything is one of the things I love about her.

  14. 134
    who cares

    “good body – and quite possibly a hard cock – you are really turned on by his wit, his intellect, his drive, his warmth, and his strength. These are the qualities that make you want to be with him sexually, not vice versa.”
    So then why are women losing it over abs all the time, without knowing some guy’s or model’s strength/wit/whatever?
    What a boring, vacuous, stereotypical answer – the truth, if there is one, certainly lies in something much more subtle, certain psychological mechanisms that determine when such a thing is attractive and when it’s “weird”; what (prior) context, in person or per text, whatever.
    Reactions can be different to like upper bodies or cocks.
    Also, keep in mind – this site, and the readership, are kind of very feministy, so the attitudes here are about as representative of the whole as, I don’t know, the Vale maids getting shocked at Tyrion’s confession.
    Which is to say, representative of a large portion, but you’d probably have to look outside to really verify that “women hate cock transmission”, or in which contexts they’re opposed to them, or whatever else.

    And so, Darcy, any man who leads with his penis – as you pointed out – isn’t necessarily a bad human being, but he is definitely someone who doesn’t understand what makes women tick.

  15. 135
    Silenciospeaks

    I dont like it when guys start asking for body pictures of myself or when they send dick pictures.  Every single time a guy sends me a dick picture,  I wait for bout ten min and Reply…”umm whoa dude, I guess theses pictures were meant for my mom. My mom left her phone on the counter so Yah  ummm Awkward and thanks for ruining my appetite.”

    LMAO I get the funniest responses or sometimes Ive never heard from them again which is fine by me. I think they learn to think twice before they send a picture like that again, at least without asking first if its ok or not. Every girl should should do this just for the laughs of it. Haha haha

  16. 136
    Deirdre

    Dating sites are only free prostitution for men. When are women going to WAKE UP! We are out there trying to find someone nice, they are only looking for a quick piece of ass. I have several female friends constantly being USED by these internet man whores. They keep on plugging along like it’s ever going to be different. I have one friend in particular who had been doing this shit for 8 YEARS! As soon as she sleeps with them they disappear. She is unfortunately the status quo, and she has horrible self esteem. GEEZUS what does it take to understand this insanity? I’d rather be alone than throw my cat all over the internet. Men are there for sex and they assume women are too. Use the sites if you want to get laid otherwise you are living in your own private Idaho…. you know, the one that tells you you’ll find a real relationship on the freaking internet. seriously…..

    1. 136.1
      Tyrone

      So if the men are looking for a quick piece of ass, whores, or whatever you chose to call it, and these females that you know that are being “used” are those pieces of ass, couldn’t they just use their free will and not give up that ass quickly?

      I don’t necessarily like applying the term “used” to these situations. No one made your female friends sleep with these men  quickly. No one made them sleep with the men at all. They chose to. And it sounds like they didn’t exactly hate it if they are bothered by the guy not calling back afterwards. They didn’t get automatically get used (not saying that this doesn’t happen). But they seem to have had different expectations compared to the men the choose to sleep with. If this keeps happening, it’s a pattern with your friends, their actions and the men that THEY KEEP CHOOSING. There is no insanity here, other than doing the same thing over and over and expecting other people, aka random men you choose to date/have sex with, to change, rather than changing yourself, your actions and/or your expectations.

       

  17. 137
    Susan Taylor

    Most of the men I meet online 1) send pics of their “cocks” as they like to call them and 2) do only want sex and 3) do only text to try and form a ” relationship” – all because THEY think that is all they have to offer.  They are lonely men.  Still, they don’t change and probably never will.  All of them are 55+ in age.  They are totally clueless about what women really want and refuse to learn.  Oh well.

  18. 138
    Andrew Siewar

    Flashing is by itself a big turn on for men. I don’t think that the guys who are answering are explaining the real reason behind why they do it.

    It is like …you know for several years, the portions of your body that have been hidden away from the world and especially women, it gives you a turn on when you show that part to a woman you like. It is like, if you’re a heterosexual woman, wouldn’t you get turned on when you’re in the mood and a guy touches your …well whatever turns you on. Would the same happen when a woman touches you there? No right? In the same way, when men do something that is forbidden and they don’t do usually is a big turn on. Showing oneself naked to a woman who likes to watch is soooooo erotic.
    Do you remember Rose saying that flashing herself to Jack was the most erotic moment of her life up until then?

    Flashing by itself is erotic provided the girl likes it. But if she gets turned off and throws a fit, then it is a repellant and the guy would reconsider whether to date the woman anymore.
    My ex-girlfriend was the only person who used to love gaping at men parts and I used to often pretend some ‘accidents’ and end up flashing. The fact that she was always curious to take a peek was a big turn on. However, I never found any woman like that afterwards. I ended up trying to go back to her every time someone used to say ‘ewww no i don’t want to see any x rated pictures of yours’.

    When you refer to a person as ewww or yuck, that individual gets offended and wouldn’t want to ever come back to you. It indicates to him that the sex life with you would be a fussy one given you are a squeamish person. Like if a picture is offending and ‘ewwwy’, then it is normal to assume that the woman would throw fifty times the fuss when she sees you naked in real or for that matter when you ask her to do a BJ on you.

  19. 139
    Jnine

    I was shocked at first and basically called the guy a perv… He was offended and said he wanted to show me what would be all mine.  In the context of the conversation I have to admit it was really sexy and turned me on.   I mean I am on dating sites to find a husband.   So I appreciate a good cock shot in case the relationship leads to marriage.   If you already know what you’re getting then you can wait until marriage to have sex.   This is also the value of sexting.

  20. 140
    Don

    I would have thought this was illegal. Can they be reported to the police? I have never even thought about it. Though had a married friend (ex-friend now) texted me asking me to send one to her. At the time I had never heard of sexting, so was very surprised. Did not even reply to her and cut ties with her straight away.

    Never knew it was so prevalent. 85%??? That is crazy.  And seems like they are only looking for sex. Or maybe just extreme exhibitionists. And possibly do this to many ladies and hope some respond positively.

    I am in my 60s, so maybe it is a young generation thing. Cannot imagine anyone my age doing something like this, even when they were younger.

     

    Still  think it should be illegal.

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