Why Does My Boyfriend Only Want Sex a Few Times A Week?

Dear Evan,

I have a problem with my boyfriend and our sex life.

I want sex more often than he does. I have never had this problem before in other relationships and it’s starting to make me feel rejected.

We have sex two or three times a week, but the other day I wanted it again in the morning (we had it the night previously) and I came onto him and he pushed me away saying he had just been in the shower.

I’ve always been told I’m attractive and have never had any problems with men before so I don’t know why now. We’ve only been going out for about 7 months and in the beginning (before we slept together) he was really eager, but a couple of months down the line it’s all slowed down. He’s even told me I’m the best sex he’s ever had so what’s going wrong? I don’t know how to handle it.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I get this question as much as any other question. Except for maybe the “He’s just not that into me” question, which takes on many forms.

But I haven’t tried to tackle it until now, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. I’m no Dan Savage/Sari Locker/Dr. Ruth sexologist. I’m just a dating coach who’s dated a lot and spends 90% of his waking hours talking about dating, sex and relationships. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

You didn’t say how old you are, Sarah, and that’s relevant to the conversation. Because a man’s sex drive – and testosterone level – is highest when he’s 18, and a woman peaks in her late 30’s. (If I’m off, forgive me.) What this means is that as our hormones slow down, we meet up with women who’ve never wanted it more. You can see how this can cause a problem.

You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Instead of taking his lack of desire personally, I’d take it to heart when he says you’re the best he’s ever had. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to want to have sex as much as you. You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Plus, one’s sex drive is highly individualized. For many, sex is best when it’s exciting and new. Once you’ve been together for seven months, the attraction may still be there, but the excitement may not be. This is why some men turn to porn, and others, to infidelity. Lust may be enough to start a relationship but, in and of itself, it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. Are there some couples who have extraordinary sex lives? Sure. But there are many more who, after a long day at work, just want to go to sleep.

And that’s another thing to consider – sex, done properly, is a lot of work. It’s fun work, no doubt, but in order to do the proper foreplay and pleasing and switching positions and stamina thing, you need a lot of time and energy. And frankly, we don’t always want to be all adrenalized and sweaty at 1am, especially if we have to wake up at 6:45am….

You might think these are all lame excuses – that true passion transcends time and energy – that real attraction never wanes and that the mere thought of your lover should get you excited. But that’s not true. Not for everybody. In fact, there’s a very crude adage that I heard once upon a time which made a strong impression on me:

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick of fucking her.”

Ouch.

It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work.

I don’t endorse the language, nor do I endorse the sentiment, but the underlying point rings true (for BOTH sexes). It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work. This doesn’t mean you should despair – nor does it mean that your boyfriend’s not interested in sex. From this guy’s standpoint – 2 to 3 times a week is a decent sex life. And if that’s not satisfactory, you might need to consider alternative plans.

I wish you the best of luck.

10
8

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Comments:

  1. 31
    Steve

    Vino ( & Deathslayer);

    I’m not judging anyone. My life isn’t perfect and there are parts of it that I am not happy about. In that way I am just like you and everyone else here.

    Just having been alive for a while I’ve observed that men who are successful with women tend not invest a lot of time in complaining about them, feminists or anyone else( likewise for women ).

    By going on about them, especially in a fora where that is not the topic, you risk giving people the mistaken impression that you are losing out on something in life that is important to you.

    I’m not writing this to offend you. I’m an ordinary human being with my gripes and I think he world would be a better place if people could let go of their gripes.

    It is easier said then done, but find something that pushes your happiness buttons. Keep your attention focused on that as much as you can rather than festering on people who disappointed you.

    You will be amazed at the good things that will just fall into place.

  2. 32
    vino

    “I’m not judging anyone.”

    Respectfully, you are. Now that’s been said, let’s move on.

    Any thoughts on JG’s post? Or my response?

  3. 33
    cinnamon

    So far, I do not find vino’s comments bitter towards women.
    If I could sum up all his posts that I’ve read so far, he is advocating for more open communication in various contexts.

    With respect to JG’s post, I read her post as saying that she doesn’t like when men are paying a lot of attention to women other that their own one (she earlier mentioned watching porn, in this contect) and how destructing this can be for the actual relationship.

  4. 34
    Steve

    No I don’t and without any offense meant I am completely unapologetic for anything I have written. I meant every word truthfully and without offense.

  5. 35
    vino

    We have a winner Johnny! – Someone who gets me. Love ya, cinn. ;-)

    I did misread JG’s post. Thx for pointing it out.

  6. 36
    Selena

    Only 2-3 X a week? Gosh, that was the *norm* in my r’ships after the first month or two when the ‘newness’ settled down. Pretty much stayed that way as well, with whichever person I was with at the time. From what I’ve heard, that frequency is actually higher than average as it is.

    I dunno Sarah, maybe you have a really high drive. If you are an every day at least once, kind of woman then you are unlikely to remain very happy in this r’ship. You might be better off finding someone with a drive equal to yours and/or supplementing with a vibrator.

    If you mainly think your bf *should* want you more to prove something to you–then you’d be advised to take a look at any insecurites operating here on your part. Both genders dislike being pressured for sex when they really don’t want it, so you might want to take Beenthroughthewars suggestion and back off somewhat and see what happens. You only have 7 mos. in, better to find you are incompatible sexually now, than to be complaining about the same thing 7 yrs. from now.

  7. 37
    cinnamon

    Steve,
    I cannot fight the impression that you either didn’t make an effort to read vino’s previous posts, or that you somehow misunderstood them.
    Since there is at least one women on this forum who is interested in hearing his views exactly the way they have so far been formulated, please let us move on.

  8. 38
    Steve

    Cinnamon;

    My posts were addressed to both deathslayer and vino.

  9. 39
    vino

    Sarah G wrote:

    “And, as some of you have pointed out, people aren’t sympathetic in general to that particular plight on the part of the female. It’s a bummer. But I am a big advocate of women taking all matters sexual into their own hands, with a partner or no. (Especially if not.) . . .So that’s my two cents: go out and get it, do it yourself, or set up a big howl.”

    I agree with the post. It works for guys in the same ‘plight’ too. Don’t get the howl reference though.

    Elliot Spitzer, anyone? ;-)

    OK, bad joke, but a joke nonetheless.

  10. 40
    cinnamon

    Steve,
    I’m happy you mention this, because this is exactly the reason I decided to protect vino. As I see it, in your well intentioned attempt to soften the tone of some posts, you accidentally hit the wrong person. You shot a civilian, so to say.
    Pls. read again vino’s post no. 18 in this thread. The attitude he expresses in this post shows in my eyes a lot of maturity, which makes me in turn read his other posts with high interest.

  11. 41
    Sarah G

    Oh. If you aren’t a spoof, DeathSlayer, then I really am not that into you. And I don’t like Vino, either. Even though I am glad that he agrees with me on the topic of self-pleasure, which has largely gone unexamined on this board. It really is a very good way to take care of yourself. But, granted, I’m a newcomer here and perhaps I’ve missed a previous discussion.

    Re: howling — you know. When you aren’t getting what you want and you just go “AH-OOO!!! LISTEN TO ME!!!” Elliott Spitzer didn’t do that. He’s really much sneakier, it seems.

    And just for the record — I have fantastic, non-boring sexual fantasies. But I do not share — they are mine and mine alone. :)

  12. 42
    vino

    Sarah G:

    “I don’t like Vino, either.”

    What specifically about me offends you?

  13. 43
    Lance

    Wow! Everyone is getting their undies all bunched up. I love it! Deathslayer is my new favorite commenter, and by favorite I mean subtle as a a sledgehammer. Do you, good sir, happen to have a blog? I’d love to read further…

    For the letter writer, I think it boils down to something as simple as he’s lousy in the sack and she’s not getting off. They probably need to find new partners, or at least discuss the subject.

  14. 44
    vino

    “Everyone is getting their undies all bunched up.”

    No s&*t. Lighten up.

  15. 45
    Sarah G

    Well, first of all, Vino, I don’t know what your name is about. Is about wine or that eponymous IT platform? Wine is kind of sensual, which is good, but IT platforms are just cold and useful and that’s it. So which are you? Sensual or cold/useful? I do think it’s nice that you always wear your hat when you go out to play (I think it was you who said that the other day), so you get points for that, even though you’re all enraged with the female proclivity to reproduce in unpredictable ways. (See, I’m the kinda female who likes that wild run-with-the-wolves kind of thing, and I’m always ready to let the instinctual have its way with me, but I know that it freaks guys out. You have my sympathies — I can imagine it is overwhelming if you don’t feel it coursing through your blood. It freaks us out, too, truth to tell. Can you imagine having a person growing inside of your body like in “Aliens”??!!) But I have noticed that usually you say mean things and you agree with DeathSlayer. DeathSlayer spoke to me with all those acronyms that I don’t understand (cold, not useful) and sometimes he talks for a really long time. Ya know, he’s just not ready to run with me. It’s all blah-blah-blah-women-men-blah-blah-blah. I think you both protest too much and you’re both just scared. But that’s the right way to be until you’re really sure that you’ve found the one you can adore for a lifetime. Because we are very, very scary. Kisses to you both.

  16. 46
    vino

    Hmmmm…

    Well, if the bottle of 1990 Silverado Limited Reserve Cabernet I had last week is any indication, you can probably guess the source.

    “So which are you? Sensual or cold/useful?”

    – Both :-)

    “even though you’re all enraged with the female proclivity to reproduce in unpredictable ways. . .and I’m always ready to let the instinctual have its way with me, but I know that it freaks guys out”

    – Not going to wholly get into that discussion again. Never said I was enraged. That’s your characterization, not what I said at all. Guys are freaked out because YOU have the CHOICE to OBLIGATE him to child support for the next 18-20 years for indulging your instinctual whim. $200-$300k or more for 18 + years of child support is one expensive lay.

    “I think you both protest too much and you’re both just scared.”

    – Who said I’m protesting? Have you read anything I’ve written in this thread? If you are referring to the procreation discussion – yes. Your whims and control absent my consent over procreation obligating me for 18-21 years is truly frightening. Notice I have no equal right to make you be or not be a parent…

    So let me ask again, what specifically have I done to make you dislike me? I don’t see where I’ve been rude, inconsiderate or similarly offensive.

  17. 47
    Sarah G

    Well, not to me personally, but…ya know, sometimes you just can’t explain it.

    I would never obligate a guy unless we were married and had agreed to have a baby together. I’d take my love child and be a good mum to it. No need to introduce emotional mayhem into a child’s life by involving the guy. And I have a great career, so a man’s money doesn’t motivate me. Not looking to “upgrade.”

    But this has nothing to do with Sarah the letter writer! I say to her, pleasure yourself (ask him if that’s an OK solution first) and then go for it. He might decide to join the party!

  18. 48
    Sarah G

    Oh, too — I highly recommend toys and maybe checking out a site like YouPorn for inspiration. Have fun!!!!

  19. 49
    vino

    Sarah G wrote: “Well, not to me personally, but ya know, sometimes you just can’t explain it.”

    – Nice to see I stir something in you. ;-)

    Sarah G wrote: “I would never obligate a guy unless we were married and had agreed to have a baby together.”

    – That’s great, but I believe you are decidedly in the minority. By a long way.

    Good advice for Sarah, BTW. Same goes for you too. Of course, now you can think of me next time you grab the rabbit! ;-)

  20. 50
    Deathslayer

    Deathslayer is my new favorite commenter, and by favorite I mean subtle as a a sledgehammer.
    *

    Gotta admit, you sir are pretty good with the logic and rapier wit.

    Do you, good sir, happen to have a blog? I’d love to read further
    *
    Sadly, no. I really need to, but I’ve gotta find something worth writing about.

    Oh. If you aren’t a spoof, DeathSlayer, then I really am not that into you.
    *
    Hmmm…let’s see…

    Still need to pay my bills.
    Still need to have food clothing and shelter.
    Still have to get an education.
    Still have to finish watching MEGAS XLR….

    ONE woman isn’t into me…one down, 3,799,999,999 left to choose from. I think I’m cool with her not being into me.

    To vino…this is for you:

    I favor what would be called a “paper abortion”. By this I mean that the father of the child has a say as to whether his wallet can be invaded.

    The father should be allowed to sign away all visitation/financial obligation if he so chooses. Women should not be financially rewarded for pushing out unwanted children.
    If these rewards were taken away, I would immediately buy stock in all forms of female contraceptives, as their sales would skyrocket.

    Time for me to get polically incorrect. I don’t like condoms, period. As a matter of fact, If condoms weren’t around, today’s woman would actually have to engage in monogamy. Because of condoms, men are nothing more than dildos with legs and a wallet. The woman isn’t taking any risks, (disease, pregnancy) so the need for
    commitment is gone. Hence, the woman can go from guy to guy until she gets what she wants. Additionally, condoms greatly reduce the sensation for men. Condoms are a 2-way bad deal for guys.

    Let me paint you a picture of my world if I were king for a day.

    To start with, I would remove the financial rewards that women receive for their decision making. Child support would be VOLUNTARY, not mandatory. Women want to push junior out of the ol’ birth canal?
    Fine. You ladies can pay. For the guy it can be optional. My reasoning is simple. Women have the last say as to whether or not that kid is born. If he doesn’t want the kid and she does, he can’t do anything about it.
    Conversely, and pay attention because this is the key element of my argument, IF THE GUY WANTS THE BABY AND THE WOMAN DOESN’T, SHE CAN HAVE AN ABORTION AND THE GUY CAN’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. You can’t have it both ways, ladies. If mandatory child support was revoked abortions and the sale of birth control pills would skyrocket.

    Women have babies to gain access to our wallets. It’s time we as men band together and deny these prostitutes that access.

    One of the modern expressions of grrllll power is the single mom, by artificial insemination. How many guys do you think are gonna
    rush to jack off into a turkey baster, beaker, etc. if they know that they will get jammed up for child support?

    Classic female myopia.

    These women are in such a rush to grab benjamins from our wallets, THAT IT IS DRIVING MEN AWAY IN DROVES!!

    Not only will we not marry them, (as evidenced by the popular phrase “marriage strike”), we won’t let them move in with us, and we won’t date them. Now, due to their greed, men won’t even participate in fulfilling the “needs” of motherhood without the father.

    Deathslayer

  21. 51
    Deathslayer

    For those who wonder if I am happy or worry about my success with women, I simply say this:

    Every day I go to bed single I consider a victory.

    Every time I can go to the computer store and buy parts and talk to the cute lady tech working the store instead of a woman who considers me a Captain Free Therapist or just a ‘nice guy’, I consider a victory.

    Every time I go to the swap meet and drag home something old, dirty, and parts filled that I need for a project or that will become a project without interference from some shrill harpy, I consider a victory.

    The walls of my domicile are covered in trophies that I’ve picked up in my life, the fact I can put whatever I want on the wall, is a victory.

    Every time I can go out on Saturday night, drink, stay up until 4am, and do whatever I want without worrying about pissing off the Slavedriver, is a victory.

    Every time I finish a long job, ride a bus for an hour, look at the cash in my hand I can spend ANY FREAKING way I want without having to ask what someone else wants or spend money on dinners just to keep HER happy, is a victory.

    The fact I don’t have to make nice with her stupid friends, is a victory.

    My bank account? Another victory.

    Having all my bills paid, A+ credit, no need for credit cards, debt free and having married men wish they had my life? Another victory.

    My investment portfolio? Another victory.

    Freedom? THE ULTIMATE VICTORY.

    Live your life as if everything you do is a small victory and the bigger victories will follow.

    Deathslayer

  22. 52
    Selena

    Have to say Deathslayer, I stopped reading most of your posts, but did read #51 and enjoyed it. I might save that one to remind myself how many GREAT things there are about being single. Thanks!

  23. 53
    Steve

    Selena, you are so right about being grateful for being single. You could be dating someone similar to deathslayer :).

  24. 54
    vino

    ds,

    While I share more in common with your perspective than not, particularly whys of the matter, I do think we’re a bit off-topic at the moment.

    That said, I concur wholeheartedly with your #51. To which I’d add:

    The fact I don’t have to ever hear, “You love your dog more than me!” is a victory.

  25. 55
    Lance

    @Deathslayer: I’m running a contest on my blog…I’d like to invite you to participate. I mean that seriously. I’m looking for fresh, new, or unusual perspetives, and you sir qualify in spades. You can leave your take in the comments section.

    Cheers,
    L

  26. 56
    Eda

    Vino and Deathslayer,

    Given that you enjoy being single and don’t appear to be interested in marriage, a LTR or dating, why do you spend time on this website? My question is genuine as I really am trying to understand what motivates you to be here. What are you getting out of it and what, if anything, do you want women to take away — especially the women who haven’t done anything of the things that you dislike so.

  27. 57
    Selena

    Continuing with the single victory theme:

    Being able to cook whatever I want for dinner, beyond meat and potatoes- a victory!

    Being able to go to ANY restaurant, including those that serve *weird* food ( ie: mexican, Thai,) including those that don’t have steak and potatoes on the menu- another victory.

    Not being wheedled, needled, and barked at for sex all day, just because HE can’t get off when we do it. Whew! victory.

    Coming home to find there is actually still beer in the fridge, (since he wasn’t there to drink it all up the night before)-slurp! victory.

    Not having to buy HIM beer, or cigarettes. victory.

    Being able to spend money on whatever I want, even if it is yet another pair of shoes, another knickknack, or a cheesecake-victory!

    NOT having to be cajoled into helping him buy yet another electronic toy, sporting equipment, or something for his car–victory.

    Not having to listen to how I’d have a great body if I only exercised more (Exercise? Better look at yourself in the mirror, buddy)-victory.

    Not having to hear him tell the same lame stories from his college days, over and over and over, ever again–victory.

    Going wherever I want, whenever I want, instead of where HE wants to go! -Victory.

    Not having to listen to the nagging, whining, complaining, sniping, snarky little comments, because he’s either bored or in a bad mood–Major Victory!

    Boy that was fun to write. I LOVE being single today!

  28. 58
    vino

    Eda wrote: “Given that you enjoy being single and don’t appear to be interested in marriage, a LTR or dating, why do you spend time on this website? My question is genuine as I really am trying to understand what motivates you to be here. What are you getting out of it and what, if anything, do you want women to take away especially the women who haven’t done anything of the things that you dislike so.”

    No, your question isn’t genuine. you seek to make the focus of us personally rather than discuss why Sarah’s boyfriend doesn’t want as much sex. If you read carefully, I seek to get the thread back on subject at every turn.

    I’ll answer anyway.

    – To YOU it’s a given we are not interested in dating, a LTR or marriage. FYI – I don’t know ds or speak for him.

    – Perhaps we see marriage as anachronistic and without benefit to us. Perhaps not.

    – Perhaps we seek information for daily interactions with women. Perhaps not.

    The answer is simple. If you don’t like what I or ds writes, don’t read it. Just as if you turned the tv to a different channel. I thought various viewpoints are welcome. Or just the ones you like?

    And Selena,

    “Not being wheedled, needled, and barked at for sex all day, just because HE can’t get off when we do it. Whew! victory.”

    What?!? He doesn’t get off in the old 2 minute bump-and-snore? I thought that’s why it was 2 min… ;-)

  29. 59
    Deathslayer

    @Deathslayer: I’m running a contest on my blog I’d like to invite you to participate. I mean that seriously. I’m looking for fresh, new, or unusual perspetives, and you sir qualify in spades. You can leave your take in the comments section.

    *
    Well, then, I’ll have to check it out and join the party.

    You could be dating someone similar to deathslayer :).
    *
    I DO love compliments. I AM quite the catch…chicks dig me.

    What are you getting out of it and what, if anything, do you want women to take away especially the women who haven’t done anything of the things that you dislike so.
    *
    Simple.

    I’d really like women to answer three main questions:

    1) How does marriage and relationships benefit MEN these days?
    2) What is the difference between dating and escorting and marriage and prostitution?
    3) How many women actually know what chivalry REALLY means and why do they confuse this with manners, especially if they are on the receiving and and men on the giving end?

    Deathslayer

  30. 60
    Deathslayer

    As for the original topic…it kinda reminds me of the old joke where a man goes to visit a prostitute.

    The usual things occur and she looks at him and says…

    ‘Who do you plan on pleasing with that little thing?’

    The man replies ‘Me’.

    So, if she is hypersexual, it really has nothing to do with the man, it’s all her.

    As THE RULES say, when a woman orgasms, it has nothing to do with what a man is doing, it’s all in her head. Think about it.

    If this same guy went to another woman and wanted sex 2-3 times a week, how many women would say he wants sex WAY too much?

    He’s doing the same thing he’s been doing, but how many women would say he’s not giving her enough sex?

    As for Sarah, if she chooses to stay with the guy, he probably has some other qualities that make her want to stay. However, if the worst thing she can complain about is his desire for sex is less than hers, then he probably should let her go find a man obsessed with getting sex and nothing else.

    I kinda see some selfishness in her post, to be quite honest. She seems to be complaining about HER needs rather than THEIR needs. I may seem off, but isn’t sex SUPPOSED to be the physical expression of LOVE between two people who care about each other? Why then does it seem that Sarah has more lust than love?

    Deathslayer

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