Why Does My Boyfriend Only Want Sex a Few Times A Week?

Dear Evan,

I have a problem with my boyfriend and our sex life.

I want sex more often than he does. I have never had this problem before in other relationships and it’s starting to make me feel rejected.

We have sex two or three times a week, but the other day I wanted it again in the morning (we had it the night previously) and I came onto him and he pushed me away saying he had just been in the shower.

I’ve always been told I’m attractive and have never had any problems with men before so I don’t know why now. We’ve only been going out for about 7 months and in the beginning (before we slept together) he was really eager, but a couple of months down the line it’s all slowed down. He’s even told me I’m the best sex he’s ever had so what’s going wrong? I don’t know how to handle it.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

I get this question as much as any other question. Except for maybe the “He’s just not that into me” question, which takes on many forms.

But I haven’t tried to tackle it until now, because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say. I’m no Dan Savage/Sari Locker/Dr. Ruth sexologist. I’m just a dating coach who’s dated a lot and spends 90% of his waking hours talking about dating, sex and relationships. So take what I say with a grain of salt.

You didn’t say how old you are, Sarah, and that’s relevant to the conversation. Because a man’s sex drive – and testosterone level – is highest when he’s 18, and a woman peaks in her late 30’s. (If I’m off, forgive me.) What this means is that as our hormones slow down, we meet up with women who’ve never wanted it more. You can see how this can cause a problem.

You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Instead of taking his lack of desire personally, I’d take it to heart when he says you’re the best he’s ever had. But that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to want to have sex as much as you. You’re equating his sex drive with his attraction to you, and they’re not entirely correlated.

Plus, one’s sex drive is highly individualized. For many, sex is best when it’s exciting and new. Once you’ve been together for seven months, the attraction may still be there, but the excitement may not be. This is why some men turn to porn, and others, to infidelity. Lust may be enough to start a relationship but, in and of itself, it’s not enough to sustain a relationship. Are there some couples who have extraordinary sex lives? Sure. But there are many more who, after a long day at work, just want to go to sleep.

And that’s another thing to consider – sex, done properly, is a lot of work. It’s fun work, no doubt, but in order to do the proper foreplay and pleasing and switching positions and stamina thing, you need a lot of time and energy. And frankly, we don’t always want to be all adrenalized and sweaty at 1am, especially if we have to wake up at 6:45am….

You might think these are all lame excuses – that true passion transcends time and energy – that real attraction never wanes and that the mere thought of your lover should get you excited. But that’s not true. Not for everybody. In fact, there’s a very crude adage that I heard once upon a time which made a strong impression on me:

“Show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a guy who’s sick of fucking her.”

Ouch.

It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work.

I don’t endorse the language, nor do I endorse the sentiment, but the underlying point rings true (for BOTH sexes). It takes a lot of work to keep repeated sex with the same partner interesting; a lot of people aren’t up for that kind of work. This doesn’t mean you should despair – nor does it mean that your boyfriend’s not interested in sex. From this guy’s standpoint – 2 to 3 times a week is a decent sex life. And if that’s not satisfactory, you might need to consider alternative plans.

I wish you the best of luck.

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Comments:

  1. 91
    Shenanigans

    Deathslayer,

    You are awesome. I wish you were my boyfriend.

    Women hate to give even a pinch more than they think they should have to. Then they wonder why nobody wants them.

    Give him what he needs, and he’ll give you what you want.

    Really.

  2. 92
    Deathslayer

    Just shoveling gravel folks, just shoveling the gravel.

    Deathslayer

  3. 93
    JerseyGirl

    I think the lack of response from the women, in Deathslayer’s story, has less to do with women thinking they can only please men with their vagina’s as women thinking that that is all men ultimately want based on the message men themselves often give women. Lets be honest, men aren’t running around saying how much they want a woman to treat them right and play golf with them. Men often talk about sex and how women look. WHile I understand men want other things then just looks and sex, it is often the message men themselves give women that sexand looks are most important to men.

    Women are bombarded with messages from men about how much men think about sex, how much men want sex, how much men spend looking at other attractive women. How much men value looks in women. And while other qualities are more important then these other factors, it is often men themselves that tend to focus on the sex/looks part then the other aspects such as playing a round of golf with him.

    The issue I have with your posts in general DeathSlayer is that you seem to think all the problems between men and women is all women’s fault.

  4. 94
    Deathslayer

    The issue I have with your posts in general DeathSlayer is that you seem to think all the problems between men and women is all women’s fault.
    *
    You do have a point.

    So, guys…if you don’t want the headaches of jumping through hoops to get a woman’s attention,

    * to be a gladiator looking for Ceasar’s thumbs up or thumbs down

    * to have to meet a woman’s list of things YOU as a man have to bring to the table, to risk rejection and dismissal just for trying to spark a relationship

    * to pay more for her interest in you than she would in trying to get you

    * to have to keep traditional standards of men sacrificing while she gets to pick and choose which she wants

    then men, JUST SAY NO!!! Leave that for men brainwashed into thinking they should accept all this just to get a woman these days.

    Seriously ask yourself men WHY is the mating game so hard these days and are you really benefiting from playing it.

    Guys, stop falling for the okey-doke. The things your elders told you are relationships and marriage ore now obsolete these days. If you don’t get her, move on. If you meet a good one, trust but verify. Playing these tit-for-tat GAMES and psychological warfare leaves you zero energy to even have a smile.

    If you seriously ask a woman does she need or want a man, she’ll say no. Expect some denials here, but they will honestly say NO. Yet in a few moments say they would like someone to spend time with, who likes them and they can enjoy.

    Then tell them to follow successful Japanese women and hire a male geisha or pay for a man like many other older women are doing. They get what they want, and so do the men.

    But, Death…that’s prostitution using men…yep, it is.

    Then again, even hear a woman say that she wishes she could have that sort of relationship with a man…just business with zero emotional attachment…or

    a woman who talks about being strong, independent doesn’t need a man and yet when I asked her why she said she didn’t want a man who was afraid to talk to her yet she was too scared to talk to a man who was looking at her at her health club, she got silent and then said that ‘it’s different for women’?

    Two different women and conversations? Nope, SAME woman and the contradiction occurred 5 minutes after the first statement.

    Men, once you learn to stop playing the games, stop jumping through hoops and be the fish that doesn’t need the bicycle, the maybe men and women can try to get back together.

    As things are now…I’ll say it before, and I’ll say it again…

    You want a relationship with a good woman…go where women are taught and raised to respect men. It’s THAT simple men. Go Your Own Way.

    Deathslayer

  5. 95
    vino

    Background theme – this thread is about sex. So the majority of responses here will be abut sex.

    JerseyGirl wrote:

    “I think the lack of response from the women . . . based on the message men themselves often give women.”

    Wow.

    “Lets be honest, men aren’t running around saying how much they want a woman to treat them right and play golf with them.”

    Jeeze.

    “Men often talk about sex and how women look. WHile I understand men want other things then just looks and sex, it is often the message men themselves give women that sexand looks are most important to men.”

    Huh?

    “Women are bombarded with messages from men about how much men think about sex, how much men want sex, how much men spend looking at other attractive women.”

    Eh?

    “How much men value looks in women. And while other qualities are more important then these other factors, it is often men themselves that tend to focus on the sex/looks part then the other aspects such as playing a round of golf with him.”

    Incredible.

    “The issue I have with your posts in general DeathSlayer is that you seem to think all the problems between men and women is all women’s fault.”

    Well, JG seems to think everything is the responsibility of men. From the first quote to the last, women are the poor victims and the men are the evil troglodytes that only focus on sex. The animals.

    Funny thing is that DS gave specific things outside of sex. Rather than acknowledge this at all or discuss it further, she ignores the HUGE point DS made, blames men & victimizes women.

    Talk about being tone deaf.

  6. 96
    Eda

    I think that women come to the belief that men only want sex for various reasons based on a combination of personal experience as well as social/cultural conditioning. I realized I came to that conclusion for one primary reason it was a way to protect my ego. For me, the truth was many of the men I had dated only wanted sex from me. Some of them went on to have LTRs. So, it wasn’t true that they only wanted sex they wanted relationships too just not with me. It was hard for me to admit that fact because it made me feel like less of a woman. What was wrong with me that sex was the only thing these men wanted? If I were prettier, thinner, younger, smarter a better woman, they’d want more than sex. But, as with most things in life, when I was really and truly honest with myself, I realized that sex was all or the best thing — I thought I had to give. I would never say that out loud and if you asked me, I would have a long list reasons why men would like me. You know the list funny, intelligent, caring, etc., But my own actions (having sex before the guy know me and I knew the guy) not my thoughts or my words — revealed what I really believed. Once I really believed and acted in a way that indicated I had more to offer, then suddenly it seemed like fewer of the men I dated were only after sex.

    I think sex is important to men (and it is important to women too!) I think men only want sex from some women. And, there is nothing wrong with that. (Some women only want sex too!) But, there are men lots of men who want more. I think it is a disservice to men to say that All men only want sex. Just as it is a disservice to women to say that All women are only interested in a man’s money.

    Finally, I think we should all admit that the problems between men and women and due to the things that BOTH men and women do. For every man who has been wronged by a woman, there is a woman who has been wronged by a man. But, what I also know and see everyday are men and women who love each other deeply for who they are — not what they do; not how much they make, or not what they look like. That’s what I want, and I’m going to be bold and say that’s what most people want too.

  7. 97
    Deathslayer

    But, what I also know and see everyday are men and women who love each other deeply for who they are not what they do; not how much they make, or not what they look like. That’s what I want, and I’m going to be bold and say that’s what most people want too.
    *
    Funniest thing…you’ll find that women who respect their men make better choices in men, talk to older women who have long lasting relationships with their men and who learn what to ofer a man besides sex.

    Show a man how you can benefit HIS life…and he’ll consider sex a bonus, not a requirement.

    Some people seem to feel that being wronged makes this a hard thing to swallow…no, it’s constant hearing that you shouldn’t say anything about it and it you do, be nice about it.

    Sorry, that just puts a band-aid on a bullet wound–to look at the original post, she says none of her OTHER men complained, but she’s complaining about a band aid sized wound to the man and making it bullet hole. Honestly, if a man has to deal with this sort of hassle in a relationship, why NOT just go for sex? It cuts to the chase and the games. If you as a man want a woman for more than sex, CHOOSE WISELY…DON’T ignore red flags or look at her just physically…studies show that looking at an attractive woman screws up a man’s reasoning.

    So, if you ever have a woman like the OP and she says you’re not sexual enough for her, look her in the eye and honestly say…

    I survived before you
    I’ll survive with you…
    I’ll survive after you

    If the only thing you have to complain about me is I’m not sexing you enough, you don’t know HOW good you have it.

    Just know, you can get a man who meets your ‘needs’, but trust me, he can meet other women’s needs to.

    It’s cold, logical and straightforward, but it leaves her with the choice and the RESPONSIBILITY to decide whether she wants a good man with faults or a sexual man prone to cheat.

    Deathslayer

  8. 98
    old showbiz quote

    “You get the audience you deserve”, Evan.

  9. 99
    JerseyGirl

    “Well, JG seems to think everything is the responsibility of men. From the first quote to the last, women are the poor victims and the men are the evil troglodytes that only focus on sex. The animals. ”
    —————————————————————————–
    That wasn’t the message I was trying to deliver at all. I don’t consider women victims or men “evil”. And I don’t even understand how you read into my comments and turned it into that. I was just trying to make the point that sometimes the message women get from society and men themselves, that sex is a huge major important deal to making a man happy.

  10. 100
    hunter

    to JerseyGirl,

    Sex makes a man very happy, when he is in his prime

  11. 101
    vino

    JG, I write this for clarity’s sake. I’m not trying to argue [well, maybe a little ;-)] or antagonize.

    If you look at my #66 post above, it goes with this also. I think women are conditioned from a pretty young age to think that “all men want is sex.” I think you are exhibiting some of that now. BTW, we do want sex. We also want to be cared for (not in a nursing way) and respected.

    I think ds’s point is that a good, healthy, successful relationship depends on what a woman does for a guy outside of the bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, sex is important, it’s just not the only thing.

    With all due respect, you seem to be ignoring ds’s points when you wrote, ” Lets be honest, men aren’t running around saying how much they want a woman to treat them right and play golf with them.” Yes, they are. Maybe not golf, but SOMETHING where you demonstrate your love, respect for, and interest in him besides simply being with him.

    “I was just trying to make the point that sometimes the message women get from society and men themselves, that sex is a huge major important deal to making a man happy.”

    You are right. So am I. I think you do make my point in #66 for me in that women are conditioned to think that’s all men want. To be fair, men, particularly under age 25, probably don’t give many contrary indications to this notion.

    Here’s the big question, though – Knowing that guys want more than sex only for a successful relationship, what are you prepared to give? Because from what I read, simply showing up isn’t enough.

  12. 102
    Jogusto

    It seems a shame that so much energy is wasted on this topic. Let’s face it: everyone will not be in perfect sync with the other when it comes to wants, needs, and desires. If you want a good relationship, you MUST learn the art of patience, compromise, and appreciation. Instead of asking, try giving. Instead of complaining or wondering, give praise and show commitment.

    If you really value this person and your relationship with them, then you need to GROW UP (I don’t mean that as an insult or in a mean way) and realize this give-and-take thing is what it’s all about! And, masturbation doesn’t hurt either.

    Time will bring the ebb and flow back around to the flow part of the cycle. What have you done for him, lately? (cha cha cha!)

    Peace!
    –The Jogustinator Maximus

  13. 103
    April

    This problem in similar to the one i’m having but i’ve been dating the guy for almost three years and we are both 18. we’ve started having intercourse earlier this year and it was at a decent intervals. maybe three times a week, then it increased whenever we were not busy. But almost three months ago almost all physical activity has stopped even kissing. Mostly because i’ve been busy, where he has told me he has missed me, but whenever we are alone he doesnt engage in anything, not even a hug. Now im not busy and we have time to be with eachother, beli;eve me i’ve given him signs, and he just doesnt seem to want to. :/ so its not that bad when your just starting to date someone, but after three years…you gotta start to wonder if your serious relationship is starting to get old. Im still young so im not too worried about it, but it really sucks being in it still and wondering if he is interested in you after all that time.

  14. 104
    Nicole

    I think the main point that was missed here, by the commenters and even Evan, is that she’s feeling rejected. I know because I’m going through the same thing. Our sex life has slowed down and everytime he tells me no, I feel extremely unpretty and unsexy. Not so much now as when it first started happening, but I still feel rejected. It’s not about the sex, it’s about feeling wanted.

    It’s been suggested to masturbate. I used to masturbate once a week, if that. It’s increased to once a day or more. The other day I masturbated 4 times and after the last orgasm I burst out in tears. It’s not the same. It doesn’t feel the same physically or emotionally.

    I’m 20, he just turned 21. Like Sarah, we’ve been together for about 7 months now and he’s told me I’m the best sex he’s ever had. He’s even told me I’m the prettiest and sexiest girlfriend he’s ever had. I’ve never had a relationship or sex with anyone besides him, so it’s easy to guess that do to my inexperience, I don’t really know how to handle this.

  15. 105
    MamaNavyBrat7

    1) How does marriage and relationships benefit MEN these days?
    His CS will be lowered (in many states a spouse and other children in the household will lower CS regardless of whether children are bio or step)
    Not having to troll for a no strings poa.
    2) What is the difference between dating and escorting and marriage and prostitution?
    Marriage/dating means when the wallet gets tight you are still there (I said tight not bankrupt).
    Escort/prostitution she/he will be gone and you will be sexless as soon as the money dries up.
    3) How many women actually know what chivalry REALLY means and why do they confuse this with manners, especially if they are on the receiving and and men on the giving end?
    Chivalry was an ideal never actually fully achieved.
    CS at 18 2-3 100k in years. My 13 1/2 yr old daughter won’t have even received 12k when she turns 18. And no she wasn’t a unilateral decision. Not everyone gets the average amount. Remember those averages include people like Jim Carry’s daughter who receives 150k a month. The vast majority of single moms live in poverty (and the liberal government folks like it that way because it gives them an excuse to raise taxes for child care etc programs. Single parenthood is incentivized for the poor.)
     
    I live in that relationship where he was a man whore for 15+ years and has depleted his sex drive. I was very stingy about sleeping with random men (hence the landfill that has all those vibs with burnt out wires) so I want it more than once or twice a month and he doesn’t. If he’s still non sexually affectionate and attentive than by a vibe and let it go. I’d kill to have sex 2-3 times a week with him (whom I have been in love with since 16 — yes guys he popped the cherry). For now porn, vibe and the occasional girlfriend will have to do until my sex drive slows down in a decade.
     
    But the point is that the all of the reasons are to give the lower earner something by way of monetary benefit. Why not be a responsible adult and not expect someone else to pay for it?
    Not necessarily. What if you lose your job after a partner dies and you had children? The higher earner can get SS while they are looking for a new job. Not everything is so cut and dried.

    How about getting married because you want to be married to that person. Because it looks good to the courts to be married not cohabitating (lets face it half or more of all kids have parents who are no longer together and any leg up in a custody case is a good thing). Because people so treat cohabitation differently (i.e. it is a second class status). And many companies will not provide med ins to cohabitating couples (and I know of more situations where her med ins is cheaper than his so she pays for med ins.)
     
    Notice that sex ISN’T the first thing they want in a MARRIAGE MATE. The amount of sex means NOTHING to someone you REALLY want to be with. LOVE & RESPECT are. Find a woman who can make a man FEEL and THINK that and who is consistent in that…and she’ll never run out of men who desire her. and a man who never has to worry about his woman loving him is a man who WILL stick around for YEARS, not just months.
    Amen.
    If you seriously ask a woman does she need or want a man, she’ll say no.
    Sorry I both need and want one. Of course I have the one I want so….
    Our sex life has slowed down and everytime he tells me no, I feel extremely unpretty and unsexy. Not so much now as when it first started happening, but I still feel rejected. It’s not about the sex, it’s about feeling wanted.
    And now we hit the nail on the head but she is hyper focused on an act and most likely making her guy feel like a$s.

  16. 106
    Sheila

    Evan thank you for this post.  In my own relationship I have most everything I want except for the amount of sex I desire.  My bf said the same thing about the testosterone levels as his reason for lack of desire.  I still struggle with this but most recently have began thinking that perhaps I look to sex to fill the need I have to feel loved.  And instead of looking to him I have been looking at myself and asking am I missing a void that exists in me. 

  17. 107
    kiki

    From a wise older man:
    A woman’s aggression
    Ever hear the old saying “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”?
    A guy might get disgruntled and a bit pissed off when a woman he wants to sleep with turns him down, but turn down a woman who wants to have sex with you (for whatever convoluted reasons) and she will absolutely hate your guts.
    During my freshman year in college, my Residence Hall Assistant (upperclassman with light admin duties for the floor and the general purpose of helping kids adjust to college life) was a guy who was 6’8″. For part of that year he “dated” or hung out with a woman who was 4’10″. One day I heard terrible crashing sounds coming
    from the hallway and poked my head out to see her kicking the $#$% out of his door.
    “He’s not there” I said. “YES HE IS” she shouted back at me. She kicked the door a few more times and I said “If he was in there, he would surely come out to see who was trying to kick down his door and why.”
    I invited her into my room to sit down and calm down. She was babbling on about how she knew he was in there and was just afraid to come out and face her. Now there is a fascinating concept which shows the lie in all the feminist drivel about Domestic Violence.
    At 6’8″, the guy weighed about 250 lbs even though he was skinny as hell. This “little woman” weighed maybe 90 lbs, if that. Yet, she was totally convinced that he was afraid of her. Why? For the same reason that a badger or wolverine can drive a bear many times its size off a kill – pure, raw, unbridled aggression unrestrained by any decency or civil/interpersonal values.
    Now, the really interesting part is just why she was so pissed off.
    “Do you want to hear the lame-assed excuse he gave me for not sleeping with me?” she asked.
    “No.” I responded.
    “First of all, I am not the least bit interested in his sex life.
    Second, he has a right to his privacy.”
    Men apologize to women because if they don’t women will continue to attack them viciously, relentlessly, in any way they can until the guy does apologize. The guy could have batted her away like an annoying pup if he had chosen, but he was restrained by a value system which limited his aggression and the level of his attacks,
    while she suffered from no such limitations of civility and decency. Women throughout this culture are given social permission to go as psychotic as they feel like and they know it will be excused by the cultural perception of women’s uncontrollable emotionality.
    Look at all the people who jumped to the defense of Andrea Yates
    for killing her kids or Clara Harris for killing her husband while his own daughter watched.
    Over the years, the most vicious attacks I have endured from women have come as a result of refusing to sleep with them. Flying into a screaming hysterical rage is one of the favorite tactics of women to take men off guard and manipulate their reflexes to throw them into the fight or flight arousal complex. Because men are so socially conditioned that they should “never hit a woman” under any circumstances, the option of fighting is unavailable to them so they flee the emotional battleground by admitting guilt and apologizing.
    It is the equivalent of waving the white flag of surrender.
    Most of the women I have observed over the years are emotional terrorists. It is so acceptable in this culture that women can proudly wear “Bitch!” t-shirts etc, and also love the saying “if mom isn’t happy, then NOBODY is happy.”
    Men apologize because women wear them down with these tactics and most men are worn out enough from trying to make a living that they will give away just about anything for a little peace and quiet when they get home.
    “A guy gets up at 7:00 so he can make it to the work battlefield by 8:00, why the hell would he rush home so he can get to that
    battlefield by 5:30?”
    This is just one of many areas in which women quite successfully play both ends against the middle. They have the cultural fiction behind them that women want relationships more than they want sex, and more than men want relationships. But, they count on the fact that the man actually wants emotional intimacy and closeness more than they do so they can use that as a weapon against men and hold the relationship hostage to their whims –
    “you’d better do what I want, or I will ‘break’ the positive feelings between us!”
    Men are always going to lose this game of emotional brinkmanship unless and until they learn how to play it and become willing to play it. When a woman says “I want you to leave” or sets your stuff by the door, say “OK” and be outta there. It won’t be 24 hours before she is calling you begging for you to come back and playing all sorts of sweetness and seductive games to try to lure you back within her range.
    Deathslayer
    _____________________________________
    I am only speaking for myself when i say WOW this was sooo spot on!
    I mean as a female who is going through this very thing (i want sex way more than my bf) i read this article and really got a whole new outlook on the whole situation. I am pretty petite and I do get very resentful and angry when my bf turns me down.  but i do admit that there are nights when he wants sex and I’m to tired and dont feel quilty at all.
    I feel really selfish now and feel like i should give him a break. im 24 and my libido has always been really high and when we first met he matched mine and we were in sync. now its work and family and i can really see how sex wouldnt be number one as he is providing for us and working so hard to make sure we are happy and comfortably living. affection and sex and love will be always be number one on my list but i am going to back of him and appreciate the fact that i have such a great guy like him. Thanks DS

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