Why Does the Guy I’m Seeing Like Me More Since I Told Him I Was a Virgin?

 

Dear Evan,

I really hope you can help me with this predicament.  About a month and a half ago, I met this guy at a bar, the day after I had just ended a very short and confusing juvenile relationship.  He seemed like a stand up guy and we flirted and talked a lot.  I needed to take things slow because of where I was in life—just out of a relationship and just having graduated college.  On our fourth date, the issue of race and religion came up.  We are different religions and races, mine being more conservative on both accounts, but I told him I make decisions on the future of relationships based on each individual person.  The issue of sex also came up, and I was straightforward, truthful, and tactful and told him that I made a personal choice to not have sex outside of marriage and that I was a virgin.  He said that was great and he really respects that.

It was after this conversation that he seemed to change.  He started calling me almost every day, and on our fifth date, he told me that I had “most of the qualities he looks for in a woman.”  He wanted to define the relationship, which I was not ready for at this point.  On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote “I don’t want to scare you away but…you sort of…complete me”   Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things “got that deep” but would want our children to know about his religious background.  I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.  I like this guy but whoa!

I freaked out at this point, and withdrew a little.  When I tried to talk to him about everything, he made light of the comments.  Although, when I pressed him about the reasons why he liked me so much, he listed, in the following order:  1) that I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across and that he respected that, 2) I was “cool people” to hang out with, 3) we got along well, 4) I was educated.  What am I to make of this guy?  I expected reason #4 to be higher on the list, and reason #1 to be lower.

What are your insights?  Should I end this for good?  Is he crazy?  Am I crazy?

Effei

Virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

A multilayered question from a booksmart girl. Where to begin?

Let’s start with the virginity thing.

I’ve answered questions from virgins before and really feel for them. It’s not easy having a moral code that is out of step with the majority of the world.

Then again, virginity can function as a selling point. Witness Exhibit A who suddenly decided he was in love with you once he learned that you had a hymen.

Frankly, that’s a bit messed up, and I’d be concerned if I were you.

Now I’ll admit – I don’t fully understand the virgin until marriage thing.

I don’t understand why a man would prefer someone with no sexual experience whatsoever. It’s like trying to train an employee to type when you’re used to people who can type 75wpm.

And I also don’t understand it from the virgin’s perspective. Sex doesn’t have to be procreative. It doesn’t have to be with someone you love, although it’s nice. And sex is, by most accounts, a really fun pastime. Not only is it a great way to kill twenty minutes before you go to sleep, but it’s also an exhilarating bonding experience between two people….

And until you have experienced that sexual bond with a few men, you really have no idea what’s out there.

It might be easy to say that you only want to save it for your one and only, but what if your one and only doesn’t please you? It’s like assuming you wanted to be a doctor for your whole life, but learning in med school that you actually hate it. People do this ALL the time. There’s no downside in doing your research. And yes, having sex with other men besides your future husband can be considered very fun research.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

Lest anyone fly off the handle, I’m not saying Effei should go screw a stranger at a bar. But maybe having sex with the first man she falls in love with BEFORE she gets married would be a decent idea. Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.

Anyway, this is really about your new guy, and I’m more concerned about him.

It’s a very common male psychology to exalt the untouched – to value the new car instead of the old car, etc. But that psychology plays to the age-old double standard – men are studs, women are sluts. Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree. And this guy is scrambling to climb it as fast as he can. But what happens when he takes a bite? What happens, Effei?

Neither you nor I know the answer. But I’d be pretty concerned. See, his change in tone with you made one thing very clear to me – he’s not enamored with YOU; he’s enamored with what you REPRESENT. And that’s dangerous – as dangerous as a woman liking a guy because he’s rich. Wealthy men are always on the lookout for golddiggers, with good reason – they’re often very good at masking their intentions. Your guy isn’t. The second he heard you were untouched, your value to him skyrocketed. And it shouldn’t. You’re the same woman you were the day before.

Which is my big worry.

The same guy who puts you on a pedestal for being a virgin might take you down a notch when you’re not.

So while I’m tempted to tell you to dump this guy, I would urge you to continue take it slow and let him reveal his true intentions.

He IS going too fast, he DOES seem insincere, and you DON’T want to be objectified because you’re different.

Please come back and let us know how it went.

Evan

P.S. Get over the idea that men should value you for your education. It’s not that education doesn’t matter – it’s that it matters FAR LESS than the things that he DOESN’T possess himself. Like sex, for example.

0
0

Join 8 Million Readers

And the thousands of women I've helped find true love. Sign up for weekly updates for help understanding men.

I hate spam as much as you do, therefore I will never sell, rent, or give away your email address.

Join our conversation (69 Comments).
Click Here To Leave Your Comment Below.

Comments:

  1. 1
    Steve

    I don’t know why given who I am and the experiences I have had, but I have always found the attitude many men have about virgins to be a repulsive attitude. I’m not a feminist, but the way I see it that attitude makes commodities out of all women. Virgins are fresh, unspoiled goods. Non-virgins are used, despoiled goods. Women are people, not produce. Blech. If I was a chick, I would do a 180 degree turn and dump that guy.

  2. 2
    Cathouse Teri

    Very valid points from Evan. I especially liked this phrase:
    “Somehow, by not being with anybody, you’ve turned yourself into even MORE of an object, the shiniest apple at the top of the tree.”

    There is much to be concerned with about this guy. His thinking is all messed up.

    But in my opinion, there is no reason to discuss your past sexual experience (or lack of it) with someone. Especially that early on. And it almost seems as if Effei makes too much of almost “flaunting” the virgin idea. And then bristles when it’s the thing that got a man’s attention. It’s none of his business if she’s a virgin. Or if she’s had a hundred men.

    While I realize that they were discussing religion, and the virgin thing fell into that category, it really is something that ought to be more protected. As a personal issue. Not casting pearls before swine, and all that jazz.

  3. 3
    Karl R

    “I was a virgin and that that was something hard to come across”

    This makes it sound like virginity is something that he wants to come across. Unless his religious / cultural views towards premarital sex are similar to yours, this is sending up a red flag for me.

    However, I think Evan overstates the case against virginity. A recent girlfriend of mine was a virgin. She certainly wasn’t the best lover I’ve ever had, but she was far from the worst. A little creativity, enthusiasm and communication go a long way in bed.

    And if I’m potentially going to be with a woman for the rest of my life, I’m not too worried about the short period of time it takes her to learn “typing skills”.

    “what if your one and only doesn’t please you?” … “Test driving the vehicle before buying it is rarely considered poor etiquette.”

    I’ve always been able to learn a lot from making out and a little light petting. A test drive doesn’t need to cover the entire map to get a feel for the vehicle’s handling.

    Effei,

    If your religious and cultural beliefs are important to you, by all means keep them. They probably will slow down your search for the right man. But there will be men out there who share those beliefs, and who value you as a person. There will also be men who value you enough as a person to respect your beliefs, even though they don’t share them.

  4. 4
    JuJu

    1) What Evan said.

    2) Effei, and do I ever hope you come back and read the comments, you have no idea what you may be getting yourself into if you don’t have sex with the man before marrying him (and many times).

    Due to inexperience you may just be thinking that sex is just sex, all sex is the same, and so on (I can’t remember now what my own conceptions of sex were before I had it, but I am certain I wasn’t aware of the variety of possibilities).

    Well, sex is not like pizza in a sense that even if it’s bad, it’s still quite good. Maybe, maybe, it is like that for men, but I don’t really think that even that could be true. It is entirely possible to have a sexual experience the mere memory of which may nauseate you or make you shudder.

    Another thing you can’t know yet is that sexual compatibility is just as rare as any other kind.

    I attended a religious lecture once advocating abstinence before marriage, and the speaker stated that out of LOVE for each other, the two people in the marriage will potentially be able to adjust their respective techniques (not necessarily true, by the way – not everyone is capable of love in the bigger sense of the word). But let me tell you, there may be things present that are outside of your partner’s control. I won’t even mention the proverbial size. There may be something on his body or skin that you won’t be able to get over. There may be something about his bodily functions (perspiration, erection, ejaculation, and, well, orgasming itself (they are not one and the same, and I am getting too graphic already)) that will not agree with your preferences (which you are not yet aware of because you don’t know how different things can be with different people).

    Finally, you and your partner may have entirely different ideas of how sex should transpire and its place in a viable marriage.

    It’s like buying a house after only seeing the facade.

  5. 5
    Miranda

    As someone who, for religious reasons, has also decided to wait for marriage for sex, I have to disagree with some of the above statements. For example, the whole “what if it’s bad” argument. If I’ve never been with anyone else, I have nothing to compare it to…so how will I know if it’s not “spectacular” or “mindblowing”? I believe that it will be great when I get married (aside from any physical issues, obviously), not because of anything physical, but because of the commitment and love that it represents….and yes, I’m sure I’m not going to be the best when I first get married, but I would feel safer and more comfortable “learning the ropes” with the person I’ve committed myself to for the rest of my life than with some random guy I don’t even know anymore. But…that’s just me.

  6. 6
    sara

    I would strongly agree that waiting until marriage is not necessarily the best plan. Its a great in theory for some, but not necessarily in practice because you never know what you are in for until it could be too late. Case in point….my first serious boyfriend (not my first time though) was selfish and cold in bed. We broke up because of sex. He talked about settling down, having kids and I cringed at the thought of procreating with him. After we broke up I thought thank god I didn’t marry him! He was cute, fit, good family background, good job, etc ……he was something I would obviously consider for marriage. But sex was a nightmare because he wanted it on his terms only. He had no real interest in ensuring I was enjoying myself. It was the old get in, get off, roll over and sleep. Talking to him did nothing. Positive reinforcement did nothing. Bluntly asking for X, Y, and Z did nothing. No one should suffer through bad sex in dating, let alone a marriage.

    For the love of god….be aware as others have said, that sexual compatibility is EQUALLY as important as overall compatibility in a healthy successful lasting relationship (or marriage). Whether you have sex before the “I do’s” or not, you MUST be aware of this. Don’t assume that a ring on your finger and you are “in love” means you will have great sex.

    And I don’t think this guy is right for you in my opinion.

  7. 7
    A_L

    I’m currently traveling and had to stall here at the internet cafe to await an e-mail from a friend and decided to see what the latest was here. Boy was I glad I did!

    Quote of the day from Karl: I’ve always been able to learn a lot from making out and a little light petting. A test drive doesn’t need to cover the entire map to get a feel for the vehicle’s handling.

    Amen to that! From some of the previous virgin friends some of you may know that like Effei I’m one of those waiting-until-marriage folks, and I’ve come across this issue before. When a guy first finds out he tends to be rather stunned that he’s dating a virgin and it can stun him and his senses a bit and make him sound like a real toad. If he quickly pulls his act together and starts acting like a normal guy again, keep him, and don’t fault him for his momentary lapse. But if he continues to bring it up, drop him like a hot potato. Evan’s advice is right on there.

    And I find Cathouse Terri’s advice quite interesting in light of several threads where people talk about their tendency to have sex after X number of dates, where X is usually a number that would come up far sooner than a month and a half. If there’s a guy you’re interested in you don’t want to turn him off unecessarily. If things are progressing slowly on the physical front then you want him to know the lack of speed isn’t necessarily correlated to your level of interest. And if things are progressing quickly, then you don’t want him to think you’re just a cock tease. A difficult place to be put in.
    I’m not saying you should anounce your virginity on the first date, but after you’ve had some makeout sessions, the issue will come up.

  8. 8
    JuJu

    Miranda,

    it all depends on how important sex will be to you in the relationship (and bear in mind that the level of this importance may change over time).

    I’d say for me it’s, like, one of the three or four most important things about living with someone. I can’t allow it to remain an unknown when going into this situation, because it’s just such a huge chunk of my potential happiness with the man.

  9. 9
    Honey

    Miranda–

    You’ll know if it’s not spectacular or mindblowing. There is no mistaking it.

    And to both you and Effei, while techniques can be learned, so much about sex is about compatibility on such an incredibly visceral level that there really is no way to know unless you try. If you’re not having sex with the person, it’s easy to mistake your own sexual frustration for sexual tension/compatibility, only to discover that you’re never going to be fully satisfied in that relationship. Maybe that’s okay for some people, but not for me.

  10. 10
    Sam

    Going against the grain is always difficult and reason for the use of caution. I believe that everyone has a right to his or her beliefs when it comes to their sexuality so discussion on how “wise” Effies’ decision is to abstain should not be the issue. People choose their lifestyles based on their up bring, culture, experiences and personality and a whole host of other variables. What will make one person happy will be pure misery for another.

    As someone who has made a similar decision to Effie, I am sure it was not made lightly or on a whim. In fact given the way sex is pushed at you from all angles, it is one of the most important decisions I have made in my life.

    One man’s meat is another man’s poison. I have chatted with guys who on learning I was a virgin and not looking to change that state in the near future, basically distanced themselves. And then there were others for whom I became a fascination and they chased me even harder. Neither types of guys were interested in me , the person.

    One thing I have learned is that time is your friend. If you take the time to get to know a guy and pay attention, sooner or later he will let you know by words or deeds what he is really about. And I don’t recommend letting a guy know too soon that you are a virgin. I usually let them know first thing that I am not into casual sex. and then if that hasn’t run em off wait for a while to see how things go.
    Hang in there.

    SOnot work for anouther whose experences and expectations are different and i think that a persons decision should be repsected.

  11. 11
    Lance

    Sex is absolutely a skill that is learned, practiced, and worked on through repetitions and, hopefully, with at least several partners. I’ve discovered this over the last year or so as I’ve had a sharp spike in the number of partners I’ve had and my bedroom skills have increased dramatically. If you’re going to remain a virgin until marriage, you’re setting yourself up for a) relationship failure, or b) a very mediocre sex life. I hate to compare it like this, but sex is exactly like learning a sport. You need reps, you need coaching, you need lots of PT to get really good…

    Also, I want to say a few words about having reference experience. I’ve had several exes where I thought the sex was fantastic. Compared to my previous experiences, it was. But, compared to the experiences I’ve had lately, my old experiences PALE in comparison. Like, my old experiences went from an 8 to a 3. If you have no reference experience, you won’t know the difference between okay and good, good and great, and great and mindblowing.

    If you’re a virgin you’ll find that actual great sex is vastly different from the sanitized and romanticized version you see on TV and in movies. If that’s your only reference experience, you’re in for a surprise.

    My recommendation: do your future hubby a favor and get thee a multitude of partners!!

    1. 11.1
      AnotherAnnie

      As a married woman in her 40’s with 3 children, your comment (Lance) is amusing to me on many fronts. First off, I have been married for 14 years, and my husband is the only man I’ve ever been with. You are right, without much experience, you don’t know if sex is good by the world’s standards or not. You really only know if you like it or not. Your experience that was previously rated an 8 that was downgraded to a 3? If you’d never had a more sexciting encounter, you’d have never missed it! You would have been fairly content with what you were getting. Secondly, over the years, sex within my marriage has not been one experience over and over – it is not exactly the same every time. Sometimes it is mind blowing, and other times it is boring. Sometimes we have sex three times in the same day – or every day for several days in a row, and other times there seems to be a dry spell, or a sudden infrequency that might be alarming if we didn’t have such an open and honest relationship about what’s going on (or not going on for that matter). In a marriage, sex is an important part of life, but it is not THE most important part. Our relationship has thrived through highs and lows – exotic vacations, periods of unemployment, the addition of each child, bouts of depression, periods of contentment, hospitalization, romantic getaways and date nights, illness, etc. Thank God that each of us feels love and compassion for the other far beyond sexual satisfaction because as circumstances change, so too do our sex drives, our sense of adventurousness, our desire/willingness to try new things. Could I tell my new husband what turned me on or what I liked when we first got married? Not entirely. We mostly had to learn by trial and error, and we had fun figuring it out. My husband was not a virgin when I met him, and maybe in the beginning I wasn’t the best sex he’d ever had, but by this point, I can say with confidence that I am. I didn’t need to sleep with a lot of men to achieve that status – just tried lots of different things with the same man. Many people think that being married to one person and only ever having sex with one person would be boring, and for some that may be the case. Funny enough, the longer we are married, the better our sex life gets because I’m more and more comfortable and confident, and I do know more about what I like and don’t like. We know how to please one another by this point! My advice to Effie – find out why this man cares so much that you are a virgin. I mean, is he also a virgin? Had he told himself that women are so slutty that he was going to marry the first virgin he met? Mature people would be able to discuss these things. Ask lots of questions Effie, and you will be able to discern if this guy is worth your time or not.

  12. 12
    downtowngal

    I don’t think Effei’s virginity is the real issue here – I think this guy is moving too forward for her and it’s creeping her out. If he truly respected her he wouldn’t make an issue out of her being a virgin.

    If a guy wanted to set his life plan with me after 6 dates – and I weren’t into him – it would make me feel weird.

    Effei, hold your ground. Some may not agree with your decision to wait till marriage but you are demonstrating self-respect, which is awesome. Besides, your young. You’ve been giving this guy a chance and you can decide if he’s what you’re looking for.

    And Evan, your advice on having Effei ‘test drive’ before marriage is repulsive. You may not agree with her decision, but these are Effei’s values and it’s a very personal objective. Effei’s still young and she sounds very self-assured. If this is the wrong standard for her she’ll discover it on her own, and eventually figure out what’s right for her.

    At the end of the day, having self respect is the best way to get what you want out of a relationship.

  13. 13
    starthrower68

    I do think this guy seems fairly creepy so I can understand Effei’s concerns. However, character and integrity count. Effei, don’t you worry about what anyone else thinks. Be true to yourself first and foremost.

  14. 14
    Cathouse Teri

    I also think Effei’s choice to remain a virgin until marriage should not be the discussion here. In fact, I was even surprised that Evan went off in that direction. It is a very personal choice. My oldest son chose to remain a virgin for a number of years. It was not a religious choice. Nor was it a choice that had a certain goal in sight (love and/or marriage). He simply did not want to participate in sexual activity before he felt comfortable with it. He had several girls break up with him over this because they interpreted this as a rejection and his lack of desire for them. I say one is well rid of such potential partners.

    One very basic necessity in a partner is their utmost respect for your beliefs. They don’t need to agree with nor adopt them. But if you feel strongly about something and they can’t respect that, then it is best to move on.

    On the other hand, you will run into people like this man, who are intrigued by your resolve. And challenged by it. And see you as a trophy to be gained. This is very much someone to run from.

    As for the need to discuss your virginity with a man in order to prevent him from thinking of you as a cock tease, this is a concept I can’t even begin to back up. First of all, if you have chosen chastity until marriage, I would assume you do not do everything sexual leading up to “the main event” and then put up the stop gate. Secondly, there is no rule regarding on which date to have sex. Much debate surrounds this, but if you are one who already goes against the grain with the virginity plan, then likely you are used to thinking outside the box on this.

    And incidentally, since discussion has surrounded this extensively here, I do not at all agree that there is a need to have massive amounts of sexual experience in order to be good at it. Sex within a relationship is a physical expression of what is going on emotionally and spiritually between two people. It is very natural. I am sure that one can cite account after account where someone married and found themselves to be physically incompatible. But I would wager that those statistics cannot be justifiable, as too many variables can be involved. Such as, they are incompatible in other ways, too. It is possible to be a virgin and yet educate yourself about sex. If you have an open mind and are willing to communicate about it, you’ve won more than half the battle.

  15. 15
    Jennifer

    A couple of things:
    1. what is a more ‘conservative’ race? Not starting anything, just curious if effei could come back and clear that up

    2. I’m not a virgin. Never believed in waiting until being married to have sex. But she does, so we should let her. I don’t think effei feels this way because she’s never heard of some of the arguments people are making. And hitting her over the head with our views isn’t likely to change her mind…if anything it’s more likely to make her discount all of our (good) advice in general. Sex is important to me. I have some friends for whom it is not. When i talk about the craziness i’ve dealt with in the name of good sex they look at me like i’m on crack. when they decribe sex as ‘pleasant’ and that’s good enough for them, i wonder if they should get a check-up from a doctor. But we are coming at the sex issue from two totally different sides and never the twain shall meet. So it is with effei so I hope everyone can let go of trying to convince her how quesitonable her decision to wait is. Not because i disagree, but because it seems pointless to me and may be doing more harm than good.

  16. 16
    lyn

    The problem isn’t that Effei is a virgin, it is that this guy (who I’m assuming is not a virgin) became more into her when he found out she had no sexual experience. Men who specifically look to marry a virgin, when they themselves are not virgins, usually do so because of sexual issues (this isn’t guys who just happen to end up with a virgin, but those that seek them out or become more interested upon that mere fact). Whether it is lack of sex drive, size issues, an attempt to hide the fact that they are not attracted to women, etc. the “virgin seeker” usually has some confidence issues where they would rather the woman not have a reference point to compare them to.

    If you’re a virgin for religious reasons, then find a man who shares your values, and abstains for the same reasons you do.

    And if you are truly in love with a guy who isn’t a virgin himself and are going to marry him, have sex with him before you actually sign your name on the line… a few times. You’d still be learning with that person you love and are committed to, but it won’t be too late to bail if the experience is horrible!

    1. 16.1
      Jes

      Any actual Data to back up your claim Lyn?

  17. 17
    mic

    Many men want virgins. That virginity would be a positive to a man does not mean something is wrong with him. For example, it suggests that she’s less likely to stray. It might also predict a stronger chemical bond on her part, if it’s true that “the first cut is the deepest.”

    The other comment missing from the discussion is that it’s very likely not virginity by itself that is making the woman more attractive to the man in question. It’s virginity plus physical attractiveness, in an adult woman in the Western world and not of, say, a very conservative religious sect. That’s very rare – and Evan pretty well explains the appeal thereof. How would people be reacting if he had listed “beauty” in that top 4 – would that be any worse than listing “virginity”? Most men and many women in budding relationships would list it if they were being honest.

    1. 17.1
      Jenny Ravelo

      1) It obviously depends on the culture but in the western one it’s not the case UNLESS the man in very young, religious or a virgin himself.
      2) Rarity is not necessary a good thing, in many cases it’s a sign of social misfitness.
      3) Some men might find it cute, but there’s a difference between this and thinking that virginity is the most valued thing a woman can offer. When this is the case, it hints the desire of objectificacion and confidence issues.

  18. 18
    JuJu

    That virginity would be a positive to a man does not mean something is wrong with him. For example, it suggests that she’s less likely to stray.

    That is some faulty reasoning. Based on what bit of wisdom do you make this conclusion?

    All right, personal example: I was a virgin back when I started dating my ex-husband (I married very young). He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was my first partner in every kind of sex. One of the reasons I eventually left him was that I wanted to have sex with other people. I was not at peace with the idea of having sex with one and the same man for the rest of my life.

    I heard the exact same sentiment from other women as well.

  19. 19
    Jennifer

    I agree with JuJu in post #18. I would be wary of dating virgins for that very reason. Just because she is a woman doesn’t mean she wouldn’t be sexually curious, which is what Mic’s comment seems to imply.

  20. 20
    mic

    If a virgin is religious and not very young, she probably is going to be less likely to stray (or leave). Since this is already getting away from the field of image consulting and of course prompting replies from the people who object, to stick to perceptions – if you ask a large random sample of people whether two very similar women who differ most significantly in how sexually experienced they are, most would be more surprised if the one with much less experience proved to be the less faithful one.

  21. 21
    JuJu

    I am amazed there are still people who think this way. It’s from the same series of myths as women supposedly not caring what the man looks like (all originating from the time when women simply didn’t have a choice).

    Guys, we are a different gender, not a different species.

  22. 22
    Cute Redhead

    Evan: only 20 minutes?!!!

  23. 23
    Cathouse Teri

    Effei said:
    On our sixth date, he tells me and I quote I don’t want to scare you away but you sort of complete me Later, my friend, who had double-dated with us, tells me that he told her that he would consider converting for me if things got that deep but would want our children to know about his religious background. I hadn’t even agreed to be his girlfriend at this point.

    Sixth date? Complete me? Converting? Children?

    It’s likely that by now, the guy has thrown up several more obvious red flags and Effei has already moved on. (I hope… I hope…)

    1. 23.1
      Goldberry

      They just sound young to me… she must be the first girl he’s fallen in love with.

  24. 24
    mic

    Actually, excluding marriages arranged in childhood, women probably have usually had some say historically. Also, if the past was anything like the present, where money seems to have won over looks, there likely is evidence of former good looks (Donald Trump). Maybe most of all, there probably wasn’t as much variety in physical attractiveness as there is now. Anything, it’s nice to hear that myth railed against and to be able to comment on it.

    Question that probably won’t be answered: how attractive is the man the virgin writes about? Stereotype of the less attractive person wanting the relationship more. And if that’s true, would Effei be paying as much attention to the red flags if her admirer were a handsome guy?

  25. 25
    Cute Redhead

    I don’t know what Effei means by race — maybe she means culture. I know that India is much more conservative sexually than is the U.S. (no porn, no kissing/sex in movies, both men and women virgins at marriage, arranged marriages — and no, not from birth). Muslim countries or countries with a large Muslim population (Lebanon, Pakistan, Iran, Iraq, etc.) are also much more conservative sexually. These types of culture clashes are becoming big issues on the international stage politically — non-Western cutures want the development that comes with globalization but reject the Western ideas of romance and sexuality that come with it. So Effei’s choices may be religious, cultural, racial (in whatever sense she means that), national, personal, all of the above. And in my view, more power to her — though living in a culture that doesn’t even acknowledge any other point of view regarding these very private issues is certainly challenging. I’m sure there are men from her background who would understand her choices without fetishizing her.

  26. 26
    hunter

    to JuJu on post #18

    …just wondering,…your ex didn’t let you see other men? hhmmhh…..

  27. 27
    hunter

    ….just maybe, “E”, is already bonded to this man and is asking us how she might go about breaking that bond. She has to start seeing other men as soon as she can….if she wants to let go….

  28. 28
    Someone

    I want to make a comment about this since life has changed and the majority have so many liberal points of views about sex. I am latin american and in my country people have gotten liberal, having sex before marriage, etc, but not everyone is like that. I am a 21 year old virgin woman, who have chosen to stay virgin until marriage, and have found a man who is 25 virgin man who shares my same views. His mother raised him with certain values that have made him respect me in a huge way. We are currently having a Long distance relationship that will end soon because I am moving to where he is.He is very sexually attracted to me and while we have been distant he has always asked me to do things via web cam and pictures to satisfy his pleasures.

    Many people now think that if you don’t “test drive” your partner before marriage is possible that your marriage is a failure. and I believe is a lie. Me and my boyfriend are very open about sex, we always talk about it, and talk about the things we would like to do, sexual positions, fantasies, very explicitly. We had non-traditional sex that doesn’t involves penetration but we are still happy wit ourselves. We do things to satisfy ourselves sexually in a huge way, and if we feel insecure one day thinking that maybe one of us aren’t happy because we aren’t happy actual sex we talk about it openly. Of course we plan on having real sex soon but when we have been stable with are lives substantially and in the professional level. Condoms and anti-birth pills exist to avoid a pregnancy but I just don’t want to use them, just in case because you never know.

    Just talk openly about sex, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to but being sexual is important in a relationship and that doesn’t involve penetration, when you save something important for you to your partner is more meaningful. I believe people who sleep around are just empty souls looking for love.

    Love yourself first, then your partner, have an open communication, and talk about everything you love and hate. You can love passionately and sexually your partner without losing your virginity. You just have to be creative.

    Sex is important but a relationship should not be focused on sex, if it is, then is a ordinary and superficial relationship. I value my partner for the sacrifices he makes for me, not how good he is in bed, even though I know he is multi-orgasmic and I believe that is a great attribute he has, but if he weren’t any day is a good day to learn something new, sex isnt difficult, so I don’t understand why many people find it so difficult.

  29. 29
    mic

    An interesting thought, to follow some interesting (non-typical) perspectives on virginity:
    Despite the stereotype of virgins-waiting-until-marriage as rather non-sexual people, doesn’t that scenario require a moderate amount of initial physical attraction (or chemistry) to instill confidence that the sex life, and in turn the health of the marriage, will be decent?

  30. 30
    Someone

    I am a virgin, but that doesn’t mean I am not sexual. Since I hit puberty I always touched myself, and have fantasied millions of time of losing my virginity. My boyfriend too, obviously he masturbates to the extreme, is obvious. He is a virgin of course he needs that for relief. He comes from a catholic backround, and I come from a evangelic backround, we are both christians and we were raised with the typical perspective of losing our virginities after marriage with the right person.

    But since many people are afraid of waiting and marrying the wrong person, then that is understandable. But when you take your time to say everything you feel to your love one, all the details of your life, past, present, what you expect in the future, how you want your sexual life to be, how do you want to have sex, where do you want to do it, then why you should have a problem with that?

    And of course, why is so difficult for many people to be compatible sexually? If sex is so simple. I am a very passionate person, my boyfriend is too, we are both latinamericans, I am puertorican,, he is venezuelan and italian so, that is natural in us. You can easily know how a person is in bed, for the way that person talks to you, treats you, caresses you, kisses you.

    As a woman I am always to my bf, and I tell him that I like to be respected, that I don’t like to feel used, and that I rather wait. Since the begining we talked about it. My boyfriend was raised without a father, his mother played both roles, and talked to him about everything, including sex, and she taugh him how to treat a woman, and that he should marry a decent girl.

    My boyfriend confessed me that growing up without a father who didnt talked to him about sex and life, made him feel unconfortable, and since I came into his life he has been very open and happy, because we have talked about everything, the good things and bad things about sex.

    When he moved to miami, years before knowing me, he hated the place. He doesnt like the woman there, they are pretty easy and slutty, and he always dreamed of having a decent girl, with good morals, and in Miami, there is free sex everywhere, he never feel into that trapt and keept being strong, and waited for a decent girl. His brother on the other hand, is very promiscuous, and since moving to Miami, always brought random women to his home to slept with them. When he got to Miami he told my boyfriend that the women of Miami are very different from Venezuela and he is not going to find a decent girl in this place. So he rather sleep around with girls and playing with her feelings without having any emotional attachment and feelings for them. I feel sorry for his brother really. He is in a relationship with a Cuban girl who has a son of another man, they are just friends, she thinks they are a couple but she is getting fooled.

    I don’t want to live a life like that.

    1. 30.1
      Mich

      Someone, no one needs to masturbate.  Sex outside of marriage is a sin, including self with oneself, aka masturbation.  Your boyfriend should go to confession and get spiritual guidance to stop his sinful habit.  You should repent also and pray for purity of heart.  The bible says it’s a sin.  Also, if you have that sinful habit it trains you and may make both of you unable to have married sex b/c you have trained your bodies in ways your spouse may be unable to replicate.  Your body is not for you to abuse.  It is the temple of the Holy Spirit, and when you marry, a mutual gift to your spouse.  Jesus says it is better to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin than to go into hell with both hands.  Those are strong words.  He will give you the grace to live purity, if you ask for it.  I will pray for you and your boyfriend.  Peace

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>