Why Men Should Say No to Sex

Why Men Should Say No to Sex

I’d like to hear your take on how a guy can smoothly handle the condom issue early in the dating relationship (assuming things get hot and heavy on the first few dates before the “safe sex talk” comes up). 

For example, on the first few dates, the guy is not sure if he is going to ‘get lucky’ or not with the woman he’s dating. 

If things start to get intimate early on, the guy is going to look pretty tacky if he just whips a condom out of his pocket when it’s time. The woman would probably think, “The jerk must think I’m always easy that he put a condom in his pocket EXPECTING sex!”

So what’s he supposed to do to make this go more smoothly? If he just whips out a condom out of his wallet, she’ll probably think he’s looking like the promiscuous high school football star. 

The guy could just not bring condoms on the early dates (so it doesn’t look too obvious that he’s just out for sex), and hope the woman has one in her belongings or at her place. But then the woman could be thinking the guy is not very responsible, and he’s leaving it to her to bring the goods.

Perhaps the guy could put some in his glove compartment and tell her, “Hey, I didn’t know we were going to get intimate on this 1st (or 2nd) date, but I do have a condom in my glove compartment, I think.”  It would chill the sudden hot intimacy while he has to dash out to his car, but how else does a guy not look like a jerk in this whole process if things get unexpectedly sexual early on? 

Thanks.

Jim

Dear Jim,

First off, kudos to you for asking this. It’s not only a fun question, but an original one, as well.

Second, you’ve clearly thought this through, although I’m quite sure I don’t agree with your final conclusion.

Dashing to the car to retrieve a rubber from the glove compartment? I know you were going for some sort of compromise between prepared and unprepared, but this isn’t it. Might as well turn on Jay Leno and pour two glasses of milk, because your mood has already been ruined.

So let’s discuss the two alternatives you brought up and allow me to counter with one that you don’t seem to have considered.

You’re right about the perception of the guy who carries the condom in his wallet. I did it myself for years and got nothing out of it, except for a bunch of wallets with raised ring outlines. And, as you acknowledged, it comes off as a bit too slick and tacky. While being prepared is usually a good idea, the negative connotations outweigh the benefits of preparedness.

The other idea you came up with is not bringing condoms on dates, in hopes that the woman is prepared. This is a far better scenario, and I don’t believe that it indicates that you’re not responsible. Rather, it indicates that you didn’t expect to be in the position to have sex.

But what I want to posit with the rest of this post is a mind-blowing new take for men on how to deal with sex and early-phase dating.

Don’t do it….

See, that’s the supposition underlying all dates: “When are we gonna have sex?” And although sex can make things very exciting, it often leads to disastrous results.

Unless both parties are on the same page with either an exclusive relationship or an agreed-upon casual relationship, it’s likely that one person will feel stronger than the other. And you know how that plays out:

You two have sex on the second date.

She thinks this means you want to be her boyfriend.

You think it was fun, but don’t see her as your future wife.

Her heart gets broken.

You feel like a jerk.

This is dating, in five lines.

So what I’m proposing here is a whole new paradigm shift – one in which hot-and-heavy, spontaneous, condom scrambling never takes place again.

Why? Because you’re actually going to talk about sex before you have it. And what are you going to say, Jim?

“I don’t have sex with anyone with whom I’m not in an exclusive relationship. Which is why I don’t carry condoms with me anywhere.”

It’s crazy, I know.

But once I started doing this, the results were astounding.

Women would say, “Are you serious?”

And I’d say, “Completely.”

And they’d say, playfully, “You mean if I tried to seduce you right now, you’d say no?”

And I’d say, “That’s right.”

And they’d smile and stare at me and say, “Hmmm…”

And what I’ve established with that one declaration is this:

I’m safe.

I’m not going to rape her.

I’m not trying to take her home tonight.

I’m not out for just sex.

I don’t sleep around.

I have integrity.

I’m surprising.

I’m challenging.

I’m different.

Saying no to spontaneous sex gives a man power. Constantly chasing sex makes him weak. I’m not saying that spontaneous sex isn’t fun, or that I’m morally above it. I’m saying that nothing bad comes out of saying no.

Either you’ll avoid breaking hearts (which is a good thing) or you’ll make sex into something special (which is a good thing). Regardless, she’ll respect you for taking an unusual stand.

And more likely than not, she’ll feel so comfortable with you that if you do choose to have sex, you’ll be able to have it the next time out, but not until you’ve had a genuine conversation about what it means.

Say no to spontaneous sex.

More power, less heartbreak.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    a&v

    If a man ever told me no, I would be extremely intrigued–possibly to the point of being a bit enamored. I hope men everywhere follow your advice!

  2. 2
    alana

    I don’t mind the condom in the wallet thing. It tells me the guy is responsible, and, if it’s just one condom, you only get to do it once. If it was great sex the girl can’t wait to do it again.

    That’s my id speaking, anyway. I guess meeting a guy who followed Evan’s advice would be refreshing. I’d be left really horny, though.

  3. 3
    Marc

    I’ve been in situations where I didn’t come prepared, which led to having to stop the proceedings and have a whole conversation about going to the store to buy condoms, what type to buy, etc. Big mood breaker, as well as a deal breaker. And I live in NYC. I could’ve been out of their apartments, down in the corner grocery, and back up with a 3 pack of Trojans in under 5 minutes…even at 3 am, if necessary.

    Conversely, I’ve done the condom in the wallet thing too and the women weren’t the least bit fazed when I whipped it out (the condom, that is). If you’re at that point in the goings on where condoms are needed, most women would be hypocritical to judge you for being prepared. In fact, I think most would be relieved that you have a condom, and that they don’t have to expose their stash to you, if they indeed have such a stash.

    I think if sex is your main objective, then follow the Boy Scouts’ motto and “Be Prepared.” If you’re looking for something serious, heed the advice of the single dating expert. What he says makes sense.

  4. 4
    JB

    First off, I can’t stand the degrading term “getting lucky” as any man theoretically is “lucky” to be having sex with a woman. Give me a break ! There’s should be no luck involved unless you play the lottery.
    2 adults either wanna be together or they don’t.

    As far as what Evan says to say ie: “I dont have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship. Which is why I dont carry condoms with me anywhere.
    Sounds great and politically correct but it’s not true for a large percentage of people out here. So if it’s not true for you (like it’s not for me) I would’nt say it.

    There’s nothing wrong with carrying a condom in your car and putting it in your pocket when you go inside if you feel it heading that way and your BOTH up for it.

    There’s also been times recently when I’ve said “you know what, we don’t have to go that far tonight. I’d rather wait for another time when we have more time and we’re both prepared. Does’nt mean we still can’t have fun and enjoy each other.

    Evans’ right though it’s good to talk about it and see where you’re both coming from ideally so you can enjoy it casually if that’s the case without feeling guilty like in his scenario.

    As far as “nothing bad ever comes from saying no” …LOL You’d be wrong. I said “no” once and never heard from her again…lol
    No biggie, it wasn’t going to be a relationship but it stung for a day or 2.

  5. 5
    lyric

    I dont have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship. I’ve used this line. Guess what the guy did? He bulletined about condoms as if I have no knowledge about it…lol
    That’s why I’m a huge Evan fan because he’s such a decent human being!! Very noble:)

  6. 6
    Roger

    Wow. I like Evan’s idea. My only concern is that I have dated a few women who insisted we have sex, even when I didn’t have a condom. So, I feel I need to have one available just to be on the safe side, for my own sake. I put it in my pocket though, not my wallet. (From what I’ve read, it’s not safe to use a condom that’s been sitting in a wallet because it tends to get worn down.)

    Evan’s concept of not expecting to have casual sex or counting on it is liberating. It’s something I’ve been doing for a long time now, and it’s incredible how much more power it gives me. I find that women find it very attractive in a man and that it puts me in the drivers seat.

    1. 6.1
      JD

      Wow, a woman who insists you have sex, even if you don’t have a condom, and sounds like bad news bears to me. : / Just imagining how many other guys she’s “insisted” that with. But besides that, if you didn’t want to have sex without a condom, YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. Men can say no (re-iterating the article, obviously). Sorry, but you don’t sound like you’re in the driver’s seat at all.

  7. 7
    Andrea

    There are two issues here: Sex and relationships.

    Firstly, this implies that condoms are exclusively a man’s responsibility, which is old school and unsafe. So just because men wear the condoms they’re exclusively responsible? The emphasis on this – and the fact that I’m the first female commenter to challenge this – surprises me.

    I can’t speak for any other women, but I keep a supply of condoms beside my bed. There’s no reason a guy should bring condoms over to my place when I’m capable of buying them myself. Furthermore, every guy I’ve dated has had a supply at their place. Run out? Buy more, whether you’re anticipating sex or not, just like other household items. Concerned about expiry date? Expiry dates are a long way off. Chances are you’ll have sex before then.

    Chances are the sex is happening in someone’s home so the condom issue shouldn’t be an issue.

    Secondly, If I heard “I don’t have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship.” I’d think he’s full of shit, playing me to look like the nice guy KNOWING that it gives him power, or not into me. I might wonder what’s wrong with him. I prefer if a guy tells me that he wants to take it slow or get to know me better before sleeping with me.

    Most guys I know don’t say “I don’t have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship.” and mean it – and I have a lot of male friends to pool this opinion from.

  8. 8
    Andrea

    Clarification: When I said “Firstly, this implies…” I meant Jim’s question, Evan’s answer and the previous comments.

  9. 9
    Craig

    An intriguing suggestion by Evan, but not a very realistic one. Waiting for a committed relationship before having sex? C’mon, you don’t buy a car without test driving it first do you? Honestly, how many guys are going to pass up a chance at some good ass with that line…can I get a show of hands? Yeah, that’s what I thought. A more realistic suggestion would be to find a middle ground that still gets you some respect and adoration. So instead refuse the sex the first night if in fact neither of you have a condom by saying: “I do not have unprotected sex outside of a committed relationship, but will come prepared the next time if you are still willing.” She’ll be impressed by your restraint, the fact that you weren’t expecting it, and concern for your safety…and hers. Plus, you still get to get some action the next time you see her way before waiting the 2 or more months it may take before committing. It’s a win-win situation. Just my 2 cents.

  10. 10
    Evan Marc Katz

    to JB: I’m not saying to refuse sex for effect. I’m saying to refuse sex because it shows respect, gives you power, and diminishes potential fallout if/when things don’t work out.

    to Andrea: It’s not full of shit if you mean it.

    to Craig: A committed relationship isn’t marriage. It just means that you decide not to see anybody else. This can take place after a date or two. The point is that you’re DISCUSSING what sex means, instead of having it and dealing with the ramifications later.

    Thanks to all for your thoughts. Can’t wait to hear from more women…

  11. 11
    Selena

    The only time I can remember someone not wanting to have sex with me early on was many years ago. On that night, I guessed I was going too fast for him and told him that was okay, nothing wrong with waiting until we knew each other better. Well, we started seeing alot of each other and it turned out that it wasn’t a time, or exclusivity factor–he was impotent and had been for a couple years.

    Sooo, (prior to reading this blog), if a guy gave me the I dont have sex with anyone with whom Im not in an exclusive relationship. line, I would probably think he had some kind of sexual problem, STD, or just wasn’t interested in me sexually.

    I will say though that I do believe in talking about sex, and expectations before jumping right into it these days. I do want to get to know someone fairly well first–I’ve been disappointed too many times by not waiting. And I do want exclusivity if I’m going to be having sex with someone and I’m not afraid to say so up front.

    I can’t see waiting 2 mos. or more to have committed sex though, so I like Craig’s line better. For one thing, it builds anticipation for the next time you see each other! And it can also serve as an opener to discuss expectations regarding sex if one is feeling a bit self conscious about the topic. And it shows the guy is not only willing, but also able.

  12. 12
    Collins

    I agree with Andrea that bringing protection to the encounter should not be the man’s burden alone, but neither do I believe that he should rely on the woman to bring it. Neither party knows what STDs the other might have. There’s also potential on both sides for entrapment into parenthood; I’ve heard of women claiming infertility to trap men into fatherhood, & I’ve heard of men similarly deceiving women into motherhood. This is the age of equality, which for both genders entails responsibilities as well as rights.

    I also like Evan’s idea of us guys saying no to 1st- or 2nd-date sex. Doing so would raise the value of male sexuality. As with any product/service, the tighter we are with it, the more value we place on it. Meanwhile, the more we show that we can do without FEMALE sexuality, the more ITS value will go DOWN. Then we can make the M-F r’ship dynamic more balanced & fair.

  13. 13
    Chloe

    My experience with a guy that actually said he didn’t want to have sex until he’s in a commited relationship was because he was truly serious. He was a virgin! He wanted to wait to give it to his future wife. Sure, I thought that was sweet and endearing, and totally rare these days, but damn. Made me want him more, but darn it, the guy had too much will power. LOL. So yeah, the topic of condoms never even came up.

  14. 14
    Ron Goedde

    Nothing wrong with waiting to lose your virginity until you meet your future wife, Chloe.

    I’m 62 years young, and I’m still waiting for me sweetie to come along. I’ve held out this long – I just hope she shows up before long – otherwise we’ll be doing the nasty in the old folks home!

  15. 15
    Jared Meyer

    I agree with Evan with regard to waiting. I wonder though: why should men even say “yes” to sex?

    Would personal relationships last longer if two people didn’t sleep together within the first 24, 48, or 72 hours – let alone days – spent together? Do most couples have long-term serious relationships after sleeping together on the first date? Do we often lose interest or respect towards those we date after moving too fast? Imagine what our nation would be like if its citizens developed better discipline.

    My high school prom date once quoted someone who once stated that, “There are two tragedies in life: one – not getting what you want; the other – getting it.” If men were to toss aside their ego for a moment, a minute, or a month, would they be as inclined to have sex with their dates? We know that sex can be a powerful, special thing. Why do we often do what’s easy and not what’s right? Because we can. I’d like to change this and revisit that “less is more” theory of life. Who’ll join me in discovering discipline? All those in favor? All those opposed? Does anyone abstain?

  16. 16
    Camilla

    I like Craig’s suggestion.

    Although I think women who are sexually active should have some condoms at home, I still think it’s better when they guy buys them. That way, they get the kind that fits & feels best to them. (My personal experience is that guys are particular about it.)

    Someone said wallet’s aren’t smart (true) and I also heard in a safe sex class that glove compartments are bad because of the temperature changes. Condoms should be stored at room temp, not the fluctuating hot/cold of a glovebox.

  17. 17
    WannaGetMatzoBalled

    I totally agree with Evan on this. I personally am creeped out if a guy is prepared; I’d rather assume that nothing is going to happen. That might be naive, but I don’t have condoms in my house, and if he has them at his, it’s like–ok, it’s regular thing for him. And it’s true that people shouldn’t be afraid to talk about sex, even though we usually are. Sometimes talking about sex and framing it as something that is part of some kind of exclusive relationship feels like I’m pressuring him, which is ridiculous of course. Just goes to show you how far we’ll go to act “cool”. I like the tone of this post exactly for this reason: it’s easy to assume that guys are ready to pounce at the drop of a hat, but maybe they aren’t always, and maybe women have to put the brakes on more effectively without feeling like it makes them seem “prissy” and–God forbid!–“not fun.” Waiting is so logical, but I do think there is an atmosphere out in the dating world that pressures people to use sex as a way to get to know someone and artificially speed things up. Is it even effective??
    Another thing: all these guys whose main focus is “chemistry”, who couch it in some lame excuse about how they had such terrible sex with ex-girlfriends. I love it when they act like it is somehow so virtuous and honest that they are admitting that it’s such a vital part of the relationship. Well, yeah, duh. It’s almost like it is a thinly-veiled warning like, “don’t waste my time if you’re boring and not willing to do what I want.” Oh yeah, hotshot? Before you start getting all demanding, maybe I want some assurances that you’re packing something bigger than a Crayola–how’s that?
    I’m done for now. Good work, Evan.

  18. 19
    Zann

    I’m a woman, and I’m most likely older than the women who’ve been commenting here. I agree with the majority of what Evan has to say and with Craig up to a point. But the writer’s concern was focused on whether it looks tacky or presumptuous for a man to be equipped with a condom when dating. Personally, I find it downright delightful that a man took the responsibility upon himself. It speaks of his respect for his own body, as well as that of any woman with whom he might potentially be intimate. To me, it doesn’t broadcast that he was hoping to score; it means that he’s always prepared, because you just never know. I am always prepared with condoms in my purse and a supply in my home. It shows I’m a conscientious and informed adult with a sexual life.
    If this insinuates to some that I’m a slut, so be it, but at least I’m a responsible one. And I educated my own kids, now adults, about this sense of individual responsibility & emphasizing that it is not the responsibility of the “other” person, male or female, to be sure sex is safe. I understand that Evan was using the writer’s question as an opportunity to open dialogue on the issue of sexual abstinence or delay by men when going into a new encounter with a woman. But why — as Craig implied — tell a woman you don’t have sex outside of a committed relationship, when you actually do and will? Why not just say, “I don’t have sex without adequate protection, and I came unprepared, but I guarantee you, I’ll be prepared the next time we’re in this situation.” And if a woman takes the position that it’s the guy’s responsibility to provide the condom, then she probably shouldn’t be having sex, because that’s expecting the guy to take care of you, and that’s not his job — that’s your job. Same goes for the guy. If every sexually active individual took the responsibility to always be prepared for safe sex, the world would be a much better place. Don’t burden it with all this moral posturing about will I look too eager or easy. I know I sound like an old saw, but I simply refuse to see sex as power or anything other than what it is — a mutual and intimate expression of affection that, yes, gets very up close & personal and happens to also feel very good. I have never in my life met a man who was offended because I was able to provide a condom. Not once. Nor have I ever encountered a man who thought I was pushing ahead into sex too soon. Har! But it’s always been after having a conversation about safe sex. Not about what it means tomorrow (“You mean he had sex with me, but now he’s not my boyfriend/lover/partner?”). Consentual sex between me and a man does not put either of us in a position of genuine power over the other. There may be a resulting perception in one’s head that one of you is now in the “driver’s seat” or that someone “won” over the other, but that’ not real power, that’s ego. Likewise, (sorry Evan, I have to disagree with you on this one), withHOLDING sex does not genuinely empower a person; and if it feels that way, then it’s become game playing or manipulative. There’s a million reasons why either gender may want to hold off being sexually intimate. I’m not sexual with a man I’ve only known a short time because generally it takes more time than that to figure out if I’m both attracted to and comfortable with him enough to get that intimate at that early point. I can be very turned on by a man on a first date (or first glance, for that matter) and, if it seems mutual, I can express that in pleasurable ways — use your imagination here — without anything beyond very purposeful, articulate, protracted necking. No condoms required. And finally, I want to comment on Collins’ comments, which I assume are male, where he suggests that men hold out in order to drive up the value of male sexuality and to somehow lower the value of female sexuality. What is this, Econ 101? We are not commodities. And I don’t know about any other women, but I sure as hell don’t see women’s sexuality being all that overvalued, at least not on the planet I inhabit. You can’t drive to the grocery store without seeing a billboard with an scantily-clad young, thin woman with ample breasts advertising just about any product you can name. Women’s sexuality is cheapened daily in all forms of media. So, no, let’s NOT undervalue women’s sexuality, or men’s, shall we? In fact, let’s instead focus on elevating respect for each individual’s body and their right to set personal boundaries for that body, be it sexual or otherwise. As ever, thanks for reading!

  19. 20
    Selena

    Agree Zann. I also wonder if Collins viewpoint stems from being turned down for sex frequently. Hmm.

  20. 21
    Andrea

    I like Craig’s suggestion and with
    Evan’s response to him. My response to Evan’s response to me: Of course it’s not shit if he means it but my inclination would be to not believe it even if he does mean it. I guess at that point I’d follow my instincts and see what happens. I’d like it if he meant it.

    I like Zann’s response.

  21. 22
    Collins

    To answer Selena’s question: In my teens & early 20s, I was turned down for DATES a lot, before the question of sex could even come up. In high school, most of the girls already had boyfriends. And from college on, it just got worse: almost every woman I met was either married or otherwise attached. Even at bars such is the case; contrary to stereotypes, bars are not singles scenes in my experience. So now, at 31, I’ve written women off as unavailable for dates, never mind sex. I don’t rely on them for my happiness anymore. I occupy my time with activities that take one, not two. And to Zann, I’m sorry, but sexuality does have some economics to it, whether we like it or not. For example, a group of men gather around one woman at a bar, hoping to take her home with them. But only one (if she likes any of them at all) can possibly do so. This scenario is more common than throngs of women throwing themselves at, say, Elvis or the Beatles. Plus we guys are socialized to be pursuers when it comes to matters sexual. Hence my belief that female sexuality is valued like gold while male sexuality is valued little more than dirt.

  22. 23
    Emma

    Evan,

    Unless a man really does need to be in a committed relationship to have sex, that sort of lie is a huge turn-off. If a guy said told me that, I’d a) think he’s being coy, and there is nothing less sexy than someone being coy or b) think that he’s a prude and wouldn’t be much fun in bed anyhow.

    Sex needs to happen naturally. I’ve always felt that if no one brought a condom, that’s the sign that you need to wait for the next time. Or if a guy is over-thinking the bringing of a condom, then he’s over-thinking his perception by his sexual partners and probably has a problem truly being in the moment during sex, as well.

    If we worry about how a person is going to perceive us and present to the world a misrepresentation of ourselves, we will attract the wrong people to us. My longest relationship when I was 20-22 was with a guy I slept with the first night I met. We broke each others’ hearts and have recently begun the process of trying to start something adult. We started it this time around by having causal sex, again. The sex allowed us to spend time with each other and realize how right we are for each other.

    If I, last spring, had told him it was nice to have lunch with him, but I only have sex with people who I am involve with in a serious relationship, not only would he know that I had either become someone else or become a liar, but the progression wouldn’t have happened.

    Jim? If who you are is a person who is terrified of a woman thinking that he’s either a slut or thinks she is, you should not be having sex with virtual strangers. However, if you’re doing this song and dance because of society’s pressure to force you to be uncomfortable with your sexuality, then drop it. The right girl for you will be flattered you came prepared. Hell, if she’s naked in your bed asking you do anything that would involve a condom, chances are she is comfortable with her sexuality, as well as yours.

    Get over it.

    Emma.

  23. 24
    Evan Marc Katz

    I’m not talking about games, as Zann suggested, or lies, as Emma suggested. I’m talking about both SAYING and MEANING “I don’t sleep with someone unless I’m in a committed relationship”. Why is this so hard to understand? Because most guys don’t do it and wouldn’t consider doing it? Well, that’s entirely my point. If they DID do it, we’d all be a lot better off.

    I don’t judge anyone who hops into bed with a hot stranger, but I can state with confidence that nothing bad happens from discussing sex and reserving it exclusively for boyfriends/girlfriends.

  24. 25
    Andrea

    I just realized that I poorly edited my last reply and somehow left out some words.
    The first sentence should read, “I like Craigs suggestion and AGREE with Evans response to him.” Further along I probably should have said “Of course its not shit if he means it but I’d be inclined not to believe him it even if he does mean it. ”

    I am my own grammar police but sometimes catch these things too late.

    Moving on, Evan later asked, “Why is this so hard to understand? Because most guys dont do it and wouldnt consider doing it?”

    Yes, that’s exactly why. You’re right. If they did do it, wed all be a lot better off and nothing bad happens from discussing sex and reserving it exclusively for boyfriends/girlfriends.

  25. 26
    alana

    IMHO, saying I dont sleep with someone unless Im in a committed relationship is only truthful if you have a history of abstaining from sex until the commitment is declared.

    So advising men to say it just to “try it on for size”, see how it feels and how women respond to it…when they don’t wholeheartedly, sincerely believe in the approach… is kinda asking men to play games with women.

    I know that wasn’t Evan’s intent to ask men to lie here. So guys out there, if you’re trying this new “commitment first” program out for the first time, please be honest with the lady and at least say you’re “trying” to only sleep with women you’re committed to. A little honesty goes a long way for being able to look yourself in the mirrror.

  26. 27
    alana

    btw, one of my hottest memories was a date with this fireman. We spent the night in bed and kissed, but he wouldn’t even take my clothes off. When I practically begged him to, he said “believe me, I’d like to”, but wouldn’t.

    Since he never asked me out again, I like to think he was one of the guys who believed in the commitment-first program. And while I’m sure he wasn’t trying to make me more attracted to him, his refusal to have sex with me made him a Sex God in my mind. I love to fantasize about him to this day.

    So I do believe what Evan says about how there’s power in saying no. However, just because the power exists doesn’t mean people shouldn’t use it with integrity.

  27. 28
    WannaGetMatzoBalled

    I am surprised there aren’t more women writing to say “Amen” to this post, because if men did this it would make things infinitely better for us women. When to have sex and when to commit–even just in the sense of being “exclusive” and not dating other people–is a huge question mark in the beginning of a relationship. Figuring out the answer would probably be a lot easier if there is not a sexual relationship to deal with right from the start. Add sex to the mixture, and things get cloudy: you start to hope and wonder, does being open to a physical relationship mean being open to an emotional one? Is this the beginning of a romance we’ll remember for the rest of our lives? I think for most emotionally stable people, it is normal to believe that when you share each other’s bodies there is some kind of connection, beyond having the right parts that fit together. The problem is that the meaning of that connection might be so different from person to person that the partner that feels it more deeply is bound to be disappointed to discover that the other one sees it in a much more casual light.

    You can’t possibly be on the same page if you can’t even discuss it. I know, we like to think that our bodies are magically communicating something with sex, and we think we’re having the same experience. Most of the time we discover that this is not the case, and that’s painful. And what I think Evan is saying is that, given the opportunity afforded by not rushing, there is a greater chance that other parts of the relationship will be in place; it won’t really matter what the individual twists and turns are, but you’ll end up together, at the same destination.

    Naked, in bed, and maybe–on the way to the greatest love affair of your life. Sounds good to me.

  28. 29
    Marcus

    One thing that seems worth mentioning in this discussion is not just whether to have condoms available, but how to carry them. Body heat when carried in a wallet and the extremes of heat and and cold inside a glove box can deteriorate the latex in the condoms over relatively short times. Their designed to be kept at or near room temperature. If you’re going to carry one in your wallet or glove box for a date, don’t leave them there for days or weeks lest they fail, potentially leading to a much more complicated situation and discussion. A quick web search for “condom wallet temperature” turns up all kinds of resources on proper care and storage of condoms.

  29. 30
    MP

    I strongly disagree with Evan’s suggestion that men should tell us women that they don’t have sex unless they’re in an exclusive relationship. I went on a couple of dates with one guy who tried this tactic, and I have to say it went over terribly with me. It was the guy’s idea to bring me back to his apartment (I agreed because I liked him and I was horny), but then after we had a little fun, not involving actual sex, he told me he doesn’t have sex on first dates. I was thinking, why the hell did he bring me back to his place?! The second date the same thing happened, and I was left frustrated and not at all satisfied sexually either. So guys, if you use Evan’s idea, please PLEASE mean it and don’t lead us on and make us think we’re getting some when you have no intention of giving any. We women are frequently horny just like you guys, and if both people want sex, they should not feel at all taken aback by the fact that the man has a condom on hand. It is like bringing extra cash with you when you go out in case you need it to get home or whatever – it’s just more prudent to have condoms with you whenever you plan on meeting a woman, just in case there is a mutual spark. As a woman that carries condoms with me on dates myself, I can say that it’s ALWAYS a good move, for those rare occasions when a connection is actually THAT good that both people want to get together quickly. Believe me, women do not want to be stuck any more than men do in a situation where they want to have sex but can’t because nobody has a condom. In this just as in everything, better to be safe than sorry.

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