Women Aren’t As Cool With One-Night Stands As Men

Women Aren't As Cool With One-Night Stands As Men

Let’s start with one thing:

Just like every study ever conducted, just because this doesn’t apply to YOU doesn’t mean it doesn’t apply. There is just a mountain of evidence that suggests that as much as women often want to be cool with NSA and FWB sex, for the most part, they’re not.

From Salon, Dr. Melvin Konner reports:

“The research on this is clear, and transnational. A 2008 study by Anne Campbell was called “The Morning After the Night Before.” A British television station surveyed thousands of people through its website; 998 of the men and 745 of the women who responded were heterosexual and had had a one-night stand. They were asked about their agreement with positive and negative statements about the event. Men were much more likely to report greater sexual satisfaction, wellbeing, and self-confidence, while women were much more likely to feel that they had been used and had let themselves down. Overall, subtracting negative scores from positive ones, men had more than double the net gain from the experience. As for regret, 23 percent of men but 58 percent of women said they would not repeat it.”

As for the sex itself, men spoke of “euphoria,” “excitement and lust,” and “blowing off sexual steam.” Some women had fun and felt free, but most said things like

    • “The expectation was better than the reality, the sex was rubbish.”

    • “The sex is never particularly satisfying because it is difficult to let go with someone you don’t even know.”

    • “Not as good as sex with a partner; they are more into your needs and know your body a lot better.”

I’ve said it a million times. Men look for sex and find love. Women look for love and find sex. Sure, there are exceptions of men who are indifferent to lustful one-night stands and perfectly content marrying their high school girlfriends, and women who have racked up hundreds of sexual conquests without affecting their self-esteem.

There is just a mountain of evidence that suggests that as much as women often want to be cool with NSA and FWB sex, for the most part, they’re not.

But they are far fewer than the converse.

Konner continues:

“A 2001 overview in the Personality and Social Psychology Review by Roy Baumeister, Kathleen Catanese, and Kathleen Vohs combed more than 150 studies to answer the question “Is there a gender difference in sex drive?” Overall in these studies, ‘men have been shown to have more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women, as reflected in spontaneous thoughts about sex, frequency and variety of sexual fantasies, desired frequency of intercourse, desired number of partners, masturbation, liking for various sexual practices, willingness to forego sex, initiating versus refusing sex, making sacrifices for sex, and other measures.’

There were no studies with contrary findings—not a single one indicating stronger sexual motivation in women than men.”

I don’t know why it’s so controversial to report that men and women – who are biologically different, are, in fact, biologically different, but it is. To me, this explains what we observe regularly: men are cool sleeping around and can easily separate sex from feelings. We’ll sleep with women we don’t like, women we’re not attracted to, etc. And while women sometimes choose that path, they often have regrets when sleeping around.

As always, you can do what you want with this information. But please don’t claim the information isn’t true because it doesn’t apply to you.

So, can you easily separate sex from feelings? Let me know in the comments below.

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Comments:

  1. 1
    AAORK

    People sleep with other people they aren’t attracted to? How does that happen? Alcohol, I’m guessing. And probably a contributor to ONS regrets.

    1. 1.1
      Karem

      I was asking myself the same “We’ll sleep with women we don’t like, women we’re not attracted to”

      Really? how sad. Even if a man is not a long term relationship material, what the point of having sex with someone you didnt even feel attracted to? really?

      I understand that men want sex , then love. But at least I assumed they at least like or feel atracted to the woman they had sex with.

  2. 2
    Amy

    I’m curious: if all the women who end up regretting one night stands and FWB sex stopped participating in it, who would all the men sleep with when THEY want FWB sex and one night stands? Prostitutes can only take on so many clients per day/night. The whole issue seems like a sad example of women allowing themselves to feel used and remorseful so that men can feel self-confident and satisfied.

    1. 2.1
      Evan Marc Katz

      They’re not doing it to make men feel self-confident. They’re doing it either because:

      a) They can actually handle it, or because b) They think that sex connotes greater meaning and devotion, instead of just being a fun act for the sake of itself.

      Which is my advice is always to wait until you know if you’re in a relationship before having sex; otherwise, you’re just taking a coin flip and hoping it doesn’t land on b.

      1. 2.1.1
        Beka

        Honestly,

        I would like to have -responsible- sex (a lot) just for the pleasure of the moment!!

        Not waiting for anything, not relationship purpose. Just good sex.

        I should be or has a lot men’s hormones on my brain at this stage.

        1. Maria Almudena

          The problem, Beka, is that sex with a guy who doesn’t give two hoots about you and may not even like you (physically or otherwise) is never good. The guy doesn’t care about you, couldn’t care less whether you drop dead after the act.  This means that he doesn’t care about your pleasure (let alone your emotional needs or level of comfort). Once you signal the go ahead, he won’t care about how relaxed or ready you are. He may not even notice if he hurts you, or may pretend not to notice. You are a willing orifice; he will climax no problem and leave you to your own devices. Or he may enter into a contest with himself to try to get you off, but this is about his male ego, not about your sexual gratification.

  3. 3
    Sunflower

    Personally, I have never been able to separate sex from feelings. And when I’ve had a ONS with someone I just met or didn’t know very well, it was awful! I never woke up the next day saying…”wow, that was the best night ever.” That’s probably why I’ve only had a couple in my entire life. It leaves me feeling unfulfilled and disgusted with myself.

  4. 4
    Rebecca

    I briefly dated a man I met online who wanted a monogamous (at least on my part) but casual sexual relationship, and when I responded that I didn’t love him, he responded back, in all sincerity, “does that matter?” I can’t separate sex from feelings. I’ve only once had what I thought was a one night stand and it continued into a two year relationship, but I was in love with him and he certainly was not in love with me. The only saving grace was I knew what I was getting into when it started.

  5. 5
    Mandee

    I’ve never been able to separate the two. For me to want to sleep with a man requires at least some amount of attraction that goes beyond “hey, I think you’re hot, let’s hook up.” I suspect that the majority of women feel this way, assume that men feel this way as well, and then end up disappointed to find that to not be the case.

  6. 6
    Willow

    I agree that, by and large, women have more problems with NSA sex. But not because all women are unable to separate sex from emotions, all the time – prostitutes clearly have that skill, if that is what you want to call it. Maybe it is a matter of context?

    1. 6.1
      Britt

      Prostitutes, and anyone in the sex-industry, typically have deeper issues resulting in their choices and abilities to do what they do.

      1. 6.1.1
        MikeTO

        So do women out of the sex industry. You forget it’s hookup culture.

        1. Britt

          You missed the point of my statement: Obviously, people in and out of the sex industry can and do have the types of issues I was referring to, but the point was to say that THOSE particular women – in the sex industry – arent some different species of woman who just doesnt care who, how many people, etc they sleep with. They view things differently for other reasons.

          Even with the hook-up culture that my generation is known for, I would still say a lot women regret those hookups…which is exactly what the article articultates. Hookup culture is the fact that we’re all choosing to sleep with each other sooner than past generations have/did, and that we view hookups as commonplace, and in place of relationships…not that all of a sudden everyone has no feelings about it afetrwards.

      2. 6.1.2
        MikeTO

        You claim that women in the hookup culture have regrets yet they continually have sex out of a relationship, are trapped? . Also you have not done any research with the sex industry. I can assure you that many porn actress do regret having sex with multiple partners however it’s difficult to get out. You are just talking out of butt without doing any kind of research.

        Guess what I haven’t had sex more than a decade. Not because I couldn’t get laid I just didn’t see enough benefits. In fact many women were more than happy to have sex with me while they had a boyfriend or husband.

        1. Britt

          I was going to take the time to write a really long, articulate response, arguing that I didnt in fact say any of the things you indicated that I did, but based on your level of comprehension of my previous comments- it isnt worth it.

          I was/am speaking in general terms, which I think was obvious via my diction. Work on your reading skills; you’re arguing a point that no one made to begin with, and your response comes across as asinine, to me at least.

          And real quick:

          “You claim that women in the hookup culture have regrets yet they continually have sex out of a relationship, are trapped?” – Um, no. I didnt claim that…I dont even know what you mean by that. Do people have sex when they arent in relationship? Yeah. Are they trapped…in what, I have no idea.

          “Also you have not done any research with the sex industry.” – Ha, please, tell me more about what I have/havent done. You know me so well, and all. I dont need to do research to know that GENERALLY people working in the sex industry have had past trauma (which can range from a multitude of things, not just being sexually abused) leading them to the chocie and ability to do what they do with some level of comfort. There’s been plenty of research on that. But I’ll have you know I have and DO listen to this research, as it’s a topic I’m passionate about. But you’d know that, because…ya’ know…you know me, and all. Right.

          “I can assure you that many porn actress do regret having sex with multiple partners however it’s difficult to get out.” – SO glad YOU can “assure” me of this. But I havent done any research. Thanks.

          “You are just talking out of butt without doing any kind of research.” -No comment needed.

    2. 6.2
      Maria Almudena

      Many people teach themselves to do for money things that don’t come naturally to them, things they don’t want to do and wouldn’t do if it were not for the compensation. I don’t think the existence of prostitutes is proof that women are able to separate sex from feelings. Most people will do what they have to do to survive, including unpleasant and dangerous jobs such as prostitution. Once in a while you read about a prostitute that says she loves she lifestyle, but I know for a fact they are not the norm.

      You also hear about women that will have sex with no expectation of feelings involved, and I have always wondered about them. I cannot deny people what they say is their true experience, but I wonder if there is not a level of numbness involved here too.

      1. 6.2.1
        Maria Almudena

        I mean women that will have sex FOR FREE with no expectation of feelings or of it leading to any relationship or connection. I can’t help wondering about their self-awareness.

  7. 7
    Suzanne

    Men think with their penises. Once their penis is done thinking, they start thinking with their brains and maybe their feelings. Often this doesn’t match what their penis thinks (it may like you, but the brain/feelings aren’t convinced). This is why women should wait to have sex (although even that is no guarantee of a long-lasting relationship). I think there is something to the 90-day rule. Any man who is willing to wait that long is interested in more than sex.

    1. 7.1
      mgm531

      If a guy is willing to wait around for a full 90 days before he has sex with a woman, I’m afraid to tell you that’s not a relationship. That’s a Friendzone.

      1. 7.1.1
        JennLee

        Sorry, but that’s just not true. Only a PUA would see it that way. You can have a lot of heat and passion in a relationship without having sex. If you can’t agree, you aren’t relationship material. Also, sex is much better when you actually have deep feelings for each other. Many men I have known admit that this is true, but fear and impatience, make most men push too quickly for sex.

        1. mgm531

          So if I don’t agree to an arbitrary timeline to wait for sex I’m not ‘relationship material’? Or that I’m just a PUA? That’s seems pretty self righteous on your part, don’t you think? Why does there have to be a timeline at all? Why can’t the sex just happen when it happens without any arbitrary wait period? What difference does it make if the sex happens after a couple of weeks or a couple of months? Everyone is different and maybe you need 90 days to make up your mind, but I hardly think that’s the norm. I don’t speak for all men, but I’m pretty sure most men aren’t going invest that amount of time in a relationship without any sex. Now to be sure sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it’s still a pretty significant and important aspect of one. If two people are attracted to each other then it shouldn’t take more than a few dates to know if they want to be intimate with each other. If by that time if there is not even a hint at an opportunity to be intimate then I’m hardly alone in saying I’m going to move on.

        2. Clare

          mgm531,

          Wanting to be intimate is not the only factor to consider, which is the topic of this entire blog article. The point that is being made is that many women might *want* to be intimate early on, but the honest truth is that that is not wise because emotionally, they can’t handle it if it turns out not to be a relationship. A few dates in is usually too soon to tell if it is going to turn into a real relationship or not. Desire is not the only consideration. Sometimes you have to delay a bit of instant gratification to make the best decision for yourself in the long run. Many men are willing to wait, and one who isn’t willing to wait to see if we are more on the same page emotionally, is welcome to move along.

      2. 7.1.2
        belle

        I think the 90 day does hold bearing. This does not mean you are like a sister or hanging out platonically. Physical intimacy can come in layers over that time, as a woman learns about the man. Without the details, use imagination of working around that over time. Of course, this may skew definition of what sex is. However, I married my ex husband without having the full buffet. I have also dated several men who made it to a few courses before I discovered they were not right. Keeping it to a boundary to be playful, enjoy something without getting too deeply attached is important.

      3. 7.1.3
        Katt

        In my experience, men who are pushing for or expecting sex after only a couple of dates need to move on. If a mans selection criteria for a girlfriend is just sex, well, there isn’t anything there apart from sex. Not a good basis for a long lasting relationship.
        I’ve had a few ONS and the sex wasn’t that good and didn’t leave me wanting more on any level. In fact it was more like how quickly can I leave and what was I thinking!

      4. 7.1.4
        Maria Almudena

        I wish people stopped using the phrase “being intimate” as an euphemism for having sex. A one-night stand is sex without intimacy. Sex in the absence of intimacy is the shits. You’re just dealing with a stranger’s bodily fluids and unpleasant odors, acting as an orifice for mechanical friction without passion or emotion. Then you sober up, and are left to wonder about pregnancy, STDs and the possibility of catching unwanted feelings. In the meanwhile, he got what he wanted and he sees no reason to keep up any pretense of trying to get to know you or court you or anything. He still expects breakfast and a hot shower, though.

    2. 7.2
      Ildergreier

      Or he get sex some place else…

  8. 8
    AZ

    It will be interesting to see how this changes in the next decade, as the “hook up culture” generation matures into adulthood. There probably is a biological component to these differences, but a lot of this is about social conditioning. As social norms about women’s seriality continue to loosen, maybe women’s feelings about casual sex will also change.

  9. 9
    Suzanne

    I don’t even think 90 days is realistic and haven’t waited that long myself. But most women, especially those looking for relationships, need to wait to see what a man’s intentions are. While I give men a chance, even if I didn’t immediately connect with them on the first date, if after a few dates I don’t feel any interest or attraction I will call it off nicely because I’d rather not lead them on. It’s simply not fair to string someone along. Maybe a lot of men don’t think like this and will gladly lead on women with these “just let it happen naturally” lines. Evan is always saying if women want to know if a man is serious about you, make him wait for sex. There is no arbitrary timeline and a man can certainly dump you for other reasons, even if you hold out. But women want to know that a man sees them as more than a big ole walking vagina. It’s as simple as that.

    1. 9.1
      mgm531

      I think you have illustrated the point I was trying to make in my previous posts. The timeline for a decision to become intimate with someone is different for everyone, but I think generally speaking it shouldn’t take too long. Certainly a lot shorter than 90 days. Maybe it only takes some a few dates while for others it may take bit longer. But to your point if the spark isn’t there for both or either person then isn’t better to part ways and move on? The other issue I see is this defacto presumption that I sense a lot of women have that men are just ‘walking penisis’ that only care about sex in a relationship and nothing more. Further that women must ‘protect themselves’ from these craven sex predators that they fear will only see them as ‘walking vaginas’. Really? Is it that hard to believe that men want to be in a relationship will be in a relationship and the ones that don’t won’t? Isn’t it just a false sense of security that we place on each other by abiding by some sort of rules or timeline? Do you honestly think that anyone — man or woman — that agrees to follow a set of rules or timelines is good ‘relationhip material’ or is just playing your game to get what they want? Love as in life has no gaurantees for happiness or success no matter what rules or timelines we may place on potential romantic partners. I sometimes get the sense that people — mostly women in my experience — try to protect themselves with walls of false security that they fail to see the point of dating in the first place. And that is to have fun and enjoy the ride!

      1. 9.1.1
        Jamie

        mgm531, I mostly agree with you. I’ve never had a man lose interest in a relationship with me as a result of having sex too early. I’ve also never had a man develop an urge to have a relationship with me as a result of me holding out.

        With that being said, if someone is only interested in relationships and knows he or she has regrets if they have sex with a person and a relationship doesn’t form than I do believe that person should wait in order to protect himself/herself.

        1. Kathy

          Jamie.. I agree.. I’ve never had a man lose interest in a relationship with me as a result of having sex too early. I’ve also never had a man develop an urge to have a relationship with me as a result of me holding out…. That’s the way my life has gone also…

  10. 10
    Noquay

    Never have been able to have NSA sex. If there’s no feeling of attraction, of connection, its no go.

    1. 10.1
      Kathy

      I thought NSA sex just meant there is no commitment or discussion of a relationship. You can have feelings of attraction and connection and it still be NSA sex I believe… For example, if you are feeling attracted or connected to the other person and still want to have sex with them, but THEY are the ones who don’t want a relationship or commitment…

  11. 11
    greentea

    I have been able to have sex without feelings, though I was attracted to them physically. After the sex, I never wanted to see them again….and the sex, at least with one guy wasn’t great. No regrets here. Otherwise, I tend to agree that the sex is better in a relationship.

    A guy and I decided to be FWB but never went through with it because we actually cared for each other. FWB can only work without the feelings.

    1. 11.1
      Jamie

      This comment doesn’t make sense to me. If you don’t have feelings for a person than they aren’t your friend thus you can’t be in a FWB relationship with that person.

      Are you just referring to romantic feelings? What would be considered romantic feelings?

      1. 11.1.1
        greentea

        Yes, I am referring feelings to romantic feelings. You can feel physically attracted to someone and not have romantic feelings for them, other than wanting them physically, which, in my opinion is a requirement for FWB. Once romantic feelings come into play, FWB becomes complicated and no longer is FWB.

        1. Jamie

          The problem lies in how do you differentiate between romantic feelings and feelings you have for a friend you also sleep with? You have to have feelings of some sort for the guy otherwise it’s not a FWB arrangement because you aren’t friends.

          Is the difference determined by whether you desire a relationship with that person? Do you just feel different between the two? Is there no difference?

        2. ShellBell

          I think there is definitely a difference. Here’s how I differentiate them:

          Just feelings: someone you like and care about, enjoy being with, you may or may not find them physically attractive, but connect well enough with them to be FWB or NSA.

          No emotional connection or feelings for the person. May or may not be physically attracted to them, this would be a ‘F’ buddy.

          Romantic feelings: none of the above because the romantic feelings you have make it impossible to continue as casual.

          Just my opinion on the differences

  12. 12
    Angie

    I don’t think it’s that women regret anything. I just think they are disatisfied. Biologically, it’s much easier for men to “blow off sexual steam”. I do think women that are expecting a one-night stand to turn into something are setting themselves up for disatisfaction, but if the chemistry is high, I suppose it could be a fun experience, situationally. (E.g. After a rough breakup).

  13. 13
    Jamie

    Honestly, what is the point of studies that study sexual behavior in men and women? A society that rewards one sex for being sexual and punishes the other sex for being sexual is incapable of an unbiased and honest study of how men and women naturally feel about sex.

    The sex that is taught sex is wrong without an emotional connection ‘naturally’ needs an emotional connection to have sex. The sex that is ridiculed for being easy ‘naturally’ regrets ONS. The sex that is praised for sleeping around ‘naturally’ have an easier time with ONS and don’t feel regret. The sex that’s taught being sexual is bad or wrong ‘naturally’ likes sex less than the sex that is encouraged to be sexual.

    It’s not natural, it’s socialization. Women regret sex because we’re socialized to regret sex. Men are less likely to regret sex because they’re socialized to not regret sex.

    1. 13.1
      Amy A

      I like to read evolutionary psychology, and it isn’t just our society. Across all cultures and over history, men have the virgin-whore dichotomy built into them. There are women you sleep with to get your rocks off, and there are women you mate with. Women who are easy to bed don’t usually end up in the latter category. Our instincts come from hunter-gatherer times, and back then, if a man fed and protected a family of kids who weren’t his, that was bad for his evolutionary fitness. So men evolved with two drives: to spread their seed as much as possible, and/or to choose a faithful mate, if and when they mated. Women who are a challenge to get into bed “feel” like better mates to men, because if it was difficult for him to get in her panties, it follows (to his reptilian mind) that it would be difficult for anyone else to do so as well.

      Enlightened men may have the sophisticated cortex to override these feelings that aren’t useful in our current society, but those ancient whisperings are in there. So are the nagging feelings of concern or upset women may feel after sleeping with someone outside of a solid relationship. In caveman times, that used to result in 9 months of pregnancy followed by a baby with no father, and potential doom.

      1. 13.1.1
        Suzanne

        I am so glad you said this. I believe this is true, too, and leaves some women wondering what they did wrong. Usually nothing, but for some reason they get put into the “good time” category for the dumbest of reasons. I believe, too, parents teach this to their sons by saying things like “she’s not the marrying kind,” usually because she’s independent or wears short skirts, neither of which make her poor wife material, by the way.

        I have had male friends/coworkers who have cheated on their wives and girlfriends frequently. What I noticed about these women they were involved with was how “safe” they are. They are often quiet, homebodies who don’t like to do much. In other words, they are women who wouldn’t put up a fuss if they found out their boyfriends/husbands were cheating.

        Men have fun with sexy. They marry safe.

        Dan Savage had a good response to this madonna-whore dichotomy on YouTube.

      2. 13.1.2
        ShellBell

        Very true Amy!

      3. 13.1.3
        Jamie

        Before class society, the idea of a strictly monogamous pairing of males and females with their offspring–the nuclear family–was unknown to human society. Inequality was also unknown. For more than 2 million years, humans lived in groups made up of people who were mostly related by blood, in conditions of relative equality. Much of the earliest evidence for this from an unlikely source: from seventeenth- and eighteenth-century Jesuit missionaries who recorded their observations of the Native American cultures they encountered.

        The Jesuits mostly were appalled by the level of equality they found–including the sexual freedom and equality between women and men. One Jesuit, when he encountered the Montagnais-Naskapi of Eastern Canada, reported, “I told him that it was not honorable for a woman to love anyone else except her husband, and that, this evil being among them, he himself was not sure that his son, who was there present, was his son.” But the Naskapi were equally appalled by the Jesuits. The man replied, “Thou hast no sense. You French people love only your own children; but we love all the children of our tribe.”

        All cultures? Man has always provided for solely his family?

        How much research did you actually do?

        1. Amy A

          I didn’t study evolutionary psych in college, I studied chemistry and computer science – I’ve just read a bunch of books on it over the years. My favorite is Robert Wright – The Moral Animal, but the virgin-whore dichotomy usually gets a chapter in all of them – see Morris, Diamond, Buss, Pinker. The field of evolutionary psychology as a whole accepts that “cuckold-detection” is a human male instinct. I don’t like it, but I accept it, hence my personal attempts to adhere to the 60-day rule. I know I’m not the only one getting widely different results with men based on my behavior in this arena.

          I think the Neskapi practices you cite are the exception, not the rule.

        2. Karmic Equation

          Read “Sex at Dawn” by Christopher Ryan. There are more exceptions in there.

  14. 14
    Sandra

    OK I’m going to be totally bias on this one and I admit it! We are perfectly capable of detaching sex from feelings. All you have to do . is allow yourself to think like a man✌
    Not my thing, but hey I know my body to well to go on wasting time with amateurs.

    1. 14.1
      Jamie

      Saying you have to think like a man to detach sex from feelings is incredibly sexist, patronizing, and insulting.

    2. 14.2
      SparklingEmerald

      I think your comment rather illustrates that ONS are more of a “guy thing”. Otherwise women wouldn’t have to “think like a man” to enjoy them.

      1. 14.2.1
        Jamie

        Making the statement that casual sex is a ‘guy thing’ and that women have to ‘think like a man’ is inherently sexist. It would be like someone saying sandwich making is a ‘girl thing’ and a guy has to think ‘like a woman’ in order to make a sandwich.

        1. Pinkbunn

          I am a woman and I don’t think it’s a sexist statement at all. Men’s brains are wired differently than women. For the most part they are able to compartmentalize and have sex simply as an activity and not a bonding experience. So I think it’s generally true that you do need to ‘think like a man’ to have detached sex.

          I don’t believe there are any functional differences between a man and a woman’s hands, so no need to think like a woman when making a sandwich.

          There are some things men can do and women are not as good at it, and vice versa. There is no need to cry sexism for everything.

        2. Jamie

          Pinkburn: being a woman doesn’t make you an expert in how the male and female brain works. Basically everything you said is flat out wrong.

          Men associate sex with love and intimacy far more than women, the area of a woman’s brain that controls emotion is shut off during orgasm, the same part of a man’s brain goes into overdrive during orgasm, and men have been shown to be more romantic.

          Saying a woman has to think like a man in order to enjoy sex in and of itself is sexist because it assumes enjoying sex is a male trait and females aren’t capable of it unless they have the brain chemistry of a man.

          Finally there are differences in the physiological aspects of male and female hands. However, I was referring to the mental differences between the sexes. My point was that saying a female has to think like a male to have sex is based on assumptions in the difference between male and female brains. That’s the same as assuming sandwich making is designed for the female brain and a man has to think like a woman in order to have the mental capability to make a sandwich. My comment had nothing to do with the physical aspects of the hands.

        3. Jamie

          Pardon me: Pinkbunn not Pinkburn.

  15. 15
    Joanne

    I tried a little of everything. I’ve learned over time to prefer a man who stays for coffee in the morning and who calls me now and then for dinner and a movie before bed…ive also learned to deflect casual interest in me with humor, knowing it isn’t personal…but there’s no blame , or shame..

  16. 16
    KT

    Although I believe there has been research in the past indicating regret and shame following casual sex for women, I don’t think that’s reflected in the research you’ve presented here — just a lot of disappointment and dissatisfaction with the sex. With any luck, the shame and regret amongst women is becoming a thing of the past as women start to claim their authentic sexualities and sexual selves.

    Frankly, I think the dissatisfaction is due to a combination of 1) men not having much of a clue of how to please women without INTENSE coaching over a long period from a partner, and 2) women not feeling comfortable being assertive about what they want with a stranger (whereas with a partner they probably are more “themselves” and okay with giving some direction). Of course, this comes back to a lot of shaming about women’s bodies and women’s pleasure in our culture, and an excessive focus on the penis and ejaculation in defining what sex is.

    Speaking from personal experience, casual sex or one-night stands have almost always felt pretty bland, but I’ve never felt ashamed or regretful about them. Not only is it pretty hard to actually achieve the kind of pleasure that supposedly motivates people to let loose, nobody ever really lets their real kinks out in a healthy way or is authentic about how they’re feeling, for fear of creating even a sliver of emotional intimacy. Frankly, the whole ordeal is more exhausting (in a decidedly non-sexy way) than invigorating; who needs that when you’ve got Netflix and a Hitachi?

  17. 17
    GL

    When I was younger I could. I looked really good and there was no shortage of men. Now I can’t. I either feel empty and gilted or disgusted. Also when guys can’t accept you don’t want them it gets pathetic and weird. Plus the older I get the more relationships matter and finding men to date is harder. I started sleeping with one early on recently and decided that was the last time that I can do that when I’m not in a committed relationship.

    1. 17.1
      ShellBell

      Love this comment you make….

      ‘when guys can’t accept you don’t want them it gets pathetic and weird.’

      Ha! That is so true! Some of them get a bit of a shock when the table is turned on them 🙂

  18. 18
    SparklingEmerald

    Gen’l Commentary on ONS

    Men tend to “lower their standards” when it comes to ONS, FWB, etc. In fact, sex advice for men usually tells them to do so. Also many (not all) men are sexual hypocrits and will use a woman for a ONS, and then talk about her in the crudest terms possible.

    So since the sexual aspect of ONS is generally not too physically satisfying, and emotionally speaking the man might just think you are a “slut” who is beneath him, I don’t really see what’s in it for women.

    I can certainly see what’s in it for men, women don’t bed down for one night with a man they think is beneath her, perhaps not even a man who she sees as being her equal as far as SMV goes. (I hate this ranking systems, but I really don’t know how else try and make my point). Since men seem to be fine with just thrusting and ejaculating, the experience is less likely to be physically unsatisfactory to them. And since the woman involved thinks he is a step UP for her (while he thinks she’s just some dirty little pump and dump) there’s no emotional let down for him either.

    So yea, I read this article that says women aren’t as cool with ONS as men, and it’s right up there with the news that the sun will rise tomorrow or that Arizona summers are hot.

    We could have the nature vs nurture debate until we are blue in the face, but it will take a long time to re-engineer society, won’t happen in my lifetime.

    So yes, there are some women who haven’t been affected by societal standards, or any innate biological programming that would render women “less cool” with ONS. If you are one of them, by all means, go have your ONS, FWB, etc. But if you are like MOST women, and find the experience physically and emotionally unsatisfactory for whatever reason, why engage in that ?

    1. 18.1
      ShellBell

      You make some good points SparklingEmerald. I’m curious to know how you define ‘men lowering their standards’ and ‘women not bedding with a man who is beneath her’?

      Are you referring to physical attractiveness?

      1. 18.1.1
        SparklingEmerald

        ShellBell @ 18.1

        Rather than try to give you my definition of men “lowering their standards” I will echo EMK’s words from the OP.

        _________________
        “We’ll sleep with women we don’t like, women we’re not attracted to, etc. And while women sometimes choose that path, they often have regrets when sleeping around.”
        _________________

        EMK is not the only man honest enough to report this. Many men freely admit that they don’t have to love, like or even find a woman attractive to sleep with her. But for a relationship ? My guess is that their standards would be a tad bit higher.

        Also, not trying to be snarky here but I am not sure why I need to define “women don’t bed down for one night with a man they think is beneath her, ” Isn’t that statement pretty clear ? What part of that needs
        clarifying ? I probably should have said MOST women, because there are very few statements that could apply to any group of people 100%. Honestly, I am not trying to be disrespectful towards your question.

        Do you know many women who go to bed with a man they don’t love, like or are attracted to ? Of those women, how many of these episodes involved drugs or alcohol ? How satisfying was the experience for them ?

        I guess you could say that I am referring to PERCEIVED physical attractiveness, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If a man doesn’t find a woman “attractive” he may still go to bed with her for a ONS, but he wouldn’t consider her for an LTR or marriage. At most they will be friends with benefits, although I have my doubts about how “friendly” or “beneficial” this arrangement is for the woman. Most women won’t bed down for one night with a man they don’t like nor are attracted to. Many won’t even get into a relationship if they like the guy but aren’t attracted to him. When women DO get involved long term or married with a guy they like, but aren’t attracted to, the results can be very sad for both of them. Search the archives of this blog, I think there are at least TWO letters from women who got involved with men (one married him) that they weren’t attracted to.

    2. 18.2
      Jamie Scott

      The issue isn’t whether or not someone should engage in an activity they don’t enjoy. The issue is people making the claim the general differences between the sexes is instinctual and independent of culture, socialization, and social norms which is flagrantly wrong.

      There are many things people dislike for whatever reason. That doesn’t mean everything someone dislikes is a result of human evolution or human instinct. For example, I hate mushrooms to the point of revulsion so I don’t eat them. However, I don’t go around claiming humans evolved to hate mushrooms and anyone who likes mushrooms some anamoly who is overcoming human instinct.

      Another example, I grew up in an English speaking country and have been taught/socialized to speak English. However, I don’t claim all humans instinctively speak English.

      1. 18.2.1
        Amy A

        Obviously I’m not claiming that all humans have instincts based on my individual feelings. I’m repeating the message of an entire field of the social sciences that has rung true and been incredibly useful to me; if you don’t like the message, feel free to reject it in your own life.

        1. Jamie

          That’s actually exactly what you claimed.

  19. 19
    Amy A

    It’s simply more satisfying for me when I have an emotional attachment. More fun sexually, more comfortable, easier, hotter… and there’s no emptiness when it’s over. It feels healthy to have sex with a partner and unhealthy to have sex with someone random. This is just how it feels to me – I’m not saying it’s unhealthy for everyone.

    I always shoot for the 60-day rule (90 sounds like a REALLY long time!). I don’t usually make it, but if I make it 45ish I’m happy. In my experience most relationships progress at just about that pace, so that by the time I’ve known him that long, I trust him, I like him, I know a good deal about him, and I know that he really likes me. I also know that I get a lot more respect from a guy and a higher likelihood of a long-term relationship when I get to know him for a month or two before sleeping with him.

    I can sleep with people outside a relationship – I have no moral objection. It’s what a lot of people do. I’m a grown woman with a healthy sex drive and I get to make my own choices about this. It’s just such a poor substitute for the real thing that the in-the-moment fun usually isn’t worth it to me.

  20. 20
    armenia4ever

    How much does this vary depending on age? I’m 26 and I’ve noticed that while this is true, I doubt its over 50% among my generation.

    ” We’ll sleep with women we don’t like, women we’re not attracted to, etc. And while women sometimes choose that path, they often have regrets when sleeping around.”

    This might be true regardless of age. I’ve had at least 2 friends with benefits who I enjoyed the sex with, but I just wasn’t attracted to them.

    Thought about one night stands: It’s far better to have repeated “one night stands” with the same person – some kind of friends with benefits relationship – as you aren’t constantly worried about how good your body will be in the eyes of the other person.

  21. 21
    Stacy

    I agree with Amy. For me, it’s not even that I can’t have sex without detachment (and I certainly can in theory), but why would I want to? For me, sex alludes to a certain measure of trust. Why would I just want a random up inside me getting all this good lovin’? Uhhh…don’t think so. In fact, I can pleasure myself and get better satisfaction than with a random because I know my body and I know what it takes to give me the big O. So, if I am bringing up my number count, it would have to mean something.

    By the way, I have had sex with a couple of people in the past, and I was the one who lost feelings afterward.

    1. 21.1
      ShellBell

      Stacy, totally agree with you that sometimes self pleasuring gives better satisfaction! But it still can’t replace intimacy with a man you are attracted to, even if it is just for the night 😉 I agree the sex is definitely better with someone you have a trusted and passionate relationship with, but what to do if that is not the situation you are in? And what if you still want sex, but are not interested in a commitment or relationship?

      I didn’t want a relationship or commitment with anyone for quite awhile. During that time, I found it very easy to separate emotions from sex. ONS and NSA was easy for me, it gave me what I wanted, without disrupting my life or distracting my thoughts with emotional BS. I could go out, have fun, get a little pleasure, and then go back to my life as usual the next day, without feeling any sort of obligation to the guy I had been with. In fact, if they seemed to show too much interest in me early on, as in wanting something more serious, exclusive or committed, I would drop them and run.

      In regards to your comment:
      “Why would I just want a random up inside me getting all this good lovin’?”

      I think it has a lot to do with your frame of mind and outlook on the situation. When I decide to be with a man, I’m not thinking about it in terms of ‘what he is getting from me’ or ‘what I am giving to him’, frankly, I’m only thinking about what I’m expecting to get out of it (LOL). I think this is the difference between feeling used or guilty the next day, versus if he satisfied me enough to maybe give him a call again sometime.

      Now don’t get me wrong, when I say I’m only thinking about what I expect to get out of it, that doesn’t mean I am just lazy in bed and not doing things that make it pleasurable for him too. Pleasure on both sides makes the whole thing way more hot and passionate, if that is lacking on either side, then it’s pretty much just boring sex and won’t go beyond a ONS.

      Has anyone had NSA sex with someone and it eventually turned into a relationship? Interested to hear from both men and women about their experience with that.

      1. 21.1.1
        Karmic Equation

        With the exception of my first bf when I was 20, where we dated for about 8 weeks before having sex, all my relationships started with NSA sex.

  22. 22
    Karmic Equation

    I can’t have sex without emotions because I can’t have sex without liking the guy. This is assuming we all categorize “liking” as an emotion.

    I believe that the “liking” a woman feels BEFORE she has sex is a REAL feeling but that most (if not all) feelings BEYOND liking that she feels AFTER sex are oxytocin-induced. The problem is that oxytocin isn’t like other drugs. It doesn’t make a woman high; it doesn’t make a woman down; it causes her to HAVE FEELINGS that she otherwise may not have.

    For me, personally, I learned in my 20’s to dismiss any “feelings” I have towards men in the 3-5 days after sex. Come day 6, if we hadn’t had sex again, the man–and whatever feelings I may have had–are gone. I usually don’t give him a second thought. And FTR, I only had two ONS when I was in my 20s 🙂 I made out with about 2 more guys that never went beyond heavy petting, so I don’t count those events. But after some illogical feelings that resulted from my first ONS (I was feeling bad that he didn’t call me after sex…but I remembered on day 4 that he didn’t ask for my number and I didn’t offer it…so it was impossible for him to call me — and the sex was not even good, so it was beyond me why I was missing this guy I didn’t know and wanting him to call me when he couldn’t).

    I was married through my 30s and then divorced just before turning 40. And I’ve had two ONS since, one resulted in an LTR of 6 yrs, and the other I don’t even remember his name. I remember I thought he was really cool and I liked him. But afterwards, he called me only one time afterwards and he had been calling every few days before we had our date/sex. And quite truthfully, it was about a week after he had stopped calling before I realized I hadn’t heard from him. While I liked him enough to have sex with him, I obviously didn’t like him enough to notice he stopped calling. I could do this because oxytocin has little to no effect on me now.

    Desensitizing myself to oxytocin effects makes it possible for me to not invest in the outcome of sex. And being able to disassociate the feelings I have AFTER sex allows me to have relationships that begin without commitment.

    With the exception of my first relationship, all my other LTRs, including my marriage, began with sex and NO commitment (my husband was not even my bf before he became my fiance, lol).

    I don’t think any woman can have sex “without emotions”. However, I think ALL women CAN have sex and OVERCOME their oxytocin addiction AFTER sex if she really wants to. Meaning that guys can’t hurt a woman after sex unless she lets him…because she believes in the FAKE feelings that oxytocin induces in her.

    Stop believing those feelings are real. Instead start telling yourself those feelings are NOT real UNLESS they are supported by his consistent efforts AFTER sex.

    I’ve noticed that I start thinking about a guys flaws and all the things I wasn’t crazy about at around day 3-4 after sex, as long as we don’t have sex again in the meantime. So perhaps, for women who want to try to overcome their oyxtocin addiction, she should AVOID sex for 7 days after the first time she has sex and start catologing her feelings after that 7 days. THOSE feelings are the real feelings…not the feelings in the 3-7 days that oxytocin is still having in her system.

    “Missing him” IS a real feeling, but it’s NOT HIM that she’s really missing. She’s missing the object that gives her her oxytocin rush. Just like an addict missing heroin because she’s coming down off the heroin high.

    Do you want to be a drug addict? Even if that drug is naturally biologically produced rather than man-made? Not me.

    1. 22.1
      Love's Explorer

      Wow! KarmicEquation, thanks for this explanation. It really helps me understand why I’m feeling so attached to the man I’ve been having sex with, even though I don’t consider us to be very compatible for a long-term relationship. I’ve been training myself to be “addicted” to the rush I get from sexual activity with a certain person. Perhaps now I can step back a bit from this wave of feelings and deal with things more realistically.

      I really enjoy casual sex with a regular partner, but I always tend to get uncomfortably attached (even in the face of glaring flaws in the man’s personality). I guess we’ll see if I can handle this situation more smoothly now that I understand it better intellectually, or if I’ll need to follow the 60-90 day rule.

  23. 23
    Sasha

    I’ve never waited 90 days myself, but I’ve only ever had sex when I felt close to certain that the relationship had a future. I don’t think it takes a specific formula like ‘wait 90 days then you’re onto a winner’ – often you can tell much sooner than that how a man views a future with you. Any time I have felt uncertain of a man’s affections for me I have withheld sex. In my last relationship I even specifically said when we were in bed that I liked him a lot, but I don’t have sex outside of relationships. Result? 4 year relationship! I’ve also NEVER regretted walking away from a sexual encounter – and every single time I’ve done that, the guy has turned out to be (as expected) not interested in me at all, and only wanted sex. I think women need to trust their intuition more and not invest so quickly in a fantasy – which is all anyone is until you *really* spend a lot of time with them. Don’t be afraid to walk away and don’t be afraid to tell it like it is – if they’re just playing around then they can feel free to move on. No one needs to get hurt.

  24. 24
    Kelly

    I recently “dropped” a guy who made it clear to me that what we had was a FWB relationship — for over two years! Yes, I let it continue that long. No, it wasn’t because I had low self-esteem or couldn’t find anyone else. I really truly liked him. In fact, I fell in love with him and it got very emotional. BIG MISTAKE — because the only person that benefited from the whole thing was him. He was very caring, kind and did a lot of things for me. I would even say at times he was jealous when other men approached me. Feelings get in the way of a FWB relationship. He was an amazing guy, genuine person, and the sex was incredible. I don’t feel gross or disgusted it happened. But now in my life, I just need (and deserve!) more, and he certainly isn’t ready. I guess timing is everything!

  25. 25
    AAORK

    Wow. Did you even read your own words?? .. you say “He was very caring, kind and did a lot of things for me .. was an amazing guy, genuine person, and the sex was incredible” .. and then you claim “the only person that benefited from the whole thing was him” Huh? .. well, it’s OK. We get it, princess.

  26. 26
    judy

    Well, same old story. A woman or a man can sleep without feelings – it’s that simple. However, if you want a partner to STAY, you are more than likely to hear the comment that you were “easy”.

    I don’t buy this. A man once told me that and I countered with, “You were there too, weren’t you?”

    Personally, I think Friends with benefits is a selfish act. Do you really use your friends and then say, bye?

    1. 26.1
      Karmic Equation

      Sure. Friends borrow money from friends and never pay them back plenty of times.

      Presumably both parties get enjoyment out of the sex, else the party not enjoying it shouldn’t do it. Much less selfish than the friend who borrows the money and doesn’t give anything back, right?

      If one party is expecting MORE than just sex to result from the benefts, that party needs to come clean instead of of assigning fault to the other party who made no commitment.

  27. 27
    Gina

    Interesting. Figures are figures but I also think that there is social pressure for men to report casual sex as positive even when it is not necessarily the case. Please do not judge men but before meeting my current partner (and soon to be husband) I had over 70 different sex partners, including two there’s ones with 4 different men, one night stands, sex buddies and formal relationships. Now, as I have learnt from previous experience, your sexual past is irrelevant and I wouldn’t like to upset my partner for something that it no longer exists, we’ve had a policy of not asking about it unless it is needed. He simply assumes I slept with my formal partners which are 4. Once he said to his male friends that he slept with 20 people but he confessed to me the actual number could be counted with one hand but he felt under buddy’s pressure to be a ‘man’. I also know that if someone asked me about my actual ‘number’ they would think I’m a wh*’re, that I was sexually perverted and deviated and so on…so I choose not to tell the absolute truth about it because it won’t make any difference to anyone anyway. At all this, I’ve always been faithful when I’m in a relationship or even when I had something casual that wasn’t specifically addresed as exclusive. I’ve experimented enough and now that I’m 25 I know that what I want is to settle down in monogamous marriage and have a family. My partner is 32 and was single for 8 years before meeting me. He didn’t have any sexual contact for 20 months before meeting me. He says he got tired of things that led nowhere and that he craved for a serious relationship. I didn’t crave for a relationship but it just happened. What I want to say is that sadly, men and women are under pressured to be ‘players’ and ‘respectable ladies’ when actually sexuality is unique to each and one of us.

  28. 28
    Anne

    I’ve met a guy online a month ago and we hit it off on the first date, amazing attraction and chemistry. We kissed on that date and ended up spending the night together on the second. I was taking him too seriously and thought it would be just sex and a ONS.

    The thing is, we end up connecting at other levels as well and talked a lot about ourselves. We slept holding each other and cuddling.

    We were at my place and he had breakfast the next day and he only left after lunch time.

    I was very surprised because I actually liked him. So after a week we end up spending another night together and we bonded even more. I started to have feelings for him and was willing to see where we were heading, although he referred to me as “friend”. He said he wanted to take me out to a proper date but he never planned for the date and starting contacting me for sex only. I understood that he wasn’t feeling the same way I did, so I called it off. I said to him I can’t do a FWB thing and would like to go on proper dates and slow things down. I never heard from him again, so I guess although sex was great and there was an emotional connection, he didn’t want anything else besides a FWB situation.

    I’m glad I called it off before I got too involved, but what I took from this experience is that I can’t separate sex from feelings and see it as an activity like playing tennis or whatever. And that I should wait to know the guy more before jumping into bed, because I do want a real relationship.

    I’m not sure if women can have sex without feelings or emotions. There are many emotionally unavailable men out there, but there are many emotionally unavailable women too!

  29. 29
    Daniela

    I think a lot of women feel guilty saying they like one night stands…

    Ive had a few and some were awesome and yes some i do regret but thats because the sex was bad. I also regret some relationships.. so what thats life.

    Sex and feelings can totally be separated, good sex is good sex no matter if there are feelings or not.

    I have had amazing sex with someone whose name I dont even remember and I would definitely say its all the way up there with the sex I had with someone I truely care about.

    Its all about how you see it and if you can just let go and have a great time.

  30. 30
    wafa

    Personally, I have had both experiences. Meaning, one nights stands, with no future or whatsoever. and One night stands who actually ended up in two, or three year relationship. I can only explain it by the amount of chemistry there was, the sitting, and the intellectual fusion we sometimes have with people with just meet. On the other hand, and this where I am completely confused, is when I go through the rational, traditional path of dating and waiting before jumping into bed with person, that it actually don’t end up working. So I am asking myself a lot of questions, and one of them  is, why would a guy accept to go on dates, seduces me, spend good moment with me without intimacy, to finally just leave after we past through the first night together? Why are men acting this way these days? I feel like they know they won’t have sex until the forth or fifth dates or even more, and they still enjoy waiting, until they can get what they want??? Are we women fooling ourselves by saying with no sex, guys won’t leave…??Are we fooling ourselves by putting ourselves through all these rules of dating for at the end, being fooled back…Don’t we have to change our dating methods??

    1. 30.1
      Karmic Equation

      Most women have ONS with guys they consider “hot”.

      “Hot” guys have options. Usually lots of them.

      So unless you’re as hot as the hot guy, he’s unlikely to stick around because he thinks he can find a hotter option than you. It’s fun to sleep with hot guys. It’s futile to yearn for a relationship with him though. So sleep with that hot guy if you want. But expect him to disappear after sex if you’re not as hot as he is, e.g., he is “out of your league”.

      If you ARE as hot as the hot guy, then after his lust has been sated, he can more clearly assess your compatibility and a lot of guys decide you and he aren’t compatible after sex and then disappear.

      There’s a saying: Women think clearly before sex; men think clearly after.

      If you’re starting to get disappointed or bitter at men disappearing after sex, don’t have NSA sex.

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