Should I Be Concerned If My New Guy Is Into Porn?
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Dear Evan,
I met this guy online and he is incredible. One thing though, I saw a bunch of porn magazines in his bathroom. Should I be concerned?
Tarry
Dear Tarry,
Uh, no.
And for the sake of having a blog post longer than two words, I’m going to try and think of five reasons that you shouldn’t be too concerned.
- He masturbates. The porn helps to stimulate him. It would be far stranger to if he didn’t have porn. When your sexual peak has passed you by at age 18, when your hormones are no longer raging, and when you’ve had your fair share of sex, it takes more to get yourself going. Magazines don’t even work for me anymore. Good for him.
- He left it out in the open. This is not a guy who feels he has something to hide. Isn’t that much better than a guy who has an alphabetical stash of DVD’s piled up in the recesses of his closet?
- He’s comfortable in his own skin. I remember going to a writer’s house back when I was 24 years old and seeing a Playboy in the bathroom. I thought it was so edgy to display it in the magazine rack. And he had a wife who let him do this! Years later, I can’t understand why I found this so remarkable. My Playboy sits in the magazine rack next to my toilet. My girlfriend and her best friend were just citing the Norman Mailer piece in this month’s issue – her best friend read it at her boyfriend’s place. Honestly, ladies – there are some really good articles in there.
- He probably isn’t going to be vanilla in the bedroom. A guy who fantasizes in a healthy way is more likely to mix it up a bit.
- He openly appreciates the female body. We can discuss airbrushing, fake boobs, unrealistic standards, the male gaze, and the negative societal impact of pornography – all of which is valid – but the simple truth is – men look at breasts with slackjawed wonder. Better to understand this very base desire than to fight it every step of the way.
I’m sure there are more reasons, but it doesn’t much matter. All that matters is if YOU’RE okay with it. If you’re not, all of the above rationalizations won’t mean a thing to you – and are most likely to piss you off.
But I’ll tell you, whenever I hear about a woman who takes her hubby to a strip club on occasion, I think that’s pretty cool. Instead of trying to enforce the unrealistic fantasy that he’ll never have eyes for another woman, she brings him to a source of temptation, gets him all hot and bothered, and allows him to indulge in fantasy for a night, before taking it out on each him in the bedroom. That’s not just sexy; it’s smart.
Moreover, it’s far healthier than the alternative approach: “Look at another woman and you’re dead!”
Moreover, it’s far healthier than the alternative approach: “Look at another woman and you’re dead!”
Denying someone the right to do something is a sure ticket to resentment. Just ask any disciplinarian parent who’s had a kid rebel by smoking pot or getting an earring. The fight to prevent the act is far worse than the act itself.
To be clear, my “endorsement” of pornography isn’t a blanket statement. Porn can absolutely be problematic. If your guy knows the name of every porn actress, it’s a problem. If he has a lifelike doll that sits with its mouth open in his closet, it’s a problem. If he blows half his pay check at the strip club, it’s a problem. If he locks himself in his room for hours at a time to please himself while you’re in the house, it’s a problem. If he’s into violence or treats you in a manner you don’t want to be treated, it’s problem.
But if he’s got a Playboy next to the toilet?
That just means he’s a guy.
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46 Comments »Filed Under Dating, Sex
Markus 1
For the most part I agree with Evan. Girls, guys look at porn. Really. There’s not much you can do about it. Evan’s guidelines are also pretty good for when it’s a problem. That said, “a bunch of porn magazines in the bathroom” may be close to that line. A Playboy in the bathroom? No biggie. A stack of Swank/Legshow/Club? An issue.
juLiette 2
THANK YOU.
Leah 3
Here, here! It drives me nuts when women think it’s wrong for men to look at porn. Men are visual. Period. As long as they’re not out there hiring hookers and spending every night at strip clubs–I say let ‘em look!
Zann 4
By the way, many women read porn, too…including feminists. Oh yea, I used to get out my feminist flag & wave it about, raging about porn’s impact on how men collectively view women, the power implications, and how young men will be influenced if sucked into porn’s evil vortex. What a mighty tempest in a tea pot. The multi-layered political issues surrounding porn are daunting, to be sure, but I believe we’ve got bigger fish to fry. Like genocide, starvation and war, thanks. And I’m assuming the porn we’re talking about does not involve children, snuff, human slavery or exploitation. Regardless of what anti-porn zealots say, it is easy to separate porn depicting paid, consenting adults and the illegal stuff. And if the problem is women feeling objectified, oh my goodness, why would you stop with porn? You’d have to eliminate about 75% of all advertising and the entire fashion industry. My bigger point is that porn DOES objectify both men and women because it’s supposed to, it has only one goal: to stimulate through fantasy. Why humans like this has been debated by people smarter than me, and I don’t think there’s ever been a definitive answer, but porn’s as old as dirt. But it IS about fantasy, so it doesn’t mean that if your man looks at those cosmetically altered, hairless, airbrushed “perfect” women that he’s suddenly going to expect that you, or the rest of the female population, look like that up close & personal. And look at him! My guess is that he’s not the perfectly smooth, bronzed, abs & buns of steel man you see depicted in most porn publications or in men’s “health” magazines? Does that make you desire him less?As already pointed out, there’s a time when there should be concerns — like when it becomes an addiction and his real world fails to arouse or interest him whatsoever. Like any other addiction, it’s a problem when it starts causing problems in other areas his life: financially, employment, isolation. If a couple is trusting enough, porn can be a fun, reliable resource for those times when lovemaking between you and your familiar sweetie just needs a little kick-start or variety, which happens to the best of us.
BeenThruTheWars 5
Porn becomes a problem when you wake up in the morning and your computer is crashed because your man stole away from your bed at 5 a.m. to sign up on a gay cruising site (at least the bastard used his own credit card). Porn becomes a problem when your man pressures you to accompany him to strip clubs and pouts for days when you refuse. Porn becomes a problem when you are doing a Mapquest on his computer and you go to retrieve something from his browser history — and see what he’s been laying eyeballs on every day for the past three months. (“Extreme Barnyard Fun”?? Give me a break.) Those are indicators of a sexual addiction requiring professional help, or at the very least a 12-step program. That is a case of HIV waiting to happen. Compare and contrast to a stack of porn magazines in your new boyfriend’s bathroom and I believe you’ll see where Evan is coming from.
Marc 6
I’m always amazed when women think that guys have no other sexual outlet outside of traditional sex. What do you think we do when we’re not with you, or not in a relationship? We masturbate. Sometimes, even twice a day!
downtowngal 7
I agree with Evan. I think it’s only an issue if he turns to porn instead of being physical with you. Same thing with women and our ‘girtoys’.
You haven’t said for how long you’ve been dating, but as your relationship progresses you’ll have a better sense of how much his interest in pron affects your relationship. Some couples enjoy watching porn together, it all depends on your comfort zone.
And a note to the guys out there – if you’re trying to impress a woman and don’t know her that well, show a little discretion, don’t keep the playboys laying about in your living room.
Ava Mazur 8
Im jaded on this issue. Yes most people have a healthy relationship with porn. It can be some inspiration for some quality me time. That being said I was in a relationship where my ex’s relationship with porn was an addiction and quite frankly a perversion. I was fortunate enough to stumble across this truth 2 days before wedding invitations were to be dropped in the mail. I ignored all the waring signs: Staying up late on the computer, inability to perform, avoiding sexual realtions with me, lying, mysterious credit card charges (they dont come up as porn just generic names), there was never any history on the computer…lots of little things can add up.
So in summary, I dont really think you have a reason to worry. However, dont be a camel like I was and burry your head in the sand. If your gut says something isnt right…trust it. If you gut says hey hes a horny guy…stop reading my response and go get it on!
gale 9
i was married to a porn addict for 17 years. he preferred movies and mags and many times masturbated up to 10 times a day – to the point of irritating the seminal vesical and ejaculating blood semen. he said he did not find me “attractive” and preferred the mags and flicks. i lived frustrated and feeling unattractive inspite of any and all efforts to ‘jazz’ up the sex scene with props and costumes and ‘talkin’ dirty’. i usually felt like a substitute for the models he adored when he had to close his eyes and concentrate really hard just to orgasm during sex with me.
as for the blow up doll and other ‘signals’ you mentioned above, i thought i might add this: when i met him he had penthouse and playboy mags in open view in his apartment and told me his roommate subscribed to all of the x-rated cable channels. 3 months after we were married i got a phone bill for $300 long distance to 900 telephone numbers — calls between 1 and 4 am when i thought he was sleeping soundly next to me. a few years later he was driving 35 miles to rent ‘illegal’ pornography (in state we lived in) that was copied to video from satellite dish. maybe he was ok and maybe i had the problem – but i prefer men who don’t have such habits and would strongly urge any woman i know to avoid guys like this. and believe me, there are guys out there who don’t over do the porn – they just walk a fine line since this is addicting. just like alcohol and other drugs – pornography abuse makes a man emotionally unavailable. pornography is a slippery slope that can end up making everyone’s life miserable.
JB 10
Hey ladies …one other thing that I don’t think anyone’s mentioned here. You might have a slight problem if he’s looking at GAY porn exclusively….lol He might be on the “down low”. Oh btw do people still look at magazines in this video age ?? Just curious….Oh yes I know Playboy has great articles….LOL Playboy is NOT porn !!
DJ Nelson 11
Oh how I love having the minority opinion. But I will say that everyone should do what they are comfortable with. If you don’t think that men should look at porn then avoid those who do. There are plenty who don’t despite what people will lead you to think. If you have no problem with the overall impact that is has then don’t worry about it. Porn all day and night, just don’t get mad if you eventually start to become uncomfortable with it.
downtowngal 12
Porn in and of itself I don’t think it’s an issue. The situtations described by gale and beenthroughwars suggest symptoms of some sort of emotional instability.
Kat Wilder 13
I agree with downtowngal – porn itself isn’t the problem, but many women are very conflicted about their guy watching porn. (I just blogged about this myself.)
But if anything is being used in such a way that it’s destructive to the relationship and isn’t being addressed in an open, honest discussion, it’s just like an any other addiction.
I wish people getting into committed relationships would have the “porn discussion” then, at least, the couple could decide if they were on the same page about porn and, if not, move on …
Steve 14
Zann Nov 23rd 2007 at 10:07 am 4
By the way, many women read porn, tooincluding feminists.
Yes, but in that situation they call it “erotica”
Steve 15
I see a few people are posting horror stories. Porn is a compulsion and an addiction for many men. I think Evan’s response is referring to the situation where porn is something that doesn’t take over his spare time or detract from his relationship. At that point I think it is time to dump the guy, but I would also say that with football widows or guys who spend most of their free time surfing the net instead of doing something with their lives.
Selena 16
If I had just started dating someone and they left a stack of porn mags in the bathroom, I’d find it really tacky. A stack? We’re just getting to know each other–is this some kind of not-to-subtle message regarding sexual expectations? It sure isn’t a show of respect.
If someone invited me to his home, I would hope that he cared enough to CLEAN the bathroom and was thoughtful enough to put the mags in a cabinet where they’d be convenient for later use if sex didn’t work out with me that night.
suki 17
I’m with Selena. Nudie magazines left out in the bathroom = tacky.
Other than that, feel free to ogle away, boys.
Camilla 18
Right there with you Selena & Suki. It’s the tackiness that is a turn off for me about the stack o’ porn mags.
I think the basic premise that men are visual, and that often includes some kind of porn is a fact. Ladies need to accept that men are wired that way. HOWEVER, ladies also need to know themselves enough about what they can handle and what they cannot. Do you have a zero-tolerence because it makes you jealous, tearful, and crazy? If so, then you best find a guy who isn’t into it, or you’ll BOTH be miserable.
I think erotic literature is sexy. Not into videos myself, but if my guy was into some higher-quality productions, I’d probably be ok with it. Ditto on mags, sex blogs, etc. I’ve even okay with some pretty edgy stuff, as long as it’s on the artistic side.
What I couldn’t deal with is if my guy was into the tacky silicone-sportin’ stupid porn stars, which seems misogynistic AND tacky to me. I would also dump a guy in 2-seconds flat if he was involved with interactive chat boards, personals, and so forth.
This isn’t saying that I care of OTHER guys are into those things, but I know I wouldn’t respect or feel safe if MY guy was doing it. It’s a compatability issue, not a moral one.
Gigi 19
Yep, I agree that it’s crass to leave the laddie mags out in the open. And I disagree that it’s “just a guy thing”, because not all men are as into it as others. Out of all the men I know/have dated, I’d say only 65% of them actively pursue porn or pictures of scantily clad, splayed-out women. At the end of the day, I would say it’s a lifestyle thing because – let’s face it – what most of the men’s magazines like Playboy and FHM are really selling is a lifestyle. Some guys are just more into that fantasy of the beautiful, unattainable woman. More power to ‘em. Other men I know could take it or leave it.
valerie 20
That’s interesting what you said about compatibility, Camilla. I think I agree with that.
I once went over to this guy’s house and his idea of interior decorating was to pin up semi-nude pictures he’d torn out of magazines all over his walls. Even the desktop wallpaper on his computer was a picture of some starlet showing some skin. It wasn’t his objectification of women that offended me. It was his aesthetic.
Karina 21
I prefer not to know if he is viewing porn. If I watch it, I prefer the soft type and I do it alone, very ocasionally. I just don’t feel confortable seeing it with him, not so much because I don’t want to be compared to a woman 20 years younger with a perfect body which is hard for me to compete with but more because I am not interested in another man’s body, I am very attracted to my husband and don’t need to watch another man in action.
I think he sometimes discreetly may look at it but I am sure it is not something frequent. If it became an addiction or interfered with our intimacy I would certainly have a problem with it.
Like Steve said, men who view too much porn have too much time in their hands and not enough interesting things going on. Let’s just say that a man who abuses porn is a loser with issues.
As for the magazine in the bathroom, it is tacky. He should respect her more. Imagine a guy comes to his new GF’s house and sees a playgirl in the bathroom, how would he feel?
Karina 22
Also Evan, I would never condone or go with my man to a strip club. Really! Maybe we should start having 3somes as well! Maybe if I were a lesbian yes, but I am not, so why do I want to go see my husband hanging out his tongue for another woman, or applauding while another woman puts her breats on his face…oh please Evan. I think you are too young and naive!
doubledogdareu 23
What some of the women are alluding to here (and I agree) is that there is a classy way to appreciate the female body, and that is to be discreet.
Sure, men are naturally wired to be visual, but just because one is innately predisposed to do something doesn’t mean you let it all hang out when you’re doing it.
We naturally need to eat, but we chew with our mouths closed. The toilet is considered a private place for natural bodily function. We can’t have sex in public no matter how “natural” it is. You’re supposed to be discreet when you pick your nose, scratch your balls, or even adjust your bra strap.
So, fellas, women don’t necessarily want a reminder of what makes you pop a chubby, or want to know what you’re wanking to when we’re not around. That’s you taking care of your own priimal bodily business.
Do us a favor and please put the stuff away when we come over, alright? Thanks.
Nicole 24
I can certainly understand that everyone has a different perspective, however I fall into the “uncomfortable with porn” category.
I dated a guy for 5 years and there were “red flags” everywhere. He was involved with: downloading photos of topless young girls, chat rooms, inabiltiy to perform, late nights of the computer, lying, admititng to being a “porn addict” at one time, and so much more. In time, we were married. I failed to listen to my instinct that there were many things wrong and I was uncomfortable and angry. Within 3 months of our marriage, I snapped and left him. We have been apart for about 2 years now and it is still something I am struggling to be okay with.
Ladies, listen to your instincts. Your gut reaction means everything. Do not let these things slide, as they only get worse with time.
Good luck.
J 25
I personally don’t feel really comfortable with seeing the stuff myself because I know I look nothing like the women in those magazines and movies. Even if HE doesn’t expect me too, it is hard to get those images out of you head and not feel unappealing in comparison. I just don’t get off on looking at women with large boobs and who are spread eagled all over everything wearing nothing. These images are all over personal pleasure objects for women too. Rarely is there a man in all his glory on the package of a vibrator – even if it is made for and primarily marketed to women. This is true of most type products – almost always the naked woman. There is something of an equivalent to this comparison in that many men would rather their girlfriends or wives not leave out BOB (battery operated boyfriends) in plain view. Some pay close attention to the size and length and get offended if they think BOB is more endowed than they are, or more needed ; ) and/or more satisfying. I think it depends on a person’s needs vs that of their partner and finding some way to compromise to the best of both of your abilities. But does mean you have to find a range YOU ARE BOTH relatively good with. Any time something is taken to an extreme -whether consciously or because one is addicted and no longer in control – then it is a problem. But what is extreme to one person won’t be to the next. I haven’t read Maxim or Playboy, though I am sure there are some good articles in there – I don’t want to see all kinds of stuff on parade that I don’t even see in my own mirror (itty bitty t!tty committee charter member and all that) to get to them. That said, both Men’s Health (clearly not porn) and Esquire (definitely guy oriented but a great read for women too!) are fabulous and very edifying as well as entertaining – for females as well. I wouldn’t look down on a guy for having a Maxim or Playboy – though would prefer it more discreet than on the coffee table -, would not want to look down on the woman on the cover (literally), but would be delighted to find he has a subscription to Esquire and to Evan’s blog/newsletter : )
Mike Paahana 26
i luv porn at first my gf when get all messed up about it but after a while she no give me greif anymore or i just make like no beeg deal
hunter 27
..some therapists say, porn deteriorates the mind, slowly….
Alex 28
I watch porn, alot. My wife knows it. I don’t think she minds it…but look at it this way…in our situation…i work wed. through sat, 7 pm to 7 am, and she works second shift, so by the time we actually see each other i am sick of the porn and ready for the real thing. so in my case its a substitution so i don’t go insane…and thats what i think its meant for.
Sahaja 29
Look, men or women can have other outlets other than their mate, but do we have to have all out there? I don’t care if you watch porn or have mags, but dont but all out in stacks in ur bathroom or on ur comp desktop or plastered all over your walls – Its cheesy and disgusting. I don’t even care about it in a political feminist manner or if objectifies women or men, b.c they legally signed up to do it. I agree with the above women who say its just plain tacky. Do what you want, and maybe Id enjoy it with you from time, but dont have it everywhere.
Muffin 30
I’ve been with my partner for 2 years plus now…
I do not feel comfortable with him looking at other women..porn..magazines…i feel strange thinking about how im going to feel when we go to the beach together for the first time.
I am a beautiful, sexy female…and I wouldnt mind him looking at other women..if I could truly know what he was thinking when he saw them. I dont feel comfortable with the thought if he is looking at another woman and thinking that she beautiful or thinking about what sex would be like with her. If I knew when he looked at women, it was the same as when I looked at men (the thought of..oh another human being) then things would be easier for me.
I have trust issues and I feel that I am beautiful enough that he does not need to look at another woman to get off..if he cant go a few hours with out sexing me…then he has no self control, which is a total turn off. I think it should be what ever people are comfortable with, my partner knows im not comfortable with this…so he does not do it. If it is not an unhealthy addiction…then when asked to quit, it should not be a problem. If you are sneaking it behind someones back..and having to lie about viewing things, then it is obviously more important for you to look at other women…than to be happy and appreciative for the one you have. I know what im worth and know what i deserve..and if a man cant give me that…then its on to the next. Everyone has somebody out there for them..
Janie 31
Evan, for the most part I agree with this one, except one part. When you say take your man to a strip club and let him get all hot and bothered then bring him home to "relieve" him – isn't this an open invitation for him to fantasize about someone else while he's having sex with you? As a female, I have been self-conscious of that feeling of doubt at times, especially being in a long-term relationship with a guy who's only had one sex partner (me). Women do not want to feel like rag dolls or second best, like they are just filling in for some fantasy. I think the porn industry has ruined sex because it's so available and guys are so overstimulated by it they can't have a normal sex life with a woman. Magazines were one thing but everyone and their grandmother can get loads and loads (no pun intended) of free porn with the click of a mouse these days.
Joe 32
@ Janie:
I suppose no woman ever fantasized about someone else while having sex with her man?
Karl R 33
Janie said: (#31)
"I think the porn industry has ruined sex because it's so available and guys are so overstimulated by it they can't have a normal sex life with a woman."
Porn is kind of like alcohol. I can have a glass of wine every night without adversely affecting me, but some people destroy their lives with it. When I'm between relationships, I'll watch porn regularly. When I'm in a relationship, I'd much rather have sex. Fortunately, my girlfriend shares my desire for a very active sex life.
Janie asked: (#31)
"isn't this an open invitation for him to fantasize about someone else while he's having sex with you? As a female, I have been self-conscious of that feeling of doubt at times,"
Most of the fears you express are simply fears. Could your boyfriend end up fantasizing about someone else during sex? Sure. That could happen even if he's never looked at porn. Porn stars aren't the sexiest women around. They're just the women who have sex in front of a camera. He's much more likely to fantasize about a movie star, a hot woman at the gym….
It's also my understanding that women fantasize during sex as often men. So think about how often you fantasize about other men during sex, and realize that your boyfriend probably fantasizes about other women a the same amount.
And if it makes you feel like a second best rag doll for him to be fantasizing about other women that much, then why are you subjecting him to the same kind of behavior?
Bill 34
@Janie #31
I dated a woman (in our 30's) who liked taking me to strip clubs – she loved to see my reaction to the girls, and the great sex we had afterward. She saw it as a fun, exciting and harmless shared experience. So not all women think as you do – it's all about perspective. (Note-I never once said I wanted to go to a strip club, this was all her idea.)
That you have issues of feeling self-conscious doesn't mean the man your with doesn't love how you look, how you smell, and how you feel. Guess what – if a man is still having sex with you he likes how you look, how you smell, and how you feel! Hell, he's chosen you over other women (including those strippers at the club you're comparing yourself to). He went home with YOU, not them!
Your statement that "…guys are so overstimulated by …[porn]… they can't have a normal sex life with a woman." speaks of a naivete about sexuality and is rather insulting to men. That's the same kind of argument that Prohibitionists used – that some group (in this case men) can't control their base instincts so need to simply be kept away from some "thing" that makes them lose control. Why would you want to be with a man who can't manage his own base instincts and desires? Not a very trustworthy man, eh?
Quite simply – Men do not experience arousal the same way you do. Men are [gasp!] different than women!
Jessica 35
I never had a problem with porn mags until my last boyfriend… We dated for 7 years and I just broke up with him a few months ago. He hid it from me, and i was amazed at what I found after I realized he was hiding them! So I never fully trusted him, because he hid stuff from me. Now I am dating someone new, and I’m madly in love with him. He has a lot of magazines and they are all over his house… They are spread all over the garage, magazine racks are full in each bathroom and there is even a large stack in the living room… So, do you think that I should be concerned? I wasn’t really at first, because he didn’t hide it, but the other night he got a new one in the mail and he opens it up, smiles and says Nice! OOOOOO Boobies! Right in front of me. It actually kinda hurt my feelings!
sasha 36
porn — so juvenile and pathetic. that’s all i have to say about that. and after he jerks off to his little magazine or dvd he rolls a big fat one. grow the hell up already.
Denise 37
Bill #34
Very good post and this is what men talk about when they say they want a woman to ACCEPT them for exactly who they are.
There are things that are instinctive on women that I’m sure many men just don’t get; men tend to just accept things though, rather than bad mouth them or make the woman feel like there is something wrong with her.
Men and women are equal, but different.
sasha 38
Men and women are different. Women tend to GROW up after a period and men tend to have the privilege of staying little boys with frat boy tendencies.
Of course that’s not an absolute. But men are typically fantasizing about screwing the girl behind you in line at the Walgreen’s. Accept that? Yeah…And knowing that is supposed to make us want to love and cherish you and share a mortgage with you. Hmmm…doesn’t seem that appealing.
But apparently most women do accept that because THEY are so pathetic. They’ve GOT to get married and GOT to have a baby. If women expected more, perhaps they’d get more and better out of their male partners.
Perhaps men should expect more out of themselves and rise about their base, childish instinct to put their penises in everything but donut holes.
Denise 39
Sasha, I’m sorry you’ve been so badly hurt by men. I’m not sure where the hostility is coming from in regard to women, but I’m sorry about that as well.
Hopefully over time, you’ll be able to refocus your thoughts and attitudes to be more positive and accepting of men and women, how they are built, how they are at their reptilian level in their brains. There is NOTHING anyone can do about men and women and how they are instinctively. Being angry about it and saying ‘should’ is called suffering – trying to control the uncontrollable. Suffering makes us very unhappy and frustrated.
Yes, maybe things SHOULD be different, but they are not and never will be. Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?
You might want to consider continuing to focus on Evan’s materials and answers to the questions women pose to him, along with a lot of the really great comments by both men and women. I mean, you came to this website for a reason, I’m assume it’s because you want to learn and grow and ultimately be happy, with or without a man.
sasha 40
Thanks for the advice Denise. Following the herd isn’t for me. Expect more, get more.
MixTapeJ 41
I agree with many of the aforementioned comments. I personally don’t see porn as a major issue unless it is being abused. There were plenty of instances discussed that are definitely red flaggers. I’ve been with my partner for about a year now. We’re an inter-racial couple, crazy in love! I “stumbled” upon his porn collection a few months back and was quite hurt that none of the chics resembled me even remotely- complete opposites- all Caucasian! My head-space was pretty bothered by it, and still gets warped about it from time to time. We do have a great sexual relationship, and all, but I don’t know if my feelings toward his choice in pornographic viewing should be and/or is a problem. I would love to hear other’s thoughts about this….. And also, how to address the situation.
Sasha 42
MixTapeJ just illustrated the bottom line – sex is great and all, but her FEELINGS about how she sees him and their relationship has changed. Can it ‘change’ back? No, it can only change into something else. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.
MixTapeJ, if all the girls looked like you, would that REALLY make you feel better? It is flattering for a while, but at the end of the day, if you aren’t ok with porn (not saying you aren’t) it’s going to be a problem, unless you are as ‘enlightened’ as everyone else on this site appear to be.
I, too, am in an interracial relationship. He used porn before I met him and still does. I took off my rose colored glasses and see things for what they are. Sex is sex. What is the big deal? If people sit around staring at other naked people, which takes the focus off the person you should be saving your sexual energy for WITHOUT the help of porn, then sex is just something to do because I’m bored, or have to do because he wants it.
I am sure I will get slagged for that comment. But, hey, it’s only screwing, right?
Good luck to you. I hope you can find a way to either deal with it and be okay about it or leave. Those are your only options.
Sonia 43
When your guy kicks you, naked, out of the room so he can watch porn, you know it’s a problem. That’s also when you realize that you need a new boyfriend.
Sonia 44
#31. I’ve had that problem. My boyfriend regularly talks about other women and how hot they are; recently he came home from hanging out with his friend, dragged me to our room, and proceeded to pound the living daylights out of me. As I was sitting up with a big smile, he said: “I saw SO MANY good-looking girls earlier today!” and proceeded to tell me in detail about them. I thought, ‘Geez, way to make it obvious what you were really thinking about just now…’ I tried to let that one go, but by now, I’ve stopped feeling like sex is special for us, because he clearly thinks about other girls most of the time. I can accept that, but in turn, unfortunately, I don’t try as hard for him anymore.
#32. Unfortunately, no. When I’m with my boyfriend, I can only fantasize about him. Maybe this is a problem, but oh well. He should be honored to know that he’s the sexiest guy I can think about. And it’s not even because he’s movie star gorgeous or whatever: it’s because of the connection we have both inside and outside of the bedroom. I can’t ogle movie stars because I don’t know their true character: it’s personality that’s a turn-on for me.
I get that men are encouraged to and enjoy looking at porn and other women …Really, it’s practically shoved in my face everyday. But after a while, you’ve got to wonder – if you’re so into other women, what the heck are you getting out of being in a relationship with me?
I don’t remember the last time my boyfriend said I was pretty, let alone hot. Or anything else positive, except that I’m a good mother to our son.
And when that thought eventually sinks, I’ll really wonder what I’m doing in this relationship too.
Helen 45
If that’s all you shouldn’t worry, I think. Men are not that complicated and overemotional about sex, it is like food for them. This way it is way better if your guy is into porn; otherwise, imagine what you would feel if he was into other women while you are not around.
The fact he is not hiding it may mean he feels rather relaxed when you are with him. Or maybe he wants you to take him the way he is right from the start. I guess it is great.
I personally just freak out from men who are carefully hiding something, afraid of being caught.
Porn for a man is quite normal. The problem is when he starts replacing you with it.
Sarah 46
I”m a female and have personally been looking at porn for pleasure since I was 12. So, growing up and dating men who watched it never seemed threatening to me since I knew what drove them to look at it. However, when I was 18 I started dating this guy who told me right off that porn was a big part of his life. I thought, “it can’t be that bad” since I had no idea how bad it could be. I wanted to emulate some of the pornstars as girls above mentioned and he would constantly tell me how he was just “jaded” with traditional sex and needed more variety. He would masturbate anywhere from 5 to 10 times a day, but we still had an active sex life. He just wouldn’t “finish” sometimes. I loved him and wanted him to be happy though, and this drove me down a path of BDSM when I was 18. I don’t know if I was really “there emotionally” yet at that age to be doing the kinds of things we did. In my head, we had a relatively normal relationship beyond the sex and so I rationalized that it wasn’t that bad. Looking back though, it wasn’t healthy to feel like I needed to be something I wasn’t and a lot of that was from the amount of porn he was watching. He wasn’t cheating on me or giving me STDs, so it wasn’t “THAT” bad, but it wound up being a dissatisfying relationship and since then I haven’t viewed sex the same. It isn’t that I’ve been abused or anything, but once you start down that slope of “what else can I do to broaden his horizons” you wind up pushing your comfort level to the limit and any innocence will be gone.