Comments on: Should I Be Concerned If My New Guy Is Into Porn?

By: Sarah

Sarah — Fri, 14 Dec 2012 21:33:29 +0000

I”m a female and have personally been looking at porn for pleasure since I was 12. So, growing up and dating men who watched it never seemed threatening to me since I knew what drove them to look at it. However, when I was 18 I started dating this guy who told me right off that porn was a big part of his life. I thought, “it can’t be that bad” since I had no idea how bad it could be. I wanted to emulate some of the pornstars as girls above mentioned and he would constantly tell me how he was just “jaded” with traditional sex and needed more variety. He would masturbate anywhere from 5 to 10 times a day, but we still had an active sex life. He just wouldn’t “finish” sometimes. I loved him and wanted him to be happy though, and this drove me down a path of BDSM when I was 18. I don’t know if I was really “there emotionally” yet at that age to be doing the kinds of things we did. In my head, we had a relatively normal relationship beyond the sex and so I rationalized that it wasn’t that bad. Looking back though, it wasn’t healthy to feel like I needed to be something I wasn’t and a lot of that was from the amount of porn he was watching. He wasn’t cheating on me or giving me STDs, so it wasn’t “THAT” bad, but it wound up being a dissatisfying relationship and since then I haven’t viewed sex the same. It isn’t that I’ve been abused or anything, but once you start down that slope of “what else can I do to broaden his horizons” you wind up pushing your comfort level to the limit and any innocence will be gone.

By: Helen

Helen — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 06:33:41 +0000

If that’s all you shouldn’t worry, I think. Men are not that complicated and overemotional about sex, it is like food for them. This way it is way better if your guy is into porn; otherwise, imagine what you would feel if he was into other women while you are not around.
The fact he is not hiding it may mean he feels rather relaxed when you are with him. Or maybe he wants you to take him the way he is right from the start. I guess it is great.
I personally just freak out from men who are carefully hiding something, afraid of being caught.
Porn for a man is quite normal. The problem is when he starts replacing you with it.

By: Sonia

Sonia — Thu, 25 Aug 2011 15:17:50 +0000

#31. I’ve had that problem. My boyfriend regularly talks about other women and how hot they are; recently he came home from hanging out with his friend, dragged me to our room, and proceeded to pound the living daylights out of me. As I was sitting up with a big smile, he said: “I saw SO MANY good-looking girls earlier today!” and proceeded to tell me in detail about them. I thought, ‘Geez, way to make it obvious what you were really thinking about just now…’ I tried to let that one go, but by now, I’ve stopped feeling like sex is special for us, because he clearly thinks about other girls most of the time. I can accept that, but in turn, unfortunately, I don’t try as hard for him anymore.
#32. Unfortunately, no. When I’m with my boyfriend, I can only fantasize about him. Maybe this is a problem, but oh well. He should be honored to know that he’s the sexiest guy I can think about. And it’s not even because he’s movie star gorgeous or whatever: it’s because of the connection we have both inside and outside of the bedroom. I can’t ogle movie stars because I don’t know their true character: it’s personality that’s a turn-on for me.
I get that men are encouraged to and enjoy looking at porn and other women …Really, it’s practically shoved in my face everyday. But after a while, you’ve got to wonder – if you’re so into other women, what the heck are you getting out of being in a relationship with me?
I don’t remember the last time my boyfriend said I was pretty, let alone hot. Or anything else positive, except that I’m a good mother to our son.
And when that thought eventually sinks, I’ll really wonder what I’m doing in this relationship too.

By: Sonia

Sonia — Wed, 24 Aug 2011 18:07:22 +0000

When your guy kicks you, naked, out of the room so he can watch porn, you know it’s a problem. That’s also when you realize that you need a new boyfriend.

By: Sasha

Sasha — Thu, 30 Jun 2011 22:01:59 +0000

MixTapeJ just illustrated the bottom line – sex is great and all, but her FEELINGS about how she sees him and their relationship has changed. Can it ‘change’ back? No, it can only change into something else. You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.

MixTapeJ, if all the girls looked like you, would that REALLY make you feel better? It is flattering for a while, but at the end of the day, if you aren’t ok with porn (not saying you aren’t) it’s going to be a problem, unless you are as ‘enlightened’ as everyone else on this site appear to be.

I, too, am in an interracial relationship. He used porn before I met him and still does. I took off my rose colored glasses and see things for what they are. Sex is sex. What is the big deal? If people sit around staring at other naked people, which takes the focus off the person you should be saving your sexual energy for WITHOUT the help of porn, then sex is just something to do because I’m bored, or have to do because he wants it.

I am sure I will get slagged for that comment. But, hey, it’s only screwing, right?

Good luck to you. I hope you can find a way to either deal with it and be okay about it or leave. Those are your only options.

By: MixTapeJ

MixTapeJ — Mon, 27 Jun 2011 15:11:20 +0000

I agree with many of the aforementioned comments. I personally don’t see porn as a major issue unless it is being abused. There were plenty of instances discussed that are definitely red flaggers. I’ve been with my partner for about a year now. We’re an inter-racial couple, crazy in love! I “stumbled” upon his porn collection a few months back and was quite hurt that none of the chics resembled me even remotely- complete opposites- all Caucasian! My head-space was pretty bothered by it, and still gets warped about it from time to time. We do have a great sexual relationship, and all, but I don’t know if my feelings toward his choice in pornographic viewing should be and/or is a problem. I would love to hear other’s thoughts about this….. And also, how to address the situation.

By: sasha

sasha — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 18:15:22 +0000

Thanks for the advice Denise. Following the herd isn’t for me. Expect more, get more.

By: Denise

Denise — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 16:37:05 +0000

Sasha, I’m sorry you’ve been so badly hurt by men. I’m not sure where the hostility is coming from in regard to women, but I’m sorry about that as well.

Hopefully over time, you’ll be able to refocus your thoughts and attitudes to be more positive and accepting of men and women, how they are built, how they are at their reptilian level in their brains. There is NOTHING anyone can do about men and women and how they are instinctively. Being angry about it and saying ‘should’ is called suffering – trying to control the uncontrollable. Suffering makes us very unhappy and frustrated.

Yes, maybe things SHOULD be different, but they are not and never will be. Do you want to be RIGHT or do you want to be HAPPY?

You might want to consider continuing to focus on Evan’s materials and answers to the questions women pose to him, along with a lot of the really great comments by both men and women. I mean, you came to this website for a reason, I’m assume it’s because you want to learn and grow and ultimately be happy, with or without a man.

By: sasha

sasha — Sun, 28 Nov 2010 02:20:28 +0000

Men and women are different. Women tend to GROW up after a period and men tend to have the privilege of staying little boys with frat boy tendencies.
Of course that’s not an absolute. But men are typically fantasizing about screwing the girl behind you in line at the Walgreen’s. Accept that? Yeah…And knowing that is supposed to make us want to love and cherish you and share a mortgage with you. Hmmm…doesn’t seem that appealing.
But apparently most women do accept that because THEY are so pathetic. They’ve GOT to get married and GOT to have a baby. If women expected more, perhaps they’d get more and better out of their male partners.
Perhaps men should expect more out of themselves and rise about their base, childish instinct to put their penises in everything but donut holes.

By: Denise

Denise — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 22:15:05 +0000

Bill #34

Very good post and this is what men talk about when they say they want a woman to ACCEPT them for exactly who they are.

There are things that are instinctive on women that I’m sure many men just don’t get; men tend to just accept things though, rather than bad mouth them or make the woman feel like there is something wrong with her.

Men and women are equal, but different.