Pain-avoiders live their lives in fear. They won’t go online because men are players. They won’t get set-up because it never works. They won’t hook up with a guy because he may not want to commit. They try to figure out whether he’s a husband after three dates and pull away if they see any hint of a red flag. As a result, pain-avoiders are VERY successful at avoiding pain; they’re just TERRIBLE at finding love. Their whole existence is structured at protecting them from being emotionally vulnerable.
I’m the complete opposite of you, Valerie.
Pain-avoiders are VERY successful at avoiding pain; they’re just TERRIBLE at finding love.
I have every email that’s ever been written to me by a random woman from JDate. I have photographs of every girlfriend I’ve had in 15 years in Los Angeles. I am friends on Facebook with, um, too many people that I’ve seen naked. (The only ones I’m not friends with are women like you, who have deleted me because it’s too painful. Really? 9 years later?)
So while I understand that YOU think that digital communication means reliving your past; for me, it means not forgetting my past – no matter how painful it might have been.
Now is there any real benefit to saving all of those emails, those photos, those exes? Not really. I’ll admit, I’m a bit of a “hoarder” when it comes to sentimental stuff – that’s the writer part of me. But it seems a bit extreme to purge yourself of all traces of a potential husband WHILE he’s still courting you.
I mean, it’s not like there’s a tangible downside to cleaning out your inbox and separating your men from your friends the way others separate their personal and business expenses.
To me, it’s more symbolic. You’re bracing yourself for failure. And although I can say that 99% of all men are NOT your future husband and that failure is the default setting in any relationship, do you actually want to be a pain-avoider? Or do you want to be a pleasure seeker? Which one do you think is happier? More attractive to the opposite sex? More open and vulnerable and willing to take a chance on love?
Once you know the answer, the rest will be self-explanatory.
Why He Disappeared is the smart, strong, successful woman's guide to understanding men. If you want to learn how men think, and rediscover how to have meaningful relationships - all from a man's point of view - click here to learn Why He Disappeared.
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