Should I Continue My Long-Distance Relationship When We Haven’t Even Met Yet?
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Dear Evan,
I met “Peter” online in January 2011 and have been emailing since. I am Canadian and so is Peter but he works in Silicon Valley. After our 2nd email, I told Peter that I do not believe in long-distance relationships even though I like his profile and he told me that he chose to connect with a Canadian girl because ultimately he wants to be relocated back to home to Toronto, where I live. In the first 2 months, we emailed once every week and in the last couple of months, we emailed each other 3-4 times a week. With all the lessons I’ve learned from you about ‘men should chase women,’ I did not ask when he will visit Toronto/visit me. He would write to say he is planning a trip and then something at work came up and he had to postpone it.
He told me he is looking for a sustainable relationship like me. On your advice, I am not sitting at home waiting to hear from him. I still go out with other guys; I am enjoying dating. (Again, I have learned so much from you. I even go out with guys who are 5’ 7” tall. I never wanted to before, but I am keeping my options open because you are correct in that this short guy could provide me with the best relationship and ultimately be a good partner.)
My question to you, Evan, is should I continue writing to Peter or should I write him a ‘last’ email to say I enjoyed ‘knowing’ so much of him/his work/his family/interest in the last about 5 months but that I am not looking for a pen pal but a relationship, and then move on? I will be very sad if I really have to do that, but I am levelheaded enough and I feel if he is truly looking for a real relationship/girlfriend, he should at least make an effort to visit me. Do you think I am correct? I look forward to what you have to say. Thank you Evan. –Melody
Armed with those tools, you should be extremely confident that you’ll find a man who is attractive, kind, consistent, and wants to be with you forever.
Sigh.
My dear Melody, you’re a living contradiction.
You’re a fan of my work, you’re actively dating and enjoying it, and you’re embracing your feminine energy. Triple Yay for you! Armed with those tools, you should be extremely confident that you’ll find a man who is attractive, kind, consistent, and wants to be with you forever.
And then you tell me this story.
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33 Comments »Filed Under Uncategorized
Bluebell 1
I met a very nice norwegian man on an online dating site. I’m from England. We would email each other every other day then webcam everyday. We would have video phone etc. The hard part is that this went on for one year but he would not make any effort to come see me even though he was vey well off. In the end we just drifted apart. He knew I wanted a relationship but his pleasure was just having a relationship online and I wanted more I guess.
UnderConstruction 2
It could have been even worse: speaking almost every day online, working 10 minutes away and this for 6 months. The excuses for not meeting me were: I still have to deal with feelings for my-ex, I could get too involved emotionally and I am afraid, being afraid that he is not capable of exclusivity. However, we had discussed about serios relationship,being something similar to the one,etc. I played cool, no “chasing”, no questions, no pressure….because there wasn’t a relationship.
However, I couldn’t stand we could/should/would and I told him that I am not feeling confortable in this situation, that continuing would be lack of respect towards myself, that I understand but i can’t tolerate the online environment.
His answer: I am sorry that I can’t make you laughanymore. I understand the situation better than you believe. It would be a pitty to make you feel unconfortable.
I had the final line and now, I am wondering if, for closure reasons, it’s worth writing him to say…hey, I do care and I would be open to discuss but only when/if you would be ready for real communication (as I didn’t literally put it like this)
Evan, I do read the blog and it helps a lot.
Thank you for open my eyes!
I am sorry that you didn’t post this 2 weeks ago and I know….HE IS NOT INTO ME…or not enough
Jennifer 3
I have seen so many people get caught up with pen pals but some of those people I think liked having pen pal instead of dealing with someone face to face.
Christie 4
I have discovered in the time I was doing online dating that some people only want online relationships – even those on dating sites that claim they want a real relationship. There are lots of reasons for this – including the obvious, THEY ARE ALREADY MARRIED.
I didn’t clue into that fact until I was having mixed messages come from someone I was corresponding with online and two of my male single friends said, “duh!” to me. Other guys are just playing around (and I’ve heard from guys that girls do it too)…Personally, I’m way too busy to waste my time with a ‘psuedo’ relationship. And I think the writer ought to ask herself, just how much respect could this guy have for her anyway if she has broken all her rules for him (no long distance, no pen pals), and she hasn’t even met him yet? It screams ‘pushover’ and lack of self-esteem to not good guys looking to target vulnerable women. As Evan would say, “dump him!” 
Darren Miller 5
my last message come out messy for some reason.
Hey Sigh Good on you, keeping your options open, it is always the best way. I say that because, in my opinion, you need to know what you want before you settle down.
To be truthful with you, from my personal experience, long distance relationships are hard work on both sides. If you decide you have the willpower to carry on, there are a few steps I used that you can follow. You both need to be on the same page. If you think you are in a committed relationship with your future partner and not seeing anyone else, but your partner thinks it is an open relationship with no commitment, it just won’t work. The second step is you want to be overly caring with both of you sending gifts to each other to create a bond.
The third way to help your long distance relationship is to take part in shared actives. Pick a day of the week where you share each others interests. For example, if you both like cooking you can both cook together over Skype.
The fourth step is to make a plan with designated times for physical connection, when you will meet each other and enjoy each others touch and smell. It doesn’t matter whether it is every month or six months. The final step is to agree if either person feels the long distance relationship is coming to an end. Personally, I have had a couple of LDRs but in the past I was really lazy and selfish to travel so my down side was my step 4, which in the end lead me to move on.
Steve 6
People will always bring up exceptions to the rule, but the rule is the rule for a reason. If you haven’t even met, you don’t have a relationship.
Flower White 7
Evan was much too kind and gentle with her. He sounds like a a fraud.
nathan 8
After six months, there really should be some movement. Phone calls. Plans to see each other. Something.
When I first did online dating, I had a few women write me for weeks on end. They lived in town, so it wasn’t about distance with them. I loved the discussions, and didn’t have the experience under my belt yet to see that these e-mails probably weren’t going to lead anywhere else. Once I experienced a couple of disappearances after repeatedly asking for a date and getting more discussion in response, I changed my approach to the whole thing and would ask for a date after a few e-mails. Short and sweet.
Certainly, if there is distance involved, you have to handle it differently. But I just don’t get the sense this guy is trying too hard. Which points to the whole thing being a little diversion for him from whatever is going on in his real life.
Real Men Secrets 9
I think (and I had 2 “Long-Distance” relationships) that before you meet the guy/girl you are not really in a relationship, and you can meet with anyone you want in this time (I didn’t think this way in the past but now I do).
+ You will always find that the person is totally diffrent then what you though he is, so don’t raise up your expectations too much!
Steve 10
Good example of where to apply Evan’s classic rule Don’t go by what they way, look at what they do.
Selena 11
I don’t know why this necessarily has to be an either/or situation. You’re not thinking of this guy as a boyfriend, you’re dating other men. For all you know he could be dating other women locally as well. To me this sounds like an email friendship – as long as you’re both enjoying it why the need to break it off? If you become serious with someone, sure, but as long as you’re not serious with anyone does it matter?
And who knows? He might show up one day in Toronto when you are available and you can go from there.
myhonestanswer 12
Love it Evan, this is just my kind of advice!
Gem 13
It just seems like a terrible waste of time. She’s developing a “friendship” with a stranger and even though it appears to be a pen-pal situation, feelings may develop if he plays her the right way. That’s when she’s in trouble.
I’m personally waiting for him to describe some ordeal he’s suddenly going through that requires him to ask for money.
Fawn 14
In my humble opinion – she has already developed feelings for him, hence the letter to Evan. If you want more than a pen pal then I would drop him. This guy sounds like a colossal waste of time.
Selena 15
@#13
Gem, that is an unhappy thought. Ugh.
Nilufar 16
A lot of these guys are into online relationships with women who live far away because…….. THEY’RE MARRIED AND THEY JUST WANNA HAVE FUN or get an ego boost. I caught my husband flirting online with women in South America. When I confronted him, he said, “The fun isn’t getting a woman. The fun is in the pursuit!!!!!”
lux aeterna 17
I think it’s strange that he has made no plans to see her. Surely he could combine it with seeing family and friends? Most people go home once in a while to catch up with their loved ones. He has no excuse really…
I have my own little long distance situation at the moment that I’m uncertain how to feel about. A few months ago I went to Australia and by chance met a guy I connected with really well and fancy the pants off LOL. He told me he has a girlfriend who he never sees as she always has other plans, and that it’s ruined his confidence, but he’s in love with her and won’t give her up despite all his friends telling him to. She is now in Europe somewhere and he is coming over to see her. However… he said he’d like to experience London so I invited him to come and stay with me. Since we met we’ve chatted on Skype maybe 2 hrs a week on average and developed a close friendship, baring our souls. Of course I have an agenda… but I don’t know how he sees our ‘friendship’. He tells me I’m gorgeous and clever etc, so I’m pretty sure he finds me attractive.
He’s arriving in a few weeks time and I’m both excited about seeing him and dreading this potential nightmare. My male friends mostly say a guy would never go and stay with an attractive woman unless there was something in the air, but I really just don’t know. What are your opinions on this, guys? He has said he’s open to the possibility of moving on from his girlfriend and let a new person in if it feels right. Was that a hint directed at me? Would you go and stay with a woman for a week before going to see your girlfriend? Is that normal? I would find it strange if my partner did that. He tells me he wants to cook for me and teach me piano. Quite sweet coupl’y things to do I think.
I guess I’ll know once he’s here. I also wonder about how much I should let him know I don’t see this as a neutral friendship but as a dating scenario. I will be a nervous freak when he arrives so I need a plan of action to either seduce him or protect myself from being a mug. Should I flirt with him or stay stone cold and just observe his actions? I’m confused… any advice will be greatly appreciated. We’re both around 40 and at least I’m too old for games, nonsense and time wasting. I would normally shy away from a vague situation like this but he’s got a hold on me… aaargh.
David T 18
He is clearly interested in you, though what he is interested in exactly is unknowable. Be wary.
You blew through your personal boundaries rather quickly. Even if there is not a good foundation between the for a relationship, that interaction is very seductive; especially if the rest of your lives were lacking in emotional intimacy. Learn if that foundation exists. Remain calm and present in the moment. Be yourself and not in your head (e.g. avoid ‘should I do this?/will he like that?’) if you want to learn if there is anything substantive to be had.
Would he consider moving if it works out? Would you? You are both commonwealth so that allows one to find a job and move w/o being forced to marry. Be careful with your hearts until you know if one is capable of leaving their former life behind completely. That is a tall order and itself will put pressure on a new relationship.
Cecilia 19
@ lux aeterna
“We’re both around 40 and at least I’m too old for games, nonsense and timewasting” REALLY?!
At the risk of being brutal seems like you don’t think you are too old for that at all… and even if it were to become “something” how would you ever trust a guy like that????????
Gem 20
lux,
What could possibly be attractive about a man going behind his girlfriend’s back to start up with another woman? And staying in said woman’s home on his way to see his girlfriend? Eww…
He’s covering his bases by telling you he’s not *really* 100% percent available and that he has a girlfriend-appearing so open and honest. But do you really think he’s been honest with her about you?
He’s going take what you’re willing to give. You’ll be in bed in no time flat once he arrives and then after he’s had you, you won’t be so interesting, and back to girlfriend he will go. I don’t care how cute he is, he’s lacking integrity and frankly, playing this game, so are you.
How trusting would you be if you DID wind up with him? Don’t lie to yourself and think, “But with me he’d be different!”
If he’s doing this with her, he’d do it to you, babe.
My advice for your plan of action is to cancel this whole thing.
Ruby 21
Lux #17
Hmmm…this man has a girlfriend he “never sees”, but he’s in love with her and won’t give her up. He’s coming to Europe to see her, but you’ve invited him to make a side trip to stay with you. “He has said he’s open to the possibility of moving on from his girlfriend and let a new person in if it feels right.” That sounds to me like guy-talk for “I’m going to hook up with you, but keep my options open”. Same with what you see as “couply-talk”. It’s just words for now.
“Would you go and stay with a woman for a week before going to see your girlfriend? Is that normal?”
No, most nice guys wouldn’t do that unless they wanted to get laid. Maybe he’s pissed off at his girlfriend and using you to get back at her… maybe he’s trying to convince himself that he can move on from her. In any case, he isn’t really emotionally available, despite what he says.
If you really want to see this man, have him stay in a hotel, rather than in your home, unless you are simply looking for a fling.
Angie 22
You could say, “I’m not interested in the email thing any longer. If you do decide to come to Toronto, drop me a line and I will see where I am at then”.
I think your contact with this long-distance guy may be affecting your mentality. You might be dating, but you may be acting as if you are already taken.
If he does decide to come, who knows?
David T 23
I need to read these posts more carefully… he is visiting his gf in Europe and you are side trip?? Yikes. Yea, no integrity at all. Don’t go there.
Anita 24
#17
I agree with the other previous posters. I would call him out. You are more deserving than this. Trust me on this. I did this email/phone/video thing with a guy and only ended up with disappointment on my side because he didn’t have the courage to even meet me even on a friend basis.
I said goodbye and cut him out (as I should have for the past six months. That’s another story liken to Austen’s “Persuasion”.) Do NOT waste your time with him, especially if he already has a girlfriend. You or the other girl will be the only one who will be licking their own wounds while he sits pretty. Find a good MAN (not a boy) who has enough integrity and good character to not play you like that.
lux aeterna 25
Thank you all for your great, insightful responses!
I’ve considered all your opinions carefully, and discussed them with a friend who knows this guy well. I feel a lot stronger and clearheaded now, and my romantic interest in this guy has dropped quite considerably, you’ll all be glad to know. I will let him stay, at least for a day and so, play it by ear. I don’t think he’ll try to get into bed with me, he’s a very shy introverted person, with very polite manners. My friend agrees with this. I won’t try to romance him either.
I do agree with you all that he likes to be in the safe situation of having options, and probably enjoys the attention I give him. The idea that he might drop his girlfriend if someone better comes along is a big red flag, I realise that now. That’s way too convenient, and not at all a good reason to end one relationship and start another. Everyone needs space and time between relationships, to mourn and reflect, in my opinion. Jumping from one to the next seems to indicate not being able to be alone, and a certain neediness, not to mention an inability to take control of his love life.
I might pick his brains about his motives and actions once he’s here, as I have nothing to loose. If I find I’m too uncomfortable with him staying at my place I will ask him to leave, and I will not pursue our ‘friendship’ further unless it’s actually become just that – good platonic friends.
Thanks again everyone, and my apologies for diverting attention away from the original poster’s dilemma. Evan – maybe a members forum would be a good place for us readers who need each others advice about our own issues in reaction to your posts?
mslove 26
Evan was pretty real with his statement. This should actually make you lift your head up, push your shoulders back and keep moving.
Disappearing & Silence is pretty strong. Like Evan said, you both have nothing more but a penpal-ship. Just “be too busy” to even notice if he writes you or not. Seems like you like the consistency of him emailing you. He giving you a little attention when in fact that shows that you are taking crumbs.
If you truly want a real life relationship, keep faith keep busy and dont contradict your actions. Sometimes us women contradict what we really want.
Flower White 27
lux
you could be clearer, like not letting him stay at your house, period! I also have a “shy” guy who is involved trying to flirt with me he’s 56!! “stuck in a dysfunctional relationship” with a women he isn’t married too. I told him that I save my tingles for single men! Since then-zip.
WHY waste time picking his brain?? Doesn’t matter what men say it matters what they do. Shy men want nookie, too. If I were him I’d try to see how silly you were and bed you right away. Many ‘shy’ men use their shy routine to get aggressive, needy women chasing them. Female harem, anyone?
Let. Him. Go. 40+ is too old for such games!
lorrie 28
thanks for the advice you gave that woman i have similiar situation were not going together or anything just a guy ive known for almost 3 years now from across the country yet he won’t commit to meeting me or even calling on the phone . thanks for making me realize he’s probably stringing me along
Shayla 29
Wait, “long distance relationship”? What am I missing? You have only been communicating by email. There is no relationship. If you two have not yet met, how do you even know you like him and want to be with him? Let alone start talking about relationship.
I’ll say it again. If a man is not going out of his way to come and see you on a regular basis especially since you are in different places, there is nothing more to talk about. End of story. That is how you make a LDR work.
A man who wants you will move mountains to come and see you. He will make plans and follow through. You won’t need to post and ask questions because his intentions will be clear.
Hope it all worked out in some way though. Either that you moved on or that he stepped up to the plate.
Jack 30
I would bet that the guy is either married or has a girlfriend. But in reality its just a Nigerian scammer who is going to tell you he is stuck or kidnapped in Africa and wants you to send him money. This is a very serious problem on dating sites! I’m not joking.
In fact, I think this blog should warn Naive, Smart, Strong women about the serious dangers of Online Dating Scams. I believe its far more prevalent than reported.
starthrower68 31
jack, the scammers become very easy to detect after a while. they use syntax, grammar and make other mistakes that give them away. many times the pics they use are too posed or contrived for lack of a better term. something is always off.
Daisy 32
I’m in a very similar boat, except we did meet once and I’m not dating…I’m waiting, and waiting, and waiting because sometimes there’s a glimmer, a something…that leads me to believe that maybe, just maybe…
G-d, I’m such a schmuck. I’m grateful to you all for showing me.
Daisy 33
Okay, it’s over.