He moved out and they were separated for about 7 months before he told me she had divorce papers served. During the separation it was hell! His emotions and thoughts were all over the place. I basically felt like his emotional punching bag.

A month or so after his divorce papers were given to him he told me he needed space. I felt disappointed but I didn’t feel like I could take anymore of his hot and cold. So we agreed to “cool” things down. It was more so HIS wish but I complied. It didn’t take long before he was back to seeing me again. But this time I made sure to be cautious.

Flash forward 6 months and he seems to be in a better mode. He has more control of his emotions and what he wants for himself and his kids. I’m happy for this shift of attitude BUT I am very very cautious NOW more than before. I can’t predict the future but I don’t want to be left out to dry either. While he was an emotional wreck during his separation I was patient and forgiving because I told myself that he was just going thru a rough patch. But I don’t give him as much slack anymore and I make sure to tell him where I stand and how I should be treated regardless of the things he’s going thru.

His divorce is in the mediation process. He told me about it the other day. He wanted to let me know that he’s taking steps to getting the divorce process moving forward and not just sitting around like a bump on a log feeling sorry for himself. Don’t get me wrong. There ARE still days where all the transitions of finding his own place and selling their house still stresses him. But it’s far less than in the beginning.

Right now I feel we are NOT as bonded like we were when we first got together. But everyday is taken one step at a time. He stopped saying the L word to me back when we first agreed to “cool”
things down and sadly the L word hasn’t actually reappeared per say. He says he loves me but never directly to me as in “I LOVE YOU”. He uses other words now and I’m ok with that for now. He said he’s not ready to be in a serious committed relationship with me because he wants to get all his crap settled first. I want him to too. But I’m not gonna lie. It hurts that we took 4 steps back and only moved 3 steps
forward.

So for my own protection and preservation, I make sure I don’t give too much of myself anymore or at least for now. I make sure I’m 100% clear on what I’m feeling and what I hope for. He is 100% clear on telling me what’s going on with the divorce and also what his feelings are and what he hopes for. I think this is prob the biggest thing that helps… communicating about what we want. I’ve already told him that as soon as I feel like I can no longer handle being in the background of his life that I will let him know. I feel he has taken this statement to heart and I DO see him making more
effort.

I don’t know how much longer I can take being a shadow while he goes thru divorce and starting his new life. But I DO know that I have not stopped living MY life. I make sure to spend time with others that love me and care for me. I’m
NOT looking to replace him. I believe I have found the courage to realize my boundaries and limits. I DO still have faith in US and a
future together…. But I know that nothings guaranteed. So with that in mind, I’m going to have GIRLS NIGHT OUT while it’s his weekend with his kids…

Men have a hard enough time being giving and caring in the best of circumstances.  After or during a divorce, they are doing even more sucking you dry emotionally.  If you are the kind of woman who enjoys lots of ‘volunteer’ work and having a project, then go for it.  

Personally, I prefer ones who have got their junk together and can prove it…

There is no growth faster than what a relationship brings.  Transitional relationships are necessary for healing but not at anyone’s expense so to anyone who is involved in this kind of relationship, beware!

and For those who are going through it- it is best page to read- I have been casted in all the roles above.. let me elaborate:

Me and my ex separated when he cheated on me, after 15 yrs of marriage with a girl half my age, and I thought I am young, beautiful, successful and can find another man- another part of me wanted a secure home for my children for I know no man can love my children like their real father.

6 months of separation- I met 3 guys (cosmos does send things in 3s )
2 online and 1 in real life.. I have met all in person- so it is more or less real with all..

1st Man- claimed to be divorced- and he could actually understand and talk to me about children and divorce and tension- he claimed to be in love and claimed to have legally separated from wife- we met a number of times for weeks- and there were some red-flags like him not being able to be reached on weekends when he said he went to therapy etc. (do not close your eyes to RED FLAGs- EVER)

2nd Man- successful- younger and single (never married), he was online and met me later too- he claimed to be in love and wanted to marry me as soon as I got divorced, (I had filed for divorce but it took 2 YEARS to get it for custody of children was in contestation in court). This man loved me BUT I was projecting my issues on him since he was never married he had no idea of divorce and children issues which made me feel disconnected.

3rd Man- a long time friend who was separated from wife for 3 years- wife left him, he and I got together to just chill out- before we knew we had a relation and loved eachother (this man I LOVED too- not the other two). 6 months of roller coaster, he has not even filed for divorce- 
………………………………………………………………………..

…..now this continued for 1.5 yrs… here is the OUTCOME:
1st Man- I found out- he is still legally married and shares a home with wife and he had been lying for 2 yrs and NOW he promises to file for divorce. I am so hurt by all the lies that I can not now trust him. – OVER

2nd Man- He is the one who I consider a LOSS.. my own longitude of separation and divorce / custody issues have probably stretched too long. He just could not deal with it anymore. He offered me to move in with him for he wanted a real relation, I asked him to WAIT- WAIT- WAIT. after 2 yrs- he left – OVER

3rd Man- Now after months of waiting he has still not filed for divorce- and I guess he wont be able to. We both were lonely and bed is cold when alone. We understand eachother’s issues YET the physical side that we have shared is now rendered us unable to be Friends as we were. I lost a friend and did not find a lover. We keep our disstance from eachother. OVER
—

in last 2 yrs- I was first sorry for myself- then angry on my ex- then I lost my vigor- then I was split by what to do- and how to secure my future and now I lost all 3 men- the 2nd Man is the one who was READY not the separated or liars. Period
–
now I am finally divorced and single and alone.. and now I just concentrate on my career and home, also all the men have gone from my life so suddenly- it is Empty- atleast there is no more guilt or turmoil. I did not lie to any of them Except that they had no idea there were others.

I was not ready – and now that I m- there is no man. LOL

well- at 38 – I feel old suddenly and my ex is now moving with a new GF again younger and I feel Men Handle is better than Woman. (my opinion)

–
so separated men and women (me) are a NO NO- just befriend them and Wait patiently if you can- they will be able to love you once they start to love themselves fully, which will take time.

thank you all for your responses and I feel good after writing it out.
peace 

However, no matter how much my heart wanted it to work, my head was waving the red flags.  And then on our fourth date he told me “Well, I still love my wife and I guess I always will.”  He also told me that she had slept at their house to take care of their dogs while he had to work late.  After processing all of this for several weeks and going through the grieving process, I told him I couldn’t keep dating him.  It was REALLY painful.  He wasn’t happy about my leaving, but I think he is in the forest right now and doesn’t see that it couldn’t work right now.

All I say is be very careful, listen to your gut instincts.  They are there for a reason.

Again thank you ladies, I want to where have you all been all my life…but I now know I have to be patient and allow my soul to heal. You see my wife after 20yr also asked for a divorce, not finalized but I too felt hurt and immediately wanted to patch up that sucking chest would before I died inside, then I talked myself into thinking I am good go, that it wasn’t me not willing to try and save the marriage – so feeling no guilt, I decided to start looking.

I even think being 43 is late to be dumped and to try to get back into the game, hence this is what may have also fueled my urgency.

By reading here what you gals have written with your true feeling due to the nature and anonymity of this forum, it felt good to her from your perspective. I wish you all the best in your search…

Brad