Comments on: Should I Date A Man Who is Still in the Process of Divorce?

By: Ray

Ray — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 19:27:07 +0000

People who are separated or recently divorced are a bad risk. I would not waste my time with men in that situation… especially if they lied about it.

Men have a hard enough time being giving and caring in the best of circumstances. After or during a divorce, they are doing even more sucking you dry emotionally. If you are the kind of woman who enjoys lots of ‘volunteer’ work and having a project, then go for it.

Personally, I prefer ones who have got their junk together and can prove it…

By: Katarina Phang

Katarina Phang — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:58:59 +0000

Wow Sensual, thanks for a well written post. It succinctly sums up that there is such thing as not being ready for a relationship even when you think you are for both men and women (who typically just got out of a marriage/long term relationship). You won’t know it though until new/same issues come up in the new relationship.

There is no growth faster than what a relationship brings. Transitional relationships are necessary for healing but not at anyone’s expense so to anyone who is involved in this kind of relationship, beware!

By: sensual

sensual — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 10:54:38 +0000

this has come at just the right time-

and For those who are going through it- it is best page to read- I have been casted in all the roles above.. let me elaborate:

Me and my ex separated when he cheated on me, after 15 yrs of marriage with a girl half my age, and I thought I am young, beautiful, successful and can find another man- another part of me wanted a secure home for my children for I know no man can love my children like their real father.

6 months of separation- I met 3 guys (cosmos does send things in 3s )
2 online and 1 in real life.. I have met all in person- so it is more or less real with all..

1st Man- claimed to be divorced- and he could actually understand and talk to me about children and divorce and tension- he claimed to be in love and claimed to have legally separated from wife- we met a number of times for weeks- and there were some red-flags like him not being able to be reached on weekends when he said he went to therapy etc. (do not close your eyes to RED FLAGs- EVER)

2nd Man- successful- younger and single (never married), he was online and met me later too- he claimed to be in love and wanted to marry me as soon as I got divorced, (I had filed for divorce but it took 2 YEARS to get it for custody of children was in contestation in court). This man loved me BUT I was projecting my issues on him since he was never married he had no idea of divorce and children issues which made me feel disconnected.

3rd Man- a long time friend who was separated from wife for 3 years- wife left him, he and I got together to just chill out- before we knew we had a relation and loved eachother (this man I LOVED too- not the other two). 6 months of roller coaster, he has not even filed for divorce-
………………………………………………………………………..

…..now this continued for 1.5 yrs… here is the OUTCOME:
1st Man- I found out- he is still legally married and shares a home with wife and he had been lying for 2 yrs and NOW he promises to file for divorce. I am so hurt by all the lies that I can not now trust him. – OVER

2nd Man- He is the one who I consider a LOSS.. my own longitude of separation and divorce / custody issues have probably stretched too long. He just could not deal with it anymore. He offered me to move in with him for he wanted a real relation, I asked him to WAIT- WAIT- WAIT. after 2 yrs- he left – OVER

3rd Man- Now after months of waiting he has still not filed for divorce- and I guess he wont be able to. We both were lonely and bed is cold when alone. We understand eachother’s issues YET the physical side that we have shared is now rendered us unable to be Friends as we were. I lost a friend and did not find a lover. We keep our disstance from eachother. OVER
—

in last 2 yrs- I was first sorry for myself- then angry on my ex- then I lost my vigor- then I was split by what to do- and how to secure my future and now I lost all 3 men- the 2nd Man is the one who was READY not the separated or liars. Period
–
now I am finally divorced and single and alone.. and now I just concentrate on my career and home, also all the men have gone from my life so suddenly- it is Empty- atleast there is no more guilt or turmoil. I did not lie to any of them Except that they had no idea there were others.

I was not ready – and now that I m- there is no man. LOL

well- at 38 – I feel old suddenly and my ex is now moving with a new GF again younger and I feel Men Handle is better than Woman. (my opinion)

–
so separated men and women (me) are a NO NO- just befriend them and Wait patiently if you can- they will be able to love you once they start to love themselves fully, which will take time.

thank you all for your responses and I feel good after writing it out.
peace

By: liez

liez — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:48:06 +0000

Thank you so much for this blog. I enjoyed reading it till the end.
I am about to meet this guy a week from now, whom I met online thru a dating site. We are both Asian, and he lives in the US. I met him(online) almost a year now, we were talking and I can’t deny that I am liking him. But, distance is just hard to handle. So I told him to contact me when we is able to go back his homeland. So yeah, we started to chat again. I remembered him before that he said he was divorced but I just found out that they are just separated and is about to get a divorce only waiting for some amendments. I did not pay much attention until I have a gut feeling of whether or not to meet this guy or getting intimate. He wanted to meet me in his hometown, and introduce to his parents and the rest of the family, we will b spending days together. But a week from meeting him, he wasn’t able to replied my calls and finally we were able to chat and he said he was fixing stuff about his travel. He told me we can’t be having our planned holiday together coz he needs to fix something. I was like, WTF..Deep inside me, tells me to let go and forget about this guy, but part of me tells me to hold on and give him the benefit of the doubt.
But reading all your sentiments, only scares me..
I am crossing my fingers wither or not to see him next week.
I don’t want my heart to be broken when I’ve seen signs..
But life is like a gamble..I’ll just have to play my cards well..

By: Megan

Megan — Wed, 23 Nov 2011 20:38:45 +0000

Thanks for this blog and all of the comments. I recently went through an experience with a man who was married 30 years and 8 months into a separation. I really fell for him and for the first month, I thought he did for me too. We were so happy and excited to find eachother and he couldn’t wait to introduce me to his children and his family, which he did.

However, no matter how much my heart wanted it to work, my head was waving the red flags. And then on our fourth date he told me “Well, I still love my wife and I guess I always will.” He also told me that she had slept at their house to take care of their dogs while he had to work late. After processing all of this for several weeks and going through the grieving process, I told him I couldn’t keep dating him. It was REALLY painful. He wasn’t happy about my leaving, but I think he is in the forest right now and doesn’t see that it couldn’t work right now.

All I say is be very careful, listen to your gut instincts. They are there for a reason.

By: Brad

Brad — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 16:37:33 +0000

Sorry for the random words my auto correcting iPad as it blatantly interjected the wrong words..just read past them, please.

By: Brad

Brad — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 16:35:17 +0000

I liked the article very much, but what I really enjoyed was reading the relies of so many honey ladies…I was looking for one real insight for how I should proceed, this was actually very informative.

Again thank you ladies, I want to where have you all been all my life…but I now know I have to be patient and allow my soul to heal. You see my wife after 20yr also asked for a divorce, not finalized but I too felt hurt and immediately wanted to patch up that sucking chest would before I died inside, then I talked myself into thinking I am good go, that it wasn’t me not willing to try and save the marriage – so feeling no guilt, I decided to start looking.

I even think being 43 is late to be dumped and to try to get back into the game, hence this is what may have also fueled my urgency.

By reading here what you gals have written with your true feeling due to the nature and anonymity of this forum, it felt good to her from your perspective. I wish you all the best in your search…

Brad

By: Monika

Monika — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 17:20:27 +0000

I am going through this right now and the man I am inlove with is separated from his wife going on a year and a half. He is now going through divorce proceedings, I have given him his space and started dating other people because I dont want him to think I am just gonna sit and wait around for him to make up his mind on whether he wants to be with me or not. We have been dating for 7 months and we have had awesome times, however most recently he left me to go take his stuff from her house to a storage and his inlaws showed up to pray over him and his wife.
This caused him to become distant and tell me he loves me, but he is confused.
I am not a homewrecker and I didnt know he still has feelings for her, just has alot of animosity toward her for using him to raise her sons for several years and once her son graduated admitted he was her second choice. I felt sorry for him, but he obviously saw something in her or he wouldnt have been with her for 9 yrs. Anyway, long story short he claims its been over for about 2 years and yet I feel like Im in a yoyo relationship. So, I am giving him space and I am investing my time in men that are available and will make me the center of my world. It hurts to let go, but its what is best for both of us. Especially me because I have a big heart and I am ready to be loved and give my all to a man that feels the same. I wish everyone the best and I hope you change your mind about dating a married or separated man because the heartache and tears arent worth it!

By: Tamara

Tamara — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 09:02:17 +0000

I was in a relationship the last 6 months with a married man. I’m 31, he’s 52 and told me he was seperated but stuck with his wife who’s 55 and lived in a different city, still together because of finances, a business, etc. He said she was crazy, became a lesbian and they were friends. We spent every day/night together, I met his friends, travelled together, etc. He told me time and time again how much he loved me, begged for my patience, etc. finally after he lied twice about his whereabouts, I called his “wife” on the phone-just to talk woman to woman. That was a low point for me. That night was our official break-up yet he called me many times after. His wife Was rude And in denial. It’s only been a few weeks and I’m still very devastated! it’s hard to leave someone you love but someone who’s “legally” married is not worth it.

By: Shawna

Shawna — Sun, 18 Sep 2011 07:24:06 +0000

I was married very young, probably didn’t even know what love was and when I found out he was cheating on me, I left. He kept wanting for us to get back together and when suggested that we go to counseling, he said he didn’t believe in it. I left. While I was separated I started dating someone else, who was separated. He moved in with me. The next eight months, I lived with this man completely spun out of my mind dwelling inside an emotionally roller coaster, not because I still loved my husband, but something about the paperwork, the failure of a marriage and the fact I felt like I couldn’t make something work. The day I received my divorce papers, it was like I looked at the man that had been living with me and sharing my bed for the past eight months, who I cared for and even loved, like “What are you doing here?” We had a heart to heart talk and I asked him if he had filed for his divorce papers, he said NO. Then I said, “You have to go.” I was not ready to be in a committed relationship with someone so soon and now that I was single again, I surely wasn’t going to wait around for years for him to divorce his wife. I just turned 28, felt free and wanted to go out a enjoy single life. Plus, he had kids and hadn’t even made one effort to get his divorce started. Years later, now at 40, I met a man who is separated from his wife, filed for divorce and swore he was ready to meet someone new and be in a relationship. I was very skeptical, even discussed my past experience with being divorced. He said that he doesn’t feel that way because he’s in his forty’s not his 20′s like I was when I got my divorce. Any way, we went on to date each other and even started to fall in love with one another. Then I started to notice a change in him. We would have so much fun together and whenever it was time to leave, he’d have this look of terror in his face. We would talk everyday sometimes twice a day, but now I wouldn’t hear from him a day or two after we spent time together. So, I ended it because I felt like he still had one foot in that door. He pursued and pursued to meet up for lunch and when I finally agreed, I asked him what was going on with his behavior. He replied with how he felt guilty over being happy with me, when he is putting his kids through this turmoil. Our conversations dwindled. The last time I saw him, he looked like he’d been hit by a bus. The guy that I met and fell for could no longer show up. And I think that he can’t even show up for himself right now. So, I just stopped returning calls and texts. Six weeks later, he’s now calling again. I haven’t picked up the phone or talked to him. I still care for him, but he’s not divorced, he has two little ones and I think I should just keep moving forward and not look back.