Should I Disclose the Number of Sexual Partners I’ve Had In the Past?

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I’ve been reading for a while, and I find myself hopping on your blog whenever I meet a new guy or am faced with a new situation. But have yet to find something to address my question, given all the differences in the way men and women view sex and relationships and communication: What are the rules about disclosing your number of sexual partners and should it matter?

Now of course I think about this more so in a safety sense, not that I need to know how many girls a guy has slept with but more so I want to know that he is safe for me to sleep with. Inevitably though, this question of numbers comes up and I always hate when my number is higher than his or significantly lower. I know it sounds silly but it’s hard to know what a man is thinking when you share this type of thing. Is it better to just keep it to yourself? Do numbers really matter?

Megan

Dear Megan,

LOVE YOU for asking this question. As always, my opinion is just my opinion. Feel free to disagree. (And I know you will!)

So, like the whole “Who Pays” thing, there are different rules for men and women. Mainly because the sexual double standard is alive and well. I don’t endorse this. I report this.

The average number of partners a man purports to have in a lifetime is around 11. The average number of partners a woman purports to have is closer to 6. Of course, this is not true.

Says Dr. Norman Brown of the University of Alberta:

"Every time a man has sex with a woman, a woman has to have sex with a man. So either there are some very lucky joes out there or someone is not getting their numbers right," Brown said.

I know I haven’t answered your question, Megan, but I thought I would puncture a hole in the “men are promiscuous/women are chaste” thing. If a man’s sleeping with a woman, a woman’s sleeping with a man and everybody’s numbers are going up. So there.

And as far as I’m concerned it is NOBODY’S BUSINESS HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU’VE SLEPT WITH.

And as far as I’m concerned it is NOBODY’S BUSINESS HOW MANY PEOPLE YOU’VE SLEPT WITH.

Similarly, it’s none of your business how many people he’s slept with. This is a classic “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation, on par with “Are you dating anyone else right now?” and “Have you ever had a drug fueled orgy with six Polynesian dwarves?" If you say yes, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, and frankly, you shouldn’t have to explain….

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60 Comments »Filed Under Dating Tips & Advice, Sex & Relationship Advice

60 Responses to “Should I Disclose the Number of Sexual Partners I’ve Had In the Past?”

Marc 1

We NEVER want to know your number, and you’d be best served not to ask us ours. I always assume that if a woman is in her thirties, she’s been boned a bunch so the number is probably not something I need to hear out loud. Nothing positive can come from it. All I need to know is that she’s disease free.
Steve 2

Forget the number of sex partners, what about asking about the number of relationships? Whenever I am asked this question by women over 35 I feel as if I am at a job interview and the HR rep just asked me for a list of references.
BeenThruTheWars 3

I love Evan’s answer! You could say, “More than one and fewer than Britney Spears.” Or the D.C. Madam. Or whatever promiscuous celeb you want to pick on. I would say Xaviera Hollander — “The Happy Hooker” — but no one remembers who she is anymore and I’d be dating myself.
Craig 4

Please tell me Megan is not this niave. If the issue is solely safety, what the hell are you asking his number for? The only thing that can definitively decide how safe he is would be a full panel of STD testing. As Evan points out a person with 100 protected partners can be disease free and a person with just one unprotected encounter can have a pretty bad bug.

My girlfriend wanted to know my number and I refused. Keep in mind she asked this after having my negative test results in hand, thus making safety concerns irrelevant. She kept pressing and I refused. Finally she got upset that I thought she’d judge me and that I didn’t feel comfortable and secure enough to tell her anything. So I relented and told her. She got upset and started crying over her obvious horror at the number. The moral of the story is when a woman asks you to tell her your number and says she won’t care no matter what the answer – she’s lying. So don’t do it if you know what’s good for you.
Steve 5

As Evan points out a person with 100 protected partners can be disease free and a person with just one unprotected encounter can have a pretty bad bug.

That happened to a friend of my older sister. She lost her virginity to a college football player and got AIDS at the same time.

I agree with the idea of getting into a relationship first where there is enough trust to ask ( and get your own ) fresh STD tests and evaluate your *friend on they treat you currently
Andrea 6

Thank you.
Damie 7

Amen. I’ve had relationships before where we thought it was best to disclose EVERYTHING. Talk about an argument waiting to happen! But now with my fiance we decided at the very beginning that we would rather not know. We both got tested for STDs and left it at that. Honestly it shouldn’t matter how experienced or inexperienced your partner is. And numbers are just numbers that don’t really mean a thing.
Selena 8

I had a bf who claimed not to care what my *number* was–until times he had too much to drink and would throw it in my face in a derogatory way. This despite he himself claimed to have had too many partners to count back in his younger, single days.

The older you get, and the more years you have spent in between long term relationships, the higher your number might be. And that is not necessarily an indication of promiscuity at all.

I’m all for honesty, but asking someone’s number is irrelevant to health issues, it is pruient curiosity plain and simple. Now in my 40′s, hopefully I will meet someone secure (and mature) enough not to ask such a question. But if it happens, my answer will be, “Enough”. And I will firmly leave it at that.
hunter 9

I used to ask how many partners before me, back in the days, when, I didn’t know much about relationships…nowadays, I have better questions to ask….
downtowngal 10

Y’know, I think it IS someone’s business if you agree to share your life with that person. Not on the first date of course, but as you get to know each other and build trust, I think it’s a fair question to know the other person’s sexual history, as long as you want to know for the right reasons, and not as a way to measure your ego or as a way to test the other person.

While I admit the question seems less important the older you get, if it’s important for your partner to konw I don’t see what all the fuss is about. Especially these days with AIDS and STD’s flying around.
Markus 11

I have to agree with Hunter. Before I got married this was a big deal to me. I should note that I was raised Catholic and still retain some of those values. At the time my number was about 7 (I was 25). Since my divorce, it’s been a bunch and I don’t count. I don’t care. All that matters to me is the prize I’m chasing which I haven’t found yet. I’m 38 and, frankly, very horny and sexual. I assume that my female partner is in a similar situation and has made some mistakes. I think the don’t ask/don’t tell policy is best. That said, if I was asked I don’t know that “I wasn’t counting” would go over well so I might pull a number between 10-20 out of the air. As has been said, the disease part is the important stuff.
Kat Wilder 12

I can’t see any good in asking, “How many people have you slept with?” What is the purpose in asking anyway. It takes one time to lose virginity, and someone can screw 100 people and still not be a good lover.

No one’s asked me, I haven’t asked, and if a guy asked me, I’d have to wonder if it’s going to come back in my face from him one day … which is a much bigger issue than the number of my sexual “conquests.”
Selena 13

WHY is it anyone’s business? Having an STD (or not) is not dependent on previous # of partners. What would be the “right” reasons for wanting such information?
SWF42 14

I will never never never understand why people think they have to know this, or that even if the person they ask deigns to answer, that it’s an HONEST answer.

You need to know the other person is healthy. That’s it. Numbers are for math class and bank accounts.
FD11 15

You know, it could just be way Evan phrased it while the real study only asked regarding heterosexual encounters, but the average man could actually have 11 sex partners while the average woman has only 6 with no one lying.
mrs. vee 16

Just a slightly shifted perspective: I’ve had more than my share… more than 10 and probably more than Britney… on different continents, in subways, vans and kitchens… on the sand, in the water, on tree stumps…with many whose names I can’t recall. I loved my freewheeling sex days, and look back on them with nostalgia.

(Safe) adventurous sex was a big part of me, and now that I’m married, I don’t talk about numbers or my experiences with my husband, who comes from more wholesome stock (so I assume).

I gotta tell you, sometimes I feel like I’m concealing a vital part of myself from him, just for his comfort. And it feels a little deceptive.

I married him for better or worse. Been faithful for years. We share the rich stories of our past. Sometimes I feel my sexual history (in the context of storytelling and in the name of having intimate knowledge of one another) could be his “business”.

Still, I’m not planning on telling him any stories in the near future.
Steve 17

Everyone is asking why anyone would want to know how many sex partners ( notice “sex partners” not relationships ) a mate has had.

The only good reason, as everyone is agreeing upon, is STD prevention and that is not even a good reason. A current medical test is much more helpful. If you don’t feel safe suggesting you and your partner/incipient partner go get one…given what has been in the news the last 20 years, it may be time to move onto someone else.

Now for the bad reasons to want to know

Emotionally masochistic men with low self esteem might want to know as some men consider their personal worth as men to be dependent on the number ( as high as possible ) of women they have slept with. It is a blow to their ego if his partner has had more. These men need to analyze what they think about these things and work on their self esteem.

Eventhough everyone claims “sex is ok” part of many people, men and women somehow feel people who have done it “a lot” ( a lot more than they have ) to be a dirty person. These people need to reevaluate what their moral beliefs are.

Just when you thought we were done with the dating and job hunting comparisons there are people who really look at the two situations in a similar light. If an employer sees a very long work history with very short stays at a job that employer will likely pass on that applicant. S/he will believe that since that applicant had many jobs before that s/he is less likely to stick with the current one. People who have a tendency to think about their partners in this way need to learn how to judge people, trust their partners, and face fear.
Marni 18

Why does everyone assume that people want to know their partner’s number because of STDs? For me, I think someone’s number is an interesting perspective into the person’s views on sex. Call me conservative, but I have rarely had sex outside of a serious relationship, and as such my number is pretty low. In turn, I tend to date guys who also view sex as something more than a fun Friday night activity with that cute girl they met at the bar, and as such, my current beau also has a fairly low number. And I had no problem telling him my number as I do happen to think it is his business, as he had no problem telling me his.

Before everyone jumps down my throat and mentions the girl who was a slut in college and a reborn again virgin in grad school, or the guy who slept with 30 women to get over his ex, obviously everyone’s story and consequent history is different. But if I am going to be just another notch on some jaded guy’s bedpost, then I would rather skip it. Forget STDs, I don’t want to sleep with someone who has slept with dozens of other people because it just cheapens the experience.
Selena 19

Marni,

You illustrate the point that it is people with a fairly low number who find this question relevant. And also that people with a fairly low number WANT to know that whomever they choose to sleep with has a number in the vicinity of their own.

Since you are willing to have sex without marriage, as you get older, you may find you number increases simply because you didn’t *stay* with any one of your partners for your lifetime. I doubt you would then say about yourself, that you had so many it cheapened the experience. Yet, you sure are ready to make that judgement on others.

And no matter how low you think YOUR number is, there are going to be people out there who would make judgements on why you slept with as many men as you did. Let’s hope you don’t run into them, so you can stay atop your particular high horse.
she clubs 20

Now, I’m a self-proclaimed slut who’d never judge a person on the # of partners s/he’s had, but I still can appreciate Marni’s point of view. I would never bitterly refer to her as being on a high horse.

Let her have her standards. If you didn’t agree with them on some level, you wouldn’t feel insulted by them. I totally disagree with her approach to sex. I believe you can still find quality in quantity, but that’s precisely why it don’t let her p.o.v bother me. She’d probably judge me too, but so what? It’s not like I respect her way of thinking anyway.

Obviously, her point of view touched a sore spot for you.
Markus 21

Clubs,

“How you doin’?”
verbosity 22

This one’s funny….take 2/3 whatever a guy says as the accurate number. Take whatever a woman says & multiply it by at least 3. Let the games begin…
The truth 23

The guys and I always laugh at these lifetime average numbers “11″ for men “6″ for women. Their must be a lot of people having no sex partners at all. In my forties and never having been married, does a woman really want to know I’ve been with hundreds of partners ? Is she better than me as she goes through her 3rd divorce ? Thankfully I’ve never been asked THE question recently but I remember when I was younger and women would ask I would always say “3″ …and laugh…LOL
hunter 24

…..all these people who had numerous partners,,,I am salivating…..
Ha 25

I think your answer stinks! I think the answer about how many partners a person has addresses not only the STD question, but other issues as well, such as what are one is looking for in another person, in a relationship, what is that person’s values? If someone has had 30 sexual encounters in the past 2 years or past 15 years, I want to know about it not only for the possible STDs, but because I think this person may have some mental issues: incapable of committing to another person; too quick to jump into bed with the first person of the opposite sex; an inability to have any values.
sheseizereason 26

Not that I agree with above’s condemnation of a person who’s had 30 partners, but I must say that I agree that the # of partners in one’s history can reveal character traits and other important insights into the person beyond STD risk.
Jennifer 27

I would want to know a (ballpark) number if it were a guy I was serious with. There would be no right or wrong answer; I just want to know the person as well as possible and that includes all aspects of their life. I would also ask them if they ever broke their arm playing sports as a kid, not so I can judge whether or not they are accident prone or something silly like that, but just so I can know them. Sex, experience and relationships are such an important and huge part of people’s lives (mine anyway) it would seem strange not to ask about it at some point. Asking on a first date or something like that is a different story altogether.
Jessica 28

I personally don’t want to know the answer to the “numbers” question, as I feel it would likely just make me uncomfortable – if his numbers were either significantly higher or lower than mine and in truth, I wouldn’t want to feel pressured to have to answer the same question. Some of the people “within my numbers” I feel were a good idea and worth the experience and what we both got out of it. And then there were some that weren’t ultimately. I assume many people feel that way. I think you can discuss whether you’ve been very active or not so much, if it is important to you – better if important to you both – to get an idea of what kind of person someone is. And I also think you can stipulate that you don’t want either of you to be sleeping with someone else if/while the two of you are doing the horizontal hula together. This is slightly off topic, but I had a blind date (set up through a friend who it turns out didn’t know him all that well after all) who started quizzing me on how many guys I’d dated on Match.com (note, was on this site for several years off and on and I don’t even know how many I corresponded or went out with and I am not a super hottie like many women who go out non-stop) before I had even met him. This was on the phone. And then he said he wanted me to not see anyone else. To me, these were giant red flags that he might be controlling and most likely was very insecure. Needing to know something and being insistent about it can mean that you have an insecurity. PLEASE NOTE: I am not saying that needing to know “the numbers” means you are insecure. I guess for me, the WHY it is so important for a person to know has a lot to do with whether or not they should ask. I don’t believe anyone OWES you those figures, however. Like anything else, if it is important to you and you feel you have good reason to want and/or need to know, then it would be prudent and perhaps, even imperative, to find someone who feels similarly and just go with it. As to STD’s – yes, you definitely want to know on this score and I would suggest you both show test results, in writing. People can be untruthful about anything they want to be, and not always with malicious intent. You also might have something and not know it, so if get tested when relationship is looking promising (or even, just fooling around is looking so), then you do yourself a favor as well as your partner by getting current results. Have found after being a person who tended towards full disclosure for most of my life – in trying to make sure I was really being me : ) – that holding back some little things (not lying though) really is beneficial and that beyond common courtesy and respect, nobody owes you anything. I’d add fidelity, but that is just me and even that isn’t owed unless you have a commitment and have both agreed that is part of it.

On A Side Note: I have read a lot of comments on this blog and am impressed with several people in particular, and the whole blog and articles as a whole.

Steve: you sound like a very enlightened, hip guy and I agree with many of your posts.

Also, a HUGE thank you to Evan for putting himself out there (the bloggers, too) and for providing us with a great deal of wisdom, advice, and food for thought and making it accessible to those of us who can’t afford a personal dating coach.
Melissa 29

My boyfriend told me his number and it made me feel sick in the stomach…55! I wish I didn’t know, he was only 24 when I met him. We’re now engaged but I can tell you that even if he hadn’t told me how many people he’d slept with in the past I would have found out by now anyway. Little things always pop up like an old “friend” will add him to Facebook from when he was travelling. I also found out he had an non serious STD in the past which is gone now but really the truth comes out in the end if you’re with someone long enough, even if you try and hide your past. I hate the number but I love him so I try to put it out of my mind which is very hard, especially when he still keep in contact with some of them.
Michael Ejercito 30

Men who ask women how many partners they have been with are men who are not getting any.
Geek Dating 31

I think you should always be truthful right from the start.
douche 32

Ive only had one partner while my gf has had an undisclosed number of partners. we used to have sex all the time, now we have it like once or twice a week. is it possible that shes had enough sex in her lifetime with all the different partners and doesnt care about it anymore, like its old and not exciting anymore, whereas im still new to it and want it all the time? is it bad for someone to have had sex with more people that their partners in this way?

by the way she started having sex when she was 20 or 21 and i started when i was 28. weve been dating for 2 1/2 years now. pathetic as hell i know.
Sahaja 33

Truthful is one thing – foolish is another. There will always be a number that is ok to one party in the relationship that isnt to another – for one person it may be zero and they have a problem with the fact that their partner had previous sexual relationships. There are other people who have a problem with dating a virgin. Personally, I’d rather not know – I did when I was 17 and with my first bf, but now Id rather not know. Its personal – though I do know that people might be offended with being asked to take an STD test more so than the # Q. These days, w.e the # might be, I take healthy over lower # anyday.
cej 34

The number of partners is an important question. Especially for people concerned about their health. Do you really think we know of and can screen for all sexually transmitted diseases. Do we know all the long term complications and interactions that sexually transmitted diseases have on the body? Is it realistic to ask your partner to be screened for all sexually transmitted diseases? I believe the answer to all these questions is no. With that in mind, all we can really rely on is statistical odds and this is where the number of partners comes in. I agree with having a health screening before sex. Health screenings can help, but I believe everyone should try to minimize their number of sexual partners. New diseases are always evolving, and interacting on the body in complex ways. It may not be necessary to tell your number but it is his or her business.
cej 35

I apologize for my poor english.
vino 36

I respectfully submit the # of partners is immaterial. If one has a ‘clean bill of health’ so to speak, then let the past stay there.
Karen 37

It’s a typical “male” answer to assume that you have more experience than women. The reality is that there are some women who actually have more experience and more partners under their belt than the men they date. No it doesn’t make them “sluts” it makes them wise as long as they are safe. Sex is like shopping for a car you have to test drive a few to figure out what you like. I personally don’t have a problem telling my number. My BF on the other hand thinks it’s none of my business. Which I dont’ understand and find it immature.It’s a simple question with a simple answer. It’s a part of intimacy and life. I think if for your piece of mind you want to know the number your partner should be able to grant you that respect.
cej 38

I believe you are a “slut” if you have a large number of partners in a short time span. It does not matter if you are male, female, dog, cat, or other. There is a certain amount of risk every time you have sex.

For example:
Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease. It can be transmitted without symptoms. Some individuals never have any symptoms. There is no cure for herpes. Condoms offer little protection from being infected. The interaction that herpes has on the body is still being studied today. HIV is another sexually transmitted disease. It may not produce symptoms for years. HIV can not be confidently tested for six months after being contracted. In this time others can be infected. If you have lots of partners in a short period of time then you are swapping partners within the six month window. So my point is, testing is not always full proof and condoms are not always effective.

One and four people carry some form of the herpes virus. Every time you have sex with some body you have a one and four chance of sleeping with someone who has herpes. However, consider the rule of large numbers. If you sleep with four people we expect that you have slept with one person who has herpes. If you sleep with eight people we expect you have slept with two people who have herpes. Your odds of contracting herpes do not go up as you sleep with more people! Every time you sleep with someone it is still a one and four chance. But we can expect that after so many times you will come into contact with herpes every so often. This is just like flipping a coin. After flipping a coin ten times we expect half of the flips to be heads. But every time you flip it is a 50/50 chance of heads. This rule applies to all the other sexually transmitted diseases as well. I think a relationship should be based on more than just sex. I am tired of hearing women complain about men calling them sluts. Men who sleep around should be called sluts as well. The negative reinforcement can encourage positive behavior. I suppose you could compare sex to buying a car. However, you can’t always fix the problems or return the problems. Asking someone their number will definitely cause tension. I maintain it is your business, but I think you can get the answer to the question in an indirect manner. Take the time to get to know this person. Ask probing question. You might never figure the exact number but at least you will get an idea.
joe 39

Yeah I always want to talk about my partners sexual history (not the graphic details) but I should know them and that’s a big part of their life. If your not ashamed about it then that’s great , no reason to be if your honest. Keep in mind that I never judge anyone as to some moral standard of how many people they should sleep with. That’s their business as long as they don’t want to sleep with me. The problem I have is when some one thinks they should get to take risks for me without my knowledge.

CEJ is right. STI’s take 6 months to a year for most to show signs or often even be able to show up on a test. The doctors will tell you to come back in 6 months and some times again in 12 AFTER having not had sex with any new partners other wise the test is not relevant to the current window.

I’m sure most people that say just get tested are not clearing the minimum 6 month window and getting retested with no new sex partners in that span so that they could even know what they actually had at any given time. more likely they are not actually even bothering to get tested or they would know that.

I didn’t used to care if a girl had 10 times the number as me in her past, I tried not to judge people as long as they were open, honest , upfront and responsible. Turns out dating is judging wither some one is right for you and so you do have to do some judging after all. Especially when they are going to be sleeping with you.

Unfortunately those girls with high counts also tended in my experience to have a very different attitude about sex in the present though (other than what they claimed was in the past) as well as different ideas on things like having multiple partners (cheating) , lying or concealing STI’s. Nothing like finding photo’s of your church going girl friend swinging on the internet or having your fiance cheat on you with more people than you’ve ever slept with period and just in the time you two were engaged. So yeah go ahead and date that girl with the past she doesn’t like to talk about or whom doesn’t think it’s her boyfriends business. You’ll be sorry. Then again maybe they just lie anyway and your doctor will be the one to tell you someday instead.

Turns out those who think knowing the risks your taking to your health is not your business and who don’t seem to care to find out what risk they may be taking with you have already told you all you need to know, unfortunately they will often just lie.

They can’t think a condom protects from herpes and all other common STI’s or that the tests are instant. They probably get drunk and say screw the condom half the time anyway. I don’t see how they could even be getting tested or they would know these things as the doctor will discuss them. Most likely they are just rationalizing and talking safe sex when they want others to think they are “clean”.

Yes talking about your sexual history is personal and private but sex is personal that’s why it’s sex not a handshake. If you think it’s too private or embarrassing to talk about with someone your considering sleeping with then maybe you don’t know them that well and maybe you don’t tend to do that much considering in the first place.
Michael 40

Herpes is a sexually transmitted disease. It can be transmitted without symptoms.
Herpes can be spread by touch as well.

So can syphilis, for that matter.
omg 41

“This is a classic don’t ask, don’t tell situation, on par with Are you dating anyone else right now? and Have you ever had a drug fueled orgy with six Polynesian dwarves?” If you say yes, you’ve got a lot of explaining to do, and frankly, you shouldn’t have to explain.”

Yeah and they might inadvertently make you feel guilty shame on them! Or decide not to sleep with you, pfffft what makes them think they have the right! Jerks! The nerve of some people!.

That statement goes to show people can rationalize anything they want to. Many people don’t use critical decision making but instead they just start with what ever the heck they want to be doing anyway and then work their thinking backwards from there. That’s why it sounds like it’s complete nonsense. Then they tell everyone else they are being wrong for not giving them a free pass to do what ever they want when ever they feel like it regardless of consideration for consequences for others.

That is the most insane thing I think I have heard in quite a while. Yes your right it is on par with knowing wither your relationship is expected to be monogamous, or exclusive or if your one of many especially if they like to test drive 3 or 4 of their dates in bed and can’t wait to evaluate people one at a time but are splitting their love life among several. If you must multitask here (god forbid you spend a little time getting to know one person at a time) then the least you can do is be upfront about it so the other person has the correct expectations.

Yes if you have routinely engaged in IV drug use , orgies, prostitution, anonymous sex or internet sex, seeing other people while banging them, and any number of other high risk sexual or deviant (deviating from the norm) behaviors you might have a lot of explaining to do and yes you should have to, in fact they shouldn’t even have to ask you should be telling them to begin with.

It’s like the guys who say “Heck yeah I’m greedy my question is why the heck aren’t you?” There is nothing noble about being shamelessly self serving. There is nothing more selfish than thinking you have the right to be selfish without being labeled selfish. Your just deceiving as you fear others might presume to hold you accountable for your actions and there is a reason you fear this it is because it is often actually the case when you encounter rational considerate people.

Of course some people will happily say it’s normal and healthy to lie to their wife about tagging a hooker , and shooting meth on the way home form their girlfriends house, but don’t try to pass off some self centered , self serving reckless behavior compounded by deceit as some type of common sense moral position.
ATL 42

If someone asks, it matters to them. If they keep pressing for an answer, it is more than mere curiosity. People have been raised to think differently about sex. Many still believe that intimacy and sex go hand in hand. I dont want to be with a woman who has had lots of partners or one night stands not because I am jealous, but because it means that something that is very important to me (intimacy/sex) means little to nothing to her. When I make love to a woman, she is always satisfied, and I dont stop till she is. I can give a woman the best sex she has ever had, but only if I love her and if she loves me. I unfortunately know the number of sexual partners that my current girlfriend has had. She is my age (25) and has had 12 partners for every one of mine (Ive had 6 including her). It bothers me often, but I also know that I am the best sex she has ever had. If I had a time machine though, I would go back and we never would have found out how many we each had been with. Our relationship would be much better.
Karl R 43

ATL said:
“If someone asks, it matters to them. If they keep pressing for an answer, it is more than mere curiosity.”
Evan said:
“it’s not that numbers don’t matter. It’s that they can be deceiving.”

ATL,
You want to know the answer to one question (does my partner love me like I love her). But instead of asking that question, you’re asking how many partners she’s had. You’re assuming you can correctly interpret the answer to the important question if you know “the number”.

Why not directly ask the question you really want the answer to?

People’s attitudes toward sex change over time. When I was younger, I was a bit promiscuous. Eventually I decided that lifestyle didn’t work for me, so for the last decade or so I’ve only had sex within exclusive relationships. If a woman wants to know that information, I’m perfectly willing to tell her. Most of it could be relevant to my current relationship.

The exact number of partners I’ve had is irrelevant.
cej 44

Forming an absolute opinion about someone based on one question is foolish. When in a relationship you should consider all the questions. Take the time to get to know the person. However, not all questions should be asked, but no question should go ignored. The question of the number of partners and how much someone loves you could be two different things. Health and love are certainly two different things. It should also be noted that every one has a different definition of love. Part of getting to know someone is decoding their definition of love. For many of us sex and love go hand in hand to some extent. To what extent? Therefore, it is usually necessary to ask questions about sex in order to decode the definition of love. We want to figure out what role sex plays in are partners definition of love. For some individuals sex has little or nothing to do with love. For others sex has everything to do with love. What does it mean when your partner says I love you? Some individuals may say they love you, but be gone tomorrow. ( does my partner love me like I love her ) ATL. This question cannot be answered with one simple question. The answer to this question comes from a careful study of our partner. This study is highly complicated. Asking questions is only part of it. Number of sexual partners may be a part of this study or it may not. Every relationship is different.

People’s attitudes about sex can change over time. However, most individuals live within a certain range of personality, beliefs, or attitudes. We do change over time but we only change within a certain range so to speak. People who really know who I am know my range. They know exactly what I am capable of and what I am not. They can easily call my bluff.

I still believe that the number of partners is a health concern. That does not mean that I think you should always ask how many partners. You should always consider it. You may or may not want to ask the question for a variety of reasons. However, health may be the most important consideration. If you believe that every disease has been written about in some health book then you are severely underestimating the natural world.

Hypothetically
Imagine you go into a tattoo parlor. You have two dirty needles to pick from. One needle has been used to tattoo 100 people. The other has been used to tattoo 1 other person. Which one would you pick? You might also want to know who the needles were used on. What kind of people were they? and so on. All the same love is a beutiful thing.
Joe 45

OK, let’s say you go into a tattoo parlor and have two needles to pick from. One has been used 100 times. The other has been used once. Both have been autoclaved (or whatever tattoo parlors do to sterilize needles). Which one do you pick?
kenley 46

One major issue with that question is that I suspect the majority of people don’t answer it truthfully.
cej 47

I believe tattoo parlors are supposed to always use a new needle that is part of why the question is hypothetical. The hypothetical question is supposed to draw at the probability and statistics of the situation. Sexually transmitted disease is with out a doubt a probability and statistics problem. Not to mention there is no autoclave for human beings. Once you are infected you could be infected for life.

Yes, people don’t always answer questions truthfully. However, not all questions are answered in a direct manner. Some questions are answered through interpolation and extrapolation. It may be possible to get the answer to the question through simply getting to know the person. You may not find the exact answer but you will get an idea without ever have asked the direct question. The answer you get through your own deductions will probably be closer to the truth. Just because we cannot get a clear and concise answer does not mean that we should ignore the question.

This question could also spell the end of many relationships for a variety of reasons. For instance, what happens when you don’t like the answer? I personally, rarely ask this question directly. I only ask when concern has been raised through some other source or some other deduction. In the end, it is whatever you are comfortable with. For me safe sex consists of three things. These things involve the following.

Keeping the number of partners I have and my partner has to a minimum. (Probability and statistics)
Using protection (condoms)
Getting tested.

It may seem that this would be 100% effective, but nothing is 100% effective. Therefore, it becomes what ever you are comfortable with.
K 48

Yeah my husband asked and I told him it was my past and none of his business well he got very angry cause I wouldn’t tell so I fianlly did and it is 7 higher than him but come to find out he slept with me while we were dating and some other girl was I wasn’t even that last number on his list butmy number gets brought up everytime we fight he pretty much calls me a whore and I can’t deal with this, this marriage won’t last because of that number but let’s count how many times he cheated on his ex wife, this is my first an last mariage.
Seductress Within 49

Since my divorce 3 years ago, no man has asked me my “number” and it has never even crossed my mind to ask theirs. Granted I’m in my early 40s and dating men in their late 40s, early 50s and I believe that has something to do with it.

At a certain age, maturity level, experience with relationships, marriage, divorce….most people realize it’s who you are now, not 20 years ago that matters. And any insecure feelings imagining him with his past lovers-like when I was in my 20s have long left this woman.

Frankly it is no one’s business. His behavior and character today will tell me what I need to know about him, not his “number” from his past because like it was mentioned above, a person can change and evolve and I’m not holding the fact that he may have been a “player” in his 20s against him.

Seductress Within´s last blog post…Skills Every Man Should Have
sma 50

My better half wanted to know how many partners I have had sex with. He told me he wants an open and honest relationship. I did not want to tell him but finally after he would not let up and knowing that he has had intimate relationships with more women than he could ever imagine counting I told him both how many I have had traditional sex with how many I had anal sex with and how many I did anything else with because it was so important for him to know. Now he has a physical written list and counts them and reads over the list daily to see if I maybe forgot one. When he is mad at me he uses there names not just first names but first and last names and calls me names like a whore. Remember I did not want to tell him because because I believe you have to live with your choices don’t make your partner live them also. I have never found it to be healthy. Now I am sitting here with a man that I love with all of my heart and he still has been with many more partners than me and I am trying to save the relationship because he feels I am a slut and devious.
Jennifer 51

@SMA #50- tell me you’re joking about reading the list every day and checking to see if you forgot anyone?!

This isn’t normal. You may love this guy, but you can also love a guy that won’t behave this way towards you, and he can love you back.
Try writing *that* down and remind yourself of it every time your guy breaks out your ‘list’. Until you finally feel like leaving him.
Kenley 52

Please do not continue to love a man who hurts you. He certainly does not love you. If he did, he would not treat you the way he is. I think you have to face the facts that the relationship is over. I have a feeling that his behavior and treatment of you is only going to get worse. End the relationship as quickly as you can and don’t look back.

Remember the lesson that you have learned. Some men have a double standard regarding women and sex. In the future, you should adopt a “don’t ask; don’t tell” policy. All he needs to know is that you are free of disease. If he insists on more information than that, walk away.
Joe 53

Why are you still with this loser?
Karl R 54

SMA said: (#50)
“My better half wanted to know how many partners I have had sex with. He told me he wants an open and honest relationship.”

Did he disclose the same information about himself? If he was truly interested in “an open and honest relationship” he would have volunteered to share that information with you as well.

Or it could be that the “open and honest” claim was just a ruse to manipulate you into revealing details that you weren’t inclined to.

“I did not want to tell him but finally after he would not let up”

So he bullied you into revealing private details about yourself that you did not want to share … when he felt no need to share those same private details about himself.

“Now he has a physical written list”
“When he is mad at me he uses [their] names not just first names but first and last names”

He recorded the details so he could remember them and use them against you at a later date.

“When he is mad at me he [...] calls me names like a whore.”

He verbally abuses you.

“knowing that he has had intimate relationships with more women than he could ever imagine counting”

And he’s a hypocrite.

“he feels I am a slut and devious.”

He’s trying to make you believe that you are these things. He’s trying to undermine your self-confidence … specifically so you won’t have the confidence to leave him (or throw him out).

“My better half”

Better half? He’s abusive, controlling, manipulative … and he’s trying to undermine your self-esteem.

“I am trying to save the relationship”

If your best friend came to you for advice on how to save her realationship with her abuse, controlling, manipulative boyfriend, what you you recommend that she do?

I realize this guy may be a terrific person 90% of the time and a verbally abusive jerk only 10% of the time. There’s a description for people like that. They’re called abusive jerks. Terrific people are the ones that never abuse other people.
Adam 55

But is it a red flag when a girl doesn’t ask? Does it mean she has had a number of partners and doesn’t want to tell you that?
cause i have had a relationship with a girl for two years. We had sex on the first date. She lied about here number once to me. And I care about her but it is getting to the point that I can’t trust that she hasn’t had anymore then she says and that when we break up she doesn’t just go after whoever. I think I got myself into a bad situation and bad relationship.
Anita 56

There are lots of valid reasons for a given person to want (or not want) to know the number of partners their partner has had, and limiting the acceptableness for why one would ask for such information is losing out on an important discussion/compatibility point.
Maybe there are some relationships where this info is irrelevant or not required, but if it's not required, no one would ask for it.
I also don't understand the cynicism for assuming women will lowball the info and men will inflate (or the reverse, depending on the stereotype to conform to). This makes the number-question even more important, if people can't even own up to it maturely and with honesty. It obviously has some baggage to make people recoil like this and be cagey. All the more reason to drag the number out into the open!
If anyone is a blood donor, for example, some of the questions involve the experiences of the donor's *partner(s)'* sexual history. It's information one should known, to be shared and honestly reported.
If you can't respect your partner's concerns then do them a favour let them find someone more closely matching their standards for disclosure as well as sexual comportment.
Selena 57

Anita,
In what kind of relationship would the disclosure of number of previous sexual partners be required?
aroundtheblock 58

when u find ur perfect person and want that special exclusive lifelong relationship and you get married and then go to the bedroom to show your Special love, you . . . . give something uv given to several . . .dozens of others?
I guess its a tradeoff, having excitement and fun with all those short-term flings, in exchange for having nothing special to give sexually to the love of your life. Can't see any argument that it hasnt been cheapened by giving it away to all the others.
You know for hundreds of years, the man could assume that the woman he was marrying, with good probability, was a virgin and was giving the special gift of sex only to him. Men were highly upset if that was not true. Could it be that we, in this generation, are the ones that are fucked up by accepting that she has already given it up to every Tom, Dick and Harry, with nothing special left to give?
Karl R 59

aroundtheblock asked: (#58)
"you get married and then go to the bedroom to show your Special love, you …. give something uv given to several … dozens of others?"

First, you have your order of events backwards. If you had sex with dozens (or several) others, you probably don't wait until marriage to have sex with your spouse.

But to answer your question: Yes, when you have sex with your spouse, it's probably similar to some of your previous partners. Hopefully a bit more special than most, but it's likely that a few of them (if there were dozens) were somewhat special as well.

aroundtheblock asked: (#58)
"I guess its a tradeoff, having excitement and fun with all those short-term flings, in exchange for having nothing special to give sexually to the love of your life. Can't see any argument that it hasnt been cheapened by giving it away to all the others."

Love and sex are two different things. Therefore, having sex with someone you love (instead of someone you like, or someone you just find sexually attractive) is special.

And there's an obvious tradeoff that you're overlooking. If you're a virgin when you get married, you're probably rather clumsy and clueless about how to please your partner. If you have some experience, then you've had the opportunity to learn how to make the sex feel amazing.

aroundtheblock said: (#58)
"for hundreds of years, the man could assume that the woman he was marrying, with good probability, was a virgin and was giving the special gift of sex only to him. Men were highly upset if that was not true."

Really? There are countless examples of men marrying widows (and divorcees) throughout history. I doubt these men were so naive to believe their wives were coming into their second marriages as virgins.

aroundtheblock asked: (#58)
"Could it be that we, in this generation, are the ones that are fucked up by accepting that she has already given it up to every Tom, Dick and Harry, with nothing special left to give?"

Do you always see things as being this black and white? Even at my most promiscuous, I was never that indiscriminate about whom I slept with.

My girlfriend was married and had a few other long-term relationships before we met. I had a previous serious long-term relationship as well. My girlfriend is special to me. This isn't cheapened because someone else was previously special to me … or that a few men were previously special to her. Love isn't an exhaustable commodity.
Kari 60

Here’s the deal: if you’re afraid of being judged, you’re not comfortable with yourself. And if you’re with someone who’d judge you harshly for telling the truth about yourself, maybe you should find a new partner.

If you’re dating a woman who feels she needs to know this number, and you’re not comfortable giving it to her, then maybe what you should be saying is, “I don’t feel like we’re headed into a longterm relationship so I don’t want to answer personal questions.” If that’s your reality, let her in on the news. It’s only fair.

It’s hard for me to imagine spending my life with a man where we couldn’t have conversations about our sexual pasts. Whatever your story is–too much, too little, compulsions, insecurity, or apple-pie perfection–it would be just too weird to have one “No Trespassing” area in the relationship.

Do you have any other off-limits topics, or is this the only one?