Comments on: Should I Keep Dating Him Even Though Religion Might Tear Us Apart? (Part II)

By: Ruby

Ruby — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 20:40:51 +0000

Joe #19

This article explains the effects of divorce on women more thoroughly than I could:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/140785-the-effect-divorce-women/

Nicole #15

Yes, I have known couples who stayed married because they were simply afraid to get divorced, not because they took marriage more seriously.

By: Joe

Joe — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 19:31:34 +0000

Wait–how are women more negatively-affected by divorce than men?

By: Valley Forge Lady

Valley Forge Lady — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 19:25:21 +0000

Goldie………..Your comments underscore my whole thesis of examining the culture of your potential partner. There are many factors to that.
When I was young I looked at the earning power of the father in law and expected the same in the son. WRONG.
But what I overlooked was the emotional culture of the marriages both husbands grew up in. Both of their Dads were financially responsible but they check out emotionally. Both of my ex husbands got married and put me on the shelf same as dear old Dad.
Concerning religion. When I was in college I dated a Jewish guy who said he was a non observant Jew and did not care about his Jewish roots. As things progressed he told me that if we married….and any son would have to be Bar Mitzvaed. That told me a different story. We did not proceed. We were not a good fit. Nice people who liked each other but not for the long haul.
However, you can be the same religion, ethnic background, bla bla but if the emotional mind set is not compatible….don’t expect happily ever after.
I also advise all people to have economic power so that you do not get stuck in a marriage for financial reasons.
Be the best the best you can be and find someone who appreciates that!

By: Goldie

Goldie — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 15:57:27 +0000

@ Nicole & Sarah – I think a good place to start would be finding out where the man’s priorities lie. I would assume that no one enters into a marriage planning to divorce in a few years just for the fun of it. Question is, what is more important to the man – is it putting in the effort to make the marriage work, so that everyone involved is more or less happy? Or is it gritting your teeth and keeping up appearances for as long as possible, because otherwise what will people say? The last one can result in a really long marriage, unfortunately in a really miserable one as well. Sometimes it helps to take a look at the person’s parents and their marriage. I recall a time we went to visit my in-laws when my ex-FIL was on a drinking binge. He’d be gone all day, stagger into the apartment late in the evening to harrass my MIL for more money to buy more alcohol. She’d say no and he would yell and call her names in front of their three grown kids, myself, and their two grandkids (3yo and 9 months old at the time) After his sons would finally get him to leave, MIL would say to all of us, God he’s on my last nerve, I wish he’d die already so I could get a break at last! And then she would go on living with him like nothing happened. I remember being pretty shocked about all this, but to my ex apparently it was normal. Apparently the message that my ex got out of all that was that, most marriages suck, that’s just the natural order of things, so you’ve got to accept it and go on living together no matter what. Not work on your marriage to make it better, just stick it out for as long as you can. That was what he told me when I came to him about all the problems in our own marriage. No marriage is perfect, and there’s no need to change anything, he said. So I left. To be honest I did not want to end like my MIL, waiting all her life for a break. IMO that is just wrong and unfair to everyone involved, not just to herself. In her defense, she probably could not leave for financial reasons – which is BTW another reason why some people end up having long marriages – not because they feel committed, but because they feel that they are trapped and cannot leave.

By: sarahrahrah!

sarahrahrah! — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 03:17:57 +0000

@ Nicole – 16

Points well taken, but women are much more negatively affected by divorce than men. Thus, I still think it is worthwhile for women to consider if a man is truly committed to marriage or not. Of course, cheating would be unbearable, but not every man who is very serious about marriage is going to be a cheater.

By: Nicole

Nicole — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 17:27:32 +0000

@sarah…people refusing to get divorced doesn’t mean they take marriage more seriously.
There are many, many DIVERSE cultures and faiths around the world that frown upon divorce and that leave women especially in a lurch if they attempt to get one (they lose their kids, their families disown them or worse, they cannot remarry). The religious and cultural backgrounds of people in the US vary widely depending on where you live.
I’m also not sure why that is anything to envy. People who do not see divorce as an option b/c of what others in their community think find a lot of unsavory ways around it. One of my friends found her co-worker, who is not from either group you mention but from a group most could say ‘doesn’t believe in divorce’ on a dating website. So his version of ‘taking his marriage seriously’ is to cheat. As much as he can. Don’t let appearances fool you. A long marriage is not necessarily a good or healthy one. And the rest of your life is a long way to spend with someone that you don’t love, don’t like, or possibly hate.
At any rate, don’t let your confirmation bias convince you that one group of people “takes marriage more seriously than others.” I could make your statement inserting other groups simply b/c of where I live, the background of the people with whom I mostly associate, and their particular marriage habits. There are plenty of people who won’t get divorced that I’m sure aren’t part of your circle at all.

By: sarahrahrah!

sarahrahrah! — Thu, 03 Jan 2013 02:59:03 +0000

Good luck to you, B. I feel the pain in your message and hope that you make the decision that is best for you.

Really great advice, Evan.

As a liberal Christian female, I’ve dated several Jewish men since I’ve been single and this has been a concern of mine. Some of them have hinted about me possibly converting. This seems like an uncomfortable topic to bring up because it could be construed as assuming a future together, but I think the sooner you both communicate your bottom lines, the better. If you both are parent pleasers, neither of you are probably willing to disappoint your parents. However, you’ll end up hurting yourself if you fall in love and then later realize that neither of you is willing to yield on the religious issue.

The older I get, the less this seems to be a problem because most of the Jewish men who are interested in me aren’t looking to have children together and, as fellow liberals, we usually have more in common with each other than a person who might belong to one of the more conservative branches of our respective faiths. If raising kids together is off the table, it seems like most of the other problems that go along with interfaith marriage are relatively easy to navigate. Hey, no common religious holidays to negotiate with extended family!

I also recently joined JDate and acquired a shill account. If the guy I’m dating/considering dating is on there and he specifically states that he is only looking for Jewish women, I will enter that relationship with eyes wide open or not at all. I would assume he falls into Goldie’s Group One.

A general comment about marrying outside of your faith, specifically to Jews or Catholics: I can’t quantify this generalization with data, but my years of experience lead me to believe that Jews and Catholics might take their marriage commitments more seriously than others. Of all of the long lasting marriages that I can think of, most of them are Jewish or Catholic couples. I mention this because it might seem like a huge inconvenience to convert or get an annulment, but the flip side to that might be that you end up with a man or woman who is fully committed to marriage — as well as a religious community who will support you in that union. This is something to consider if you are involved with a great partner, but he wants you to take significant steps to be acceptable to his faith.

@Goldie – “not that there is anything wrong with that” – ;-D

By: Nicole

Nicole — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 19:54:30 +0000

I have to say I really like the way you put that Goldie. And since she’s not even of his cultural group if we assume (which is safe) that his opinion on this matter won’t change, she is really wasting her time.
B, just b/c you are 22 and have many years to ponder marriage and kids doesn’t mean that you should waste any on someone who will not consider you a real option b/c you are not from his cultural background.
Please save yourself the trouble and either accept that this will always just be a fling or walk away and find a real boyfriend.

By: Goldie

Goldie — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 19:04:12 +0000

Since he’s an atheist, I’d say it’s (once again) not a matter of religion keeping them apart. It is, however, completely possible that he only wants to marry inside his cultural/ethnic group. I’m 3/4 Jewish, from an atheist family, so I have a general idea of how this works. I married an ethnic Russian and some of my relatives reacted like I’d married a woman, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Everyone was shocked and puzzled, and I couldn’t for the life of me see things their way. Basically the way I see it is, there are two kinds of people in this world (c). Those that only want to have relationships/marry within their cultural niche, and those that don’t see it as a factor. Personally I’m of the second group, so I know that someone from the first group would not work for me, even if we are of the same cultural background, because our mindsets are completely different. Say you’re a Jewish girl from group 2, you marry a Jewish guy from group 1, all is good in your world. Then 30 years down the road, one of your kids decides to marry out of his ethnicity or race. All of a sudden, your husband completely loses his shit, and you cannot even understand what the big deal is. Do you want this kind of problems? Nah, I say let people that want to stick to their own kind, stick to their own kind. And I don’t just mean “their own kind” in the ethnic sense of the word.

By: Karmic Equation

Karmic Equation — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 17:51:02 +0000

To OP,

I think this blog post is very timely for you: http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2012/12/female-game-for-girls-in-their-20s.html

At 22 you’re entering your most eligible years. Don’t waste them.

That said, I think 22 is too young to actually marry or be seriously considering or worrying about marriage. And, to be honest, if that is already in your head, you will probably scare away a lot of guys. Take these years to become the best person you can be, so that when you finally meet “the one”, he won’t be able to resist you.

You should spend your early 20′s dating and getting experience (not sexual, but interaction-wise and life-wise) — and using those experiences to formulate in your mind the guy you do want to marry someday, so that when you meet him, you’ll recognize him.

I just finished reading this book (title is cheesy, but the content is good — I agree with one of the commenters that the book should have been “Matched Opposites” instead) … I think you will find it helpful about setting your attitude and participating in activities that will help you find your “matched opposite.”

Good luck!