Should I Keep Trying to Find a Better Boyfriend?
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Dearest Evan,
Wow! Thanks for helping me grow! I have a constant desire to UPGRADE. I relate it to a Jennifer Aniston Syndrome. She had Brad Pitt, so where could she go from there? She found someone funnier, taller, cooler, younger, etc. I find myself doing the same and now I am getting depressed from the lack of potential upgrades. I feel like I have set myself up for disappointment.
My ex-husband was the kindest and most romantic man. He worshiped me and he was a doting father. In the end, he was a weak cheater. How could I upgrade? I found a wealthy exciting man to date, son of a billionaire. Well, he turned out to be a playboy, of course. After a year of celibacy I met my latest man, my tallest, youngest, sexiest man. We became best of friends because we had the same exact taste in music, fashion, food, books. We joked that we were twins despite our age difference. After years of marriage and celibacy, the sex with my tall man was the greatest… But, I realize he is not leaving his drinking and player ways when he is out with his buddies. Now, I see every man under 6’5” as short and unattractive and boring. No one can hold a candle to his height and sex. I feel like there is no upgrade and yet I cannot be with a young player who drinks. Please advise. –Ultra
Ultra,
Actually, I think it was Pitt who decided to upgrade to Angelina, but let’s not quibble. Hollywood is notorious for its insecurity and one-upsmanship, so let’s use it as the model for what NOT do in dating.
Next, kudos to you for identifying the source of your discontent and for being brave enough to write in about it. Too bad you can’t seem to make a rational decision given what you already know.
Choices don’t actually make us happier; in fact, the more choices you have, the more paralyzed you become, and the greater your level of dissatisfaction in your life.
I’m hoping I can help you abandon this foolish idea of “upgrading”.
First of all, pick up a copy of Barry Schwartz’s “The Paradox of Choice”. This book IS the reason I’m married right now.
The two-sentence log line is that choices don’t actually make us happier; in fact, the more choices you have, the more paralyzed you become, and the greater your level of dissatisfaction in your life.
Sound familiar?
Schwartz divides the worlds into satisficers and maximizers. You and I are maximizers. If we have 95% of what we want, we’ll continue to look for 98%. We will not rest until we find it.
The irony is that satisficers are happier. They understand the paradox of choice. They know when there’s the illusion of greener grass and choose to stay on their side of the fence. They appreciate what they have and don’t spend any time comparing it to what they don’t.
Satisficers will say, “He’s cute, he’s smart, he’s financially stable: I’m keeping him.” Maximizers say, “He doesn’t like salsa dancing. He’s not 6’5”. He doesn’t earn $300K/year. I’m dumping him.”
Satisficers get happily married. Maximizers hold out for the perfect mate and remain single – or, if they find love, continue their search for “better.”
Except better isn’t really “better.” And the cost of your search is greater than what you end up gaining.
After I read The Paradox of Choice, it was like all the light bulbs in my head went off at once, illuminating how I could be happier.
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42 Comments »Filed Under Chemistry, Dating, Online Dating
Steve 1
Ultra;
Two things:
1. From what I remember of the little celebrity news I read, I think Brad Pitt wanted children, Jennifer Aniston didn’t, so Brad Pitt divorced her.
2. You might want to Google on “narcisissm epidemic” and then find a good professional to talk to about your dating/relationship issues.
Sayanta 2
Is this letter real? If it is, I feel like the poster completely made it up.
Androgynous 3
Funny how Ultra has gone on about a man’s desirability in terms of youth, sexiness, height, looks etc, she has not mentioned anything much about how they felt about her or how she felt about them – in an emotional sense. Men it seems, are like objects to Ultra – valued for their “functionality” and the status they bring her, not for their compatibility or companionship or the personal happiness she experiences with them. Seriously Ultra, you are not looking for love, you are looking for a glorified handbag you don’t have to share with anyone else. Treat men like one, and you in turn will be treated the same way you treat others.
david 4
Mathematically, men over 6’4 – 6’5 are .1% of the population — not 1%, POINT 1. Meaning, 99.9% men are shorter than 6’5.
So…good luck with that….
Pink Ocean 5
Evan,
This article resonated strongly with me. I, too, was a maximizer in pretty much all areas of my life. This included my poor choices in dating men who were not well-suited for me. I always attributed this unwise behavior of mine to having delayed life moments in certain areas including getting marriage, having children, etc. as a result of making the decision to, instead, climb the educational and professional ladders. Fortunately, by end of last year, I recognized that my maximizer behavior would ultimately lead me to no where good. Shortly after I experienced this clarity, I met my amazing fiancée who is more than I could have ever hoped for in a husband: intelligent, hardworking, kind, interesting, wise with appropriate understanding, and emotionally strong. To top that off, my fiancée is also very, very good at his job, and therefore, will be a wonderful provider for us.
So what is the tradeoff I made? While I no longer consider this to be a “tradeoff” given my personal growth in this department, I would say it is his height. Previously, I only dated men who were 6 feet or taller, conventionally great looking, had graduate degrees and professional careers, etc. In the end, however, I found my 39 year old self single, disillusioned, and regretful after going through a series of relationships with this type. It was not until after I changed my attitude about not being a maximizer and becoming more of a satisficer that I found my fiancée. He is the only man I have ever known and respected who makes me feel loved, safe, accepted despite my shortcomings, understood, and appreciated.
Finally, to all the single women out there in their thirties to forties (I just turned 40) who are searching for their amazing husbands, please continue to believe that you will find him (and I do not mean simply settling for good enough). I have found that this process takes an investment in a great photo shoot, signing up on an online dating site like match.com, and giving a guy who has all the important qualities you are looking for a fair chance in winning your heart. This worked for me, and my fiancée and I are now happily getting married this autumn. Best wishes to you all in finding the right one.
helene 6
Ultra – you say there is “no upgrade”… but yet you are dating a young player who drinks. I think there is definately an upgrade from a young player who drinks!That would be: ”a non-player who DOESN’T drink”! - age range your choice…. That should be possible, no?
Ok, so I understood what you were saying – ”there is no upgrade on 6’5 with great sex…” But why would you NEED an upgrade in those areas?? Why are you looking to upgrade on your current man’s best features?? If you must upgrade, why not upgrade on his worst features – he’s a player and he drinks. It should definately be possible to find a partner who doesn’t do those things.
To say what Evan said but in a different way, I once heard an interview with a rich, beautiful famous holywood star, who was asked what she had learnt in life. She replied, “In this life you can have a lot, but you can’t have everything.” And that from someone in the best position possible to “have everything.” But I think what she was getting at, more than anything, was not that you can’t have everything because no one is that lucky – what she meant was, you can’t have everything because some things are simply incompatible. You can’t be famous and anonymous at once. You can’t be a wife and mother AND be free as a bird. You can’t have a boyfriend who is sexy, confident, charismatic and extrovert… but he never talks to anyone but you! All personality traits have two sides to the coin – men who don’y drink tend not to enjoy partying. Men who are docile and easy to live with and come home early tend to do less well in business. Going from man to man looking for some sort of James Bond who comes home and baths the kids every night is just a waste of your own time - give yourself a break and stop this pointless quest…
Focus on finding a man with the characteristics that matter most to you, make a list (in advance!) of the downside to those characteristics, get used to them in your mind and vow that when you find him, you will accept the downside without a backward glance.
Ruby 7
Could it be that Ultra is picking is picking the eye-candy guys because she’s really afraid of commitment herself? She’s going for the superficial because she isn’t ready for substance, so she sets herself up for disappointment, and then she can tell herself that the perfect man doesn’t really exist anyway?
Steve 8
Sayanta #2 wrote: Is this letter real? If it is, I feel like the poster completely made it up.
I had the same thought.
I thought Evan’s response showed some wisdom and nicely, offered advice
that will produce happiness beyond just dating.
A “maximiser” is just another name for a plain old ordinary perfectionist.
A perfectionist isn’t necessarily an overachiever or an achiever at all.
Just a person who will not be happy unless the results conform to an
unrealistically high standard.
My favorite saying in this regard is
“If you will settle for nothing other than perfection that is what you will
get, nothing”
I thought Evan’s example from his own life with buying plane tickets
illustrated everything very well. If you have realistic standards
and are fine with being an ordinary human being you can save
yourself a lot of self torture over things that are not important in the long run.
Evan Marc Katz 9
To my regular readers who are asking if the letter is real, the answer is yes. I’ve never had to make up a reader question in 5 years of doing this, and I don’t plan on starting any time soon.
david 10
EMK – I don’t think commenters thought YOU made it up, I think they think the OP made it up…
(EMK responds: But WHY? What would be someone’s motivation to make up a “fake” question to an advice columnist?)
ileana 11
@Evan: I personally didn’t suspect that YOU made up the letter. I was wondering if Ultra was the kind of person who is seeking some kind of attention, by stroking her own ego… publicly.
Anyway, assuming this letter is real, I think that her idea of upgrading is the key element. Only because she has a great sex life and the dude is tall she already sees it as the peak.
I would suggest an upgrade: tall, good-looking, articulate, travelled the world, well-mannered, billionaire, great fashion sense, funny, kind, nice, generous, a good listener, romantic, charismatic, same ideas/goals/desires/dreams as her, no drinking, no smoking, no flirting with other women, willing to express his deepest feelings, good listener, quality sex, works-out, enjoys spending time with (her) family and friends, never argues, cooks delicious food, can perform CPR.
Good luck with that.
Steve 12
@EMK #10
People have sent fake letters to advice columnists for years. They get something out seeing how someone will respond to a particular issue.
Hope 13
Wow….I think most of us have had our cynical moments in dating, but this is brutal!
As others have mentioned, I read Ultra’s letter as coming from someone who is, or has become for one reason or another, very cynical about love.
If I may play armchair psychologist for a moment, I would guess that something happened to Ultra, in her past, to make her afraid to date with heart in the present. That mention of the ex-husband being a “weak cheater”, but still using adoring words to describe him…? Maybe Ultra feels like love has failed her because she thought she had found the perfect love in her ex-husband, and he failed her. And then she thought she’d found the ideal match in the young, hot guy who shares her music taste….and he is failing her.
And so, Ultra might think…why try for love? Better to deal with statistics, “upgrades,” treat dating objectively so that when the relationship inevitably fails, at least you “got something” out of it, physically or materially. It’s a way to convince yourself that you have some power in the situation, even if you don’t. That you can shield yourself from hurt, even if you really can’t.
I can relate to this, just as EMK says he can, and I think it’s a very interesting point EMK brings up about “maximizers” vs “satisficers.” I will have to take a look at the book. It actually strikes me as a very American concept, this concept of “maximizers.” Especially if you show a little talent, intelligence or beauty, in this country you are told from a young age “You can do anything you set out to do!”, “You can be the best! You ARE the best!”, “You can work your way up to the top!,” and “You can live the life you’ve always imagined….” not by improving your character and your relationship with the world, but by acquiring things, like the right shoes, the right car, and status boyfriends.
Ultra: forget about upgrades. Have the courage to offer a man the open-heartedness, honor and respect that you yourself deserve and haven’t been getting– AND have the wisdom to be able to offer these to the right type of man. Step back and determine which types of guys are NOT likely to give that to you (such as rich, hot, young men for whom the world is their toy and who never have to grow up), and DON’T PURSUE THEM. Who cares if he’s the tallest man you’ve ever met or if daddy’s a billionaire….he’s NOT BOYFRIEND MATERIAL and you are RIGHT that you deserve better, but you have the wrong idea of BETTER.
Think of what you’d like a man to love about you, not just now but in 30+ years from now… when body parts start to sag and material things don’t mean so much….and look for that kind of “better” in a man.
maria 14
Regardless if someone sent in a fake letter or not, there is ALWAYS a reason why it was posted. This letter hit a spot for me because I was battling the same thing.
Wait on the 50 Year Old George Clooney who only made one call a week or Love who is in front of me-the guy who calls me daily and takes me out on dates 3X a week. Of course I wanted to wait on the HOT GUY because he “seemed” better, but in REALITY, the guy who IS EXACTLY what I NEED AND WANT. He wants relationship, I put him on hold because I wanted to “outweigh” my options…………………. Yeah after waiting for NOTHING, I snapped into it before I lose the one who actually put in work, effort AND MAKES ME HAPPY.
Thank You Evan, I NEEDED THIS!
Barnett 15
This is so true…
we as imperfect humans always tend to think “the grass is greener on the other side”! We are never satisfied always chasing after the next biggest, best, better, taller, awesomest (lol) things in life. Especially when it comes finding ‘the one’.
But unfortunately this is an illusion that many people are slaves to, for everything we need to bring happiness is already within….
If we learn to Appreciate the simple things, then thats when the door to abundant happiness begins to open up.
Barnett 16
As imperfect humans always tend to think “the grass is greener on the other side”! We are never satisfied always chasing after the next biggest, best, better, taller, awesomest (lol) things in life. Especially when it comes finding ‘the one’.
But unfortunately this is an illusion that many people are slaves to, for everything we need to bring happiness is already within….
If we learn to Appreciate the simple things, then thats when the door to abundant happiness begins to open up.
JB 17
Not for nothin Evan but my 23 yr.old furnace went out in October and the guy that came to look at it said the circuit board to fix it will $985.00. So I asked how much is a new one?(not knowing anything about furnace prices never having bought one) and he said $3500.00. So stupid me figures all furnaces of that size must be priced fairly even. I let them put it in and 2 weeks later I started seeing ads for furnaces for half of what I paid. Now I cry every time I see furnace sale
Obviously I wished I would of researched it at least a little and compared.
Like you, I also bought a camera last year. A Sony Cybershot without reading the reviews. I figured a new 16 megapixel Cybershot HAD to better than my OLD 5 megapixel Cybershot. I was wrong and the reviews told me why. I returned it, did some research and went the Nikon Coolpix and I’m very happy.
I know what you’re saying about tradeoffs and not comparing every little thing especially in the dating/relationship world. Sometimes a little comparison shopping and research(for furnace’s/camera’s)can save you a lot of discontent and money in the future for making the wrong decision now.
Gem 18
I agree with Androgynous #3. I thought the letter sounded cold and sterile. She talked about superficial qualities like she was buying car. And she’s not looking for a dependable, practical, comfortable, attractive car, she’s looking for the overpriced, tricked-out, gas gussler with all the bells and whistles that will make her neighbors jealous but doesn’t suit her needs.
Where is the passion, spirit, emotion, heart-connection in this woman?
Evan Marc Katz 19
I hear you, JB. I subscribe to Consumer Reports, so I don’t have to make blind decisions. But dating, by its very nature, IS comparison shopping. The problem is that too many people are looking for products that aren’t even on the market…know what I mean?
BeenThruTheWars 20
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and
expecting different results.” She keeps choosing pretty players who cheat on her.
The phrase “repetition compulsion” comes to mind. What in her past would make her want to keep banging her head against this particular wall?
Angie 21
Ultra, Are you sure you want a relationship, and not just excitement and entertainment in your own personal life? You don’t seem to have any kind of emotional reaction to the fact you seem to be cheated on repeatedly… which isn’t a bad thing. It just seems like disinterest.
@JB #17 – I know Evan replied, but that’s not “The Paradox of Choice” as Barry Schwarz defines it. If you were a maximizer, you never would have ended up purchasing a camera, endlessly reading user reviews, hyper-analyzing each potential flaw and comparing it against another camera’s potential flaw… then missing the opportunity to take pictures. It’s not ignoring all reviews anywhere. Satisficers would choose a price-point, decide what features they want, then pick which camera meets those needs, maybe read some reviews, then make a decision.
JB 22
Yep Evan I know what you mean. You and I both know all too well the amount of women that are online looking for men that don’t exist. That .001% and when they don’t find it they close their Match account and say “there’s no good men online, they’re all__________” Online dating by it’s very nature of being able check little boxes and sort out exactly every detail about the person you want to meet and date only fuels the delusion. They sort because they can!! I’m not an angel by any means either…lol I sort too but only by a couple of things. I’m picking up the book at the library tomorrow. It sounds fascinating.
That’s why I’m counting on YOU Evan to change all their minds and help them see the light like you do with this blog and your coaching….LOL
That’s why you win awards!!
Still-Looking 23
I am a maximizer by nature, fortunately I have recognized the error of my ways so I quickly narrow down my choices for a new camera or TV with a Google search of professional reviews and then it’s just a matter of picking one or two and searching for the best price.
This works great — For electronics and household appliances.
Unfortunately there is no Consumers Report or CNET rating for selecting a partner and when the natural born maximizer who does not have a biological clock ticking away goes on a date it is extremely difficult to not keep looking for that pasture of greener grass.
I have no idea how prevalent the maximizer “gene” is but based on the number of men and women I know who are serial daters, I think it is fairly common.
Jeanne 24
This article is very well-written. When you have too many choices instead of a few, you have the paradox of choice which can then lead to more discontentment rather than appreciating what you have. I don’t know how you can illustrate this phenomenon any better.
An article that I read in the paper the other day discussed a study on a group of people who had six chocolates to choose from versus another group who had thirty chocolates to choose from. The group with only six chocolates reported a much higher satisfaction rate which each chocolate than the other group. The author of the article had actually brought this study to point out the drawbacks of on-line dating. It just seems exhausting to have to weed through so many people to try and find “the one”.
Because of the internet and more dating services offered, people are faced more with the paradox of choice than 20 years ago when it comes to the dating scene. For this reason, I think dating was much easier 20 years ago.
In this particular case, Ultra is looking for something impossible just like so many people. She will never find it. She is also not seeking the qualities in a partner that really matter.
Should you be selective when it comes to choosing a partner?
Absolutely!
Should you avoid settling for someone just because you can’t stand the thought of being alone?
Of course!
There has to be a good balance though. I have seen way too many people choose one extreme where they are settling for a ill-suited partner because they can’t be alone or the opposite extreme where they are searching for something non-existent. Both sets of people are perpetually unhappy…
Evan, you are right. Most people are irrational.
Zann 25
Evan: I applaud your patience and generosity with Ultra.
Ultra: Never mind what Evan says about reading a silly book. Just stay down there at the shallow end of the pool & you’ll be fine. Even if you eventually run out of lofty hotties here on Earth, there’s always the Moon. I hear guys up there grow wayyyy tall (must be the anti-gravity thing). And lucky for you, Newt Gingrich is planning to make moon travel accessible to all billionaires when he becomes President. So not only will moon guys be tall, they’ll also be rich.
Talk about a win-win!
starthrower 26
I have gotten an object lesson in what Evan has been saying, and I get what he means when he says you don’t have to settle but you should compromise. I have found a guy who doesn’t make as much as I do and doesn’t have much but he’s generous with what he does have and treats me like gold. He’s not Mr. GQ but he doesn’t judge me on how I look. He has a GED, but he has wisdom and intelligence and his work does require a skill set that not everybody possesses. And he gets my odd sense of humor so he has to have some smarts.
No, I don’t see fireworks nor do I feel like ripping my clothes off when I see him. But I’m betting that I will in more time and I certainly do intend to have sex with him and will enjoy doing so. I believe this one will be around for a long time because we share a lot in common, including our faith. He’s solid, does what he says, treats me like gold, honors his commitments, and is just a good guy. I’m done looking and unless God has other ideas, I’m in it for the long haul with this one.
Sharon 27
When you’ve been cheated I think some people seek validation in their next partner. ie The 6′ 35 didn’t value place enough value on the relationship to stay monogamous so the instinct is to prove to him that while you might not appreciate me the 6’2″ 30 does so haha! And when that fails you seek a 6’5″.
I haven’t developed as exacting standards as Ultra but I know when I’m dating people there’s a little voice that asks if I bumped into my ex whether I’d with would feel validated. Like that jerk passed up a good thing. And there’s nothing like being with a handsome young man make the moment awesome. The funny looking little nice dude, eh not exactly a pride restoring. I am well aware this is not a healthy thought process but it’s there and sometimes its hard to ignore even though logically I can see that’s its self defeating.
Ruby 28
Since her ex is the only guy Ultra describes in non-superficial terms, I suspect she isn’t over him. If he was the kindest, most romantic, and worshipping husband and father, yet he still had the capacity to cheat, how could she do better? So she’s out there proving to herself that she can’t.
To those who think this letter is made up, I’ve encountered a similar phenomenon with online dating. You meet someone, have a really good time, they book the next date, and the next, but they are still shopping online, even if they say they really like you. Of course, it never goes anywhere. I recently met a great guy who isn’t doing that, and has already hidden his profile – the jury’s still out, but he just may be a keeper!
Lance2012 29
I researched ‘the paradox of choice’, I found a summary of a meta study that claimed that said paradox was not supported by the research data. http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2010-01/uocp-tmc011910.php
Oh the irony, I am now presented with too many choices about the paradox of choice, fortunately I do not have a high opinion of meta studies and will disregard the meta study conclusion.
BC 30
I agree with some of the posters who have alluded to this ridiculous letter as being a possible kinda sorta joke! Good grief! Who spends all of their time and energy looking for some gargantuan basketball player-esque freakishly tall man to hold all other prospects up against?! You do get the weirdos, Evan, that’s for sure. Makes for entertaining reading though, lol!
I’ve dated men of all heights…none technically shorter than me though, and I’m quite tall, but still…I’ve never dated a 6’5 man. I could care less about a man’s height…he has to be smart, fun, kind, loyal and have some sort of charisma and be driven to succeed in his chosen career (exactly the man I have NOW, quite frankly!)…this woman needs to listen to your advice, and grow up to boot!
Daphne 31
I find this hilarious. I am medium height and only date men an inch or two taller than me. I married and divorced a man the same height as me. Guys more than 5 11 really make me nervous (in any romantic context).
Vicki 32
If the woman who wrote the letter really thought about it, she could probably come up with a list of at least 200 ways the last 3 guys she dated did NOT measure up, and find someone who is a better quality match. She shouldn’t put these losers on a pedestal, especially considering their unevolved player-type personalities. She should find herself a nice, but ordinary, vacuum cleaner salesman type of guy from Minnesota. They have a lots of tall, Norwegian-type guys who aren’t completely stuck on themselves. She needs to focus on character, and less on the superficial flashiness of the men she is dating.
Another good book is “Decoding Love,” by Andrew Trees, although some of his observations are not very insightful, he does use real scientific research, which is great food for thought.
Lara 33
I think the short answer is yes. Ultra, you should keep trying to find a better boyfriend.
Angie 34
I think good points that are probably indicative of the truth are made by both @Sharon 27 and @Ruby 28 / 7.
Ultra, I had a (male) friend who was cheated on by his now-ex wife, and had done a lot of reading about cheating w/in marriage. He says that it can make you feel revulsion against yourself, and I can echo the sentiments by the previous posters that maybe there is a sense that if you ran into your ex-husband, perhaps you would like to show him that you can do a million times better than him, in only measures that could be determined by a one-minute crossing of paths on the street?
Have you had therapy, or done work on yourself to emotionally process and deal with your ex-husband’s affair?
Angie 35
** and, in addition to my post #34, would lead to her comparing herself to Jennifer Aniston, a former wife who had the “best” man, then was cheated on by him and has been romantically floundering for 6 years or so.
Ultra, like many women, I think you probably should work on yourself and get over the affair and stop comparing new boyfriends to your ex-husband, and trying to outdo him.
Saint Stephen 36
So humans have turned into software that women like our OP just wants to keep on upgrading and upgrading. And when did tall become better? I never knew men’s quality were defined by their height. That means Mark Zuckerberg must be of a very low quality in the hierarchy of potential boyfriends. Maybe his fiancee didn’t get the memo that taller guys are better quality. Oh wait… she must have been into him because of his money.
Snon 37
This letter reads like it was made up by one of those “manosphere” bloggers. In a few days time, one of them will link to this article and use it as “proof” that women are unreasonably hypergamous, then wait for misogynistic comments to roll in.
Anyway EMK, I thought your answer was extraordinarily compassionate, considering how outrageously high the OP’s standards are, and there was a lot of good advice for anyone whose standards are pricing themselves out of the dating market.
Personally, if I can find a healthy, financially secure man with whom I shared a mutual attraction, respect, family values and fun, I’d feel like I’d won the lottery.
JB 38
@Angie #21 I see your point about the camera and like others have said I may not be a “maximizer” when it comes to household things. But yes, I had to have a furnace and even though some may not agree I have to have a camera for my profession.
No one HAS to have a relationship(SO/spouse). I’m definitely a maximizer in my personal life. I’m not proud of it. It is what it is. I’d love to have a wonderful woman in my life but when I don’t life still goes on and I keep looking. Being that have no desire to be married there’s no pressure or time limit on finding someone.
Christie Hartman 39
“I chose to focus on one thing: how I felt when I was around her.”
That is Evan’s quote, and it is the best and most important one in this particular article. That hits it on the head. The minute you start looking for partners in terms of their height, income, hotness, you decrease your chances of ever finding that great connection, that great love, that great partner. This is why online dating is such a frustration for so many – it encourage people to shop for attributes. The thing is, when you do find that great connection, as long as the attraction is there, you won’t CARE about those other things.
Saint Stephen (36): LOL
Joyful Girl 40
Thank you for the book review! I am around a lot of people who seem to not recognize they actually have choices, because they feel victimized by their circumstances (state of health, upbringing, current marriage, etc.). The other side of that pendulum swing, however, is exactly what you referenced: the paralyzation and self-destruction that occurs when there are too many choices. Anything that helps people (me, included) find that balance between no choices and too many choices would be a great reference to have around!
JB 41
I just finished reading the book and a couple of things he said resonated with me:
“The existence of multiple alternatives makes it easy to imagine alternatives that don’t exist…alternatives that combine ALL the attractive features of the ones that do exist”
Into one delusional expectation of looking for someone that has it “ALL” or no one else will do. Leading a lot of people in online dating to be miserable.
In another part of the book he says something I disagree with he says
“Social relations are different we don’t dismiss lovers the way we dismiss restaurants, cereals, or vacation spots. Treating people this way is unseemly at best and reprehensible at worst.”
The way people treat each other in the online dating arena is everyone is “disposable” because (and especially for attractive women) they have so many options and choices that the outcome with any one person is irrelevant. Before the internet it wasn’t this way because no one had that many options at their fingertips. I do it myself occasionally without even thinking twice ie: “she’s cute but she has twin 7 yr.olds” and travels for work…next “She’s has a pretty face but she’s too tall and lives too far”……next She’s exactly what I’m looking for but low and behold she’s NOT attracted to ME”…..next……… It never ends
cheri 42
Hey I’d be happy just to have the cast offs!