Comments on: Should I Stop Dating Until I Move to a New City?

By: Tripp

Tripp — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 18:26:19 +0000

I think no matter where you are in life, it’s important to keep your options open. You just never know what another human on this planet may bring you. Just because you’re on a strong hunt for love and are moving to another city, doesn’t mean you might not be able to have a nice connection with another person and maybe even make a friend out of it. Plus, I believe that dating is a skill and sometimes ya need a little practice. Why not go on the date and see where it can take you. Of course, let the person know your situation and don’t lie. But, then again, maybe fate has a way of taking over and that person actually lives in the city you’re moving to. Crazier things have happened

By: Heather

Heather — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 14:30:07 +0000

@ Julia:

Oh my, yes I have seen that too, and again, I do believe it’s code for: “I am married and want a fling.” Now sure, maybe not in ALL cases, some guys may just genuinely want to have some fun in a non-serious relationship, and if that’s the case, fair enough. But I just got some really bad vibes from the guys that would contact me, and then suddenly they’d stop talking to me or “something would come up” and then boom. I believe that it was probably the wifey catching on or something like that.

Like Evan says, believe the negatives, and my negative vibes were screaming, Do Not Trust This Guy!!!!!

My peace of mind and karma are worth far more than a nice dinner out. I’d rather eat cereal at home with a good conscience, than lobster with a man I strongly suspect is an adulterer. I won’t be part of breaking up a marriage.

By: Julia

Julia — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 21:26:30 +0000

@Heather sometimes I get messages from men who will be “in the area for business for a month or two” and want to get together. Why would I want to subject myself to that? I wonder how often that works…

By: Heather

Heather — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 14:56:29 +0000

Almita, haha! True, I have seen instances of that, not often, but I have seen that, or I’ve seen instances of the guy dating the woman and then deciding that “he couldn’t handle a long distance relationship after all”, conveniently after the couple had become intimate.

That’s why I had stopped going out with guys who were “just moving to” my area or whatnot. It turns out that it can actually be code for “I’m married and want to come someplace where I can have an affair and wifey won’t know.” Happened to me once or twice, something told me to check these guys out and sure enough, bingo, married. I of course called them out and told them that if they continued to contact me, I’d let their wifey know, and help her in the ensuing divorce cases, LOL

The joys of dating, eh?

By: Almita

Almita — Wed, 18 Jul 2012 04:28:44 +0000

I think men are attracted to women who are “about to move” because they can have a fling and then the woman will disappear. It’s perfect!

By: Dagaz

Dagaz — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 22:49:36 +0000

Thank you, guys
David T, you’ve just won my heart, literally. I wish i would have you among my friends. Thank you!

By: David T

David T — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 21:34:40 +0000

@dagaz 5 & 8
David T #12 was directed towards you, if you did not pick up on that. (My life needs a CTRL-Z).

By: Rachael

Rachael — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 19:24:13 +0000

argh I am so bad for going off topic…

Onto the topic at hand! I get hit on and “picked up” far more often when I am ina relationship. It’s gotta be because I am relaxed and not looking for anything. I’m sure my vibe shifts. Same idea as potential mates showing up when someone is about to move or isn’t looking for love for whatever reason.

I’ll bet someone shows up in this girls life just as she’s about to move or just when she’s settling into the new place. It does seem to happen that way.

By: David T

David T — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 19:23:41 +0000

Keep in mind, being fired, moving, new responsibilities at work (new job), change in social activities are all major life stressors already. No need to take action that might force a breakup before you have dealt with the others, especially since you will be at your best to have the conversation and handle a worst case outcome after the others are handled.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holmes_and_Rahe_stress_scale
(Stupid scale doesn’t list breakups except when it involves a spouse. Maybe it is like death of a close friend. )

One crisis at a time if you can swing it, though sometimes when forced to handle multiple, I have risen to the occasion. In this case, I don’t think you have to force the decision until YOU are ready, unless you just can’t shake those heebie-jeebies by being busy.

Crisis 1) You have to take care of yourself. Take the job. It is a good one. Move. I don’t think you had any doubt about this, but when you said how scared you are, it made me wonder.

Crisis 2) You are in a new city, probably with few friends besides Mr. Non-com. Be as social as you can. Use meetups. Settle into a new worship community if that is part of your life. Develop nascent friendships you might have from mutual acquaintances between you and your bf, especially the ones you like that he is not particularly close to (like his friend’s gf/wife that you met at a party). You will be crazy busy setting up your new place, putting your Best Foot Forward in your new job, trying to build new friendships, so weekend dates with your bf and an occasional work week lunch might be plenty for the first month or so as you come to

. . . Crisis 3) This one is highly speculative and should be revisited as time passes in your new life chapter. After those first months are behind and you are settled, now you know if you want to see him more than on weekends. Since you are in a new town, and he is by far still your closest human connection, you probably do, but who knows. When you get to that point that you know, try seeing him more for a little while. If he doesn’t play, have the difficult conversation. Tell him what you need. If it is what you suspect (you wouldn’t be scared to the core if it wasn’t) he will need to make a choice, otherwise you will be unhappy. Maybe, faced with the reality of your needs, he will step up.

Maybe he won’t and you will have to part ways. That will make you mega unhappier for a short time, but it beats being vaguely dissatisfied for year after year until you become angry and bitter and the relationship self-destructs anyway.

By: Rachael

Rachael — Tue, 17 Jul 2012 18:46:05 +0000

@dagaz

You can’t blame yourself for his lack of commitment simply because your point of view and desires have changed over the years. A change of heart after 2 years is hardly flakey. 2 years is a serious amount of time and not only do people change but long term relationships are all about commitment. Whether he likes it or not he is in an LTR with you!

If a man won’t commit to you after 2 whole years he most likely never will. Tell him what you want without blame or expectation. If he offers it to you take it. If he doesn’t take off!

I can’t believe a man would expect you to give him so much time when he hasn’t given you a commitment…Actually I can believe it because you offer it up willingly! Of course he’s accepting it!