Comments on: Should I Write to Someone Online Even If I Don’t Meet His Search Preferences? http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/ Thu, 09 Feb 2012 06:12:59 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v= By: JB http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-15043 JB Tue, 30 Sep 2008 15:38:43 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-15043 Most men end up narrowing it down to any woman with a pulse that's not obese who will return their email ....lol Sad but true ... Most men end up narrowing it down to any woman with a pulse that’s not obese who will return their email ….lol Sad but true …

]]> By: Maddie Cartoonist http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-15008 Maddie Cartoonist Mon, 29 Sep 2008 18:59:32 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-15008 Re: why I'd never (again) date a "never-married" man: I did so once, briefly. He was fun and interesting. But he was also very immature, irresponsible, he had ridiculous and impractical approaches to money & his job. On the other hand, I've been married, have kids at home. There was no way in heck he understood my life/concerns. He didn't even understand why my kids had to come first for me. So, beyond the surface fun, we had no basis for a relationship. Re: why I’d never (again) date a “never-married” man:

I did so once, briefly. He was fun and interesting. But he was also very immature, irresponsible, he had ridiculous and impractical approaches to money & his job. On the other hand, I’ve been married, have kids at home. There was no way in heck he understood my life/concerns. He didn’t even understand why my kids had to come first for me. So, beyond the surface fun, we had no basis for a relationship.

]]> By: pericles http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-8464 pericles Tue, 27 May 2008 21:42:31 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-8464 You don't want someone who has declared the no-marriage clause. It's an immediate sign that the guy is immature emotionally and cannot handle a woman's "past." He assumes she's got "issues" and "baggage"--and he may be right. I have talked to hundreds of guys online over the years, and they are invariably afraid of taking on a previously-married woman IF they are afraid divorce = harpy. These kinds of men see a divorce as an emotional liability (like if you, as a guy, told me in your first email to me, I drink a little too much). Now, having said that, I have gotten countless emails from guys who do not meet my criteria; some I talk to, some I don't. But I know myself well enough to know what will work for me and what won't, and my criteria are pretty broad. I go for the "whale" approach--bring as many in as possible and then sieve them out over time. Guys have the balls to contact women even when they know they don't match their criteria--women can as well. But what I've found is that guys are ruthless about their criteria, whereas women are much more forgiving. You don’t want someone who has declared the no-marriage clause. It’s an immediate sign that the guy is immature emotionally and cannot handle a woman’s “past.” He assumes she’s got “issues” and “baggage”–and he may be right. I have talked to hundreds of guys online over the years, and they are invariably afraid of taking on a previously-married woman IF they are afraid divorce = harpy. These kinds of men see a divorce as an emotional liability (like if you, as a guy, told me in your first email to me, I drink a little too much). Now, having said that, I have gotten countless emails from guys who do not meet my criteria; some I talk to, some I don’t. But I know myself well enough to know what will work for me and what won’t, and my criteria are pretty broad. I go for the “whale” approach–bring as many in as possible and then sieve them out over time. Guys have the balls to contact women even when they know they don’t match their criteria–women can as well. But what I’ve found is that guys are ruthless about their criteria, whereas women are much more forgiving.

]]> By: Jessica http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3583 Jessica Fri, 11 Jan 2008 03:07:07 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3583 My personal stance on dating someone that is bi is that it stands to reason that someone in the whole deal is not getting full disclosure. This is an assumption on my part and not a slam against the poster who said is bisexual - If a man or woman is sleeping with both men and women, then usually one of those genders (or both) isn't aware that he or she is playing on both sides of the fence and that is a big enough issue that the only way someone should be doing that is if ALL parties involved know about it and are ok. Being bi, or gay or heterosexual is a pretty big part of who you are and we all want to be with people who are compatible with who we are. As a hetero female, I can be friends with a bisexual or gay person (and am), but it doesn't gel with who I am and what I want out of life and from a partner. I didn't read the whole post, so I don't know how the other person lied. But lying is lying and lying by omission is still a lie when it isn't something like not telling a guy who has cats that you're allergic to them or just don't like them. I don't agree with lying about a person's age either, or whether or not you are employed. But I also may give out tmi sometimes and too soon and am working on that. To Steve: Hey there! I thought you answered your own question pretty well. And gave the majority (if not all) of the reasons women tend to shy away from a man over 40 that has remained unmarried. But since I am reaching 37 soon, and have also never gotten hitched (and am pretty sure there is nothing really wrong with me) and my brother hits 40 soon, and he too isn't married - I have to assess whether my assessments and assumptions hold water in looking at someone else in a similar boat/vein. I think as always you look for clues to who a person is, and to where and why they are where they are in their life, do look for REAL red flags vs. perceived ones, and then try to make up your mind mostly based on an individual basis but still giving credence to your personal, known deal breakers. Also know what they are and why they are so for you and follow your heart. I am thrilled to find out there are still people with integrity who don't lie - in their jobs and in life. I was told to drop one of my degrees off my resume and take stuff out so I'd look less experienced. To me that is also lying of a sort and I won't do it. I am honest with employers and I think it makes me less desirable in some cases. My personal stance on dating someone that is bi is that it stands to reason that someone in the whole deal is not getting full disclosure. This is an assumption on my part and not a slam against the poster who said is bisexual – If a man or woman is sleeping with both men and women, then usually one of those genders (or both) isn’t aware that he or she is playing on both sides of the fence and that is a big enough issue that the only way someone should be doing that is if ALL parties involved know about it and are ok. Being bi, or gay or heterosexual is a pretty big part of who you are and we all want to be with people who are compatible with who we are. As a hetero female, I can be friends with a bisexual or gay person (and am), but it doesn’t gel with who I am and what I want out of life and from a partner. I didn’t read the whole post, so I don’t know how the other person lied. But lying is lying and lying by omission is still a lie when it isn’t something like not telling a guy who has cats that you’re allergic to them or just don’t like them. I don’t agree with lying about a person’s age either, or whether or not you are employed. But I also may give out tmi sometimes and too soon and am working on that.

To Steve: Hey there!

I thought you answered your own question pretty well. And gave the majority (if not all) of the reasons women tend to shy away from a man over 40 that has remained unmarried. But since I am reaching 37 soon, and have also never gotten hitched (and am pretty sure there is nothing really wrong with me) and my brother hits 40 soon, and he too isn’t married – I have to assess whether my assessments and assumptions hold water in looking at someone else in a similar boat/vein. I think as always you look for clues to who a person is, and to where and why they are where they are in their life, do look for REAL red flags vs. perceived ones, and then try to make up your mind mostly based on an individual basis but still giving credence to your personal, known deal breakers. Also know what they are and why they are so for you and follow your heart. I am thrilled to find out there are still people with integrity who don’t lie – in their jobs and in life. I was told to drop one of my degrees off my resume and take stuff out so I’d look less experienced. To me that is also lying of a sort and I won’t do it. I am honest with employers and I think it makes me less desirable in some cases.

]]> By: Jessica http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3581 Jessica Fri, 11 Jan 2008 02:54:25 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3581 I think you can always take your chances and write to them anyway, but assume that your response rate may not be as high as you'd like. Anyone can make a blanket statement about men who don't want to date women who have been divorced, but I don't believe the reason is all that specific. Not articulating this well, but the gist is that each man who doesn't want to date a woman who is divorced (or thinks he doesn't enough to make it a preference in print on a dating site and one that screens potential mates at that) has his own, personal reason for thinking and feeling the way he does. You may or may not find out what that reason is if you choose to contact him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But I also believe it might make a difference what the bias is on the other person's part. If it is a big thing - one that might be for moral or religious, or health reasons, then that person has a pretty strong leg to stand on based on their beliefs. I have read profiles where a man won't date blondes or women with blue eyes. In my book, that lets me out - unless they contact me (as I have blonde hair and blue eyes). I will also cop to getting very peeved when I hear from a man who is 20 years older than my stated top age, is a smoker and lives in Timbuktu. I personally don't feel comfortable with anyone over 10 years older (unless is a friend - I have friends from age 23 to 102 and I am 36) in a romantic situation (I also still get mistaken for being in college : ( ), get really ill from smoke, and have not had good luck with long distance love. Certainly not with both people starting on separate continents. It can work if you were together and then moved. To me I would have thought these were relatively non-negotiable unless the person was within a year or two of the range, or lived 60-75 miles from me. Still within reasonable, though not preferable, driving distances. I also feel that you should try to reply to any communication you receive. I found I was spending a ton of time sending polite no-thank-you's to men I wouldn't have heard from if they had paid attention to what I was looking for. I also agree that we tend to rule too many people out by having a bunch of stipulations and should also keep an open mind. I guess my advice is to go for it, but with a discerning eye and mind towards what else does and doesn't match up. It could also be perceived that you just didn't read carefully enough or that you didn't care about something important to him and contacted him anyway. I hope you get way more positive results than negative whatever you decide. Online dating is a good thing, but it isn't easy and it is something of a crapshoot since we all come with likes and dislikes and wants and needs that can be disparate with what someone prefers, even if we wish it weren't so. How you feel is how you feel and vice versa. Sorry for the long winded post! Good luck to all. I think you can always take your chances and write to them anyway, but assume that your response rate may not be as high as you’d like. Anyone can make a blanket statement about men who don’t want to date women who have been divorced, but I don’t believe the reason is all that specific. Not articulating this well, but the gist is that each man who doesn’t want to date a woman who is divorced (or thinks he doesn’t enough to make it a preference in print on a dating site and one that screens potential mates at that) has his own, personal reason for thinking and feeling the way he does. You may or may not find out what that reason is if you choose to contact him. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. But I also believe it might make a difference what the bias is on the other person’s part. If it is a big thing – one that might be for moral or religious, or health reasons, then that person has a pretty strong leg to stand on based on their beliefs. I have read profiles where a man won’t date blondes or women with blue eyes. In my book, that lets me out – unless they contact me (as I have blonde hair and blue eyes). I will also cop to getting very peeved when I hear from a man who is 20 years older than my stated top age, is a smoker and lives in Timbuktu. I personally don’t feel comfortable with anyone over 10 years older (unless is a friend – I have friends from age 23 to 102 and I am 36) in a romantic situation (I also still get mistaken for being in college : ( ), get really ill from smoke, and have not had good luck with long distance love. Certainly not with both people starting on separate continents. It can work if you were together and then moved. To me I would have thought these were relatively non-negotiable unless the person was within a year or two of the range, or lived 60-75 miles from me. Still within reasonable, though not preferable, driving distances. I also feel that you should try to reply to any communication you receive. I found I was spending a ton of time sending polite no-thank-you’s to men I wouldn’t have heard from if they had paid attention to what I was looking for. I also agree that we tend to rule too many people out by having a bunch of stipulations and should also keep an open mind. I guess my advice is to go for it, but with a discerning eye and mind towards what else does and doesn’t match up. It could also be perceived that you just didn’t read carefully enough or that you didn’t care about something important to him and contacted him anyway. I hope you get way more positive results than negative whatever you decide. Online dating is a good thing, but it isn’t easy and it is something of a crapshoot since we all come with likes and dislikes and wants and needs that can be disparate with what someone prefers, even if we wish it weren’t so. How you feel is how you feel and vice versa. Sorry for the long winded post! Good luck to all.

]]> By: jerseygirl http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3143 jerseygirl Sat, 29 Dec 2007 16:07:44 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3143 "I think some people get spooked by unmarried people over 40 because it's not the norm" ...I actually think it's because people have their predisposed opinions about 40+ single never-marrieds. Like 'why aren't they married" - as if something is wrong with them. Of course you can't generalize but I found that dating men over 40 who haven't been married has been a whole different experience than dating those who have been - in terms of how to treat a woman, knowing what they want, committment-oriented, etc. Still, I try to keep an open mind and give someone a chance, I'm just smarter about what to look for up front, regardless of age/height/hair color, legnth of nose, shoe size, blah blah. “I think some people get spooked by unmarried people over 40 because it’s not the norm”

…I actually think it’s because people have their predisposed opinions about 40+ single never-marrieds. Like ‘why aren’t they married” – as if something is wrong with them.

Of course you can’t generalize but I found that dating men over 40 who haven’t been married has been a whole different experience than dating those who have been – in terms of how to treat a woman, knowing what they want, committment-oriented, etc. Still, I try to keep an open mind and give someone a chance, I’m just smarter about what to look for up front, regardless of age/height/hair color, legnth of nose, shoe size, blah blah.

]]> By: Selena http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3126 Selena Sat, 29 Dec 2007 01:37:27 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3126 JB, I think you're right about the 2 yr. age thing being just an excuse to break things off. Though why she would do that after having a great time hanging out/making out with you for 9 hrs. is indeed a mystery. Maybe she got back together with the woman she had been seeing, or met a new one? Who knows? Dating a bi-sexual is not something I'm comfortable with, so yeah I'd like that info up front, personally. I haven't tried internet dating yet, but it would be one of those weed out things for me if it were in a profile. As far as age & marital status goes, I'm 46 and never married and can see how fibbing on those things might be tempting. Particularly, I'm tired of answering the question "How come you've never been married?" My answer lately has been: "Because I've been lucky!" Since I have a grown son, most people I meet just assume I'm divorced anyway. I think some people get spooked by unmarried people over 40 because it's not the norm, despite any number of reasonable explanations. Come to think of it, I've never dated a man over 40 who's never been married, so if I met one I'd probably ask him the same question! Though coming from me, it would be something we could smile/snicker about together. JB,
I think you’re right about the 2 yr. age thing being just an excuse to break things off. Though why she would do that after having a great time hanging out/making out with you for 9 hrs. is indeed a mystery. Maybe she got back together with the woman she had been seeing, or met a new one? Who knows?

Dating a bi-sexual is not something I’m comfortable with, so yeah I’d like that info up front, personally. I haven’t tried internet dating yet, but it would be one of those weed out things for me if it were in a profile.

As far as age & marital status goes, I’m 46 and never married and can see how fibbing on those things might be tempting. Particularly, I’m tired of answering the question “How come you’ve never been married?” My answer lately has been: “Because I’ve been lucky!” Since I have a grown son, most people I meet just assume I’m divorced anyway.

I think some people get spooked by unmarried people over 40 because it’s not the norm, despite any number of reasonable explanations. Come to think of it, I’ve never dated a man over 40 who’s never been married, so if I met one I’d probably ask him the same question! Though coming from me, it would be something we could smile/snicker about together.

]]> By: JB http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3088 JB Fri, 28 Dec 2007 12:46:00 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3088 Shari's right, online dating is a haven for single mom's. Millions of single moms all over the world who "don't have time to go out to meet people" because they have kids. You know what I always say to that ? If you don't have "time to go out and meet people" you WON'T have time to "date" people once you meet them. Believe me I've dated hundreds of them and rarely did it last more than a month. Online dating has changed the dating scene so much that I know women who don't even go out anymore because it's easier just sitting at home in their pajamas and ordering a new man every week like it's a pizza ! Shari’s right, online dating is a haven for single mom’s. Millions of single moms all over the world who “don’t have time to go out to meet people” because they have kids. You know what I always say to that ?
If you don’t have “time to go out and meet people” you WON’T have time to “date” people once you meet them. Believe me I’ve dated hundreds of them and rarely did it last more than a month.

Online dating has changed the dating scene so much that I know women who don’t even go out anymore because it’s easier just sitting at home in their pajamas and ordering a new man every week like it’s a pizza !

]]> By: Shari http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3067 Shari Fri, 28 Dec 2007 01:58:44 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3067 Tasty - for some getting out there in the single world works just fine. But for me, I'm a single mom who works full time, have 3 kids at home, one at college, take classes myself and there isn't time for me to go hang out a trendy restaurant. Sometimes it's midnight before I get time to myself. Online works for those who don't have the options you do and it's not only possible, but probable, that some of us can find the one for us in the online world. Tasty – for some getting out there in the single world works just fine. But for me, I’m a single mom who works full time, have 3 kids at home, one at college, take classes myself and there isn’t time for me to go hang out a trendy restaurant. Sometimes it’s midnight before I get time to myself. Online works for those who don’t have the options you do and it’s not only possible, but probable, that some of us can find the one for us in the online world.

]]> By: Tasty http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/comment-page-1/#comment-3065 Tasty Fri, 28 Dec 2007 01:43:33 +0000 http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/should-i-write-to-someone-online-even-if-i-don%e2%80%99t-meet-his-search-preferences/#comment-3065 This is a perfect example of the pitfalls of online dating. We have all become so accustomed to online dating as the end all and be all of ways to meet other singles in this modern world of ours that we seem to have forgotten that the most sought after quality in another is that warm and fuzzy feeling we get when we realize how special they are. This impossible to label quality is impossible to find online and will never be found by those who resort to a firm list of must haves before they will ever meet a person. Which, brings us to a fabulous, healthy way to approve like as a single person: get out, have fun, surround yourself with other singles, and you will meet people who tickle your fancy! This is a perfect example of the pitfalls of online dating. We have all become so accustomed to online dating as the end all and be all of ways to meet other singles in this modern world of ours that we seem to have forgotten that the most sought after quality in another is that warm and fuzzy feeling we get when we realize how special they are. This impossible to label quality is impossible to find online and will never be found by those who resort to a firm list of must haves before they will ever meet a person. Which, brings us to a fabulous, healthy way to approve like as a single person: get out, have fun, surround yourself with other singles, and you will meet people who tickle your fancy!

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