Apr05
Should Women Write to Men?
Dear Evan,
I just read your post regarding internet dating. Very interesting points you make and I agree with most of them.
Here is my question: Are men ok with women sending introductory emails to them? I am very confused about this point. In some ways, I see a email hello similar to a come-hither look at a bar, etc. but in other ways it seems very aggressive and therefore a turnoff to most men. I would love your thoughts on this.
Thanks.
Jane
Dear Jane,
Your question brings up two of the most common mistakes that women make in online dating:
1) Waiting for Men to Write to You First
2) Telling Him What You Like About His Profile
First things first:
Men LOVE it when women write to them. It makes their lives so much easier. If you have an attractive photo, interesting essay, and you’re in his target demographic, why WOULDN’T he be excited to hear from you? You may be on his Favorites list but he hasn’t had the opportunity to contact you yet. So yes, Jane, don’t hesitate to contact that guy you’ve been eyeing. There is nothing inherent about initiating an email conversation that screams out “desperate”. However…
Where most women screw up that first email contact is by taking one of two approaches: 1) telling him how great he is, or 2) explaining why you’re great and why he should write back to you.
“But…doesn’t that just about cover it? What else could I possibly say?”
Presuming you’ve had a man write to you before, is it really all that interesting when he tells you that he thinks you’re cute? Is there something particularly energizing in the phrase, “I think we have a lot in common”? Is it really all that intriguing when he explains why he’s a good partner for you, even though you haven’t met? Even if a guy reads your entire profile and respond to one specific line, do you really get excited by a man who says, “I notice you like skiing. I enjoy Breckenridge.”
Nah.
Then why would you write an email like that to a man?
I’m really grateful, Jane, that you made that connection between a first email and a come-hither look at a bar. That is EXACTLY the metaphor I use for private clients in describing the “tone” you want to capture in your initial contact. You’d never hit on a guy at a bar by walking up to him and telling him that he’s cute, he seems nice, and that you’d like to buy him a drink. So why would you write an email that does the same thing?!
If you want to meet a man at a bar, you cross the room, plant yourself eight feet to his diagonal, wait for eye contact and smile. Once you smile, it’s his job to come over. While you might have “made the first move”, you’re still in control, since he has to approach you.
Same thing online.
Emails that tell a man that he’s interesting are dull.
Emails that tell a man that you hope he writes back are weak.
Find the tone that shows that he’d be lucky to have you – and maybe he’ll feel lucky to have you.
It’s a bit counterintuitive, but if your first instinct is to compliment him and explain your value, you’re not demonstrating that you have any value.
Once you put a man on a pedestal, he’s automatically looking down at you.
Once you tell him how great he is, he doesn’t know why he should write back.
So yes, Jane, you should totally write to the guy. But the tone of that email should be flirty, funny, and challenging – the same as the email from a man that gets your attention.
POSTSCRIPT
As to HOW to do something like that, here’s an article I wrote as an exclusive to Yahoo! Personals last year, which is posted on my old blog. Hope it clarifies things a bit.
Related Posts:
- Why Men Don’t Write to Curvy Women on the Internet
- What Am I Supposed To Write to A Girl Who Says Nothing In Her Profile?
- Knock ‘Em Dead – Write Introductory Emails That Get Responses
- How Do You Write An Email To Someone With Nothing Interesting in Her Profile?
- Why Does He Put Me On His Favorites List And Never Write To Me?
 |
Finding the One Online is a comprehensive, life-changing program that covers everything I teach my clients about online dating. If you want to get your love life on track and aren't sure where to start, Finding the One Online is the best investment you can make. |
Do You Want to Attract the Partner of Your Dreams?
If so, sign up for my free dating and relationship newsletter and receive my free eBook, The 5 Massive Mistakes You're Making In Your Love Life - And How to Turn Them Around Instantly. Simple and effective advice to jumpstart your love life.
9 Comments »Filed Under Online Dating Tips & Advice
Loverville Apr 6th 2007 at 01:10 am 1
Evan,
Can you give an example of what would be an effective e-mail for a woman to write to a man?
Eg, say you both have a love for adventure travel — you see that he’s been trekking in Nepal, and has visited the Amazon… things you have in common.
Just wondering!
Thanks!
LV
Joey Dec 23rd 2007 at 11:25 pm 2
What a STUPID question. What is this, 1956????? Should women write to men?? Oh my god…that must mean a woman is EASY(!) Ha!! For as far as women have come in jobs, money, social status does this question even need to be asked?? If I was a woman, I’d be totally insulted. It’s E-MAIL people, not a marriage proposal, not a trip to Europe, not a boquet of roses. Geez…I can’t believe what a bunch of wusses we’ve become….hey everybody (men and women)…GROW SOME, and GROW UP!!! If you like the person, TELL THEM!! Don’t worry about tone, style, and any of that crap. If honesty scares them off, is that the kind of person you’d really want to be with anyway?? Think, McFly, Think!!! If the person has been on internet dating sites for any time at all, they’ll be grateful to get ANY responses.
Michael Ejercito Feb 16th 2008 at 12:28 pm 3
Of course women should write to men.
As long as it is the right words.
A-L Apr 5th 2008 at 02:41 pm 4
I decided to try Evan’s e-mailing technique but my results were less than thrilling. My response rate plummeted, and I’ve gone back to writing my usual style of e-mail. I never send the generic e-mails we all love to hate, and it’s always individualized to the guy’s profile. I’ve recently decided to try writing in the style of e-mail that I LOVE to receive (I saved the favorite e-mail I’ve ever received) to see if that’ll work but it may be too early too tell. Perhaps getting that sent from a girl sends off the vibe that I’m too interested in him.
Overall, though, I’d say that the e-mail should truly be your voice, because that’s what they’ll get in your profile, and in all other communications. Helps build truth in advertising, which is always desireable in online dating.
Muffy May 15th 2009 at 06:19 pm 5
When is this scenario ever going to change? It’s 2009 and we’re still stuck someplace in ancient history. I’m so tired of it being all about the guy. “Position yourself 8 feet and 3 inches from his visibility and see if he notices you” are you kidding me? I don’t care about history….the man is the hunter and the woman is the nester. Right. We are living in a society now where men have sex with each other every day and are frequently more intrigued by each other or themselves in the mirror than they are by a woman. So, if a woman is interested in a man and he doesn’t have the capability or “sac” to appreciate that a woman would approach him then I think he should just stay home with his mirror and admire himself all night. It’s like someone who wouldn’t join any club that would have him as a member. I think it’s pathetic that people still preach that women should wait for a man to approach them. Hey guys! It’s not all about you!! Yuck. Sorry. Rubs me the wrong way. This makes women not even want to date men or look at them for fear that their already over inflated egos might just explode!!!!!
Muffy´s last blog post…What’s with guys wearing “skinny jeans”?
downtowngal May 16th 2009 at 02:51 pm 6
Evan, I agree w Loverville – can you provide examples? Though I agree w your approach, I’m not sure exactly what you’re getting at here…
Online dating has really made things more confusing, imho. Since when did creative writing skills become a prerequisite for dating (right up there w fresh breath and neat hair)?
And at the end of the day, you meet the person and often time he/she seems very different from what’s presented/how you perceived the profile.
Evan Marc Katz May 16th 2009 at 04:32 pm 7
Examples of my email techniques, including “Fun Fiction” and “Opinion Openers” are included on the CDs and the workbook for FindingTheOneOnline.
http://www.findingtheoneonline.com
Trust me; my clients LOVE it.
Evan
Michael Ejercito May 16th 2009 at 04:50 pm 8
So, if a woman is interested in a man and he doesn’t have the capability or “sac” to appreciate that a woman would approach him then I think he should just stay home with his mirror and admire himself all night.
Evan’s advice about “Position yourself 8 feet and 3 inches from his visibility and see if he notices you” is about control instead of avoiding any offense.
Control is important to maintain in relationships.
Cilla May 17th 2009 at 11:22 am 9
“Control is important to maintain in relationships.”
This is why the dating world is so f***ed up right now.
Appropriate boundaries. Happiness. Personal integrity. Self esteem. Cameraderie. Physical attraction. I thought these were the things important to maintain in relationships…
The minute you start worrying about who is in control (who has “hand” as George Costanza would say), ironically, you have actually lost control and have given your power to someone else. Planting yourself 8 feet from some guy’s 2:00 and hoping he’ll notice you is pathetically passive. Since many people still feel the need to play this game, it’s one of the reasons I don’t go to bars to meet men. I can’t even begin to say how ugly it can get if you keep worrying about who has the power later in a relationship.
I agree with Muffy–we’ve taken this whole caveman/hunter thing too far, given the society we now live in. We’ve made men out to be these uncontrollable, need-to-be-in-charge, everything-about-me neanderthals who can’t keep their flies closed, but it’s OK because it’s just biology. Yuck is right.
I’ve written to plenty of men online, and had a long-term relationship develop out of one email I initiated. But equating sending an email to a come hither look? Isn’t that what the “wink” function is for?
I say emailing a guy first is no different than buying him a drink–which, by the way, I’ve had plenty of men tell me is an incredible turn on for them. Maybe it’s different as you age? Is it possible that men find it too aggressive to have a 20-something approach them but are OK with a 40-something doing it? If the guy is considerably younger than the woman, does that play a role? I think we are in a very fluid time in the anthropological history of dating, and the rules are constantly changing. Obsessing about control and adhering to hard and fast rules may not work the way it used to… Just my .02.